Mr Bell films a video prospectus for Elmsmere. Mr Bell emphasises school discipline in his next video, but the pupils are more interested in the unwritten school rules.
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What do you think my motivation is for this one?
Welcome. My name is Mr...
Oh, dear, Barlow.
That's rather ruined your attempt to brain me, hasn't it?
HE BLOWS LIPS
Welcome. My name is Bell. Crispin Bell.
-And as headteacher...
..former headteacher here at Elmsmere,
today I'll be showing you the caring and supportive environment
that we can offer to your...delightful children.
Even in a forward-thinking school such as this one, it's crucial
to maintain the more traditional values of order and discipline.
You could say it's like the dorsal fin steering the killer shark
I like to call school.
And I think I can say without fear of contradiction that the
bond between pupil and staff here is so supportive, something...
It's OK. It's OK, it's just a flesh wound.
You've cracked my blinking lens!
Like a cat without a tail,
no school can operate without strong discipline.
And so I'd like to introduce a key figure here at Elmsmere.
You know, you do get cats without tails, they're called Man...
-Shut up. Shut up.
From day one, Mr Harris worked hard to earn my trust.
You have all the tools you need now.
So if you can't make your "4 O'Clock Club" behave,
then you've only yourself to blame.
I expect results.
Even if sometimes he didn't achieve it.
-Molly, what are you doing?
-I meant to get him.
-Cut that out, that's enough!
'As the teacher in charge of detention,
'Mr Harris is the front line of Elmsmere's discipline policy.'
What is going on out here?
'Although detention is, of course, always a last resort.'
You lot, detention.
25 seconds we've been here.
Yes! New record!
So, Mr Harris. Tell us, how you do it?
That was pathetic.
Shut up, Murphy. And detention.
And, Mr Harris, didn't you read that script I sent you?
I've been busy, er, actually teaching
instead of talking about teaching.
I did bring it along, though.
This video is my chance!
To re-establish myself as a force within this school.
I need you to deliver for me, Mr Harris!
Right. No change there, then.
This is my first assembly of the merger.
I really want to make a good impression on...
-Get inside, Carter.
And take your small cousin with you.
-Come on, tiny man.
Which ding-dong called me small?
I hope you haven't forgotten Friday's assembly, Harris.
-No, I've got tonnes of ideas.
-So I should hope.
As a former Elmsbury teacher,
I'm relying on you to make a good impression.
Don't make me regret it.
So, Mr Harris?
Our approach to discipline here at Elmsmere
is what I like to describe as...robust but fair.
-Over the years...
-Over the years, Mr Harris has introduced a range of
initiatives, usually after a casual chat with yours truly,
to ensure the smooth running of the school.
I want Elmsbury to be a safe and trusting environment for everyone.
Which is why we're also installing these security cameras.
Contribute during lessons
and you can earn yourself stickers for great prizes.
Like this stylish good buddy hoodie.
HE WOLF WHISTLES
Christmas is cancelled.
As are all celebrations of any kind.
We feel it isn't worth risking offence by favouring any one
festival over another.
I'm glad I'm not the one that's going to break the news to the kids.
Mr Harris, Mr Bell would like you to announce it to the students.
And so, December at Elmsbury will be an ordinary month
with no celebrations of any kind.
No Christmas? This place is well evil.
It's like a flipping damage factory.
In your own words, if necessary.
Well, it's important to strike a balance.
Come down too tough and you risk creating resentment.
# Dexter Harris No nickname required
# Elmsbury just found a hit man for hire
# School hero Tick that off my check list
# 4 O'Clock Club I could eat that for breakfast
# Andress and Bell They just wanna see
# How good I am And how tough I can be
# Hope the 4 O'Clock Club are good listeners
# Dexter Harris, he takes no prisoners
# Yep, it's time for something new
# New, new, new... #
Detention! Tonight, all of you.
-If you don't like it, you can have detention tomorrow, too.
We didn't do anything.
What's that you say? You want a detention for the next three nights?
-OK, you got it.
-LAUGHING: You're in detention.
And you can have detention for laughing at their bad luck.
And an extra one for kicking a bin.
You can't hand out detentions like they're sweets, mate.
Oh, yes, I can.
And you can have another one for calling a teacher "mate."
-It's not respectful.
Detention! And you for laughing.
That's what, four, five for Josh and three for you?
I'll have to tot them up and let you know tonight.
Although, of course, you'll agree it's crucial to let
-the pupils know who's boss.
Murphy! No tittering!
Right, I'm going to turn tonight's 4 O'Clock Club into a war zone.
A few well placed words in the right ears
and then we'll see who's really in charge.
Agness, Agness, have you seen Zoe Marie?
Not since last session, why?
Oh, it's just I heard that she, um, she kicked your little sister.
And so it begins.
So Agness said I live in a tent, did she?
What do I look like, a tent lord?
I'm going to turn her head into a tent and punch its door in.
Don't shoot the messenger here, but I heard Zoe Marie tell people
that you said you want to be a prefect.
What?! I'll crush her tiny pea-brain!
And now, tell us how you deal with a potential disciplinary flash point.
Like say, two students having a fight.
Pray? Beg? Close my eyes and hope for the best?
I try to remember what I like to call the three Cs -
control, calmness and confidence.
Come on, you can do this. You're their worst nightmare.
I've got a question.
What's your worst nightmare?
Getting bitten by a camel.
Not any more. Now it's me.
I want you to sit quietly and think about everything that led to you
being here tonight.
Sit quietly AND think? Pff! Talk about multi-tasking.
You're late... Agness, isn't it?
-Zoe Marie, why did you kick my sister?
You're the one telling everyone I live in a tent.
I don't want people thinking I'm some dirty weirdo
-who lives in a tent.
-Here we go.
-I never said that.
OK, well, firstly, there's nothing wrong with living in a tent.
But I don't live in a tent. Why are you saying I live in a tent?
You live in a tent. You're a tent lord.
-Sir, she kicked my sister.
-I'll kick you in a minute.
Violence is not the answer. As Martin Luther King said...
OK, I'm afraid you're late as well.
Sir, Martin Luther King did not say that.
Why did you tell people I wanted to be a prefect?!
-I did not!
-Yes, you did!
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
I really think that's enough.
CROWD: Fight, fight, fight....
All of you behave. You are in detention.
This is the best detention ever.
They're about to have a fight because of you.
I'm getting a better place.
OK, right, that's it.
People! Detention's over.
Yeah, go on. Go home.
I suggest you have a good think about everything you've
-Sir, are you sure?
The biggest thing, I think it's...
To make sure that the punishment fits the crime?
-To give them a short, sharp shock.
To scare the little horrors so much that it puts them
-back on the straight and narrow?
-To keep a sense of perspective.
Agness, where's that homework?
Actually, sir, could I have a quiet word?
-No, you can't!
-Look, sir, you see, it's my mum.
-I don't want to hear it.
I've had enough of your excuses. All of you. Have you done it or not?
-Well, detention for you, too.
-Sir, you can't.
And order is restored.
I don't believe this. No homework and now out of school.
-I can't believe I gave you a chance.
-I don't want to hear it.
-Back to school now.
-I'm not listening.
-Yeah, see how you like it.
You've got to remember that even though they're challenging pupils,
-they're people, too.
Oh. You're serious.
The way I see it, kids aren't just bad for no reason.
Where were you? I told you not to leave him.
I was only gone for a minute.
What would happen if someone had ran off with him?
-I've got to look after you, haven't I?
There's often all sorts of things going on in the background that we,
as teachers, don't know about.
# I'm not the rules
# I'm a fool
# So focused on myself
# That didn't see it all
# There I am acting as the world's hardest teacher
# She nearly left a baby unattended in the street, oh
# Trying not to be a clown
# Let a girl down
# I'm a bigger clown now
# With all that Agness has to do on her own
# Can't even imagine what she's going through at home
# Guess it puts it all in perspective
# Now I know why she was being so overprotective
# Suddenly I feel so selfish
# Trying to help myself when there's a good girl helpless
# Why did I never ask her before
# Why she's always tired Hands rough from the chores
# Maybe she thinks it's normal To me, it's totally crazy
# She's just a baby who's taking care of a baby. #
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, Agness.
I'll get you some help, yeah?
See if I can sort out some extra tuition on your reading.
I don't want people to think I'm stupid.
No, come on, you're not stupid.
What you've been doing for your mum is incredible.
Thank you, Mr Harris, for your doubtless well-meant
but largely misguided views.
Rest assured, parents, that rules are rules,
and those rules are enforced. Without exception.
You, girl, I'm parched.
If you make me a cup of tea, I'll let you off that detention.
I said cut!
No, I don't want to hear your rules for dating.
Course you do. Just a few things to bear in mind
and then you'll be a massive hit with the ladies. Like me.
Hello, gorgeous. How would you like to come to the disco with me?
-You know, as a date.
-Um... I'll think about it.
Is that a no?
How would you like to come to the disco with me? Like, as a date.
How would you like to come to the disco with me?
-You asked me already.
-Uh, are we on?
-I'll think about it.
-I said no.
-I understand. You are embarrassed.
You don't want to admit how little you know.
But listen to me, Isaac, soon,
women will find it's impossible to resist even...your charms.
-Can I bring my date up here, you know, for a decent view?
-Brilliant, I knew one of you would come.
Erm... Nothing, nothing.
-Do you want some juice?
-Yeah, I love juice.
Great. It's just over here.
Erm, I'll see you there.
-Have you come as my date?
However, ignore what I'm about to say and you run
the risk of your love life spiralling into chaos.
So, this is nice.
-Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?
-Maybe we should hit the dance floor.
-Yeah, you know, get the mosh pit started.
-I meant Natalie.
-Oh, right. Sorry.
-Is he always this stupid?
-Who, Ash? Yeah.
All right, I'm going.
But you are the stupid one
-if you think you can get a snog off of her.
-What's he on about?
-Oh, ignore him. He's just jealous.
He would have loved to got that letter off you.
-What, the one about the kissing?
-Well, he did.
I gave one to everyone.
-It's the same rules for everyone, Ryan.
No kissing in the fire lanes. Or anywhere else, ideally.
Sorry, I'm a bit confused.
-The letter you left with your bra in my cello case.
You didn't leave this letter?
-What about this?
-No, I didn't!
-So there is no chance of a snog, then?
-Oh, go on.
-See, I've got this bet with Ash.
You'd be amazed how even the most sussed people
can get it so, so wrong.
-Hey, hey, hey, R to the C.
-So, what are you up to?
Standing by my locker getting my books out.
Funny. So, uh, thanks for the add.
-Last night on Facebook.
Oh, YOU'RE J Hyphen.
It's just a stage name, you know, so people don't bother me
whilst I'm chillaxing.
Oh, I thought it was Neil from French.
He's always making up stupid, fake profiles to wire me up.
-Not that your profile picture is stupid.
Although, you do look different.
Well, you know,
when I'm outside of school, I just like to switch it up some times.
Like, that's my chilling face, like, um...
Right. Well, it's French now, so see you later.
Yeah, man, everything is totally fine. Sorted.
-We're meeting up after school tomorrow.
-Mate, we heard every word.
I don't understand, man, it just fell to pieces.
OK. That were bad.
It was worse than bad.
It was like watching a hamster get run over by its own wheel.
-I guess I'll see you at the ball tonight.
Come on, then. Who is she?
-Oh, she's not. I don't have one.
Oh, my gosh, you can't just totally bodge, you fibulator.
Ash already told us that he went to your house and you were like,
"No, you can't come in because I'm with my girlfriend." So, dish.
-What's her problem?
-Is that your girlfriend?
She's not anymore, is she?
Ah, I don't know. You'd think Josh would learn.
But that was your fault.
Hopeless, isn't he?
Maybe we can, uh, catch up and talk music over a burger or something?
-Sure. When's good?
-I've got a gap in my schedule right now.
And could you bring one of your friends?
Preferably a sparkly one cos I do like them feisty.
They're all busy tonight. Maybe another time.
That's what you do all the time, then.
-Josh gets somewhere with Rachel and then you...mess it up.
Uh, hello? It wasn't me that invited her to that gig, was it?
Look, Mum, this is High Q, OK? THE High Q.
It's the only UK show he's doing. The ticket sold out in days.
It's going to be the gig of a lifetime.
Well, then I'm sure you'll get a good price for them, eh?
-I'll have them.
-You're not going either.
Listen, you're not going to some huge arena concert on your own.
I'm not going on my own, actually.
Well, you'll have to un-ask her.
Listen, the only way that you're going to a concert
is if you go with an adult.
An adult? What adult, Mum?
All set for a fun day's learning?
-No, no. No, no, come on.
So I'm going to a High Q gig with a teacher.
-How am I supposed to tell Rachel?
-Maybe it's for the best.
-You always let her down anyway.
-I do not.
When you gave her a CD full of bum photos.
-And lured her into the box for that made-up radio show.
And sang her that romantic song that set all the fire alarms off.
Yeah, all right, I get the point.
But I'm not going to let her down this time.
Except you haven't got a ticket.
Yeah, she hasn't said yes yet, has she? A bit of luck, she'll be busy.
She won't be busy. You'll let her down.
-Listen, Josh, you know that gig you invited me to?
-The thing is, I...
-You can't go. That's fine, I understand.
-No, no, I can go. But I have to be home by midnight.
-That'll be OK, won't it?
-Yeah. Yeah, of course.
-You still want to go, yeah?
-He's definitely got the tickets, you know?
-Everything is fine.
He messed it up all by himself. It was absolutely nothing to do with me?
The biggest thing little Josh did wrong was
he ignored Ash Newman's first rule of dating.
All right, tell me.
Never look as if you are about to throw up over your date.
Oh, what's the matter with you?
I had one of those quiches yesterday and I think it gave me
-Really? You look awful.
Are you going to be OK to go out tonight?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
(I'm just pretending.)
-Yeah, to have a cold, but really he's got food poisoning.
-Josh, have you got food poisoning or flu or what?
We'd love to hear.
-Or maybe you are just trying to get out of your date.
Look, I am ill. I have quiche poisoning. Bleurgh!
But Josh was just pretending to be sick.
Them's the rules. It doesn't matter how good your explanation is.
Girls get really funny
if they think you are about to do a massive vom all over them.
Are you a loner? Cos if you are, then we can't go out, can we?
Right, well, I am pretending and I am definitely not ill at all.
-Right, fine. Just trying to get out of the date, then.
What? No, wait...
Rachel, no, wait. I was just...
-Look, I really need to apologise to you.
What is with you, Josh?
You say you like me, but then you do all this weird stuff.
Look, me pretending that I was ill wasn't to get out of our date.
-It's just Nero, man.
-I don't really care about Nero, Josh.
Just tell me this - are we definitely going out tonight?
Well, the thing is... I ain't got you a ticket.
What? Why did you invite me, then?
-Look, it's just my mum, man, she made me...
She didn't make me invite you. I wanted to invite you.
But you didn't give me a ticket?
Look, Rachel, this whole situation has just been a nightmare.
Right, I'm really sorry in me saying yes when you asked me
out was such a nightmare.
Maybe you shouldn't do that again. Like, ever.
So that's your big thing, then? Don't throw up on them?
I think I could've worked that one out myself.
-Hang on, that's just rule one. We've only just begun.
-No, I'm off.
What about rule two - when not to guff on a date.
-These aren't proper rules.
Do you want to die single or do you want to learn something?
When it comes to keeping order here at Elmsmere,
you'll find that we employ several different approaches.
Mr Harris has a way of thinking that represents what might be called...
Wet and pathetic.
Whereas you might say that our head of PE, Mr Nunn here,
-is more of a traditionalist.
-Too right you might.
Now listen up, folks, and this is from the horse's flipping mouth,
the first thing you do is run them ragged.
-Back off, ding-dong, this is my rodeo.
The reason being is that even the most evil toerag can't get up
to much when they've just done 70 laps of the rugby pitch.
-On your marks, get set...
Come on! Put your back into it.
Yes, well done, Savanavich.
Second, you rely on what I call the three Ts - threats,
terror and a truncheon.
-Although political correctness gone mad usually means number
-three isn't worth the hassle.
-Let's cut. Cut, cut, I said.
Right, is that me done?
Thank you, ladies.
That man is a complete toolkit.
Yeah... I know what you mean.
I mean, detention!
I heard you two got detention...again.
-Fighting in ICT. Nero always being wrong.
As if. Think how big his beak would be.
Yeah, but there is only one of them versus, like, 400.
Oh, whoa, whoa, OK.
-What is going on?
-We are arguing about who would win in a scrap.
-One horse-sized duck or...
-100 duck-sized horses.
-You disrupted a lesson over something stupid like that?
-It's not stupid.
-Yes, it is. Now you are in trouble.
-So? Big deal. He ain't normal.
It's like he's not even a real boy.
It's like he's some... Fun-hating robot on a woggle.
Stop it! 'I'm not a robot!'
We need to get to geography. Have you any idea how easy it is to
choke on a chocolate chip?
'I just don't like getting into trouble.'
Garland, the bell has gone. Why aren't you in lessons?
Don't you care about getting your billionth detention
for something totally ridiculous?
No. I can handle detention. Obeying the rules is for losers.
Oh, yeah... That.
You mean that time I was meeting my dad.
No, seriously? Come on, now. That was a one-off.
You think they'll let me go early?
I haven't seen my dad in ages. He won't want to miss me.
You better not be googling anything distasteful though, Grant.
I'm not googling anything, square bear.
-I am tweeting a mug-treeing photograph.
You're not old enough to use Twitter.
-Give me a break, crime watch.
-I'm confiscating this for your own safety.
-Oi, man, give me that!
A Scout has the courage to stand up for what he thinks is right.
-Even if others laugh or threaten him.
-Watch the TV!
Congratulations, mate, you just got your demolition badge.
Ms O'Brien is coming!
Who did this?!
No-one feels like saying?
Then we'll sit here until somebody does.
Listen, you know how it is.
When do I ever get to see my dad? Almost never.
I thought you two had gotten over all that.
# What, no, man, I can't be late
# Or I'm going to miss my own personal Fathers' Day
# I could jump out of the window or crawl across the floor
# On my belly like a snake before I sneak out the door
# Or maybe I could tell O'Brien who broke the TV
# Just the truth, no lying
# Ahh, but then I'd be a snitch
# Which breaks the code of the true school rules list.
# True school rules not the one from the head
# But the ones we live by instead
# Number one, obs, don't be a grass
# Don't blame your mate when you break wind in class
# If you've got a shiny crystal charm bracelet on your arm
# That don't make you any better than me, Priscilla Barnes
# Never leave school with your whole shirt clean
# Don't use Twitter if you're under 13
# The rest of the rules repeat what number one is
ALL: # Never, ever, ever be a snitch
# So that is not an option, I don't do spite
# But O'Brien's got to let us go soon, man
# Maybe she won't She can be really tight
# I heard once she kept some kids in overnight
# Right, if Eli and Owen won't use their voice to own up
# Then I've only got one choice! #
Eli and Owen did it. But they didn't mean to.
They were... And then...
It was an accident.
You crossed the line, man. You never give the names, tiny man.
My dad was coming over.
I haven't seen him in ages and I didn't want to miss him, you know?
-You would have done the same if you were in my place.
-All right, men? What's up?
-Did you hear something, Eli?
I thought I heard an annoying buzz.
You grassed us up to the head, mate. That's what.
Yeah, OK, but you know why that was - cos my dad.
It was really important, guys.
Yeah, well, not getting grounded was pretty crucial to me, mate.
You know, I think the important thing is
that we all came out of that still friends.
No. The important thing is that we learned rules on internet use
are there for a reason.
No. The important thing is that a giant duck would clearly trample
all those tiny horses.
I like to think that the respect for rules Elmsmere students show
is a lasting legacy that I left when I stepped aside, albeit temporarily,
to give others to give a chance to challenge themselves.
Coming down the arcade?
-No, got to do this.
-It's gone four.
Where are you going?
Sorry, sir, school is over. I get to go home.
That's the rules.
No, stop! Stop, come back.
Mr Bell is keen to emphasise school discipline in the Elmsmere video prospectus but the pupils are more interested in the unwritten school rules by which they live their lives.