Rabbit All At Sea

-Money for what?

-To see Jungle Of Blood. It's the new Andy Steel film.

He's with the SAS, but he gets hunted in the jungle.

-He can make strangling traps with vines.

-It doesn't sound suitable.

It is. It's...patriotic.

I said if he didn't tidy his bedroom, he'd get no pocket money.

I did tidy it. I spent hours tidying it.

I've been up there. It looks like a family of baboons have moved in.

Can we have blueberry pancakes for breakfast?

No, it's yummy eggs a la microwave.

But we never have pancakes.

-I'm going to be in the paper.

-Oh, no. What for?

I told them how well the ice-skating club is doing.

-The ice-skating club that you're not in?

-I went last year...a bit.

No, you went one Wednesday, the day I bought the very expensive skates.

And I can't get the money for the cinema?

They're coming here this afternoon to take a photo of me.

-The whole ice-skating club?

-No, it's just me. I didn't tell the others.

But they're in the group and you're...

-What is this? Some kind of interrogation?

-No!

No, we are very proud of you and all your many sporting activities.

Of course, we want your picture in the paper.

Mum, can I get MY picture in the paper? I'll wear my velvet suit.

KNOCK AT DOOR Breakfast is nearly ready, Mrs Law.

Nice to have something to look forward to.

I saw a show on TV where the mum made blueberry pancakes for her children.

- They were all really happy. - Welcome to reality.

-Please, Ben and Alison are going to the film and I want to...

-No.

-Fine.

I'll get a job, earn the money. I'll get work on the fishing boats.

It's dangerous, but hopefully, I won't get maimed or crippled.

Hopefully.

Oh!

-Alison?

-Password, password! Give me the password!

Dragonfly, dragonfly!

You nearly dislocated my jaw.

-I've been practising.

-Did you get the money for the cinema?

No. My dad was still annoyed about the tripwire. You?

-No.

-Dragonfly, dragonfly!

LAUGHTER

Is that your dad's anorak?

It's not funny. My parents bought me it.

Look at it. It's so big, it stands up on its own.

I wanted a light summer jacket,

but they saw this and said they'd get the whole of winter out of it.

If I don't die of heatstroke first! I didn't get money for the cinema.

My parents said they'd spent enough money on this. This?!

Don't worry. I know how to get the money. Golf balls!

So we'll find old golf balls and sell them to the driving range?

For 10p each. I know some guys who did it.

They made 40 quid in three hours.

And these old golf balls are where?

In there. It's knee-deep in them.

An amphibious operation. Outstanding!

We can't go in there. We'll get Weil's disease!

-Don't be stupid.

-I'm not being stupid.

Rats wee in the water. If you get it on you, you get Weil's disease.

Kidney failure, followed by slow, excruciating death.

-Everyone goes in the ditch. Right?

-Right.

-Wrong!

-I'm not risking my health for... Agh!

-Everyone goes in the ditch.

-OK.

But this is insane. Insane!

-Got something?

-Just a rock and a fistful of deadly bacteria!

-Anything?

-Negative.

Aagh! It's a rat. Get out before it wees!

And another one. We're surrounded!

-Negative on that. It's a rabbit.

-Catch it, catch it!

-Catch it?

-Yeah!

-Why?

Wait! What do we want with a rabbit anyway? Aagh!

Oh, how sweet!

My old ice-skating dress.

The pet shop sells rabbits for 20 quid each.

-We'll catch two and sell them for a tenner each.

-Outstanding!

Yeah, but...

Sand! Rabbits love sand. I bet it lives here.

I hear them. Rabbits!

Can I just ask? How do you know what rabbits sound like?

We'll dig down, get them by surprise.

Charlie, you can't just dig up a green!

Look!

-Hostiles!

-Oi!

-It's OK. Just act natural.

All right, boys? Lovely day for it, isn't it?

Of course they're not all right. We're trespassing and vandalising!

Run!

Good morning, ladies.

Do you think Charlie got away?

Probably. He's had a lot of experience in covert ops.

I like your anorak! Did you build it yourself?

GIGGLING

Oh! Oh, what is it? Oh, get it off me!

I don't believe this. I'm an object of public ridicule.

And it's so hot. I think I'm getting dehydrated.

The pain will make you stronger.

-Ow!

-What are you doing?

Just mending my dress. We're meant to look nice in the photos.

-Very good, Hannah. Re-use and recycle.

-Let me see.

What's that? You'll look like you're off to join the circus.

-I think it...

-It's ridiculous. You can't have your photo taken in this.

-Hang on.

-But, Mum, it's my favourite.

-You're having a new dress and that's that. Got it?

-Yes, Mum.

Wait. How much is this going to cost?

-A lot less than therapy for me if I'm humiliated.

-Can we discuss it?

Of course. As soon as we get back from shopping.

Stupid rabbit! I can't believe it ate two buttons.

It's wearing ID. The name's Phoebe. It's got an address.

It's not supposed to eat buttons. Let's sell it before it gets ill.

We can't sell somebody's pet!

It doesn't care who owns it. Look at it. It'd be happy anywhere.

This is kidnapping.

Or rustling. Or it's a crime. It's definitely a crime.

We need a box.

Look, I've told you, I'm not interested.

You haven't even looked at it. It's in top condition.

-I bet you 20 quid it could beat any of yours in a fight.

-Out!

-Well, it looks like that's the end of the rabbit plan.

-Maybe not.

The butcher? No way, Charlie, you can't!

I'm not. He doesn't like me and Alison

since we sneaked into his freezer to make the giant ice pop.

But then... Charlie, no, please!

-There you go, my love. Anything else?

-I don't think there is.

Good day.

I've got a business proposition

that you might possibly be potentially interested in.

A rabbit? What would I want with a rabbit?

What?

Um...

Is there anywhere we could speak in private?

Look, sonny, I haven't got time for this. What is it you want?

Well, I thought that you could do quite well

if you purchased the rabbit and sold it on to your customers.

You know, for delicious stews and...

..pies.

What are you trying to do?

Ruin my business?

Go on, clear off! Go on, get out!

Go on, clear off! Go on!

Sorry!

OK, so we need another plan.

We should take it back.

Yeah, but how would we get money for...?

-You mean a ransom. That's a brilliant idea!

-No, I didn't say...

We'll tell the owner to give us 20 quid or they'll never see it again.

-Outstanding! Good job, Ben.

-Stop saying that. It wasn't my idea.

It's gorgeous. I love it.

It's all in a day's work. Wash dishes, scrub floors.

Stop daughter humiliating family.

No, seriously. Thank you so much, Mum.

Oh, so you bought the dress. That's the modern world, I suppose.

Everything thrown away when it has a slight blemish.

That's not true. We kept hold of you.

-Do you like it?

-You look lovely.

Just don't spoil the moment by telling me how much it cost.

Oh, he wants his clothes washing separate.

I don't like them touching other people's.

You'll get used to it.

And no pancakes? The mum on the telly...

Isn't real! She lives in a magical world

full of pancakes and separate washes.

We live in Scarborough.

It's better on my telly!

-Have you seen the other one?

-He's up in his room.

-He wanted the newspaper for a school project.

-Charlie's doing a project?

-Yeah, with Ben.

-Oh, Ben, he's such a good influence.

Finished.

"Bring the money in a smoky bacon crisp packet

"to the fountain in Fitzmaurice Park at four o'clock.

"£20 or the rabbit gets it. Come alone or the rabbit gets it.

"Do not contact the police or the rabbit gets it."

-Outstanding.

-The prosecution will love it.

There won't be a prosecution because we won't hurt the rabbit.

We'll just pretend, so they'll give us the money for the cinema.

I can't believe I'm going along with this. I've got a weak character.

Oh, no, look!

Bad rabbit. You're not supposed to eat the curtains!

That's sorted it.

I got the rabbit from that house.

-Where did you get the spacesuit?

-It just shows what you know.

That's a Jay-Z jacket, the exact one he wore on his latest tour.

Jay-Z? Cool!

Jay-Z jacket! Why didn't I think of that?

You two hide over there.

You're going in alone? Is that a good idea?

Absolutely. It makes total sense.

No-one's going in because I'm throwing this at the front door,

so they'll hear it and come out.

And we'll get a positive visual of the enemy. Good thinking!

-GLASS SMASHES

-No!

Wilful destruction of property is a real crime. We're criminals!

Duane!

Hey, you! Have you broken my window?

-What's your name?

-Come on, you two.

Eddie, it's not them kids.

This note, it says someone's got Phoebe.

No?

Why are you all dressed up?

-For the reporter.

-Louie, do you know what a reporter is?

-No.

-A reporter is someone who looks for children who aren't very kind

and she reports them to the government.

She hates children who think they're great cos they get all dressed up.

-But you're getting dressed up.

-No, this is just an old dress.

I dug it out from the cupboard cos I'm throwing it out,

but when the reporter sees you in that suit,

-she'll report you and the men will come and take you away.

-To where?

To a special camp where they make children work very, very hard

and you can only eat lumpy porridge and you can't see Mum and Dad.

Just stay away from the reporter and you'll be fine. All right?

Charlie, is that you?

-Have you cleaned your room yet?

-Yeah, of course.

I hope so cos I'm coming up there to check in a minute.

Oh, no!

Oh, no. Bad rabbit!

Not bad.

What's in the box?

Just some toys and books I've tidied up.

Now, this I've got to see!

OK.

-Make sure you put that away, all right?

-Yeah.

What's the matter with you? You're sick in the head.

Charlie!

If you mess it up with me and the reporter in any way,

-I will turn your life into a nightmare.

-Whatever.

You're not even listening!

See this? If you start any trouble,

I'll put it in the microwave with a giant bottle of ketchup.

Brilliant idea. How come I didn't think of that?

It will cause a giant mess and you'll get the blame.

-You'll be grounded for a month. Got it?

-OK. Got it.

-Have a nice day.

-Yeah, I will when you're gone.

Phoebe?

Phoebe!

Phoebe! Phoebe?

Phoebe!

Phoebe!

Aagh!

Just checking for mouse droppings. Sorry. There aren't any.

Yeah, 100%.

Enjoy your stay.

-Phoebe! Phoebe!

-Magic rabbit, where are you?

I'm off out on business, but you can keep looking for the magic rabbit.

Yeah.

How is it magic?

It plays the banjo.

If you find it, just bring it to my room and wait for me.

And don't tell anybody because the magic rabbit is our little secret.

Will the magic rabbit stop the reporter from taking me away?

-Definitely.

-Yes!

Magic rabbit! Oh, yeah. It's Hannah's dress.

She dug it up from her cupboard because she's throwing it out.

Is that right?

-What do you mean, you haven't got the rabbit?

-Look...

-What are they?

-Rabbit ears. I made them from Hannah's old dress.

-Outstanding!

-Are you out of your mind?

This plan is definitely going to work.

-What's all this?

-For the interview. I want it to look professional.

Right.

-And the trophies?

-I borrowed them from Jenny Leith.

I don't want them to think I'm just good at ice-skating.

You're not good at ice-skating. This is the problem.

-People want the fame and recognition without any hard work.

-Obviously!

No, it's not right. You did not win these trophies.

I want you to put them away.

-But, Dad...

-Now, Hannah!

You're saying I shouldn't take the credit for what Jenny Leith's done?

-Exactly.

-I should just be who I am and be proud of myself?

Yes. You have a beautiful soul.

I'm not the greatest athlete in the world, but it's OK.

Good girl.

Dad...

Thanks.

The note said for one person to come along, so watch out for anyone else.

-Did you bring the walkie-talkies?

-Affirmative.

Why don't we just use our phones?

Too risky. Dropped signals. Insecure channels.

And I don't have any credit.

Hey, it's the guy with the Jay-Z jacket. How's it going?

Oh, well, you know, I'm just...

chillin' in the hood.

LAUGHTER

Did you see that?

I'm cool. I'm actually cool.

It makes it all worthwhile,

the dehydration and the constant sweating.

Hey, stay focused, OK?

Rabbit One is in the lettuce patch. Rabbit One is in the lettuce patch.

Over!

Rabbit One has dropped the carrots and we're good to go.

Western perimeter is secure.

Eastern perimeter is secure.

Now!

The pond stays between us.

-If you try to run around, the rabbit gets it.

-All right, son. Stay calm.

It's over there, right? Yeah?

Is that one of them Jay-Z jackets?

Oh, yeah, you know, just chillin' in the hood.

-Hand it over.

-What?

-Give us the jacket, man!

-No, come on. Jay-Z would never wear this.

Look at it. It's tat!

Go ahead, it's your style funeral!

All right?

Yeah.

Eastern perimeter has been breached.

Repeat. Eastern perimeter has been breached.

Phoebe! No!

Give me that!

It's empty. Just two bits of fur.

You jeopardised the entire operation and lost some valuable equipment!

Hello! I've just been mugged. I'm the victim here!

And all because of you and your Jay-Z story!

I thought you liked being cool.

There's nothing cool about being mugged.

-I've probably got post-traumatic stress. Agh!

-Don't be annoying!

-OK, understood.

-What are you going to do about the rabbit?

I'll go home, find it, leave it outside their house

-and meet you at the cinema at ten to six.

-Affirmative.

'Lovely, warm jacket.'

I don't know who you are, but you've got my walkie-talkie, so hear this.

I will find you

and I will hurt you!

'Is that Alison, the psycho?'

-It must be so interesting being a reporter.

-It's all right.

Here's a list of questions you might like to ask. Just suggestions.

"What do you look for in a boyfriend?"

Hmm, someone who appreciates me for myself,

fair hair, wavy, never curly, blue eyes, five-ten or more.

No-one dumped by Amanda Bryce cos I won't have her walking round...

Sorry. Shouldn't you be writing this down?

Hello, Louie. This is Terry, the reporter I told you about.

You can't take me. I've got a magic rabbit.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, Amanda Bryce. She thinks she's so cool.

Can we just get on with the photo?

Oh, right, OK.

-Do you think you could make me look like this?

-Sure.

-If I had 100 grand and a team of highly skilled surgeons.

-Excuse me!

What are we going to do, Eddie? Phoebe, I miss her so much!

I know, Duane. I know.

But this is the only clue we've got.

You've got to hand it to 'em - a very professional job.

Hold on. What's that?

It's from a B&B.

Brookville.

Come on.

-Where are you going?

-I'm watching the magic rabbit.

It's lost its banjo.

-Where is it?

-In there. The grumpy people's room.

Why are you wearing that?

I'm getting my photo in the paper, so I'm wearing my best stuff.

Don't worry about it. You wouldn't understand. Get on with your picnic.

The rabbit is so magic, it's made loads of things disappear.

Oh, no.

Bad. Very bad!

If anyone asks, you didn't see me, all right?

-Goodbye, magic rabbit, and thank you.

-Ssh!

Lovely day, isn't it?

Aagh, my dress!

I'll throttle him. I will throttle him!

SCREAMING

-Oi, you!

-Phoebe!

Oh, my camera!

What are you standing here for?

This is my favourite corner for running round. I...

-Hold this.

-What? Oh...

Oi, come here! Phoebe!

Oh, Phoebe!

Phoebe...

I can't believe it. You wait years for a photo like that.

Charlie!

Sorry, Mum. Can't hear you!

FILM PLAYS

EVIL LAUGHTER

SIRENS WAIL

Please. Come on.

Out of the way. Yeah.

Yeah.

Your rabbit wrecked our house. You owe my dad a fortune.

How can this be right? Do all the laundry for a week?

And for what? For getting a lost pet back to its owners?

What kind of a lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd