Camping 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

This is what all our scouting has been leading up to, Eli.

A weekend in the country.

Just us and nature.

-And the bears.

-There are no bears.

Wolves, then.

Or witches.

You know Hansel and Gretel, right?

You going to stay glued to that all weekend?

It's important. I'm trying to convince Polly I'm not an idiot.

Good luck with that, then, mate.

It's great to be out in the country, Nero,

putting your everyday worries behind you

and really getting in touch with your inner feelings.

Provided we show nature our respect there won't be any surprises.

PHONE BEEPS

Get lost, did you?

-What are they doing here?

-That's what I keep on asking.

I heard Mr Harris talking about your trip

and I thought it a good idea for CJ and I

to come and fill our lungs with that clean country air.

BEE BUZZES

Oh! Something flew up my nose.

This is priceless!

Something's flown up my nose.

I'm uploading this to Instagram.

All right, everyone, relax.

I'm here to show you losers how a real man does the great outdoors.

HE COUGHS

PHONE BEEPS

Extra bottles in the fridge,

nappies by the sofa,

you have my number in case there's an emergency.

Relax!

I know what I'm doing.

I do work with children professionally.

Behave.

-Of course, I'll behave!

-First time for everything.

I'm only ever naughty by accident.

You just go and have a fantastic day.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

We are going to have such fun!

ALARM BLEEPS

HORN BLARES

IGNITION STARTS

Thank you, Dexter, for buying the cheapest car in the universe(!)

PHONE BEEPS

Mr Nunn, what is the best way to defend yourself

against a wolf?

You need to show him you're the alpha.

Puff your chest out.

There are no wolves in Britain.

HE COUGHS

-You all right?

-I'm fine.

Just had a vindaloo last night.

If you've got food poisoning it's my responsibility as a first-aider...

Yeah, yeah, shut up, Mum.

SQUAWKING NOISE

What is all this junk?

As we say in the Scouts' Own...

be prepared.

Yes, for camping, not for opening a pound shop.

"Get out of school."

Yes, the students solve puzzles in order to escape.

So if anyone asks for help or tries to bribe you to let them go

you need to refuse.

All right. Don't have a go.

I mean it, Isaac, under no circumstances

are you to help them go.

Even if they beg or plead

or try and trick you.

HE SIGHS

Why didn't you use the matches?

That wouldn't be keeping into the spirit of camping.

We already live in a caravan.

Our whole life's camping.

Except with fewer insects and it smells slightly less of manure.

You want to get some tinder in there, mate.

I know how to build a fire.

Can I make a suggestion?

If you don't like how I'm doing it build your own fire!

Yeah, all right, then.

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,

there is a rapture on the lonely shore.

Hey, nice!

I'm having that.

Kaboom!

Polly's not going to think I'm such a shallow idiot after this.

HE CHUCKLES

Come along, everyone, take a seat.

Right, we're here now, so tell us

how to get out of school, then, Miss.

You have to solve the clues.

-What clues?

-It's a game.

Too flipping right.

School is a game.

No, Get Out of School is the name of the game.

So you're telling me I've to come to school on Saturday

-to play some "game"?

-Yes.

They seem to think you're going to present us

with a way of getting out of school...

..permanently.

I'm not wasting my Saturday playing

some swotty nerd games for swotty nerds.

If you don't think you're up to solving the puzzles...

Er, sexist much?

We can solve the puzzles just as well as you can, dingbat,

so we ain't leaving.

That's the spirit. So...

Here's the first clue.

Don't open it until I get back.

Chester, Polly, would you give me a hand?

There's some stuff we need to bring in from the car.

Stuck in with our headteacher and we can't even afford to go out.

Don't look at me. I'm broke.

I've got some money.

And you're only mentioning it now?

I need it for a haircut.

Mum says I look like a hairynormus.

I'll cut it. Then we can use it for something fun.

You can't give him a haircut.

Why not?

A - you don't know how, and B - it's the stupidest idea ever.

I don't mind.

What if Goodman catches you?

# It's all good

# I can pose as a hairdresser

# A little snip, snip, snip

# Make his hair better

# A short cut to success Save that ten quid

# Spend every pound of it on something fun-filled

# How hard can it be to cut hair and small talk?

# Would you like the sides this length or more short?

# Going away for the summer? Ooh, that sounds nice

# This hairdressing business could be fun, right? Yeah!

# Yeah! Snip, snip Do you want a ponytail?

# Or a perm? Cut it short Less is more

# Less is more!

# More or less I can do it

# Snip, snip and you'll feel like a brand-new kid

# Even though you think that it's all fine

# I'm worried that you've gone too far at this time

# It's a silly idea

# You're not qualified to cut hair I think it's crossing the line

# But I don't mind I've been dreaming of a restyle

# A big twirly curl Something chic and chic and wow!

# So make me into a superstar, please

# I want to set trends so they all follow me

# A perm, mohican or a ponytail

# Any style that you want, sir You're going to look swell

# What if Goodman strolls in and catches us out?

# What will Darnesh's mum say? It won't be a "Wow!"

# When you ruin his hair we'll be the talk of the town

# He'll walk around with a permanent frown

# And Darnesh will end up a laughing stock

# And if we were to get caught Then we'll get the chop!

# Snip, snip Will it be slicked back?

# Pompadour, jelly roll Less is more

# Less is more

# More or less I can do it

# Snip, snip and you'll feel like a brand-new kid

# Yeah! Yeah!

# Snip, snip, do you want a ponytail or a perm?

-# Cut it short, less is more

-Less is more

# More or less I can do it

# Snip, snip and you'll feel like a brand-new kid. #

Let's do this. How hard could it be?

Hmm...

I hope I haven't missed the start.

I got caught up in a rather gripping part of Finnegans Wake.

Just in time to help us get the stuff inside.

Could you give me a hand with this?

We need to move these boxes into the hall.

Let's pass them to the front.

CAR ALARM WAILS AND HORN TOOTS

What just happened?

-It's locked.

-Mine is too.

When was the last time you checked the battery levels?

Never. It's a new car.

It's vital to have an expert give a new car a once over.

-Oh!

-The central locking is controlled by the electrics.

Am I to think we are now trapped in your faulty vehicle?

But I NEED my phone.

I was in the middle of something.

Well, this is a predicament.

I told you, forget all that stuff.

You never know what you're going to need to face nature.

A table tennis bat?

Look, mate, I've gone feral.

-What's the matter?

-Polly hasn't replied to my text.

Send her another one. Girls love that.

I'm going with them to get more firewood. We might see a yeti.

HE CHUCKLES

# Having a meltdown Must've said something wrong

# Came across like a chump and Polly's cut me off

# Can't seem to get it right

# I'mma text her right now Try and save what we have, before

# It's beddy-byes

# I didn't mean it So sorry if I offended you

# It was a joke I don't want to upset you

# Say something back, man Are you receiving these?

# No reply Ah, the silence is eating me alive

# Have no idea what she's thinking right now

# Is she gonna tell the whole school I'm a clown?

# I wish she'd text back and quench my thirst

# I feel left in the lurch It's not knowing that's worst

# I don't see the point in even being here

# It's wet, cold and muddy I'm not feeling it

# All the flies and mossies and other creepy crawlies

# And big, fresh, smelly cowpats everywhere

# Get me back in the caravan with Wi-Fi

# I watch wildlife on-screen Not in real life

# Another problem with my son and it feels like

# No matter what I try he's just a killjoy

# Who wouldn't want to go camping with their dad?

# To take in the sights and the sounds of the land

# I wish I knew how to keep him smiling

# But I don't, and it's not knowing how that drives me crazy

# And I'm trapped in a car

# Locked in and I'm going nowhere fast

# And my phone's like life support

# But it's stuck outside of this hefty door

# What if Nero's text me?

# He's already thinking I'm a snooty type

# I can't get free to prove him wrong

# And now he'll think I'm a stuck-up, uptight

# Moody one that's no fun And it's not fair

# I don't know what he's thinking and that's what's worst

# Being stuck here

# Rather know the bad news

# When you don't know That's bad news

# Feel left in the lurch

# It's not knowing that's worst

-# Rather know the bad news

-Bad news

# When you don't know That's bad news

-# Feel left in the lurch

-Oh-oh-oh, oh

# It's not knowing that's worst. #

Do you think that there's enough air in here for all of us?

Let's say the average person takes in

around half a litre of air per breath,

with approximately 9 cubic metres,

and roughly 9,000 litres of air per cubic metre, divided by the four...

You need to take into consideration the lack of airtight seals.

Indeed.

And you need to consider that Polly and I probably don't want to hear

you two discuss how much air we have left before we suffocate.

Right, let's go over that again.

It's Isaac. There's Isaac!

SHE KNOCKS ON WINDOW Isaac! Oh, thank goodness.

Can you get my key?

And let us out, please.

You told me not to let anyone out.

Please, Isaac. We're trapped.

I ain't falling for it. "Not under any circumstances," you said.

No, Isaac, please help us.

You must think I'm an idiot.

Isaac! Isaac!

Face it, they're not coming back.

What if this is part of it, though?

Just read us the clue.

"Go where you'll find palettes, easels and brushes galore,

"yellow, pink, green and much, much more,

"violet and indigo and the deepest blue,

"this is the place where you'll find your next clue."

Brushes and what?

I have a hairbrush in my locker.

That must be it.

You don't think it could be the art room.

Where would you hide a clue in the art room?

It smells funny in there.

Yeah.

Lockers it is, then.

And they say we were stupid.

You realise we'll probably end up in prison.

It'll just be like cutting my doll's hair when I was little.

Ooh. What are you three up to?

We're making our costume.

For history day.

He's going to be a knight. Sir Darnesh.

-Ooh.

-Can you make me a shield, too?

Yes. We'll make you a shield.

Ooh, and an axe.

I can't wait to see the finished product.

That was close.

Except now she's expecting him to be in a suit of armour.

With an axe!

Er...

Wrap him in this while I find something to make a shield.

And an axe!

I would've given anything to have gone camping with my father.

The whole reason people have homes

is so they don't have to live in the woods.

-Especially with all the wolves.

-You never mentioned wolves.

-There aren't any wolves.

-Yes, yes, that's right. There are no wolves.

And the snakes.

There aren't any snakes.

Well, actually, there are.

Except there's only one that's venomous, so...

See? So it's only bad if you get bitten.

COUGHING

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm just...

He's been bitten by a snake!

Come on, answer.

-Please.

-Just give her a chance.

I have and now I panicked and I've sent more messages.

How many messages have you sent?

-37.

-What?!

-What happened?

-Bitten by a snake.

He's got food poisoning. He's burning up.

Obviously, he needs to go to hospital.

I don't need a hospital, I just need a...thingy.

A potato. Hamburger.

I want to lie down.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

It sounded like something hatching

out of an egg.

Something big.

Are you sure you don't want us to take you to hospital?

-Fear the egg!

-HE GROANS

You heard him. He's fine.

BIRDS CAW AND INSECTS BUZZ

(Come on!)

# Yeah, they're out there, I know it

# I've got to stay focused inside this doughnut

# Fridge-shaped thingamajig I wouldn't call a tent

# They're out sneering and plotting my untimely end

# Maybe they're talking about the egg

# I hear them plotting the best way to get rid of someone

# And that someone is me!

# Did I hear what I thought I heard

# They want to feed me to a big, brown, angry bird

# There's a big, brown, angry bird out there

# Who wants to have me for his supper

# Medium rare!

# Aargh, I've got to get out of here

# He lives in the woods, and legend has it

# The bird is a master that rules over masses

# If we disobey, he'll just eat us

# His ordinary diet is PE teachers!

# No!

# The bird is coming, it'll creep, creep, creep up on you

# When he catches you, it's too late

# From the big, bad bird, there's no escape

# I've got to get away, but which route to take?

# This whole place is like one horrible maze

# I'm being chased through the woods by the Birdman

# This isn't how I thought my life would end

# I could have been the next Beckham, a football ledge

# But I'm here like a pleb in the woods

# This is it, what if I disappear when the coast is clear

# Live here for the rest of my years?

# Camouflaged face leaves for a fleece

# Bird's nest for a hat I could live off the land

# Talk to the badgers liaise with the rabbits

# They could warn me when the big bird travels

# I've got to get away where the others won't find me

# I could get used to life in this climate

# You can't trust kids they'll deceive with their words

# I won't let them catch me and feed me to birds

# No!

# The bird is coming and it'll creep, creep, creep up on you

# When he catches you, it's too late

# From the big, bad bird there's no escape! #

Aargh!

You're not feeding me to the bird!

Two of us stay back at base in case he returns.

Two go that way, another two cut through the lake.

CJ and I will take the lake.

Or, CJ could go back to the caravan.

You know, where there aren't any snakes or crazy PE teachers?

Oh, come on, don't be like that.

We're on our holiday.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Don't touch me.

Let's do this!

Ugh!

-Nothing.

-Not here, neither.

Well, if she's hidden a clue in here, she's hidden it very well.

What about this?

"Mr Nunn lives in a toilet"?

And it's red!

Remember that poem mentioned some colours?

What?

It's a clue.

The clue is in Mr Nunn.

Or maybe it's just some ancient graffiti?

Or...

The next clue's in the toilets.

Yeah, what she just said.

Right, let's go.

Boom, we're on fire(!)

They've been through here.

-Have you found his droppings?

-Footprints.

Fresh.

We should set a trap.

Mr Nunn isn't a bear.

He's a big, physically fit teacher who's currently raving delusional.

A trap would be an excellent idea.

Ugh, this is going to take ages.

Ah!

Table tennis bat.

You're absurd.

Now for that haircut.

It's fine, I've already done it.

What do you mean?

While you were making my armour, I was worried about the time,

and I found a beard trimmer in the bathroom.

It actually looks all right.

Let me see. Where's the mirror?

How's it look from the back?

Maybe one small adjustment.

..and I'll be right there.

Oh, wow!

What an amazing costume.

Thanks, Mrs Goodman.

What a fun way to spend a Saturday.

We need to fix his hair.

What's wrong with my hair?

It's stuck!

Ugh, brilliant.

Now she's going to think I'm a bigger idiot than ever,

sending all those messages.

What if I say Eli pinched my phone and sent them?

Or, I could say that I ate a poisonous mushroom

and went a bit funny?

Nero, you're a good kid, everyone likes you, be yourself.

-Yeah, but what if she doesn't like me?

-There are enough people who do.

Just be straight with her.

Is that how you were with Lizzie?

Not at the start.

I was always trying to be something I'm not.

But now, I always tell her what I'm thinking or feeling.

Well, when we're not up to our necks in babies and nappies

and work and...

What?

I never tell her how I'm feeling.

-What if she thinks I don't love her any more?

-So tell her, man.

I'm going to do better than that. Grab your things. We're going back.

Oh, great! About time, Dexter.

Oi!

Girls can't be in here.

-Where is it?

-Where's what?

The clue.

I haven't got a clue.

Maybe we're meant to get it off him.

You've got the keys to the school.

-So, maybe that's how we're meant to escape?

-Let's get him.

Yeah, let's get him!

Don't let him go!

Let me out, let me out! Let me...

You're outnumbered.

Hold him down and tickle him until he gives us the keys.

You can't tickle me, I'm the caretaker.

SHE CRACKS HER KNUCKLES

Aargh!

No, no!

-You think it's deep enough?

-Yeah, deep enough to slow him down.

A TWIG SNAPS

It's him! Hide.

Come on, follow Daddy.

My father used to say to me,

"Crispin, the only dangers are in your mind."

Stop.

-STOP!

-Aargh!

Get me out of here!

Just pull, that's it. Pull me up, pull me up!

And now I've lost my shoes.

Aargh!

Put that frond down before somebody gets hurt!

It's the bird, it's the big, brown bird!

OK...

Why don't we come back to camp, yeah?

I promise we'll keep you safe from the big, brown bird.

-Can I keep my frond?

-Yes, you can.

Come along now.

CJ LAUGHS

That's it, there we go... No, I'm going back in.

We're going to have to come clean.

I said this was a bad idea.

Are you all right? I heard noise.

We can't get the saucepan off of Darnesh.

Oh.

Well...

let me try.

Maybe that's not such a great idea.

I'll just give it a little wiggle...

POP!

Ow!

What have I done?

Oh, yeah, Miss - what HAVE you done?

Well, that was easy.

Yeah, those swots think we're stupid, but where are they now?

-Erm, Loserville?

-Shouldn't we wait for Miss Baker?

Oh, stuff that, I've actually well spent more than enough time

in school for a Saturday.

Are you OK?

I really enjoyed that.

MUFFLED THUMPING AND SHOUTING FROM CAR

Where did they go?

They've done a runner.

Can't say I blame them, this weekend's rather fallen apart.

Now who's going to take Mr Nunn to hospital?

Well, don't look at me. He thinks I want to eat him.

You're the only one who can drive.

Ugh...

Right. But after we've dropped him off,

we're heading straight back to Elmsmere.

I've had enough.

Thanks, Dad, I've actually really enjoyed myself.

Erm, keys...

CAR UNLOCKS

-Free at last.

-Thank you.

I can breathe again!

Shame I never proved my hypothesis.

You were prepared for us to suffocate, just to be proved right?

I would love to debrief with you, Isobel,

but I'm rather bursting for the lavatory.

37 text messages?

I had a meltdown, all right?

I thought that you thought I was an idiot,

so I freaked out and I sent loads more.

Maybe I am an idiot, I don't know.

I even got that quote from Owen!

I'm an idiot.

An idiot wouldn't make a confession like that.

So, maybe I'll delete them

and pretend like your text messages never existed?

There. All gone.

I've got to get back.

I haven't even called Mrs Goodman to ask how the twins are.

-Oh, she must think I'm a terrible mother!

-Hey, calm down.

You're a brilliant mum.

And I don't take enough time to tell you that these days.

Or how much I love you.

What's brought this on?

Just realising that, since the boys were born,

you and I haven't had five seconds for us.

It has been rather relentless.

So, in these next five seconds,

right here and now,

I'm going to take this time to ask...

..Lizzie Baker...

..will you marry me?

Yes! Of course I will!

Aw!

Hey.

Next time you want me to be a clue in one of your games,

forget it.

LIZZIE GIGGLES

-DOOR OPENS Hi!

-We're home!

Oh, thank goodness you're here!

Is everything OK? Are the twins OK?

Yes, yes, yes - the twins have been as good as gold.

(It's Darnesh.)

What did you do this time?

No, it was me.

I did this.

DEXTER SNIGGERS

I don't understand.

I need to take him to get it repaired. And, obviously,

I'll be calling his parents and taking full responsibility.

Erm, me and Violet can take him to the barbers, if you want?

-Oh, that's very kind, but I...

-It's no bother.

Really?

Oh, thank you, Amber.

This should cover it.

Sorry, Lizzie.

Dexter.

-Sorry!

-I'll get the door.

-You know what this means?

-We're terrible human beings?

I'm going bald?

No, now we've got a tenner each.

Not so fast.

Now, tell us what really happened.

-# Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But what no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #