Wedding 4 O'Clock Club

# Where d'you go when you know nobody can understand you

# When it's just too much to handle

# What d'you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay, it can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time it's sure to stop

# So the only time is now Four o'clock! #

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

# As the wedding bells go ding-dong

# And I hold out her finger to put the ring on

# Then all the wedding guests sing songs

# So perfect, how can we get a thing wrong?

# First dance to my own song

# Back of the car waving, "So long"

# Love between us so strong

# Dream day, what could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# So long as Josh doesn't embarrass me

# Too much as best man when he has a speech

# So long as there's a great crowd

# Then I know that my mum and my in-laws I'll make proud

# Sunny day, so there won't be a grey cloud

# Unless it's from the exhaust if we break down

# Mel'll look stunning in her wedding-day gown

# Unless it's ruined cos we can't get a stain out

# Double- check the calendar and the date now

# Imagine being 24 hours late - Ouch!

# Gotta stay cool, never wanna lose it

# Long as Dexter delivers with the music

# Long as all the kids can be good and behave

# Then I tell you this just could be the day

# When I'm off driving away with my wife

# Basically, greatest day of my life

# So... So...

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# What could possibly go wrong?

# I mean, what could go wrong? #

# Two brothers from the same mother

# One's getting married unlike the other... #

Oh, man, this is rubbish!

-Course I'm not getting married.

-Yo! That's pretty tight, cuz.

Nero? Where did you teleport from?

My mum dropped me off while she and your mum went to do wedding things.

Yeah, well, no offence, but I need some brain space.

I've got to finish my best man's speech and it needs to be perfect.

Bruv, Nathan won't care if it's perfect. Just say how you feel.

OK. Well, I feel that I don't need my little cousin hanging around

whilst I'm trying to create.

Sorry, I just thought you might need some advice.

Advice? Listen, FYI, I have met B-Mode.

OK? And he told me that I got flow.

So maybe one day when you personally know a rap superstar,

you can tell me how it's done. OK?

Are Mum and Aunt Bebe behaving themselves?

Mum's keeping them in check.

..at both her weddings. She's got to have a veil! It's tradition.

I never didn't when I married my Dean.

I wanted him to see how long my make-up took.

Well, I'm sure Mel can decide for herself.

-Probably?

-I'm sure it'll be fine.

HE SIGHS

# Two brothers from the same mother

-# Nathan...

-HE MUMBLES

Yo! Yo! Check it!

# Two cousins

# One knows how to be cool, one doesn't

# One is the baddest, the other is the saddest

# All he's really doing is eating a sandwich! #

-Oh!

-Nero, that's my mic you've got your sticky digits on.

Give it to me right now.

-FEEDBACK

-Yeah, make me.

-Nero, just give me the mic.

-NERO LAUGHS

I don't know why you're always getting involved in what I'm doing.

-Can you tell Mum I'm going to run the cake over to the hall now?

-Will do.

'You sure you don't mind having the reception in the school hall?'

I mean...I know you were hoping for somewhere a little more...magical.

Nathan, Bell gave us a good deal.

So long as we've got each other, who cares where we are?

-Give me my mic!

-Whoa!

-NERO SIGHS

-What was that?

-Nothing.

-You are such an idiot.

-I hope.

-It's not my fault.

Bruv, it was an accident.

-HE GASPS

-I'll take your stuff.

-Nobody panic!

Nobody panic! OK.

HE SIGHS

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe the shop can fix it?

Yeah. Yeah, cos it's only the biggest day of my life.

It's not going to get ruined by a smashed cake.

Mr Bell doesn't want you using pins or tape, it'll damage the marquee.

I'd like to put a pin in her.

-What did you say?!

-Nothing you can touch me for after school hours.

-HE SIGHS

-Guys, I think my water has broken.

THEY LAUGH

No horseplay.

My baby...!

Don't worry, Miss Andress, I'm supervising them.

Somehow, I'm not reassured.

You looking forward to the wedding?

-Have you got yourself a nice hat?

-I wasn't invited.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my flipping nut-cake, it's Doctor Who!

Doctor What-The-Heck.

-It's my dad's. They made me wear it.

-I don't know who THEY are,

but you really must've done something to upset them.

I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do with that.

-Make it a cake again.

-I'm a baker, not a wizard!

Look, I can't get married without a wedding cake.

HE SIGHS Maybe I could buy that one?

It's cardboard! It's a fakey-cakey.

-HE SIGHS

-I tell you what...

..how about this?

Seriously?

Right, I'll phone our sister shop,

they might be able to get you a replacement.

You know what, my dad's got a ton of old rap albums.

You know, Jurassic 5, De La Soul, NWA.

Oi, thinking about it, he may let you borrow a few.

-Want me to ask?

-I want you to zip it. I've got my focus on here.

I was just trying to make conversation.

-It's not like we've seen each other in ages.

-Ain't that a shame?

Right, we've got to go to their other shop.

Chill your size tens, bro. We got time.

We did have time till I got cake-wrecked by the wedding smashers.

-Can I sit up front?

-Coolest rides shotgun.

No, I get sick on long journeys if I'm in the back.

Shut the front door, Nero! You get sick like I'm Mr 10.

Just let him ride up front, right?

Yeah, but...

Enough has gone wrong already, I don't want him throwing up too.

Coolest rides shotgun.

Why are we doing up the hall like a bunch of skivvies?

It's Mr Carter and Miss Poppy's wedding day.

-It's the least we can do.

-We've already got them a present.

-We should not have put you in charge of that.

-What's wrong with it?

-In a word...everything.

-That's two words, gorm-face.

Anyway, wait till you see their faces.

You won't get to see them, people open their presents in private.

And then you get a letter saying, "Cheers for the present".

That's the most unfair thing ever!

-We should go over so we can see her open it.

-That'd be a picture.

We can't go to a teacher's house, especially on her wedding day.

No-one tells me what I can't do.

We're going. Laters.

-Where are you going?!

-Don't worry, sir, I'll keep an eye on them.

-What are you doing?

-Lifting your flaps.

Don't! Leave 'em alone. Leave 'em alone!

If this gets ripped my parents will kill me.

My dad was wearing this the night he met my mum.

That's a bit creepy, don't you think?

One person's creepy is another person's sentimental.

-Stop doing that.

-HE CHUCKLES

How many helium balloons would it take to lift you off the ground?

-More than you've got.

-Let's try it.

-How about no?

-Oh, is Ryan scared of flying?

-No, Ryan's scared of dying.

You're not lifting me up with balloons.

Of course I am.

Thank you.

Here.

EXHAUST BACKFIRES

-What...?!

-Bruv, what's happening?

-Start, you evil...!

-Bruv, I know I'm no expert on cars,

but you do have petrol, yeah?

So now what?

Right, slow it down.

Oi, Josh, I got a sick idea for your speech, man.

Nero, I need your ideas like I need a slap in the face.

You told me that speech was done weeks ago.

No, I said I started it weeks ago. You've got to wait for genius, bruv.

Which means you're leaving it until the last minute as always.

The best man speech is important, Josh. You better get it done.

DOORBELL CHIMES

-Hi. You must be Miss Poppy's mum.

-Yes!

We've come to give her her present. I chose it.

The important thing is that Zoe-Marie chose it herself.

We helped pay. Our hearts were in the right place.

-Well, Mel's a bit busy at the...

-It's OK, we'll wait.

Wow! I can't believe I'm in a real teacher's house!

-Oh, hello, girls.

-Hi, Mrs Carter.

Don't bother introducing me, then.

-I'm Bebe, auntie of the groom.

-What are you three doing here?

-How do you even know where I live?

-Er...RSVP on the wedding invite.

-We wanted to see you open our present.

-Oh.

-Brace yourself.

I'm speechless.

-You should totally put it up.

-I will do. I'll do that later.

Anyway, thanks for coming round, you can just...

Actually, now we're here, is there anything we can help with, miss?

-I told you it wouldn't work.

-Well, you need to lose some weight.

-You really have started to pork out.

-I'm not porking out!

My mum says I'm sylph-like and lean, like a ballerina.

-Yes, they do have male ballerinas.

-Of course they do.

We just need a few more balloons, that's all.

Or...we could try to lighten the load.

-What? Ash, wait! What are you doing?

-Just losing a bit of weight.

-Stop it!

-Oh, come on, it'll be a laugh.

Only for you. Do you really have so little going on in your stupid head

that you have to make fun of me?

Does the balloon baby want an apology?

Well, a sorry would go some way to making up for the years of abuse.

Real men don't say sorry.

Ryan, stop messing about with those balloons.

Sir, it was not me. Ash put me in here.

Sir, I'm only trying to get him off the ground.

But...it is Ryan's fault,

I mean, he's been on the crisps.

OK, sir, that is not true! My mum doesn't allow them in the house.

I promised Miss Andress I'd supervise you.

Stop messing about and put the balloons where they're meant to be.

It's like trying to watch a worm

wriggle his way out of a bunch of grapes.

-Get off!

-Oop!

Oh, no, no, no!

-No!

-Well done, Ryan!

How is it my fault?!

HE SIGHS

OK...we've got petrol.

We've got time, right? We just need to get home, we'll still be on track.

Everything is going to be fine.

TYRES SCREECH Oh! Oh!

Look, just take your time. Why not?

Yeah, that's right, it's not like I'm in a hurry!

ENGINE BACKFIRES

Oh! What is it now?!

What have you done now?! Grrr!

NATHAN SIGHS AND SPLUTTERS

-Oh!

-Nathan, your suit!

-NATHAN GROANS

Only a matter of time before the dung-heap conked out.

-What fuel pump did I use?

-I dunno...the cheapest one?

-Was it diesel? I think I put diesel in there!

-Is that bad?

Bad?! It mean's I've ruined the engine. We're stuck here!

NATHAN SIGHS

Car's conked out, I'm covered in oil! All on my wedding day!

NATHAN GROANS

And you! Why didn't you tell me I was putting diesel in?! Hm?

I've put up with so much from you for so long!

That's it! This is the final straw! You've done it now!

Grrr!

NATHAN HOLLERS

-Argh!

-Ohh!

-Are you all right, bruv?

-PHONE RINGS

-Hey, you.

-How do I handle your mum and your aunt?

You can't plaster her in make-up.

It's for the photos. You're the one who wants to hide her under a veil.

A veil is like a symbol of innocence.

You know what, just let 'em go at it, they'll run out of steam eventually.

-Second problem, how do I get rid of Agness, Molly and Zoe-Marie?

-What?

Molly, stop going through drawers and help me with the sandwiches.

Check it out. She has a garlic press.

-What does a teacher need with a garlic press?

-To press garlic!

-Look at me, I'm a bride!

-Take that off, Zoe-Marie.

We should totally demand that she makes us her bridesmaids.

Why would anyone want to be a bridesmaid?

-To get in the photos.

-Why would anyone want their photo taken?

-Just because you don't show up in pictures or mirrors.

-Zoe-Marie!

Don't have a go at me, you put the mustard there.

-It's ruined!

-No it ain't.

-Everyone knows you use mayonnaise to get stains out.

-That's a load of...

Maybe it were ketchup.

Well, that went well.

I guess she won't be asking us to be bridesmaids now.

The caretaker said the power surge must've tripped the safety.

I've now got to go to the power room and flick a switch. Ash, with me.

Aye-aye!

Wait. What about me? You can't leave me like this.

-Burst your way out.

-I'll burst you in a minute.

Did you hear that?

Ash?

I said I'd burst you.

"The lifting of the veil was part of ancient wedding ritual,

"symbolising the groom taking his wife as his property".

Look, the veil is an important part of the ceremony and she's having it.

-Is this a bad time?

-No, this is a great time.

I'm just having the wedding day I've always dreamed of.

-What happened?!

-We had a bit of an accident.

-Sorry.

Soz. We made a replacement though.

I had to use your net curtains, I know you don't mind.

That's fine. I can live with that. No veil. That's that decision made.

Happy now? No veil!

BEBE SOBS

Oh! Bebe!

So if you're not mad at us, does that mean we can be bridesmaids?

-Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we?

-Fine! Whatever.

Yes!

OK, panic over. Let's just get the cake inside, then go back

and get the rest of the food, yeah?

-Where's the cake?

-I thought Nero had it.

-I thought you had it.

-Josh did have it.

-It's in the taxi, man.

-Relax! What is your problem with me?

-Josh, let's just grab the cake and...

Hey! Stop! Hey! You've got my cake!

Stop! Hey!

Taxi!

I flicked the switch and nothing happened.

I can't believe I've not been down here before,

it's like... It's like the inside of my head made real.

Monday?! But the wedding's today!

HE SIGHS

The caretaker can't do anything until Monday.

And with my keyboard bust, I can't play at the ceremony.

It's not all bad news, then.

Just kidding.

I found a box of candles when I was looking for the torch.

-Candles. Candles! Ash, you're a genius!

-And handsome.

Doesn't help with the music.

Couldn't you just go unplugged? Like, bang a drum or something?

Well, that's it! The school orchestra. I could call them up.

Are you trying to marry Mel or a ten-year-old boy?

Hey, it was all they had, all right?

I don't know if you've noticed,

since you left my last cake in a taxi and the other shop is 40 miles away,

-I'm kind of desperate.

-Look, I'm really sorry, bro.

Hope you've got deep pockets, cuz.

Going to need it for all that guilt you'll be carrying.

Me? Mate, this is your fault.

Best man? Nah, worst man more like.

-Whoa!

-Hey!

-Before you say anything, that was Nero's fault.

-When will you stop blaming others?

-None of this would have happened

if this annoying little freak had kept his hands on his own stuff.

-You're out of order, Josh.

-Am I?

Ever since we left the house, he's been telling me

how I should be doing my best-man's speech. Why is he even here?

-I mean, why does he even exist?

-Fine.

-Don't want me around, I'll find my own way home.

-Move man.

-Hey.

You need to learn responsibility. Grow up a bit, Josh.

He's younger than you, he's your little cousin, he's family.

-This is proper mash-up.

-Go and apologise.

Fine, I'll apologise to the pawn.

But here, I saved these for you.

-Nero, wait up, man.

-You don't want me around, I get it.

How are you going to get back on your own?

I'll call my dad to pick me up. At least he wants me around.

Listen...what you were saying

about lending me some of your dad's records, I'd really like that.

-I'll ask him.

-I'm sure I could ask him at the wedding.

He might not make it, he's got work today.

-Today's Saturday.

-He's busy, all right?!

OK, why are all my Carter-senses telling me

that not all is well in the world of Nero?

Mum and Dad, they've...they've sort of had a row and...

-they're not talking at the moment.

-Since when, man?

A couple of weeks ago. Me and Mum have been staying with mates.

Bruv, that sounds like more than just a row.

Nah. No, they've argued before.

Eventually they'll make up with one another

and then everything's going to be sweet.

# You know, honestly I never thought I'd say this

# But that cousin of mine I underestimated

# I just had him down as an annoying little kid

# And kinda overlooked all the little positives

# Becoming clear though He's a decent guy

# There's more to Nero than meets the eye

# Maybe he's just like I used to be

# Discovering himself and finding his feet

# But how am I helping if I get in his way?

# I've already helped ruin Nathan's big day

# It's like I'm looking but I've not learned to see

# Some best man I turned out to be

# I need to take control of this Step up, grow up

# Before I watch this whole big wedding day blow up

# Nathan's right, I'm a young man not a little weed

# Time to take on proper responsibility

# This is me!

# From best man to worst man

# I played this one wrong and it hurts, man!

# Time to grow up First things first, man

# Gotta get back to best man from the worst man, man, man... #

Look, man, whatever happens between your mum and your dad,

if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here, yeah?

I don't need no-one's pity!

Come on, man, it's the least I can do for you.

We're family, right? But right now, we've got to go and help Nathan

-and turn this never-ending disaster into an epic win.

-How?

I've got a couple of ideas.

Come on.

Ryan?

Ryan?!

Your shoes were the only thing keeping you on the ground.

Stay there! I'll get you down.

HE GROANS

I never thought you'd actually float!

Please come down, Ryan.

I'm sorry for all the times I called you all those names.

You know, Captain Ploppy, Stinkweasel, The Custard Kid.

And all those practical jokes I played on you.

Like...when I put that mashed potato in your locker.

I know I'm the worst friend ever, but...I'm sorry.

That's all I needed to hear.

-It wasn't that hard, was it?

-I take it back.

Every word.

That's the orchestra sorted.

Now, all we have to do is put the candles out

and then scoot over to the church.

-Is everything OK in here?

-Better than ever, sir.

Next time you're stuck on the ceiling, Ryan,

I'm leaving you there.

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

CHATTER MAN: There's the car.

You'll have to go around again.

-Still no sign?

-He's not answering his phone.

-You don't think he's having second thoughts?

-Of course not, love.

No, no. Look, just go round the block again and I'm sure he'll be...

HORN

-LAUGHTER What do you reckon?

-Has to be.

Can you go around one more time? Sorry.

Right, just...just wait.

It's bad luck to see the bride.

-You're late.

-Look, it's my fault. I'm sorry.

-Well, can you just hurry up inside, please.

-Thank you, B-Mode.

B-Mode always helps friends.

Come on! Move! Move! Move!

-Late to your own wedding!

-Mum, calm down, I'm here.

-Come on.

-I thought you was kidding when you said you knew B-Mode.

-Come on, man.

CHURCH BELLS PEEL

ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE DEATH MARCH

ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH

Our lovely bridesmaids!

APPLAUSE

Finally... Finally, I just...

-On behalf of myself and my wife...

-Ohh!

-Yeah!

I just want to say thank you all for coming

and also for all your generous presents.

-Yes!

-Which... Which just leaves me to introduce my best man.

It's fair to say we've had our moments,

but then what family doesn't, right?

Although I should add that I'm fully expecting

the next proceedings to be a massive stitch-up.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gents, welcome my best man...

my brother, Josh Carter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Way back when life was made black and white

# A baby was born called Nathan That's right

# And going to the bog around the house was what he specialised in

# Except he never used a potty

# And I'm not saying Nathan was an ugly baby

# But anyone who tried to look into the buggy fainted

# On his first day of wearing school trousers he wet a pair

# Then he went and wet a spare

# And we all know how he went as a teen

# From bad to awful and everything in-between

# He specialised in pranks and other nonsense

# Terrorised teachers Elmsbury's most wanted

# Legend in the playground Villain in the staff room

# Hair like a strange clown Face like a cartoon

# Left school bumming round with his mates

# Nearly was a rap superstar by mistake

# Went full circle Came back to school

# Perfect place to go act the fool

# Now, next thing I know Big bro's telling me

# He's become obsessed with a teacher called Melanie

-ALL: Aw!

-# Did it happen straightaway?

# Not quite, but she is like the only thing he's ever got right

# So let's raise a glass to the happy couple

# And to Nathan, my stupid big brother, man, I love you. #

ALL: Aw! APPLAUSE

To Nathan and Mel.

ALL: To Nathan and Mel.

-MAN:

-Whoo!

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"

Hey.

-Thanks for marrying me.

-Thanks for turning up.

-Well, it's the least I could do.

-Hm.

It looks magical.

-Did you ever doubt me?

-Never!

Nice trainers, by the way.

So this is it. My big bro all growed up.

-Thanks for all you did today.

-What, stress you out and smash a cake?

HE LAUGHS It was a proper Carter wedding.

Yeah, I suppose so. Look, thank you for everything, bro.

And, Mel, take good care of him, yeah?

I'll do my best, Josh.

Laters, bruv.

Laters.

CHEERING

Sick best-man's rap, cuz.

Look, you were right about just saying it from the heart, man.

I'm always right. You know where to find me

-if you ever need someone to bounce ideas off.

-Look, I ain't in no rush.

I mean, I just got rid of Nathan and now I got my room back, so...

Boys, we've got something to tell you.

-Nero, how would you like live with Josh for a little while?

-Oh, what?!

-Are you asking or telling?

-We've got nowhere else to go, love.

Josh, you don't mind sharing your room with Nero, do you?

Anyone smell smoke?

Whoever's smoking better not give me black lung.

ALARM It's the school!

Nero!

-Maybe we used too many candles.

-We? You mean, you!

Me?!

-GIRL:

-Stop...stop it!

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up They rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Got to find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

-# Gotta see 'em every day

-You can never get away

# The only time that you're the boss at four o'clock! #