Cardigan 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

Clothes for charity. Donate here.

Lollies for clothes, oyez, oyez.

Is that really necessary? Where'd you get it anyway?

It's my gran's. She rings it every time she needs the bedpan.

You two rag and boneheads every heard of dignity?

Will you still be laughing when we get our fundraising activity badge?

-Yeah.

-All right?

Jeggings.

You do know we're collecting for the same cause?

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

You're disgusting.

Sweeties for sweaters.

Lovely lollies for your under-trolleys.

Stop this infernal riot, Grant.

You, detention.

-In fact, detention for all of you?

-What?

-Nah, but, sir...

-Oh, shut up, Johnson.

Mark my words...

when I am officially deputy head...

I'm going to be making a few changes around here.

Surprise.

No. Is it?

I saw you looking at it online. It's that design you like, right?

Dexter, thank you.

I've been wanting it for ages, but their stuff is so expensive.

It's custom. One of a kind.

I bet.

It is the right one, isn't it?

-Yes. Absolutely. Definitely.

-Good. See you later.

Thanks again.

Very sweet of you.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Is it supposed to look like that?

Or did you spill chemicals all over it?

You're not actually going to wear it, are you?

Only it's making me feel a bit sick.

My nan's got a cardigan like this. Her Chihuahua uses it as a bed.

It was a gift.

I was going to hang it up here.

I know what a goalpost looks like, boy, I'm not an idiot.

This is a jumper. Now put it on!

He's officially lost it.

If he's like that now,

what's he going to be like when he's deputy head?

Bell cannot get that job.

Reckon you could get the geek to go for it?

You need to boost his confidence, massage his ego,

convince Mr Harris he's the right man for the job.

You mean get inside his head, puff the man up a bit?

Yeah, exactly. Textbook psychology.

Yeah, right.

Seriously, Dex, you'd be an awesome deputy.

You're already the best music teacher in the school.

I'm the only music teacher.

When they've got one as good as you, they don't need no others.

You could really turn Elmsmere around.

Why do you care so much?

Sometimes you've just got to take a leap of faith.

I believe in you.

# Deputy head, eh?

# It's got a nice ring to it

# I could bring a bit of musical influence

# End all cruelty, bring more unity

# Instead of detention, kids learn to play keys fluently

# That'll get 'em on my side

# They can't say that's unfair

# If I play my cards right

# I might get an armchair

# One that spins around with a cat in my arms, yeah

# I could be the big boss I'd be an awesome one, yeah

# I need apply

# If Bell gets in charge, I can't even lie

# That's the end of any kind of fun in school

# If Dex gets it, it'll be wonderful

# Cos Bell's just a monster

# And under all the shirts, blazers and ties

# He's a dark under lord that breathes out thunderballs

# Every single kid trying to run from school

# He'll take away lunch, no nourishment

# And bring back corporal punishment

# I just want a lame old teacher

# I don't wanna I don't wanna strict one either

# Have a food fight and there ain't no clean up

# Dex is tame We could do what we want

# Shorten the school day Cancel the homework

# Kids at the white board teaching the grown-ups

-ALL:

-# They don't know that I'm in charge

# Little do they know that I'm in charge

# I'll soon show that I'm in charge I'm in charge, I'm in charge

# No, they don't know that I'm in charge

# Little do they know that I'm in charge

# I'll soon show that I'm in charge I'm in charge, I'm in charge

# If I get this position

# It would mean better living

# Change my life for the better

# Like start a family with Lizzie

# That is what I envision

# To afford a big kitchen

# Have a family meal

# I would be a good parent

# That takes making decisions of course

# Yes, I've got to take a chance

# Confidence can take you far

# Be responsible

# Man up and take charge

# Man up and take charge

# Man up and take

# Man up and take charge. #

All right, I'll do it. I'll apply for the deputy head job.

Oh!

OK, look, I'm happy because you're going to be mint, innit?

Go on.

-Two lollies, please.

-Yeah.

Make that...

COUGHING

..four.

Sure.

Thank you.

-Are you going to share them?

-Nah, I might need 'em.

OK, I'll get my own, then.

-Good.

-Good.

This floor is well sticky.

Lizzie? Have you got any old lab coats you don't want?

Liz?

Eh...

Get your lollies.

Here you go.

That is rank.

It's like a knitted migraine.

Who'll give me five for it?

It's not a competition, Eli.

Except it is, but you won't admit it's one

because you can't handle a proper one.

Ooh-kay! See you later, then.

Right, here's the deal.

We take everything we collected today down to the charity shop

and tomorrow we start from scratch. Whoever collects the most

by the end of the day is the winner. Happy?

Bring it on.

Are you sure you don't want any?

MICROWAVE DINGS

Johnson, could you ask that man to pass me the salt, please?

-Dexter...

-Crispin, this is silly.

Johnson, could you tell him that I am going to eat this in the lounge

so that I don't have to look at his back-stabbing, traitorous face.

Get that?

Maybe I shouldn't have applied for the job.

Listen...you're the best candidate and you know it.

Tell them all your skills and hobbies.

They want to know that you're a well-rounded person.

Everything is relevant.

Stamp collecting.

It shows that you're organised and focused and good with...

Boring, repetitive. Let's forget about stamp collecting.

Mrs Goodman also wants ten ideas to improve Elmsmere.

OK. OK. Off you go, then. First things that come to mind.

Em...

-Paint the main gates a different colour.

-No.

-New blinds in the staffroom?

-No.

Nicer...doors?

-Ugh, this isn't working.

-It's cos you're thinking small.

You just need to think bigger, come up with mad ideas

and, you know, fire up your brain.

OK. How about replace history with live historical re-enactments.

-Yes.

-Bulldoze the playground.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Turn it into a battlefield.

-That's excellent.

-And bring in tanks.

HE IMITATES EXPLOSIONS That's it! That's it.

You need to come up with the most insane, craziest, maddest ideas

and then write them all down,

throw them away and work backwards from there.

You know, if I get this job, we should go out and celebrate.

-That'd be nice.

-You could even wear your new cardie.

Fingers crossed.

Dexter's ideas for improving Elmsmere?

OK.

-Ready to go?

-Yeah.

BELL RINGS

My mother's travel scales - pinpoint accurate.

She's never paid for excess baggage in her life.

And I...have got my secret weapon.

More lollies?

Bigger lollies.

Booyah.

Hey, Owen, if I've got the heaviest bag at the weigh-in,

do you think they'll make me patrol leader?

# This is charity - all for one, and one for all

# Everybody's in for the same cause

# To help others

# It's not about ourselves

# But Eli's made it a competition now

# Can't he see it's not all about winning?

# I'm going to beat him so he learns the lesson

# I'd only be doing it to save the world from Eli

# When he shows off to get with the girls

# And how dare he say he's above me in the Scouts' rank?

# I am the Super Scout, times a thousand

# And I'll stop him from winning, won't fumble

# There's no rules in the law of the jungle

# Yeah

# This is the law of the jungle

-BOTH:

-# Scavengers, predators

# There's no rules in this habitat, ever

# It's harsh because

# This is the law of the jungle

# There's winners and losers

# There'll only be one winner - guess who it is

# This isn't about winning, it's about honour

# Owen underestimates my Scout valour

# And the rest of the troops do, too

# But wait till I show them what I can do

# I'm a winner

# Yep, I win all day

# I win when I'm asleep, I win when I'm awake

# I'll get the most clothes at the end of the day

# And everyone will cheer when I do my parade

# Because

# This is the law of the jungle

# Scavengers, predators

# There's no rules in this habitat, ever

# It's harsh because

# This is the law of the jungle

# There's winners and losers

# There's only one winner - guess who?

# It's me! #

Bet you can't guess what I'm thinking.

No idea.

Thankfully.

Oi.

You know that came out of a bin?

Get over yourself, Bake-Off.

I got this from a posh vintage shop -

it cost ACTUAL money. And don't pretend you're not jeal -

I can see it in your stupid gnome face.

Lies!

I gave it to them boys, and you got it from the charity shop.

Oh, my actual days!

Like I'd go to the charity shop

and spend, like, £5.99 on a dead person's cardigan.

For my life - I ain't you!

SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS

Anyway, what I was thinking was...

Er...

No, it's gone!

Thanks for sharing.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oi, Isaac! You got any old overalls?

You'll have to be quicker than that!

ELI GROWLS

We usually keep these for idiots who've forgotten their kit.

You do know that I'm one of those idiots, don't you, sir?

Yeah, obviously. Idiot.

RAPID FOOTSTEPS

Sir? How would you like to help the underprivileged?

Too late!

Here you go.

Owen said to boost his confidence.

Now Dexter thinks he can do no wrong!

Tanks? In the school?

Robot guards?

Aerial drone patrols?

Chaining us to our desks?

He doesn't actually think he can do all this, does he?

We can't take that chance.

We HAVE to break his confidence.

I mean, I actually know less about music since taking your class.

You're making us more stupid.

I didn't realise you felt like this.

What's going on here?

We were just telling Dexter how much of a rubbish teacher he is.

It's like being taught be a clown!

Yeah, all right, girls...

cut the man some slack, yeah?

Have some respect.

HE SIGHS

Hey, Dex...

I made a mistake.

What about?

About you going for the deputy head job.

Look, you don't have respect.

Maybe you're right.

Um...

I should probably tell Mrs Goodman I'm withdrawing my application.

-Meditating with me, it would be just lovely.

-Thank you.

-Um, Mrs Goodman, could I have a word?

-Yes.

I've, er, recently updated my CV,

and I've listed all my various skills and hobbies.

Oh.

Huh. I never knew you could ride a horse.

Or speak Italian!

-Molto bene!

-Oh!

I think you'll find my credentials stack up quite well

against the other candidate.

Ah, well, there is no other candidate.

I'm afraid Dexter's just dropped out of the running.

He has?

So we just need to watch you doing some teaching,

and then we'll sort out your new salary and perks.

I can't wait.

I'm looking forward to really defining my role.

This new deputy head job - how much of a raise are we talking, exactly?

My new cardigan - the one that Dexter got me? Have you seen it?

Oh, that well-ugly one. I thought you hated it.

It cost a fortune. It'll break his heart!

Oh!

So your sister breaks Dexter's heart,

finds out it was your fault, then she breaks YOU.

Is that about the size of things?

# This problem's like a horrid bit of knitting

# It's all tied up in knots, I'm not kidding

# That cardigan was the ugliest thing I've ever seen

# I couldn't think of something worse in a bad dream

# I took it from the bin, it wasn't mine to give away

# And then I had the cheek to swap it for a lolly

# I'm sorry, now Lizzie needs it back

# Dexter bought it as a present and he'll think she hated it

# If she's not got it round her shoulders, he'll say that's a wrap

# And Lizzie will be left heartbroken

# Who's to blame for that?

# I think we all know the answer to that

# So I've gotta get it back now

# You gotta get a cardie back

# Gotta get a, gotta get a cardie back

# You gotta get a cardie back

# Gotta get a, gotta get a cardie back

# You gotta get a cardie back

# Gotta get a, gotta get a cardie back

# Can't see Lizzie heartbroken

# Got to get this cardigan

# First I gave it to the boys

# # They gave it to charity

# What's the chances Ingrid bought it?

# Now she wears it casually

# Evidence leads back to me

# If Lizzie knew, she'd actually

# Probably never speak to me

# Forever be mad at me

# If she sees Ingrid in it, I'm dead meat!

# You gotta get a cardie back

# Gotta get a, gotta get a cardie back

-# How?!

-You gotta get a cardie back

# Gotta get a, gotta get a cardie back

-# Now!

-You gotta get a cardie back

# Got to get a, gotta get a cardie back

# Can't see Lizzie heartbroken

# Got to get this cardigan. #

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Eurgh, move! I've got to put these online,

and I don't need you floating around in the background

like a weird balloon.

I wasn't meant to sell that cardigan.

I need it back. It was a mistake.

Well, you're a mistake. LOL!

Out loud.

I'll give you double what you paid for it.

50, or you ain't having nothing.

50?! I ain't got that kind of money.

Then what are you even wasting my time for, you povvo?

Crispin, this is Judith, one of our brilliant governors.

So, are you all set for us to observe your lesson?

Well, yes.

It's Cold War Britain - 1945 to 1951 -

one of my personal favourites.

Oh. How would you feel about giving an impromptu Italian lesson?

You want me to teach them Italian?

Yes, well, since you speak it fluently...

Oh, yes.

Molto bene.

Er, ciao.

Arrivederci.

Oh, fantastico.

You. Go to the library and get me a book on basic Italian. Now.

-Name?

-Eli Grant.

You have an overdue book.

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe?

-ELI SIGHS

-That book was rubbish.

You put a lion in a wardrobe, right, you're going to make it angry.

You know how many people that lion attacked? None.

TWO YEARS overdue?!

There's a fine.

Let me off the few pence - I'm in a hurry.

£68.25.

-HE CHUCKLES

-What?

DOOR OPENS

What's this?

Oh, she would only give me one.

Basic Italian Cooking?

I need a language book.

Are you ready, Crispin?

Yes. Just finalising my lesson plan.

Italy.

Rome.

Pasta.

Spaghetti.

Who here knows any Italian words?

-Pizza.

-THEY LAUGH

Pizza.

Um, what about you?

Er...

garlic bread?

LAUGHTER

And you?

Sono nato in Italia. Ben al Italiano, Senior Bell.

Er...

I'm sorry?

I was born in Sicily, sir.

Well, well...

Well, you can...

keep quiet!

I'll not have any cheating in this lesson.

HE SPEAKS FLUENT ITALIAN

Quiet, boy!

LAUGHTER

So, who can tell me the meaning of...

Cannelloni del frutti di mare?

Not you.

Well, that was certainly interesting, Crispin.

I wasn't on form.

And the pressure of today.

You have to give me a second chance.

All set, then, love?

What's going on?

Why are you dressed like that?

Hasn't she told you?

I've applied for the deputy head job.

She's going to interview me.

What time do you want me?

-Nunn?

-THEY ALL SIGH

Deputy Head Nunn?

Normally, I'd say he wouldn't stand a chance, but after THAT lesson...?

Nunn would be a nightmare.

Worst of the lot.

He's not a very nice man.

You've got to get Dexter to run for head again.

Oh!

Where'd you find that cardigan?

I did not "find" it,

I literally bought it in a real shop.

I thought it was a one-off. Can I have it?

Have it?

Er...no.

That's not how stuff works, Mr So-Called-Thingy.

All right! I'll buy it off you - how much do you want?

90.

What?! That's more than I...

You ain't the only one offering me money for this, you know.

It's, like, well in demand.

Yo, Dexter.

Um...

What?

You've got to run for deputy head.

What's the point?

No-one respects me - you said it yourself.

Look, I lied.

You know? We only talked you out of it cos of that weird list you wrote.

What weird list?

Come on, the one about tanks and robots and drones...

Oh! That list was just me and Lizzie messing about.

As if I think those were good ideas.

What?!

You really should run for it, then.

-Nah.

-Come on, Dexter! You're the only option!

I'm not applying for deputy head. Listen, Nero...

Forget it, Dexter.

I don't know why I even bothered - you never do ANYTHING for me.

Nero?

Nero!

Yeah, 6.5. Same as me.

It's a draw, then?

Anticlimax, much?

LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS

I guess that makes me as good a Scout as you.

Oh!

"DUELLING BANJOS" STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

Phew!

Er, they're still the same weight.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Fine!

-I

-am the best Scout!

-I

-am!

You may have won...

but at least I've still got my honour.

Yeah. And Owen has to go on the bus in his pants.

LAUGHTER

It isn't here!

What have you done with it?

With what, miss?

Why aren't you wearing proper school uniform?

LAUGHTER

This is bad.

All right, sir?

Interview?

Get lost, Johnson.

You done your prep yet?

Eh?

Prep?

Yeah, prep.

Goodman wants ten good ideas for changing the school.

You know what?

Dexter's surprisingly done some brilliant ones

before he dropped out.

Sorry about the smell.

I didn't have a chance to shower after rugby.

You're looking as lovely as ever, ladies.

I do love a powerful woman. Women. Both.

Ah!

We can talk money later.

First, ideas.

How about aerial drone patrols?

Robot guards and tanks?

And that's just for starters.

Boom!

Unbelievable.

Nero, I...

Oh, Dexter!

You haven't come to reapply, have you?

Because, between us, the job is yours if you want it.

Thank you, but...

my hands are really full.

Like I was telling Nero earlier, I'm his guardian - he comes first.

-SHE SIGHS

-Oh, well.

Sorry I messed you about, Dex. And, by the way...

-thanks.

-You have to trust me, Nero.

You're what matters to me the most.

You and Lizzie.

Yeah, er...about that.

Why are you destroying that?

This isn't hers, this is another one.

I can't have her thinking there's more than one.

Dexter, about my cardigan. I have a confession...to...

Still on for dinner?

Well, congratulations, deputy head.

I promise I won't let you down.

-Worth celebrating, I think.

-Mm.

Lovely.

I thought it was appropriate to come to my favourite little Italian.

(Since you speak Italian.)

Tu parli italiano?

Excellente!

Posso offrirti qualcosa da bere?

Garlic-a bread.

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But what no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

-# If you see 'em every day

-You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #