Triangle 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

-# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

-(4 o'clock). #

# Last day of term Last chance

# Last opportunity to ask someone to the school dance

# I want to ask Clem I haven't asked yet

# My gut is saying yes

# My paranoia's saying

# Is she even interested?

# All term it's been weird vibes

# I didn't get the message

# So are we mates or are we more than friends?

# I wanna ask her but I don't want the wrath of Clem... #

Ahh!

# It's my last hope if I ask her

# Will she say yes?

# Or will she say no-o-o?

# Or will she swat me like a fly then dust off her shoulders?

# It's the last day Last chance

# Last opportunity to ask someone to the school dance

# But I'm not going to do it The whole thing's lame

# What with all the silly dances and smooching?

# But there's someone I thought might have asked me, Nero

# So will he stop and talk or walk past me?

# And would I even ask him? No way

# Do I like him like that? I don't think so, mate

# D-D-D-Do I?

# But what if I don't ask her to the school dance?

# I'll have to stay at home and watch Bell shave his underarms

# In the kitchen sink and if I don't speak to Clem

# She'll be back next term with her arm interlinked

# With a six-foot guy All muscly and ripped

-# What?

-I can't let that happen

-# What?

-No, I can't let her slip

# So today is the day One shot I can't miss

# Can't blow it Might not get another chance

# Like this, no

# It's my last hope If I ask her

# Will she say yes or will she say no?

# Yes or no? Yes or no?

# Who knows? I got nothing to lose

# I've got nothing to lose. #

So you're trying to get a date using maths?

Not maths, economics. Dating is a marketplace.

The longer I leave it to ask someone to the dance,

the higher my value will be as one of the few remaining single men.

By tonight, I'll be Mr Popularity.

Mr Potato 'Ead.

She'll be back. Who are you taking?

Amy Jenkins, the...

woman of my dreams.

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

-Amy?

-Good.

Try not to leave her on the bus like the last one.

Oh, I'm ready. The flowers, the chocolates -

she won't know what hit her.

LAUGHING AND CHEERING

All the boys in this school are totally pathetic.

None of them are asking me to the dance

just cos I'm moving to Croydon.

Maybe it's not because of that.

Maybe it's cos you're a bit loud and awful.

What's she being like that for?

I thought you were my friend.

We sat together in one French lesson,

and now whenever you see me you go off on one.

Well, you two just lost the best friend you NEVER had.

See ya.

Well gutted(!)

This dance is sending everyone loco.

Yeah, and that's why I ain't going.

What you staring at, Leesh?

Will you just ask him out?

Too scared.

Nate Rogers is a god,

and I'm a mere mortal.

Right, I'll do it for you.

Oh, no. Hide me.

Hide me!

# Uh-huh-huh You ain't nothing but a hound dog

# Crying all the time

# Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

# And you ain't no friend of mine. #

-Yeah!

-Whoo!

Wow! That was brilliant.

Yeah, you see the thing about Elvis is that it's all in the hips.

It's smooth and subtle, like an oiled snake.

Uh-huh-huh.

I'm sure the kids will love it.

Being a health and safety monitor

-seems a bit dull compared to all this.

-Aw.

-Well, why don't you join the band?

-Really?

-Fantastic idea.

-What do you say?

-All right.

-Brilliant.

Although I've never played a musical instrument before.

THEY SIGH

Oh, well, maybe next year, eh, love?

Why don't you play...the triangle?

You have to hit it with a little stick, and it makes a tinkle sound.

-I'm not a complete idiot.

-Of course.

Let's take it from the T-O-P.

All right, fam? What's up?

Date planning. Who you taking?

-Ah, now that'd be telling.

-I bet it's Clem - you well fancy her.

Oh, come on, no. Me and Clem are just friends.

Well, good, cos it looks like you just missed your chance.

He said "yes"!

Aw...man.

Oh, well, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

If you want to dance with a haddock.

I wasn't going to ask Clem out anyway.

I was going to ask...

..her.

Ah, that grumpy-looking lass I've never seen you talk to

in my whole life?

Come on, man. I've been waiting for my moment.

Now watch your man go in for the kill.

Yo, I've seen you around here.

Why's that? Have you been stalking me or something?

No, look, I...I just thought...

you're single, I'm single,

I was just wondering if I could take you to the dance?

Aw, really? That's so sweet.

If this is a joke, I'm going to throttle you. Hard.

Ooh.

Clem. Kudos on the new boy.

Is he a boxer, or is he just born with that weird mashed-up bonce?

I ain't got no new boy.

Yeah, right - I saw you asking out Nate Rogers.

Yeah, for Eleesha.

Are you jealous?

No, like, I've already got a date.

Yeah, right(!) Like who?

Nero?!

Who's this?

Katie, this is Clem. Clem, this is...

Katie...

Nero's date...

so back off.

No worries. He's all yours.

# I coulda been dating Clem but ain't nothing going on

# Can I vent? I'll be stuck at a dance with Katie

# Rather be twirling around with a girl with a temper

# That's Clemster, but I messed up and now she's gone till September

# And now I've got to run around pleasing the bossy girl

# And I don't know what I'm in for

# Oh, no, this ain't what I imagined to happen

# I saw Nero on his own

# But he'll be there with someone

-# Katie

-What a lousy love triangle

# Problem is, they're a couple That leaves me the undeniable loser

# Not that I wanted ZERO to ask me to go

# But he should've asked first and I could've said no

# It's a complicated love triangle

# It's not even love

# But it's complicated

# Why aren't I the favourite? Favourite?

# I've got to do something to win back Clem

# Dump Katie, ask her instead

# I shoulda danced under the pale moonlight

# Better ask quick while I still got time

-# Can't have Nero thinking

-I

-can't get a date

# So I better go and find a fake soul mate. #

-PA:

-'Dress rehearsal. Onstage. Five minutes.'

Oi, you. You fancy me?

No. I promise.

Please don't hurt me!

Dimmock.

Oi. Shakespeare?

You got a date for tonight?

No, dear heart.

For verily, I am a bachelor.

Well, guess what? You do now.

Meet me by the bins at six o'clock.

All right.

Textbook.

What?

It was like that when I got it.

HE SIGHS

This place is bleeding me dry.

Thank you.

AMBER: Uh-oh.

It's just a crease.

Oi, sir?

Thingy's...doodah's all, erm...

creasified.

Textbook. Hand it over.

Sorry, I can't. It's in my locker.

On my desk by four o'clock.

Otherwise, there'll be a £5 fine.

And a detention.

BELL RINGS

So where are you going to get a clean book from?

The same place Bell gets them - the history cupboard.

Yeah, of course, as long as we're lying,

let's become criminals into the bargain.

You're only a criminal if you get caught,

and that ain't going to happen.

Why?

Because you two are going to keep lookout. Laters, potatoes.

AMBER: Keep your eyes PEELED.

THEY GROAN

# You ain't nothing but a hound dog

# Crying all the time Uh-huh-huh

# Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

# But you ain't no... # TRIANGLE CHIMES

Sorry.

OK, let's try it again.

On the count of three.

-One, two...

-TRIANGLE CHIMES

No, on the count of three.

One, two, three...

Sorry, on the count of three or on three?

It's just counting, love. It's not rocket science, is it?

And even if it was - you're a scientist!

BELL RINGS

Least someone's got good timing.

This is so much fun.

See you guys later.

Sack her.

This is my night, and that tin-eared twit is ruining it.

-I can't sack Lizzie.

-Oh, because you're too much of a wuss?

-No.

Look, Dexter...

I think you should have an open and honest conversation

with her about her future in the band -

her lack of future.

In other words, "Man up, twinkle."

So, what you going to do?

What do you think?

Dump Katie, ask out Clem.

Whoa, you can't just dump her. If there's one thing

-studying psychology has taught me...

-Here we go.

..it's that aggressive individuals are often compensating

for a deep inner pain.

She IS a deep inner pain...

-in the bum, am I right?

-Relax, yeah?

By the time I'm finished,

she's going to think she dumped me.

You asked anyone to the dance yet?

Not yet, but with each fresh heartbreak, my stock is rising.

By tonight, I'll be James Bond.

Ah! Ah-h-h!

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Mwah!

Yes?

We're waiting for Amber.

She's...in the toilet...

..doing a really long...

wee?

Stop loitering, and get to your lessons.

Well done, Darnesh(!)

You guys seen Katie? Year below, blonde hair?

Bit feisty?

Are you sure you want to talk to her?

She is not a happy bunny.

You're right. So if you see her, can you tell her

I cannot take her to the dance any more? Thanks.

Uh, we aren't dumping her for you.

She's already vexed cos no-one will ask her out

cos of you-know-what.

-"You-know-what"?

-Didn't she tell you?

She isn't going to be around for much longer.

-How much longer?

-Two weeks, tops.

-Then?

-Gone.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

She's going to die?

That's what they said - two weeks, then...

Classic - lashing out to hide her pain.

You can't dump her now, you might finish her off.

I'll have to take her to the dance.

Like a sexy Make-A-Wish Foundation.

You could always ask out Clem next year.

Except she'll probably have a boyfriend by then.

But if you snog Katie, she might leave you something in her will.

Eli? Next time, leave the counselling to the professionals.

LOCK RATTLES

Where is everyone?

So, bad news -

turns out the stage isn't safe.

We've called off the performance.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, really gutted.

But the last thing we want

is someone falling through cos of woodworm.

Woodworm?

No-one told me about any woodworm.

-I'm telling you now.

-This could be well serious.

I'll have to do a thump check.

LOUD THUMPING

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

HE SIGHS

It's all right. This baby's rock solid.

So the show's back on?

Brilliant.

Unless you've changed your mind about being in the band?

No. Can't wait!

Great.

KIDS LAUGH AND SHOUT

PHONE RINGS

Erm, Violet speaking.

Darnesh isn't here right now.

He had to go...to Majorca. Very sudden.

I know it's you, you idiot,

and thanks to you, Mr Bell's locked me in the history cupboard.

He locked you in the history cupboard?

-Ha-ha-ha!

-You laughing?!

No...I'm thinking. Is there one of those little grid-y things?

Air vent? Yeah, there's one in the wall. Why?

Climb in it.

You're joking me.

Settle down!

CLASSROOM QUIETENS DOWN

You'll pop out in the lift or the boiler room. I promise.

I did almost the exact same thing in my last school.

You better not be hoaxing me.

Er... I'm going through a tunnel.

-HE MAKES CRACKLING SOUNDS

-Bye...

Until tonight's revelries, dear heart, adieu.

Seriously, you're going

on a date with an extra from Horrible Histories.

Yeah, so? I like him.

Why didn't you tell me? We can double-date.

Come to mine tonight. You can borrow one of me tiaras!

Chin up. It's just the woman of your dreams

walking out your life, probably forever.

Thanks, Eli(!)

Later, loners.

You told her to do what?!

It's OK, I've done it before.

-PHONE RINGS

-Loads of times.

Well, once.

This'll be her now, telling me everything's hunky-dory.

You out yet?

You said you'd done this before!

-I did.

-And?

I got stuck, too. A teacher had to get the fire brigade.

I'm going to kill you, Darnesh.

At least Ding-Dong left the key in the door.

Yeah, you could've been here till next term. In a way, you got lucky.

Does it look like I got lucky?!

Just give us a minute to work out how to get you out.

Thanks, Vi. At least I know someone's got my back.

You're taking photos, aren't you?

-No, course not!

-As if.

SHE PLAYS TRIANGLE TUNELESSLY

Oi! What's Yoko doing here?

Playing the triangle, like we agreed.

No, we agreed she's a total car crash

and you were going to give her the boot.

Perhaps you could lead the applause?

Guys, I'm not sacking Lizzie.

We're a band. We stick together.

SIGHING

Then I bid you farewell.

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

Good luck. You're going to need it.

Sorry, pal, but either she goes or I go.

Ha-ha, I can see who wears the trousers here - a girl.

Oh, well. There's always next year.

You're not going to give up, just like that.

-We can't do the show, just the two of us.

-Why not?

You on vocals, me on percussion.

SHE HITS TRIANGLE

This is our chance to prove our critics wrong.

Unless...you agree with them?

-No! N...

-Great.

Let's make tonight unforgettable.

SHE HITS TRIANGLE

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

DANCE MUSIC

That is quite an outfit.

Amy's quite a woman. Still no date?

Romance is like a supermarket, Eli.

The best deals are to be had just before closing time.

Fleur, last chance not to spend the night as a sad, old singleton?

Shut up, woggle.

Uh, it wasn't a no.

Here she comes. Wish me luck.

HE PATS HIS BACK

GIRLS LAUGH

I don't believe it.

I remembered the flowers, the chocolates, everything.

So what happened?

Forgot to ask her out.

MUSIC: Starships by Nicki Minaj

Where's the band?

We're the band.

-Just you two?

-Yeah.

We can still go on like this, can't we?

I mean, obviously, I hope so.

Well, unfortunately, it's too late to book a replacement.

Yippee!

-You feeling all right?

-Fine.

What's the worst that could happen?

You get bottled off stage,

you never work as a music teacher ever again?

Enjoy!

CAR HORN BEEPS

Yeah, keep doing that not-smiling thing.

Super-cool. Well Kate Moss.

Oh, my days.

I know. Why didn't you get me a limo? Tightwad.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Isn't this the best night ever?

MUSIC: Wild Ones by Flo Rida featuring Sia

Ooh! I love this one.

What ails thee, madam? Thy brow is...furrowed.

Yeah, cos I need a drink.

SHE SIGHS

And then I'm like, "Who are you calling minging?

"You're the minging one."

-Are you listening?

-Yeah.

That's such a cool story. You should tell more people about it.

Like Fleur.

-You trying to get rid of me?

-No.

I just want you to have a really good night.

-You haven't got long left so...

-Nero, relax.

It's not that big of a deal.

Wow, you are really brave.

Well, you have to make the best of things.

Croydon, ah, well.

-Apparently they have a big Nando's, so...

-Croydon?

Fleur and Eleesha, they...

..they told me you were dying.

And you believed THEM? You idiot.

You know what? You're right. I am an idiot. Yeah, um...

-I don't deserve you.

-You dumping me?

Think of it as me setting you free to...find someone better.

I think Owen is single.

Are you kidding me?

Garland?

You're such a skeeve, Nero Johnson.

I'm going to make sure everyone knows it.

MR HARRIS: Something a bit different now - some rock and roll,

taking a synthesiser and a triangle.

This is our first performance as a two-piece, so please go easy on...

FEEDBACK

All right, listen up.

Nero Johnson is a dirty, two-faced lying worm who tried to dump me

on our first date, because he found out I wasn't dying,

just moving to Croydon.

Well, guess what, Zero? You ain't dumping me, cos I'm dumping you.

LAUGHTER

That's right, boo.

BOOING AND LAUGHTER

Dumped in front of the whole school. Ouch.

Hey, where are you going?

Sorry, my lady.

Thou art a vision of perfection,

but my heart's been enchanted by her fiery soul.

You're chucking me? For her?

Basically.

Soz!

Come on. Me or an early exit?

It's no contest, surely?

I don't get it - they still don't want to date me,

-even though I'm the only guy left.

-Women, eh?

Tell me about it.

MUSIC: Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

Well, since it's just the two of us,

would you do me the honour of helping me scoff these chocolates?

Eli, it would be my pleasure.

Oi, Eli, Franjit's gone home with a dodgy tummy.

Fancy a snog?

Sorry, mate, I... might be needing them after all!

Tragic.

All right! There's no need to rub it in.

Come on, let's have a dance before I start crying.

It worked!

-No touching!

-Right. Yeah, OK.

-Tough night, eh?

-You could say that.

Well, at least you didn't get flamed in front of the whole school.

Yeah, I got dumped by a complete dingbat. Lucky me.

You can do better.

Nah, I'm done with dating. What's the point?

-The way I see it, you're better off on your own.

-Look, Clem...

I'm going to go. See you next term, yeah?

If I bother coming back to this toilet.

I just want to say...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..do you want to...

..get those jokers off stage?

Get them to play some proper music?

Yeah.

BOOING

Stop that! Ow! Ow!

Ow! My eye!

Classic.

This is going to get more hits than Korean Man Headbutts Jellyfish.

SHE KEEPS PLAYING TRIANGLE

Thanks for the freak show, but we'll take it from here.

Yo! Elmsmere!

Give us a shout if you want to hear some proper music.

CHEERING

-OK, on three. One...

-Two...

-# Yeah, uh-huh

-Oooh... Yeah

# It was a term a full term's an adventure

# They see a big smile like your grandma's dentures

# The good news is I'm here

# I thought I'd have to head out of town

# But I'm glad I stayed here with Dexter

# A marriage to remember

# Me and him still haven't worked out

# Whether we're mates or more than friends or not

-# Or what?

-Forget what I just said

-# It's been emotional, Elmsmere

-Enough said

# With the ups and downs me and Lizzie stayed together

# And loves beams down no matter the weather

# A perfect match maybe one day in wedlock

# In spite of him putting my dad in a headlock

# Remember when I saved you all from impending doom?

# Zombie apocalypse a hero rescued you

# We've had our highs and lows for everything

# It's great in my eyes you know, as long as we're mates

# Dates are cool but mates are what matters

# When the going gets tough we'll stay friends forever

# Stay friends stay friends, come on

# Dates are cool but mates are what matter

# When the going gets rough we'll stay friends forever

# Mates get you out of air vents

# In the worst case

# Even if they got you stuck in the first place

# Mates cheer you up when your date stands you up

# Because they never were your date you forgot to ask

# Mates put you first when no girl shows an interest

-# And you're the last man on Earth does that sing?

-Yes!

# Romance does look pretty dapper

# The limos, the ballgowns the glitz and the glamour

# But truthfully my eyelids wouldn't batter

# Unless I've got my mates cos that's what matters

# Yeah, mates cheer you up when you've been dumped

# And make a fool of themselves so you don't look like the only one

# Dates are cool but mates are what matter

# When the going gets rough we'll stay friends forever. #

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick them out

# When you're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always going to be around

-Got to find a common ground

# If you know so much about me where do I go from here?

-# You see them every day

-You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss - 4 o'clock. #