Funeral 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

# You can dance

# You can jive

# Having the time of your life

# Ooh-ooh-ooh see doo, doo... #

Sports day.

# Digging the dancing queen. #

Excuse me, but I've got some PROPER teaching to do.

And there goes Bell, record-holder in the 100-metre sulk.

Where are the rest of these?

Ex-squeeze me?

The medals, there aren't enough for everybody.

Yeah, that's because they're just for the winners, love.

You're talking about rewarding a very small number of...

physically blessed, overly confident individuals.

Yeah.

-Well, what about everybody else?

-Now, steady on.

-I don't think...

-Let's involve more than just the obvious athletes,

-mix things up a bit.

-It's too late to mix things up a bit.

-It's this afternoon.

-You are a very capable teacher, Graham.

You can do whatever you put your mind to.

Like giving some of our less able candidates the chance to compete.

Good.

I had a dream last night that a big squirrel lived behind my wardrobe.

What do you think it means?

That we should hang out less.

Oh.

Steady on, sir.

Namby-pamby, new-fangled, liberal...

If you weren't so scrawny, you wouldn't be knocked down as much.

-Just saying.

-I'm not scrawny. I'm lean.

-Course you're scrawny.

You've got the physique of a sick heron.

Congratulations.

You're now competing at sports day, at the high jump.

You what, sir? He can't jump!

If I have to do this, I might as well have a laugh while I'm at it.

Right, in high jump, say I average a speed of 2K per hour.

That means max takeoff velocity is A...

which means a back bend of...

Owen.

Look, you don't want to do the high jump.

Just skive off.

Skive off?

# Rules are in place for a reason

# 'Tis the season to obey the teachers

# That's all seasons

# That's the way it is At least in my life

# Someone in charge says to jump I say, "How high?"

# Although I'm not the most sporting boy

# I probably couldn't jump over a Matchbox toy

# But none the less, Nunn said I must compete

# So I better respect his authority

# I have a problem that's all too high

# I can't fix with division nor multiply

# So, what's the conclusion?

# Rack my brain Can't find a solution

# Find a solution

# Give me algebra, trigonometry or physics

# Give me codes, riddles I'll solve them in five minutes

# I'll work out the square root of any number required

# Don't be surprised It's not rocket science

# So why does my brain always turn to mush

# When I have to jump, dance or do a cool look?

# Mum always said I had two left feet

# And playing by the rules still won't get me over the bar

# Is Nero right?

# Should I skive off or stay at home when it starts?

# That goes against everything that I stand for

# Ignoring the rules would be breaking the law

# I have a problem that's all too high

# I can't fix with division nor multiply

# So what's the conclusion?

# Rack my brain Can't find a solution

# Find a solution

# I have a problem that's way too tall

# Can't spell it, solve it or count at all

# So what's the conclusion?

# Rack my brain Can't find a solution

# Find a solution

# When has Nero ever been right?

# Looking back I just can't remember a time

# But perhaps on this singular occasion

# Skiving is the answer to my equation

# And I feel awfully wrong for saying it

# Should I do a skive dive or jump and fail it?

# Both options will go wrong knowing my luck

# But the time's up I think I've made my mind up. #

I'm in.

-No. No, I'm not. I'd just get caught.

-Chill.

I'll write you a note. Easy.

-Everything all right, Isaac?

-No, it ain't.

Lizzie left me with all this stuff to do while she's off

swanning about with her babies, innit?

Well, I don't think she's exactly swanning about.

It's going to take me all day. Look.

Feed stick insects, take out old leaves, replace with new.

Well, that's quite straightforward.

Stick insects...

look like sticks.

So how do you figure out which sticks are insects

and which sticks are sticks, eh?

Possibly by starting with the actual stick insect tank

and not the flower arrangement.

My sister's boyfriend showed me

a well good trick you can do with these.

Check it out. I'm eating a goldfish.

THEY LAUGH

That ain't how you do that trick.

It's a fish. It's completely a fish.

THEY LAUGH

-I can do that SO much better.

-Just leave it.

Do you reckon the kitchen will lend me a carrot?

Or you can go right ahead and escalate things.

That always works out so well(!)

Jones, Chowdhury, which one of you wants to do the long jump?

Tell you what, we'll make it three-legged. You can both do it.

Owen's got something for you, sir.

Your great-uncle's funeral?

Yes.

This afternoon?

Yes. I should have said. I'm sorry.

He forgot.

Blanked it out...

what with all the grief and that.

So I'm afraid it means I won't be able to compete in the high jump.

Fine. Have fun.

Just make sure you get a photo, yeah?

Pardon me?

A photo of you - in front of the coffin.

-Yeah...

-I don't want anyone thinking they can fake a funeral

-to get out of sports day.

-A photo?

-Yeah.

And if you don't get one, I'll have you on toast. All right?

Oh, and that threat goes for your two little chums as well.

You what now, sir?

Garland gets a photo or you all end up in a world of bother. All right?

Great!

Thanks, Owen.

What are we going to do?

Yeah, lovely.

And not a ridiculous amount of effort to go to

for a lame trick at all.

It's going to be proper jokes.

Trust me.

Wow! I'm starving!

I don't think I can wait until lunch.

Oh, sweet.

Come here, you.

GASPING

That's better.

Oh, my days. You just totally, like, ate a fish.

No, it was a trick like you tried at break,

but done proper.

Guys, I ate a carrot.

Yeah? Where's Bill the fish, then?

In the tank.

Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

-CHANTING:

-Fish muncher!

Stop! Stop saying that! I didn't! I ate a carrot!

-Fish muncher!

-Shut up!

Settle down. What's going on?

Miss...

Where's the goldfish?

Right.

Remove school goldfish from tank. Done.

Number nine - scrub tank and replace water.

Oh, what? You stay there, you.

I don't know what happened to it.

Seriously? This is your best solution?

Gate-crashing a funeral?

Owen, all we've got to do is sneak in before it gets going and then

-we're all off the hook with Nunn.

-Yeah, I suppose.

All right. Got the stuff. We're going to be mourning it right up.

Just had that lying around, did you?

Well, I was a vampire at Christmas.

-You mean Halloween?

-No.

Yeah... Might go without the skirt I reckon.

Fine. If you want to stick out like a sore thumb...

..you suit yourself.

Look. Just look. You can see the bit where I cut the fish out.

I see.

You're saying the goldfish was somehow contained within the carrot?

AMBER SIGHS

No. I said it 100 times.

There weren't no fish.

It was a joke.

Oh, dear. Amber,

I do worry that one day

you won't find having eaten a living being

quite as funny as you do now.

I ain't finding it funny now.

Well, there we are.

Progress.

So...

can you explain to us...

why you wanted to eat the fish?

I didn't eat no fish.

Perhaps the best thing is... call Amber's parents.

No.

No. All right.

Fine. I did eat the fish,

and I'm proper sorry.

OK. All sorted.

Now, find the coffin and get your photo. We'll keep a look out.

Actually, YOU'LL keep a lookout. I have to wee.

Hey, why do you always have to wee when we're doing something sketchy?

It's well irksome.

The heart wants what it wants, Nero.

Same for the bladder.

Dracula!

Dark Lord.

Where have you been?

Flipping temp agencies.

Come with me now.

Nero?

There's no coffin. Why is there no coffin?

-What kind of funeral is this?

-Sh! Sh! Hi, Polly.

-What are you doing here?

-What am I doing here?

What I'm doing here is...

Yeah...

# Getting caught in the funeral where

# You don't even know the person that's dead

# Could be embarrassing rather escape

# Go back to school and join in a race

# Can't you tell it's a problem if Polly finds out?

# Will be the end of whatever we had

# What did you have? Nothing, but that's not the point

# The point is I'll ruin my chances

# If she finds out I'll just have to hide

# Tallying up all the times that I lied

# Like the time that her favourite band thought she was dying

# I've blown it forever if she finds out why I am here

# I've made my bed and I can't sleep

# I've got to find my way free

# I'm stuck in here and I can't leave

# I have to lie my way free

# If I talk my way out yeah, I can work it out

# Yeah, I can work it out

# Yeah, I can work it out

# Yeah, I can work it out

# Like the time I put glue in Bell's hair gel

# Put a pin on his seat and said farewell

# My alibi, I was helping out Goodman

# He had to get his hair cut by a woodsman

# His hands would have been permanently stuck

# If I pulled that one off then I should have this locked

# Make up a story that doesn't sound dodgy

# Yeah, there's still hope for Nero and Polly

# If I talk my way out I've got all the tricks

# I'm like a magician at this

# Yeah, I can work it out I can cheat death, yo

# Abracadabra Can't let the rest know

# Think of a story Make it the best though

# Don't want to ruin what could be so special

# If I blow it with Polly she'll let go

# So it's time for some magic Hey, presto

# I made my bed and I can't sleep

# I've got to find my way free

# I'm stuck in here and I can't leave

# I have to lie my way free. #

Well, I'm here for you, of course.

You know, I heard you lost your...

..loved one.

It's really sad.

-Right, well, I'm just going to go and look for the...

-OK, mate.

Great.

So...

how are you?

Fine.

It was my dad's uncle, so I never really knew him.

I'm here for my dad, really.

Well, I'm here for you.

This is really weird. You should go.

No. Wait.

Look, maybe it IS weird.

It's just, I've done so many stupid things to you this term.

Come on, Polly.

Messed up your volcano, ruined your concert.

-Oh, yeah, gave you flea bites.

-Skip to the point.

Right.

I just wanted to make it up to you.

I wanted to be here.

It's, er... It's coming now.

Well, you're here now.

You may as well stay.

Well, is there anyone else I should know about?

No.

Let's go and get a pew.

Fish and chips, please.

-Budge up.

-Oi, pusher!

My mates saved me a space, innit?

Fish and chips, please.

I managed to get Goodman and Higgins off my back. Smooth as.

Just need to shut up Ingrid now.

It was her, there. She did it.

Look, it was like a fish like this just dangling in front of her.

-Fish and chips, please.

-None left.

But if you didn't eat him, what really happened to Bill?

Don't know. Maybe he jumped out and got eaten by a bird.

Yeah, cos there's so many of them in the science block(!)

All right.

Maybe he was just behind a rock or something, like snoozing.

Yeah.

Maybe he's been there all along

and this is just a total fuss over nothing.

No rock. Great.

So here's the plan. I buy another goldfish.

You're still hungry? You've just ate all them chips.

No, not to eat.

I didn't eat Bill.

-You two believe me, right?

-Of course we believe you.

Nah, I think you ate him.

But I don't care. You're my mate.

So we get a rock, put it in there with the new fish,

tell everyone it's Bill and he was just asleep behind the rock.

That doesn't sound at all contrived(!)

One of you will have to go and get it, though.

Don't want no-one seeing me and saying I got a replacement.

I'll go.

Don't want you eating another one.

Sports Day seems to have changed somewhat.

Yeah, well, it's still a special day all about sport, isn't it?

You can't play netball with six goals, sir.

-Yeah, and we ain't playing with 14 people a side.

-Shut it, Murphy.

You must be so proud.

In here!

She accepted eating the fish,

but she seemed to think a smile and an apology made it all better.

Yeah! That was an outrage, earlier!

Her and her mates eating that fish, leaving me with nothing!

Amber's friends were involved?

And you also wanted to eat the fish?

Well, yeah, me and everyone else.

It's the only good thing about being here.

That's why people jump the queue. You want to do something about it.

-They queue up to do it?

-It's spreading.

This is almost as bad as loom bands.

# I see them bloom

# For me and you

# And I think to myself

# What a wonderful world... #

Keep it together, OK? We'll get the photo at the end.

Yeah, at the end, when they're all gone.

When it's just us and the coffin.

It'll be easy. Easy.

# And clouds of white

# The bright blessed day

# The dark sacred night

# And I think to myself... #

I love it when a plan comes together.

It's black! Why is it black?

Evolution?

Darnesh, you were meant to get a goldfish. As in GOLD-fish!

-Why's that, then?

-Because it's a replacement for Bill. Remember Bill?

I ain't going to forget the fish you ate, Amber!

A, I didn't eat him,

and B, remember how he was GOLD?

-Like that one?

-What?!

Ha! I told you! I told you I didn't eat him!

BELL RINGS

And the rational explanation for this is...

Ah, who cares? Everything's back to normal.

SHE SIGHS

Let's just get out of here, get to Sports Day.

Hang on, guys.

-Why?

-I want my fiver back.

Sports Day will commence in T-minus two minutes, people!

Repeat, two minutes!

Right, 7C, let me see. Ah, lovely, weight lifting in the gym.

Get three on each end and heave!

You all right, love? Come to check I've mixed things up a bit?

I think you'll be pleased.

What now?

I'm really sorry that we have had to cancel Sports Day.

I'm sure you'll all agree that it is a small sacrifice if we can

stop people eating the school pets.

We'll now break into discussion groups.

Group one, Sophie Casey, Ben Croft, Polly Morgan...

Oh, actually, Polly Morgan's absent this afternoon. She gave me a note.

-Funeral.

-Hang on a minute, she's not at a funeral, she's skiving!

-Just like Garland and his pretend dead uncle!

-Oh, no, no, no, no!

Polly Morgan is an exemplary pupil.

# Today was my day, Sports Day, should've been a fun day

# Doing it the Nunn way

# Cos when it comes to sports I'm the King

# The head honcho The sports captain

# If I'm the King, you should do as I say

# Make the whole school hop around on a Thursday

# But no! Goodman doesn't quite get it

# The idea's to win if you take part in it

# My big day turned hideous

# I'm a sports icon not an idiot

# So why am I getting treated like one?

# Cancelling my day, ruin my fun

# Yeah! My big day has been a big mess

# I'm the Queen of jokes, the joke Princess

# Why am I getting treated like a mug still?

# I don't munch pets I eat lunch meals

# It was a joke, just some fun, just a wind-up

# I thought everyone would laugh till their sides hurt

# But my prank completely backfired

# They think I eat school pets on the quiet

-GIRL SCREAMS

-# Goodman thinks we all need therapy

# I didn't eat no fish so what's she telling me?

# I'm going to prove them all wrong, they'll see, when they watch Bill

# Swimming round looking healthy

# Yeah! I'm a giant, kids are under my shoe

# I see all the games, they must think I'm a fool

# I know a lie and I see right through

# At a funeral? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

# Sorry for your loss

# Skipping school to play games and doss

# I'll catch Morgan like a fish on a hook

# Show the whole school I'm the boss

# 1-0 to none, I'm on top

# My big day turned hideous

# My big day has been a big mess

# I've got to fix it

# Put things right, so they all see it's not what it looks like. #

Miss, I actually never ate a fish! He's back in his tank.

We must have not looked properly earlier.

We totally looked properly.

Go and check it - Bill's back in there.

You probably just bought an actual replacement fish.

That'll be just like you.

Well, I just wanted to watch a three-legged long jump.

-ALL:

-Same.

Look, being totally honest, Miss, I did buy a replacement,

but I ended up not needing it because Bill was just, like, back.

He is! Go look!

See, here's the fish I bought, but I didn't use it.

-Is that a lunchbox?

-Fish muncher!

-No, no, no!

-ALL:

-Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

-No, I'm not!

-Fish muncher!

-Shut up!

-Why me?

-ALL:

-Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

-No, stop!

-ALL:

-Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

..Supporting each other at this very difficult time.

And so now we formally commit his body to the flames for cremation.

You what?!

Flames what?!

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

-No!

-Shh! Polly's right there.

-I don't care about Polly.

I care about Mr Nunn using my head as a football.

I need that photo!

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Job well done, especially you.

You did well, lad. You surprised me.

Right, come on - to the van, we've got four more cremations

and an entombment before sundown, and then home.

Get cracking in the back room -

-those bodies won't embalm themselves.

-Actually...

A funny story...

Ahhh!

Never mind.

SHE SIGHS

All that talk about you eating that fish has made me well hungry.

I didn't eat no fish!

Look, Vi, I should have listened to you on this one.

-I'm sorry.

-Well...

You've got to admit, though, my trick was better.

Yeah, you did really well.

-Oi!

-I mean, I was all, like, "Ah, I'm eating a stick insect!

"I don't want to but I'm really hungry!"

-No, Amber!

-What?!

-Amber!

Oi! Stop eating them stick insects.

No, it's not what looks like.

You stick insect muncher!

I don't know how you can eat like that,

we are in huge trouble with Nunn.

Yeah, but I figured silver lining and that -

I'm well in there with Polly!

Anyway...

Thanks for coming.

It's nice...

Weird...but nice.

Oh!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

Do you have to?

Mr Nunn?

Very clever - wearing black so if anyone comes round to check,

you can say you've just got back from the funeral.

I HAVE just come back from the funeral.

Pull the other one, love, it's got bells on!

Big ones that go...

# Dum-dum-dadum-dum-dadum dadum-dadum-dadum. #

-Get your bag.

-What?!

You're coming with me back to school.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

-Dad!

-With all the other mourners, is he?

Hello! Polly's imaginary daddy, where are you?!

Can you come and have a chat, please?

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. Sorry for your loss.

Garland!

Oh... Well, hi.

Come on, you don't want to embarrass yourself again.

What kind of a monster would turn up to a funeral where they

didn't even know the deceased just to get out of sports day?

Yeah, right.

Sorry, Garland.

Yeah, what sort of a monster WOULD turn up

at a funeral just to get out of sports day?

NEVER speak to me again!

Pork pie, brilliant!

So what did I miss?

-# Can't live with them

-Can't kick 'em out

# When you're up they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find the common ground

# If you know so much about me where do I go from here?

-# If you see 'em every day

-You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #