Teamwork 4 O'Clock Files

Right, go. Shoot me so I look really tall and imposing.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Stop laughing.

Action.

Welcome. My name...

-CHILDREN LAUGH

-Carlo, detention, you little...

HE PERFORMS VOCAL EXERCISES

Take two.

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Welcome.

My name is Bell. Crispin Bell. And as head teacher...

Former head teacher.

Former head teacher here at Elmsmere, today,

I'll be showing you the caring and supportive environment that we can

offer to your delightful children.

What you'll find here are pupils enthusiastically working

hand in hand with the staff.

And like limpets superglued to the rock I like to call school,

they don't give up easily.

Yay! Go, Team Elmsmere. Rah-rah!

And I think I can say without fear of contradiction that the

bond between pupil and staff here is so supportive, it's something...

-Oh!

-Oh, you ding-dong.

Let's just stand still from now on, OK? Can you manage that?

Our staff and pupils work hard - myself, harder than any of them -

to make sure Elmsmere is the very best it can be.

-We're a great team, wouldn't you agree?

-Yeah.

I didn't know 'team' could mean a group of violently aggressive yobs

who kick off all the time.

GIRL LAUGHS And that's just the teachers.

Before we go any further, an important history lesson.

Good morning...

Once there was Elmsbury,

a cutting-edge academy with a dynamic young headmaster that had to

close due to regrettable events beyond my control.

CROWD GASPS

ALARM BELLS RING

SIRENS WAIL IN THE DISTANCE

Uh, do you mean when Mr Harris burnt it down after that party?

-Maybe we used too many candles?

-You weren't invited, sir.

You must have been pretty gutted.

Moving on.

I then embraced the challenge of

bringing the Elmsbury ethos to Fowlmere...

-Oi!

-Get off your bike.

-Wondering where to park your bike?

Go back to Elmsbury. There's loads of space there.

..a lively local school that welcomed us following the closure.

Don't worry, Ash. We'll look after you.

What makes you think I'm scared of that lot?

-GIRLS:

-Hey, Elmsbury!

Egg! Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Merging the two schools together was a test I think

we all passed very successfully.

Myself maybe marginally more than anyone else.

I'm well confused. I thought the merger was a right nightmare.

Sh!

HE CLEARS THROAT

Of course, before the merger,

there had been some uncertainty amongst the staff.

# Now we're out here

# I'm afraid of Fowlmere

# I'm afraid of Fowlmere

# I'm afraid of Fowlmere

# OK, let me get a grip, I can do this

# I've got the experience

# Here's my chance to prove it

# I can handle Fowlmere

# So what if it's derelict?

# If I get a bit of stick, I'm gonna have to get in it

# I've run the 4 O'Clock Club, it wasn't easy

# And I've been head-to-head with Zoe-Marie, believe me

# Yes, I heard the kids eat teachers for dinner

# But I am Dexter Harris

# I'm a winner, yes, winner

# Winning?

# Please, who are you kidding?

# They'll pull you limb from limb and that is only the beginning

# Cos you're weak, pathetic, you might as well forget it

# You're gonna end up crying in the cupboard, you'll regret it

# And that's only if you don't get hospitalised

# By some falling tiles when the roof subsides

# You'll be flushed away before you've even arrived

# You're a loser and losers get eaten alive. #

HE SCREAMS

In the past, there had been some minor friction between the students,

but nothing serious.

Nice one, sir.

And you said he wouldn't know a joke if it bit him on the...

Oh. You're not joking. Yeah, minor friction. Nothing serious.

-Where do you think you're going?

-To school.

You know the big grey building full of classrooms and...

Which school?

-Elmsbury.

-Oh, take a look at the posh kids, boys.

"Oh, we go to Elmsbury.

"Mummy and Daddy take us to school in golden chariots

"pulled by peacocks."

-Yeah, because Elmsbury is so nice.

-We go to Fowlmere.

Do you know what's nice about Fowlmere?

The lovely students who would never beat anyone up?

Nothing is nice about Fowlmere.

Let's show them how nice we can't be, boys.

Hey, look at that big thing over there.

That doesn't work in real life, you idiot!

This does.

Ahh!

-MR BELL:

-But once the two sides got to know each other,

we were soon all just like one big, happy family.

-Ohhh...

-FLIES BUZZING

-Oh, you got a locker bully.

-Yeah, with rotten feet.

-Oi! Elmsbury! Get off!

-Hi. I'm Josh.

Oh, Josh. Spiffing.

-What you doing in my locker?

-Hey, it's my locker too, man.

No, no, no. It's mine. It's got my name on it.

-What, Wazzock?

-No, Isaac.

-What, Isaac Wazzock?

N... No. Shut up!

Ooh, and then we got that rubbish statue. Ain't that right, sir?

Our team spirit and togetherness was worth cherishing

and celebrating in art.

And no, the statue wasn't rubbish.

It so was.

-Let me present...

-Unity!

-Unity!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

That is proper botched.

A shame that the statue itself

didn't survive a freak double decapitation.

But the spirit it represented lives on.

In fact, all across this school,

largely thanks to my mostly unappreciated efforts, you'll find

Elmsbury and Fowlmere students working together in close harmony.

BOYS ARGUING

-Is that some close harmony I can hear now, sir?

-Cut.

I mean, cut. I mean... Stop.

-No.

-Give that back!

Come on. A chip for Ash. You've already had loads.

Yeah, because they're mine. Give it!

You've got a fish finger,

so you have that, I'll have this, we'll call it even.

No. No. No. I want to eat the fish with the chip. They go together!

I think I see. So...

-You're saying they're a top combo, a dream team, right?

-Yeah, yeah.

Like me and sport.

Er... No.

Oh! Ahh, ahh!

-Just in time for some laps.

-Laps?

-Yeah. 20 of them.

You know, get us warmed up for training later.

-Tell you what, Ash, how about you do ours for us?

-OK. 60 it is.

Come at me. Hit me with your best shot.

I will not feel it because I am Pad Man.

-What's that on your head?

-I don't know. Little helmet.

No. All them sports would have been better off without you.

-Well, maybe when I joined wind band, then.

-No.

You've got what happens at wind band all wrong.

-They threw you out after five minutes.

-It's their loss.

I think I would have really added something to their performance,

-you know.

-Yeah, curry guffs.

OK, then.

It's the delicious marriage of fish finger and chip,

like when me and Nerdy Natalie

joined forces to pick on the mighty maths army.

-Good old maths.

-No!

HE TAPS ON DESK

Look, there are people out there playing football when...

..they could be in here, you know. Doing maths.

The big M.

The science of numbers.

So... How do you actually...

Do you not understand the meaning of the word 'quiet'?

Er... Natalie, you forgot your...

Shhhh.

OK. We've all got our books.

Now we can start the test on page 76.

So how does this team work, exactly?

Well, Natalie had provided the being good at maths bit

and I chipped in with the expert copying skills. Boom.

-Pens down! That's it.

-How did it go?

Easy as one, two...three.

Yeah. I knew that.

Ash Newman. You finished your test early.

And you got... 97%.

You're joking! My mum is never going to believe that.

In a...in a good way.

It's clear this class isn't stretching you enough.

-I'm going to recommend you be moved to the top set.

-You what? But...

I mean, well, yeah. It's about time.

Good. I'll get the wheels in motion.

You won't last five seconds.

See, that's where you're wrong, my melon-headed friend.

I've got a book with all the answers.

Living the dream. That's what I was doing.

Living like a monkey with its bum on fire.

That's what you were doing.

Mr Barber is away today because of personal issues.

HE COUGHS LOUDLY

Divorce. All right? So I'll be taking maths.

And you've got a brand-new class member, Ashley... Newman?

That's right. Ash is in the place. Believe.

Shut it, Newman.

-You can work with Harlow.

-Sir! No, sir.

-Didn't realise I was a maths genius, hey, guys?

-Pipe down!

You better not bring down my grade average.

Happy to take this one on my own, little lady.

You see, I think in equations, you know.

Long division. Could do that stood on my head. In French.

It was going so well

but what happened next was a tragedy for the world of maths.

Is there a problem?

Sir, you asked us to do the equations on page 360

but there isn't a page 360.

Got the wrong textbook. We've finished that one.

We've moved on to the red. Here.

Erm, sir...

Is it all right if I use the old one? It's just...

I'm a very gifted student, you know, and I like to do my own thing.

Yeah, here's an idea. Do the work or do detention.

-Hey, Natster.

-No.

How about you do the work in French standing on your head on your own?

You and Nerdy Natalie were the worst double act ever.

I see. So you're saying that you eating this chip

with your fish finger would be as bad as all of those combos?

-No.

-You were, mate.

I am going to help you out here, OK?

Oh...

You know what? Wasn't actually that bad.

-MR BELL:

-Even for a nerveless professional like myself, it's

a daunting responsibility to know that here at Team Elmsmere,

we are nurturing the leaders of tomorrow.

Check out this new trick I invented.

Skateboarding with my finger up my nose.

Why has no-one else ever thought to do this?

Everyone else just does ollies and kick things. Well boring.

-Dash and blast it.

-I call it the nosyyyy!

HE CRASHES

-Problem?

-I'm fine! I might just lay on the gravel for a bit.

Tell Uncle Nero.

No. You won't be able to help.

It's not about dance or getting into trouble. It's a real problem.

Shut up! That's not the only thing I can do. I'm the Emperor Nero.

-Try me.

-Well, it's my writer activity badge.

I've got to write 500 words about a role model

I know with outstanding leadership qualities.

What? That's well easy.

-Come on, everyone.

-There's Dexter.

-Look, guys, I'm over here.

Am I invisible or something?

Maybe not.

-Come on!

-Nunn?

-Move it!

-Have you lost your mind?

-You're being chased by an angry farmer! He's got a stick!

-All right.

I'm just getting warmed up. Keep your woggle on.

I'm not wearing my woggle. It's not Thursday.

That's enough...erm...tricks for just now. I might just...

..sit here and look cool for a bit.

Listen, I've got the perfect subject for you.

A true leader of men.

I'm listening.

I know you're finding the song challenging but I think

if you run it through one last time as a team it will all come together.

Right, Miss Parkwood?

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, you're being serious.

-Yes.

-No, definitely not.

-Let's go.

-I knew you couldn't help with this.

Dexter just causes chaos. I suspect borderline personality disorder.

Will you stop shouting in my ear!?

You're the one that's doing the shouting.

Oh, not Dexter, you plank.

My cousin. Remember how we knocked that lame choir thing into shape?

You could write about Josh.

-What's up, divots?

-What are you doing here, king dropout?

I'm sorry. Am I late? I was too busy doing some...

# Vocal warm-ups. #

You see, a choir is like a big speaker of people.

-Ain't that right, Dexter?

-Kind of.

-So Tweeters on this side.

Woofers over there. Ash, you got a good set of pipes, yeah?

It's true. I'm a gifted man.

Well, maybe, you should stand at the back

so you can really give it some welly. Yeah?

Isaac, you need to sing in a higher key. And Eli...

Eli, my main man.

Move your mouth up and down, open, close, like you're singing.

But for me, don't let a sound come out.

Now, the rest of you, after three

give me an a-wimoweh. One, two, three.

# A-wimoweh. #

That sounded proper good, that did.

# A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh... #

You have to admit it.

The way Josh turned that whole thing around was well sick.

# In the jungle, the mighty jungle

# The lion sleeps tonight... #

# In the jungle, the big jungle

# The lion sleeps tonight... #

I'm supposed to write about a role model with leadership qualities,

not the raging egomaniac with control issues

and no sense of boundaries.

-Bit harsh.

-But true.

Remember Radio Elmsmere.

Agnes, message boards.

Isaac, I want you to do the weather. Eli, news. Ash, monkey news.

Owen, weird wiry hard stuff. Nero, tea boy.

And J Carter, superstar DJ.

What's going on, Elmsmere?

It's your main boy, J Carter, coming live

and exclusive from the J Carter Radio Show.

Text in to J Carter on the J Carter line, 47206.

Now we've got a banging chat coming up from none other than -

and I love this kid, if I do say so myself - it's J Carter.

-Didn't quite catch the name there.

-Think he said it were J Carter.

That wasn't leadership. That was just frightening.

I'm sorry if you misunderstood but I ain't hosting no community mashup.

Well, that's fine by us.

That's cute. So you think you can host a good show

without the one guy who actually knows what he's doing?

OK, think about it.

And when you do get your minds straight, call me. Yeah?

Something about microphones that turns your family into monsters.

What? What are you chatting about?

Owen, get me those tracks ASAP, bro. Eli, get me some water, yeah?

Everyone, sh.

OK, coming up, we've got some of your requests,

but first we got the latest from your boy Dizzee Rascal.

Get, get, get, get, yeah!

He might have gone mad with power.

Eli, where's the water, bro?

Fine. Find someone else to write about all by yourself.

As it happens, I think I have.

-Sure you have.

-I have.

Ah, yes, I thought so.

There is an alternative title for the writing badge.

"Write about how power corrupts in 500 words or less using

"examples from your personal experience."

You're perfect.

You're actually of some use. Weird.

-Oh, ouch.

-Shut up!

Oh, Not you. I twanged my nose.

Do you think it'll go back to normal?

-MR BELL:

-Of course, it's not just the pupils

I have inspired to work together.

The level and quality of team spirit among the staff at Elmsmere is

entirely my doing.

-Could you stop that?

-I could, but I don't want to.

-It's distracting.

-So?

-What are you doing that's so important?

-Leavers reports.

Oh, pull the other one, Harris. No-one cares about leaver reports.

Year 11 have gone.

Just put "good riddance to eggy rubbish" in all of them

and let's get down the dog.

-No. I'm doing these properly.

-Oh, suit yourself.

Who's next? Josh Carter? Have fun with that one, mate.

-Hey! Hey! No running!

-Yeah, whatever.

-Detention!

I think I might make a cup of tea first.

There's a new sheriff in town. I'm in charge of 4 O'Clock Club now.

Pew, pew!

-The man is a total hinge.

-He actually thinks he's the boss of us.

Ah! Biscuits.

-Josh, wait. Guess what. I got a us a gig.

-What?!

And we won't even have to travel. It's here at school tonight.

Are you crazy?

I know it's a little bit soon

but there's no need to be embarrassed of your songs.

-They're great.

-It's not the songs I'm embarrassed about.

So... Josh Carter's leaver report.

Yeah. Here we go. No more delays.

We're off. Now... Right now.

Oh, yeah. Um, Josh...

..Carter.

-What?

-You know what.

-You look very athletic in those pants, sir.

-Those were trunks.

-Well, they look like pants.

I can't believe you went on my laptop.

Oh, this was nothing to do with me, sir.

Josh Carter. Um...

-Was a right stinking nuisance.

-Was a pupil.

Look, the point is, I am the teacher here and I'm telling you.

-No, no, no. It's fine. I'll do it.

-Good man.

-I'm going to need the bleach, though.

-Good. Right.

-Hey!

-Or could be I won't be needing it after all.

-HE LAUGHS

-Hey! Hey!

Who was...um...

-One of the worst excuses for a human being I ever taught.

-Um, here.

# I wanted them for breakfast

# They went and had me for dinner

# Battling with me There'll only be one winner

# The first big test and I came up short

# It's nothing but a game and I'm the king of this sport

# Back to the drawing board to start again

# Facts on the scoring board, ten out of ten

# Cos I'm a true pro and he failed the teacher test

# Now I have to go home with my tail between my legs, I guess

# It's time to think of something new

# The guy's a runner-up, a classic number two

# Yep, I'll have to think of something new. #

-That will do. Sorted.

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Four o-flipping-clock. I'm out of here. Catch.

-Oh! Ooh! You ruined it!

-Unlucky.

-Sir?

-Go away now.

-In a minute.

-You know that spirit of togetherness thing?

-Erm, yes.

And the Elmsbury and Fowlmere living together in close harmony thing?

-Yes, Alicia. I'm glad you were listening.

-That's OK, sir.

Well, if all that's true,

how come you and Mrs O'Brien made such a rubbish team?

Well, that's because the woman was a complete...

..professional, and actually we made a perfect partnership.

Excuse me.

-Crispin Bell. Head teacher.

-I see. Aine O'Brien. Also head teacher.

Oh, yes. They said this would be a job share. For a time.

Well, until the governors decide,

we'll just have to manage between the two of us.

-Absolutely.

-Let me show you where you'll be working.

Oh! This is most...acceptable.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is my office.

You're next door.

I think it's important we have our own space.

-I...

-Good.

Now, whilst I'm here, perhaps we could talk about general standards

of discipline.

I put a lot of work into my school

and I don't want to see that undone by your pupils.

But this is Fowlmere. It's the worst school in the country.

-If anything, my lot will drive the standards up.

-Really?

With the likes of...

..Josh Carter, Ashley Newman, Zoe-Marie Ingham, Agness Addo.

Challenging students, of course. But not unmanageable.

Not with the right hand.

Even piranhas toe the line when the shark's in town.

Oh, right. Yeah.

-I see. Great partnership.

-Oh, shut up. Great partnership, my fat toe.

Without O'Brien, he'd have been head.

He would be doing important things instead of this bobbins video.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello? Yes. Yes.

Look, um...

Yes. Yeah, no. Everything's fine. Yeah.

Look, um... Look, ah... Let me call you back.

"Meeting with Mrs Hussain. Parents' Association."

# Oh, I see, I get it

# She wants to be the only one who gets the credit

# Cos if she's the only head and me, I can't contest it

# I get all the crumbs and she gets all the best bits

# Nice, big bench, big name on the stationery

# Nice, big chair over there for assembly

# Nice, big desk so nothing gets cluttered

# Nice, big office, I'm in a cupboard! #

This video is not bobbins.

It establishes me as the face of this school. Isn't that important?

Come off it. It's not like you're on telly or anything.

Who's going to see it? Some year sixes and their mums?

It is important. And I'm important. I am! I am!

# If I'd imagined that I'd ever become

# A co-head teacher, I'd have never begun

# Two heads are never better than one

# Two heads are never better than one

# Next she'll be getting all the governors on her side

# Put me on ice so she can take them for a ride

# But I know how to fight and fix things well

# She's underestimated Crispin Bell. #

But if you're so important, how come you ended up getting demoted?

Something is clearly deeply wrong at Elmsmere,

especially if this is what to expect from its highest achieving students.

I hold you two responsible.

-Don't make me leave.

-We shan't be firing anyone.

Instead, we'll be introducing a new senior head teaching position to

oversee the running of the school.

So who is it going to be?

Would you like to come in?

Aine. Crispin.

OK, you can go away now. Get Mr Nunn. Tell him to come here.

That is important.

And for your information, it wasn't a demotion!

It was just a rebalancing of the workforce.

Recycling the creative talent.

You what? Mr Bell wants me to stay late after school

to be at his lamebrain ego project video nasty?

-Yeah.

-No way. I'm going down the dog.

-He said it was important.

Oh, look, love. We don't need any more kids here.

If it was a video designed to keep the little hooligans away,

I'd be the first to sign up.

-But sir...

-I'll pass, OK?

-No!

Mr Bell said it was life or death.

SHE CRACKS HER KNUCKLES

It's a no-show from Mr Nunn.

Looks like I have to do everything myself.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

How best to describe the team here at Elmsmere?

Not just colleagues, not just teachers and pupils. No.

The best word to describe us is friends. Join us.

Yeah, that's it.

-Yeah, you're going to want to do that again.

-Oh, really?

And why is that, in your expert opinion?

Something that was happening in the back of shot.

Yeah, well, I'm sure it's fine. My performance was excellent.

Yeah, but, in the back...

Quiet. Don't you know that sir knows best?

"Sir knows best."

How best to describe the team here at Elmsmere?

Not just colleagues, not just teachers and pupils. No.

The best way to describe us

is friends. Join us.