Rash 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

# 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock. #

-Someone going to help me with this?

-In a minute!

Just looking at Owen's house-warming present from Katie.

OWEN EXHALES

-Ta-da!

-Oh, I don't like it.

I've shut my eyes, but I can still see it.

So...pretty cool new bedroom, right?

To be honest, mate, it's a bit really horrible.

Yeah, why DO you want to live in a garage?

Well, it's mostly so that I...

..don't have to share a room with my brother.

ELI LAUGHS

-You don't have a brother!

-Yes, I do.

I just never talk about him and pretend he doesn't exist.

But he makes that quite hard, so I find myself...

Hello, inadequate older brother. Got the last of your things.

Mother says to come up for supper this evening at six.

She's making salmon.

When will that woman learn the finer things in life are wasted on you?

THAT kid's your brother?

-Hence me moving down here.

-Oh, I wish I had my own place.

I've been on that piggin' sofa for two months.

Them babies were up eight times last night.

-Eli, will you please help?!

-OK, OK!

You need to calm down, Nero.

Stress too much and you'll make yourself ill.

Wait, why didn't you just bring that

through the garage door?

ELI AND NERO STRAIN

-BOTH:

-Ugh.

-Oh... That's horrible.

Hey, you can't be rude when someone buys you a present.

We didn't buy it. Eli got it from a skip on Green Street.

-Can I be rude about it now?

-Oh, come on, mate, it's mint.

Someone's made a massive mistake in throwing this out.

It does look quite comfy.

I suppose I could get a throw and some cushions.

-Hey!

-What?

You said it - I need to relax.

PUPILS LAUGH

Eleesha!

THUD

-PUPILS: Ooh...

-Listen up, delinquents.

Today you will be assisted by children

from the Gifted and Talented Stream.

Not these geeky swots.

Sounds like a novel and enlightened initiative to me, sir.

He's one of them!

While you and I know that you will amount to nothing,

Mrs Goodman refuses to believe it.

So, pair up, sit back and let the clever kids do the work, yes?

-History?

-Yeah, yeah, come in. We don't bite.

Sit down, boy.

Actually, I think Eli might.

ELI BARKS AND SNARLS

-That's enough, Grant.

-Yeah, come on, guys. Settle down.

Come on, let's get on with it, yeah?

Hey, Polly. Come on, be my partner.

If we're going to do this, we should play to your strengths.

OK, what, my awesome good looks, on-point crepes and sick hair?

The fact that you are a massive show-off.

It's barely broken at all, get back out there.

Yeah, I bought him a diamond ear stud,

it looks huge in his mini ear.

Proper swag, THAT'S how you look after babies.

You bought your nephews anything?

No, I'm skint.

Some people are such povvo losers.

Yeah, I haven't bought anything because I'm making them

something much more personal,

not like any old shop-bought thing that any old random could buy.

Oi, Ingham, get in goal.

-You lot, on your toes.

-And what is this awesome handmade thing?

I don't know, do I? I'll just knock something up. How hard can it be?

Next up on Meet the Ancient Egyptians,

we have Cleopatra, everybody!

Now, Cleo, am I right in saying you were a ruthless murderer?

Well, I did poison my sisters and brothers,

but that was totally normal behaviour in Egypt at the time.

-And you were a total babe?

-What's all this?

It's supposed to be a history presentation.

That means that my nose was bent.

All right, Cleo-patronising!

LAUGHTER

Now, is there any myth about you that is true then?

-Well, I did let a snake bite me in an unexpected place.

-You mean...?

In the bath!

What a brilliant way of getting the facts across.

-I'm seriously impressed.

-Well, what can I say?

We can be seriously impressive, Miss.

BELL RINGS

Ooh! Actually, I wonder if I can persuade you to do it again.

We've got some potential sponsors coming tomorrow and this is

exactly the kind of thing I'd like to show them.

Eh...I don't think so, Miss.

Of course, no problem!

Great!

-What? That went down well?

-Yeah, to your freaky mates. No offence.

ELI BARKS

This is a whole different thing.

# I don't usually volunteer for extra work

# But a little extra work wouldn't hurt

# I don't care about Henry VIII, Genghis Khan

# Ancient Egyptians or Joan of Arc

# Or prancing around like a major doughnut

# But you know what? This is my chance to grow up

# Step up and rewrite history, make up for the volcano incident

# Spend time with Polly, practise our sketch

# Get it right, prove to her I'm the man, I'm the best

# And I'm not the idiot that she thinks I is... I am!

# No, I'm not, man, you get the gist

# I can't do this, Nero's an idiot

# We've got history - it's all hideous

# Last time messed up my presentation

# And made me look a right fool in front of the school

# Not doing that again

# Can't let him lead me astray

# Leave my schoolwork in disarray

# You have to learn from history, can I rewrite history?

# History repeats itself

# But you can learn from the past and change your destiny

# What if the sketch goes horribly wrong

# I get dropped out of class with the 4 o'clock-sters

# OK, so the first one went well

# And, yes, I enjoyed myself

# And maybe Nero's not a fool, I guess sometimes he's kind of cool

# Is it worth a try, should I give him a chance? I don't know!

# Put on a good show, who knows what we're in for

# More shows, bowing down to an encore

# Polly throwing her arms round the prince

# Lost in my eyes and she gives me a...

# Wait, wait, wait!

# So you can't change history

# And things might turn out terribly

# But we can turn change our destiny

# Make this go successfully

# And the beauty is, future's a mystery

# If we just get this right, it could be heavenly

# History repeats itself

# But we can learn from the past and change your destiny. #

Look, Polly, just accept it, you wrote something really good,

so let's just show everyone, OK?

-Well... Thanks.

-Yes! Great. OK, I think that we should...

What? You all right?

I've got to scratch.

-It's slang for "go". Cool slang.

-Wait!

If we do this, we have to do it properly.

We write, rehearse, spend all our spare time on it.

-Yeah, absolutely, I agree.

-Starting now.

HIGH-PITCHED: No. See ya!

All right?

No. I was talking to Polly, everything was jokes, and then boom.

-Itch.

-I did say if you didn't manage your stress levels, you'd get ill.

Yeah, that really chilled me out - NOT.

Is there any way you could go home, get an early night? Relax.

Oh, we can't just go on calling them "this one" and "that one".

-We have to register the births by tomorrow.

-Hi.

Erm, well, you like the names Albert and Faraday, right?

-Why don't we call them that?

-OK.

-Which one looks like an Albert?

-Erm...

No food, is it? Standard.

Dexter!

All this drama is making me ill, you know.

-I'm going to get stress rash.

-Cereal, here.

Sorry.

So, Faraday and Albert...

Good, right, yes. I think maybe this one looks more like an Albert.

What do you think?

Yeah, that little mouth just screams out Albert Baker-Harris.

-So, we're agreed.

-Yeah. Why don't I go and register the names tomorrow?

-You could have a nice rest.

-Great idea. Starting now.

-Sorry.

-Oh, yeah? For what? Shouting at me, me having to give up my room?

-Or me not getting any sleep, ever?

-All of it.

The shouting, the room, the sleep.

The fact Lizzie used your rucksack as a nappy bag.

-You what?

-I'm not doing a very good job, am I?

Oh, come on, stop being lame, you'll get the hang of it.

I can't tell them apart.

-The twins.

-Course you can, you loser. Shut up.

Nope.

-OK, well, we can fix this. Which one did Lizzie say was Albert?

-That one.

So keep him on the left, always. That way you will know.

Like Ant and Dec.

-That's genius.

-Yep, that's me.

OK, Albert, Faraday, time for a little feed, guys.

Now, where is your milk? Where is your special bottle of Mummy's milk?

Where's your...?

Ohhh! Ew-ew-ew!

Hmm.

KNOCK ON DOOR

OWEN STUTTERS

Excuse me, what's going on? N-No.

HE SIGHS

Oh, so I see you have made yourself at home.

You said I was welcome any time, fam.

Yes, I meant for a cup of tea,

I didn't think you are going to move in.

Anyway, I thought this was supposed to go once I came here.

Well, it's only been one night,

the effects of stress can take weeks to wear off.

Right, well, I have Googled all your symptoms,

and it is pretty clear that...

..it could be a number of different things.

There's only one thing for it, mate.

You're going to have to let the donkey see the carrot.

-What, you mean...?

-Yeah, let's have a look.

Eh...

OK, I...

-ALL:

-Whoa-whoa-whoa!

My eyes.

Take a picture of the affected area and we will take a look.

Oh, yeah, that's a much better idea.

-What's this?

-Now you're back in my room, I've drawn up some rules.

It's not YOUR room.

-Possession is nine tenths of the law.

-See, now I'm stressed too.

Come to think of it, I'm properly itchy too.

Me too, I feel like my skin has got the wiggles.

- You're not really itchy,

it's just all in your head, just ignore it and it will go away.

HE SIGHS

ELEESHA GROANS

Nargh!

Here you go.

No, I don't want them to see my private property!

-I'll describe it to you. Imagine...

-Stop, no!

I don't want them to hear it either.

All right, look, I'll do some research, find out...

What am I supposed to do then?

I have to rehearse with Polly, I can't do that if I'm

doing this every five minutes.

I know - superglue your hands into your pockets.

Like, one hand on your hip, one hand in your pocket.

More casual, like...

OR you could just go to the chemist and buy some cream.

Today is a good day.

We're on time for our appointment, you're not crying,

I'm not crying.

HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE

HE MIMICS TYRES SCREECHING

And, I even know which one of you is which. Go, team.

HE HUMS A TUNE

-So, Faraday is on the left...

-Dexter Harris?

-Yep.

Oh, you couldn't do me a favour, could you?

-I just need to pop to the loo.

-No worries.

I'll wait here with these two.

I've been up all night making my baby gift. What do you reckon?

-It's lumpy.

-It's handmade.

All those tiny little imperfections

just show how unique and special it is.

How about those giant, gaping holes?

-Cooie!

-Ventilation.

Brilliant. Where's the other one?

Well, I only had time to make one.

But they're twins, they've got to learn to share, ain't they?

You're not really going to give them that?

Nah, I've got to sew this on first.

-SIGHING:

-Tragic.

There you go, love.

Nice bit of cream. Just spread it thinly on the...

-Yep, bye now.

-If it is an allergy,

you should notice a reduction in the itching in, ooh, one to two hours?

Thanks, I've really got to go.

But you still need to root out the...

Yep, I hear you!

-.. or you'll just keep getting itchy buttocks!

-Thank you, bye!

There, there.

-Oh, no, no, you've moved them!

-They were grizzling.

Thought I should do something, I hope that was OK.

# No, it's not OK, nothing's OK

# Just when I thought things were going my way

# Had these two babies presented to me

# And I don't even have a name for their face

# Or which kid is which, I'm feeling quite shamed

# Somebody show me the door to escape

# I can't admit the truth to the registrar

# Want to bury my head in the mud

# No, it's not OK, nothing's OK

# Things just don't look like they're going my way

# I've got an itch that's not going away

# Why did this have to happen today?

# I was trying to make a good impression

# But I'm scratching my bum every second

# I just wish I had broken a leg

# At least that's something I could have said

# Got two babies that I can't imadge

# Like a favour that you can't cash

-BOTH:

-# It's like an itch that you can't scratch

# And it's not OK, no, it's not OK

# And it's not OK, I don't know twin from twin

# But they're not quadruplets, only two of them

# So statistically speaking, I'm fine

# 50% chance of getting it right

# And of getting it wrong, and Lizzie will hate me for evermore

# And the kids will never forgive me

# When they grow up and learn of their history

# But for now, I've just got to man up

# Name them and hope that I don't get mixed up

# None of this carelessness, need to fix up

# Babies depending on me to be tough and robust

# OK, I've messed this one up

# I'm going to name them and keep fingers crossed

# Who knows? It might just work out how I want

# Trust in my instincts and pull this one off

# Got two babies that I can't imadge

# Like a favour that you can't cash

# It's like an itch that you can't scratch

# And it's not OK, no, it's not OK... #

And this baby's name is?

Uh... Albert. This one's Albert.

Probably.

-How'd it go?

-Nightmare. Seriously, I can't think

of anything more horrifically embarrassing.

Hey, Nero. What you doing?

Everything OK?

NERO MUMBLES NERVOUSLY

Yeah. Everything's fine.

-He's just getting some cream for his itchy...

-Beard!

Beard?

Yes, my beard. It grows fast.

And then I have to shave it.

And then I need moisturiser, which I get - from the chemist.

Right. So... rehearsals? Got any time now?

Oh, no. But look, hey, what you doing in...

one to two hours?

Thank you so much,

and if we needed to change their names for some reason...

That would be very hard. This is a matter of public record.

Right, yeah, of course. So, just to recap, we called this baby...

-Faraday.

-Right, can I just borrow this?

-I just need to make a note.

-That's permanent marker!

-Brilliant, it will stay on for ages.

-Eh, Mr Harris!

-All right then.

-Oh!

-Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

Let me just...

Oh!

That works. So Fara-day is covered in red spray,

and Albert is nert. Thanks again.

-Hopefully that cream will help.

-Yeah.

And if not, someone is bound to know what's up when they see that photo.

-What are you talking about?

-Good morning, everybody.

I've called this special assembly to discuss something very serious.

Somebody has sent an indecent image of an intimate part

of their anatomy to a large number of other pupils.

PUPILS GASP AND CHATTER

-You sent it to everyone?

-Oh, relax.

I can't relax, you're going to make the stress itch come back, Eli.

Come BACK? So it's gone?

The cream worked. I have to find Polly.

We've got a presentation to rehearse.

You know, at my last school, we all make copies

and sent them to the headmaster. I broke the photocopier.

Because I was sitting on it, not because I've got a horrible...

-Mr Nunn.

-All right?

-We were just talking about that photo.

-Uh. Terrible, isn't it?

It's a bit itchy, that's for sure.

Well, I'm glad you feel so strongly about it, Graham,

-because I'm actually looking for somebody to investigate.

-Eh?

Some potential sponsors are visiting this morning and we really

do need to make a good impression.

So, I want the culprit identified and disciplined.

Hang on, I can't just...

I knew you were the man for the job.

HE SIGHS

Eughhhh.

Yuck.

Your sister's never going to speak to you again

if you get her babies that.

No, Lizzie is going to love it.

Yeah, if by "love" you mean "vom all over herself".

Look, come round her flat tonight and witness

-the eternal hat gratitude.

-You're on, Baker.

Hello.

-How the go?

-Good, I think.

Here's...Faraday.

Hello, Faraday.

Did you have a good day with your Da-Da?

-You all right?

-Yeah. Just fine.

-You don't mean...?

-In the bath.

LAUGHTER

-You were amazing.

-I suppose you weren't completely awful.

Just between us, that young man is one of our more challenging pupils.

I like to credit the caring and supportive environment

we've tried to create at Elmsmere with steadily raising his standards.

All right, own up, who's the phantom booty snapper? Is this you?

Is this you? Is this you?!

Sir, you could get in serious trouble for showing me that.

Don't talk to me about rules, I AM the rules!

Yeah(!)

Sorry about that. THIS is what we are dealing with.

But don't worry, I've got things under control.

Right, well, where were we?

-BABYISH VOICE:

-Don't you love your auntie? Don't you love your auntie?

Stop asking them, they're not going to answer.

Stupid. They're babies.

I'm off.

-See ya.

-LIZZIE:

-Bye, Nero.

Nero, wait up.

You know you don't have to move out. This is more your place

-than it is mine.

-Nah, you need the space.

-Where you going to put all that washing?

-It's just...

-It's the end of an era.

-I'm cool at Owen's.

Anyway, it's not forever,

it's just until you get sorted, innit?

And I'll be back for Sunday dinner, and washing,

and pocket money and stuff.

-OK.

-Bring it in, man.

Speaking of pocket money, you couldn't...? You know, for the bus.

DEXTER SIGHS DEEPLY

Well, at least I've still got you, Albert and Faraday.

SHE SOBS

What'd I say?

What'd I say?

HE EXHALES

-What's up?

-I can't tell the twins apart.

-Oh.

-That's why it took me so long naming them,

I was trying to figure out which one was which.

-But I can't.

-I can't tell them apart either.

-Really?

-Oh, that's brilliant!

-I know, but...

here's the thing.

We do need to get their names right from now on, now it's official.

What are we going to do?

-Well, I was going to write them on in permanent marker.

-Great idea.

But the registrar wouldn't let me.

-Stupid registrar.

-But then I spilled red drink all over Faraday's bib.

So we just need to keep Faraday dirtier than Albert.

Plan.

This is just another reason why I'm such a good auntie. Proactive, see?

-Seen a dirty bib, changed it.

-Which one had the dirty bib on?

Eh...that one?

-Or was it that one?

-Well, it was definitely one of them.

It was helping me tell them apart!

You can't tell them apart? You people are well terrible parents.

Now how will we know which one is Albert and which one is Faraday?

Erm...Faraday?

BABY GURGLES

He knows his name!

Faraday.

BABY GIGGLES

Oh! You clever little chap.

I'd just like to give you a very special gift.

Oh. Thank you, sis.

Wow.

Brilliant.

This is just what we need.

Have you gone blind in your eyes?

You wanted a horrible hat?

It's not a horrible hat. Look, guys, look what Amber made.

Handmade, see? Can't go wrong.

And that's the kettle. Tea-time.

Your sister is well weird.

I don't want none of that tea.

Aww. Clever little Faraday. You're not so bad either, Albert.

Faraday.

BABY GIGGLES

-Violin.

-BABY GIGGLES

Potato. Hovercraft?

CHATTERING AND GIGGLING CONTINUES

-So which one is which?

-Not a word.

We get so distracted by the babies, our tea is always going cold.

This tea cosy is such a good idea.

Yeah, I'm going to take this down. Spray up some graffiti.

No, you are not.

-Probably going to get some decks, you know.

-Nice.

Does it have any juice?

Oh, sorry, how rude, let me show you.

Oh, the world, my friend, is getting better.

-What you doing here?

-Come to get some of your cream, haven't we?

Hand it over, pimples.

We're proper itchy.

I've told you guys, the itching is all in your mind.

Yeah, well, my mind must be living somewhere other than my head then.

Cos my cheeks are proper burning.

-Hey, Polly.

-Hey, Eli.

I just got a text from my mum, it's about you, Nero.

Ah. Wanting to hear about my excellent performance today?

No, it's about your bum.

She's the chemist, she met you earlier.

I showed her the photo that Eli sent me of your rash,

and she's been cross-referencing it.

-She reckons it's flea bites.

-Flea bites?

-Yeah.

Been in contact with any animals recently,

bought any second-hand furniture?

-ALL:

-Ahh!

I'm so, so sorry.

What?

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

# But what no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #