Imagination 4 O'Clock Files

Oh, hang on, I might just need a dab of concealer...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh. Actually, you know what, that's pretty perfect right there.

Action!

Welcome. My name is Mr Bell.

How do you like that, Barlow?

HE LIP TRILLS

Take two.

Welcome. My name is Bell. Crispin Bell.

-And as head teacher...

-Former head teacher.

..former head teacher here at Elmsmere,

today I'll be showing you the caring

and supportive environment that we can offer to your...

delightful children.

We, the teachers, here are always seeking to feed our pupils'

imaginations in a constant mission

to expand their tiny brains.

You could say we're the watering can refreshing the bonsai tree

I like to call school.

Grow, little green shoots. Grow.

And I think I can say without fear of contradiction

that the bond between pupil and staff here is so supportive

something very... Argh!

Gosh, you're like, a natural in front of the camera,

-aren't you, sir?

-Thank you, Murphy.

A natural disaster.

And action.

To me, Elmsmere is like a greenhouse.

One with bells every 40 minutes

and a cafeteria that serves tuna fritters on a Friday.

Also rats.

And, like any greenhouse, we encourage growth in all areas.

Although rest assured, if we see the wrong kind of growth...

..we cut it back

savagely.

Of course, this is a place where imagination has always been valued.

How dare you burst in here like that!

I could have been doing anything.

Sir, it's urgent. You need to come.

There's...there's been a...a...

-A what?

-It's Miss Andress, sir.

-And what about her?

-She's had an accident.

-Oh, is it serious?

She's...she's lost...a leg, sir.

'We're famous for encouraging creativity and storytelling skills.'

Maybe, it was an animal, sir.

Are you saying an animal ate Miss Andress' leg?

I don't know. She just had one leg less than last time I saw her.

(Fewer.)

One leg fewer.

I don't get it. She's gone. We need to go and find her.

I'm starting to suspect

that this whole thing MIGHT be a pack of lies.

Maybe, she crawled away.

So, where is the blood?

Perhaps, the animal licked it up.

Perhaps, we should go and find out

exactly why you're not in detention like you're supposed to be!

'We enjoy pushing the younger pupils to think for themselves.'

-What's the matter?

-My bag. Josh Carter hid it in there.

Oh, did he?

All right.

-HE BANGS DOOR

-Hey!

'We want our students to be able to imagine the impossible

'and then make it happen...?'

Your attention, everyone. The mayor.

APPLAUSE AND CAMERA FLASHES

It's with great honour that I proudly declare...

He's rigged the sign.

..the new Elmsbury Academy officially open.

HE SCREAMS IN SLOW-MO

What are you doing, man?

Get up!

Get off her! Carter, stop ruining everything.

"Smelly bum arcade!"

No photos.

'Murphy! This isn't the right script. I didn't write this.'

"Imagine the impossible?" What's all this twaddle?

Where's my bit about imagination being dangerous in the wrong hands?

The new head rewrote it, sir.

I imagine it's pretty gutting, sir.

Being replaced with someone else cos you weren't good enough.

All right, all right, all right.

-Right, what's next?

-We've got to interview some pupils

and Miss Andress wants you to ask them these questions.

OK. Go and get me some Year 11s.

And not Newman or Rodgers.

Murphy! What did I say?

Yeah, well, I imagined the impossible, sir.

And I made it happen.

OK. First, Newman.

Can you tell us how everyday life at Elmsmere encourages you

to use your imagination?

YES!

What about when I solved the ever so tricky problem

of locker security with the simple but brilliant use of pants?

Pants.

-What is that?

-Left a pair of wet pants in there end of term,

you know, to deter thieves?

Idiot!

Urrgh!

Or when I came up with a very creative suggestion about staffing?

Do you know what would make a great head of year?

Here it comes.

A monkey.

Or when I went on an unplanned but thoroughly enjoyable field trip.

Andress.

Stay quiet, I think she saw us.

Quick.

-Ashley!

-Get in!

OK, OK, listen, listen, listen.

Right. I'm sorry I got you trapped in the back of an ice cream van

and about the disco last year. And them girls,

but think about the genius of where we are now.

How is this genius?

Because of this.

Right. Next question.

You know, sometimes it's frightening.

My imagination is so out there.

It's as though I've got a special gift.

Can you give it back?

Isaac, you would not be saying that

if you'd seen The Attack of Mr Chimpy, Mutant Monkey.

Moving on. Next question.

-"Mr Chimpy?"

-Oh!

Hey, Josh, have you seen the lens on this thing?

Look, you could go in and you can go out

and you can go in and you can go...

Ash, you're kind of making me feel sick.

-Whoa, it's even better than I thought.

-My dad got it for me.

I was thinking about making my first film.

You know, I want to do something like The Dark Knight,

moody and edgy.

Yeah, totally that,

but with a mutant monkey that wants to eat everything.

No, Ash, I want to establish myself as a serious director.

What's more serious than people running and screaming

torn between fear of the giant monkey

and respect?

Monster monkey rap movie...

Terrified kids fleeing from a giant gorilla.

Fear, screams,

and an epic soundtrack by the rap meister J Carter. Yes.

Well, I've got the monkey.

But where are you going to get thousands of screaming kids?

-BELL RINGS

-This ain't the bell's whatsit,

if it was, then all this is a practice thingy,

but it ain't. This is well beyond happening.

-So, we're all going to die.

-EVERYONE SCREAMS

Remember, calm walking in single file!

Leaving with me.

Calm down. Stop running.

OK, Ash, I believe you.

Mutant Monkey is a great idea. Now wrap it up before we get caught.

-Chill out, Beverly.

-Keep shooting, keep shooting.

I can feel the hits racking up.

-Ding-dong alert.

-Jump in the crowd, merge.

Mr Chimpy!

You three, my office now. Time for a friendly chat.

It's not going to be a friendly chat

cos even the way he says friendly is unfriendly.

Causing mass panic and the evacuation of the entire school

-with a mangy, stuffed monkey...

-Hey!

Mr Chimpy has feelings, you know?

..isn't the best example.

That's a bit judgmental.

No, I don't think so.

Look, sir, I ain't excusing anything,

but we didn't set off the alarm.

See, we just seized the opportunity to record the events

that unfolded for the benefit of others.

Oh, really?

-ON THE CAMERA:

-All we got to do is set off the fire alarm.

Next question. Can either of you recall a time

when you used your imagination to solve a practical problem?

(Oh, good heavens.)

Erm...

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-When Josh had that problem.

-Oh, yeah.

-Lent him a spare pair of pants, did you?

-No.

The other problem.

An interview?

Oh, what!

It were a proper nightmare.

-Josh's auntie wanting to come and work here.

-It's like he was cursed.

This place is so distressing. They never let you do anything.

Yeah, so imagine what it will be like when my auntie gets here.

-What?

-Yeah, she's got an interview at 9.30

and I need to think of a way to fudge it up. Any ideas?

What about a fat bomb, you know?

It's like a water bomb only fattier.

Hang on, that was my idea!

Stop trying to jack my mojo.

I mean, I thought of it. You messed it up.

Your auntie...splat, yeah?

She is covered in lard.

That is a bad interview technique.

Who wants to hire a greasy secretary? It's genius.

Right, she's coming. You doing this or what?

OK, yeah. Let's do it.

Now!

HE SCREAMS

Argh! Eck!

-You greased up the egg, you dumbo.

-You said, "Now."

I said, "No."

Everything would have been fine if you hadn't got all...

creative.

Proving that too much imagination from a pupil is a dangerous thing.

Too right.

BELL RINGS

And then my patrol leader said I could do model aircraft-making

for my creativity challenge, which was a massive relief.

Hold up, man, I need to tell Nero something.

Nero!

Owen is being well boring about Scouts. You have to shut him up.

-Charming.

-All right.

-Nice hat.

Cool, huh? It's Josh's.

You borrowed your cousin's stuff.

You've got to be careful there, mate, you know what he's capable of.

Josh Carter could do revenge for his creativity challenge.

If he was a Scoutly loser, which he's not.

HE RAPS: # Anybody got a double-crossing little cousin

# Who you thought was cool but then you found out that he wasn't

# Should have known the moment when he stepped into my home

# And left his pants in every single spot except his own

# But this is worse than using all my stuff without permission

# Laptop, headphones, CDs missing

# One time when he was in the bath for ages

# Caught him using my toothbrush for cleaning off his trainers

# What, he thinks it might be plain sailing at the top

# Just because he tricked the school to give his mum a job

# I know what it's like to have an elder on the staff

# And when he realises that it's hell I'll have to laugh

# But first I've got to make it hell and that I'll guarantee

# Cos Nero may be smart

# But he ain't half the man as me

# Yo!

# Maybe once he was a friend to me

# Now he's my new best enemy

# Maybe once he was a friend to me

# Now he's my new best enemy

# Maybe once he was a friend to me

# Now he's my new best enemy. #

-I've got to go, I'm late.

-We've got plenty of time.

Yeah, but, erm I'm late for...earliness.

-Maybe, he's a bit embarrassed.

-Oh, of course, he ain't.

-He was telling me how lovely it would be to see more of you.

-Oh!

But he, erm, forgot his embroidery kit, though.

-He does embroidery?

-Yeah.

And he's got textiles second period.

It's a shame there's not like a convenient way to get it to him.

-I'll do it.

-OK.

-He can see me then.

-Super.

Nero, is that your mum?

SHE MOUTHS

Sorry.

Sorry. You forgot your embroidery kit.

Love you, darling. Love you.

THEY SNICKER AND GIGGLE

Chill. I can handle Josh. Always have done.

Garland, Grant, the bell has gone.

Why aren't you in lessons? Detention.

And you, name? HE MUMBLES

What? Right, fine.

Well, well, well.

The famous Josh Carter.

Detention for you too.

Now get back to lessons!

-Thanks a lot, Josh.

-Ain't my name, not even my jumper.

I'm only at this stupid school because my parents had a row.

The second they get back together, I'm out of here.

Well, while you're here, you might want to stay out of trouble.

Or...

-HE RAPS:

-# Hey, today might not be all bad

# Got a licence to kill when there is trouble to be had

# I can roam alone, wreak havoc on the school

# Or maybe with these two sidekicks

# They seem cool

# Well, maybe one of them

# But I can run with them

# Make the lame school day seem fun again

# OK, I never wanted to be here

# But now I'm here I might as well be menace of the year

# Cos what have I got to lose

# I'm not even Nero here I'm walking around in Josh's shoes

# And really what's the worst they can do...expel me

# Mate, I'm leaving anyway There's nothing you can tell me

# No-one knows my real name Isn't that a real shame

# Head teacher, listen up, you're about to feel pain

# Raised hell Now I'm gone leave you speechless

# And leave Josh to pick up the pieces. #

THEY ARGUE INDISTINCTLY

All right, cut it out!

What's going on here?

Never mind that, miss. The more important thing here is...

how long do you reckon you could balance this on your head?

Two seconds. It's not that great, is it, miss?

Your name is going on the detention list,

Josh Carter, and it is never coming off.

Oh, yes!

Payback, good times.

Why did you do that?

Got you out of trouble, didn't it?

Yeah, but you are in detention.

That's where you're wrong. I'm not, Josh Carter is.

Anyway, what's this creativity award you keep on chatting on about?

What are you doing? He'd only just shut up about it.

Eli, not all of Owen's Scout stuff is boring.

Nero...I'm touched.

Well, the creativity challenge award

is one of the 11 Scout Challenge Awards,

-of which I already have my entrepreneur...

-OK,

and I was wrong.

THEY LAUGH

Fine. Mock.

You two wouldn't know creativity if it bit you on the...

..nether regions.

Erm, excuse me, we are very creative.

-Well full of ideas.

-Like what?

Have you forgotten so soon the glory

that was mug-treeing in the staff room?

Epic!

Hang on. I reckon I can fit one more on.

OK, everyone, if you can just grab some mugs and then come over here.

Quickly! We need to get out of here.

If he could just...

Isn't that Mr Bell's mug?

Ugh, get off. I'm not doing nothing with no cup with cooties all over it.

LOUD CRASH

We should go.

THEY LAUGH

-That was truly epic.

-Yeah.

We should all deserve a badge for that.

Yeah, but unfortunately being an idiot isn't in the Scout Handbook.

THEY LAUGH

Like the moon revolves around the Earth,

imagination certainly plays a part here at Elmsmere.

As teachers, we find creative lesson plans and punishments and erm...

and, erm... Ooh.

I think we might just stick to less creative shots from now on.

You certainly used your imagination the day you picked the prefects,

didn't you, sir?

Excuse me?

Everyone thought you completely lost the plot.

In the Bible,

Jesus had 12 disciples.

In the film 12 Angry Men,

there were 12 angry men.

Here at Elmsmere, we're going to have seven or eight prefects.

Couldn't actually get 12,

but anyway, these are the names of the prefects.

-Nero Johnson.

-Whoo hoo!

They've chosen you?

Eli Grant.

Yes!

-Agness Adoo.

-Yay!

I'm sorry.

There seems to be some kind of error on Mr Bell's part.

-Really?

-No.

-These...these are the prefects you've chosen?

-Oh, yes.

In that case, carry on.

Eleesha Rahaad.

Fleur Murphy.

Isaac Rodgers.

Ash Newman

and finally Zoe-Marie Ingham.

I hadn't lost the plot.

I was just making a brave decision.

-FLEUR:

-Yeah, sure you were, sir(!)

I don't know, picking Zoe-Marie Ingham to be a prefect...

now that is quite brave.

I'd like to say thanks to my friends and family apart from Small Eddie

who lives next door cos he said I'd never amount to anything.

-What I'd say to him is...

-Yes, yes, thank you, Zoe-Marie.

It's true that there have been some disciplinary issues.

Kicking a raw chicken around canteen.

But that's exactly why I wanted to make these kids my prefects.

It is?

I wanted to give them a challenge, Tony.

And more than that, I wanted to give them hope.

I wanted to let them know that unlike some...

..I haven't given up on them.

Sorry, excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

And this list I found on your desk.

That's nothing to do with the prefects then?

Absolutely not. No.

If you'd excuse me, Tony, Mrs O'Brien.

I picked you two as well.

You should be thanking me for giving you the chance to prove

that you weren't just irresponsible delinquents.

Come off it, sir. We know you just got the lists mixed up.

How'd you know that?

I mean...erm, what makes you say a silly thing like that?

-Harris!

-Mr Bell. Hey, great choice of prefects.

-Are you trying be funny?

-No, at first I thought it was all a mistake,

but then I heard what you were saying...

Of course, it was a mistake! And it was all your fault too.

-Mine?

-Your detention list got mixed up with the prefects list.

Oh...

You are going to make sure that those degenerates

behave like prefects are supposed to.

If they mess up,

someone is going to be in big trouble.

When you say someone...

You.

Anyway, do go on, sir. Didn't mean to interrupt.

Yeah, well, you did, so...

Anyway, where was I?

Right.

Imaginative use of a resource such is that that you would find...

Although, to be honest,

being a prefect wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

You're so right. It was a proper rubbish idea of Mr Bell's.

Argh!

I like the badges, but when do we get the handcuffs?

Don't be silly. They're not going to give us handcuffs.

The most we're going to get is a Taser.

OK, no-one is getting a Taser.

What?

You'd have thought there would be a few prefecty perks.

But it were all work.

Keep walking.

-Like a chicken.

-I'm not walking like a chicken.

You have to, we are prefects.

And you can't make people walk like chickens.

Well, what's the point then!?

The honour. And you get a few little jobs to do.

-Jobs?

-Well, just a few little things at break time

like supervising homework or litter patrol, checking the loos...

I ain't checking no loo jobs.

-Stop people pushing in the tuck shop queue.

-Yeah, but

we're the ones doing the pushing in so how is that going to work? Duh!

-Do you know what? I'm outta here.

-ALL: Yeah!

-I bet this isn't even real gold.

-Listen!

Just hold on. Look, I was a prefect once.

-It's tough, but you get a lot out of it.

-Like...?

We got free pencils, a special tie,

-a common room with a pool table and a radio in.

-What room?

# Is it one of those smart rooms full of widescreen TVs playing cartoons

# And would it have like solid chocolate seating

# So even when you're sitting on the chairs you could eat them

# Bet a few ladies would come if I let them

# Check my extensive monkey collection

# The most fun you could have with a lad

# Forget bachelor, this could be my Ashelor pad

# Dark, damp dirt Leave all that behind

# Better than every room in my flat combined

# Proper, proper posh

# Seeing is believing

# Telly in the fireplace

# Mirrors on the ceiling

# Big paintings of me on the wall

# Some butler called Jeeves in the hall

# Gold-plated toilets

# Jewels on the sink

# And only the very, very finest orange drink

# Picked a perfect palace for a pretty perfect princess

# Or a queen like me, strictly VIP

# Basically that's me, my Auntie Jean, my stylist Pierre

# And a Ch-Chihuahua, Dennis Pierre, also does his hair

# Yeah, there's teddy bears everywhere

# Precious jewels are on the staircase

# All the things these stupid kids'll never have at their place

# Marshmallow pillows so sick and you know the best bit

# Stinky, flipping chubby Turner, she ain't on the guest list

# You can have anything under the sun and moon

# Do what you want to do in our very own common room

# In our very own common room

# In our very own common room

# You can have anything under the sun and moon

# Do what you want to do in our very own common room

# In our very own common room

# In our very own common room. #

The problem with that, though,

was that Mr Harris had raised everyone's hopes up a bit too high.

The muppet.

It might not seem like much,

but it's all yours.

Where's the pool table? Where's the radio?

Yeah, this stinks.

Wait! If we all pull together, we can really make something of this place.

I'd like to make something of your face.

I would've thought you'd known better, sir.

That's what happens when people's imaginations run away with them.

Like when Sami Taylor had the idea he could eat that Christmas tree.

It ends in disappointment.

And tinsely teeth.

One of the few safe places where creativity is allowed to roam free,

within carefully set limits,

is Elmsmere's beloved school assemblies.

THEY PLAY MUSIC

What they should do, yeah, is let us have a little sleep

like they did in primary school.

Assembly is a valuable opportunity

for the school community to join together.

Yeah, but my idea would be a valuable oppo-thingy

for us to have a little sleep.

-WHISPERS:

-Psst. Excuse me.

I think you've dropped something.

HE MAKES A FART NOISE

-GIRLS LAUGH

-That wasn't me. It wasn't me!

Quiet, girl!

Sittin' in a big hot room listenin' to Johnny Doo-Dah

and teachers blabber on about pointless stuff like goin' to uni

or raisin' money for orphans or stopping global swarming

or whatever. It's an insult is what it is.

Slow down, you're talking gibberish.

No, I flippin' well officially ain't. Ask that snarky cow

Miss Wilkinson, she says my knowledge of modern languages

is "totally non-existent," not that it's any of her business,

who does she think she is.

Now, I'm sure you all want to know what this is all about.

Three little words,

Good. Buddy. Points.

Being a good buddy to your class, to your teachers...

-Laters, ladies.

-..and to yourselves...

-Where...where you going?

-It's time for payback.

..the discipline issues at Elmsbury together.

Who's he calling a discipline issue?

-He's a discipline issue.

-Sh!

I ain't even done anything disruptive. That's well outrageous.

Thank you, Zoe-Marie.

I found assembly allowed me as once and future head

to introduce many new ideas designed to improve school life.

-It was an unparalleled avenue with...

-An unpara-boring-nue, more like.

'Part from that time that Josh Carter secretly recorded

Mr Harris in the shower.

Let's achieve the level of discipline that

I know this school is capable of.

OVER LOUD SYSTEM: # Oh, Mr Shower Man. Oh, baby... #

# Scrubbing my face ain't no disgrace

# Yeah... #

-Is that you, Harris?

-It could be anybody.

# Dexter, ooh-oh-la-la

# It's so Dextie

# Washing my pits

# That's my pits

# Oh, yeah

# Here comes the shampoo-ooo! #

(Josh!)

Mr Harris is well hopeless. He's like one of them toy dolls

that cries until you pick them up but alive and a man.

-FLEUR:

-That was a very IMAGINATIVE description, don't you think, sir?

And action.

How to sum up Elmsmere's approach to creativity?

Well, as a wise man once said,

"If you wish to be out front,

"act as if you're behind."

-And that says it all, really.

-Is that a quote about bums, sir?

Cut.