Babysitting 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

What's all that?

Goodman hasn't told us what we're doing today

so I've prepared a few advance thoughts just in case.

"A Mandate To Re-educate - Teaching The Unteachable"?

What are you taking?

A sandwich.

And I am out of here! Have fun at school...

losers.

-Erm, you're not going anywhere.

-I'm meeting my mates.

School's shut and you've got training day, remember?

And you've got a ton of homework, remember?

Oh, come on, Dexter!

Why don't you just chain me to the radiator and be done with it?

DOORBELL RINGS

I will if it means you do your homework!

Problem - there's no-one at home to keep an eye on my sister.

I told you, I'll just go round to my friend's.

-You are not wandering the streets.

-Leave it with me.

Babysit? What is this, ruin Nero's life day?

Mate, help us out here.

40 quid.

15.

40!

20.

40.

Done.

Amber, behave for Nero, please.

-Do what he says.

-Why?

Because I've got age and maturity on my side, Amber.

See you later. Do your homework and don't set fire to anything.

Got it.

OK.

Er, you're supposed to be looking after me.

And I'm still going to, just not here. Go on.

Go on, go.

Yeah.

The cinema, ten minutes, yeah.

We've got a teenager for the day. Reckons he's in charge.

-Sorry I'm late, just buying these.

-Eggs?

Why can't you eat popcorn like normal people?

No, they're my mother's eggs.

No, no, she's not a chicken, they're from the farmers' market.

It's only on till ten and they're biodynamic, so...

Anyone want to bet they're all smashed by the end of the day?

No, he'll have one left at least. He's not a complete idiot.

And we won't let anything happen to those poor eggs.

No, I'm with Clem.

I mean, look at him.

Hello, I am standing right here!

All right, rules say we're not allowed to touch the eggs.

If he has any left by the end of the day,

Eli and Eleesha win.

-If not...

-Me and Clem win.

Nothing is going to happen to them!

Nothing.

Back a bit.

Left hand down.

Little bit more.

Ah, too far.

I know how to drive a car, Dexter.

You seem to be struggling.

That's because you keep distracting me.

HORN HONKS

No, I was only trying to help.

I have an honours degree in science education,

I think I know how to park a car.

You know, if you parked over there...

Give up, Dexter! You don't always have to be right.

"I'm Mr Harris, I can't stand to lose."

That is not true.

See? You can't even stand to lose this argument!

But... I... Lizzie!

Lizzie, listen, can I...?

-What's all this?

-I don't know. I was expecting the usual guff -

don't throw balls at the kids, don't shove the slow ones,

treat them all the same, even the idiots.

Good morning, everybody.

How are we all today?

Ready for the most vigorous of assessments,

but may I just share with you

my most recent thoughts on modern education?

That is marvellous, Crispin.

But just for today,

let's park all those nasty formal thoughts about the day job, hm?

And I'm not going to be assessing anybody.

It's all about working together as a team

and having fun.

-It's all fun until it's staff downsizing.

-Really?

-Yes.

She just wants us off-guard and then she will pounce.

You really think she won't notice who wins?

Unbelievable. Hasn't even made the most natural leader captain.

You've got that spot on, Crispin.

-Short-sighted, that's what it is, Graham.

-Yeah.

She had Churchill in a tracksuit over here and she threw it away.

You? I was talking about me.

You couldn't lead a monkey to a banana raffle.

Oi, where is everyone? Have you all, like, eaten the kids?

I saw a film where that happened

and the teacher didn't even cook them, which was, like, well gross.

Erm, it's a staff training day, Ingrid.

So I put this boggo uniform on for, like, nothing?

GRAHAM CACKLES

Shame. But why don't you bog off home?

I can't. No-one is in and they don't trust me with a key neither.

Oh...

-Finally!

-Sorry, I got lumbered looking after the younger.

-All right?

-Hey, don't talk to them.

-Hi, Amber!

-All right?

What? More rug rats.

Hey, if you're hanging with your mates, I'm hanging with mine.

OK, whatever. I'm going in.

Hip-Hop Cannibal Face-Eaters is a 15.

They can't come in with us.

Well, they can wait out here.

Guys, I'm not missing this one.

You can't leave them alone, Nero. They're little.

Plus, bad things happen when I'm unsupervised.

An otter bit me once.

I'd hate to be you when Dexter and Lizzie find out

that you've left us in the middle of town unprotected, helpless.

# This little munchkin face has

# Got me cornered in an awkward place and

# If she plays me out to Dex

# Tells him I've been chillin' with mates

# And sneakin' out to places

# I will get grounded for ages

# It's one big game, two major players

# Nero and Amber and right now

# If it was a unanimous decision

# She'd be winnin' like a champ does

# And you may not think it's true

# When you do the things we do

# When someone's winning

# Someone's having power over you

# Over you

# I've had enough of people tellin' me what to do

# Teachers, parents, Lizzie and now you

# No chance, Nero, grown-ups thinkin' they're right

# Because they've got longer legs and hairy ear-holes

# I'm not havin' it just cos he's older

# It's time for small kids to show up the grown-ups

# If I do my best and if the team wins it

# Lizzie will think I only care about winning

# But I wanna be the best boyfriend

# Maybe I'm messing up and Lizzie has a point then

# I could just not try, be unfocused

# But then I'd let my team down in the process

# I've got to be clever

# If I lose the game I win with Liz

# Will that make everything better?

# When someone's winning, someone's having power over you

# She's trying to knock all the ladders

# While I'm sliding down like a slithering snake

# Can't let that happen

# If this was chess, there'd be checkmate action

# I'm trying to tip the scales to my satisfaction

# Usually the other way round - adults tellin' me things

# But now it's little kids pullin' the strings, rollin' the dice

# Can't have that in my life

# I'll play her game for now and let her watch the silly flick

# Hang out with my boys after - it's not a thing

# Yeah, I'll play her game but I won't let her win

# Nah, I said I won't let her win

# Yeah, I'll play the game but I won't let her win. #

Fine.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is a little thing we like to call checkmate.

I'm sure they won't cramp your style too much.

The only thing we can watch is...

Oh, Snuffles The Bunny!

No, no, I'm not watching that.

No?

How about we run all this by Lizzie and Mr Harris?

Shall we?

OK, everybody, I'd like you all to close your eyes...

..and imagine that you're workers in a chemical factory.

Oh, strewth!

So your task is to fill the large containers behind you.

But you can't use your hands

because you are dealing with highly toxic chemicals,

so you have to use the proper equipment.

And when you have filled your containers,

take them to the back of the hall.

What kind of chemicals are we talking about?

It doesn't really matter, Lizzie, it's all hypothetical.

It does matter!

Adding an acid to another acid is a radically different

-hypothetical situation.

-Oh, wind your neck in, love,

we want to win the game, not write a thesis!

I think you'll find that our team will win.

-Right, Mr Harris?

-I don't really care who wins.

Winning is for losers.

Goodman is having a laugh.

This equipment well ain't the proper stuff.

I have done a course.

So, you ready, everybody?

And...

Maybe Mr Bell's right. Maybe Goodman is testing us.

What if this is really about health and safety awareness?

Would we really do unsafe things just because we're told to?

Oh! No!

Put me down!

I am your captain, you will put me down!

Don't use your hands, she said,

she said nothing about anything else!

Now, grab the container with your knees and clench.

This is highly inappropriate.

Ah!

Maybe not taking part is the real way to win.

Of course.

How sly!

You want to lose a few, love.

-You'll do, come on.

-Are you having a giraffe?

Getting swung around ain't educational,

plus, I get well air sick.

-Look...

-Mr Nunn, I don't...

Yeah, yeah, don't pick up the kids, I know.

Fine. What are you lot up to?

I think you'll find there's more than one way to skin a cat.

You ain't skinning no cats neither - that's, like, well rank.

HE SIGHS

-You can't bring your own food in here.

-But they're raw eggs.

Put them down on the counter.

What happened to customer rights?

Counter, now...

Eggman.

THEY SNICKER

SHE BLOWS THE WHISTLE

Woohoo!

So, who won?

Did we win?

I really think you're concentrating on the wrong thing here, Crispin.

Yes. It's not all about winning!

Next time, we do things my way.

What I don't get is why a rabbit would enter

a cage-fighting competition.

If you hadn't been asleep,

you'd know that he was trying to save the old people's home.

I was not asleep!

You were dribbling.

I always do that.

Oh, nice, my lot are out. OK, time to go.

Er, wait.

I haven't finished my chips.

Come on, seriously?

I'm savouring it.

OK, you can savour them on the way.

Er, don't touch my chips.

Come on, Amber, let go!

Argh!

-I'm sorry, man.

-Uh-oh. Bad news.

I know, I would have ate them.

-Two of these are broken.

-Soz, mate.

I think somebody dropped a box of hot dogs on them.

Oh, and were any of these hot dogs five foot eight

with a vacant expression and a silly uniform?

Oh, Owen!

Two down, four to go.

So, crazy golf, then?

That's after the park now, apparently.

They got a new death slide.

Death slide before crazy golf, everyone knows that.

Aren't you a bit old for a death slide?

It's meant to be epic.

We are so doing that.

But we're getting a burger first. I've got a voucher.

No, we just got banned from the burger bar!

He threw chips over someone. It wasn't dignified.

He'll meet you at the park.

Hey, you need to stop talking for me, you annoying little...

Mr Harris won't like you calling me names.

How about I give him a text?

We'll meet you at the park.

See you. Have fun with your new mates.

Death slide here we come.

Yeah, great, because there's no better way to follow up

a lousy bunny movie than with someone breaking an arm.

Death slide might have been overselling it a tad.

I reckon it's a nasty bruise slide.

Minor graze slide, tops.

It's rubbish.

Let's just meet the others back at the cinema, yeah?

Nope. We're staying.

-Come on, Amber.

-Like I'm going to let you boss me about

when you don't even do as you're told.

Fine. Do what you want.

Brilliant.

You won. Well done.

Now we get to go on the nasty bruise slide.

Can we play a game, Mr Johnson? It's called sticky chaser.

Me and my dad play it.

He throws the stick, I chase it. It's wicked.

I can't see anything.

Yes, that's the point.

Listen to our voices, we'll guide you down the course.

OK, is everybody ready?

The quickest one to the end...

..wins. And...

SHE BLOWS THE WHISTLE

-Left!

-Right!

No, left!

Our left or his left?

His, of course. Your left!

So our right?

Right!

Walk!

What are you doing? Are you deliberately trying to make us lose?

Left! You got that, right?

No, no, ignore him! Ignore Mr Harris!

I don't know where I'm going!

-And come back!

-Which way? Left?

What do you think you're doing?!

It's only a game. It's the taking part that counts.

Where am I?

Mr Harris, can I have a moment?

Just forget it.

You're in a different lane now.

-Are you losing on purpose?

-No!

I've been trying very hard,

but I'm very happy at being number two to my girlfriend.

How utterly patronising!

-It's not like that.

-It's exactly like that.

Now, you get in there and you actually try or we're through.

MRS GOODMAN: I'll see you back here in about half an hour, how's that?

We have to win this challenge.

That's what I've been saying since the start.

Good, well, I'm agreeing with you.

I can't believe I've only got three eggs left.

-I can't believe you sat on them.

-By accident!

Do you think I wanted an eggy bottom?

My aunt Laura had that once, she had to go to the doctor.

Said she came just in time.

Three more to go and then we'll be the champions.

Can't wait to see what happens at crazy golf.

No, eggs and golf balls do not mix. I'm going home.

Oh, luckily, you could take a short-cut through the park, Owen.

I don't know. I reckon you should go the long way round.

You know, to be safe.

# Have to get home before anything happens to my precious eggs

# Their life's in the balance

# It doesn't really matter that they're never gonna hatch

# I'll still be a parent to a good batch

# The quickest route is through the park

# But do I trust myself to get that far?

# In this big bad world many problems can arise in a public place

# And I'm terrified

# Full of hazards - footballs, Frisbees

# Chihuahuas off their leash looking grizzly

# Simply a nightmare for my poor eggs

# So if I protect them from all this am I a chicken?

# Well, yes, it's a hen's job to protect the eggs

# The question is - do I move fast or play safe?

# We're in as much danger as an egg race

# Owen, we only care for your safety

# And your free-range hard shell babies

# Take the long way round, much safer

# We don't want to see your eggs in danger

# Of getting broken, no chance

# Run the speed of Usain Bolt Fast as a go-kart

# What's the worst that can happen?

# You get home quicker and be home in time for dinner

# Am I a chicken or

# Am I a chicken?

# It depends what kind of chicken it is

-# Am I a chicken or

-Is he a chicken?

-# Am I a chicken?

-Is he a chicken?

# It depends what kind of chicken it is

-# Am I a chicken or

-Is he a chicken?

# Am I a chicken?

# It depends So much pressure I'm going red

# Feel like I might crack like my poor eggs! #

Again, and make it a big one.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Mate, we'll be there in five.

-Look, we've got a situation.

-Situation?

What do you mean, situation?

He totally deserved it, though, didn't he?

Oh, yeah. You played to the player.

We've all just had the best day ever.

I particularly loved the part where we got banned from the cinema.

I probably went a bit too far, didn't I?

Mr Johnson.

Mr Johnson!

What have you done now?

HE GROANS

OK, everybody, final challenge.

One that will test all your engineering, dexterity

and craft skills.

Paper planes.

Please tell me one of you is good at paper planes.

Do I look as if I spend my time making paper aeroplanes?

Ask him, he's the one who never did any work in any lessons.

Don't look at me, I've got skin like a baby.

-I'm well prone to paper cuts.

-Ta-da!

Oh, my days.

I can totally see why you were hanging out with these guys today.

That is too funny.

We should all grab him with a long rope and pull.

What if his head pops off?

Call the fire brigade!

Owen, mate, come...

Please come here, I need someone with a brain.

No, thank you. I know exactly what's going to happen here.

I'll come over there, you'll pull him free, the lack of resistance

will lead to you flying backwards, colliding with me and egg death.

No, thanks.

If he breathes in, we could push him through the other side.

-Uh!

-Yeah, because he's this big(!)

-We could chop his ears off.

-Are you mad?

You'd only need to chop one off...

No-one is chopping anybody's ears off.

Oh, I got a load of mayonnaise at the cinema.

We could smear him up and just...

Mayonnaise blocks my ears up.

How did you get out?

Same way I got in - the gap widens at the top.

See, Owen? Worried about nothing.

CRACK! OWEN: No!

They're all broken.

We win!

Poor Eggbert.

- Oh, hang on, this one's fine! - Losers!

Do you reckon?

-There's one egg left, so there.

-OWEN: Brilliant!

-Yeah, for now.

Right, we should go find our other little munchkins

and go golfing.

-Let me do it. You don't know the first thing about aerodynamics.

-No!

Paper planes are my thing.

I am your captain and you've been ignoring me all day.

Yeah, because what you were suggesting was a load of old guff.

You think you're right all the time and you ain't.

I do not think I'm right all the time. Do I?

Yes, you do.

Oh...

That's better, well done.

Now, belt up and watch me fold.

Finished!

That's...

..very good, Ingrid.

Used to make them to lob at my dog, ROFL!

Where are they?

There's no blood on the ground, so if they've went to the hospital

it'll be for broken bones or internal injuries.

Oh, why can she not just do what she's told?

You're alive.

Er, yeah.

You cannot just go off like that! You're kids!

There's rules for a reason. Amber...

Shouting match? Wait until I tell Mr Harris.

I could care less if you tell Dexter. We're going home right now.

We got you an ice cream.

I mean it. Move.

Blimey, the drama!

Well, I'd better get my egg home for dinner.

What do you mean, dinner?

My mother's making hollandaise.

I can't let that happen.

Eli...

Freedom!

Ah, well, never mind. I'll get some more on the way home.

You monster.

You'll never take the egg!

What is that?

I warned you about deliberately trying to lose.

I'm not! I really tried.

I find that very hard to believe.

Everybody ready?

And...

launch!

Ah, you blinded me, you half-wit!

-Argh...

-Oi, I made that,

you big ginger elephant!

Harris, you did that on purpose!

Of course I didn't! I was really trying to win. I was.

Guys, guys...

It's really not about trying to win.

Listen, everybody, it's been a fantastic day.

I hope you've all had a lot of fun.

SHE CLAPS

Dexter, wait.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't trying to patronise you, and I don't always have to be right.

-I don't think.

-I know.

I think it's me who always has to be right.

But I'm a very good scientist.

That just doesn't make me great at paper planes...

or parking...

or relationships.

Friends again?

Friends. Come on.

-You all right, Graham?

-Yeah.

So, how did I do?

With regard to what, Crispin?

Well, what was really going on?

I need to know how I did.

You did great.

Really great.

You passed every test.

But, erm...

(Keep it to yourself.)

Yes.

Goodnight, Crispin.

Yes!

Hey.

Everything OK?

Well, let me tell you...

Great, yeah. Tell them.

What happened?

Today was lame.

We sat here on the sofa all day.

He did his homework, I got bored stupid.

Right, Nero?

Yeah, yeah, um...

Right, all day.

AMBER SIGHS

He did a really good job of looking after me.

Really? Good.

Why didn't you just drop me in it?

Maybe I messed you about a bit too much.

Well, maybe I was a little bit bossy.

OK, then.

Yeah, OK.

OK, um...

Listen, Dexter and I were thinking about going out tonight,

only we don't have a baby-sitter.

And, as you got on so well,

we thought you might want to stay in and watch a film together.

-Nuh-uh.

-Absolutely no way on this earth.

Never going to happen.

Nope.

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

# But what no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about

# Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #