Social Worker 4 O'Clock Club

# Where'd you go when you know # nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay, it can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But, one day down the line, this time it's sure to stop

# so the only time is now, four o'clock. #

CHANTING: Girls for Goals! Girls for Goals!

Oi, Bubblegum, what are you here for?

Impersonating a milkshake?

Detention, stop wittering.

I'm going to kill Dex.

How's it his fault?

He bought tonnes of discount washing powder.

Turns everything pink.

All right? Mrs Goodman said to give you this.

Think she wants you.

CHANTING FROM OUTSIDE: Girls for Goals! Girls for Goals!

Girls for Goals!

Oi, Sir!

You going to do anything about that?

I've told you before, Murphy, be quiet.

Sir, if Mrs Goodman wants you, you should go.

Fine.

Yep.

Something's properly got ding-dong's goat.

Oooh, he's left his tablet.

Oh my days.

He's online dating?

Girls for Goals! Girls for Goals! Girls for Goals!

Oh, please. You just want to ogle the boys.

Find a better excuse.

-Join the war?

-Thanks, I think I'll pass.

Football? Nah. Not for me.

Especially not for you, Baker.

This is a man's sport and you're punier than most females.

Yay, football!

Girls like kicking!

Come on you blues!

-Girls for Goals! Girls for Goals!

-Girls, girls!

What on earth is going on?

Nunn won't let girls on the football team.

ANGRY SHOUTING

Graham, love.

-Oh, here we go.

-This is a new era.

You don't have to stick to the repressive old rules.

Girls, I'm sure that if you were to turn up to practice tomorrow,

Mr Nunn would love to find you a role.

CROWD CHEERS

Go team!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Ah, Crispin, all under control, thanks.

Wow. Didn't think I'd be striking a blow for women's rights today.

Women's rights? Who cares about women's rights?

We totes just owned Nunn.

And you got yourselves on the footie team.

DOOR OPENS

What on earth?

You have invaded my private data.

And you've ruined it.

I have a big horse?

No-one wants to know about your allergies, sir.

That just ain't alluring.

Detention.

All of you.

For life.

Now, get out.

Oh, no, sir. TABLET PINGS

A message. Ooh, can we read it?

Get out. Out!

# Goodness, I have my first message

# Sent requests in the past

# Gave details of my likes and dislikes but, still, alas

# no-one bid or batted an eyelid for over a month

# Well, now I have a message, could it be love?

# I've been waiting a long time

# ever since the messy divorce of my ex-wife

# I know, I've tried, tried and tried again

# Grew a beard once, thought that would wind them in

# Women love beards, yes? Try again

# I didn't get a nibble, but this time's different

# I've got a message

# Finally # Whoo!

# I've got a message

# Finally

# Yeah!

# I've got a message

# Got a message

# I've got a message

# Whoo! # Yes,

# A woman wants to meet me

# And it's not my mother for afternoon tea

# It's a lady

# She's responded

# She seems nice, she seems honest

# Perhaps those three cupids are working their magic

# All right, Crispin, calm down, don't panic

# Wait! what should I write now?

# Everything is based on a lie

# And she may raise an eyebrow

# But, under close examination

# I am like a big horse the way my intellect gallops

# And hurdles a difficult challenge

# A mystical poet, the way I mark all the homework

# So I'm not telling fibs

# And I may not get another chance like this

# What's happening is real, she's interested

# Relax, breathe

# And send a message now. #

I would love to meet you.

You're doing the shopping, I'm getting a coffee.

I've got a voucher for a free frappaccino.

Whoa, that's some serious bank.

Here's the list. Here's the money.

Get everything. Handle that?

All over it.

There you go, ladies. Now, stay that side of the line.

I don't mind you enjoying yourselves,

but I don't want you on the pitch ruining it for the boys.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Enjoy ourselves? What type of idiots does he think we are?

Ah, Nero, how did you get on?

Pretty awesome, yeah?

Chocolate pudding, wow. More chocolate pudding.

But where's the actual shopping?

That can't be all you got?

Oh, come on.

What kind of yo-yo trusts a kid with the shopping

money for a whole week?

I wanted you to see how hard it was.

Yeah, well, surprise surprise, Dex, I messed it up.

Come on, now we're broke.

Why don't you ever answer some of this, huh?

Cos it's all junk.

Right, I'm going to the loo, you start on the washing up.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

The toilet's blocked. I assume that's got something to do with you?

You know what? I think it's more to do

with the cruddy washing powder that you bought.

You poured it all down the toilet.

Oops.

I give up. I'm going to bed.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Roses are red, violets are blue...

wear a red flower and I'll see you.

Tomorrow, at 6pm, at the above address.

Yours sincerely, Crispin Bell.

The man's an absolute nuggy. Totes stress-calation.

Yeah, how unreasonable of him to complain about you spending

all of his money then blocking his toilet.

Oh, Nero. Brilliant.

This is Shona, your new social worker.

Come to my office at noon, please.

This must be about Dexter. He's been messing up, right?

They must be checking up on him.

Well, nice knowing you.

Could you send me camel from Kuwait?

No, no, no. Not if I cover for him.

Make up some quality stuff.

Oh, lying? To a social worker?

You can't do that.

Well, he is a gourmet cook, of course, but in a healthy way.

Mm-hm.

And, er...

OK, it is only him and me right now,

but he's getting married, real soon, yep.

And then we'll be like a proper family.

And, like, he...sings to me.

When I can't sleep, stuff he's composed, actually.

Got one for tonight.

He's so great.

Well, that all seems...

..extraordinary.

Just the home visit now.

-Home visit?

-Yeah. Oh, which I see is tonight.

Now, have I got Mr Harris's number, or...?

No! I'll tell you what? I'll tell Dexter.

Oh, thank you.

Nunn's on the ball.

Takes on one defender, takes on two.

Keeps on going. Here we go.

Graham, sweetheart?

This question of the girls getting involved with football?

It's all sorted, love. They're out there now, shaking their pom-poms.

No, I mean cheerleading will do wonders for the kids' teamwork,

but we really can't have the girls doing separate activities.

What? So you mean I'm going to have to...?

Blur those gender boundaries. I know you've got it in you.

Go, Graham!

-I'll give her blurred genders. Oi, Garland. Over here.

-Yes.

Eli, you've got to keep Dex away from the flat.

He'll just blow it by showing how lame he is.

I'm on it like a car bonnet, right?

Owen, you've got to bring a quiche round tonight.

One of your special ones and... some nerdy games. Chess and stuff.

-What?

-I haven't got to do football ever again.

-Nice, man.

-No, no, no.

Nunn just made me captain of the cheer squad.

THEY LAUGH

-What? No that's awful.

-I know.

I haven't got any routines planned.

Sir? Oh, sir.

-COUGHING:

-I feel well shady. Could you take me home?

You don't look that bad to me. Get the bus.

It'll be just as quick.

Which way to the...? Oh...oh...

..to the-the bus?

Oh!

OK, let's get you to the hospital.

Hospital? What? No, home. Home's just fine.

We can't take any chances.

Right, I've come up with a starter routine, just to ease us in.

I'm not saying we're entering any competitions just yet.

Hmm. OK. Give me a G.

Give me an O.

Let me hear you say go!

Goooo, Elmsmere!

Oh, man....

# Give me a O # Give me a U

# Give me a C # Give me a H Ouch.

# Look at the mess we're in

# We're going to have to do

# dancing and waggling

# Pom-poms on the touchline

# Embarrassing. Cheerleading, why?

# It's so humiliating

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Give me a D # Give me an R

# Give me an A # Give me a T - Drat!

# We were having a normal day

# Minding our own business

# Couldn't just walk past, could we?

# And mind our own business

# We don't even like footie

# Should have known things were going very terribly

# Give me a R-A-T-S - rats!

# We look like idiots

# Tried to get out of it

# but Nunn pulled us back into it

# What's worse, we're going to be bossed about by Owen

# Complete no!

# Not cool

# Goodman told Nunn what to do

# Nunn told Owen what to do

# Owen thinks he knows it all

# We've got to tell Goodman this ain't right

# Can't just moan, I can't do it on my own #

# Girls unite!

# Let's show Goodman a clever routine

# Persuade her to support our team

-# I've got an idea

-# I love an idea

# A bright idea

# TOGETHER: Boom! #

What did you say about competitions?

What? No.

You look like you've never seen a man groom himself before.

-What do you want?

-You gave us detention.

Oh, please. Get out.

Detention is cancelled.

He's happy. It's working.

Yeah, it's freaking me out.

-SINGING:

-It makes a grown man cry...

Hello! Oh, it's you.

Chess, backgammon.

Quiche. OK.

Great. Right, erm, go and set up through there and tidy up.

Come on.

What?

Nunn shoots...

Nunn scores! Get in!

Whooooo! Go, Graham.

Boys. On the cheer squad?

-Yep.

-I think that's just amazing.

-Good.

-So, I've entered you squad into a competition.

Amber here gave me the details.

Oh, did she?

We should probably send him to some cheer squad training Mrs,

shouldn't we?

Oh, excellent idea. We might struggle to find the funding though.

How about we take it from the football team?

Whoa, whoa, hang on, right, I can't...

Maybe I've taken on too much.

Ohhh. Do you think so?

Yeah. I might just put the girls on the football team,

build up to the cheerleading.

Yeah!

Oh, that is disappointing.

But, you know, if you're sure?

Thanks, Graham.

Not so fast, you two.

You're on my team now, and I think you need

some extra training sessions, get you up to scratch.

20 laps of the field dribbling.

And if you cry you do 20 more.

Hi, hello. Dexter's just held up at...the church.

The vicar needed help with his candles.

But he did say that we can carry on though.

-Can I give you a tour?

-Oh, yes, please.

So, this is the living room. We like to keep it tidy.

Oh, and this is my friend Owen. He's a Scout.

-Very well behaved.

-Yeah, hi.

I would offer you a cup of tea,

only there doesn't appear to be any milk.

Just chocolate pudding.

Owen's just leaving.

Er, no, I can hang on for a bit.

Mate, big favour.

Could you go to the shop and get us some milk?

Erm, but...

Great. Good. Thank you. See you, bye.

PHONE VIBRATES

Ah, that's Dexter now. Best take this.

Hey, Dex. Yeah, I found your home-made quiche.

Looks well delicious and healthy.

I just called to say you've got an hour before I leg it.

I ain't having no life-saving hip operations for you Nero Johnson.

Can I have a word?

He's just busy right now.

Go on, just a quick hello?

Hey, Dexter.

-Dexter?

-I'm just going to pass you over to Shona, the social worker,

she just wants to say a quick hello to you. Dexter.

Thank you.

-Hello?

-Hello.

-'Is that Mr Harris?'

-Yes, this is Mr...Dexter Harris.

-'How are you?'

-I'm very well, thank you.

-'And the vicar?'

-Yes, the vicar's well too.

-'When you back?'

-When will I be home?

Oh, quite soon, your honour.

Bye.

That's the cooker, fridge and quiche.

Who's here?

Oh, that's my auntie Liz, Josh, Nathan and my mum.

Oh.

No pictures of Mr Harris's fiance?

No, they are keeping it a bit quiet at the moment,

at the same school and that.

Anyway, as you can see, everything's all perfect.

You'll probably want to be getting off?

Wait a minute, what about 4 O'Clock Club?

Well, it was cancelled. I've got better things to do.

This is Mr Bell, he, um...

Ah! The red flower. Very novel.

I am enchanted to meet you.

I mean, even though you're early.

I...I'm...

I wasn't expecting a clipboard.

Oh, I like to take notes.

Oh, really?

-Would you like to come through?

-Well...

So, you and Dexter both teach at Elmsmere?

MUSIC: Careless Whisper by George Michael

Hmmm? Oh, Harris? Yes.

Have you lived here long?

Oh, good grief, no.

Must be nice for you, Nero.

Erm, Martini?

No, no. It's a bit early for me.

Of course.

Sorry, I'm just a bit nervous.

I've never done this before.

Have you done this before?

Yeah, yeah, a few hundred times.

Oh. I suppose I should have expected that.

I must go freshen up after all that, um...

..well, horse riding.

Uh, Johnson. A word.

Look.

-Here's a tenner. Now push off.

-What?

I don't want you ruining things with my date.

Your date?

Yes, Mr Bell's got a date. Is that really so surprising?

No, of course not. Your date. Absolutely.

Yeah, exactly.

So, go on. Scram.

OK.

So, all done?

The toilet's busted, so I wouldn't stay too much longer.

He's, erm...quirky.

How long have him and Dexter been a couple?

What?! No. Mr Bell just lives with us.

On the couch.

Nero,

don't be so worried.

In this day and age, everyone's very accepting of same-sex relationships.

Er...

Right, yeah.

NERO?!

Excuse me.

What is going on?

The social have come to check on you, they've heard

-about how you've been messing up.

-Oh. Oh, no!

Yeah, and they were about to send me away, but don't worry, I pretty much sorted it.

-But...

-All you need to know is you're really tidy,

you're engaged to Mr Bell, and you sound like Eli being a man.

-Now, come on. Let's go.

-Oh...

# Nero and I just face off

# Am I supposed to go along with this charade of secret and lies?

# Responsible thing to do

# Tell the social worker the truth

# Lies cause trouble

# Like the time I accidently

# Took the keys to the school gates home

# The next morning, we all had to climb over to get in

# My fault, little did they know

# I can't go through that again, need to be honest

# Since honesty is the best policy

# But what if they send Nero away?

# For lying or, worse still, blame me for his dishonesty

# I'd hate for him to have to leave all his friends, yet again

# And feel like I've failed as a parent

# Being a good one, that's a great achievement

# So do I have to keep the real truth secret?

# For the sake of me and Nero's relationship

# Do I lie my face off and make it stick?

# Or, do I tell the truth, act like a grown-up?

# A proper adult would go in there and own up. #

Come on.

Och, hello. It's right nice to meet ye.

And, how do you know Nero?

The 4 O'Clock Club.

What is that?

-After school detention...

-Cheer Club.

Cheer Club?

Yeah, where all the well behaved kids hang out.

Yeah, not detention.

He could show us a routine.

I guess I could.

OK.

Give us a...

Och, ye canny practice your cheers in here man. And...

Erm...

Mr Harris,

why is the toilet blocked?

Dexter?

You don't have anything to say for yourself?

Dexter?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Perhaps we should...

Shall we leave for the restaurant?

Wait, er...

I feel these meetings are best handled in the home environment.

Oh. Well, erm...

I'm sure...

I can rustle up some dinner in there.

There's no need.

My dear girl, please.

I don't want dinner. Maybe I should have a word with, erm..?

Hey, Dex!

Wow, it's time for...

a song.

Yeah, um... I told Shona about your songs.

You know, the ones you write to send me to sleep?

Oh, those.

Ye wee little scamp, ye.

Nero, child, it's time to snooze.

The...

Cows.

Cows!

..cows have finished all their moos.

And soon they will be beef in stews.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Lizzie.

-You were right.

I should help you with your toilet.

I'm your girlfriend, and it's not your fault you're useless.

I'm braced for underpants.

I know, but now might not be the best time.

Mr Harris?

Bye, then. I'll let you know about the toilet.

-Plumber.

-Mr Harris,

I think re-establishing a working toilet should be

quite a high priority for you.

Here's the problem.

What is going on?

I'll explain everything in a minute.

You're probably wondering why Dexter said all of that

-in a different accent, right?

-Yeah.

Well...

Dexter?

Ah, yes.

I'm doing a sponsored accent-athon, and I just forgot.

You know, I did wonder earlier if you were putting on a silly accent.

Och, I'd better explain things to my...

..the plumber.

So, you're pretending to be Scottish for charity,

I'm a plumber,

Mr Bell's your fiance, and Nero's a cheerleader?

Exactly. Ready?

Well...

the problem with your U-bend is...

that it needs a...sprocket.

Oooh, does it now?

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, yep. That will be the plumber.

Well, open it then.

Got the milk.

Oh, and good news - plumber's here.

Er, but...

I'm the plumber.

Already got one, thanks.

Don't be absurd, you're a chemistry teacher. And, Harris,

why are you putting on this ridiculous accent?

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, dessert.

You know why...

darling.

You ain't buying any of this, are you?

Look, Shona, I can totally explain everything that's been happening.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

I'm speaking in a Scottish accent because I'm Scottish. From Scotland.

DOORBELL RINGS

That will be the plumber again.

GO AWAY!

Look,

I haven't got a clue what's going on here

but something clearly is.

Shall we all sit down?

Yes, I've made some mistakes,

but Nero shouldn't have to pay for...

They're good together.

I feel like sending Nero to Kuwait is entirely counterproductive.

-Even though I would like a camel.

-Can everyone shut up?

Look, I lied, OK?

I don't have a grade-A home life.

You know, Dexter ain't perfect but, he's OK

and he really does try, and I'm happy with that.

Really?

Yeah.

So please, can't I stay?

Will you all sit down?

This is whack.

Look, we know no-one has the perfect childhood.

OK is totally fine.

It is?

You're a good team, and you evidently love each other.

No-one does all this for someone they don't care about.

We'll not be removing Nero from your care, Mr Harris.

Oh!

Yes!

So, this wasn't to do with me?

No, just a routine visit. Didn't you get the letter?

Erm...no.

Can't think why not.

Oh. Well, bye everyone.

What about dinner?

It was lovely to meet you. I'll be back in six months.

Oh well.

I suppose she's right.

Best to take things slow.

Rawr.

So, I, uh...

I guess I really saved your sorry bacon there Dex.

No need to thank me.

Oh, no, Nero, I'll thank you all right.

Right after you unblock the toilet.

-# Can't live with them

-And you can't kick them out

# When you're up, they rub it in your face

-# Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-# Always going to be around

-#

-Got to find a common ground

-# If you know so much about me

-#

-Where do I go from here?

-# If you see them every day

-# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss

# Four o'clock. #