Christmas 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know Nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much To handle?

# What d'you do when you end up Somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out Like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days And bad days

# But one day down the line This time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock. #

# Just hear those Sleigh bells jingling

-# Ring-ding-a-ding-a-ling, too

-Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a ding dong ding

# It's lovely weather for A sleigh ride together with you

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# Outside the snow is falling And friends are calling you

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# Our cheeks are nice and rosy And comfy and cosy are we

# Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a Ding dong ding

# We'll snuggle up together like Two birds of a feather... #

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Christmas is cancelled.

As are all celebrations of any kind.

Following the Project Zenith incident...

we feel it isn't worth risking offence

by favouring any one festival over another.

-I'm glad I'm not the one who's got to break that news to the kids.

-Mr Harris.

Mr Bell would like you to announce it to the students.

-STUDENTS BOO

-And so, December at Elmsbury will be

an ordinary month with no celebrations of any kind.

No Christmas? This place is well evil.

It's like a flipping damage factory.

Scrooge! Scrooge!

PUPILS ALL CHANT: Scrooge! Scrooge! Scrooge! Scrooge!

Scrooge! Scrooge! Scrooge! Scrooge!

Scrooge! Scrooge! Scrooge! Scrooge!

I mean, even for a fish-bag like Bell, this is totally hairy.

He can't do this. Christmas is literally the best thing ever.

It's like Easter and my birthday had a baby,

and it grew up to have magic powers.

Christmas should be special.

It's a time to forget your worries, and do nice stuff for people.

We should fight back. Launch a guerrilla campaign.

Why do you always talk about monkeys? What's that got to do with Christmas?

He means we fight back in secret.

Yeah. They can't do this to us. We should take a stand.

Re-decorate the corridors with tinsel, holly...

-..And mistletoe!

-Eurgh!

We could play Christmas music over the school PA.

Cover the playground in fake snow.

-Shove an elf in Bell's office.

-Who's with me?

-EXCITED:

-Yeah!

-That'd be well good.

-Yeah!

I am too... If anyone's interested.

School is my one chance to go big over Christmas.

Mum doesn't like the mess.

Last year all I got was a briefcase and a whiteboard. NERVOUS CHUCKLE

I say we fight back.

Ba-doink! See that, ladies and gentlemen, was Ryan becoming a man.

You're being very quiet.

Yeah, I think you'll have to count me out of this one.

-Get a load of this. The Christmas chicken's come early.

-You mean Christmas turkey.

You saying I'm a turkey? YOU'RE a turkey.

You're a turkey stuffed with turkey eggs from Turkey.

Yeah, it is a real country. I saw it on a poster.

Look, I just can't afford to get in trouble all right about now.

Have you and Ryan swapped bodies? Is that what's going on here?

No. My mum's promised me a mixing desk for Christmas.

So I can't afford to put a foot wrong between now and the big day.

You heard how disappointed the kids were when I told them

we wouldn't be celebrating anything. They seem to think it's my fault.

Then they'll have to celebrate in private, like the rest of us.

But, sir, we're not even singing Christmas carols.

And singing might bring us together as a community

..and stop me getting abused in the playground.

You look full of the festive spirit.

Careful the Grinch doesn't catch you.

Actually, the Grinch, Mr Bell, just agreed to let me write a song for the end-of-term assembly.

I thought he'd banned all celebrations.

The song can't include any specific faith.

And the point of that is...?

So it doesn't exclude or offend anyone.

Ooh, maybe I could write a song about New Year?

Is that the Christian New Year, or the Islamic New Year,

or the Chinese New Year...?

OK. I've made a massive mistake, haven't I?

Night, Dex.

Oh - Nathan! You nearly gave me a heart attack.

-I didn't think you were back till tomorrow.

-Mel...

Carter? What are you doing down there?

Well... I was doing my shoelaces.

Well, do them up somewhere else.

You're an ex-teacher. And you're a fire hazard.

Yeah, but... Mel...

-Do you want to grab some dinner?

-Yeah. I'm glad you're back.

Byron used to be a head teacher.

There's no way he's working as a department store Father Christmas.

Yeah, but imagine if the rumour's true, though.

That'd be better than chips.

If it is Byron, can you ask him what he did

with that calculator he took off me in year seven?

That's the plan, Rudolph.

Look who it is... The Ghost of Christmas Chickening Out.

-What are you doing here?

-Just looking at some presents.

I saw this really nice mixing desk earlier.

We're off to go and see Santa. Do you want to come?

Sitting on some old guy's knee ain't exactly my idea of a good time.

Trust me - you're going to want to see this.

You're sure it's Bogoff?

Ash seems pretty confident. Says he heard it from a dinner lady.

And then I need a replacement controller because I had a nightmare

and threw my other one at the cat in my sleep and it broke, so, err...

DVD box set of America's Craziest Monkeys, and a kazoo...

-How old did you say you were again?

-Eight.

What are you two doing here? Aren't you a bit big for Father Christmas?

Ash is in there. Apparently they got Bogoff to be their Santa.

-Who's Bogoff?

-Our old headmaster.

How can your old headmaster be Father Christmas?

-They always hire old...

-Josh, shut-up.

Well, the real Father Christmas has helpers doesn't he, Josh?

Yes! Thank you, Ryan. That's who's in there.

It's almost as good as meeting the real thing.

You told us we were meeting the real Father Christmas.

-It is the real one.

-Why did you say it wasn't?

Because...

Father Christmas is actually sick.

-Is he going to die?

-No. No. It's not like that.

He just threw up in his beard.

Santa's sick?! Santa's sick!

-Oh brilliant.

-Thanks a lot, Josh. Some treat this has turned out to be.

-Oh, come on...

-Watch out!

CRASH!

It's not him, lads.

-Joshua!

-HE SIGHS

-My arms hurt.

-I said you had to carry those without complaining.

It's the least you can do for Agness after what happened.

Don't worry, Mrs Carter. It'll take more than Josh to ruin Christmas.

-Oh, no.

-Stay here.

-What's happened?

-Nothing. Just stay.

Agness, don't... Agness, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, love!

They even took the tree.

I don't want Louis, Marcia or Sidney to find out about this.

Swear to me, Josh, you won't tell anyone until I am ready.

# Now I'm a bit confused Why wouldn't you want to share

# This particular news?

# When everybody knows How hard she's had it

# Why not get the sympathy That you need?

# Don't understand it Cos Agness

# She's been up against it For a while

# Raising each sibling Like a mother with a child

# Now they've lost everything

# It's just tragic

# Kinda snuffed out Any Christmas magic

# And now the fact that it happened She won't even mention?

# I'd be milking every bit of Generous attention

# Like my broken ankle Healed in six weeks but

# I had Mum and Nathan serving me for three months

# There I was, injured Thinking what a pain this'd be

# But it was great they waited on me hand and foot - literally!

# If I was Agness I'd tell anyone Who'd listen

# Maybe I should tell on her behalf With no permission?

# Maybe... Hmm, but then On second thoughts

# Someone else's decision Wrong or right, is never yours

# Fact is, Agness wants it To be a secret

# I gotta respect that choice And try and keep it

# Nah - this ain't my one to call

# This one is bigger than me And that's all

# So don't tell anyone Don't tell anyone

# Don't tell anyone Don't tell anyone

# Nah - this ain't my one to call

# This one is bigger than me And that's all

# So don't tell anyone Don't tell anyone

# Don't tell anyone Don't tell anyone. #

What's heart of palm? It says "heart of palm salad".

I've never even heard of heart of palm. What are you having?

-I dunno. Steak.

-Do I want steak?

I don't know. Look, Mel, can I just...

-Nathan, are you OK?

-Yeah... No... I'm fine.

I erm...

Mel... OK.

Oh my flipping flip-flop shop! Mr Carter!

-Hey, Zoe-Marie.

-What are you two doing here?

Well, we just came out for a private meal together.

That's what we're doing! Me, Mum and Dad and Deano.

Hiya, babe, you all right? Hiya, you all right?

I wanted to go to go to Peri Nice Chicken,

but they were like, "Too spicy. Grandma won't like it".

Then Grandma's cat swallowed a key, but we still had to come to this dive.

And the sauce comes in mild, hot, and blow your flipping mouth off.

It's, like, totally ruining my life. So, how are you?

Agness' mum was at the hospital having a check-up when it happened.

Poor Agness. She doesn't need that on top of everything else.

There we go. Lock's all sorted.

Now that I'm moving out, I want to be sure you're both safe.

SHE GASPS

Oh, Dexter. I'm going to miss you.

And I'm finally going to get my room back.

We've had fun, haven't we?

That's one word for it.

Come here, man.

Well... This is it. Bye, then.

Good luck in your new place, Dex.

See you at school tomorrow.

Oh, I'm making lasagne if you want some after work.

Ooh, lovely!

And I'm finally getting my room all back to myself.

Hello! Bring it on! Bring it on! Bring it...

Hello, bruv.

Nathan! I thought you weren't coming home until tomorrow!

Well, wanted it to be a surprise didn't I?

Plus, I couldn't wait to share a room with my little brother again.

Eh? Hmm? Huh?

Well, nice to see you, too(!)

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

Bingo.

SONG: 'Merry Christmas Everybody' by Slade

# Are you hanging up Your stockings on your wall?

# It's the time that every Santa has a ball

# So here it is merry Christmas...#

I've looked, Zoe-Marie and it's not here.

You better check lost property cos I am certain it's there,

cos Shelby Turner saw this kid in year eight hand it in,

so have a look right now and hand it over. You have definitely got it,

so stop trying to keep it for yourself, you flippin' tea leaf!

No. Wrong.

-Completely wrong.

-You don't like any of it?

It's not a question of like, Mr Harris.

Sir, I was up half the night writing those lyrics.

"Snow, snowmen" - no. "Feasting" - I don't think so.

"Twinkling lights" - no. "Holly" - no, no, no.

Here, sing this.

Sir, this doesn't make sense any more.

"The year... of things...

"When things happen... During the time of... however..."

Well, you're the music teacher. Make it work.

Yes, sir.

Also, I've got the school governors coming to the assembly on Friday.

And I can't risk them, or anyone else, being offended.

DISTANT MUSIC FROM PA SYSTEM

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS ON PA SYSTEM

Did you do this?

Did you do this? Stop looking at them!

Stop looking at the Christmas things!

# Ding Dong...! #

Wasn't me.

I want it all cleaned up. Every last bit.

And somebody turn off this music off!

Don't add to my problems. Right! Out of my way...

No to Christmas!

No! What are you looking at?

Stop enjoying Christmas!

Good work, team.

I lost my mask! What if Bell traces it back to us?

My DNA is all over it.

This is why I shouldn't get involved. I'm not cut out for mischief.

-Chill out, you big yellow Henry.

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Ding Dong's onto us. What do we do now?

We keep going.

-Yeah. Put up decorations faster than he can take them down.

-Hey...

Don't think you can come over and surf on our success.

I just came to say well done, all right?

I just saw Bell flipping his nut over a Christmas tree so...

You were meant to help put the banner up.

I don't want to be a part of this any more.

-It's like a chicken farm round here.

-I'm not chickening out.

-So why aren't you going to help us?

-Haven't you heard?

Christmas is cancelled.

Sometimes Christmas stresses people out.

# And I'm the only one that knows

# The truth with Agness I wonder if it shows?

# I wish that I could tell The others

# But I made a promise to her to be true

# I gotta keep it undercover

# And what bugs me About that is I can tell

# If I'm the only one who knows I'm the only one who can help

# And I don't want to get her Feelings hurt ever

# But one thing's for sure They all deserve better

# And that's not my only problem

# Got my best friends Fighting for Christmas

# And Bell tryin' to stop 'em

# But with the chance of my dream Gift coming so soon, though

# I'm only looking out For numero uno

# Maybe in December That's the wrong way to be living

# After all, 'tis the season That's about giving

# And what am I giving To the ones who mean the most?

# Not much, matter of fact I've been a joke!

# What kind of friend am I?

# Standing by watching my best mates All heroically try

# To bring a bit of festive cheer You know what?

# It's the best bit of the year And I've SO got

# To save Christmas Forget plans for me

# Save it for Agness and her family

# Save it for all the kids In my clique

# Just, just, yeah, that's it! Save Christmas!

# Save Christmas Forget plans for me

# Save it for Agness and her family

# Save it for all the kids In my clique

# Just, just, yeah, that's it! Save Christmas! #

OK, I've just written a new set of lyrics. I've highlighted your verses.

Let me play it through first.

Thanks, guys for volunteering for this, it means a lot.

Here we go.

HALTING PIANO AND STILTED LYRICS # Lemme tell you bout December

# It comes from the Roman word "Decem," meaning ten!

# Cos there were only ten months In a Roman year

# Before they added two more

# The Anglo Saxons called it "Yule Monath"

# Cos that was the time You'd burn a yule log off

# So many things happen In December

# Partly why it's such A month to remember!

# It's the darkest month If you're at the North

# But if you're southern hemisphere Then it's sunny and warm

# These are some fascinating Ups and downs Of December

# I wish we had it all year round

# December, yeah It's after November

# Oooh, December

# Yeah, sounds a bit like September

# But it's not, it's December. #

What do you think?

It's going to be a disaster. I need help.

Its fine, sir. You don't have to change a thing. It's perfect.

Well, it was all right.

Whatever he comes up with, we'll write our own lyrics.

We'll write the most Christmassy Christmas song that's ever Christmassed.

And that's what we'll really sing in assembly.

-Hey.

-What do you want?

OK... This is kind of embarrassing, but...

Look, if you're going to ask me out...

No. Look, Agness, I was just throwing some stuff out,

and I thought you might like it for you,

your brothers and sister seen as you have nothing to open.

There's not much in there.

Just a baseball cap, some action figures, a board game,

even my mum's old Spanish toilet roll doll.

-You didn't have to do this.

-Come on, man...

It was the least I could do,

especially after you guys had your presents stolen.

-Our presents were stolen?

-When were our presents stolen?

-You idiot, Josh!

-Agness, I thought you'd have told them by now.

Will you leave us alone, and stop ruining what's left of our Christmas?

-I was just trying to help.

-I don't need your help, and I don't need your junk.

Hey! This isn't junk, man.

This is not junk! This hat cost me 25 quid.

..When it was new.

I was just trying to help, man, and I fell like I just made everything worse.

Yeah, well... It sucks when you're trying to do the right thing,

and it doesn't get appreciated.

How many times did Byron flip his nut when I started running the 4 O'Clock Club?

Yeah, but bruv, at the start you had no idea what you were doing.

You were flapping around like a pigeon in a bread bin.

The point is, if you start out meaning well,

then it's always going to end well. Most of the time.

Well, I hope you're right.

What is this, anyway? Arts and crafts hour?

It's a Christmas cracker. It's a special present. For a special person.

Oh! For me?!

For Mel.

Bruv, is that a ring?

Are you proposing to Miss Poppy?

-Look, do not say a word. OK?

-Bruv, that's amazing!

I'm just waiting for the right moment.

You know, I want it to feel really magical.

With that?

-Maybe I should try something else.

-Mmm.

Mashed potato powder. What's that for?

-Ash!

-Let it snow!

I don't want people thinking I've got dandruff.

There's already a rumour going around that I'm scared of dolphins.

But you are scared of dolphins.

Yeah, because... It's that sound they make.

And the fact they always look like they're smiling at you. It's creepy.

You got to tell them. They've written words for the song.

-What? Why have you done that?

-I thought we were all doing it.

No. I'm meant to be writing the words, tinsel troll!

Ash said WE were writing new Christmas lyrics. We - all of us.

And by "we" I meant "me", obviously. Have you read these?

They're absolutely wicked.

"Christmas it is really ace.

"We're shoving our Christmas in your face..."

Oi! You can't do that! I spent 20 minutes on them!

-You can't do that, you ghost of Christmas cuss!

-Can, and did.

We don't need a Christmas song that disses Shelby Turner every line.

Dissing Shelby Turner is well Christmassy!

What is the meaning of this fracas?!

I see.

And how very predictable.

What's wrong with you guys, man?

Bell busted us. Christmas is cancelled.

My mum's going to ground me until next Christmas.

Too bad.

I was really looking forward to seeing Bell explode, you know?

Would've been the best Christmas present ever.

Thank you, everyone.

And welcome to the last assembly of term.

To mark the December break, and nothing more,

we have a little treat for you.

Dexter Harris?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks. This is just a little something I put together

with an old friend.

I think you might know him.

HE PLAYS BASSLINE

PUPILS CLAP IN TIME

PIANO STARTS

CHEERING

-# You know it's that time of year

-Christmas extravaganza!

# That you want all your friends and family near

# Matunda ya Kwanzaa!

-# Whatever you believe

-Hanukkah, Ramadan

-# Your culture or your creed

-Feliz Navidad!

# It's all about being Together, together, together

# Yep, I'm including everyone Spreading goodwill to men and women

# It ain't never done we should Do it all year round but it's nice

# To have a couple weeks In the winter to remind us

# Kindness should always be something that we celebrate

# Tell a mate to tell a mate Never mind whatever faith

# Be it Muslim, Jewish, Rastafarian Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist, vegetarian

# Maybe you pray to Mother Nature to get by

# Maybe you believe in The force of the Jedi

# This is a time for giving And receiving

# Even if you have Nothing to believe in

# It's still precious Nobody should damage this

# Not even heads of Educational establishments

# Get your jingle bells Wave 'em in the sky

# And Ding Dong - Try being merrily on high

-# You know it's that time of year

-Christmas extravaganza!

# That you want all your Friends and family near

-# Matunda ya Kwanzaa!

-Whatever you believe

-# Hanukkah, Ramadan

-Your culture or your creed

# Feliz Navidad!

# It's all about being Together, together, together

-# You know it's that time of year

-It's Christmas again!

# That you want all your Friends and family near

-# Joyeux Noel if you're French

-Whatever you believe

-# You ain't gotta eat turkey

-Your culture or your creed

# If it's offensive to birdies

# It's all about being Together, together, together. #

-Dexter Harris, ladies and gents!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS FINAL FLOURISH ON PIANO

That's beautiful. Sorry for hijacking your assembly.

I know I don't really belong at Elmsbury any more.

-He doesn't!

-But, erm...

So much has happened to me here, I just thought that...

Well, basically I thought I could only do this

in front of all of you. So erm...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Mel...

..will you marry me?

Yes! Of course I will. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry about that, mate -

you're going to have two teachers in the family now.

OK, look I'm about to tell you a secret

that I promised I wouldn't tell.

-Josh! You can't break a promise.

-Course he can!

Look, out Christmas is back on, but there's still one friend

who needs their Christmas saving.

Happy Christmas! Oh, more dolls!

I love it. Thank you very much.

-Oh, my days!

-Is it the right one?

-DOORBELL

-Who's that on Christmas morning?

-I won't be long.

-Hang on. Hang on. Where are you going?

Some secret stuff. Thanks for my presents, though, yeah?

-Joshua!

-Love ya! Bye.

-It's Christmas morning!

-I know. That kid...

TV: # We all do love Christmas No doubt about that... #

KNOCK AT DOOR

Agness? Agness? Come to the door, man,

-I know you're there. Agness!

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

Merry Christmas, Agness! Merry Christmas, Louis and Marcia.

How come I had to wear the child-sized costume!?

It's Christmas, Ryan. Don't be so elfish.

Get it? It's like SELFISH. But he's an ELF!

-SANTA:

-Merry Christmas, everybody!

I knew he would never forget us.

The caretaker went a bit overboard on that costume.

And this one's for you, Louis.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

-I think you'll find this is just what you wanted.

Sorry I'm late. Overslept. Can't leave till I've had my bacon roll.

-Have you got the thing you promised?

-Yeah, but...

My nephew is going to love this thing.

-There's been a slight change of plan.

-Whoa! Deal's a deal.

I dress up as Father Christmas for your friend,

and you'd give me this thing for my nephew.

-SANTA:

-Ho ho ho!

-Yeah, but if you're here,

then who's that handing out presents over there?

-SANTA:

-Merry Christmas, everybody! Ho ho ho!

Thanks, Santa!

# You know it's that time of year

# That you want all your Friends and family near

# Whatever you believe Your culture or your creed

# It's all about being Together, together, together. #