Head of Year 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock. #

Yo, Nathan. It's nearly 10 past, bruv.

10 past?

Shirt ironed. Shoes polished. Best pants on the radiator.

All right, what do you want?

Who, me?

Don't play games, Josh. This is a big day for me.

I just want you to get this job as much as you do.

Oh, yeah. The job.

Wait, what big day were you talking about?

It's no big deal.

I just was thinking of asking out Miss Poppy.

Miss Poppy? Forget Miss Poppy, you spanner!

We're talking about who gets Head of Year Nine!

If you don't pull your pants together,

Ding-Dong is going to give the job to Thorne.

Ah, right, so you're thinking if I get the job,

I might be easier on you than Thorne.

Do you want the job or not?

Yeah, course.

Stay focussed, yeah?

# He's right and I know just

# What is gonna happen if I don't get focussed

# Tell myself I won't stress

# But then everywhere I go Lo and behold

# It's her in a gold dress

# Those eyes make me st-st-st-st-stammer, st-st-stutter

# Every o-o-other word I u-u-utter

# My heart f-f-flutter and then suddenly I can't think

# Multi-tasking, car parking Marking

# Had a whole year in this game Learned plenty

# But just one look at her and my brain turn veggie

# No matter what I think or do it's Mel

# Even in an interview with Bell

# He could be reciting the SAT scores in deep tones

# All I see is blond hair and beautiful cheekbones

# And I could take the coldest shower

# But I still can't focus I'm overpowered, it's like

# I'm trying to focus on the things that I need

# Feels like my mind is playing tricks on me

# I play it cool but then my heart skips a beat

# Feels like my mind is playing tricks on me

# I got a rash all over and I can't ignore

# I admit, never felt like this before

# It's an itch I can't scratch and this is raw

# A disease that I call Mr Thorne Yuck!

# If there's anything bad he could do, he will

# It's like a battle between good and evil

# He's got it in for me badly and he

# Doesn't like my brother He hates my whole family

# Can't relax when Thorne's on your back

# He'll cut you no slack when he's on the attack

# Cos he ain't no teddy bear

# He's the opposite of Where's Wally probably

# Cos he's popping up everywhere

# See him here, see him there Man, I see him with my eyes closed

# Walking the hall's like a tightrope

# PE is enough to make me shed a tear

# Just imagine if the dude was my Head of Year

# I'm trying to focus on the things that I need

# Feels like my mind is playing tricks on me. #

So Miss Poppy's on hold, yeah? It's all about the job.

Yeah.

Mel. Mel, wait.

-What's happening?

-Mr Bell! Sorry! Sorry!

He's thinking about his interview. He's excited, aren't you?

Yeah.

I wouldn't worry about your interview.

I'd worry more about the minute details of your contribution

to the life and learning of the school.

Give it up for Mr Thorne. Yeah!

Morning. I've been doing some last-minute triathlon training.

My way of inspiring the kids and raising money for the school.

Yo, Nathan, you should tell them

about your fund-raising idea, innit? It's good.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So what is it?

Hm? Oh. How much custard can you get in a car?

I'm kidding. I'll tell you what, I'll get the real idea.

From over there.

Mel! Mel!

My brother is such a Fimble, man.

At this rate the only thing he'll be head of is getting fired.

You know who would make a great Head of Year?

Here it comes.

A monkey.

Are any of your family available, Ash?

Yo, what's with the infant juniors?

This is Adam and Ricky. They're our year seven buddies.

Shut up!

It's Ding-Dong's new idea.

They follow us round and we show them stuff.

It's called vertical integration.

Yeah, what he said.

I think it's great to be able to pass on my wealth of knowledge

to the next generation.

I can show you how to write boobies on a calculator if you like.

Are you sure you're one of the cool kids?

Yeah!

Ryan? Cool?

He's about as cool as his mum.

She once turned up to parents' evening

with her skirt tucked into her knickers.

I'm just happy I ain't got no little munchkin

following me around all day.

Josh? Jamelia.

Hey, buddy!

No, Dad, it's a lovely, peaceful little, local village school

with beautiful grounds and lots of wildlife. Ow!

Would you break it up, please?

And you, yes, you, stop that now!

"Ding Dong youre mums a hairy mousse."

That's not even spelt right!

Yeah, I blame the teachers.

Right! Everyone, gather round!

Hey, guess what,

-There's a new one of those grown-ups that still go to school.

-Teachers?

All right, pant-job, I ain't stupid!

-Anyway, there's a new one of those what he said.

-Teachers.

Oh, just shut up, yeah? All I'm saying is there's a new teacher

and he's in the doo-dah and he's totally thingy!

So it's Ding-Dong comma. Your without the E.

Your possessive pronouns - mum's - That's mum apostrophe S.

As in, "Ding-Dong, your mum IS a hairy moose."

And that's M, double O, S, E.

She's a great, big, smelly thing with antlers,

not a strawberry-flavoured dessert. Any questions?

Yeah, can I do one?

Yeah! When I'm not looking after you, sure.

< Oi!

What do you think you're doing?

Who, me? Nah, this was a teacher.

This teacher, is his name Mr I-dunno?

I dunno.

Clean this up now or I'll tell Miss Andress at first break.

-I should probably give you a hand.

-Yeah, yeah. You should.

BELL RINGS

Hey, Mel.

Hey, Nathan. How's it going? I saw you schmoozing Bell earlier.

Yeah.

You know, if Thorne gets that job I'm never speaking to you again.

No, wait.

Mel...

Oh!

I really like you.

Would you go out with me?

Yes, Nathan. Of course I will.

What, really?

Yes! What took you so long?

Yes!

OK, let's not tell the whole school cos you know what kids are like.

Yeah, yeah.

So...we could go out for dinner.

There's this great place I heard about called Shakers.

Shakers?

-Pick you up at seven?

-OK.

Mol.

Mel.

How was your weekend?

-Good, thanks. I went to see some friends...

-Great, great.

I just found your assistant wandering around the school.

-Hello again.

-Dexter, I thought I told you in the email

that you didn't need to be here till break.

I know, but I couldn't wait to get cracking.

Which reminds me, is there a bucket I can use to clean some graffiti?

I don't know who this Ding-Dong is

but apparently his mum's a hairy moose.

I'll leave you to show Mr Harris around.

Sorry.

OK, firstly, that's Mr Bell.

Ding-Dong!

And secondly, you're a teacher, OK? You don't clean up their graffiti.

Well, it's complicated.

No, it isn't.

I know you're a complete novice but I thought from your interview

that you might have what it takes. I need to go to my lesson

but Nathan will show you around, won't you?

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

I'll see you at break.

Don't lose him.

So, this is the IT room. These things are called computers.

There's loads of things you can do with them -

surfing the web, e-mailing...

..booking a table at a restaurant.

So who's the lucky girl then?

There we go. Shakers.

DODGY FUNK MUSIC PLAYS

Looks like they've done it up a bit.

Crikey. She's not wearing much.

Oh, my...

-They've turned it into some scuzzy nightclub!

-What?

I've got to speak to Mel!

-You're going out with Miss Poppy?

-Ssh!

Just stay there, OK?

You're only supposed to follow me at break times.

Josh, two minutes.

Can you give Mr Harris the guided tour?

No. Why? Because I've got double games with Thorne

and if I'm late again, I'll get slayed.

No, you won't. I'll write you a note.

Really? You can do that?

Yeah.

Take the whole lesson off.

Sweet!

'Sup? You did clean up that graffiti, yeah?

BRASS BAND PLAYS

Good. OK, wait for the change.

Oh!

THEY FALL OUT OF TUNE

No...

I thought we were going to play it cool. Where's Dexter?

Relax. Listen, don't panic. Josh is looking after him.

Josh?

My mother is a hairy moose.

No, that's what it says. Just find it!

Ah, Nathan, is now a good time?

For what?

To hear all about this fund-raising idea of yours.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that.

I just need to iron out a few details and... Yeah.

Excellent! I look forward to hearing all about that at first break.

Perfect. I'll see you at first break.

Well, go on then.

And remember, you can sponsor me at my website,

www.Mr Thorne is a real winner.com.

Oi, sir, you know this triathlon thingy, yeah?

You should so do it dressed as Elmo.

Elmo the Elmsbury Bunny!

-LAUGHTER

-No chance!

-Go on, sir, it'll suit you.

-Yeah, we won't be able to see your face.

You'll raise loads more money cos you'll totes look like a div

and everyone's SO going to pay pounds to see that.

I don't care. I'm not dressing up as a bunny.

-Come on, sir.

-Do it, sir.

BOOING

Shut up, you delinquents.

Where's Carter?

What do you mean? You said you'd clean it up.

Well, I didn't actually.

But it's your graffiti!

Well, it's complicated.

No, it isn't.

It isn't.

I promised Miss Poppy I wouldn't do it.

You promised me you would.

Yeah, you did.

Look, the point is, I am the teacher here and I'm telling you...

All right, no, no, it's fine, I'll do it.

-Good man!

-I'm going to need the bleach though.

Good. Right.

Or could be I won't be needing it after all.

That is well naughty.

All right, I'll clean up the graffiti, just let me out!

You, boy!

CHEERING

I think we've lost him.

You'd better have a very good explanation

-why you're not in my lesson, Carter.

-I do.

Good.

Though it doesn't excuse the fact you were still clearly

running inside the school.

No, sir, you see, I was inspired.

I was thinking about your triathlon and my legs just started moving

like, bam, bam...

You wait until I'm Head of Year.

You'll be running from me then, all the way to Fowlmere Manor.

Oh, we left the newbie in the cupboard.

I think I'm going to ask Miss Andress

if I can have another buddy.

BELL RINGS

Mel, listen, about tonight...

-What's this?

-This is a text from Dexter.

"Help, I'm stuck in a cupboard."

Do you think this is funny?

No! Well, a little bit.

Mol.

Mel.

Mr Thorne just found your assistant locked in Mr Jameson's cupboard.

And helping himself to my biscuits.

That's my fault actually. I was supposed to be looking after him.

Hopefully, you can turn this around with your fund-raising idea, eh?

Oh, phew, man. I thought you were Andress! What's up?

What's up? What's up is that I just took the blame for you

locking Dexter in a cupboard.

Oh, man, I just left him there for safekeeping!

Yeah, on the one day I had to impress Ding-Dong!

You owe me.

# Well, well, well Guess who's in another fix

# And might just need some clever little brother tricks

# Typical Nathan, I guess Just slipping

# One problem and he's a headless chicken

# Then it's down to me to bail him out, of course

# Similar to when he ran out of clean boxer shorts

# And he was running late for some hot dinner date

# I made him a pair with scissors and a pillowcase

# And I can see it in his face

# He's most happy when my situation isn't great

# 99% of the time he started it

# And it's always me who's gotta clean up after him

# But I can only think of dumb ways to fund raise

# Eating 20 school dinners in my lunch break?

# Sponsored wig making?

# Playground bareback pig racing?

# Poor Nathan Look at his little brain ticking

# Trying to think something up But it ain't clicking

# Don't know why he always struggles with the same mission

# When in the end he'll probably ask for some J-Wisdom

# OK, listen Nate, you're a sharp dude

# Probably sharper than a great white shark tooth

# And you know there's not a point that you can't prove

# Although, talking to yourself? Not a smart move

# He's like a cartoon Nothing between his ears

# There's only one guy there when he needs ideas

# Let's be honest He's been feeding off me for years

# Why's he putting off the obvious? Please, I'm here!

# I guess I could run it past him

# No! I don't wanna have to ask him

# But if he's got an idea that might sell... Hey, Josh!

# Don't tell me, you need my help. #

You're going to have to ask me nicely though.

OK, look, I need a great fund-raising idea.

All right? Please?

Consider it done.

So I say to Andress, "How come I'm the only one without a buddy?

"I'm, like, well responsible and I love pets."

She's like, "You can have Josh's".

I'm like, "Great(!) I get a manky second-hand Carter reject!"

Anyway. This is Jamelia.

Hey, Ash. How's it going with Adam?

Yeah, he's shown me the room with all the books in.

The library.

Yeah.

Anyway, there's this whole shelf just with books on human biology.

Very educational.

Right then. So who's going to sponsor me?

Cough up, Carter.

I'd well sponsor you dressed as a bunny.

That'd be, like, so funny I'd vomit.

-Yeah!

-Be quiet, Jamelia! You are so gobby.

Bingo!

See Mr Carter dressed up as a bunny!

-And dancing like a total plank!

-Yeah, and that!

-Josh.

-Hey, bruv. Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, it's really cool(!) Look what someone donated on the way here.

So, this is your big idea, is it?

Making a fool of yourself in front of the whole school.

I'm impressed.

Good. Yeah, I thought you would be.

Maybe you're not as stupid as you're going to look.

You might just win yourself a place on this leadership team.

Digestives, they were.

Right. But you're sure the graffiti was Josh Carter?

Miss Andress. It wasn't Josh. It was someone else.

That's not what Mr Jameson tells me.

He didn't do the graffiti, I promise. He's not all bad, really.

Josh Carter?

Well, he has his moments, like locking me in the cupboard.

£1.68, they cost me.

Does Mr Bell know about this?

No, wait, you can't blame Josh.

-Who should I blame?

-Certainly not Nathan.

He only left me with Josh because he had to go and see Miss Poppy.

-Really?

-Yeah, they've got a date this evening.

I think he'd make a great Head of Year.

That's for Mr Bell to decide.

Should have got custard creams.

You sure Nathan's not going to bottle it?

Nah, man, it's going to be cool. It's going to be all good. Trust me.

# The future's looking bright

# I know it's early days but I might've hooked my wife

# To think she might've been the one that got away

# But what a great feeling No more dreaming of a proper date

# I'll pull out the stoppers, mate

# We'll have dinner by the ocean Once I've secured my promotion

# Get a little raise on the wages Basically it's my chance

# I've been waiting for ages

# As they say It's game, set, match

# Another challenger's dreams get dashed

# As usual, competition gets smashed

# I could be against Einstein or up against Ash

# I'm remorseless, relentless Thorne's my apprentice

# I could have him doing all my chores, making breakfast

# And he'd be punished if the food ain't cooking right

# Know what? I'll be honest The future's looking bright

# Things are so fine

# Oh, my days, man! The future's mine

# This is how it feels when your dreams come true

# And if Thorne's got dreams they're gonna end real soon

# Life is so sweet

# Man, I'm the best that you're ever gonna meet

# That's right, uh-huh

# Put it to the vote There ain't no-one smarter!

# Forget sixth I'mma hit seventh gear

# Call me King Carter THE Head of Year

# Gonna work so hard Start taking risks

# No time for friends and relationsh...

# Ah, wait a minute

# How'd I juggle Mel and this job if I'm in it?

# If it is strictly just my career

# Realistically, I'll never see her

# I'll be too busy filling papers for Bell

# Chasing Josh around Year Nine hell

# Then it's my fault for the kids getting worse

# This promotion's not a gift It's a curse!

# Things are so fine

# Oh, my days, man It's nightmare time

# This is how it feels on top of the world

# Get the job, lose the girl

# Life is so sweet

# Why would she want a man she never, ever sees?

# That's right, uh-huh!

# This could be the start of a total disaster!

# Melanie dumps me I'd be a mess

# Monday morning I'd probably struggle to get dressed

# Turn up depressed Five past 12

# Smell so bad Get fired by Bell

# And I'm washed-up again Un-enjoyable

# Nathan Carter Yep, unemployable

# Losers, I could top the long list of

# Know what? I don't think I want this job! #

What do you mean you're not going to do it?

If you don't then Bell won't give you the job.

That suits me fine. I don't even want the job.

In fact, I'm going to go and speak to Ding-Dong right now

and get him to give the job to Thorne instead.

So you don't want to be my buddy? I'll see you on Jeremy Kyle, yeah!

Hey, Josh. I've been thinking...

No. I don't need no buddy, man.

-I've already got enough on my plate.

-Oh, please!

No, I've got to keep my brother away from Bell and find

someone stupid enough to replace him in that dumb bunny costume.

Mr Harris! Oi!

You go. I'll deal with your brother.

Thanks, buddy!

SHE CRIES

What's the matter?

My bag! Josh Carter hid it in there!

Oh, did he?

All right.

Hey!

Mr Harris!

-Mr Harris!

-Don't worry, I'm leaving.

You're... You're leaving?

Look, I'm really sorry.

All I wanted was for people to like me

and now you hate me for getting you in trouble

and Nathan's going to hate me for losing him his new job.

What if I had a guaranteed way to make people like you?

And here he is, as you've never seen him before,

the one and only Mr Carter.

CHEERING

You said I was replacing Nathan, not pretending to be him.

Good point. We should probably talk about that later. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Dance!

Welcome to the Elmsbury Triathlon.

Please, make some noise for Mr Thorne.

ONE OR TWO CHEERS

Is this it, Phillips?

It's not my fault, sir!

If you were dressed as a bunny there'd be more people here.

All right, fine!

They want me dressed like a bunny,

I'll dress like a flaming bunny!

Right then, give me the bunny suit, Carter. Right now.

My turn to wear it.

Give me that suit, Carter.

What are you doing?

PHONE BEEPS

Mr Thorne!

Nathan?

Harris? Where's Mr Carter?

I think he might be locked in a cupboard.

I have never, in my entire career,

witnessed such an unprofessional debacle.

Well, to be fair, all the kids really seemed to enjoy it.

I don't care about the kids, Mr Thorne!

And that's your chance of promotion gone.

What?

You can't give it to Carter!

Actually, I've kind of decided I don't want the job after all.

Well, that's good cos I actually kind of decided

that I wasn't going to give it you.

As for your little brother, he's suspended for two weeks.

Suspended? What's he suspended for?

For daubing graffiti on a playground wall!

For locking Mr Harris in a cupboard!

No, wait, I told you, he didn't do the graffiti.

I did.

You?

Well, the bit that's spelt correctly, yes.

I suppose, under the circumstances,

we should just let him off with a warning, shouldn't we?

Go on, get out, all of you. Go.

Oh, except you, Miss Poppy.

Looks like you were lucky, Josh. Mr Harris saved your skin.

Yeah, well, I guess you did owe it to me.

No, it's fine, don't worry about it.

Is it always like this?

Nah. Sometimes it's worse.

Hey, Josh!

Josh, I'll meet you at the car, yeah? I just need to...

Have a word with Miss Poppy, yeah, whatever.

Mel, listen, about this evening, the restaurant...

Turns out it's a dodgy nightclub.

-You knew?

-Yeah, I looked it up online.

-I guessed you must have made a mistake.

-Oh, cool.

The thing is, the reason I didn't want to take this job

is cos I wanted to spend more time with you.

I mean, it would have been a nightmare,

trying to balance a relationship with all the extra responsibility...

-Yeah.

-..all the meetings and the paperwork.

-Yeah.

They offered you the job, didn't they?

Yeah.

That's wicked, man, congratulations.

I really like you, Nathan,

but I can't turn this job down and it's so much more work.

I'm sorry. Maybe further down the line in a few months...

Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Well?

It's complicated.

Hey, I want a word with you.

OK, I messed up.

What more do you want from me, stroke your ears better?

Oi, Elmo! >

-That was brilliant!

-I loved that dance you did, sir.

Thorne chasing you round the stage and duffing you up was well sick.

-Hilarious.

-You raised way more money than Mr Thorne.

Looks like you haven't messed things up after all.

They like me. They really like me.

What can I say, man? I'm a genius.

-# Can't live with them

-And you can't kick them out

-# When they're up they rub it in your face

-Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Who's gonna be around

-Gotta find the common ground

# If you know so much about me Where do I go from here?

-# If you see them everyday

-You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss 4 O'Clock. #