Staff v Pupils 4 O'Clock Files

This tie's silk, you know? Very expensive.

Probably best that you get a lot of that in.

Action.

Welcome. My name is Mr Bell.

Ow!

Detention! I mean it Barlow, I am...

That weren't Barlow, sir. That were Mr Nunn.

Cut.

HE LIP TRILLS

Take two.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Welcome. My name is Bell. Crispin Bell.

-And as head teacher...

-Former head teacher.

..former head teacher here at Elmsmere,

today I'll be showing you the caring

and supportive environment that we can offer to your...

delightful children.

They say sharks never sleep.

Similarly, our teaching staff never rest in their quest to inform.

You could say they're the finely-tuned educational engine

that powers the exciting, dynamic lorry I like to call 'school.'

Vroom, vroom!

And I think I can say without fear of contradiction

that the bond between pupil and staff here

is so supportive it's something ver... Ow!

Cheer up, sir, that were brilliant.

You've Been Framed pay loads of money for that sort of thing.

There's no 'I' in team.

But there is a 'me' in Elmsmere.

And that's what we're all about.

Supporting and nurturing all the 'me's' in our charge,

our cherished pupils.

Even I'm not so important that I could... Where are you going?!

-I need the loo.

-Oh, no.

You're not going anywhere until we've finished this. Get back here!

'Our hard-working staff are fountains of knowledge.'

Right, now this is what you do. You'll like this.

Punch the crocodile... BANG! ..right on the nose

and it just lets go.

-ON TV:

-'J'ai faim.'

I am...a farmer.

'They're steeped in culture.'

-ON TV:

-'Je t'aime.'

-It's time.

-ON TV:

-'Non, n'y a rien a bouffer.'

-Mayonnaise on a rind.

HE SNICKERS

-ON TV:

-'Tu comprends?'

-But two can play at that game.

-HE LAUGHS

-ON TV:

-'Oui, c'est vrai.'

Ooh, yes. Several.

OK, wait for the change.

'Their life's work is to pass on their hard-won knowledge

'to the next generation.'

-STUDENTS CONTINUE PLAYING BADLY

-Erm...uh...no.

'Whether that's encouraging

'an appreciation of the finest music...'

Let's play some thrash metal

and afterwards we smash the instruments up.

'..or promoting a love of theatre.'

-OVER PA SYSTEM:

-'Why are you faking bum photos?

'Why am I faking bum photos? Ain't it obvious?

'No-one's going to believe them's your real onions.'

-School play rehearsals.

-What play's that, then?

McBum?

'We want our students to leave Elmsmere

'as fully rounded young people.'

-FLEUR:

-'The school dinners'll do that, right enough.

'Just be quiet, Murphy.'

So, little girl, tell us about some of your first impressions

of the staff here at Elmsmere. And be honest now.

I thought Mr Nunn was a wazzock.

Cut!

-FLEUR:

-Eleesha interview, take two.

So, little girl, tell us about some of your first impressions

of the staff here at Elmsmere.

And be respectful, now.

Um...

I thought Mr Nunn was a wazzock...

sir.

Cut.

What you should do, sir, is ask her about Mr Harris.

Good idea. Everyone likes Mr Harris.

Well?

I definitely remember when I met Mr Harris.

No doubt you thought he was a dedicated professional.

I just can't get other kids to pay attention.

Not the 'other kids.' Just the kids.

You're a teacher.

Right. Yeah.

A friendly and supportive educator.

-Nice shirt, sir.

-And matching socks, sir. Well done.

You look like yoghurt.

Did your gran knit that for you, sir?

Or did you just find in the skip?

So what did you think of him then?

I thought he were a massive serial killer.

-You what?

-Cool!

I think you'll find that Mr Harris has not in fact

got a body in the back of his car.

I saw it with my eyes, fathead.

This is classic serial killer behaviour.

What, like killing people?

You know Mr Harris. Would a man like that do a thing like this?

Yeah, for sure.

See? Ugh, he saw me.

He knows I'm on to him.

He's bound to do you next. Cover his tracks.

OK, cut!

-FLEUR:

-Are you kidding? This is gold! Carry on, Leesh!

All the evidence said so. He was dead nervous.

And then we confronted him.

Sir, is it true you have a dead body in your car?

No, it isn't. I keep I keep all my dead bodies under the floorboards.

HE LAUGHS

No, I do not have a dead body in my car.

That ain't what Eleesha's saying.

You told him I have a dead body in my car?!

No, no, definitely not.

I didn't see anything. Please, don't hurt me.

You can't be too careful, that's what my nan says.

You could be a killer too for all I know, sir.

You! I said cut.

And you, detention.

Mr Bell's never a killer. He doesn't have the inner steel.

-Bank robber?

-No, he's more the unpaid-parking-ticket sort.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

-And you, girl, you're a liability.

-Ooh, do you think so?

That isn't a good thing!

To be fair to Eleesha, sir, Mr Harris did act well dodgy.

Oh...you must have seen Brenda.

Well, my first aid dummy.

Well, I thought people would laugh at me,

so I put a bit of a blanket on her.

Well, if you don't believe me, you can come and see for yourselves.

Just a first aid dummy, see?

There's nothing in there, sir.

What?

OK, so, we dress it up like O'Brien and sit it at the drum kit.

-Rock'n'roll!

-Why?

O'Brien. Playing the drums. Come on! It's funny.

-SHE GASPS

-He was just trying to lure us

to his car.

'It was actually quite exciting.'

-You are a murderer!

-No, no, I can explain.

'Maybe you should get more dangerous maniacs to teach us, sir.'

Wait here.

'He can't do that.

'Precisely. The governors would have a conniption.'

What do you think you're playing at?

'Plus, he's not head teacher now. He doesn't make decisions anymore.'

Look! He's got Mrs O'Brien.

We thought he was going to do for Mrs O'Brien.

Perfectly understandable.

-Pardon?

-What? Oh, nothing.

Erm, that's enough now.

Oh-ho! Well, that weren't the end of it, sir.

It's OK. Don't worry. Look.

THEY SCREAM

THEY LAUGH

You, my office. Now!

'Course now I know the truth.

Mr Harris wasn't a serial killer.

He was just...nervous

cos he was a rubbish teacher.

(Oh, cut. Give me strength.)

-Were that all right?

-My face weren't too shiny, were it?

That were great.

That was unusable.

Right, who's next on the interview list?

A time when pupils and staff worked well together?

'Yes. Well, come on.

'Best one gets a pound.'

Oh! This is harder than trying to eat jelly through a straw.

Yeah, like you've never tried that.

Got one! No, no, wait.

-Got any less tricky questions?

-No, wait, I've got one!

HE PLAYS MUSIC

That's my tune. How did you get my tune?

You left your MP3 player.

Oh, and did I also leave a little note saying,

"Hey, Dexter, feel free to take my MP3 player

"and tamper with my music without my permission."

Well, I was only trying to help. Sorry.

HE GROANS

Those keyboards, they were pretty cool. How did you do them?

-RAPS:

-# Oh, my days, what is this horrible feeling

# So frightening, disturbing, unappealing

# It's a nightmare, entirely messed up

# I...I think I admire Dexter

# Those sounds he was tappin'

# That was kinda sick, man, how is this happenin'

# And I never saw it coming'

# But everything changed in the moment of drummin'

# He was always geeky, annoying and uncool

# Now...

Well, he's geeky, annoying and uncool.

# But to bring it into balance

# I can't deny, man

# The guy's got talent

# Who'd've thought in one of the stupidest teachers

# Deep down there was a musical genius?

# I know that me and him were never too tight

# But I'll be honest, I'm seeing him in a new light

# Now, I know this shouldn't happen

# Back-to-back me playin', him rappin'

# It feels so wrong

# Yet it feels so right

# And I'm seeing you in a new light

# You can call me crazy

# But I'm looking at Josh in a different way lately

# Most nicknames he gives are derogative

# Big ego, big mouth, got a lip

# Cheatin', schemin', impetuous

# Cheeky, sneaky and rebellious

# Doesn't give half the care that he should give

# But deep, deep down he's a good kid

# And he has a natural talent

# For which he does show an actual passion

# I know that me and him were never too tight

# But I'll be honest I'm seeing him in a new light

# Now, I know this shouldn't happen

# Back-to-back, me playin', him rappin'

# It feels so wrong

# Yet it feels so right

# And I'm seeing you in a new light. #

Wow! That was pretty cool.

Yeah.

What are you doing after school?

-We can ask to borrow some instruments, take them home.

-Yeah!

Although I've got a lot of marking to do and detention, of course.

Can you not just cancel that or something?

I don't think Mr Bell would approve.

-I left my bag and here.

-Yeah, well, erm, I best be getting off anyway.

I'll see you later, alligator.

'No-one saw that coming, especially not Josh and Mr Harris.'

Yo, Josh...

'I don't think that counts. I heard it went rather badly.

'Garland is right. That's a terrible example, Johnson.'

Hang on, but they did a gig together and everything.

How is that not working together?

You and Josh, you're the band?

For one night only.

Oh, don't worry, that suits me fine.

Apparently, I'm too embarrassing to be seen with Josh live on stage.

So, I'm going to play the keyboard in the background.

Hey, I have an idea, how about I just lift up all the heavy stuff(?)

Oh, shut up!

-You are so selfish!

-I'm doing you a favour here.

-Oh, yeah, by hiding me away like the elephant man?

-Whoever!

OK, break it up. It's time, you're on.

Last time, Josh.

'OK, so, technically, they weren't on stage together,

'but maybe that was like their gimmick, yeah?'

OK, it's time for some live music.

He's live, he's fresh, he's super cool.

Give it up for the amazing J-Hypen.

MUSIC PLAYS

Where's the smoke?

# ..Get a strange feeling whenever you walk round me

# To make it worse, I'm not even sure...

It isn't working! Is this right?

# All I want to say is hello then I end up running home

# Hey, you, over there Why don't you come closer, yeah

# Cos I know I'm kinda rude

# And I'm not supposed to stare

# Didn't even know your name Yeah, it's true

-# I'm so ashamed

-This is a disaster.

# But I like you more than most

# And I hope you feel the same...

# In your world, in your world,

# In your world, In your world, girl...

HE COUGHS

# ..In your world, in your world in your world, girl...

HE COUGHS

# ..I was so, so close, girl and now I'm... #

MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY

AUDIENCE GASPS

Don't just stand there.

EVACUATE!

FIRE ALARM SOUNDS

It's fine. It's just the smoke machine.

Everybody out!

Can you at least walk, please? Walk calmly.

'Nope, bad example.

'No pound for you. They nearly burnt the school down.'

Yeah, but they didn't, did they?

-'Hmph! That time.

-Cut.'

'You two, can you think of a time you worked well with a teacher?

'There's a pound in it for you.'

-Well, sir...

-No.

'Oh, typical.'

What did you say that for? You just did me out of a pound.

What? We ain't never worked well with teachers.

So! I was going to make something up.

That's what you do with teachers, spanner.

Erm, shouldn't you lot be in lessons?

We are on an errand.

Who for?

THEY SAY DIFFERENT NAMES

Well, which one is it?

All of them.

What are you doing of lessons?

Desperately need the toilet, sir.

-All three of you?

-It can't wait.

-It's leaking out, sir.

Get back here!

-We are in deep trouble.

-Relax, man you're just do what I do

- smile and style it out.

Smiling is not going to cut it. They'll know we skipped class.

-We missed Ms Parkwood's class. We will be fine.

-Like how?

Watch.

Hey, Ms Parkwood. Nice lesson this morning.

-Sorry, what?

-Nice lesson just now. It was well fascinating.

Oh, right, thanks.

I was there too.

Haven't you learnt anything from hanging out with me and Josh?

I learnt I could get more detentions than I thought were possible.

That brings a tear to my eye.

Seriously, wise up, OK?

You don't tell the truth to teachers. Look at them!

Oi! Out of the way, titchy!

'Teachers - tall...angry...'

Here!

'..ginger...'

Do you need to see the nurse?

'And that's just Mr Nunn...'

No, I was just laying an egg.

Right, well, lay one in your own time.

You've got cross-country to run.

'They are our natural opponents and they're bigger than us,

'so we need to use all the weapons we've got.'

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-'Flatter them...'

Hello, Mr Byron. Is that a new tie?

Yeah, I'm liking the stripes, you know, a bit of retro chic.

'Pretend to like them.'

I'm loving the look, sir, very sports casual.

'In other words...'

-What are you doing in here?

-'..Lie.'

Ms Andress. Ooh, you're smelling lovely today.

Is that a new perfume?

Yeah, I'm getting some nice little, subtle undertones of vanilla,

a hint of aged leather.

HE SIGHS

I wish Josh was here.

Josh was the business at playing teachers.

So, look, you want out of detention, right?

Well, I can fix that. You know I'm not the enemy here.

I'm your best friend. I'm the man with the plan.

Well, what plan?

Whatever Nathan says you did, just say sorry.

What? But I didn't do it.

But look, you're in detention anyway, right?

You might as well look guilty, fess up, say sorry, blah-blah-blah.

Nathan loves all that stuff.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Oh, and can you do this face, too?

Look, he's coming. All right.

Remember, "I did it, sorry, it won't happen again,"

puppy-dog eyes, yeah?

OK.

-So, what are we going to do now, then?

-Shut up! I'm thinking.

You shut up! We need to like sort it out or like whatever!

-Oh, calm down.

-Calm down, please.

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

What is it with you and fights?

-Shut up, Mary Poppins.

-I said, "Enough."

OK, tonight we're going to try something

a little bit different here, right?

So, I want everyone to get their chairs,

get them in a circle around me, yeah? Come on, let's go!

Right. I've got this book and I'm hoping that some of the exercises

in here are going to help us break the cycle of detention.

Then why are we in a circle?

-What?

-Why are we in a circle

if you're just going to break the circle?

No, not 'circle,' 'cycle'.

What are you chattin' about? I don't even have a bike.

Let's...just get started, shall we? Erm...

Maybe...Darius.

You want to take a seat up here for me? Good man.

There you go. OK, now, close your eyes.

I want you to take a deep breath and imagine...

imagine a really relaxing place somewhere. Right?

Now, in your own time...

(..tell me where you are.)

So, I'm in detention

and I broke the wing mirror off of Mr Byron's car.

I'm sorry and I won't do it again.

'Inspired.

'He was up against it too.

'Imagine having a teacher in the family.'

Faster than a kid running from Byron.

Stronger than a dinner lady's custard.

The whole school bow down to the awesome power of...

Natty C!

RAPS: # Cometh the hour, cometh the man

# And I have got a truer handle on these kids

# Yeah, I got a hold of them like Superman could with a grip

# Witness me saving detention, the 'in distress' kids

# Bless me, I cleaned up the big mess

# That Elmsbury was before my arrival

# Right till I washed out all the bad blood

# Like a tidal...wave

# See, I crave kids badly behaved

# And I grow 'em, mould 'em, show 'em the Natty C way

# I'm a hero, type of dude you can't get near, yo

# Head teacher, head of year

# I fear no authority

# Cos there ain't none above me

# I've found out how to make these kids love me

# Show respect and I'll start rewarding them

# Let them leave detention early before it ends

# Then I'll climb up on top of the tallest tower

# And shout out, "Behold my awesome power..." #

Cooler than an Eskimo's elbow.

Smarter than 47 Bryons.

Elmsbury is unprepared for the awesome power of...

Jay Carter.

-RAPS:

-# You can call me the super villain

# But I'm used to chillin' now

# So don't go hatin'

# My work here is done

# I totally own Nathan

# Played him like a console

# See, I've got so...

# Much game I could entertain you for yonks, bro

# I could take up buckin' bronco through a rodeo

# And still have a smooth ride

# So now you know me, yo

# Super J... Oh, sh! Keep a secret identity

# Just in case the powers that be

# Might want to mess with me

# I wouldn't recommend that

# I'm the type to take a ten-foot steel bar

# And then use my mind to bend it

# I've got the brain of an elephant - extra-large

# Shame Nate's just got the face of an elephant

# But I can't control genes

# I'm too busy reading minds, man, I know what you mean

# I could address the United Nations and talk for hours

# I'd be like, "Check out my awesome powers." #

But Josh was always in trouble.

Lying to teachers didn't help him, did it?

Isaac, Isaac, come on.

Imagine how much trouble he would've got in if he had told the truth.

You're an idiot.

See? A lie!

You're getting the hang of this.

Given all of this, we feel sure that all of the success

that the pupils have isn't down to them,

it's down to us.

The hard-working, dedicated and inspirational staff at Elmsmere.

Nearly done. Go team Harris.

-HE SNICKERS

-Team Harris?

What sport do they compete at -

being a bit awkward and rubbish with girls?

I've nearly finished this year's leaving reports.

112 done and one to go. I think that deserves a biscuit.

Whoa! Does Usain Bolt do 90 metres then stop for a Jammie Dodger?

-But!

-Finish it.

Shouldn't take an athlete of your abilities too long.

Whose is it, anyway?

Zoe-Marie.

HE CACKLES

Hey, guess what? There's a new one of those grown-ups

-that still come to school!

-Teachers?

-Yeah, all right.

I ain't stupid. Anyway, there's a new one of those what-he-said.

-Teachers.

-Oh, just shut up, yeah? All I'm saying is there's a new

teacher and he's in the doo-dah and he's totally thingy!

It's fine. I'll just tell the truth.

No, you won't! Have you met her mum?

She's just like Zoe-Marie, but about ten times worse.

Flippin' flip-flop chop, Mr Carter.

-Hey, Zoe-Marie.

-What are you two doing here?

Well, we just came out for a...

private meal together.

That's what we are doing. Me, Mum and Dad and Dino.

Hiya, babe, you all right? You all right?

I wanted to go for chicken, but they were all like,

"Oh, not too spicy, Grandma won't like it." My grandma's cat swallowed

a key. We still had to come to this flipping dive.

They totally don't got any sauce like mild. They do mild, hot,

and blowing your mouth off. Totally ruining my life. So, how are you?

One cross word about her daughter and Mrs Ingham will have your bum

as a toast rack. My advice, lie your face off.

Tell her that she's an excellent student and a pleasure to teach.

That way you can keep your toast rack to yourself

and I might give you a biscuit.

Carter, shut your yap. Ain't all about you. You got two of these,

you got one of them and you're always buttin' in. Never once keep

your flappin' trap shut and listen like the rest of us, yeah?

-Oi, idiots!

-Ladies, what seems to be the problem?

What do you think, thicko? Like flippin' Molly said

it was you that done it or was it?

-Is you been doing all this, yeah?

-What was...

It's like, what do you think you was doing, yeah?

You're like so whatever. You are such a yeah.

You girls all set for another fun day of school, then?

What? I only just got here. You having a go at me already?

-No, not in the slightest.

-I heard how you said it.

You were like, "Another fun day at school, girls."

-What does that even mean?

-It's just me saying good morning.

What's so good about it anyway? What do you know that I don't?

Sorry, sir, Zoe is a little bit emotional. Mr Carter leaves today.

Shut up, yeah, I ain't emotional.

What are you doin' tellin' him about emotions for?

I can't lie, but maybe I don't have to tell the whole truth.

Erm, "Zoe-Marie...

"..is a girl

"who never fails to...amaze...

"Stun." No, no.

"..amaze."

-You saying girls ain't no good at video games?

-Everyone knows that.

Shut up, yeah, shut up. I'm well awesome at you know...you know...

-Video games.

-Yeah!

Well, I reckon I could kick your butt at any game in existence.

You reckon? So, why don't, you know, thingy?

-Prove it.

-Yeah, prove it!

-All right, name your game.

-Princess Dance-athon.

-Princess Dance-athon

this Friday in the AV room, yeah?

Yeah, I hope you like the feeling of, you know, thingy.

-Defeat.

-For flip's sake, would you stop finishing my whatevers!

Sentences.

"She is incredibly confident in her opinions..."

You're like a foghorn, Zoe Marie.

At least I got legs. Those are more like monkey...poles.

"..which she expresses in...

"remarkable style."

What are you supposed to be? You look like somebody ate a undertaker

-and threw up over a thing.

-Stop it, Zoe Marie.

Molly is obviously in mourning. Who died?

Well, duh! Obviously, she's in morning.

It's like 9am or something.

"She can always be relied on to contribute."

Then my dad poured well too much gravy on my Yorkshire

puddings and they got like all soggy. It was bad as custard.

I also had these earrings cos I just bought them. They're like

-really valuable and everything...

-OK, thanks.

Not finished. Then Ms Andress took them off me and she's

like, "Yeah, you're not allowed to wear them." And my dad was

saying that if my ears grow back he'll send a letter with a bill

so she has to pay for 'em cos she made me take them off and

made my ears grow back. The other day, I was at the park.

I was like, "What are you doing on the swings?"

-I was looking for the swing, then I...

-Zoe Marie!

Can I put 'shiny hair' as a contribution to school life?

Wait! I know.

"..Erm, she has demonstrated a real flair

"in the area of make-up and beauty."

-Can I make you up, miss?

-Erm...

-Wicked thanks.

Well, I suppose if it means that much to you.

I promise I'll make you look nice for a change.

-Thanks.

-Don't get too excited, though.

I mean, I am good, but I'm no miracle worker.

"And used these talents to raise the spirits of the staff."

HE SNICKERS

Certainly made me laugh.

Mrs O'Brien, about this time tab...

It's not too much, is it, sir?

No.

If anything, I'd say it's not enough.

"Zoe Marie is a girl who has taken part in music..."

Get it off, get it off me quick! It stuck to my head. It stuck.

Get it off me! Get it off my head, quick!

"And I can confidently say on her singing,

"Once heard, never forgotten."

SINGING BADLY: # I heard that you settled down

# That you found a girl

-# And you're married no-ow

-All right.

# I heard that you're dreeeams came true

# Guess she gave you things

# I couldn't give to yooo-ouu

# Old friend, why are you so shy

# Ain't like you to hold back

# Or hide from the liii-ght! #

OK.

"To conclude, Elmsmere would be a much less...

"lively place without her

"and she will be...

"missed(?)"

Yeah, like I miss my athlete's foot when the footy season's over.

Did you input the correct code?

Of course, I did, you half-sized know-it-all. It's stuck.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Every year, scores of people are crushed by toppled vending machines.

Statistically speaking, they're more dangerous than sharks.

Statistically speaking... Shut up!

OK, she'll be...

Somewhere else.

Done. Right, tin, please.

What! Eh! Get back here!

Oops!

Teachers, how to describe us?

The best word for us is...

-Flaming idiots.

-Pardon me?

-Flipping brilliant?

-Oh, where was I?

Oh, yes! The best word for us is superheroes.

FLEUR GIGGLES

Murphy, are you laughing?

Crying, sir, at the...

beauty of what you're saying.

Yes, superheroes.

Every day fighting the good fight against ignorance, apathy

and illegal hoop earrings. So, I say to you...

THUNDERCLAP CRACKS ..join us!