Gig 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

# 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock. #

Oi! Moon man.

What's with the life jacket?

This? It's part of the uniform.

I've got a job working at The Arena.

-The Arena?

-Yeah.

It's where all the cool new bands play.

So, you...probably wouldn't have heard of them.

Why does she always rise to me?

Maybe because you always act like a massive idiot around her?

-That is a fair point.

-You should ask her to a gig.

We've got all types of new cool bands playing.

The Vikings, there's The Splutters...

The Splutters?

Yeah, they're sort of, pop meets turbo-folk, with elements

of post-grunge and...

Not you again.

Oh, come on. Look, I know you think I'm a chump

because I botched up your volcano display.

-And gave me fleas.

-Yeah.

That's actually right.

But I do want to make it up to you, by taking you to a gig.

What? Some stupid rapper like Jazzy Jay or ASAP Whatshisface?

No. The Splutters.

The Splutters, really?!

-Course. They're my favourite band.

-What's your favourite album?

I think...it would have to be...

-their last one.

-Me, too.

OK, cool, so I'll meet you tomorrow outside The Arena.

One o'clock?

I can't believe you got a ticket. I thought they'd sold out weeks ago.

HE SIGHS

Why do no girls ever want to go out with me?

Do you want a full explanation or just the edited highlights?

Move it, Harry Potter!

Me glasses! They're broken.

What am I going to do?

I'm supposed to referee a chip fight later.

Chillax, Goober. I know someone who can fix them.

Thanks, Amber!

This is Amber, innit?

I've got no marking this evening. How do you fancy helping

your old dad do a jigsaw puzzle?

Bog off! I'm your son.

I'm not your mate.

If you're lonely...

..get a dog.

Oh, touche!

That's my boy.

Always ready with the witty one-liner.

In that respect, you are very much like your mother.

They're busted.

He knows that, you spoon!

What are you going to do about it?

-This...

-Oi, Rogers. I thought I told you to mop up that sick

-in the showers.

-I already did it.

-Some of it must have bubbled back up

-the plughole.

-Hello, Mr Nunn!

-Who's that?

Eugh. I don't like it. His eyes are too small.

Now, come on, I've got these Year 10s next and they pong like

a barnful of goats.

But what about my glasses?

I'll do it later.

-How am I supposed to see where I'm going?

-Come on.

Ooh, I could get used to this.

Crispin.

I do hope you don't think I'm intruding,

but there's a single parent group meeting in the hall at lunchtime.

The Broken Biscuits.

And they are looking for new members, so...

I suggested you.

That's very kind of you, but CJ and I are getting on.

He's such a practical joker.

Of course, it's more for their sake, really.

They are terribly mum-heavy.

I know that they'd just love to have a dad join them.

Someone manly, capable,

to give the ladies a bit of support.

-Well, I suppose I could...

-Excellent!

One o'clock, in the hall.

Oh, and Crispin...

..there's no shame...

..in asking for help.

And I was like, "Lady, is it hot in here or is that microwave

"leaking dangerous levels of radiation?"

Darnesh, we're up here.

Oh. I wondered why you weren't telling me to shut up, like normal.

I told you we shouldn't have left him in the lunch queue by himself.

That's where you're wrong.

Cos I asked out by a stunning lass, by the chips.

-She asked me on a date.

-Who is this mystery woman?

-I don't know.

-You don't know who asked you out?

I can't see, can I?

But I'll find out at Chickentastic tomorrow at three.

Chickentastic?!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't want any other lonely, single ladies

getting any ideas.

-I've got them.

-What?

Splutters' gig. All ages show tomorrow afternoon.

-You can always trust your old pal Eli.

-How?

I called in some favours. I'm, kind of a big deal in showbiz now.

The other day, I rubbed shoulders with the lead singer from

-The Kryptonites, while I was having a widdle.

-Better not be hoaxing me.

Me? When have I ever let you down?

So, how did you find it?

Well, I must say, I had my doubts,

but it's been wonderful to meet everyone.

Parenthood can be so very lonely.

-Hello!

-Ah, Mr Nunn. Everything all right?

-It is now.

What are you up to, you cheeky devil?

Erm...Broken Biscuits. A single parent support group.

Lovely bunch of girls.

-Bye, Sharon. See you tomorrow.

-Bye!

-When's the next meeting?

-Tomorrow. We're going crazy golfing.

Well, strap yourself in, cos now you've got competition from someone

-who knows his way around a bunker.

-I'm sorry...it's parents only.

If you haven't got a child, you can't come.

You want ME to pretend to be your son?

You know, for a dork, you're pretty slow to catch on.

But I've got Scouts tomorrow.

I'm meant to be doing my fire safety badge.

Listen, Garland, you can either come crazy golfing with me

or I'm making you prop forward for the rugby team.

You'll be like a bruise, with hair.

# Feel like I've been bamboozled

# By Mr Nunn, what a rude dude

# And now he wants me to be his son

# He'll make me run until I puke

# Make me build muscles against my will

# He'll have me doing push-up drills

# Arm wrestles and other ghastly things of that nature

# Sweating in the heat from manual labour

# Worse than ever is an understatement

# I'm underrated Handsome, gracious

# Still untaken Don't know how kids do independent

# See those gremlins in PE lessons Last thing I want is one at home

# But I wouldn't mind a lass to call my own

# But women these days are a bit of a joke

# They don't want a man that hunts wild buffalo

# Tussles with lions and fights in wars, in drawstring shorts

# With a slice of pizza and a joypad, fighting off minotaurs

# All from the comfort of my own sofa

# They want a kind and caring joker Not me, but I'll have to be

# The world's best pretend dad in history

# I'm a different breed A clever kid with a cool manner

# Shame my dad's a spanner

# What's he thinking? He's not my best mate

# Sending me texts with slang to get me to like him more

# He's still my dad I can't write him off

# But there's no chance him playing crazy golf

# He's got no idea what's going on.

# What's going on? How are you, son?

# Is he strange? No, you know how kids are these days

# Blank you at breakfast Dislike hugs

# Throw away the markings you did over summer

# Leave a fake poo on your evening supper

# Just a strange way of saying, "I love ya!"

# A chillax, as father and son Will make him appreciate

# What I've done

# Me and my dad not a great match

# Me and CJ, we're a right team!

# Mr Nunn's the most worst-spec dad

# Sons wish they had dads like me. #

-So?

-Do I have any choice?

-Eh, no.

-Then, yes.

-Yes, Dad.

-Yes, Dad.

-Terrific.

See you tomorrow....Son.

Oi, Woggle, what were all that about?

He's making me pretend to be his son, so he can take me down

the crazy golf course and impress a bunch of women

-he doesn't even know.

-What time?

Tomorrow, after lunch.

We're not doing anything tomorrow. We'll come.

Please don't.

See you then, Doughnut!

This is a living nightmare.

Thanks!

Wait! Are you sure this is a good idea?

Why?

Think about it. The girl you're smooching tomorrow

has only seen you without your glasses.

So? If she likes him, she'll like him with or without glasses on.

I mean, she's obviously got pretty weird taste, anyway.

Yeah, but do you really want to risk it?

This could be your only chance of a date...forever.

You're right.

-Barefaced and lovely, it is.

-Good decision.

Well, don't blame me when you trip over the tablecloth

-and set the whole place on fire.

-She's got a point.

-How am I going to see where I'm going?

-We'll help you.

Oh, great - the perfect Saturday(!)

You'll like it. There's loads of other kids with single parents.

-You'll have loads in common.

-No, I won't.

They all got rid of their dad.

I'm still stuck with mine.

Ha-ha!

Greetings, fellow Dad.

What are you doing here?

Just spending some quality time with the beloved fruit of my lions.

Yes. What a treat.

-Oh, they're terrible at this age, aren't they?

-I hate you.

-I hate you, Dad.

-OK, Biscuiteers, everyone on the Biscuit Barrel Bus.

-This seat's taken.

-He is such a card.

He gets that from me.

Chocolate raisin?

I can't believe I'm really seeing The Splutters!

The actual Splutters.

Sorry! I'm a bit over-excited.

Hi, I've got two tickets to see The Splutters.

My best mate Eli said he'd leave them behind the counter.

My boy wouldn't let me down.

There's nothing here.

I'm Nero Johnson and she's Polly Morgan.

Nero and Polly?

Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry. We've been waiting for you.

Come right this way.

Two crazy guys loose on a crazy golf course.

-What can go wrong? Am I right?

-Don't touch me.

-Sorry.

First, I'll take a visit to the little boys' room. Nature calls.

-How old is he?

-Eh, ten. 12.

16?

-They grow up so fast!

-They certainly do. Are you going to beat your dad

-at golf today?

-Eh...

-No chance. I'm buff and he's a wimp.

I think you'll find those guns skipped a generation, love.

Everybody off, so we can lock up your valuables.

We don't want The Broken Biscuit Van getting broken into.

-The irony!

-Actually, it's not irony. It's simply misfortune,

which is very different, as any linguist will tell you.

Oi, shut it, son!

Careful. Mind the step.

-Where's your dad?

-Oh...I dunno.

I...think he's gone in.

BANGING

I'm in here, in the toilet!

And this...

is the VIP area.

Did you hear that? We're VIPs!

Course you are. You're hanging with me, innit?

You can help yourself to any of the drinks or snacks.

Thank you!

Nero, how did you wangle this?!

You know, I've got contacts.

Oi, oi, how's my boy?

Thank you so much, Eli! I owe you big time.

De nada. I had a word with the band and they said yes, straightaway.

-How come?

-You know how last year at the school dance,

you thought Katy was dying and you were really nice to her,

even though she's a total nightmare? Well, I thought, why not do the same

thing? I told them Polly only had six weeks left to live.

-You told them Polly's dying?

-Oh, and if anyone asks,

she was bitten by a poisonous snake in Borneo.

A snake?!

Are you serious?

Well, you know what they say,

if you're going to tell a lie, go for a big one.

Anyway, I'll catch you later. I've got to bleach the backstage bogs!

Showbiz, eh?!

Oh, dear!

Right, Son, ready for a fun day of healthy father-son bonding?

(You muck this up and I will destroy you!)

-Why are you here?!

-Enjoying the show!

Oh, all right, thank you for turning up to witness my abject humiliation.

CLICKING

No, no, no, no, no! No photos.

-Having fun?

-Yeah, it's good for Owen's confidence. He's quite weird.

He gets that from his mum. It's not me. I'm normal.

So, Scout, are you ready to tee off?

Off you go, Spud Job.

Daddy's waiting!

GIRLS GIGGLE

CLICKING

What are you doing?

Well, I've never played crazy golf before but I assume that the

first step is to calculate the shot angle, perpendicular to the

sides, relative to the hole.

What?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fluke, absolute fluke. Get out of the way.

Watch how a real man dunks it.

Eye of the Tiger Woods.

Oi, watch it!

Not too bad. Maybe try just a bit less velocity on the swing.

I don't need any tips from you, dweebo.

He's a right little clever clogs, isn't he?

You know, sometimes I wish I'd had him adopted.

Guys, I've got some good news.

So I've spoken to the band and they'd really like to meet you.

The Splutters want to meet us?!

-Yeah.

-Oh!

-Ah!

That is awesome. But are you sure there's time?

They're probably mega busy spluttering or something.

No, no, they're never too busy to meet fans.

Especially fans as brave as you.

I'll just go and see if they're ready.

What does she mean, brave?

# Oh, man I say what am I going to do?

# I've got myself in a situation Now I look a fool

# Oh, dang Oh, man

# Front row tickets to her favourite band

# Told her I'm a fan

# How am I going to get out of this jam?

# Do you know what I mean it's the best band of all

# I've got all the pictures on my wall

# And I can't believe the day's arrived

# I get to meet them in real life Dream come true

# Nero, has he gone from zero to hero?

# I'm not sure yet

# But I feel swell

# Is Nero a hipster? Time will tell

# I'm not a hero or a hipster

# I look a conman or a trickster

# The only reason we're at the gig's cos the big fat lie got told

# To pull on the heartstrings of the band like guitar strings

# Not the plan Am I dancing with death?

# When Polly finds out she's supposedly dying

# Yet I'll be the one totally dead

# If you're going to tell a lie make it skyscraper sized

# Cos no-one ever said no to supersized vibes

# Nero should thank me for saving the day

# He could have crashed and burned and wasted away

# But thanks to my showbiz connections

# He'll be hanging out with real legends

# The Splutters will probably take him on tour

# Bet he won't have time for his mates any more

# Could I be wrong all along

# Did I make an assumption about Nero Johnson?

# Always in trouble, silly in class playing pranks with a funnel

# He's not a stranger to writing lines

# And he does the wrong thing all the time

# But if he's cool to the Splutters posse, then he's cool enough for me

# Polly, yikes, just look at her face

# When her smile turns to tears I'll be a disgrace

# So I can't tell the truth Eli's right

# If you're going to tell a lie Tell a big one, right? #

Polly?

I was given these tickets

because I saved the lead singer's dog from drowning.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I was just out walking, in the park, and I just saw him paddling

in the lake, doing his little doggy screams.

Woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo!

-Aww!

-So I jumped in, I pulled him right out.

I had to punch a swan.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

-Nero, that is brave.

-I know.

Just don't mention it in front of the band, OK?

I don't want them to think I've been bragging.

-Guys, the Splutters are ready to meet you.

-Yay!

-Oh! That's your fault, you were distracting me!

-No, I didn't.

Yes, you were. You've been trying

to make me look an idiot in front of all the fit mums.

I think you're doing a good enough job of that yourself, Dad.

SHE GIGGLES Oh, you think that's funny, do ya?

You didn't even get a bogey on the last hole!

Maybe you should sit the rest of the game out.

Look, I'm sorry, all right? I didn't mean it.

It's just...I've been feeling really sad since...

since his mum died in a...

a freak lighthouse accident.

She got caught in a storm at sea and... Oh, whatever!

You can carry on playing with us if you want?

Or do you want to sit with your dad?

-Nah, I think I'll stick with you, thanks.

-It's only your own dad!

-I wish I could disown my dad.

-Where is Ding Dong?

-MUFFLED:

-Hello!

Hello!

Guys, I've brought you some very special visitors.

Nero and Polly, meet the Splutters.

SHE GIGGLES

Sorry! I... I'm just so excited.

We're, like, your biggest fans, aren't we, Nero?

Oh, yeah. We...love you guys.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, sorry. I can't believe this is happening. I feel sick.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Here, have some water.

-This is the best day of my life.

-Aww.

-I mean it. Now I can die happy.

-Bless.

-Can we...take a photo?

-Of course.

CROWD CHANTS: Owen! Owen! Owen!

CHEERING

Congratulations, you've broken the course record.

-Thanks and I'd like to dedicate this award to my wonderful dad.

-Fix!

Wow. I'm going to put these on Instagram.

All my friends are going to be so jealous.

They told me I'd never make it.

Polly, you're the bravest, humblest person I've ever met.

Great story. Um, Polly, I think we should go.

You know, leave you guys to zhush up your fringes.

-Come on.

-Guys, sound check in two, yeah?

Wait! Here's a crazy idea.

Why don't you guys join us onstage

and sing backing vocals on our first song?

We'd love to, but, um, seriously, guys, Polly gets tired very,

very quickly and I've got a little bit of a croak throat, so...

-SHE SCOFFS

-So what?

I'd love to do it. It'd be amazing.

Polly...you're an inspiration.

Thanks but, like I said, it was Nero, really.

Can't believe he actually punched a swan to save...

-OK, OK, I'll see you later.

-See you. Bye, guys.

So here's how you're going to play it.

Your glasses are in your top pocket, but strictly for emergencies.

We'll be sat up by the counter.

-If you need any help, just give us a wink.

-Like this?

Maybe skip the wink.

This is the worst idea I've ever heard - and I've heard

Darnesh's idea for a TV quiz show for dogs.

It's almost time for your date to turn up. Come on.

# Ever since I took the spectacles off

# The look of love is a detectable force

# Look, I've even got smarter I use bigger words

# Yeah, I walk into people

# Tables and chairs

# Everyone I've knocked over says this new look suits you

# I replied, "Thanks a lot, whoever you are"

# I can't see much but I can see a future

# Of romance, roses and it looks super duper

# The look of love is in his eyes, the look of love

# I've got the look of love

# And you might feel the fire of the look of love

# The look of love is in his eyes, the look of love

# I've got the look of love

-# I've got the look of love

-Of love

# I've got the look, the look of love

# I guess I just wasn't born with that cool gene

# But since I've stopped me from being Mr Foolish

# Super smooth, no glasses, Darnesh type of dude

# Me chats are pretty lasting in the lunch queue

# Wearing a suit with shiny lapels

# No more dusty schoolwear if I want the girls

# I've got the look

# Of love

# That makes me gorgeous

# Ladies, sing the chorus

# The look of love is in his eyes

# The look of love

# Of love

# Of love

# What an awesome vision of how life could be

# I was blind as a bat but now I can see

# I've got to keep these glasses tucked away if I want to give

# The look of love to my date. #

CLATTER

Someone is coming.

DOOR PINGS

Evening, Milady. You look gorgeous.

Probably.

What can I get you?

Would it be some of...?

Forget it. I'm just going to put my glasses back.

BOTH SHRIEK

-Ingrid!

-Harry Potter!

-Why did you ask me out?

-Because I didn't recognise you looking normal.

-Why did you say yeah?

-Thought you were just a feisty blob.

-You better not tell anybody about this.

-Believe me, I ain't going to.

-Oh!

-Ah!

DOOR PINGS

Erm...girls!

I might need some help getting home.

BANGING

Let me out!

BANGING

Let me out!

Oh! Finally!

It's so dark in there - and the smell...

It's like bleach mixed with salami.

You all right, Dad?

One of those little hooligans locked me in the toilet. I don't know why

I expected any better of the children of broken homes.

Oh, well.

If it means anything, I had a really good day out.

Yeah, I've really enjoyed myself. Maybe we can do it again sometime?

Perhaps you could come home to tea with us tonight,

if your dad doesn't mind.

Where is he?

I need to close up now.

Wait, wait, I'm telling you, I can get a hole-in-one.

Just give me a chance, I can do it, I can do it! I'll prove it to you.

CHEERING

Thank you so much, Nero.

I mean it. I'm going to remember this moment until the day I die.

Yeah. Look, if you don't want to go on...

I totally understand.

'Now I'd like to welcome onstage two guests...'

CHEERING

'..Poppy and Nero.'

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We're so pleased and honoured to have you here.

Polly is a very special girl, aren't you, Polly?

Because earlier this year she was bitten by

a snake in Borneo and now she only has six weeks to live.

What?! No, I never!

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-I never!

AUDIENCE BOOS

I never.

You're sacked. You're banned from all Splutters' gigs forever.

And you...

I don't know what you are.

You're a disgrace.

-Thanks, Nero. Now my favourite band in the world hates me.

-Polly.

-No!

-Thanks, mate(!)

-It's all right.

-I was being sarcastic.

-Yeah, so am I.

I do you a favour and this is how you repay me.

I don't even know why I'm friends with you sometimes.

By the way, could you lend me £2.50 for the bus?

I left my wallet in that jacket.

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

# But what no-one understands them

# You know what they're on about

# Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #