Removal 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay, it can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line

# This time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now - four o'clock. #

I should still be in bed now, this is whack.

Will you please stop moaning?

I can't believe I live with a teacher

and now I have to lug boxes for one.

It'll teach you about hard work and responsibility.

And you won't even be late for school.

Why's Ding-dong moving house anyway?

Did he try and kill someone?

Is he on the run from the cops?

Something about a moth infestation.

It looks like some pretty angry moths.

Mandy, this demeans us both.

You don't have to...

Wait in the van. SOMETHING BREAKS

How am I supposed to catch a cup and saucer?

This isn't even mine. Some of this underwear is yours. Oh!

-Is everything OK?

-Yeah, of course. It's just a little moth problem,

-you know how difficult and stubborn they can be.

-Moths?

Yes. Did you know that they actually thrive on darkness and human sweat?

Well, nothing the professionals can't sort out, hopefully.

Yeah, well, I'll be getting the professionals in, of course.

Legal ones.

OK, so, what do you want us to pack?

Everything. In the general area.

SINGS: Baby, I don't really wanna

know how your garden grows...

What are you doing?

I am a teacher of physical education,

kindly address with me respect, Overalls.

You can't bring that in here.

Then maybe you should have got round to fixing the bike sheds.

Gentlemen, am I sensing conflict?

No, you're sensing me trying to teach

this little princess here the concept of work. Booyah.

What, hanging about in a football pitch, picking your nose?

It's called coaching, Oddjob.

I can see what needs to happen here.

Yes, thank you. He needs to apologise.

He needs to clean up his muck!

No, you both need to follow me to my office.

I think I can see how to remedy this situation.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Jupiter is conjoining Mars in your section of fortune.

Hey, says here today's going to be my luckiest day of the year.

So? Horoscopes are totally bogus.

My nan says the stars never lie.

And your nan thinks that Hollyoaks is a documentary.

Just forget it, there ain't no such thing as a lucky day in Hellmsmere.

There is today. Mystic Angie says so.

What are you girls doing in here?

The bell's gone for registration.

And cue the first detention?

Just reading our horoscopes, Miss.

What does it say for Pisces?

Mercury's in Libra and you're going to be really nice to everyone.

-It's like they've got a window into your soul, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Coincidence.

Is this some sort of sick joke?

You can't respect another man

until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

Look, the point is, I can't be a caretaker.

No offence, but I actually passed some of my GCSEs.

I'm sensing a lot of fear coming from you, Graham.

Yeah, Graham, what are you so scared of?

-I thought you said caretaking was easy?

-It is.

-Good!

-Then you'll swap roles until 4pm this afternoon.

Oh, please, if it was up to me I'd do it for a week.

There we go, a week it is.

I'm so glad that you two are starting to see eye-to-eye.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

I look good, right? The photographer said I had tiny pores.

Oh, you must be so proud.

This true? Naomi told Cerise that your manky mug is going to be

on the posters for the school fashion show.

Hello!

Yeah, all true. Jealous much?

Them posters are going to be buggin. I'm going to Goodman.

Do it. The photo's already been taken,

there's nothing you can do now except

hope that they pick you next year.

Ah, this ain't over, Nerdcore.

Bingo. And just in time for the start of the test.

Great running. Good, heavy breathing. Come on, come on.

Does this look like a racetrack to you?

No, but it's cloudy outside.

I've just cleaned this floor.

You'll just have to clean it again.

-Or is that too much like hard work?

-No.

Oi, you lot! Lesson's over!

-HE WHISTLES

-Back the way you came.

Come on. Hurry up!

Come on!

Move!

-More.

-Steady.

First, I have to check if the weight is evenly distributed.

Time to crack out my trusty spirit level.

Ugh, we're really late now.

Of course, I'm just going to have another sweep round.

Come on, can we just load this? I'm not spending my whole day

hanging out with Ding-dong and Dopey.

No, over 20 traffic accidents a year are caused by badly packed vans.

Oi, careful, stop messing about.

SOMETHING CRACKS

Ah, was that a rib?

I think that was a rib. Hospital.

-You sure? We're really late for school.

-Hospital.

-Hospital.

-All right, get in the van.

Where's Mr Bell?

Is that yours?

It is now. Go, go, go, go, go.

Graham!

Oh, Mr Nunn, I thought I'd find you here.

HE MUMBLES

I was hoping that you'd put up some posters for our

charity fashion show. I'll give you a hand if you like,

you only have to ask.

-MUMBLES: Yes, please.

-No? Oh, well, fair enough.

-No, I said...

-Yes.

Right, well, they all have to be up by lunchtime.

Oh, and by the way, I think I walked

on your nice clean floor on the way over. Sorry!

THEY WAIL LIKE SIRENS

Excuse me.

Can we see a doctor, please? I've got a young person here

with a possible fractured rib.

It's a two-hour wait.

Any chance you can speed things up? We're due in school around now.

Of course. And who would you like me to cross off the list?

The kid in the neck brace or the old man with a Zimmer frame?

Point taken.

THEY WAIL LIKE SIRENS

And no mucking about on the wheelchairs!

Oh, yo, this is a joke.

Can we just take the money and slide?

MOBILE RINGS Not if you want to see

DJ Rush tonight.

-Hello?

-Chuckle Brothers, we're moving.

-Sit down.

-THEY PLAY OFF-KEY

-Where are you?

We're on our way back, we're almost there.

-'Well, hurry up.'

-THEY CONTINUE PLAYING OFF-KEY

Really looking forward to our romantic dinner tonight.

'As long as you promise it won't end up' like last time.

-I...

-'You forgot.'

And I waited outside your flat for two hours in the pouring rain.

Ah. Well, that's why you've got the spare key,

now you can wait inside.

Kaley, take that out of Gavin's nose!

HE SIGHS

Romantic dinner, eh?

That's why you were so chill about me seeing DJ Rush tonight.

-Shhh!

-OK, but you've got to swear now, no snogging

or I'm not ever sitting on that sofa again.

Hmm, I'm not sure if I can do that.

Gross.

I can't believe we got away with bunking registration.

I know, we should have had detention till Christmas.

You must have entered my circle of influence.

Mystic Ange.

-I don't reckon we're going to get any detentions today.

-Yeah?

Well, it's music next. You done your composition homework? Cos I ain't.

4 O'Clock Club, here we come.

Hold up. Where's the geek?

Mr Harris is running late.

I'll be taking this class in which

no-one is allowed to play the recorder.

What about our composition?

What composition?

Don't prove anything.

Hey, the posters are up.

Certainly are, they're on every flippin' wall in the building.

And pinboard. And locker.

Bangin' new tracksuit, sir.

Ingrid's going to be well jel

when she sees I'm all over the school.

Oh, no!

Please tell me I don't look like a complete goob.

Amber, I respect you too much to lie to you.

And I'm just rubbish at lying.

RAPS: # Oh, my days, what is this?

# How can I save donkeys when I look like a div?

# Freakazoid eyes Oh, no, this ain't fair

# I'm like a cartoon idiot up there

# Someone check if Ingrid's here

# I don't wanna be the laughing stock of Elmsmere

# Ha, ha-ha, ha!

# That's what they'll cry

# And I've literally could just die

# Then I'll be in the afterlife sitting around in Heaven

# Chillin' on a big loser cloud

# Surrounded by geeks and nerds singing hymns

# And Darnesh tripping over his angel wings

SINGS: # No! I've gotta save my face

# I've gotta save my face

# I've gotta save my...

-F-A-C-E!

-# I've gotta save face

RAPS: # OK, so I may have overreacted

# I'm not going to die from the embarrassment actually

# If Ingrid sees this along with her friends

# I may as well leave school cos that's social death

# Oh man, I've gotta do something

-# Darnesh any ideas?

-Something?

# Wait, how about we tear them down?

# Cos if Ingrid finds out

# I'm heading out of town to save face

SINGS: # I've gotta save my face

# I've gotta save my face

-# I've gotta save my...

-F-A-C-E.

# I've gotta save face

# I've gotta save my face

# I've gotta save my face

-# I've gotta save my...

-F-A-C-E

# I've gotta save face

F...

A...

C...E

# I've gotta save face. #

What do you mean nothing's broken? I felt something snap.

When you were undressing for the X-ray we found this.

Ah, my spirit level.

Well, that explains the abject lack of pain,

I thought it was the shock. Oh, well, no harm done.

Guys, where are you going?

Can you believe that?

Oi, what are you doing here?

I'm taking PE. Go on, play with the balls and that.

Oh, sorry, can't, I ain't got no kit.

Yeah, that's right.

Reckon you should give us a detention.

Yeah, Nunn usually gives us a detention and makes us do laps.

Eh, I ain't Mr Nunn. I'm nice.

Just do it in your uniform and we'll say no more.

Don't prove nothing.

Can we get a wiggle on? I'd quite like to

get back to school at some point.

Me too. And now music's over we're missing proper lessons.

-No offence, sir.

-This is messed up, I want more money.

If he's getting more money, I want a badger.

No-one is getting more money or a badger.

Ha, see, I told you I'd find it, it's that apartment right there.

The agent's obviously made liberal use of Photoshop.

Still, beggars can't be choosers.

Beggars make easy money compared to this.

Whack it. Oh, come on, you useless bunch of village greens.

Mrs Goodman, all right?

Just checking my spanners.

Such a brave face you show to the world, Graham.

You even had me fooled.

I should have remembered the scared little boy inside.

What are you talking about?

I shouldn't have asked you to put up my posters.

I should have known it would be too much for you.

What? I plastered the whole flippin' school in them.

I swear, this whole corridor was completely...

You are finding caretaking a bit of a challenge, aren't you?

Oh, come off it, I could do this one-legged wearing a blindfold.

Well, you're a trier, I'll give you that.

I...I could get some more printed up if you'd like another go?

Oi, Groundskeeper Wally, where are my posters?

What posters?

The posters you stole off the wall

to make me look like an idiot.

You already do a pretty good job of that yourself, sir.

Shut it, Murphy. You're going down, Rogers.

You forget, games are my specialist subject.

Not any more, mate, I'm the PE teacher now.

And while you're here, Mrs Mop, the showers need cleaning.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my tea's getting cold.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

The agent said that the key would be under the mat but...

Have you tried the ledge over the door?

Oh, yes, here we are.

Well, I'll have to have a word with that agent.

Oh, it's furnished.

Oh, well, lovely.

I'm sure I'll be very happy here.

I imagine.

Crispin, if you ever need to talk to anyone about...

-..you know...

-My moth situation?

Don't worry.

Everything's under control.

GLASS BREAKS

My lava lamp!

I can't go to school looking like this.

I'll have to use your washing machine and bathroom.

Yeah, no problem, no problem. Just as long as you give me some

money towards the electric and the hot water.

Good luck nicking these, Oddjob.

-That was close.

-Too close.

I can't believe everyone almost found out I was best

mates with a donkey-fancying, squid-eyed goober.

Thanks, Vi.

At least we got them all. Took 'em down.

Um, guys.

No way. SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Uh-oh. Look.

One, two, three.

Oh, please. Are you geeks having some lame-o pinboard party?

Yeah, that's right. Want to join in?

No, I'd actually rather kiss a dog's bum

cos it's less sad and I ain't even joking.

LOL!

Pin...board...party?

Genius, right?

MOBILE RINGS

-Lizzie?

-Is everything OK?

Oh, right. Traffic.

'But we're still on for tonight.'

I promise.

-Good.

-Although, 'we are running a teeny bit late, so'

could you pick up the ingredients for a curry?

-Dexter.

-Traffic's moving, that'd be great, gotta go!

They're all up. I could do this for a living

if I wasn't so clever and handsome.

Well, um...

-Where are they?

-Right there. I'm not being funny, love,

but do you need your eyes tested?

What?

No. They were...

They was... It was right... They were...

-I don't... Why?

-Oh, Graham.

RAPS: # Grr, I'm angry, I'm going in

# If this is a competition then I'm gonna win

# How can Isaac belittle my life

# As the best PE teacher far and wide?

# I'm a heartless guy when it comes to a race

# And I will wipe that silly grin right off of his face

# With a mop!

# And I will take on any challenge, Isaac

# Like when my mates bet I couldn't eat raw chillies and I did it

# Now look who had the last laugh then, ha-ha

# That's once I stopped crying kicking and screaming

# From the pain I was in Grr!

RAPS: # What can I say?

# This PE stuff's easy

# The kids do burpees while I sip a PG

# Tips to the Nunnster, mop with some heart, man, smile more

# Empty the bins in the dumpster

# You're looking flustered

# Walk one mile in my boots

# And you've already lost it You lost it

# He's got no chance He can't even coach

# He can't clean a floor

# He can't pin a poster

# Well, look here, you can't... #

Right, I've had it up to here with that brat, Isaac.

He pulled those posters down to make a fool of me.

# Oh, look here half-time scores read

# PE teachers versus caretakers

# And caretakers lead

# Well, not for long

# I've got a cunning plan

# Put a poster up and lie in wait for him to rip it down

# Then I'll pounce on Isaac like a lion on a lamb

# And prove to Mrs Goodman that I am the man. #

-BOTH:

-Game on!

FRONT DOOR OPENS

It's probably just the agent.

SHE SCREAMS THEY SCREAM

What's going...? THEY ALL SCREAM

The wrong flat?

This is 63 Maple Close, that is 63 Maple Grove.

See, I knew something wasn't right.

When you've been around for as long as I have,

you have an instinct for these types of things.

-You must know the feeling.

-I'm 27.

Yo, can we scoot? Clock's ticking.

The tenant, is she pressing charges?

-Any chance I could pop back and get my clothes?

-No.

Of course. Well, I'd better be going,

I've got a romantic dinner tonight.

Not that I'm trying to make you... I'm sure you've got loads of...

Bye, Dexter, it was nice to see you again.

Oh, and whoever she is, I hope she likes the dressing gown.

This has been a nightmare. Can we just go home?

Great idea.

Where's the van?

It's restricted parking.

-Call the clampers.

-What's the number?

It says here they close at four.

Oh, my days, I've got a gig to go to.

Right, calm down. My dad works round the corner, we'll give him a call.

See, everything's going to be hunky-dory.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Lizzie? Yeah, still stuck in traffic.

When you get to the flat, would you mind peeling some spuds?

I wonder how many millions we're going to

win on the lottery this week?

-Will you purleeze?

-What?

Saying good luck's all because of when you were born

is about as stupid as saying

bad luck's because of what football team you support.

Gotcha! SHE SCREAMS

What are you doing with my posters? He put you up to this, didn't he?

Get your mingin' mop out of my face.

-You weirdo!

-Yeah! Yeah!

Mr Nunn?!

What on earth are you doing to these poor, defenceless children?

Defenceless? Karate kid here almost had my eye out.

He tried to have us with his mop.

Only because Oddjob keeps on stealing my posters.

I set up a trap to prove that I'm not paranoid.

I'm not paranoid. I'm not. He is out to get me.

Oh, dear, Graham.

Let's put an end to this experiment after all, hmm?

But I can do it.

-Caretaking's easy.

-There's no judgment here.

So you threaten Nunn and he gets taken away?

But you still think horoscopes are totally bogus?

Hate to say it, but...

OK, I guess. I suppose I have to admit...

Oh.

That's it, I've had it with you lot today.

-Detention!

-See! See!

It's totally bogus.

Oh, that explains it.

I was looking at tomorrow's.

Cheers to not being squid-eyed.

And cheers to not being best friends with squid eye.

And here's to saying something like what you just said

but a bit different.

-Squid eyes!

-How come we ain't seen no posters?

They took them down. My beautiful face was too distracting.

Yeah, right. Well, if it was giving everyone nightmares

because you're all like, eek, eek, eek.

I mean, especially with those earlobes.

I mean, what is up with them? Well startling.

Jealousy is so pathetic.

I'm actually so not jealous it's unbelievable.

You should be because I look fit and fabulous in them posters.

THEY LAUGH

-Amber.

-Ssh! I'm killing it.

Behind you.

Yeah, right, VERY jealous.

Oh, guys, I think I'm going to get on the bus.

BOTH: Oh, no, you're not.

Oi, oi, Dad to the rescue.

Cheers.

What about us?

Oh, you thought that he'd give all of us a lift?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, no room. There's a bus stop down there, just, yeah.

And you can give us our share of the money at school tomorrow.

What about my gig?

HORN BEEPS

So we've no flat, no van, no belongings and no lift.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to sit over here

and do some deep breathing.

Sorry, Nero.

Like you care.

If it makes you feel any better, me and Lizzie aren't exactly going to

have a nice romantic dinner with you sitting there picking your nose.

No, it don't.

Dex, I spend my entire life hanging out with teachers.

All I wanted was one normal night.

Look, take this, get a taxi.

I reckon you can still make it to see DJ Rush.

Really? Wait, come on, what about you?

Well, I'll walk Mr Bell back to the flat,

you enjoy yourself, you deserve it.

RAPS: # I've got the money Dex gave me the peas

# That makes up for today's lameness indeed

# I was lugging boxes round town with Mr B

# Mr Bell's dirty briefs it seems has paid off

# Cos I'm going to hit the show, see DJ Rush

# In hindsight, today wasn't as bad as I thought

# In fact, it had its moments

# Like watching Bell's clothes

# Get thrown from his home and window was dope

# Saw Dex leaving in a woman's dressing gown

# He's worldly renown for being a right clown

# It always goes wrong for him

# Cos his day was worse than mine

# At least I've got a song to sing

# And an awesome gig to catch thankfully

# I thought that living with a teacher would be agony

# Actually Dexter helped me out happily

# To tell the truth, man, he feels like family

SINGS: # Sacrifices

# Doesn't seem fair.

# Sacrifices, so I can go there.

# He's more than a teacher he's family

# A teacher to them but he's fam to me

# Sacrifices, he's doing all he can for me

# He's family Look out for family

# Still looking at this money in my hand, man

# Can't believe everything's gone to plan, man

# Dexter really came through I guess he always has done

# Like cooking me dinner Doing my laundry and then some

# Yeah, he's really made sacrifices No matter what trouble I've caused

# He's been there from day one

# And I think it's about time I did the same for family

# At the end of the day. #

Dex! Dex!

Let's split the cash, yeah? We'll get a cab home.

But you'll miss DJ Rush. You know what?

I think I fancy a quiet night in with the fam,

so long as I'm not cramping your style.

No more than it's already cramped.

Thanks, Dex. For everything.

Or if you show a bit of leg, we might catch a lift home.

Hey, I'm back! Oh.

So much for a fancy dinner, eh?

Waste not, want not.

Is that Miss Baker?

Um, she came over to help me with some marking.

I'm really sorry I ruined your concert.

You've had a tough year, you deserve a night out,

getting jiggly with it to some sick beats.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I ruined your dinner,

but please don't ever say "getting jiggly" again.

Is living with a teacher really that bad?

Hmm, I think I'm getting used to it.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Cos I'm going to need somewhere to stay tonight.

Who's lending me their room?

-BOTH:

-He is.

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

-# Kick you when you're down

-But what no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss - 4 o'clock. #