Staff v Pupils 4 O'Clock Files


Staff v Pupils

Mr Bell films a video prospectus for Elmsmere, seeking to explain how the staff at Elmsmere are not just teachers, but more like superheroes.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

This tie's silk, you know? Very expensive.

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Probably best that you get a lot of that in.

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Action.

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Welcome. My name is Mr Bell.

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Ow!

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Detention! I mean it Barlow, I am...

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That weren't Barlow, sir. That were Mr Nunn.

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Cut.

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HE LIP TRILLS

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Take two.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Welcome. My name is Bell. Crispin Bell.

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-And as head teacher...

-Former head teacher.

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..former head teacher here at Elmsmere,

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today I'll be showing you the caring

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and supportive environment that we can offer to your...

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delightful children.

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They say sharks never sleep.

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Similarly, our teaching staff never rest in their quest to inform.

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You could say they're the finely-tuned educational engine

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that powers the exciting, dynamic lorry I like to call 'school.'

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Vroom, vroom!

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And I think I can say without fear of contradiction

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that the bond between pupil and staff here

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is so supportive it's something ver... Ow!

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Cheer up, sir, that were brilliant.

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You've Been Framed pay loads of money for that sort of thing.

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There's no 'I' in team.

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But there is a 'me' in Elmsmere.

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And that's what we're all about.

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Supporting and nurturing all the 'me's' in our charge,

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our cherished pupils.

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Even I'm not so important that I could... Where are you going?!

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-I need the loo.

-Oh, no.

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You're not going anywhere until we've finished this. Get back here!

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'Our hard-working staff are fountains of knowledge.'

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Right, now this is what you do. You'll like this.

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Punch the crocodile... BANG! ..right on the nose

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and it just lets go.

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-ON TV:

-'J'ai faim.'

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I am...a farmer.

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'They're steeped in culture.'

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-ON TV:

-'Je t'aime.'

-It's time.

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-ON TV:

-'Non, n'y a rien a bouffer.'

-Mayonnaise on a rind.

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HE SNICKERS

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-ON TV:

-'Tu comprends?'

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-But two can play at that game.

-HE LAUGHS

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-ON TV:

-'Oui, c'est vrai.'

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Ooh, yes. Several.

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OK, wait for the change.

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'Their life's work is to pass on their hard-won knowledge

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'to the next generation.'

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-STUDENTS CONTINUE PLAYING BADLY

-Erm...uh...no.

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'Whether that's encouraging

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'an appreciation of the finest music...'

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Let's play some thrash metal

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and afterwards we smash the instruments up.

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'..or promoting a love of theatre.'

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-OVER PA SYSTEM:

-'Why are you faking bum photos?

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'Why am I faking bum photos? Ain't it obvious?

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'No-one's going to believe them's your real onions.'

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-School play rehearsals.

-What play's that, then?

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McBum?

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'We want our students to leave Elmsmere

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'as fully rounded young people.'

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-FLEUR:

-'The school dinners'll do that, right enough.

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'Just be quiet, Murphy.'

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So, little girl, tell us about some of your first impressions

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of the staff here at Elmsmere. And be honest now.

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I thought Mr Nunn was a wazzock.

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Cut!

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-FLEUR:

-Eleesha interview, take two.

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So, little girl, tell us about some of your first impressions

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of the staff here at Elmsmere.

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And be respectful, now.

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Um...

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I thought Mr Nunn was a wazzock...

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sir.

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Cut.

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What you should do, sir, is ask her about Mr Harris.

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Good idea. Everyone likes Mr Harris.

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Well?

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I definitely remember when I met Mr Harris.

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No doubt you thought he was a dedicated professional.

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I just can't get other kids to pay attention.

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Not the 'other kids.' Just the kids.

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You're a teacher.

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Right. Yeah.

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A friendly and supportive educator.

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-Nice shirt, sir.

-And matching socks, sir. Well done.

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You look like yoghurt.

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Did your gran knit that for you, sir?

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Or did you just find in the skip?

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So what did you think of him then?

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I thought he were a massive serial killer.

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-You what?

-Cool!

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I think you'll find that Mr Harris has not in fact

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got a body in the back of his car.

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I saw it with my eyes, fathead.

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This is classic serial killer behaviour.

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What, like killing people?

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You know Mr Harris. Would a man like that do a thing like this?

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Yeah, for sure.

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See? Ugh, he saw me.

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He knows I'm on to him.

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He's bound to do you next. Cover his tracks.

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OK, cut!

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-FLEUR:

-Are you kidding? This is gold! Carry on, Leesh!

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All the evidence said so. He was dead nervous.

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And then we confronted him.

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Sir, is it true you have a dead body in your car?

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No, it isn't. I keep I keep all my dead bodies under the floorboards.

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HE LAUGHS

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No, I do not have a dead body in my car.

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That ain't what Eleesha's saying.

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You told him I have a dead body in my car?!

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No, no, definitely not.

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I didn't see anything. Please, don't hurt me.

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You can't be too careful, that's what my nan says.

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You could be a killer too for all I know, sir.

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You! I said cut.

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And you, detention.

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Mr Bell's never a killer. He doesn't have the inner steel.

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-Bank robber?

-No, he's more the unpaid-parking-ticket sort.

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This is absolutely ridiculous.

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-And you, girl, you're a liability.

-Ooh, do you think so?

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That isn't a good thing!

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To be fair to Eleesha, sir, Mr Harris did act well dodgy.

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Oh...you must have seen Brenda.

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Well, my first aid dummy.

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Well, I thought people would laugh at me,

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so I put a bit of a blanket on her.

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Well, if you don't believe me, you can come and see for yourselves.

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Just a first aid dummy, see?

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There's nothing in there, sir.

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What?

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OK, so, we dress it up like O'Brien and sit it at the drum kit.

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-Rock'n'roll!

-Why?

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O'Brien. Playing the drums. Come on! It's funny.

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-SHE GASPS

-He was just trying to lure us

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to his car.

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'It was actually quite exciting.'

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-You are a murderer!

-No, no, I can explain.

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'Maybe you should get more dangerous maniacs to teach us, sir.'

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Wait here.

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'He can't do that.

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'Precisely. The governors would have a conniption.'

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What do you think you're playing at?

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'Plus, he's not head teacher now. He doesn't make decisions anymore.'

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Look! He's got Mrs O'Brien.

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We thought he was going to do for Mrs O'Brien.

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Perfectly understandable.

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-Pardon?

-What? Oh, nothing.

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Erm, that's enough now.

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Oh-ho! Well, that weren't the end of it, sir.

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It's OK. Don't worry. Look.

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THEY SCREAM

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THEY LAUGH

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You, my office. Now!

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'Course now I know the truth.

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Mr Harris wasn't a serial killer.

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He was just...nervous

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cos he was a rubbish teacher.

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(Oh, cut. Give me strength.)

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-Were that all right?

-My face weren't too shiny, were it?

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That were great.

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That was unusable.

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Right, who's next on the interview list?

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A time when pupils and staff worked well together?

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'Yes. Well, come on.

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'Best one gets a pound.'

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Oh! This is harder than trying to eat jelly through a straw.

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Yeah, like you've never tried that.

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Got one! No, no, wait.

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-Got any less tricky questions?

-No, wait, I've got one!

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HE PLAYS MUSIC

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That's my tune. How did you get my tune?

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You left your MP3 player.

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Oh, and did I also leave a little note saying,

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"Hey, Dexter, feel free to take my MP3 player

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"and tamper with my music without my permission."

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Well, I was only trying to help. Sorry.

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HE GROANS

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Those keyboards, they were pretty cool. How did you do them?

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-RAPS:

-# Oh, my days, what is this horrible feeling

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# So frightening, disturbing, unappealing

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# It's a nightmare, entirely messed up

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# I...I think I admire Dexter

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# Those sounds he was tappin'

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# That was kinda sick, man, how is this happenin'

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# And I never saw it coming'

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# But everything changed in the moment of drummin'

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# He was always geeky, annoying and uncool

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# Now...

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Well, he's geeky, annoying and uncool.

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# But to bring it into balance

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# I can't deny, man

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# The guy's got talent

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# Who'd've thought in one of the stupidest teachers

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# Deep down there was a musical genius?

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# I know that me and him were never too tight

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# But I'll be honest, I'm seeing him in a new light

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# Now, I know this shouldn't happen

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# Back-to-back me playin', him rappin'

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# It feels so wrong

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# Yet it feels so right

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# And I'm seeing you in a new light

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# You can call me crazy

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# But I'm looking at Josh in a different way lately

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# Most nicknames he gives are derogative

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# Big ego, big mouth, got a lip

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# Cheatin', schemin', impetuous

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# Cheeky, sneaky and rebellious

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# Doesn't give half the care that he should give

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# But deep, deep down he's a good kid

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# And he has a natural talent

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# For which he does show an actual passion

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# I know that me and him were never too tight

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# But I'll be honest I'm seeing him in a new light

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# Now, I know this shouldn't happen

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# Back-to-back, me playin', him rappin'

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# It feels so wrong

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# Yet it feels so right

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# And I'm seeing you in a new light. #

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Wow! That was pretty cool.

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Yeah.

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What are you doing after school?

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-We can ask to borrow some instruments, take them home.

-Yeah!

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Although I've got a lot of marking to do and detention, of course.

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Can you not just cancel that or something?

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I don't think Mr Bell would approve.

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-I left my bag and here.

-Yeah, well, erm, I best be getting off anyway.

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I'll see you later, alligator.

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'No-one saw that coming, especially not Josh and Mr Harris.'

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Yo, Josh...

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'I don't think that counts. I heard it went rather badly.

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'Garland is right. That's a terrible example, Johnson.'

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Hang on, but they did a gig together and everything.

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How is that not working together?

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You and Josh, you're the band?

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For one night only.

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Oh, don't worry, that suits me fine.

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Apparently, I'm too embarrassing to be seen with Josh live on stage.

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So, I'm going to play the keyboard in the background.

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Hey, I have an idea, how about I just lift up all the heavy stuff(?)

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Oh, shut up!

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-You are so selfish!

-I'm doing you a favour here.

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-Oh, yeah, by hiding me away like the elephant man?

-Whoever!

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OK, break it up. It's time, you're on.

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Last time, Josh.

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'OK, so, technically, they weren't on stage together,

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'but maybe that was like their gimmick, yeah?'

0:11:320:11:35

OK, it's time for some live music.

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He's live, he's fresh, he's super cool.

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Give it up for the amazing J-Hypen.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Where's the smoke?

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# ..Get a strange feeling whenever you walk round me

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# To make it worse, I'm not even sure...

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It isn't working! Is this right?

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# All I want to say is hello then I end up running home

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# Hey, you, over there Why don't you come closer, yeah

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# Cos I know I'm kinda rude

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# And I'm not supposed to stare

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# Didn't even know your name Yeah, it's true

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-# I'm so ashamed

-This is a disaster.

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# But I like you more than most

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# And I hope you feel the same...

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# In your world, in your world,

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# In your world, In your world, girl...

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HE COUGHS

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# ..In your world, in your world in your world, girl...

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HE COUGHS

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# ..I was so, so close, girl and now I'm... #

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MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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Don't just stand there.

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EVACUATE!

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FIRE ALARM SOUNDS

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It's fine. It's just the smoke machine.

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Everybody out!

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Can you at least walk, please? Walk calmly.

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'Nope, bad example.

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'No pound for you. They nearly burnt the school down.'

0:13:230:13:26

Yeah, but they didn't, did they?

0:13:260:13:28

-'Hmph! That time.

-Cut.'

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'You two, can you think of a time you worked well with a teacher?

0:13:300:13:35

'There's a pound in it for you.'

0:13:350:13:36

-Well, sir...

-No.

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'Oh, typical.'

0:13:380:13:39

What did you say that for? You just did me out of a pound.

0:13:390:13:42

What? We ain't never worked well with teachers.

0:13:420:13:45

So! I was going to make something up.

0:13:450:13:47

That's what you do with teachers, spanner.

0:13:470:13:49

Erm, shouldn't you lot be in lessons?

0:13:520:13:54

We are on an errand.

0:13:540:13:57

Who for?

0:13:570:13:58

THEY SAY DIFFERENT NAMES

0:13:580:14:00

Well, which one is it?

0:14:000:14:01

All of them.

0:14:010:14:03

What are you doing of lessons?

0:14:050:14:07

Desperately need the toilet, sir.

0:14:070:14:10

-All three of you?

-It can't wait.

-It's leaking out, sir.

0:14:100:14:13

Get back here!

0:14:130:14:15

-We are in deep trouble.

-Relax, man you're just do what I do

0:14:150:14:18

- smile and style it out.

0:14:180:14:19

Smiling is not going to cut it. They'll know we skipped class.

0:14:190:14:22

-We missed Ms Parkwood's class. We will be fine.

-Like how?

0:14:220:14:26

Watch.

0:14:290:14:30

Hey, Ms Parkwood. Nice lesson this morning.

0:14:310:14:35

-Sorry, what?

-Nice lesson just now. It was well fascinating.

0:14:350:14:39

Oh, right, thanks.

0:14:390:14:40

I was there too.

0:14:400:14:42

Haven't you learnt anything from hanging out with me and Josh?

0:14:420:14:46

I learnt I could get more detentions than I thought were possible.

0:14:460:14:50

That brings a tear to my eye.

0:14:500:14:52

Seriously, wise up, OK?

0:14:520:14:55

You don't tell the truth to teachers. Look at them!

0:14:550:14:58

Oi! Out of the way, titchy!

0:14:580:15:00

'Teachers - tall...angry...'

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Here!

0:15:030:15:05

'..ginger...'

0:15:060:15:07

Do you need to see the nurse?

0:15:070:15:09

'And that's just Mr Nunn...'

0:15:090:15:10

No, I was just laying an egg.

0:15:100:15:13

Right, well, lay one in your own time.

0:15:130:15:16

You've got cross-country to run.

0:15:160:15:18

'They are our natural opponents and they're bigger than us,

0:15:180:15:22

'so we need to use all the weapons we've got.'

0:15:220:15:25

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-'Flatter them...'

0:15:250:15:27

Hello, Mr Byron. Is that a new tie?

0:15:270:15:30

Yeah, I'm liking the stripes, you know, a bit of retro chic.

0:15:300:15:34

'Pretend to like them.'

0:15:340:15:35

I'm loving the look, sir, very sports casual.

0:15:350:15:37

'In other words...'

0:15:370:15:38

-What are you doing in here?

-'..Lie.'

0:15:380:15:40

Ms Andress. Ooh, you're smelling lovely today.

0:15:400:15:43

Is that a new perfume?

0:15:430:15:44

Yeah, I'm getting some nice little, subtle undertones of vanilla,

0:15:440:15:48

a hint of aged leather.

0:15:480:15:50

HE SIGHS

0:15:500:15:52

I wish Josh was here.

0:15:520:15:53

Josh was the business at playing teachers.

0:15:530:15:56

So, look, you want out of detention, right?

0:15:590:16:02

Well, I can fix that. You know I'm not the enemy here.

0:16:020:16:04

I'm your best friend. I'm the man with the plan.

0:16:040:16:06

Well, what plan?

0:16:060:16:09

Whatever Nathan says you did, just say sorry.

0:16:090:16:11

What? But I didn't do it.

0:16:110:16:13

But look, you're in detention anyway, right?

0:16:130:16:15

You might as well look guilty, fess up, say sorry, blah-blah-blah.

0:16:150:16:18

Nathan loves all that stuff.

0:16:180:16:20

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:16:200:16:22

Oh, and can you do this face, too?

0:16:220:16:25

Look, he's coming. All right.

0:16:300:16:32

Remember, "I did it, sorry, it won't happen again,"

0:16:320:16:35

puppy-dog eyes, yeah?

0:16:350:16:37

OK.

0:16:380:16:40

-So, what are we going to do now, then?

-Shut up! I'm thinking.

0:16:400:16:42

You shut up! We need to like sort it out or like whatever!

0:16:420:16:45

-Oh, calm down.

-Calm down, please.

0:16:450:16:47

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

0:16:470:16:49

What is it with you and fights?

0:16:490:16:51

-Shut up, Mary Poppins.

-I said, "Enough."

0:16:510:16:53

OK, tonight we're going to try something

0:16:550:16:57

a little bit different here, right?

0:16:570:16:59

So, I want everyone to get their chairs,

0:16:590:17:01

get them in a circle around me, yeah? Come on, let's go!

0:17:010:17:03

Right. I've got this book and I'm hoping that some of the exercises

0:17:080:17:13

in here are going to help us break the cycle of detention.

0:17:130:17:17

Then why are we in a circle?

0:17:170:17:20

-What?

-Why are we in a circle

0:17:200:17:21

if you're just going to break the circle?

0:17:210:17:23

No, not 'circle,' 'cycle'.

0:17:230:17:25

What are you chattin' about? I don't even have a bike.

0:17:250:17:27

Let's...just get started, shall we? Erm...

0:17:270:17:31

Maybe...Darius.

0:17:310:17:33

You want to take a seat up here for me? Good man.

0:17:330:17:36

There you go. OK, now, close your eyes.

0:17:360:17:41

I want you to take a deep breath and imagine...

0:17:430:17:49

imagine a really relaxing place somewhere. Right?

0:17:490:17:53

Now, in your own time...

0:17:530:17:54

(..tell me where you are.)

0:17:550:17:57

So, I'm in detention

0:17:590:18:00

and I broke the wing mirror off of Mr Byron's car.

0:18:020:18:06

I'm sorry and I won't do it again.

0:18:060:18:08

'Inspired.

0:18:120:18:15

'He was up against it too.

0:18:150:18:16

'Imagine having a teacher in the family.'

0:18:160:18:18

Faster than a kid running from Byron.

0:18:200:18:22

Stronger than a dinner lady's custard.

0:18:220:18:25

The whole school bow down to the awesome power of...

0:18:250:18:29

Natty C!

0:18:290:18:32

RAPS: # Cometh the hour, cometh the man

0:18:320:18:35

# And I have got a truer handle on these kids

0:18:350:18:37

# Yeah, I got a hold of them like Superman could with a grip

0:18:370:18:40

# Witness me saving detention, the 'in distress' kids

0:18:400:18:43

# Bless me, I cleaned up the big mess

0:18:430:18:45

# That Elmsbury was before my arrival

0:18:450:18:48

# Right till I washed out all the bad blood

0:18:480:18:50

# Like a tidal...wave

0:18:500:18:52

# See, I crave kids badly behaved

0:18:520:18:53

# And I grow 'em, mould 'em, show 'em the Natty C way

0:18:530:18:56

# I'm a hero, type of dude you can't get near, yo

0:18:560:18:59

# Head teacher, head of year

0:18:590:19:01

# I fear no authority

0:19:010:19:03

# Cos there ain't none above me

0:19:030:19:05

# I've found out how to make these kids love me

0:19:050:19:08

# Show respect and I'll start rewarding them

0:19:080:19:10

# Let them leave detention early before it ends

0:19:100:19:13

# Then I'll climb up on top of the tallest tower

0:19:130:19:16

# And shout out, "Behold my awesome power..." #

0:19:160:19:20

Cooler than an Eskimo's elbow.

0:19:200:19:22

Smarter than 47 Bryons.

0:19:220:19:25

Elmsbury is unprepared for the awesome power of...

0:19:250:19:28

Jay Carter.

0:19:280:19:31

-RAPS:

-# You can call me the super villain

0:19:330:19:35

# But I'm used to chillin' now

0:19:350:19:36

# So don't go hatin'

0:19:360:19:38

# My work here is done

0:19:380:19:39

# I totally own Nathan

0:19:390:19:41

# Played him like a console

0:19:410:19:43

# See, I've got so...

0:19:430:19:44

# Much game I could entertain you for yonks, bro

0:19:440:19:46

# I could take up buckin' bronco through a rodeo

0:19:460:19:49

# And still have a smooth ride

0:19:490:19:51

# So now you know me, yo

0:19:510:19:52

# Super J... Oh, sh! Keep a secret identity

0:19:520:19:55

# Just in case the powers that be

0:19:550:19:56

# Might want to mess with me

0:19:560:19:58

# I wouldn't recommend that

0:19:580:19:59

# I'm the type to take a ten-foot steel bar

0:19:590:20:01

# And then use my mind to bend it

0:20:010:20:03

# I've got the brain of an elephant - extra-large

0:20:030:20:06

# Shame Nate's just got the face of an elephant

0:20:060:20:08

# But I can't control genes

0:20:080:20:11

# I'm too busy reading minds, man, I know what you mean

0:20:110:20:14

# I could address the United Nations and talk for hours

0:20:140:20:17

# I'd be like, "Check out my awesome powers." #

0:20:170:20:21

But Josh was always in trouble.

0:20:210:20:23

Lying to teachers didn't help him, did it?

0:20:230:20:26

Isaac, Isaac, come on.

0:20:260:20:29

Imagine how much trouble he would've got in if he had told the truth.

0:20:290:20:34

You're an idiot.

0:20:340:20:36

See? A lie!

0:20:360:20:38

You're getting the hang of this.

0:20:380:20:39

Given all of this, we feel sure that all of the success

0:20:440:20:48

that the pupils have isn't down to them,

0:20:480:20:50

it's down to us.

0:20:500:20:52

The hard-working, dedicated and inspirational staff at Elmsmere.

0:20:520:20:56

Nearly done. Go team Harris.

0:20:580:21:00

-HE SNICKERS

-Team Harris?

0:21:000:21:02

What sport do they compete at -

0:21:020:21:04

being a bit awkward and rubbish with girls?

0:21:040:21:06

I've nearly finished this year's leaving reports.

0:21:060:21:09

112 done and one to go. I think that deserves a biscuit.

0:21:090:21:12

Whoa! Does Usain Bolt do 90 metres then stop for a Jammie Dodger?

0:21:120:21:16

-But!

-Finish it.

0:21:160:21:18

Shouldn't take an athlete of your abilities too long.

0:21:180:21:22

Whose is it, anyway?

0:21:220:21:24

Zoe-Marie.

0:21:240:21:25

HE CACKLES

0:21:250:21:27

Hey, guess what? There's a new one of those grown-ups

0:21:270:21:29

-that still come to school!

-Teachers?

-Yeah, all right.

0:21:290:21:32

I ain't stupid. Anyway, there's a new one of those what-he-said.

0:21:320:21:35

-Teachers.

-Oh, just shut up, yeah? All I'm saying is there's a new

0:21:350:21:38

teacher and he's in the doo-dah and he's totally thingy!

0:21:380:21:41

It's fine. I'll just tell the truth.

0:21:410:21:42

No, you won't! Have you met her mum?

0:21:420:21:44

She's just like Zoe-Marie, but about ten times worse.

0:21:440:21:47

Flippin' flip-flop chop, Mr Carter.

0:21:500:21:52

-Hey, Zoe-Marie.

-What are you two doing here?

0:21:520:21:56

Well, we just came out for a...

0:21:560:21:59

private meal together.

0:21:590:22:01

That's what we are doing. Me, Mum and Dad and Dino.

0:22:010:22:03

Hiya, babe, you all right? You all right?

0:22:030:22:05

I wanted to go for chicken, but they were all like,

0:22:050:22:08

"Oh, not too spicy, Grandma won't like it." My grandma's cat swallowed

0:22:080:22:11

a key. We still had to come to this flipping dive.

0:22:110:22:13

They totally don't got any sauce like mild. They do mild, hot,

0:22:130:22:16

and blowing your mouth off. Totally ruining my life. So, how are you?

0:22:160:22:19

One cross word about her daughter and Mrs Ingham will have your bum

0:22:190:22:22

as a toast rack. My advice, lie your face off.

0:22:220:22:25

Tell her that she's an excellent student and a pleasure to teach.

0:22:250:22:29

That way you can keep your toast rack to yourself

0:22:290:22:31

and I might give you a biscuit.

0:22:310:22:33

Carter, shut your yap. Ain't all about you. You got two of these,

0:22:330:22:36

you got one of them and you're always buttin' in. Never once keep

0:22:360:22:39

your flappin' trap shut and listen like the rest of us, yeah?

0:22:390:22:41

-Oi, idiots!

-Ladies, what seems to be the problem?

0:22:410:22:45

What do you think, thicko? Like flippin' Molly said

0:22:450:22:47

it was you that done it or was it?

0:22:470:22:49

-Is you been doing all this, yeah?

-What was...

0:22:490:22:51

It's like, what do you think you was doing, yeah?

0:22:510:22:53

You're like so whatever. You are such a yeah.

0:22:530:22:55

You girls all set for another fun day of school, then?

0:22:550:22:58

What? I only just got here. You having a go at me already?

0:22:580:23:00

-No, not in the slightest.

-I heard how you said it.

0:23:000:23:03

You were like, "Another fun day at school, girls."

0:23:030:23:05

-What does that even mean?

-It's just me saying good morning.

0:23:050:23:07

What's so good about it anyway? What do you know that I don't?

0:23:070:23:10

Sorry, sir, Zoe is a little bit emotional. Mr Carter leaves today.

0:23:100:23:13

Shut up, yeah, I ain't emotional.

0:23:130:23:14

What are you doin' tellin' him about emotions for?

0:23:140:23:16

I can't lie, but maybe I don't have to tell the whole truth.

0:23:160:23:21

Erm, "Zoe-Marie...

0:23:210:23:23

"..is a girl

0:23:250:23:27

"who never fails to...amaze...

0:23:270:23:30

"Stun." No, no.

0:23:300:23:32

"..amaze."

0:23:320:23:33

-You saying girls ain't no good at video games?

-Everyone knows that.

0:23:330:23:36

Shut up, yeah, shut up. I'm well awesome at you know...you know...

0:23:360:23:39

-Video games.

-Yeah!

0:23:390:23:41

Well, I reckon I could kick your butt at any game in existence.

0:23:410:23:44

You reckon? So, why don't, you know, thingy?

0:23:440:23:46

-Prove it.

-Yeah, prove it!

-All right, name your game.

0:23:460:23:49

-Princess Dance-athon.

-Princess Dance-athon

0:23:490:23:52

this Friday in the AV room, yeah?

0:23:520:23:54

Yeah, I hope you like the feeling of, you know, thingy.

0:23:540:23:56

-Defeat.

-For flip's sake, would you stop finishing my whatevers!

0:23:560:23:59

Sentences.

0:23:590:24:01

"She is incredibly confident in her opinions..."

0:24:010:24:06

You're like a foghorn, Zoe Marie.

0:24:060:24:07

At least I got legs. Those are more like monkey...poles.

0:24:070:24:11

"..which she expresses in...

0:24:110:24:14

"remarkable style."

0:24:140:24:16

What are you supposed to be? You look like somebody ate a undertaker

0:24:160:24:19

-and threw up over a thing.

-Stop it, Zoe Marie.

0:24:190:24:21

Molly is obviously in mourning. Who died?

0:24:210:24:24

Well, duh! Obviously, she's in morning.

0:24:240:24:26

It's like 9am or something.

0:24:260:24:27

"She can always be relied on to contribute."

0:24:270:24:31

Then my dad poured well too much gravy on my Yorkshire

0:24:310:24:33

puddings and they got like all soggy. It was bad as custard.

0:24:330:24:36

I also had these earrings cos I just bought them. They're like

0:24:360:24:38

-really valuable and everything...

-OK, thanks.

0:24:380:24:40

Not finished. Then Ms Andress took them off me and she's

0:24:400:24:43

like, "Yeah, you're not allowed to wear them." And my dad was

0:24:430:24:46

saying that if my ears grow back he'll send a letter with a bill

0:24:460:24:48

so she has to pay for 'em cos she made me take them off and

0:24:480:24:50

made my ears grow back. The other day, I was at the park.

0:24:500:24:53

I was like, "What are you doing on the swings?"

0:24:530:24:55

-I was looking for the swing, then I...

-Zoe Marie!

0:24:550:24:57

Can I put 'shiny hair' as a contribution to school life?

0:24:570:25:02

Wait! I know.

0:25:020:25:04

"..Erm, she has demonstrated a real flair

0:25:040:25:09

"in the area of make-up and beauty."

0:25:090:25:11

-Can I make you up, miss?

-Erm...

-Wicked thanks.

0:25:110:25:14

Well, I suppose if it means that much to you.

0:25:140:25:17

I promise I'll make you look nice for a change.

0:25:170:25:19

-Thanks.

-Don't get too excited, though.

0:25:190:25:21

I mean, I am good, but I'm no miracle worker.

0:25:210:25:23

"And used these talents to raise the spirits of the staff."

0:25:260:25:29

HE SNICKERS

0:25:290:25:31

Certainly made me laugh.

0:25:310:25:34

Mrs O'Brien, about this time tab...

0:25:340:25:37

It's not too much, is it, sir?

0:25:380:25:40

No.

0:25:400:25:41

If anything, I'd say it's not enough.

0:25:410:25:43

"Zoe Marie is a girl who has taken part in music..."

0:25:450:25:49

Get it off, get it off me quick! It stuck to my head. It stuck.

0:25:490:25:52

Get it off me! Get it off my head, quick!

0:25:520:25:55

"And I can confidently say on her singing,

0:25:550:25:58

"Once heard, never forgotten."

0:25:580:26:01

SINGING BADLY: # I heard that you settled down

0:26:010:26:03

# That you found a girl

0:26:030:26:04

-# And you're married no-ow

-All right.

0:26:040:26:06

# I heard that you're dreeeams came true

0:26:060:26:09

# Guess she gave you things

0:26:090:26:10

# I couldn't give to yooo-ouu

0:26:100:26:12

# Old friend, why are you so shy

0:26:120:26:14

# Ain't like you to hold back

0:26:140:26:16

# Or hide from the liii-ght! #

0:26:160:26:18

OK.

0:26:180:26:19

"To conclude, Elmsmere would be a much less...

0:26:190:26:23

"lively place without her

0:26:230:26:25

"and she will be...

0:26:250:26:28

"missed(?)"

0:26:280:26:29

Yeah, like I miss my athlete's foot when the footy season's over.

0:26:290:26:33

Did you input the correct code?

0:26:350:26:36

Of course, I did, you half-sized know-it-all. It's stuck.

0:26:360:26:40

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

0:26:400:26:41

Every year, scores of people are crushed by toppled vending machines.

0:26:410:26:45

Statistically speaking, they're more dangerous than sharks.

0:26:450:26:48

Statistically speaking... Shut up!

0:26:480:26:50

OK, she'll be...

0:26:500:26:52

Somewhere else.

0:26:520:26:55

Done. Right, tin, please.

0:26:550:26:58

What! Eh! Get back here!

0:27:010:27:04

Oops!

0:27:040:27:05

Teachers, how to describe us?

0:27:120:27:15

The best word for us is...

0:27:150:27:17

-Flaming idiots.

-Pardon me?

0:27:170:27:20

-Flipping brilliant?

-Oh, where was I?

0:27:200:27:22

Oh, yes! The best word for us is superheroes.

0:27:220:27:25

FLEUR GIGGLES

0:27:250:27:26

Murphy, are you laughing?

0:27:260:27:28

Crying, sir, at the...

0:27:280:27:30

beauty of what you're saying.

0:27:300:27:31

Yes, superheroes.

0:27:310:27:33

Every day fighting the good fight against ignorance, apathy

0:27:330:27:39

and illegal hoop earrings. So, I say to you...

0:27:390:27:41

THUNDERCLAP CRACKS ..join us!

0:27:410:27:43

Mr Bell seeks to explain in his video prospectus how the staff at Elmsmere are not just teachers - but more like superheroes.