Chair 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

They said they'd get back by today.

Oh, stop going on about your festival.

I've got divorce papers to deliver.

-Now, just watch my back.

-Just so you know,

I'm not fighting your wife's new boyfriend.

You don't have to fight him.

Just keep him at bay while I deliver the papers.

He's had it in for me ever since I called him a shaven-headed gorilla.

Unbelievable.

My massage chair!

Well, don't just stand there! Help me!

"Superhead: Education My Way by Crispin Bell."

-My books!

-When did you write a book?

Well, in my heyday, obviously.

I'm not going to write a book about my life now,

except as a horror story.

Hey. What you doing?

Tony says you're not allowed in the house.

I'm not in the house. Daddy's just rifling through Mummy's skip.

This is your kid?

This is Crispin Junior.

Don't call me that. It's CJ.

I'm going to get Tony.

Don't you dare.

Crispin, I forbid you to go and get that gorilla.

Tony!

Quick, get the stuff!

Tony!

My books!

He's coming! Run!

Gah!

You never mentioned having a kid.

Well, I suppose you just never think to talk about them.

CARAVAN RATTLES

That's either a heavy-duty massage chair or Bell's got a poltergeist.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, poltergeists don't exist!

Begone, unclean spirit!

Go into the light!

It went into the light.

Oi! You can't keep a vibrating caravan on school premises.

It's my massage chair.

Well, get rid of it.

-That's a health and safety nightmare right there.

-Fine.

You take it to the office until I decide what to do with it.

Did you not just hear what I said

-about an international urban arts festival?

-Yeah, so?

You're not the only one going.

What? You're going?

You can't dance.

Maybe I can. Maybe I'm a brilliant dancer.

Maybe I'm better than you.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah. Very funny. Very funny.

Hilarious.

No-one's better than me.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, what?

'Sorry, is that Crispin Bell?'

I'm Anthea Dean Jones from the Aspiration Free School.

'I read your book last night and'

we're looking to appoint a visionary headmaster

and I wondered if you would be available today

for a few of us to drop by, see you in action?

That is, of course, if you don't mind being headhunted.

# I can't begin to tell you how life's been

# Pretty rotten, I've been lost in a whirlwind

# With no house, no money, no girlfriend

# Lost all my pride, hoped the world would end

# A caravan tramp sneaking to the boys' toilets

# To wash my pungent armpits in the morning

# And every day is like an earthquake

# When these horrible little brats give my home a shake

# And it's safe to say it's all been humiliating

# But now it's finally turning around

# The table's turning and I'm earning my crown

# It's time for a change and that change is now

# I can't believe it's turning round

# Turning round, turning round, around

# Good grief! It's turning around

# Round and round and round

# I'll go from a hobo to a head

# A table to a bed

# Bankrupt to boss instead

# When I wrote that masterpiece I knew I was a winner

# A driven go-getter, but now it's getting better

# I can't believe it's turning round

# Good grief, it's turning around

# Na-na-na-na-na, aha, around

# I can't believe that it's turning round

# Turning round, turning round, around

# Good grief! It's turning around

# Round and round and round

# I've got to plan right so nothing goes wrong

# Turn things around, I shan't fail now

# I can't mess up if I'm the king with a crown

# I've got to turn it all around. #

Today? That's wonderful.

Fantastic. Yeah. See you then.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

I fed Tony's stamp collection to the dog.

Mum says I have to live with you now.

Don't tell me you live in this toilet.

Morning, Harris. Dexter.

So I hear you've got some of your musos into a festival this summer.

Nice little holiday for a few teachers, I reckon.

Looking after the kids.

It's really about the performance.

Yeah, sure it is(!)

Sure you'll be spending all your time at some poxy arts festival.

Say no more. So, have you decided who you're taking yet?

Look, Graham, the thing is,

I've already got all the volunteers I need, so...

I see. Spare me your excuses, Harris.

I don't need you to get me a free holiday anyway.

Two can play at that game.

All right, if you're such a sick dancer,

let me see some of your moves.

Like those, you mean?

This isn't a dance. I need the bog.

OK, let's start off with something real simple. Real simple, OK?

Hey! What?

OK, now you do it.

Was that too easy?

OK, how about this, then?

Could your mother not even have called...?

CHILDREN COUGH

LAUGHTER

You two. Detention.

-Oh, man!

-But... But that's not fair.

Fine. Well, then, you can have a behaviour remark on your record.

And you can clear this up.

And when you've finished that, you can clean the whole school.

For a week!

You, come on.

Thanks(!)

Hey, did you see what I did back there?

No. You know what must have happened?

Must have been one of them split seconds

where I don't watch everything you do.

Ow! Don't flick me.

This is important. Listen.

I was over there, right next to that fire extinguisher,

but something told me I just had to get out of there.

-What, your bladder?

-Exactly.

It's like my body knew something bad was going to happen

and took me right out of the firing line, to the safety of the toilet.

You've got a psychic bladder.

Have you two completely lost it?

Don't diss my psychic bladder.

Yeah, Fleur, be careful.

Eli's only just started exploring his powers.

Who knows what he's capable of?

Unbelievable.

I don't want to go to this crummy school!

I don't want to live with you.

Well, we don't always get what we want.

Today is a big day for me.

I've got some important people coming to talk to me about a job.

What, as a snowman?

Look, how about I give you £5 to behave yourself?

Will that help?

I don't want your money.

Look, just stay out of trouble while they're here.

I need this.

And you don't need me, right?

# It's like my life's been turned upside down

# Why d'you think I walk around now with a frown?

# Used to be in a school with my crew at St Cuthbert's

# Till my mum pulled me out of a hood called the suburbs

# Stripped me out of school and moved me somewhere much worse

# Why'd you do it, Mum? Was it cos of the divorce?

# You can't afford school tuition, how's that my fault?

# Now I'm stuck in this hellhole

# I'm going to tear this place down

# Cos this ain't for me and it's plain to see that it's paining me

# I'm going to tear this place down

# Uh-huh, I'mma tear this place down

# Yeah, I'm going to tear this place down

# Now my mum sold the crib and left me with my dad

# He's a total loser, living in a caravan

# All my homies have gone and it isn't nice

# This new crib is a joke

# I can't live my life

# In this horrible dump with a chemical bog

# Zero chance they'd ever want to pimp my ride

# Dad couldn't care less if I look a right fool

# Right in front of all the kids in this wack school

# Now I'm feeling stuck and I can't be held

# I'll do whatever it takes just to get expelled

# There's no way that I'm falling face down

# I'm going to rise up and tear this place down. #

Good news, ladies and, um... gentleman. You have a new classmate.

-This is Cris...

-CJ.

They call me CJ.

Innit?

SHE GIGGLES

You three, introduce "CJ" here to the wonderful world of Elmsmere.

And make sure he doesn't get into any trouble.

HE MAKES FARTING NOISES

THEY LAUGH

HE CONTINUES FARTING NOISES

That was proper funny.

Whatever. I'm out of here.

Well, he seems nice.

We can't just let him go.

If he gets in trouble, Ding-Dong blames us.

Yeah, Darnesh. We've got to look after the new kid.

Hey, kid, you got to come back to class.

Why? I'm having jokes.

We've got to get out of here.

Crispin!

I recognise you from your book.

Sorry, were you going to...?

This? Oh, this?

Why would I be going into this thing? This is...

This is a toilet.

Where we store toilets.

Oh, listen to me!

Going on about school toilet stories when you've come all this way.

HE LAUGHS

Welcome. Shall we adjourn to my office?

Can I ask, why do you have that powder on you?

-Oh, this?

-Mm.

-This is just ordinary fire-retardant powder.

-Do the children try to set you on fire?

-Not yet.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Anyway, here we are.

Oh, but that says "deputy head". I understood you were the head.

-Did you?

-Yes.

Oh, of course. I mean, of course you did.

That's because I am the head.

I just thought that you might be interested in seeing this door.

Well, the head's office, my office, is actually this way.

-Crispin, I wonder if...

-On the other hand, perhaps

you'd like to see other instances of my leadership skills, this way.

I think you'll be... Quickly, hurry up!

I think you'll be very impressed with the way...

Argh!

-Oh, my goodness, Crispin, are you all right?

-Yes, I'm fine.

Oh, er, sorry, I should introduce myself.

No, no, no. No need for that.

-Helena Goodman, headteacher.

-Oh.

HE CHUCKLES

BELL RINGS

Isaac. How are you?

You're not feeling guilty that

you left a trolley full of toilet rolls in temptation's way?

Eh?

Good.

And I want you to know that you can always ask for help.

I don't want any.

Oh. Well...

Mr Bell has very kindly arranged

for Nero and Polly here to give you some support this week.

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have everything back under control

in no time at all.

Oh, no. You don't get the mop.

You get to clear up that lot.

Better get some rubber gloves.

Can you stop giving me the evils?

Stop glaring at you?

When I stop pulling things out of toilets because of you.

This ain't so bad, you know.

And it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't said you could dance.

I didn't say I could dance. Dexter wants me to sing at the festival.

We won't get to go after this anyway.

What?

Since when have kids with behaviour comments been banned from trips?

One of Mr Bell's new things.

No privileges for six weeks, you get a comment in your record.

Well, I guess I'd better set my record straight, then, hadn't I?

Yes!

Keep watch.

I will not keep watch.

Nero!

That's the school office.

Nero...

I'm going to tell.

Let's go cleaning, boys. Come on.

Let's sort this place out. It's a tip.

Down. Down!

Oh, yeah.

SHE SIGHS

You can let go now.

Now look what you've done. I'm an accomplice.

This will go on my school record.

No worries. I'll just tamper with it.

-Give it back.

-It won't take long.

Seriously, this is not...

No, don't touch it.

Whoa!

Crispin!

Get back to the caravan. School is out of bounds at this time...

Did you do this?

You don't care! You don't even want me here.

-Crispin!

-My name's CJ!

HE RUNS DOWNSTAIRS

Nero?

-What are we going to do about yesterday?

-Uh...

I'm talking about the...

Well, you stop talking about it before someone hears us.

No-one saw us. Relax. We got away with it.

Miss. What's happened?

Someone vandalised the school office last night.

What's that got to do with Isaac?

Get back to your classes, please.

The keys!

Aaliyah, I just wondered if you're still interested

in coming to the arts festival.

Oh, sorry, Dexter, I've said I'll do something else.

What's going on? You're the third person to drop out this morning.

Yeah, it's just...

Graham's got this inter-school sports trip to Barbados, so...

Nunn's doing a trip to Barbados? Since when?

Well, this morning, I think.

Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

I know what you're doing.

So I called a mate who teaches PE in Barbados.

I can't help it if your helpers would rather lie on a beach

than hang out at some Belgian prance-a-thon, can I?

You won't beat me. I'll get enough volunteers.

Will you?

-How would you like a trip to Belgium?

-Barbados! Come to Barbados!

Did you hear what happened to Isaac?

Oh, yeah, someone broke into the office and trashed it.

Someone - or something.

Think about it.

An office gets trashed behind a locked door.

No normal kid could have done that.

It's almost like it was someone with...

Special powers!

Just what I was thinking!

No, no, no. Don't say it.

Your evil bladder.

You're right. My psychic guts are out of control!

I think you need to confess before anyone else gets hurt.

Nero, we can't just blame Isaac.

They could sack him.

And you think I'd just let that happen? Come on.

-I guess we'll just have to say it was both of us.

-Us?

It was not us! It was you.

I was trying to stop you.

So you just want me to take the rap, then?

I want you to tell the truth.

That's all.

Just leave out the part where I was there.

Please, it's just supervising kids abroad.

I know you'd be brilliant.

I am a child.

I can't be legally responsible for my peers.

Get a grip, Mr Harris.

Get a grip.

Just seen Goodman.

My return to work is now written in stone.

Are you OK?

Not unless we can get the twins to supervise a Belgian field trip.

Dexter, this trip - it's on my work days. Tuesday and Wednesday.

I told you.

You can't go. You're doing the childcare.

-But...

-Dex.

Can I have a word? It's about the office getting trashed.

If you've got any info, take it to Mrs Goodman.

She'll make sure they get expelled.

Expelled?

It's breaking and entering. Of course they'll get expelled.

# What? What? Am? Am? I? I?

# Gonna? Gonna? Do? Do?

# Wanted to hit the trip so I broke the rules

# I stole the keys trespassing in the room

# Changed some records and for the record I'm such a fool

# Isaac getting moved for something he didn't even do

# Should I confess? If I confess then I'll be ridiculed

# Getting expelled, arrested right in the school

# Everybody looking at me like some imbecile

# I'm stuck between a rock and a bad place

# Any direction ends in disgrace

# I'll lose it all, even my fan base

# No escape from a rock and a bad place

# This is awful

# Broken the rules

# I never thought I'd learn to know what that feels like

# I've never even broken a nail, now I've knocked over shelves,

# Like some lawless criminal

# I can't blame it all on Johnson

# I was there too with a guilty conscience

# Nero's used to being in the bad books

# He can take the rap and he can add it to his antics

# Is that right, though?

# To let him take the blame while I get off scot-free?

# Is that really me? Is that right, though?

# To let him take the blame while I get off scot-free?

# What do you do when you're stuck?

# Do you just give up or do you let someone else take the rap?

# Like black, never that

# I'm Neville to the Johnson

# I'm like Sherlock to a Watson and I'm down to solve a problem

# I got it stuck, get it unstuck

# Like grease, I ain't staying in between a rock and a bad place

BOTH: # I'm stuck between a rock and a bad place

# Any direction ends in disgrace

# And I don't want to be disgraced

# No escape from a rock and a bad place

# I'm stuck between a rock and a bad place

# Any direction ends in disgrace

# And I ain't going to be disgraced

# Got to escape from a rock and a bad place. #

-What are you doing?

-Change of plan.

I'm going to get Isaac off without dropping anyone in it.

Nice toilet stunt yesterday.

Believe! This school ain't seen nothing like me.

I'm going to tear this place to the ground!

Hey! Turkey Twist.

I heard Ding-Dong's your dad.

No... No, he ain't.

So how come you've got the same name as what he's got?

What? Mr Bell?

I'm CJ, innit?

Yeah, for Crispin Junior.

And I heard you went to some swotty private swot school

for private swots.

Yeah? Well, I heard you went to a pig farm for a brain upgrade.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Well, I heard you went to a something for a whatever,

and all you got was a thing.

Suck it up, posh boy!

I ain't posh! I'm this school's nightmare!

-You know who trashed that office last night?

-Ssh!

That was me!

Well, a free holiday to Barbados

and a public confession from the deputy head's son.

Could this day get any better?

Come on, Crispin. I'm going to enjoy this.

I'm so pleased that you gave me another chance...

Crispin, I wonder if...

Oh! Hello again.

This is Anthea.

I believe you met very briefly yesterday.

We're interested in headhunting Crispin.

Oh, gosh.

How exciting.

Well, I wonder if I might borrow him for a minute, if you don't mind?

Of course.

Well...

HE CHUCKLES

Ah. A disciplinary matter.

A room was vandalised and, um...

-was the only one with the key.

-I never done nothing.

Bizarre. Well, looks like we'll never find out who was the culprit,

-so might as well leave it at that.

-Come on, you. Get in there.

Got a bit of news for you lot about the office getting smashed up.

How about we leave that for another time?

Mrs Mop here didn't have anything to do with it.

It was me.

I did it. I smashed up the room.

What?

Crispin, why?

Why?

That's a good question.

Um...

The divorce has been very difficult

and I needed to take my frustration out on something,

so I chose some shelves.

Thank you for your time, Crispin.

I... I think I've seen enough.

I'll just...

-No...

-Dad, stop.

I know you're trying to help but it was me.

I trashed the office.

-This school's rubbish. Just expel me.

-Oh, dear!

You finding something amusing, Graham?

Just enjoying the show, mate.

Well, maybe you'd enjoy me cancelling

your ridiculous Barbados trip.

What? But you can't! I've already booked my penthouse.

Oh, dear!

I've got a confession! It was me who trashed the office.

I have an evil psychic bladder. I need help!

THUMPING AND RATTLING

Was your chair in here last night when the office got vandalised?

I said that thing's a health and safety nightmare!

See? We framed a chair. No-one got busted. Everything's frosty.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

I have to admit, that was pretty sweet.

See? You stick with me, you'll learn how to play by our rules.

Nero, Polly.

-What are you two doing out of lessons?

-Hey, Dexter.

We were just...

We were just, you know...

..getting some extra practice in before the festival.

# La la la la la... #

-The festival's off, I'm afraid. Double booked.

-What?

Sorry, Nero. Twins come first.

Now, get back to lessons.

And, guys...

behaviour comment for both of you.

For lying to a teacher and bunking off class.

I really need to keep away from you.

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

# But when no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about

# Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #