Toads 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out Like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

-# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock.

-#

-Keep out of trouble.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Nero!

Your lunch.

Oh!

Oi! Johnson.

I think you'll be needing these.

Did you just get a lift with Mr Harris and Mr Bell?

People are well going to talk.

Bell's moved in with Dexter. I didn't ask him to.

So what?

I live opposite some woman who thinks it's a good idea to

play the drums at 4am - doesn't mean she has to give me a lift to school.

Look, it was only a matter of time before even the teachers wanted to

hang with the coolest kid in school.

OK?

I don't see why you're so excited.

Er - hello! We're going to be learning about biology, innit?

It's going to be a right laugh.

There is nothing funny about the human body.

What a load of guff! Wobbly things are always funny.

Hey, do you reckon Miss Baker will show us videos?

Better still - puppets.

The human body is the most natural thing in the world.

It's nothing to laugh about. Under these clothes, I'm naked.

Eurgh!

Good morning, Miss Baker.

Ooh! That looks interesting. What have you got under here?

Don't touch!

It's for my Year 9s. We're doing reproduction.

Ooh, good luck with that.

Why would I need luck?

Well, it's exactly the sort of topic that might whip them up

into a bit of a frenzy.

-I'm sure it'll be fine.

-Well, if you need me, you know where I am.

Running the 4 O'Clock Club,

I've had quite a bit of experience with our unruly kids.

Thanks. But I'm pretty sure I can handle it.

Stop running!

Please!

You know, we could just ask Isaac to open it.

Right. Cos letting the caretaker do it is way more fun.

Also I'm sure hammers and screwdrivers

are banned under the school rules.

You know what else should be banned?

YOU.

That seems a little unnecessary.

Oh, man. Think of what we could use this for.

We could hide gnomes in it.

You do know gnomes aren't real?

Garden gnomes are. Aw, man, check these out!

That is proper minging.

-Don't! We don't know where they've been.

-They've been in my locker.

Yeah, for millions of years. They're fossil pants.

-Maybe a dinosaur wore them.

-Dinosaurs didn't wear pants.

Fam, you are seriously obsessed with nudity.

Throw them away.

I'm keeping them. Stop the thieves from nicking my gnomes.

I don't see why we have to learn about it off teachers.

It's embarrassing.

Surprised to see you here. Thought you'd be in the staff room,

entertaining your teacher friends with hilarious anecdotes.

Look. Bell and Dexter - I'm just playing them. That's all.

Nero!

You left your maths in the car.

Yeah. I meant to.

Who cares about maths, right?

You might want to give question five another look.

So now he's helping you with your homework, too?

I ain't friends with the teachers!

There's nothing wrong in being friends with teachers.

A grown-up on hand to help with homework and things?

Good for Nero, I say.

Wow!

Let's get started.

Here we go. Cheeky time.

What is reproduction?

Don't you know? Bit shameful for a science teacher.

I'm asking you.

Obviously I know.

It's embarrassing.

And disgusting.

It's perfectly natural and not embarrassing or disgusting.

Says the boy who likes nuddy dinosaurs!

Reproduction is the process by which plants

and animals create new individuals.

It is fundamental to the continuation of life on this planet.

-Here it comes.

-Hold on to your caps.

Today we'll be studying the reproductive cycle of...

-..toads.

-Toads?

You have to wear gloves to handle the toads.

They're SO cute!

You have the weirdest definition of cute.

It's like when you had that crush on that boy in Year 10

who looked like a peanut.

Miss, we thought we were doing human biology.

And toads ain't people, miss. They do frogspawn and that.

I heard about this girl who accidentally drank

a bucket of frogspawn and she was sick a month later

and a frog came out of her mouth and looked at her.

THEY ALL TALK

A-hem. Settle down.

Now, there is a reason why we'll be studying these toads.

Is it cos the toads are a metaphor for us?

Cos like them, we're trapped in this school-stroke-tank?

No. Now, I'm going to play you something.

And I want you to have a good listen.

CROAKING

Owen records his beefs too, miss.

For the last time, that was an accident.

I'd sat on my phone.

That's the sound of a toad's mating call.

It can be heard up to half a mile away.

So can Owen's beefs!

Shut up! I don't get windypops.

Why don't we all see if we can be as loud as that?

Ready? And go.

THEY CROAK

Best lesson ever!

That is enough!

Guys! Miss Baker is new here.

You NEED to give her a chance. So STICK to her lesson plan.

Mr Harris, I have everything under control.

They need to know they can't behave like this for you.

It's really not fair.

We were just making toad noises, sir.

Miss Baker is trying to teach a lesson and you're being disruptive.

-I'm sorry, but it's detention. For all of you.

-HE CROAKS

Double detention for you.

A word, please. Outside.

-Thought Harris had come to see what you wanted for tea tonight.

-ALL: Wow!

# Whoa, this is way too much, bruv

# I ain't never been a school staff suck up

# The only thing worse than that rumour growing

# Is being backed up on anything by Owen

# Sheesh! How can I keep respect

# If I'm now known as some kind of teacher's pet?

# You can see I'm stressed cos I'm not that poodle

# How can I get it into your thick noodle?

# Bell? Harris? We're not friends

# Today's the day that that tosh ends

# Teachers could never be on my level

# Guess I'll have to remind the world I'm a rebel

# Just need a devilish plan that's real fun

# Stealing a statue's head It's been done

# Nick all the staff room mugs It's been done

# Burn down the school, then And that one

# Cuss Guess I just need something new

# Something no-one could ever even think to do

# Something that proves that I'd never get rattled

# By a teacher in a two-way battle

# That firmly confirms I'm their worst nightmare

# And Elmsmere knows the boss is right here

# Pupils, teacher, the lot I'll show 'em

# All I gotta do is pick the right moment. #

Seein' as we've got all these toads here,

why don't we have a laugh with 'em?

I'd asked the students to make the sound of a toad's mating call.

Oh. Well, it sort of sounded like they were messing about.

Even if they were, I'm capable of taking care of a class myself.

I just remember how I was when I started.

It was all too easy to let things spiral.

-I am not you, Dexter.

-I know you're not.

-How am I supposed to learn if you keep interfering every five minutes?

-Sorry.

-Toad racing?

-Like horse racing, but with toads.

Hmm. Toads are way too small to ride on.

I suppose if we strap one to each foot...

We ain't going to ride them, you dongle.

We each pick a toad, draw a line,

and whichever toad gets there first wins. It'll be jokes.

This is not the way to learn about reproduction.

What do you know? You were born in a Petri dish.

This one's mine. I'll call him Mr Bell.

And aren't you a disgusting, ugly thing, Mr Bell!

Leave him alone. You're scaring him.

Don't be stupid. Mr Bell's fearless.

And he wants a kiss.

Kissy, kissy, kiss, kiss!

Toads aren't toys. Give it to me.

Toad storm!

Clearly you work really hard. I promise...

The toads are loose! The toads are loose!

CHILDREN SCREAM

Now you can help me - get those toads!

I just cleaned this floor. Why are there frogs all over it?

What is going on here?

Where have all these toads come from?

Watch out!

Oh, no!

Poor toady. Did the nasty lady nearly step on you?

You shouldn't leave students alone with amphibians.

-Anything could've happened.

-Not anything.

Saying anything could happen implies a degree of infinite

possibility, when in reality...

Sorry.

First an outbreak of anti-establishment graffiti

in the humanities corridor and then this!

What is this school coming to?

Are you insinuating that this is my fault?

Everyone, please. It was my fault.

It really was.

Explain.

I distracted Miss Baker from her lesson.

That's why she wasn't supervising her students.

Well, then...

I don't think it's fair to apportion blame to Mr Harris.

There's wider issues of discipline and leadership.

This year, the students seem to be more out of control than ever.

I wonder why.

# Who is Bell kidding? This is all my fault

# And I'm sick of Andress giving me the eyeball

# I've tried to show these kids that I'm down and we roll together

# But I can't deny, it's true

# They're more out of control than ever!

# I remember back when I started

# Really tried to be the 4 O'Clock master

# More advanced than Nathan Carter

# And I was going to turn these kids around by November

# So bad behaviour wouldn't exist by next September

# What happened to Old Dexter who wanted to make a difference?

# Did everyone ignore him and nobody really listen?

# Or is it that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was

# And just not strict or determined or sure enough

# Maybe my approach isn't the one

# To compete with an Andress or Mr Nunn

# It seems like no matter how hard I try

# I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER get it right!

# Maybe I should give up

# Leave my red pen on the desk

# Go ahead and just give up

# Oh, hang my satchel and my tie on the door, no more

# I want to give up

# Be an ice cream man A cashier in a bank

# Or a chef with a pan

# Or even just a gardener holding a trowel

# I feel I should throw in the towel right now

# Maybe I should give up. #

I think it's best that I step down from running detention.

No. I've enough on my plate without having to deal with that too.

I haven't made a difference to discipline in the school.

I think it's best that someone else takes over.

Fine. Who ran the detentions at Fowlmere before the merger?

Mr Nunn, you're now in charge of detention.

What? I don't think so, love. I've got sevens tonight.

Not any more.

-Move! I saw one!

-Saw what?

A frog. I'm trying to round up the escaped ones.

They could get in the electrics. Frogs are dangerous.

They are toads, not frogs and they're well cute.

Do you want some help finding them?

Not for free, obviously.

Let's say 50p for every toad we find.

A penny a toad.

Oh, yeah, a penny a toad,

because we're really living in Victorian times.

She's being sarcastic.

-5p then.

-30.

-19. That's my final offer.

-Your loss.

-All right, all right, 20.

22p a toad.

Deal.

BELL RINGS

I told you to leave the toads alone!

It ain't fair that we all get in trouble because of you.

Be honest.

You got into trouble so you could spend some more quality time

with your best friend Mr H, right?

Look, the second that noodle waltzes in here,

I'll play him like a kazoo.

I'll be back home before you've even eaten your words.

Nobody talks. Nobody gets out of their seat.

Nobody even blinks without bringing in a form signed by their parents.

Where's Dexter?

What did I just say, Johnson?

A load of stuff I weren't really listening to?

Well, you'd better start listening.

Mr Harris is no longer in charge of detention. I am.

THEY GROAN AND EXCLAIM

Oh, stop your groaning,

otherwise I'll make each and every one of you lick this desk.

Yeah, that's right.

There'll be no more hippy-drippy, touchy-feely,

"ooh, tell me what makes you sad and I'll wipe your nose" rubbish.

A-hem!

Yes. You. What?

How long before you and Nero start hanging out

together in your spare time?

Oh, leave Nero alone. It's getting boring.

Right! That's it. I said no talking!

You! Give me your shoe.

-What?

-Your shoe. Hand it over.

Everyone follow me. Now!

This is what happens if you misbehave from now on.

We all cushty on that? Great!

What? How is it my fault that Nunn's got a busted spring?

If you didn't spill the toads,

Mr Harris wouldn't have got fired and Nunn wouldn't have taken over.

And I'd still have my shoe.

You have to admit, there is some cause and effect going on here.

OK, OK. I'll...

I'll fix it.

I always do, don't I?

I swear you've found more toads than we've lost.

I'm going to go broke at this rate.

What can I say? We're just really, really good at finding things.

Ooh! I found another one!

What?

That'll be 22p, please.

-This is costing me a fortune.

-Yah.

Ooh, I got one too!

You can't have. I've hardly found any.

I'll just put it in there for you.

Oi, caretaker man. What happens to the toads after this?

They go back where they came from.

Some laboratory.

A laboratory?

What happens to toads in laboratories?

It can't be nothing good.

You been played, ladies.

What have we done?

# I'll tell you what we've done and trust me, there's no denying

# We've basically doomed a bunch of little toady lives

# Why? For a little bit of money?

# But innocent amphibians in prison isn't funny

# And not just the amphibians The toads too

# How do we know they won't end up in a toad stew?

# Or get experimented on? Yeah, you know the crime

# In the lab making little tiny Toadensteins!

# Why you so surprised? You should know the price

# We have to pay, ladies This is what the system does

# The real criminal's the school mate, it isn't us

# They treat us just like the toads An experiment

# They'd do anything to make us behave better

# Then they can fill in all their forms, make 'em look good

# And they'd stick us wrong uns in a tank if they could

# That's why freeing the toads should be the first

# Step towards freeing ourselves from something worse

# We have the power, not them We can change this

# Flip the world on its head Rearrange this

# Andress and the rest will get a surprise

# The toads will rise The toads will rise

# Yeah! It's the ultimate solution

# Save our slimy friends and start a toady revolution

# Fight for our rights alongside those little guys

# The toads will rise The toads will rise

# And it's true, we're alike Just like how she says

# Cos I've got a long tongue and quite bouncy legs

# Sometimes I wear green and I've swallowed flies

# The toads will rise The toads will rise. #

Right, guys?

We have to prove we're worse behaved for Nunn than we are for Dexter.

So pour more bad behaviour on top of the trouble we're already in,

-in the hope it'll fix things?

-Got it in one.

That's like trying to get rid of a fire by setting fire to it.

Which sounds awesome.

If Andress thinks we'll listen to Dexter,

she'll put him back in charge.

Yeah! Let's do this!

-How are we going to do this?

-Er, don't know yet. Give me a minute.

I used to be one of the good kids.

What happened to my life?

More importantly, what do you think about me

turning my locker into a mini nightclub?

Mirror balls, disco lights and dry ice.

No, I prefer the gnomes.

Who do you think the nightclub's for?

Toads? For me?

We needed somewhere to put them

until we can think what to do with them.

I thought you were handing them over to Isaac.

We did. And then we unhanded them.

-We found out what Andress plans to do to them.

-Eat them?

She was going to send them off to a laboratory to be cut up,

or experimented on.

Cool! Like Frankenstein.

It's not cool. It's horrible.

What if we stage a protest?

Refuse to hand them over to Andress until she agrees to our demands?

We could cause a proper stink.

Why? What's the point?

To make her accountable.

Oi! Come back!

How can you ignore being oppressed like this?

Well, I think we know how we are going to get our Dexter back.

We're going to save the toads.

Right. Let's hang this out the window.

Save the toads! Save the toads!

Save the toads! Save the toads!

Save the toads! Save the toads!

What are they doing?

What you were too chicken to do, Murphy.

Since when did Nero care about the toads, though?

Save the toads!

Open this door immediately, or I'll be forced to call your parents.

Best of luck with that. Mine are in Kuwait.

I mean it.

We ain't opening nothing till we get what we want.

Which is what?

A guarantee that the toads will go to a good home.

-And a nightclub for gnomes!

-What?

-Why'd the toads get all the love?

-Shut up.

They need somewhere to live out the rest of their toady days in peace.

And we want to meet Kermit.

Give me strength!

None of that is going to happen.

-Who's locked in my classroom now?

-Johnson and friends.

You're supposed to be in charge of discipline.

Get them out of there.

All right, keep your hair on! I can handle this.

-Oi! Open up, you weasels!

-It's Nunn.

-Good.

Open up this door right now

or I'll punch my fist through it, like some massive robot.

I could point out to you any number of reasons

why that isn't going to be possible.

But please - be my guest.

-Oi, open up scumbags!

-We should just let him in.

Don't! He'll take my other shoe!

We do not open that door until we get Dexter.

We ain't negotiating with you. We don't respect you enough.

I beg your pardon? I demand you respect me this instant!

-We're only going to speak to Mr Harris.

-Respect me, I said!

Harris, Johnson and the rest,

they've locked themselves in the science room.

They claim you're the only one they'll listen to.

Well, we know that's not true.

True or not, I will not have this sort of disruptive element in

my school, and right now, you're the only one who can put a stop to it.

BANGING

Nero?

Mr Harris! Brilliant!

We want our demands listened to.

Do you?

Yes!

OK.

Some negotiation this is.

OK, Dexter. OK. You win.

Well played. Nice tactics. We give in.

Just...go easy on us, OK?

I didn't do anything.

What are you doing?

We want a guarantee of toad welfare!

-Stop hijacking our protest!

-It was rubbish!

You were about to give in before they'd even agreed to anything!

That was actually the point.

We give into Dexter,

they put him back in charge of the 4 O'Clock Club.

So this whole thing was to get Harris back?

What is it with you and teachers?

Look, who would you rather in charge? Dexter or Nunn?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Get out here, you rancid yobs,

or next time you'll still be in the shoe when I throw it on the roof.

-That's quite enough.

-But I was just starting to get through to them.

I don't think you should be running detention.

So Mr Harris back in charge, then, miss?

Mr Harris doesn't want to be in charge.

But I thought you fired him.

Actually, I quit.

What? Why?

I only signed up for the 4 O'Clock Club to make a difference.

I failed. Big time.

He sounds really down.

Good.

It ain't good.

Teaching's the only thing he really wanted to do.

Mr Harris? You may or may not have made us any better,

but you was the only one didn't make us any worse.

So you got to come back.

Look, I'll think about it.

Can't ask for more than that.

Yes, you can. What about the toads?

You have my personal pledge that I'll do everything in my power

to make sure those toads are safe.

Good enough. Open the door.

Finally!

Detention!

Dear, oh, dear. A student protest!

It wouldn't have happened when I was in charge.

I have to say I'm really glad

I'm no longer responsible for discipline.

Thanks for agreeing to look after them, Lizzie.

No trouble. I'm just glad we found them all.

Shouldn't you be getting off to the 4 O'Clock Club?

Ah, good news and bad news on that front.

The good news is, I've been promoted to head of the music department.

Aren't you the only person in the music department?

I'll have to make sure I don't let myself down, then.

But how could you...if you're...

Oh, yes, I see. Humour.

And the bad news?

I won't have time to take detention.

But Miss Andress is bringing in a specialist.

Someone who can really dedicate themselves to discipline.

All hail Emperor Nero -

the only man that could get Dexter back in charge.

I caught my sleeve on that handle. Look. Lost a button, look.

Mr Bell will now be in charge.

Miss Andress felt that with my years of senior teaching experience,

-that I was the only realistic candidate for the job.

-What?

I hope you know what's at stake here, Crispin.

We'd hate for the board of governors

to get wind of any more mistakes from you.

Well, that ain't so bad.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. We're going to eat him alive.

-# Can't live with 'em

-# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

-# Kick you when you're down

-# But what no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 O'Clock. #