Funeral 4 O'Clock Club


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Funeral

Comedy series. Owen bunks off school to avoid sports day but finds himself trapped in a living nightmare. And a joke Amber plays on her class backfires.


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# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

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# When it's just too much to handle?

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# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

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# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

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# You should stay It can change

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# There's good days and bad days

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# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

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# So the only time is now 4 O'Clock

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# 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock, 4 O'Clock. #

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# You can dance

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# You can jive

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# Having the time of your life

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# Ooh-ooh-ooh see doo, doo... #

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Sports day.

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# Digging the dancing queen. #

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Excuse me, but I've got some PROPER teaching to do.

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And there goes Bell, record-holder in the 100-metre sulk.

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Where are the rest of these?

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Ex-squeeze me?

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The medals, there aren't enough for everybody.

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Yeah, that's because they're just for the winners, love.

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You're talking about rewarding a very small number of...

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physically blessed, overly confident individuals.

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Yeah.

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-Well, what about everybody else?

-Now, steady on.

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-I don't think...

-Let's involve more than just the obvious athletes,

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-mix things up a bit.

-It's too late to mix things up a bit.

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-It's this afternoon.

-You are a very capable teacher, Graham.

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You can do whatever you put your mind to.

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Like giving some of our less able candidates the chance to compete.

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Good.

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I had a dream last night that a big squirrel lived behind my wardrobe.

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What do you think it means?

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That we should hang out less.

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Oh.

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Steady on, sir.

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Namby-pamby, new-fangled, liberal...

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If you weren't so scrawny, you wouldn't be knocked down as much.

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-Just saying.

-I'm not scrawny. I'm lean.

-Course you're scrawny.

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You've got the physique of a sick heron.

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Congratulations.

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You're now competing at sports day, at the high jump.

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You what, sir? He can't jump!

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If I have to do this, I might as well have a laugh while I'm at it.

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Right, in high jump, say I average a speed of 2K per hour.

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That means max takeoff velocity is A...

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which means a back bend of...

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Owen.

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Look, you don't want to do the high jump.

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Just skive off.

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Skive off?

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# Rules are in place for a reason

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# 'Tis the season to obey the teachers

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# That's all seasons

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# That's the way it is At least in my life

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# Someone in charge says to jump I say, "How high?"

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# Although I'm not the most sporting boy

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# I probably couldn't jump over a Matchbox toy

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# But none the less, Nunn said I must compete

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# So I better respect his authority

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# I have a problem that's all too high

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# I can't fix with division nor multiply

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# So, what's the conclusion?

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# Rack my brain Can't find a solution

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# Find a solution

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# Give me algebra, trigonometry or physics

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# Give me codes, riddles I'll solve them in five minutes

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# I'll work out the square root of any number required

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# Don't be surprised It's not rocket science

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# So why does my brain always turn to mush

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# When I have to jump, dance or do a cool look?

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# Mum always said I had two left feet

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# And playing by the rules still won't get me over the bar

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# Is Nero right?

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# Should I skive off or stay at home when it starts?

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# That goes against everything that I stand for

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# Ignoring the rules would be breaking the law

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# I have a problem that's all too high

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# I can't fix with division nor multiply

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# So what's the conclusion?

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# Rack my brain Can't find a solution

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# Find a solution

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# I have a problem that's way too tall

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# Can't spell it, solve it or count at all

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# So what's the conclusion?

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# Rack my brain Can't find a solution

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# Find a solution

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# When has Nero ever been right?

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# Looking back I just can't remember a time

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# But perhaps on this singular occasion

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# Skiving is the answer to my equation

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# And I feel awfully wrong for saying it

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# Should I do a skive dive or jump and fail it?

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# Both options will go wrong knowing my luck

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# But the time's up I think I've made my mind up. #

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I'm in.

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-No. No, I'm not. I'd just get caught.

-Chill.

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I'll write you a note. Easy.

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-Everything all right, Isaac?

-No, it ain't.

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Lizzie left me with all this stuff to do while she's off

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swanning about with her babies, innit?

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Well, I don't think she's exactly swanning about.

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It's going to take me all day. Look.

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Feed stick insects, take out old leaves, replace with new.

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Well, that's quite straightforward.

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Stick insects...

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look like sticks.

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So how do you figure out which sticks are insects

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and which sticks are sticks, eh?

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Possibly by starting with the actual stick insect tank

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and not the flower arrangement.

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My sister's boyfriend showed me

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a well good trick you can do with these.

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Check it out. I'm eating a goldfish.

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THEY LAUGH

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That ain't how you do that trick.

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It's a fish. It's completely a fish.

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THEY LAUGH

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-I can do that SO much better.

-Just leave it.

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Do you reckon the kitchen will lend me a carrot?

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Or you can go right ahead and escalate things.

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That always works out so well(!)

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Jones, Chowdhury, which one of you wants to do the long jump?

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Tell you what, we'll make it three-legged. You can both do it.

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Owen's got something for you, sir.

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Your great-uncle's funeral?

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Yes.

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This afternoon?

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Yes. I should have said. I'm sorry.

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He forgot.

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Blanked it out...

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what with all the grief and that.

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So I'm afraid it means I won't be able to compete in the high jump.

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Fine. Have fun.

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Just make sure you get a photo, yeah?

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Pardon me?

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A photo of you - in front of the coffin.

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-Yeah...

-I don't want anyone thinking they can fake a funeral

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-to get out of sports day.

-A photo?

-Yeah.

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And if you don't get one, I'll have you on toast. All right?

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Oh, and that threat goes for your two little chums as well.

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You what now, sir?

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Garland gets a photo or you all end up in a world of bother. All right?

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Great!

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Thanks, Owen.

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What are we going to do?

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Yeah, lovely.

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And not a ridiculous amount of effort to go to

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for a lame trick at all.

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It's going to be proper jokes.

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Trust me.

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Wow! I'm starving!

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I don't think I can wait until lunch.

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Oh, sweet.

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Come here, you.

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GASPING

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That's better.

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Oh, my days. You just totally, like, ate a fish.

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No, it was a trick like you tried at break,

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but done proper.

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Guys, I ate a carrot.

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Yeah? Where's Bill the fish, then?

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In the tank.

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Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

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-CHANTING:

-Fish muncher!

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Stop! Stop saying that! I didn't! I ate a carrot!

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-Fish muncher!

-Shut up!

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Settle down. What's going on?

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Miss...

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Where's the goldfish?

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Right.

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Remove school goldfish from tank. Done.

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Number nine - scrub tank and replace water.

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Oh, what? You stay there, you.

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I don't know what happened to it.

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Seriously? This is your best solution?

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Gate-crashing a funeral?

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Owen, all we've got to do is sneak in before it gets going and then

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-we're all off the hook with Nunn.

-Yeah, I suppose.

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All right. Got the stuff. We're going to be mourning it right up.

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Just had that lying around, did you?

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Well, I was a vampire at Christmas.

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-You mean Halloween?

-No.

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Yeah... Might go without the skirt I reckon.

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Fine. If you want to stick out like a sore thumb...

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..you suit yourself.

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Look. Just look. You can see the bit where I cut the fish out.

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I see.

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You're saying the goldfish was somehow contained within the carrot?

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AMBER SIGHS

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No. I said it 100 times.

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There weren't no fish.

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It was a joke.

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Oh, dear. Amber,

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I do worry that one day

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you won't find having eaten a living being

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quite as funny as you do now.

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I ain't finding it funny now.

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Well, there we are.

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Progress.

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So...

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can you explain to us...

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why you wanted to eat the fish?

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I didn't eat no fish.

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Perhaps the best thing is... call Amber's parents.

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No.

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No. All right.

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Fine. I did eat the fish,

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and I'm proper sorry.

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OK. All sorted.

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Now, find the coffin and get your photo. We'll keep a look out.

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Actually, YOU'LL keep a lookout. I have to wee.

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Hey, why do you always have to wee when we're doing something sketchy?

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It's well irksome.

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The heart wants what it wants, Nero.

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Same for the bladder.

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Dracula!

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Dark Lord.

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Where have you been?

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Flipping temp agencies.

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Come with me now.

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Nero?

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There's no coffin. Why is there no coffin?

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-What kind of funeral is this?

-Sh! Sh! Hi, Polly.

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-What are you doing here?

-What am I doing here?

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What I'm doing here is...

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Yeah...

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# Getting caught in the funeral where

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# You don't even know the person that's dead

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# Could be embarrassing rather escape

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# Go back to school and join in a race

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# Can't you tell it's a problem if Polly finds out?

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# Will be the end of whatever we had

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# What did you have? Nothing, but that's not the point

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# The point is I'll ruin my chances

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# If she finds out I'll just have to hide

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# Tallying up all the times that I lied

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# Like the time that her favourite band thought she was dying

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# I've blown it forever if she finds out why I am here

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# I've made my bed and I can't sleep

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# I've got to find my way free

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# I'm stuck in here and I can't leave

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# I have to lie my way free

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# If I talk my way out yeah, I can work it out

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# Yeah, I can work it out

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# Yeah, I can work it out

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# Yeah, I can work it out

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# Like the time I put glue in Bell's hair gel

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# Put a pin on his seat and said farewell

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# My alibi, I was helping out Goodman

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# He had to get his hair cut by a woodsman

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# His hands would have been permanently stuck

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# If I pulled that one off then I should have this locked

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# Make up a story that doesn't sound dodgy

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# Yeah, there's still hope for Nero and Polly

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# If I talk my way out I've got all the tricks

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# I'm like a magician at this

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# Yeah, I can work it out I can cheat death, yo

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# Abracadabra Can't let the rest know

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# Think of a story Make it the best though

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# Don't want to ruin what could be so special

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# If I blow it with Polly she'll let go

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# So it's time for some magic Hey, presto

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# I made my bed and I can't sleep

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# I've got to find my way free

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# I'm stuck in here and I can't leave

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# I have to lie my way free. #

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Well, I'm here for you, of course.

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You know, I heard you lost your...

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..loved one.

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It's really sad.

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-Right, well, I'm just going to go and look for the...

-OK, mate.

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Great.

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So...

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how are you?

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Fine.

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It was my dad's uncle, so I never really knew him.

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I'm here for my dad, really.

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Well, I'm here for you.

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This is really weird. You should go.

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No. Wait.

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Look, maybe it IS weird.

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It's just, I've done so many stupid things to you this term.

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Come on, Polly.

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Messed up your volcano, ruined your concert.

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-Oh, yeah, gave you flea bites.

-Skip to the point.

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Right.

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I just wanted to make it up to you.

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I wanted to be here.

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It's, er... It's coming now.

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Well, you're here now.

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You may as well stay.

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Well, is there anyone else I should know about?

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No.

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Let's go and get a pew.

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Fish and chips, please.

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-Budge up.

-Oi, pusher!

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My mates saved me a space, innit?

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Fish and chips, please.

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I managed to get Goodman and Higgins off my back. Smooth as.

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Just need to shut up Ingrid now.

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It was her, there. She did it.

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Look, it was like a fish like this just dangling in front of her.

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-Fish and chips, please.

-None left.

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But if you didn't eat him, what really happened to Bill?

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Don't know. Maybe he jumped out and got eaten by a bird.

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Yeah, cos there's so many of them in the science block(!)

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All right.

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Maybe he was just behind a rock or something, like snoozing.

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Yeah.

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Maybe he's been there all along

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and this is just a total fuss over nothing.

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No rock. Great.

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So here's the plan. I buy another goldfish.

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You're still hungry? You've just ate all them chips.

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No, not to eat.

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I didn't eat Bill.

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-You two believe me, right?

-Of course we believe you.

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Nah, I think you ate him.

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But I don't care. You're my mate.

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So we get a rock, put it in there with the new fish,

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tell everyone it's Bill and he was just asleep behind the rock.

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That doesn't sound at all contrived(!)

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One of you will have to go and get it, though.

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Don't want no-one seeing me and saying I got a replacement.

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I'll go.

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Don't want you eating another one.

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Sports Day seems to have changed somewhat.

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Yeah, well, it's still a special day all about sport, isn't it?

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You can't play netball with six goals, sir.

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-Yeah, and we ain't playing with 14 people a side.

-Shut it, Murphy.

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You must be so proud.

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In here!

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She accepted eating the fish,

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but she seemed to think a smile and an apology made it all better.

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Yeah! That was an outrage, earlier!

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Her and her mates eating that fish, leaving me with nothing!

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Amber's friends were involved?

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And you also wanted to eat the fish?

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Well, yeah, me and everyone else.

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It's the only good thing about being here.

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That's why people jump the queue. You want to do something about it.

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-They queue up to do it?

-It's spreading.

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This is almost as bad as loom bands.

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# I see them bloom

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# For me and you

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# And I think to myself

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# What a wonderful world... #

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Keep it together, OK? We'll get the photo at the end.

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Yeah, at the end, when they're all gone.

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When it's just us and the coffin.

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It'll be easy. Easy.

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# And clouds of white

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# The bright blessed day

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# The dark sacred night

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# And I think to myself... #

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I love it when a plan comes together.

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It's black! Why is it black?

0:18:330:18:36

Evolution?

0:18:360:18:38

Darnesh, you were meant to get a goldfish. As in GOLD-fish!

0:18:380:18:42

-Why's that, then?

-Because it's a replacement for Bill. Remember Bill?

0:18:420:18:47

I ain't going to forget the fish you ate, Amber!

0:18:470:18:50

A, I didn't eat him,

0:18:500:18:53

and B, remember how he was GOLD?

0:18:530:18:56

-Like that one?

-What?!

0:18:560:18:59

Ha! I told you! I told you I didn't eat him!

0:19:000:19:03

BELL RINGS

0:19:030:19:05

And the rational explanation for this is...

0:19:070:19:09

Ah, who cares? Everything's back to normal.

0:19:110:19:14

SHE SIGHS

0:19:140:19:15

Let's just get out of here, get to Sports Day.

0:19:150:19:18

Hang on, guys.

0:19:190:19:21

-Why?

-I want my fiver back.

0:19:260:19:29

Sports Day will commence in T-minus two minutes, people!

0:19:340:19:39

Repeat, two minutes!

0:19:390:19:41

Right, 7C, let me see. Ah, lovely, weight lifting in the gym.

0:19:430:19:50

Get three on each end and heave!

0:19:500:19:52

You all right, love? Come to check I've mixed things up a bit?

0:19:560:19:59

I think you'll be pleased.

0:19:590:20:01

What now?

0:20:020:20:04

I'm really sorry that we have had to cancel Sports Day.

0:20:070:20:12

I'm sure you'll all agree that it is a small sacrifice if we can

0:20:120:20:18

stop people eating the school pets.

0:20:180:20:22

We'll now break into discussion groups.

0:20:260:20:29

Group one, Sophie Casey, Ben Croft, Polly Morgan...

0:20:290:20:33

Oh, actually, Polly Morgan's absent this afternoon. She gave me a note.

0:20:330:20:38

-Funeral.

-Hang on a minute, she's not at a funeral, she's skiving!

0:20:380:20:42

-Just like Garland and his pretend dead uncle!

-Oh, no, no, no, no!

0:20:420:20:47

Polly Morgan is an exemplary pupil.

0:20:470:20:51

# Today was my day, Sports Day, should've been a fun day

0:20:540:20:57

# Doing it the Nunn way

0:20:570:20:58

# Cos when it comes to sports I'm the King

0:20:580:21:00

# The head honcho The sports captain

0:21:000:21:03

# If I'm the King, you should do as I say

0:21:030:21:05

# Make the whole school hop around on a Thursday

0:21:050:21:08

# But no! Goodman doesn't quite get it

0:21:080:21:10

# The idea's to win if you take part in it

0:21:100:21:13

# My big day turned hideous

0:21:130:21:15

# I'm a sports icon not an idiot

0:21:150:21:18

# So why am I getting treated like one?

0:21:180:21:20

# Cancelling my day, ruin my fun

0:21:200:21:22

# Yeah! My big day has been a big mess

0:21:220:21:25

# I'm the Queen of jokes, the joke Princess

0:21:250:21:28

# Why am I getting treated like a mug still?

0:21:280:21:31

# I don't munch pets I eat lunch meals

0:21:310:21:33

# It was a joke, just some fun, just a wind-up

0:21:330:21:35

# I thought everyone would laugh till their sides hurt

0:21:350:21:38

# But my prank completely backfired

0:21:380:21:40

# They think I eat school pets on the quiet

0:21:400:21:42

-GIRL SCREAMS

-# Goodman thinks we all need therapy

0:21:420:21:45

# I didn't eat no fish so what's she telling me?

0:21:450:21:47

# I'm going to prove them all wrong, they'll see, when they watch Bill

0:21:470:21:50

# Swimming round looking healthy

0:21:500:21:52

# Yeah! I'm a giant, kids are under my shoe

0:21:520:21:54

# I see all the games, they must think I'm a fool

0:21:540:21:57

# I know a lie and I see right through

0:21:570:22:00

# At a funeral? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

0:22:000:22:02

# Sorry for your loss

0:22:020:22:04

# Skipping school to play games and doss

0:22:040:22:06

# I'll catch Morgan like a fish on a hook

0:22:060:22:08

# Show the whole school I'm the boss

0:22:080:22:10

# 1-0 to none, I'm on top

0:22:100:22:13

# My big day turned hideous

0:22:130:22:15

# My big day has been a big mess

0:22:150:22:17

# I've got to fix it

0:22:170:22:19

# Put things right, so they all see it's not what it looks like. #

0:22:190:22:22

Miss, I actually never ate a fish! He's back in his tank.

0:22:260:22:30

We must have not looked properly earlier.

0:22:300:22:32

We totally looked properly.

0:22:320:22:34

Go and check it - Bill's back in there.

0:22:340:22:37

You probably just bought an actual replacement fish.

0:22:370:22:40

That'll be just like you.

0:22:400:22:42

Well, I just wanted to watch a three-legged long jump.

0:22:420:22:44

-ALL:

-Same.

0:22:440:22:46

Look, being totally honest, Miss, I did buy a replacement,

0:22:460:22:49

but I ended up not needing it because Bill was just, like, back.

0:22:490:22:53

He is! Go look!

0:22:530:22:54

See, here's the fish I bought, but I didn't use it.

0:22:540:22:59

-Is that a lunchbox?

-Fish muncher!

-No, no, no!

0:22:590:23:01

-ALL:

-Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

-No, I'm not!

0:23:010:23:04

-Fish muncher!

-Shut up!

-Why me?

0:23:040:23:06

-ALL:

-Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

-No, stop!

0:23:060:23:09

-ALL:

-Fish muncher! Fish muncher!

0:23:090:23:11

..Supporting each other at this very difficult time.

0:23:110:23:16

And so now we formally commit his body to the flames for cremation.

0:23:160:23:22

You what?!

0:23:220:23:24

Flames what?!

0:23:240:23:26

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:280:23:32

-No!

-Shh! Polly's right there.

-I don't care about Polly.

0:23:370:23:41

I care about Mr Nunn using my head as a football.

0:23:410:23:43

I need that photo!

0:23:430:23:45

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

0:23:480:23:51

Job well done, especially you.

0:23:550:23:58

You did well, lad. You surprised me.

0:23:580:24:00

Right, come on - to the van, we've got four more cremations

0:24:000:24:03

and an entombment before sundown, and then home.

0:24:030:24:05

Get cracking in the back room -

0:24:050:24:07

-those bodies won't embalm themselves.

-Actually...

0:24:070:24:10

A funny story...

0:24:120:24:14

Ahhh!

0:24:140:24:17

Never mind.

0:24:170:24:18

SHE SIGHS

0:24:260:24:27

All that talk about you eating that fish has made me well hungry.

0:24:270:24:31

I didn't eat no fish!

0:24:310:24:32

Look, Vi, I should have listened to you on this one.

0:24:350:24:39

-I'm sorry.

-Well...

0:24:390:24:41

You've got to admit, though, my trick was better.

0:24:410:24:44

Yeah, you did really well.

0:24:440:24:47

-Oi!

-I mean, I was all, like, "Ah, I'm eating a stick insect!

0:24:470:24:52

"I don't want to but I'm really hungry!"

0:24:520:24:55

-No, Amber!

-What?!

-Amber!

0:24:550:24:59

Oi! Stop eating them stick insects.

0:24:590:25:03

No, it's not what looks like.

0:25:030:25:06

You stick insect muncher!

0:25:060:25:08

I don't know how you can eat like that,

0:25:100:25:12

we are in huge trouble with Nunn.

0:25:120:25:14

Yeah, but I figured silver lining and that -

0:25:140:25:18

I'm well in there with Polly!

0:25:180:25:20

Anyway...

0:25:310:25:33

Thanks for coming.

0:25:330:25:35

It's nice...

0:25:350:25:38

Weird...but nice.

0:25:380:25:42

Oh!

0:25:470:25:49

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

0:25:490:25:52

Do you have to?

0:25:540:25:56

Mr Nunn?

0:26:010:26:02

Very clever - wearing black so if anyone comes round to check,

0:26:020:26:05

you can say you've just got back from the funeral.

0:26:050:26:08

I HAVE just come back from the funeral.

0:26:080:26:10

Pull the other one, love, it's got bells on!

0:26:100:26:12

Big ones that go...

0:26:120:26:13

# Dum-dum-dadum-dum-dadum dadum-dadum-dadum. #

0:26:130:26:17

-Get your bag.

-What?!

0:26:170:26:20

You're coming with me back to school.

0:26:200:26:21

I'm not going anywhere with you.

0:26:210:26:24

-Dad!

-With all the other mourners, is he?

0:26:240:26:26

Hello! Polly's imaginary daddy, where are you?!

0:26:260:26:31

Can you come and have a chat, please?

0:26:310:26:33

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your loss.

0:26:360:26:38

Sorry for your loss. Sorry for your loss.

0:26:380:26:41

Garland!

0:26:410:26:43

Oh... Well, hi.

0:26:430:26:47

Come on, you don't want to embarrass yourself again.

0:26:470:26:51

What kind of a monster would turn up to a funeral where they

0:26:520:26:55

didn't even know the deceased just to get out of sports day?

0:26:550:26:59

Yeah, right.

0:26:590:27:01

Sorry, Garland.

0:27:010:27:03

Yeah, what sort of a monster WOULD turn up

0:27:070:27:11

at a funeral just to get out of sports day?

0:27:110:27:13

NEVER speak to me again!

0:27:150:27:17

Pork pie, brilliant!

0:27:210:27:24

So what did I miss?

0:27:240:27:26

-# Can't live with them

-Can't kick 'em out

0:27:310:27:33

# When you're up they rub it in your face

0:27:330:27:34

# Kick you when you're down

0:27:340:27:36

-# But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

0:27:360:27:38

-# Always gonna be around

-Gotta find the common ground

0:27:380:27:40

# If you know so much about me where do I go from here?

0:27:400:27:45

-# If you see 'em every day

-You can never get away

0:27:450:27:48

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #

0:27:480:27:52

Owen bunks off school to avoid sports day but finds himself trapped in a living nightmare. And something smells fishy when a joke Amber plays on her class backfires horribly.