Extracurricular Activities 4 O'Clock Files

Stay on me. I am, after all, the beating heart of this film.

Action.

-Welcome. My name...

-BOYS SHOUTING

Nice try.

-HE GROANS

-Detention!

HE TRILLS HIS LIPS LOUDLY

-FLEUR:

-Take two.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Welcome. My name is Bell. Crispin Bell. And as head teacher...

Former head teacher.

Former head teacher here at Elmsmere,

today I'll be showing you the caring and supportive environment that we

can offer to your delightful children.

Here you'll find it's not just about what goes on in the classroom.

We also strive to pass on new skills for practical situations too,

For the day will come when tiny fledglings need to

spread their wings and fly the nest I like to call school.

Flap, flap!

And I think I can say without fear of contradiction that the

bond between pupil and staff here is so supportive, something very...

HE GROANS

Wow. That must have really hurt. Gosh, I do hope that you're OK.

Shall we just get on with it?

HE CRACKS HIS NECK

HE LAUGHS

Oh. Just a little bit of War And Peace.

I often like to read boring and difficult books.

And here at Elmsmere, we cater for every type of student,

from the intellectual - like me -

-down to the...

-Total numpty, like you.

-Detention.

-And cut.

-Take two.

The broad syllabus and wide spectrum of extra-curricular activities...

-Oh, puh-lease.

-Excuse me?

-This is well boring.

This is for kids to watch, right?

-Persuade them to come to HELLsmere?

-Partly.

And to remind the governors that I'm

still a major figure within the school.

It's awful. Kids will hate it.

-Rubbish. Anyway, what do you know about that?

-I'm a kid.

You need to talk to us in language we'll understand.

Try saying, "OK.

"We do stupid maths and English but we do some almost fun stuff too."

Duh.

So, we do maths.

We're experts at maths.

I think it's great to be able to pass on my wealth of knowledge to

the next generation.

I can show you how to write "boobies" on a calculator.

We're inspirational at English.

Ding dong...comma.

Youre - without the E.

Your possessive pronouns - Mum's.

That's Mum apostrophe S, as in,

"Ding dong, your mum IS a hairy moose,"

and that's M-O-O-S-E.

She's a great big smelly thing with antlers,

not a strawberry-flavoured dessert.

We do some almost fun stuff too.

-For example... Oh. Hey! You there.

-HE CHUCKLES

Why not tell our prospective new pupils all about the athletic

endeavours within which you can particulate here at Elmsmere?

He means go on about PE and that.

Ah, right! Why didn't you say?

You don't learn, do you? Typical teacher.

I don't really like PE.

Rubina Carr says there's one-eyed cockroaches living in the showers.

FLEUR LAUGHS

As the saying says, healthy body, healthy mind.

And under my rule, and beyond,

Elmsmere has become famous for encouraging physical activity

in all its forms.

Nice shot.

So, during their time here, many children find that they achieve far

more athletically speaking than they ever could have hoped.

-I reckon that's true, actually.

-I'm warning you, Murphy. I mean, um...

Go on.

-I agree. I reckon that if you come here...

-Hold on. Look, give me that.

Give me...

You were saying?

Just that if you come here, you do end up running all the time.

Do go on.

-Oi! Carter!

-FLEUR:

-Well, you run because you can't hide.

Like from the hard kids.

STUDENTS CHEER

-ELEESHA:

-And from the teachers.

Yeah. Especially from the teachers.

Out of the way.

Uh, there's a mad bull!

HE GROANS

-Argh! Brain freeze.

-Come on, Ash. Stop eating.

Detention, all of you!

-That's not what I meant.

-Sorry, sir.

Did tell you to talk in a language kids would understand.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Have you two heard this?

Apparently, the best students also make the best marathon runners.

-Yeah?

-HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Big whoop. "Ooh, I'm clever and I can run to Burnley and back

"and I'm still breathing."

-"And I'm rubbish with girls."

-HE LAUGHS

Yeah, but that means that you could say that education

pays off in the long run.

In the long run. See?

I'm doing a stand-up routine at the next Scout jamboree.

That's my opening joke. Ba-dum-tss.

-It's funny.

-It's garbage.

Mr Nunn's good at running and there ain't no way he was a good student.

So, how is this a drama lesson again, sir?

It's the beautiful game, Murphy. It's pure drama.

-Well, I've got this Romeo And Juliet speech and I was so...

-Sh!

I'm here with the man responsible for ensuring that Elmsmere

students are fine physical specimens as well as mental ones -

Mr Graham Nunn.

Not a man I hired, but, uh, an adequate teacher, I'm sure.

I meant...meant to do that.

Right. You got five minutes. Hit me.

Graham, before we start,

how about you run through a few of your qualifications?

-Qualifications?

-University degrees.

Professional body registrations.

St John's Ambulance first aid certificates.

Now, look, a bit of paper from some two-bit college ain't going to help

anyone when the rugby ball needs twanging.

The most important thing about sport is to be good at it.

But you are actually qualified...

Speaking of which, your lot are shocking.

Watching your lot play football

is like watching a baby nutting a kitten -

funny at first, but in the end, just a waste of everyone's time.

Rubbish.

There are some excellent athletic specimens among my so-called lot.

How about pretty much the entire cross-country team, for starters?

Next item - Mr Nunn's cross-country team to represent Elmsmere at this

Friday's borough trials.

And I'm sure you'd all like to join me in congratulating Ashley Newman,

Agness Addo, Zoe-Marie Ingham, Isaac Rodgers and Josh Carter.

STUDENTS BOO

A fair few Elmsbury names in there.

-A fluke.

-I don't think so.

-I do.

That cross-country was a total one-off.

That shower usually couldn't run a bath.

HE CHUCKLES

WHISTLE BLOWING

-The race is this way.

-Yeah, and the bunking off's this way.

-MR NUNN:

-Get your back into it!

-You'll get in trouble.

-Fine. Have it your way, you Fowlmere baby.

I'm not a baby. I've never been a baby.

I think you'll find it was just a freak good day.

And I think you'll find that it was actually an example of strong

Elmsbury athletic stock.

I think you'll find there was just some blatant cheating.

-HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

-Oi! Back around there.

And back on me. Back on me.

-And also don't be so ridiculous. They didn't cheat.

-No. No way.

-Not with me in charge.

-For one.

-Yeah.

Quick, they're coming. Act like you're tired.

THEY GROAN AND PANT

-How did you get back before I did?

-Uh, talent.

Sir, they cheated.

Sir, even look at Isaac's shoes. He ran so hard that they fell apart.

Oh, yeah. Maybe I can give you the benefit of the doubt.

Well done.

Very disappointing.

HE LAUGHS

I'm an intimidating man, you see,

and I don't apologise for it either.

It's probably because of my combat training.

-FLEUR LAUGHS

-What's that, Murphy?

You want to do ten laps of the field?

And now for the practical side.

Perhaps you can tell us what sports are actually on offer here.

Well, why don't I tell you what sports AREN'T on offer here?

Because someone stuck their little girly nose in

where it wasn't wanted.

Hey, Murphy? Do you remember boxing club? I do.

The noble art of biffing someone you don't like into bloody submission,

flushed down the toilet because of political correctness gone mad.

-What are you doing, sir?

-Nothing to do with you, sweetheart. Run along.

-Uh, why does it say "for boys only"?

-Uh, cos it's a boxing club.

What - are you saying that girls can't box?

-No, I'm not saying they can't, I'm saying they're rubbish at it.

-Why?

Evolution.

Look, basically, women have got small, flimsy arms for sewing and

cooking, whilst men have got big,

-muscly arms for fighting sabre-tooth tigers.

-Uh, isn't that a bit sexist?

It's not sexist.

I'm just saying that a woman boxing is like a dog riding a skateboard.

It's just wrong.

Oh, boxing! Can I join?

-HE LAUGHS

-Of course you can.

Show us your left hook. There we go.

You should be ashamed of yourself,

spoiling it for the ones that matter.

That's the boys.

Oi, sir! Mr Nunn is being sexist again.

HE SIGHS

-BOXING BELL DINGING BOTH:

-# What?

# Who says that girls can't box?

# We're female We're used to fighting a lot

# So, Mr Nunn, you don't know what you done

# And your best bet now is probably just run

# Pow! Aren't you laughing now?

# Gloved up with a plastic thing in my mouth

-# Pow!

-# Knock anybody out

# If I had to, your whole crew be like "wow"

# Step into the ring, now you don't know what to do

# Princess and fairy wings was Year Two

# Just cos we're smaller, with nicer hair

# Doesn't mean that we ain't fighters, yeah

# And anything you can do, we can do better

# Second-class citizens once, but now we're fed up

# You ain't had a test like this before

# It's a scientific fact that we're more mature

# So stick it up your bogey-filled nose if you're sexist

# What's the most embarrassing thing on your checklist?

# Number one worst thing in the whole world?

# Probably getting beaten up by a girl!

POW!

# Who says that girls can't box?

# We're female We're used to fighting a lot

# So, Mr Nunn, you don't know what you done

# And your best bet now is probably just run

# Pow! #

Listen up, girly-o.

You can stop that policing because, let's face it,

he can't help you out now, can he?

-HE PRETENDS TO COUGH

-Demoted.

I beg your pardon.

And you haven't got Miss Old Stick Your Nose In Where It Isn't

Welcome to stand up for your so-called rights either.

-Ah! Just the man I'm looking for.

-Mrs O'B. Fancy a spar?

Well, according to these girls, I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Oh, look, it's not sexism.

I'm just saying if the girls come along, it'll ruin it for the boys.

Oi, you two! Left, right, left, right!

Are you aware, Mr Nunn, that this

school has a strict anti-discrimination policy?

You what?

I want this boxing club open to girls or I am closing it down.

Listen, love...

May I remind you, Mr Nunn, that as head teacher of this school,

I am your line manager.

And, girls, I can't wait to see you in action.

Uh...er, we don't actually want to box, miss.

It's just the principle of it.

Don't let him intimidate you. If you want to box, you go for it.

Oh, and strictly warm-ups. No sparring.

I don't want lawyers' letters like

that mixed-age Rugby match at the open day.

That wasn't my fault.

I mean, what sort of berk chokes on his own tooth?

-MR BELL:

-You're ruining a perfectly good marketing tool.

It's completely outrageous.

-MR NUNN:

-I just tell it how I see it.

And I see a has-been trying to boss everyone around to make himself

-feel better.

-Feel better? You wait till I'm head.

OK, the whole boxing thing, I just wanted to say it was an important

point of principle but it just got a bit out of hand, that's all.

-BOYS:

-Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

-Whoa, girls!

-She started it.

-I never!

-I don't care who started it. Bring it on!

Maybe I underestimated you two.

Right - you in that corner, you over there.

Now, I want no biting and a good, clean fight.

HE BLOWS THE WHISTLE

-MRS O'BRIEN:

-What's this?

-Uh... All right.

I was just showing them

what sparring looks like so they can avoid it.

You know, for their own safety.

-That's it. I'm shutting this club down.

-What?!

I can't have pupils fighting in my school.

Girls, I am very disappointed in you.

When I said get back in the ring, this is not what I had in mind.

-CAMERA BEEPING

-How do you even know it's on?

Oh, right. There we go. That's it.

Good.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Ahh.

-HE CHUCKLES

Cheers.

Mmm.

Elmsmere doesn't just offer your child exciting sports

and interesting lessons.

Our extra-curricular curriculum also offers the thrill of regular

visits from local businesses and the community.

Right, then. Careers fair.

Sir John Wintersun, local businessman.

Owner of a string of discount stores. Getting a lot of press.

-Now, he'd be a good visitor.

-Good idea.

That'll get the kids talking about starting their own businesses.

Or more realistically, the chances of them

getting a job behind one of his checkouts.

-I'm all over it. Leave it with me.

-Hmm.

Now, I don't like to blow my own trumpet, but that was

actually my idea, so...maybe a little toot-toot isn't out of order.

-Toodle-ee-toot!

-HE LAUGHS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

PHONE RINGING

-Good night.

-Night, Mr Wintersun, sir.

-MR BELL:

-After all, that's why we're here...

You might catch him before he leaves. I'll try to put you through.

..to help the younger and, frankly, more foolish generation to step up

and take responsibility for their own careers and life choices.

And my staff...THE staff are here to help them do that.

-Just one moment, please.

-No! Wait! There's no time.

-Sorry?

I'm Dexter Harris, calling from Elmsbury Academy.

Now, I know this is ridiculously short notice, but would you like to

be the special guest of honour at our careers day tomorrow afternoon?

I'm not the guy you want. You want someone else.

No. Really, we don't want anyone else from that office. No-one else.

-We want you. You're exactly what our school aspires to.

-Really?

You won't be needed for more than 20 minutes.

I'll send a car for you at your office,

and all you have to do is turn up and just be you.

-Go on, then.

-Yes!

-I'll make my own way there.

Thank you so much for this. You won't regret it. Thank you. Bye.

Any problems that may have occurred were entirely the fault of others.

I was completely blameless.

I might not even have been there at the time.

-Here's your stall. As you can see, I've...

-Ah.

I can see what's happened here.

Mr Harris, I think you've made a mistake.

Aaarrggghhh!

Sorry. Stubbed my toe.

OK, what do you know about business?

If whoever did it hasn't flushed, it's up to me.

OK. OK. Here's what we do.

If anybody asks you anything, just tell them

that in the current economic climate, it's difficult to say.

Just like you know exactly what you're talking about. OK?

Sir Wintersun.

What an honour. How are you?

In the current economic climate, it's difficult to say.

True. Very true.

Here at Elmsmere, we think it's vital that our pupils

experience what the world out there has to offer.

After all, we're preparing them to be the next skilled

and knowledgeable workforce of the future.

-Can't believe we're nearly at the end.

-Me neither.

Three Mega Icetastic Slurpees in one lunch break?

-Said it couldn't be done. Eat your words, haters.

-I meant school.

I'll be the first one out of my family to finish Year 11 without

being thrown out or being sent to live with my Auntie Ishbel.

-Bring it on, I say. Bring it on.

-So...what are we going to do now?

-Play Zombie Bat Killer 4.

-Forever?

-If need be, my friend.

If need be.

Right now, we're the only thing standing between earth

and that massive gang of undead leathery bat jobs.

-Speaking of jobs...

-Don't you dare.

I have peered into the world of work and I did not like what I saw.

You can count me out.

Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.

Ash.

Work experience, innit, Mrs J. I'm with my Uncle Kev.

He's packing up.

Uh, sink, is it?

Friends and family discount?

Argh! Oi!

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Well, you see, there's your main problem right there.

So, um, Josh, what do you do for work experience?

I'm not doing anything, Nero. I want to be a rapper.

What's working as a skivvy in some shop going to do for me?

Uh, apart from giving you valuable experience of life in the real world?

-JOSH LAUGHS

-And cash.

You are joking, right? It's work experience.

You're doing it for nothing.

You what?

I've just spent the last half hour

with my hand up some old scuffer's manky pipes.

HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

Oi! Kev!

So...you don't want a job. What about me, though?

What am I going to do?

I like this game. Let me think. I'm never wrong.

I'd rule out anything to do with building or fixing things.

-Too many old ladies' toilets. And catering's a non-starter.

-Oh, yeah.

So, what are we going to cook?

-Apple pie?

-Where are we going to get apples?

-Steal them from a pig.

Don't be stupid. You haven't got a pig.

It'd be good if it was something we could get for free.

Well, nettles are free.

I ain't eating nettles.

You eat nettles if you want to get your face stung so badly.

-What about that chicken?

-Yeah, like there's a chick...

CHICKEN CLUCKING

-Aw!

-Eugh.

Chicken pie. Everyone loves chicken pie.

-Wouldn't that kind of mean...killing it?

-What? Will it?

-I ain't doing it.

I don't kill nothing apart from something I can squash in a magazine.

Don't look at me. I'm not doing it. Would you do it?

-I ain't doing it.

-Well, you suggested it.

Yeah, you big chicken-suggester. Or are you a chicken like the chicken?

No.

-Me and Ash'll do it.

-What? Hang on.

-Yeah. We off it and you cook it.

-How's that?

-Fine by me.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Fine, then.

-But we can't execute Mrs McClucky.

-Don't give it a name.

Just makes it harder.

I think we can rule out anything where you have to kill stuff.

Hey, I tried. We both failed.

He's looking at me.

Can we get a blindfold or something?

Where are we going to get a blindfold for a chicken?

Not for it - for me.

The girls are going to think we are proper wimps.

-Do it.

-No, you do it.

-You do it.

-No, you do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-Nah, you do it.

-You do it.

Nah, you do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You.

-Do it. You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

-You do it.

# Oh, sorry, Dr Strangecluck Life is tough

# Only the tough survive and I'm tough, bro

# Top of the food chain That's just how it is

# Chickens get breadcrumbed and served with chips

# So here, chicky, chicky, it's time to do this

# I can do this. #

I can't do this.

# This is foolish I ain't whacking him

# Maybe we could just help it to have an accident

# Walk in the path of a firework rocket

# Or put some chicken feed in a live plug socket

# Why did the chicken cross the road?

# Cos it was rush hour and she does what she's told

# Oh, I'd rather be anywhere else in the world

# But no, I can't look weak in front of the girls

# This is crazy

# Just the thought's got me feeling iller

# It's a living thing, man I'm not a chicken killer. #

You know what? I can't finish this.

Three Mega Icetastic Slurpees is just too much.

A dream died here today.

Whatever. Tell me what I'm going to do.

You're going to...

..do your nut.

Ohh!

-HE LAUGHS

-Chase me, chase me!

SCHOOL BELL RINGING

I cannot believe you just said that. "Young lady"? Young lady?

-Who are you calling a lady? That's well sexist, that is.

-No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is. It well is. Don't tell me what's sexist and not sexist.

That's totally sexist, you great big man.

I'm going to report you to the International Human Court Of Sexist.

This school is well outrageous.

-FLEUR:

-Zoe-Marie interview, take two.

-Action.

-So, this young...female...is Zoe-Marie Ingham.

Her time at her beloved Elmsmere is almost over.

-She's ready to spread her wings and fly.

-Make up your mind.

Am I a lady or a bird? Or a ladybird?

Who are you calling a red, spotty insect?

You should be setting an example,

not going around being a great big insect insulter.

Fine. Just tell the camera about some school trips you've been on.

Tell me where the hair and make-up van is and I'll think about it.

Please put your bag towards the rear of the coach.

And check they're fastened.

Oi, Bonzo, watch where you're clonking your big clown shoes.

That's genuine counterfeit Italian. Can't just get that from anywhere.

-Yeah. They only sell them off the back of trucks.

-Shut up.

-At least mine aren't covered with bats and cobwebs.

-OK, OK.

Just leave it towards the rear of the coach, please.

Shove off it, bag botherer.

Good to see you've got everything under control.

-And he actually fell for this?

-I even made it on his printer, mate.

He really thinks it's all tents and campfires.

He has no idea what Sun Forest actually is.

# You guys are going to love every minute

# No phones, no gadgets, no internet - bin it

# Forget about your social networks

# I can show you how growing your own veg works

# These city kids act so tough

# But I bet that they're puppies when they're out in the rough

# I'll show them and Mel who's the organised guy

# Cos I planned ahead for the trip of a lifetime

# They're going to love this trip Yep, I guarantee it

# You're going to love this trip Yeah, I guarantee it

# They're going to love this trip I guarantee it

# I'm the man with the plan You have to see it to believe it

# What? A plan? Of course I've got a plan

# I don't ever play it by ear Now watch the man

# Turn this trip from hell to heaven greeting us on earth

# What a treat that you get to see a genius at work

# And I can guarantee you won't be hassled by rats and fleas

# Or have to make some tacky little house out of trees

# With me around, you should be well chuffed, girl

# You'll never have to poo in a self-dug hole

# You'll never have to sit on a log where a mouse sat

# You won't fall face-first in a cowpat

# You see, nature has nothing to offer me

# It can't even do the basics properly

# You're going to love this trip Yep, I guarantee it

# You're going to love this trip Yep, I guarantee it

# You're going to love this trip I guarantee it

-BOTH:

-# I'm the man with the plan You have to see it to believe it

# Yeah! #

I ain't saying nothing about that outdoorsy tent old one.

That was well stressy.

Apart from when we went to that wicked

theme park by mistake cos Mr Harris is a pushover.

Only he didn't stay pushed over. Well unfair.

-He's like some kind of Weeble.

-FLEUR:

-Cut.

-You are a genius, Josh Carter.

-A week at a theme park.

You're going down in history, man.

Good, but not as good as that time Shelby Turner dropped her beret

on a dog and Shelby Jackson said it looked better.

-Shelby Jackson can't talk. She looks like an otter.

-Cut.

-So what did they say? Have we come to the wrong place?

-No. No mistake.

It's a campsite attached to a theme park.

You know, it really is a shame about those cowpats, man.

Yeah - like, I was really looking forward to stepping in them.

I guess we're just going to have to cope with the rides

and the luxury caravans.

Josh, with me. Now.

And then Mr Harris freaked the flip out because he was like,

"I'm a teacher, I might have some fun by mistake."

-The theme-park-hating loser sandwich.

-Cut.

-This is supposed to be an educational trip.

-Oh, come on.

It is educational.

We'll learn about being spun upside down, really fast.

Come on, Dexter. It's already been arranged.

Yeah, well, I've un-arranged it.

And I'll make sure everyone knows this is your fault.

So we had to leave, which was well unfair.

Almost as bad as that time I got grounded for telling

Small Edward I was going to end him

because he wouldn't let me kick his fence down.

Firstly, I notice a lot of you have brought gadgets.

So I want you to put them all in this bag.

-STUDENTS GROAN

-Come on.

Games, phones. Hand them over.

We're actually going to talk to each other for a change.

-GAME BLEEPING

-And you, Ash.

What? But I almost killed the zombie ostrich.

-You touch my music, you die.

-Right.

Well, maybe Miss Poppy can look after these.

Now, for the rest of the day, I want you all to imagine that you've been

dropped in the middle of nowhere without any equipment.

So, your first task is to build a shelter

and a campfire over there in the woods.

Why do I have to rough it and starve to flipping death on nuts

and berries and snakes and, like, wild hamster milk?

Cut.

-OK, let's get building.

-With what?

I think you've forgotten the building equipment, sir.

There's no equipment. That's the point.

-We have to use whatever we find.

-Like what? Dead squirrels?

I ain't touching none of that. I just had my nails done.

I had more fun at the dentist when a summer wasp flew in the window.

Cut!

You talk a lot. You know that? It's well rude.

Look, the idea is we explore the forest and see

-if we can live with whatever nature provides.

-What - like a tramp?

-I ain't doing no tramping lessons.

-No - like Ray Mears.

He lived in a swamp and he ate elephant poo.

MR BELL SIGHS

You must have learnt something from the trip, surely.

Yeah - to never go on a school trip. Sorted.

And what if it rains? Or if there's animals in there?

And how are we supposed to keep warm?

-And what are we supposed to sit on?

-And what if we get dirty?

Don't think people can live with nature, sir.

Just doesn't really work.

Actually, there was one good thing that came out of that trip.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Hanging round that outdoor thingy

all the time in all that fresh doodah,

I got this minging cold which lasted for ages,

so I got a whole week off school. Buzzing.

Sugar sweetens the cake. Eggs bind it together.

And Tuesday Subbuteo may be all it takes for your child to

find his experiences here tolerable.

But as I always say, within each child there is a special light.

A special... Oh, come on!

Work! Please!

-FLEUR:

-Is that what you do to all your special lights, sir?

Shut up, Murphy!

As I also say...

..education is about dedication.

You give a child a job

-and he'll finish the tools.

-SHE GIGGLES

-HE SIGHS

-Just forget it.

-It's been a long day.

-Don't worry, sir.

No-one's going to watch this anyway.