Chips All At Sea

# All the single ladies

# Now put your hands up

# Up in the club, we just broke up

# I'm doing my own little thing

# Decided to dip and now... # MUSIC STOPS

Mum! I'm practising my street dance!

Please don't do that in the street. People might see you.

Mum, my tooth is really loose, I think it might come out today.

Well, that's good, isn't it? The tooth fairy will come.

Yeah. I wonder what I should wear for her this time.

Mum... All the girls are going to this

really cool, exclusive party tomorrow...

-No, you can't have the money for it.

-Mum!

Vegetables are thriving this year, apparently.

I reckon we should have a proper go at growing our own.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I'd like to do that.

Really?

She wants some money for a party tomorrow.

No, no. Not just cos of that.

I'd enjoy being out in the garden with Dad.

OK... OK, I'll give you the money for your party.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Unbelievable.

I'll get it!

You do know she's playing you, don't you?

Yes, of course I do. But now she'll have to do some gardening.

And when she gets out there in the fresh air,

dirt under her fingernails, trust me, she is going to love it.

And then the player becomes the played.

In what world would that ever work? You are clueless!

No, I'm not. We've just got different parenting styles.

Yeah. Simple and direct, and too clever by half.

It's that Roy and his mum.

# ..ring on it

# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

# Whoa-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh

# Oh... #

Hi, Amy, Roy.

-Hi. Say hello, Roy.

-Hunh.

Speak properly! You see what he's like?

I'm sure Roy's a good boy.

No! He is bad. He doesn't even study, now.

His last grades - D, D, D, F...

An F!

I'm so ashamed.

And the bike stealing and the seagull in the fryer -

he won't admit to any of it.

-He's a liar!

-It wasn't me!

Mum, can I have a...?

Roy!

Good to see you, mate.

Roy's going to be staying with us for a couple of days.

Why don't you take him upstairs, Charlie,

let him play on the computer?

You teach him to be a good boy, Charlie.

Yeah, all right.

I don't want to go with him!

You do as you're told.

Charlie?

Come on, Roy. Maybe a game of Scrabble?

Lovely.

Where I'm going, it's to see this school for troubled boys.

Very tough, like a military academy,

but I think maybe it's what Roy needs now.

It's so sad - he always seemed like a nice boy.

You will feed Arabelle?

The cat, yes. Yes.

She's a very good cat. Very clean and polite.

Not like Roy.

I don't want trouble.

You are a bad boy.

A bad, bad boy.

You want to time me?

The world record's 26 hours without stopping.

Reckon I can beat that easily.

CLATTERING

Stop! You'll break something!

There will be trouble!

I need to concentrate.

GLASS SMASHES

-Stop!

-No!

-Stop!

-No, get off!

No, get off!

Hah!

Argh!

You are a bad, bad boy.

It's OK, Roy.

I'm glad you hit me really, really hard in the face with a soccer ball.

I'm so sorry.

-DAD:

-What's happened?

Roy's knocked out my tooth. Look.

He's a maniac!

He just grabbed the ball out my hand

and flung it out the upstairs window.

-What you did was really dangerous, Roy.

-But he was...

Mum, I don't want to play with Roy any more.

I think he might be a bad influence.

Will the tooth fairy definitely know about this tooth?

Yeah, it's always the same.

As soon as one falls out, she automatically gets an e-mail.

Now, come on. I've got the dinner to cook

and I've got a pile of laundry, so everybody out.

And Roy - behave yourself.

Come on!

-SIGHS:

-That Roy!

Nasty piece of work.

Didn't you get any sleep?

No.

I must stay on my guard.

The tooth fairy!

That's what you wear in bed?

I just wanted to look nice for her.

Oh, no...

Why do I have to feed their cat? That's your job!

-I'm just a child! I should be out enjoying...

-Charlie!

I've got five guests coming today, I'm up to my tonsils in it.

And your dad's decided to spend his day in the garden...

Working, tilling the soil.

Oh, so he's doing his hobby and I'm being punished!

No. You are being bribed. I'll give you two quid.

All right.

She's left all the keys here.

I'm not sure which one's the one to house.

Don't worry, Mum! I'll find out which one.

Bye!

You all right, pet?

The tooth fairy forgot me.

Oh, idiot...

of a tooth fairy.

Well, well, well, well, well.

She's really made a mess of that, hasn't she?

And I heard her telling the other fairies

that THEY were the clueless ones.

Priceless.

Well, she's been rushed off her feet.

Maybe if she'd had bit more help from the other fairies

then she wouldn't have forgotten.

Maybe she just doesn't like me.

Of course she does!

Listen.

Sometimes, if a girl or boy has, like, really, really, good teeth...

..then the tooth fairy has to leave extra money.

So first they have to go back to Fairyland to get it.

So...I've got super-teeth?

It looks like it, mate.

If I were you, I'd put that tooth back under your pillow.

-Hannah - have a quick bite, we'll get cracking.

-On...?

The vegetables. I've been out already, got everything we need.

-I've got seeds, I've got compost, I've got spades...

-Er...

You and you dad in the garden - you'll have a lovely time.

Today's not so great for me. I've got to do...

-..stuff?

-No, no Hannah.

I've been out and got all the stuff, it's today...

I will do it! Definitely... One weekend.

Today, Hannah. If you want money for your precious party, it's today.

So I have to do it? Just cos I said I would?

You know what? That is...unfair.

-Isn't it.

-Mm.

How is it burglary? She gave us the keys.

The keys to get in the house to feed the cat.

No-one said anything about the chip shop...

Any problems, I'll show them my new fake ID.

"Official"? Official what?

Whatever.

That doesn't mean anything!

Yes!

Come on, guys, we've had our fun. Let's go.

What are you doing?

That's complicated equipment. Could be dangerous!

We can't take those!

Relax, Ben. When are you ever going to get a go in a chippy?

This isn't a roller coaster!

We don't have "goes". We need proper safety training!

PHONE RINGS That's it! They're onto us!

Hello?

Yeah...

No, my mum's not here at the minute.

Yeah, I can take your order.

When do you want them for?

OK, let's say...£5 a head?

What's the address?

OK. See you then.

We've got some business!

Outstanding!

-Sorry...what?

-A wedding.

Bloke was supposed to make them fish and chips, but he's ill.

So we've got the job! 50 people, £5 a head, so that's...

300 quid!

Are you out of your mind? We're children!

We can't just go and do...

We borrow the food from here, we sell it for a profit,

then we replace it all, keep the difference.

No-one's ever going to know.

People know. People always know.

The police, my parents...

We're doing something good!

It's a wedding, they've been let down,

so we've got to help save the day.

Yeah. It's a rescue op.

Dimpleworth Hall?

That's miles away!

Plan cancelled, I'm afraid.

There is no way we can get the food from here to there.

Yes, we can. We've got the chip van!

I might be easily led,

but I am not - repeat, NOT - getting in that van with you driving it.

Not me, Karl! The bloke who always drives it.

The guy who hates us

ever since you put tons of birdseed on the roof of his van

so that he got attacked by seagulls?

Yeah, that's the bloke!

You know, if you go down to the shops,

you can get a big bag of carrots for a quid?

Yes, but they wouldn't be OUR carrots, would they?

A quid. We're doing all this to save a quid!

Hannah, we're here. Let's just make the most of it.

And it's raining.

Look! I just cut a worm in half!

-This is just cruel.

-The worm doesn't mind.

-It's all part of...

-To me!

This is cruel to me!

What's this...?

-What is it?

-Look! It's something...

It's a coin. An old coin.

Let me see...

Oh, yeah. Ooh...

It's Latin.

Um...Albion. Well, that means England.

Regis, that means king. It looks like a Roman coin!

Hey, yes - no, yes! This would be an excellent place for a winter camp,

because anyone coming up the crescent,

where the chip shop is now, would be exposed to bow and arrows...

Is it valuable?

If this is a Roman coin, it is worth major dollar.

SHE LAUGHS

Hey, we should go down the library and see if we can identify it.

-No, you go. I'll keep digging, see if I can find more.

-Right.

Hannah...

Told you this would be fun, didn't I?

Mum!

Look!

The tooth fairy came. This time she left double!

I told you!

Did you see her?

Yeah, she was dead cute.

Flitting around in her little green suit with her little jar of teeth...

And my special super-tooth... that's the best one of all.

You, er...

Ever seen anything like... that before?

Yeah. It's a football token.

It's Roman, actually.

No, it's a football token.

What, and they speak Latin in the Premiership now, do they?

"Et tu brute ref." "It's Fergie tempes."

Look, it says there "Albion", which means England.

West Bromwich Albion.

You just can't admit when you're wrong, can you?

Look! Look!

"Regis". That means "of the king".

Oh... Oh, please! Please.

You're just going to end up embarrassing yourself.

Cyril Regis. Played for the Albion in 1980.

I... I've got to go.

Whoops a daisy.

Hi, Karl.

Yeah?

A business opportunity has arisen

which, if we were to avail of, with your assistance...

We're doing fish and chips for a wedding,

and you've got to drive us.

-No-one's told me.

-It's my cousin who's getting married,

and he rang up Roy's mum, Mrs Xiaowang,

-and she said you'd do the cooking for us.

-And you lot...?

We're going to be fish and chip waiters.

They like that sort of thing, grown-ups - children serving them.

That van, it's rubbish. The gears are wrecked.

-It's hardly fit to...

-Hey! Mrs Xiaowang said you had to do it!

And she said I'm in charge, cos it's my cousin's wedding!

I hate this job.

Aren't you carrying anything?

No. I've got to manage all this, haven't I?

I know what my cousin likes.

-You helping with this wedding?

-What?

Got to make some fish and chips for a wedding. His cousin.

-Charlie told you that?

-Yeah.

Then it must be true.

I'll come, too, Charlie. In case you need any help.

So, er...I've just been down the library.

I have to admit it, you were right.

Hannah loves gardening.

-She didn't even come in for lunch.

-Yeah... No, the thing is...

I thought she'd hate it. I thought you were being totally naive.

Did you?

Well, you were wrong, weren't you?

I saw something in Hannah.

You really did. Amazing.

It's all about perspective, really.

See, I don't look at our kids and think, "Why?"

I look at them and think, "Why not?"

That's where me and you are different.

Why not, Kevin?

The gears are wrecked.

Be lucky if we even get back.

Stop moaning and get the chips on!

Come on.

-Can I have a word?

-Yeah.

Roy - he's filming all this,

so he can prove that you're the "bad boy".

Maybe the film will never get back.

Maybe Roy might have a little "accident".

So what if he films us?

We've got a new customer for his mum - she should be really pleased.

It's just that if the fish and chips plan doesn't work...

How could it not?

There's no cooking oil!

Unbelievable! How could you forget that?

That's the most basic thing!

You said you were managing it.

There must be a kitchen in the hotel. We'll borrow their oil.

Oh, I was wondering when he'd turn up.

Our old friend, Mr "Borrow".

Orange juice?

So it could be Roman?

Oh, well, they couldn't be very definite.

They've got to send it to an expert or something.

I knew something like this would happen. We're going to be rich!

Ah, well, let's not get carried away.

We don't know if it's valuable.

Course it is! It's Roman.

That's like a hundred years old.

All clear!

OK, so we need vegetable oil.

We can seize and capture the cake.

Alison, the oil! And we need loads.

That much?

Brilliant!

It's too heavy.

We'll have to tip it on its side, roll it out.

Pick it up!

Aah!

Excuse me, I'm from Shrimpton's. Have you seen the vicar?

-No.

-CLATTERING

GASPS: You broke the cake!

No! We're investigating who broke the cake.

We're child investigators.

Official.

Child investigators? I thought they only had those on TV.

You want to help us?

Will I get a badge like hers?

Of course! Yeah.

OK, so, we think the cake wrecker's coming back,

so we're going to hide, jump out and catch him.

I have to see the vicar.

It'll only take a minute. You hide in there...

..and we'll hide behind the counter.

Well, we did our best to help the wedding, but now I think...

-..home?

-Roger that.

BOTH: So unlucky.

Evasive action!

-Are you the boy from Shrimpton's?

-No.

-Oh, where is he...?

Oh, sorry!

Shrimpton's. Yeah, that's me.

You need to get changed! The wedding starts in five minutes!

Come on!

It's weird, you know.

It's, like, my back aches, my hands are sore,

but I'm almost sort of...enjoying it.

I thought you would.

Yeah. Cos I know it's the same for you,

so it's almost like we're in it together.

Aww...

Really lovely thing to say.

Listen, Hannah...

-Yeah?

-Um... About the coin...

What...?

Dad! Look! We're rich!

We're rich! We're rich!

Well, possibly.

We're rich! We can get out of this dump, we can get proper lives!

Well, let's not jump to conclusions...

-I'm going to tell Mum!

-No, no, Hannah! Hannah!

-Wait, Hannah!

-Mum, we're rich!

At last, we have something to live for. Aah!

Mum! Look! Roman coins! We're rich!

We can go on a holiday to France!

And we can stay in a posh hotel!

And when we get back, we can get a proper place!

No more rubbish B&B! And then...

Hannah! These aren't Roman. Look...

Manchester United.

Um, I don't... Maybe... Could it be Latin?

"Manches Ter Uni Ted"?

Tottenham Hotspur.

"Tot Nam Hot..."

Chelsea.

Dad...the coins... They said in the library...

Sorry, Hannah.

It was just nice to spend a bit of time doing something together.

So you knew they weren't Roman?

How could you do this to me?

I'll never eat a carrot again.

So that's why she was digging all day.

And now I've upset her.

I am not a good man.

Yes, you are.

Just not very bright.

You're not like the other two. You're a good boy.

Yeah, I am.

You shouldn't hang around with Charlie. He'll ruin your life.

Quite possibly. But he's my friend.

The suit doesn't even fit!

Very unprofessional. Last time I shall use Shrimpton's.

-WHISPERS:

-Help.

Help!

You see? He always starts trouble.

But now I'll show everyone.

And my mum will see I'm a good boy.

And she'll love me again.

What's going on?

We need to pull out.

I was told to do the fish and chips, so that's what I'm doing.

Soon as you lot bring me some oil.

A mutiny.

What's happened? Are we in trouble?

Affirmative.

But...not that much trouble?

-This much?

-No.

This much.

Hello...?

I have to go soon.

It's on occasions like this we get a chance to reflect

on the true nature of love.

What it is, and what it means to each of us.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hannah?

Go away!

Are you deaf? Go away!

I just wanted to give you this...

for the party.

And to say I'm sorry. I should have told you the truth.

So...are we good?

Yeah.

And all what I said about this being a dump

-and us not having proper lives...

-Yes?

It's all right, Dad. Not everyone can be a success.

At the end of the day,

words cannot do justice to a love like Mark and Stella's.

For that, we need song.

Sing!

# Now put your hands up

# Up in the club, we just broke up

# I'm doing my own little thing

# Decided to dip but now you're gonna trip

# Cos another brother noticed me

# I'm up on him, he up on me

# Don't pay him any attention... #

Yes! Such a bad, bad boy!

We need to get Charlie and go right now.

I'm not taking orders from you! My, boss, Mrs Xiaowang,

told me to...

Negative on that one. She doesn't even know you're here.

What?

We made it all up. There is no cousin.

This is an unauthorised mission.

That can't be!

I'm sorry to say...but it is.

This is just the sort of thing we do.

I hate my job.

# Cos if you liked it

# Then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# Cos if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

# Whoa-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh oh, oh, oh, oh

# Whoa-oh-oh

# Whoa-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh oh, oh, oh, oh

-# Whoa-oh-oh... #

-I'm the singer!

Not him, me!

You little...!

Let's go!

Go! Go!

Yes! Yes!

Run!

You're not getting away this time!

Hide!

Whaaa!

Right, we've got one of them. Call the police.

No!

It wasn't me - it was Charlie! He did it all!

Look what you've done! You are in very serious trouble!

No! No!

No! It's all on my phone, it must be in the cake.

You have to believe me.

Look what he's done - their lovely cake.

Typical - here we are trying to do something good,

and he ruins it.

Oh, I forgot! My mum gave me two quid.

Let's go down the arcade!

Ooh, chocolates! You shouldn't have done.

To say sorry for all the trouble.

And how's Roy getting on at the new school?

It's very hard for him.

He's homesick and he hates getting up at five in morning.

-Poor boy...

-No, he is bad.

I just hope he wasn't a bad influence on Charlie.

-Well, Charlie's, um...

-Don't worry, Amy.

Charlie hasn't changed - he's exactly the same.

How can this be right?

Clean every cupboard in the place!

And for what? For trying to make two people happy

by singing a love song at their wedding!

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd