Murderer All At Sea

Please, don't leave me. Anne! It was an accident!

I'm sorry about the ink. I'll get the coat cleaned!

Look! I've planted the holly just like you wanted!

Lovely and Christmas-y.

# Rocking around the Christmas tree...#

You don't get it! These girls are rich.

They live in beautiful houses. They think I'm one of them.

You're not. You're one of us.

I like putting pasta out in rows. It's my hobby.

-But, Mum!

-No! We're not giving the house a make over.

I just want it to look nice for the book club girls!

You're joining a book club?

Yeah. I've been getting really interested in...words.

That's great!

Hi, Mr Leith! Holly.

-What is it with everyone and holly?

-Eh?

You know you can get a Venus Flytrap for only six quid?

-They eat flies and spiders.

-Charlie...

-I'll feed it for you.

-No!

They can't attack humans if that's what you're worried about.

You could hold a baby right up to it and...

Charlie! I'm working here! Please, just go!

Only trying to help.

Sorry, I just wanted to check. Can I have my breakfast in my room?

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't offer that service any more, Dr Soames,

ever since one of our guests decided to have his breakfast

in the bath and clogged up the drains with his button mushrooms.

-I still have nightmares.

-I just thought that as...

We'd love to hear your ideas.

If you pop them in the suggestion box and we'll take a look...

at some point.

They'd suck the blood from your veins.

What's with the dark glasses?

She's just had her eyes lasered.

She's got no eyes? How does she see?

But if the book club girls come here and see this, the way we live...

I'll be a social outcast! My life will literally be ruined!

You're always saying that.

I bet you hold the world record for saying that.

Are you going to paint the room or not?

Er... Not.

OK! Fine!

Why are people so grumpy today?

-It's Christmas. Meant to be enjoyable, relaxing.

-Mr Leith -

I was just chatting and he nearly bit my head off.

Don't talk to me about the Leiths.

I arranged to have coffee with Anne, she didn't turn up.

No apology. No phone call. Nothing. Just total silence.

That's odd. Not like Anne.

It's obvious, isn't it? Mr Leith, he's killed his wife!

She disappears. Suddenly he's planting holly bushes.

Exactly! He was burying her!

That's why he was rude to me, that's why he had to get rid of me.

Loads of people want to get rid of you. Almost everyone, really.

If we catch a dangerous criminal, we'll be famous child investigators.

Then my parents will have to get me a new phone!

Another one? They only just got you one!

Supposed to be unbreakable, so I tested it.

Couldn't even take the weight of a horse.

A horse? How did you even come in contact with a horse?

Let's stay focused on the murder.

The alleged murder. Consider the facts.

The facts are, if we let him kill again, we'll be accessories,

because we knew and we did nothing.

They'll throw us in jail, Ben!

Eating bread with maggots, is that what you want?

No.

Right, then here's the plan.

Hurry up, he'll be back in a minute.

I don't get it. She's not here.

We need to go. Someone might see us.

Wait. One second... Ohhhh!

Clever! It's a distraction.

He pretended to bury her here,

but she's actually somewhere else in the garden.

Of course!

Fetch the spades, Ben, we've got a body to find.

16:28, subject exits butcher.

Proceeds in a westerly direction.

Subject enters dry cleaner with one item, female apparel, a green coat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing with my tableau?

Please, Dad, they're so embarrassing!

I'm quite proud of them, actually.

The pottery teacher says they're very interesting.

Get a grip! Look at this monkey, it's rubbish.

Shows how much you know. That's one of the three wise men.

-OK, but will you buy me a DVD?

-Which is...?

Bleak House.

The book you're supposed to be reading.

I left it too late. It's 1,100 pages!

That's nothing! I once read three Stephen Kings in a week.

-The stamina I had back then.

-OK.

If I don't read the book, they won't let me in the club.

-Which means I'll never get to go on the holiday.

-Holiday? What?

Yeah, one of the girls, Ingrid Eriksen, her mum lets...

Tamsin, you know, the barrister with the beautiful teeth.

She sends the whole book club to their villa in France.

So they can spend a week just talking about books.

And enjoying the 25 metre infinity pool and the Jacuzzi

-and the jet ski and...

-That's why you joined the book club.

-Sssssh! So, Ingrid Eriksen is coming here?

-Yes.

Right. We'll put you in the guest lounge

and then just in case the girls come in here, we'll have a quick tidy up.

-Sorry, what's happening now?

-I want to make a good impression.

The Eriksens - they're intelligent and sophisticated.

And they hold the most amazing dinner parties.

So, we've all got to pretend to be something we're not?

Yeah, normal.

The only way that's going to happen is if you lock Charlie

and Louie in their room.

Which is actually a really good idea because if it's just us three,

we can put on an act, like everything's OK.

Everything is OK! We've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Really?

Ah...

Has he been doing that long?

-Hello again! What's your name?

-Who? Me?

-Yes.

-Louie.

-And what age are you?

Who? Me?

How can she see me if she's got no eyes?

She smells you. You should stay away from her.

I think she's after your eyes.

You see, she's just had hers out,

but she can put in someone else's in as long as she does it quick.

But I love my eyes! I don't want to have to smell people!

It's OK, you'll be safe. Just stay in your room today and tomorrow.

-Then she'll be gone.

-OK, I will. Thanks, Hannah.

Cleaning a woman's coat? Well, that just proves it!

-Proves what?

-That he's guilty! He's trying to destroy the evidence!

We didn't find the body, so the coat's our only clue.

We've got to get it.

What, me?

No way!

No-one said special ops was going to be easy.

So man up, because failure isn't an option. Am I clear?

Terrifyingly.

I'm Mr Leith's son, Ben. Not Ben, Cecil. Cecil Leith.

Ben's a nickname, don't know why I mentioned it, really.

-Just forget I ever...

-Can I help you?

Eh... Dad, he left my mum's coat in here earlier.

-And we need to get it back.

-You got the ticket?

-Well, not as such.

-I need the ticket.

Of course you do. OK, bye.

But maybe you should separate the coat.

It's my mum, you see.

-She's been diagnosed with Lyme disease.

-With what?

That's why we need the coat. All her clothes have to be burnt.

It's best to catch it early.

Before it attacks the central nervous system.

Oh!

See? Blood!

Outstanding!

If that is blood, we need to take this to the police.

No way! They never believe us!

But, Leith - he could be dangerous.

I know! I saw this film once where a guy was haunted by someone

he bumped off until he couldn't take it any more

and he handed himself in to the police.

Mrs Leith. She's coming back from the dead.

Seriously? You're doing all this to impress some schoolgirls?

I'm doing it so Hannah has friends

who are into reading something more than a pop star's tattoos.

I'm exhausted. Night.

Night. Hang on, you going to bed at half past six?

Oh, no, you've you done something bad, haven't you?

-No! I've been really good!

-Let him go.

Louie wants to stay up there as well, we'll get some peace.

Night, love. Can I get you a drink or anything? Hot chocolate?

No, thanks.

-Night, Dad.

-Er, yes...good night.

Anyway, anyway, you're forgetting...

You're forgetting the most important thing.

-Hannah hasn't even read the book!

-Sorted. I got her the DVD.

How about a song to get you into the holiday spirit?

# La, la, la, la, la, hoi! #

Sssssh! Quiet! Get up and get dressed.

Is it the doctor lady? Is she coming for my eyes?

Er, yeah, that's it.

-Is he all right?

-Allergies, hurting his eyes.

-Oh. But there are medicines that he could take.

-Night!

Oh, good night.

-You're 28 seconds late.

-You got your mum's wig!

Security was laughable.

What's that for?

Hurry up, Alison! He's really heavy.

-You know which window?

-I did a recce earlier.

Anne?

I am the ghost of your wi-ife. You must confess.

Louie, Louie, wake up! Wake up, Louie!

-Louie, get off!

-Hurry! We got incoming!

Anne? Charlie?

Just confess! If you confess, they won't hang you...

Probably.

Christmas, it's supposed to be a happy time.

But I've had a massive row with Anne

because I spilt ink on her best coat.

She's run off to her mother's. And then all this, the garden...

-Again, you know, we're so, so sorry.

-So sorry. Sorry.

OK, we'll say no more about it. But, please...

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

Ink? What does he think, we're idiots?

But it was really good, the way you played along.

Imagine it! Forcing your own child to work for a murderer!

Well, we never had real proof.

Maybe we deserve this, maybe it's right that we got punished.

They've broken him. He's just an empty shell.

Plastic!

A spare house key. Outstanding!

A tie! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

When I finished at the bank, I vowed I'd never wear a tie again.

That man, the man I used to be, he was...

A high earner, generous to his wife?

Look, if we make a good impression on the Eriksens,

it could be a chance for Hannah to see a different side of life.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, books, reading... I'm all for that.

But this... Being trotted out like a performing seal...

-Go on. For me.

-That's really tight.

-Oh, sorry.

-Allergies still at you, are they?

-Huh?

-Let me see your eyes.

-No!

They're brilliant. Thanks so much.

Let's show those Eriksens how it's done, eh?

So, what's it about then, Bleak House?

There's this house and it's sort of...

bleak...

-You didn't watch it, did you?

-No, I'm sorry! I fell asleep!

Unbelievable! You're too lazy to even cheat!

What's the point in all this?

Louie, what are you doing? Take that off!

-No! I need to guard my eyes!

-Louie, I've not got time for this...

Would you like something lovely to eat?

Now go and have a little picnic. in your room.

And you better get on the internet and find out

what that rotten book is about!

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Just dropping this back to the dry cleaners.

See what they can do with the blood.

See that? Thinks bumping his wife off is funny.

So... We've got to stop him.

Seriously, we're breaking in?

-Come on, guys, let's have a crime-free Christmas!

-Let's go.

-Mission on.

-11, and I'm already a hardened burglar.

Come on, Ben. Go!

It's absolutely vital we don't leave a single trace...

What are you...? Take your shoes off! He'll know we've been here!

Doesn't matter.

When we find the body, he'll be thrown straight in jail.

Look, likes to keep photos of his victims.

He's probably slaughtered hundreds.

I do not like you, sir. I do not like you one little bit.

That's why we couldn't find her in the garden!

He's chopped her up!

Isn't that...bacon?

Tattoos! Her name's Anne, probably calls herself Annie!

You've really nailed this one.

Eh...there's two Ns in Annie.

She probably spelt it wrong. Spelling's hard.

And a lot of bacon comes from Denmark.

So it's stamped DANISH, as in A-N-I.

Sssssh!

He's back!

Why can't they leave me alone?

-Hi, Ingrid!

-Hannah.

Ah, hello, you must be the book club girls!

-It's an honour! Nay, a privilege!

-Dad!

You'll love it here, no doubt Hannah's already told you

what a incredibly successful and charismatic family we are.

-Come on!

-Come on in, we've got nothing to hide in here, come on in.

-I love your hair.

-Come on in. Enjoy yourselves.

-I'll put my top hat on, shall I?

-I haven't seen you in a while.

Sorry about that, he's got a weird sense of humour.

I don't. I'm just normal.

Let's get started, shall we?

So, you take this quite seriously?

Good. That was what I was hoping.

See this? It's human, isn't it?

-I'll tell your mum about you!

-You didn't even look!

Helping a dangerous criminal, that's what you're doing!

So, that didn't go well? What a surprise.

I looked at myself in the mirror and do you know what I felt?

I felt shame. All the good work I've done on myself -

the meditation, the pottery. No, no, no, I am not going back!

-Can you at least get some plates?

-Yes, of course I will.

I told you! He's chopped her up!

Charlie! What are you doing? Give me that!

No! It's Mrs Leith!

You can't mess around with that!

-It's important evidence!

-Charlie, go to your room.

-But...

-Now! Ben, Alison, home.

Wow, your work ruined by the very artwork you tried to hide.

-If that isn't a message...

-Don't!

Sorry, that was mean.

We could give them the bacon.

We've got plenty of veg, we could do a little meal.

Yeah, let's do that.

Beautiful writing with many different words.

But which was your favourite passage?

Oh, er... I suppose I'd have to say the descriptions of the...

erm...the bleakness of the house.

-It's OK, we haven't read it either.

-What?

We just do a book club so my mum will let us go to the villa.

That's so great!

We thought you'd be the same, but we had to be sure.

Last thing we need is some bore who's into reading.

-I've never finished a book in my life.

-Awesome!

Target acquired.

We have a serious problem.

If Leith does anyone else in while I'm stuck here,

it'll be Mum and Dad's fault.

They'll be at the funerals tortured by guilt and...

You two really need to learn hand signals.

If Charlie looked after his phone, then we could ring him.

I've got a pen. If we had some paper...

Yeah?

Look, Louie, for your eyes.

No! You're not putting them in the bottle!

Wait! They're just eye drops.

Your mum cooked...

..MRS LEITH!

Louie!

Louie!

-What? Where's the canapes?

-Charlie.

My life is literally ruined!

So! Who likes bacon?

I do! It's my absolute total favourite!

Wait! No! You can't eat that! It's Mrs Leith!

-Charlie!

-Don't be so stupid! It's bacon!

Really? Have you ever seen a pig with tattoos?

No, it really is bacon.

You don't understand! I am taking Mrs Leith to the police.

Get off me! Get off me! Ben! Run!

Run! Get her out of here.

Sorry about this. It's just there might have been a bit of a murder.

Lovely to see you, Ingrid! Do say hello to your mum for me, won't you?

My mum was right. Your family are freaks!

No, Ingrid, I want to go to France. Ingrid? No!

Ben, give it me.

You got him!

-That's the boy.

-Here's his wife!

He broke into my house and stole that bacon!

You? You're working for him?

Ouch!

John? What's going on?

Mrs Leith? You're alive!

But then, who's that?

I am not happy!

This can't be right! Grounded till Easter? And for what?

For trying to stop a mass murderer?

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

-It's a travesty of...

-Charlie! Ssssh!

-It's a...

-Ssssssh!

-Right, we're all set.

Mmm, that is delicious! You cooked that to perfection, love.

Go on, Mum. Try some.

Mmm, it's nice.

Mmm! Yummy!

Right, here's to a happy and peaceful Christmas.

Cheers.

I wonder what human tastes like?