Theatre 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

"A Bigger Bang: The world's first scientific musical."

-I wondered if you wanted to come and see it with me.

-Ha-ha-ha.

Wow, Harris, a grotty arts centre

surrounded by a bunch of mouth-breathing science nerds.

What a romantic date that isn't.

Obviously it isn't a date.

Is it, Dexter?

No. No, of course not.

I meant,

as a school trip. With students. Music and science.

Bring the departments together.

Oh, right, so if it was a history or sports-based musical,

you'd be asking one of us?

Of course I would. Absolutely.

I'm very flattered, Mr Harris, but you're really not my type.

Ha-ha-ha!

So, what do you reckon?

OK. Yes.

Could be fun.

I'll mention it to the kids.

A boring theatre thing? Why would anyone want to go to that?

This says it's educational and fun.

Cos they're two things that go well together.

Come on, guys - "A Bigger Bang". I promise we'll have a laugh.

We don't have to go to the theatre for a bigger bang, Dex.

We can stay right here for one.

-DRUM BANGS

-Nero, can you not...?

THEY GASP AND GROAN

Too...big a bang?

Last week it was "fish breath".

The week before that, they were comparing your face to a posterior.

It's a total breakdown of order.

Let's not overstate it.

But you're still no closer to catching the culprit.

It's only a matter of time before we catch him.

Or her.

Let's not be sexist.

-Did you see who did this?

-We just got here!

Just in time to pay our respects.

Phantom Sprayer, we, the students of Elmsmere,

salute you.

-Deten...!

-Miss...

Mr MacPherson's asked for you.

Says 9A have locked him outside his classroom.

Not again...

Whoever's doing this

has got mad guts,

if nothin' else.

Who was that?

That's Carson. Eloise Henry well fancies him.

Everyone fancies him.

Bunch of sheep.

What, you don't fancy him?

Nah.

Just one of those uber-handsome charming boy-band types.

Well boring.

So you were just asking who he was out of random curiosity?

I just ain't seen him around before, that's all!

-Why the five million questions?

-All right! Bite my head off much?

BELL RINGS

Oh!

SHE GASPS

Oh, no! I am SO sorry.

Are you OK?

Yeah. It's probably my fault. Never look where I'm going.

I'm Carson, by the way.

I've noticed you around.

You're...?

Clem.

Awesome name.

Do you think?

I hate it.

It's short for...Clementine.

Could be worse.

Could be called Tangerine.

Then you'd be known as Tange.

Yeah.

Dodged a bullet there.

So, it was cool to meet you,

Clem with the awesome name.

I've got to get off to EFAC.

You know EFAC, right?

Totally.

I heard it's meant to be totally awesome.

I'd love it if you came along.

Yeah.

Guess I could.

Welcome to EFAC, the Elmsmere Fundraising Action Committee.

Er, why is she here?

She's a troublemaker.

Clem wants to get involved and be part of the EFAC team.

Right, Clem?

# This is absurd! How could I fancy a school-loving nerd?

# Frightening! Do I really like him?

# Deep inside I got two sides fighting: the real me

# Tough to a T, or the goody-goody I'm pretending to be

# Am I going to go against all I believe?

# Just to impress a boy? That's so weak!

# But maybe that's just what everybody does

# Aren't you supposed to do anything for love?

# Go to any lengths, no matter what happens?

# Fight the biggest battles, slay the biggest dragons

# Love is a challenge - that's how the game goes

# Climb any mountain, even volcanoes

# But how can I sign up to a group that supports the school?

# That's too much!

# Oh, I'm just so torn

# Two sides, both at war

# Who's going to win?

# Oh, I'm just so torn

# Two sides, am I out, am I in

# And who's going to win? Dunno where to begin!

# I'll look like an idiot Totally unacceptable, isn't it?

# But he is really cute

# Just never assumed this is something that I'd do!

# It is kinda awkward If I claim to hate the school

# I can't support it

# That's torn it there for a start

# It's like a battle between my head and my heart

# And real love is something that I could try

# I mean, hey, at least he's a good guy

# Plus if I join and I hate it

# I can tear down the system from inside! #

-Boom!

-EXPLOSION

Just tell me what I can do to help.

Help? What?

Overthrow the system, you anarchist?

Isobel!

Sorry, Carson.

I have got a feeling you're going to fit right in here, Clem.

Me too.

Thanks for getting me grounded. I was meant to be at Eli's.

You should've thought about that before damaging school equipment.

How could I think about it?

What happened to that drum was an accident!

Yeah, well, it's funny how these "accidents" always happen to you!

Right, I'm going to make a cup of tea.

And no, I'm not making you one.

Total botch.

Oh, yeah!

CJ Dean's doing a street dance showcase

the same day that Bigger Bang thing is on.

I'm so going to go.

But aren't you grounded for murdering that drum?

Yeah, but I ain't grounded for educational trips.

-A street dance showcase is not an educational trip.

-No.

But Dexter's bang thing is.

Come on, I sign up for that

and then I can sneak out to watch CJ Dean busting moves.

Oh, and I need you to sign up too.

I'll sign up, but I'm not sneaking around.

I don't need to cause trouble to validate myself,

thank you very much.

I only need you to cause a diversion, so I can bunk next door.

I'll do it. Can I pretend to get stung by a wasp, and then faint?

Yeah. Knock yourself out.

Not sure I want to do that.

Wow. Exactly zero takers for your ridiculously boring trip, Harris.

Hmm. I guess it'll just be me and Lizzie, then.

Sort of like...

a date.

Gives us that, Dex.

Ha-ha! Yeah, cosy.

Just you, Lizzie, and these three idiots.

When you've done this, there's more in the boys' toilets.

Do I have to? It smells like something died in there.

Something big. Like a bull.

It's your job!

Is that the list for the trip?

You'll need more students than this

if you're borrowing the school minibus.

It's hardly an effective use of school resources.

How many? I'm having a bit of trouble.

Unless ten students sign up, the trip is off.

Ten.

Oi.

She's in a right mood today.

Suppose it must hack you right off,

living on a bum farm.

HE SIGHS

Late night knit night!

50p to stay up and do knitting and crocheting,

then we'll raffle off what we make.

We should have a kitten day.

Where we bring kittens to school and people pay to play with them.

GIGGLING

Or we could dress up as ponies, skipping and giggling?

It's just so easy to be sarcastic, isn't it?

With you lot, yeah!

You need stuff that normal kids care about.

Not knitting and kittens.

OK, Clem.

Got any ideas?

Top of my head...

zombie fest.

Half the school dress up as zombies

and the other half have to avoid them,

like an epic game of tag.

You really think kids are going to pay to do that sort of thing?

Trust me - you'll raise more money if you say it's for the kids.

Inspirational.

In fact...

..I've got one really important job you could do for me.

OK.

How would you like to be in charge of the next poster campaign?

Like, design the posters,

come up with slogans?

Yeah, I could do that.

Actually, it's more like putting these posters up

around the school for me.

It's called the Washing Machine. It's his most famous move.

I cannot wait to see it live.

This is my most famous move.

-It's called the Squeal Owen.

-HE YELPS

Other hand.

-Thank you, fans.

-Dex, Dex!

We were just saying we can't wait to go on the trip.

-We think it's going to be epic.

-The trip's off.

Only you three signed up, and I need ten to fill the minibus.

Sorry, guys.

Dexter! Wait! We can do it for you.

-Do what?

-The hard sell.

We'll fill that minibus for you.

There is no way you are going to see CJ whatsit.

How come?

Well, people aren't going to sign up

to see some boring, educational, science-y, musical thing.

-I might.

-I mean normal people.

OK, well...

-Could I interest you in a school theatre trip?

-No.

What if I said there was crazy psycho clowns?

As if.

-Ain't that right, Eli?

-Yeah!

At one point they set themselves on fire

and there's this wheelbarrow full of walnuts

and then they shatter it with their teeth.

Yeah, all right, then.

If it's a One Direction tribute show,

why is it called "A Bigger Bang"?

Cos it's One Direction... but louder?

Are you going?

Yes.

Then I'll pass.

Shame.

As an educational trip, it counts towards our grades.

Give me that.

SHE SCOFFS

Clem.

Unbelievable.

Some anti-school idiot must've taken down all the posters I put up

and chucked them in the bin.

Some people have really got it in for this place.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Hey, are you going on this Bigger Bang trip?

-SCOFFING:

-What, the theatre show?

Yeah. According to Nero Johnson, the proceeds are going towards EFAC.

I'd love it if you came.

Aw, what?

We've been doing this all day and we only got nine.

That's it, then. No trip.

Oi!

Yes!

Fine. It can go ahead.

Great! I'll let Miss Baker know.

It can't be just you and Miss Baker.

Neither of you are first aiders.

-I am.

-You were.

Until you threw the first aid dummy out the first-floor window.

-That was an accident.

-And burnt down a school.

-Mr Nunn.

-What?

You did a first aid course, didn't you?

Why's that, love? You choking on a cake?

I need you to go on Mr Harris's school trip.

Oh, come on! The theatre?!

I hate all that flouncing about, men in tights pretending to be swans.

That's the ballet.

-It's the same thing.

-Tough. You're going.

You've ruined my evening, Harris. I intend on ruining yours.

Whoa!

The Phantom Sprayer strikes again.

The Talentless Sprayer, more like.

That picture's well shabby.

They got the right idea, though.

The paint's still fresh.

-We must have just missed them.

-Unbelievable.

The disrespect some people have for the authorities.

Stick it to 'em, I say.

This is the real weapon of the people.

- Erm, we just got here. - Do you think I'm stupid?

You don't really want us to answer that.

-This is all your fault.

-I didn't do this, squid-rag.

You answered back to Miss Andress.

Why are you lot cleaning off graffiti?

Because we enjoy it, obviously.

Cos Miss Andress thinks we did this.

She's cancelled your trip.

-What?!

-We ain't allowed to go no more, so not enough people.

Epic. Cheers, Burton, you massive donkey.

It weren't me!

You want your trip to go ahead - you try finding the real Sprayer.

I can do bird noises too. This is an eagle.

HE SQUAWKS

This is a...a finch!

HE SQUAWKS

And this is a fl-flemungo!

-HE SQUAWKS

-And this is a...

-We shouldn't be in here.

-Exciting, though, right?

HE SIGHS

SQUAWKING CONTINUES IN NEXT ROOM

Bingo.

This is so humiliating.

We're better than this. We're in EFAC.

Ha, we're not in EFAC.

Obviously you're not. Me and her are.

You're in EFAC?! As in EFAC the school-addicted creepoids?

We're not creepoids!

You are.

I've turned a corner.

I love hanging out with all my new EFAC buddies, right, Belle?

Aww!

Look at me!

Grr!

LAUGHTER STOPS

-It's just a cover, all right?

-Nothing to do with Carson, then?

What? Who?

No. Don't be stupid. I don't like him.

Look, I'm just trying to channel their funds away

from the poxy teachers into the hands of us lot.

That's all.

Then why have you gone all red?

What?

No, I ain't.

It's just really hot in here.

She does like him.

I know. She should totally ask him out.

That's your big plan?

Fingerprints?

Yeah.

Like CSI Elmsmere.

We'd have to get prints off everybody in the school.

I know that. I've seen it on TV.

They cover people's fingers with ink and stuff.

Hey, let's start with us.

Whoa! Wha-What are you doing?!

Paint will work just as well.

Caught red-handed. The real culprit is revealed.

-Whoa. Hang on. We were just...

-Save it.

I should've known it was you all along.

My office. Now.

HE GROANS

Hey! You filled all the places!

It was touch and go.

Then this Carson kid signed up

and suddenly a whole load of girls are beating down my door!

I had to turn people away.

Clem. Hey.

Looking forward to this?

Yep.

Got to love a school trip.

Erm...listen, you got a sec?

There's, um,

something I wanted to ask.

Hi. I'm Carson. I've noticed you around.

You are...?

No-one. Don't mind us.

You two get on with it.

Yeah, and hurry up, will you?

We've got a One Direction tribute act to throw ourselves at.

-The Phantom Sprayer!

-No!

I was trying to prove Clem and the others were innocent

so the theatre trip could go ahead.

Since when were you interested in educational trips?

-I'm calling your aunt and your mum.

-This is such a botch fest.

I didn't even do nothing wrong!

Out.

That wasn't there before.

Guess that means I'm off the hook.

Yes...

You know, Auntie Liz ain't going to be happy

when she hears that you kept me off an educational school trip.

It's too late. The minibus will have already gone.

You could get me a cab.

I'll take you in my car.

What One Direction songs are they going to do?

On a scale of one to ten,

how disappointed would you be if I said...none?

Ten being disappointed enough to punch me in the head.

You lied to us, didn't you?

Would you have come if we hadn't?

Can't wait to see your faces when the chainsaw clowns come out.

It's just some stupid science show. Why would there be chainsaw clowns?

It might still be good.

OK, guys, it's time.

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, Harris, you goon!

-It went everywhere!

-Sorry.

-Let me...

-Oh!

-Sorry.

Not exactly sold out, is it?

Carson?

-And your name is?

-Fleur.

Popcorn?

Not you.

Well, it was cool to meet you, Fleur with the awesome name.

Steady on.

Give that back.

Have you ever heard of EFAC?

I'd love it if you came along.

# That ball of slime!

# It's all the same lines!

# He must drop on every girl, every time!

# And I'm such a sucker that I fell for it

# Oh, yeah, he's got himself sorted

# Slick tongue, charm and good looks

# And boom, he's got another girl on the books

# Of his stupid, creepoid, suck-up committee

# I mean, this guy is not for real, is he?

# I can't believe what a plum I've been

# He was never one bit interested in me!

# Flirted, pretended, acted like he liked me

# It's Fleur now, who knows who the next might be?

# For another recruit for that group he's got

# Trying hard to be something he's not

# I mean, yeah, sure I was pretending as well

# To get him to fancy me, I wasn't myself

# Erm... #

But that was totally different!

# That wasn't what this is!

# This is treason, lowdown scheming

# Pure evil for no good reason!

# Some dumb boy trying to toy with girls

# He ain't ready for me, I'm going to end his world!

# OK, Carson, sure, you can play it slick

# But just know that you won't get away with it!

# You can lie, cheat, fight, repeat

# Scam, con, make believe

# You can do it to him and her, to all of them

# But I'll tell you now, bruv, you can't cross Clem

# You can't cross Clem

# You can't cross Clem

# You can't cross Clem

# You can't cross Clem

# Can't cross Clem. #

DRAMATIC MUSIC BEGINS

Good evening!

I'm Professor Albert von Bangenstein Higgs Boson von Hubble III,

but you can call me Alby.

Good grief.

Tonight we shall be going on an epic journey of scientific discovery

lasting 13.8 billion years!

You are so dead.

Come on, it's started.

# And the Big Bang went a-boom-biddy,

# A-boom-biddy

# A-boom-boom-boom

# A-boom-boom-boom...! # Everybody! Come on!

# A-boom-biddy, a-boom-biddy

# A-boom-boom-boom-boom

# And the universe contracts... #

It's good, isn't it? Science with music!

It's ridiculous.

The Big Bang is just a name - it didn't actually make a sound.

The physics of matter didn't even exist at that point.

-Boo! Get off!

-LAUGHTER

Maybe we can go for a pizza afterwards...

Sh, I'm trying to listen!

Ha-ha-ha... Don't worry, Harris. Have a jelly snake.

# Watch as the elliptical disc spins around our head

# Around our head, around our head

# The elliptical disc spins around our head

# Around our head, around our head... #

Oh, yeah!

# A-boom-biddy, a-boom-biddy, a-boom-boom-boom, a-boom-boom-boom!

# A-boom-boom-boom-boom! #

Like any big show,

the Big Bang had a star, in this case,

Me! Not really.

I'm not a star.

No kidding, mate!

The star of the show was gravity.

Now, I'd like a volunteer from the audience. Anybody?

Eli - diversion!

Mouse! Mouse! Mouse in the house!

SCREAMING AND SHRIEKING

Nobody tread on it!

Right, everybody, just calm down.

Oh!

Sorry, my mistake.

It wasn't a mouse. It was Owen.

Ah, I think we have our volunteer!

-Er, no, no, no...!

-Come up on stage. Don't be shy.

-And the finishing touch.

-I'll look stupid.

You're my assistant, not a fashion model.

From now on, I shall call you...Igor.

Now, ladies and gentlemen...

..I give you the star of the show,

gravity!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

That's more like it!

How is this science?!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING CONTINUE

At least you got gunged.

I've always wanted to be gunged.

I liked it best when you slipped over and pretended to hurt yourself.

I did hurt myself.

Good. Saves me the job.

Igor. Just wanted to say thanks for your help. You were brilliant.

Yeah. A brilliant embarrassment.

Jim, mate, how'd your show go?

Yeah, good. I had a bit of help, though.

Whoa, wait, you know CJ Dean?

We go back.

Seriously, man, you're the only reason I'm here!

I was going to skip his show to come and see you.

Sorry you missed me.

-I'll put you on my guest list next time I'm in town, yeah?

-For real?

I'm a dancer too. I've got, like, millions of questions.

Fire away.

Result!

-I want a word.

-What?

What you're teaching is completely inaccurate.

It's just a bit of fun.

Huh!

Try telling that to Robert Grosseteste!

Who?

Or Vesto Slipher.

Who, sorry?

-You don't know who Vesto Slipher is?!

-No.

Right.

Fancy a pizza?

I thought you'd never ask.

So, girls, I'll see you at EFAC tomorrow, then?

Er, no. You lot are well weird.

How about that, Carson?

Your flirting doesn't work on everyone.

Flirting?

-I don't know what you...

-Oh, give over.

You trick girls into thinking you fancy them

so they can sign up to EFAC!

Look...

I'm friendly, OK?

Maybe a little bit too friendly,

for someone as good-looking as me. GROANING

But all I'm trying to do is help the school.

Modest, much?

You used us?

For the greater good.

OK, girls, here's an idea.

How about we all go grab a burger and we can just talk about this?

I've got a better idea.

Oi!

Alby!

What was that well important thing you were on about?

Oh, yeah...

gravity!

GASPING

WHOOPING

Detention!

Totally worth it.

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

# But when no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about

# Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #