Ring 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

# 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock. #

Guys, guess what? We've got some news.

-You've only got six weeks to live.

-No.

-You're running away to clown school?

-No.

We're getting married.

Oh! Congratulations!

Oh, well. Look at the bright side.

One in three marriages ends in divorce.

-When's the big day?

-Don't know yet.

-We've still got to save up for the wedding.

-And childcare.

And the house. So, probably...

Three, or four years?

Well, we're all very happy for you.

I only hope you find the happiness with Lizzie

that eluded me with Anastasia.

You know, sometimes, if I close my eyes and breathe really deeply,

I can still smell her hair.

When I think about how beautiful she would have looked

on our wedding day... Oh, no!

Weirdo.

BELL RINGS

-Mate, I just want to say that I'm here for you.

-Huh?

Well, with Dexter getting married, your parents moving to Kuwait,

it must feel like all the adults in your life just keep rejecting you.

-No-one's rejecting me.

-I did!

After you told everyone I was dying. Remember?

Hey, K, what's up?

I'm here to ask my boyfriend what he's got me for my birthday.

-Birthday?

-It's today.

Of course it is, my little cupcake.

I've got you a big surprise which I'll give you after school.

Well, you better. Otherwise I'm going to snap all your pencils.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Love you!

-Hi. I'd like to cancel my wedding.

-'Yes, what day is it?'

-It's, um...

-tomorrow.

-'I'm sorry, you're too late.'

-Too late?

Uh... Look, I really need that money.

I promised my son we'd be getting a flat

and I need the deposit by five or...

Who are you talking to?

-'Hello?'

-Um... No-one.

-Then why are you sweating?

-Oh, it's condensation.

The ventilation in this caravan was pretty advanced in the '80s

but technology's moved on.

Have you got the keys to the flat?

Yeah.

Pick them up on Monday. New home, new start.

Good.

Because if I have to spend another week in this skanky rust wreck,

I'm telling Mum you still kiss her wedding photo goodnight.

-I was polishing it.

-With your tongue?

It's gentler on the glass.

# My dad's a total numpty

# Living in a cruddy caravan isn't comfy

# Yep, I've got a rubbish teacher as a dad

# It couldn't get any worse than that

# Bad enough he's uncool

# I've got to live in a sardine can for a room

# Sharing it with my lame-o dad

# Whose feet smell of sardines, that's a fact

# He promised me that we'd move out soon

# Into a nice flat with a perfect view

# But while I'm stuck in this dump I'll make a point

# Of showing Dad I'm at breaking point!

# Son and dad on rough seas, bad vibes

# One more wave this ship might capsize

# When CJ finds out the new house

# Is an old house and it's not a house

# It's a caravan with no Wi-Fi

# The same one that we're in right now

# With a makeshift bed that's a wobbly table

# He'll throw a wobbly and probably faint, too

# Deep down I'm sure he loves me

# But one more blunder, he'll never trust me...

-BOTH:

-# I'm at breaking point now

# I'm at breaking point

# I'm at breaking point now

# I'm at breaking point

# Stressed at home, stressed full stop

# On a stress ride, someone make it stop

# Got to get married in a big white dress

# Everyone staring, sounds like stress

-# What does stress sound like?

-Sounds like this

# The sound of screaming kids

# Bills, but wedding bells sound like this

# Marriage is a beautiful thing

# Will Liz say yes if it stays like this?

-ALL:

-# I'm at breaking point now I'm at breaking point

# I'm at breaking point now

# I'm at breaking point

# I'm at breaking point now

# I'm at breaking point

# I have to act now

# Just to make a point! #

-Ah, man of the moment.

-OK. Thanks.

What would you say if I told you that I could sell you a luxury

three-course wedding buffet and disco

for a once-in-a-lifetime discount?

-How much?

-15.

-Pounds?!

-Thousand.

Sorry, we can barely make rent, let alone fork out that kind of money.

Um... 3,000 then? And I'll throw in a DJ and a wedding dress.

Never worn.

One-and-a-half then. 500.

It includes a honeymoon.

Three weeks, all-inclusive, in Bermuda?

You're off your noggin.

How are you going to pull off a wedding in a day?

You're marrying my sister. Ugh! That's gross.

Bags I'm chief bridesmaid.

Which means you two are my deputy bridesmaids

which means you have to do everything I say till the wedding.

Great, that's not going to get at all annoying(!)

Are you sure you feel like that?

Cos I was going to ask you to be my best man.

-What, me?

-Yeah.

-What do I have to do?

-Nothing.

Except...look after this ring till the big day.

What?!

-Bro, that's some serious bling.

-It was my nan's.

My grandad proposed to her on the deck of a steamship in World War II.

-Promise me you won't lose it.

-Swear.

-Good.

And Nero, thanks for being so cool about this.

I know you've had a lot of change in your life,

-but you coming through for me like this, it means a lot.

-No worries.

-I'm really psyched for you, Dex.

-Thanks.

Make sure you give me a little nudge so I can look away

before you kiss the bride.

Don't want to bring up my brekkie.

-He asked YOU to be the best man?

-Why you saying it like that for?

Let's look at the facts.

You lost his phone, ruined his holiday,

and got him arrested for burglary.

-You're not exactly the safe choice, are you?

-Wrong.

Plus, I'm going to ask Polly to be my date.

So it's all got to go exactly to plan.

Why don't you give me the ring? I'll take care of it for you

and you won't look like a clueless berk in front of Polly.

I'm not a clueless berk.

-All right, fine. You look after the ring for me.

-Good decision.

Remember, I'm always here for you, big man.

Even when it feels like the whole world has turned its back.

TOY SQUEAKS

-Hey!

-HE WHISTLES

Um, is there a dog in here?

Or are you trying to get the attention of me, an actual human?

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

It's just, I wanted to ask you something.

Is it, "Can I ruin your science experiment

"and tell everyone in your favourite band you're dying?"

No, not this time.

-I wanted to make it up to you.

-What? By never talking to me again?

Polly, look, Dexter's getting married and he asked me

to be his best man. And a best man has to have a best woman.

So I wondered if you fancied being my...

Nah, it's cool.

You've probably got other plans. I'll see you over the summer, then.

Maybe.

Nero...

What time are you picking me up?

Um, I'll text you the deets.

Dear, oh, dear. Finally cracked, eh?

So, what are you going to do

for your last night of freedom, the big stag?

-I'm not having a stag night.

-You've got to have a stag night!

Stag night?

Um... Can I bring CJ?

We've been going through a bit of a rough time,

so we could do with a boys' night out.

Course you can, the more the merrier.

Don't worry, mate, I'll lay on some grade-A bants for you.

You are going to turn up at your wedding looking like

you've just helicoptered in from 'Nam.

-Oh, a hen night! I'm in.

-Er, you weren't invited.

Yeah, but we all know that if the girls are hanging,

Easy E's going to be there. I've always wanted to go to a hen night.

Will there be actual hens?

What's all this about a hen night?

None of your beeswax.

Well, it totally is because I'm chief bridesmaid.

Yeah, spill, sister,

or my BFF is going to throw some serious shade all up in your face.

Fine, you can come to the hen night. Miss Baker's, tonight, six o'clock.

You're not inviting me? Well, too bad. Cos I'm coming.

Brilliant(!)

Now the whole school is going to be there.

I know, it's going to be so much fun.

The ring? You did what?

What do you mean, you lost it?

I haven't, I haven't lost it, I've just...temporarily misplaced it.

What?!

Loving my birthday present.

I thought you might have bought me something rubbish

so I checked your bag to make sure I wasn't going to have to dump you.

And I found it. Seriously blingy!

Anyways, off on a hen night.

-Laters!

-Where you going, boys?

It's stag time! Stag time.

-I've just got to...

-Don't think so, mate. It's banter o'clock.

Oi, Grant, you coming to play with the big boys?

Nah, off to a hen night with my girl squad. Hashtag BFFs forever!

Weirdo.

Wait a second!

Katie's nicked off with Dexter's ring.

I need you to get it back for me.

I don't know, it seems like a major breach in girl code.

Oh, no, please, come on.

Dexter's counting on me, and I can't mess up again in front of Polly.

It's my last chance, bro.

-OK. But you owe me big time.

-Anything you want...

-A shark with wheels that I can ride like a skateboard.

-..but that.

Right.

BELL RINGS

Honk honk! All aboard the banter bus, destination Lolsville!

-We have fun, don't we?

-All right, boys, kit on, it's in the bags.

Oh, no, I'm not wearing this.

Yes, you are, it's a stag do, and the banter is not optional.

Maybe we should park the outfits.

I think Dexter's right,

I'm not sure how comfortable I am dressing as Wonder Woman.

Deal with it! Because this banter bus ain't stopping for anyone.

Honk honk!

You're making her look like a gonk!

Well, you're making her look like something a crow done an egg in!

Aw, well relaxing, innit, Miss?

Oh, you're right. This is relaxing.

I can feel all my troubles melting away.

This hen party has been fabulous.

But maybe we should... call an early night.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that?

Hey, Miss. Time for your spray tan.

Of course we weren't going to get in dressed like this.

It's a universal rule.

No trainers, no sportswear, no...whatever that is.

It's a fitted bodice and a rara skirt.

It's actually rather freeing.

-Can we...can we just go home?

-Look, this is a big night for me, yeah?

It's my first-ever stag night. And his wedding.

It has to be 100%, 24-carat banter from start to finish.

Otherwise we might as well be on a hen do.

I know a lovely bistro round the corner.

What sort of idiot spends their stag night in a bistro?

This place is like a funeral parlour,

except someone propped up the stiffs and put napkins in their collars.

Oi! What are you staring at?

You never seen Batman having it large before?

HONK HONK!

Dad?

Why did you take us to a restaurant that's more dead-end than your life?

Not for long because...

I happen to have bought my magical suitcase of wonderment.

Ta-da!

Oh, no...

Pick a card, any card. Any card.

Are you sure this is safe?

Yeah, I did a course, but I got chucked off.

I waxed off someone's eyebrows while I was texting.

And you're not going to make me look like an Oompa Loompa?

Don't worry, I like to go for a natural look, like,

-somewhere between Rylan and an orange.

-Rylan...?

Just close your eyes and say, "Tanned and gorgeous."

One, two, three...

PHONE CHIMES Ooh!

HISSING

What?

What?!

And for my next trick...

You better get me out of these, I'm running a half marathon next week

and I don't fancy my chances with you hanging off of it.

It's all right.

Ta-da!

Now, who wants to see my disappearing coin trick?

How about the disappearing dad trick?

Oi, Wizbit, a word.

What's your problem?

-Stop stealing my thunder, you big magic twerp.

-Excuse me...

This is my stag night

and you're turning it into a kiddie's tea party.

-Magic is a noble art form.

-Wrong!

It's a way for bowtied weirdoes to distract from their BO!

You try washing all of your surfaces when you're showering in a caravan!

Ha!

Get out of that one, Houdini.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Bill, please.

Great.

Night before my wedding and I'm in the cells handcuffed to a chair.

-HONK HONK!

-Epic, right?

Told you I'd lay on the bants for you, big boy. Selfie!

I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you...

That you still love Mum. I know.

You signed the divorce papers with a kiss.

We're not moving in.

I forgot to cancel the wedding and the only money I had left

I spent on magical props to impress you over dinner.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Dex, we'll work something out, trust me.

Like what? I'm getting married in less than 12 hours

and I've been arrested for causing a public nuisance.

I could go to prison, lose my job!

What am I going to tell Lizzie?

# Oh, no, what am I going to do?

# Cuffed to a chair, locked up like a criminal

# With no way of getting out, looks like I'm doomed

# I'll have to call the wedding off, I'm such a fool

# Oh, no, what am I going to do?

# Can't turn up to my own wedding coloured blue

# There'll be waves of laughter, like a typhoon

# Complete disaster What'll I do?

# If you had a blue Smurf right beside you

# Wanting you marry them, would you say I do?

# If Dexter sees me he'll say I don't

# Pure stressed, like I guessed, and I can't cope

# Imagine I call it off for me and Lizzie

# Fail, split up and I live it rough with Mr Bell

# Crying in my sleep What we could have been

# Husband and wife with kids, but luck's running thin

# To say I do

# Or say I don't

# What will I do?

# I just don't know

# To say I do

# Or say I don't

# What will I do?

# I just don't know

# If he calls it off I'll start crying

# Just to think how so excited he was

# For the wedding and trip to Bermuda

# All called off for the stress of the last few years

# Relationship down the drain

# I feel like I'm losing everything

# I wish I could say it's just a wind-up

# But it's not It's time to make my mind up

# I'm willing to fight for the man I love

# Do I need a plan before time's up?

# I do. #

I'm going to stay at Graham's tonight. Meet you there.

-Brilliant idea.

-Really?

Yeah! You, erm...

You enjoy your lads' night out.

Oi, oi, or whatever it is lads say to each other.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, of course.

Just think - this time tomorrow, we'll be in Bermuda.

Yeah, you're right, just think of Bermuda. Night-night.

HE SIGHS

SNORING

Morning, gents.

-Emily?

-Dexter.

You know, when they said a man had been arrested,

handcuffed to a chair, I thought it might be you.

SIREN WAILS

-Thanks. Owe you one.

-No problem.

I just don't want to see you in here again, young man.

Oh, and, Dex...

-Yeah?

-She's a very lucky lady, and hopefully a patient one.

He'll be here. Dexter wouldn't let me down.

"Welcome to the wedding of Anastasia Cook and Crispin Bell"?

CRISPIN SIGHS

Oh, I forgot to tell the venue about the name change.

Probably should have told some of the guests as well.

Hey, David, how was the flight?

-Can I have the ring?

-Sure.

I'm just going to give it a little polish.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Eli, where are you, fam? I need that ring.

Ah, yeah, that.

Mate, you had one job!

Eleesha gave me a head massage and I sort of nodded off.

Telling you, that girl has magic hands.

What am I supposed to tell Dex?

Maybe...chill out and have a head rub?

Nero?

-THEY LAUGH

-Am I having a hallumination

or is this actually literally happening?

Oh, Nero, you look lovely!

Sorry, long story, but can I say, you look absolutely...?

AUDIENCE GASP

Oh, erm...

The important thing is we're both marrying the right person.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to witness

the wedding of Crispin Ferdinand Algernon Bell and Anastasia Cook.

-HE WHISPERS:

-Dexter and Lizzie.

I mean, Dexter and Lizzie.

The ring?

Like he said, long story.

Sorry.

I promised this wouldn't be stressful, then I get arrested,

you get painted blue and we get married with some pick and mix.

It's brilliant. Isn't it?

Eh?

When I first met you, my life was ordinary and organised

and predictable, and to be completely honest,

a little bit boring.

And, well, now it's a little bit...Dextery.

And I think I like it.

And chair. SHE GIGGLES

What did I miss?

Me looking like a complete twonk in front of Polly, thanks to you.

Sorry, I... I can make it up to you. I'll do anything, you name it.

Um, er, get the ring back.

Cool. Yeah, totally.

Just as soon as I've had some of that delicious trifle.

Leave it to me.

You're going to tell her?

If the events of today have taught me anything,

it's that honesty is always the best policy.

I hope it is, anyway.

Wish me luck.

Wow, you really messed that up.

I'd say it's the stupidest thing you've ever done

but there's so much competition.

Eh, yeah, I know.

I blew it.

Oh, well, it's been nice knowing you.

What are you talking about?

You're the most entertainment that I've ever had, Nero Johnson.

-Me?

-Come on, let's dance.

What?!

You're dumped, you cheeseball!

THEY LAUGH

How did it go?

Well...

terribly.

She dumped me.

I'm free!

I'm finally free!

Don't go anywhere.

Found these.

So, where do you reckon - wrist or elbow?

Neither.

Oh.

Hey, I got your ring back! DEXTER SIGHS

I'm so sorry for being such a rubbish best man.

It's cool. The important thing is I'm here,

getting married to the woman I love, with the people I care about.

THEY CHUCKLE

-I'm going to miss you.

-Hey, I'm only going to Bermuda.

Yeah, about that, I've just been on the phone to the airline.

Apparently it's too late to change the name on the tickets.

-You're joking.

-But don't worry...

..I've arranged a luxury holiday, and I think you're going to like it.

Three cheers for the bride and groom!

ALL: Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Yes! Come on! Yes!

Oh, young love.

Nice one, Dad - now we're homeless!

No, cos I swapped the caravan for these.

Oh! Ta-da!

They're Dex's keys to the flat.

For the whole summer.

So we can finally move out of that caravan.

-Thanks, Dad!

-It's OK.

-No touching.

-OK.

Well, looks like everything worked out in the end.

I told you I'd come through for you, mate. I always do.

So, Polly, how about that dance, then?

Come on.

-SHE WHISTLES

-Here, boy.

Fancy a bit of a boogie?

Yeah, but only because we feel sorry for you.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Ladies, may I?

No, but you can hold my dress out the way while I do the Nae Nae.

Hey, guys, who am I going to dance with?

Who do you think, loser? It's your lucky day.

I'm single!

THEY LAUGH

# Uh

# Yeah, yeah

# Uh, uh

# We're all right

# It's the end of an old chapter

# And beginning of a new one

# Looking back, thinking what have you done?

# From moving out to moving in

# Dexter getting married and I lose the ring

# Got it back last minute, were you tuning in?

# Said bye to a friend that I'll never forget

# And said hi to a friend that's new on the end

# It's Polly - is this the start of new beginnings?

# Sometimes change has got to come

# New life, same school

# New people, new girl in the crew

# Nero isn't such a fool after all

# Even when it's going down

# Good times come around

# When the love is found

# Don't you frown

# Even when it's going down

# Good times will come around

# When the love is found

# New beginnings

# Remember when we hid our love in school

# Even though we've been together so it's nothing new?

# Tying the knot, for sure, that's something new

# Edible rings sure was something cool

-# Something old or new

-Something borrowed, something blue

# Now my wife is the prettiest Smurf of all

# Well, I'm glad I could be of service

# I had to hold back tears in the service

# And the end of me and Anastasia only means a new beginning

# For Dexter and Miss Baker

# Oi, let's not forget my epic stag

# Let's not forget that this is my verse, in fact

# It's a new beginning in me and CJ's flat

-# You mean temporary home?

-Yeah, something like that

# I'm happy I'm an auntie with two new nephews

# Hoping I can get away with more stuff and

# Never get caught in the act

# With your bridesmaids Violet and Darnesh watching your back

# Well, who would have thought I'd have such an appeal

# I'd end up with a girlfriend against my will?

# But change is fine and exciting still

# Katie is everything but predictable

# No idea what's around the corner but that's what life's about

# Yeah, and I'm all for it Yeah!

# Even when it's going down

# Good times will come around

# When the love is found

# Don't you frown

# Even when it's going down

# Good times will come around

# When the love is found

# New beginnings. #

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

# But when no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about

# Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #