Rabbit All At Sea


Rabbit

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Transcript


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-Money for what?

-To see Jungle Of Blood. It's the new Andy Steel film.

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He's with the SAS, but he gets hunted in the jungle.

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-He can make strangling traps with vines.

-It doesn't sound suitable.

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It is. It's...patriotic.

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I said if he didn't tidy his bedroom, he'd get no pocket money.

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I did tidy it. I spent hours tidying it.

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I've been up there. It looks like a family of baboons have moved in.

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Can we have blueberry pancakes for breakfast?

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No, it's yummy eggs a la microwave.

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But we never have pancakes.

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-I'm going to be in the paper.

-Oh, no. What for?

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I told them how well the ice-skating club is doing.

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-The ice-skating club that you're not in?

-I went last year...a bit.

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No, you went one Wednesday, the day I bought the very expensive skates.

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And I can't get the money for the cinema?

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They're coming here this afternoon to take a photo of me.

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-The whole ice-skating club?

-No, it's just me. I didn't tell the others.

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But they're in the group and you're...

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-What is this? Some kind of interrogation?

-No!

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No, we are very proud of you and all your many sporting activities.

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Of course, we want your picture in the paper.

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Mum, can I get MY picture in the paper? I'll wear my velvet suit.

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KNOCK AT DOOR Breakfast is nearly ready, Mrs Law.

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Nice to have something to look forward to.

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I saw a show on TV where the mum made blueberry pancakes for her children.

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- They were all really happy. - Welcome to reality.

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-Please, Ben and Alison are going to the film and I want to...

-No.

-Fine.

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I'll get a job, earn the money. I'll get work on the fishing boats.

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It's dangerous, but hopefully, I won't get maimed or crippled.

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Hopefully.

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Oh!

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-Alison?

-Password, password! Give me the password!

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Dragonfly, dragonfly!

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You nearly dislocated my jaw.

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-I've been practising.

-Did you get the money for the cinema?

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No. My dad was still annoyed about the tripwire. You?

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-No.

-Dragonfly, dragonfly!

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LAUGHTER

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Is that your dad's anorak?

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It's not funny. My parents bought me it.

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Look at it. It's so big, it stands up on its own.

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I wanted a light summer jacket,

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but they saw this and said they'd get the whole of winter out of it.

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If I don't die of heatstroke first! I didn't get money for the cinema.

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My parents said they'd spent enough money on this. This?!

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Don't worry. I know how to get the money. Golf balls!

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So we'll find old golf balls and sell them to the driving range?

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For 10p each. I know some guys who did it.

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They made 40 quid in three hours.

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And these old golf balls are where?

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In there. It's knee-deep in them.

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An amphibious operation. Outstanding!

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We can't go in there. We'll get Weil's disease!

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-Don't be stupid.

-I'm not being stupid.

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Rats wee in the water. If you get it on you, you get Weil's disease.

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Kidney failure, followed by slow, excruciating death.

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-Everyone goes in the ditch. Right?

-Right.

-Wrong!

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-I'm not risking my health for... Agh!

-Everyone goes in the ditch.

-OK.

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But this is insane. Insane!

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-Got something?

-Just a rock and a fistful of deadly bacteria!

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-Anything?

-Negative.

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Aagh! It's a rat. Get out before it wees!

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And another one. We're surrounded!

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-Negative on that. It's a rabbit.

-Catch it, catch it!

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-Catch it?

-Yeah!

-Why?

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Wait! What do we want with a rabbit anyway? Aagh!

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Oh, how sweet!

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My old ice-skating dress.

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The pet shop sells rabbits for 20 quid each.

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-We'll catch two and sell them for a tenner each.

-Outstanding!

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Yeah, but...

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Sand! Rabbits love sand. I bet it lives here.

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I hear them. Rabbits!

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Can I just ask? How do you know what rabbits sound like?

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We'll dig down, get them by surprise.

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Charlie, you can't just dig up a green!

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Look!

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-Hostiles!

-Oi!

-It's OK. Just act natural.

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All right, boys? Lovely day for it, isn't it?

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Of course they're not all right. We're trespassing and vandalising!

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Run!

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Good morning, ladies.

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Do you think Charlie got away?

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Probably. He's had a lot of experience in covert ops.

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I like your anorak! Did you build it yourself?

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GIGGLING

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Oh! Oh, what is it? Oh, get it off me!

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I don't believe this. I'm an object of public ridicule.

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And it's so hot. I think I'm getting dehydrated.

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The pain will make you stronger.

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-Ow!

-What are you doing?

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Just mending my dress. We're meant to look nice in the photos.

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-Very good, Hannah. Re-use and recycle.

-Let me see.

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What's that? You'll look like you're off to join the circus.

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-I think it...

-It's ridiculous. You can't have your photo taken in this.

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-Hang on.

-But, Mum, it's my favourite.

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-You're having a new dress and that's that. Got it?

-Yes, Mum.

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Wait. How much is this going to cost?

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-A lot less than therapy for me if I'm humiliated.

-Can we discuss it?

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Of course. As soon as we get back from shopping.

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Stupid rabbit! I can't believe it ate two buttons.

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It's wearing ID. The name's Phoebe. It's got an address.

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It's not supposed to eat buttons. Let's sell it before it gets ill.

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We can't sell somebody's pet!

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It doesn't care who owns it. Look at it. It'd be happy anywhere.

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This is kidnapping.

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Or rustling. Or it's a crime. It's definitely a crime.

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We need a box.

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Look, I've told you, I'm not interested.

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You haven't even looked at it. It's in top condition.

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-I bet you 20 quid it could beat any of yours in a fight.

-Out!

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-Well, it looks like that's the end of the rabbit plan.

-Maybe not.

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The butcher? No way, Charlie, you can't!

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I'm not. He doesn't like me and Alison

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since we sneaked into his freezer to make the giant ice pop.

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But then... Charlie, no, please!

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-There you go, my love. Anything else?

-I don't think there is.

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Good day.

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I've got a business proposition

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that you might possibly be potentially interested in.

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A rabbit? What would I want with a rabbit?

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What?

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Um...

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Is there anywhere we could speak in private?

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Look, sonny, I haven't got time for this. What is it you want?

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Well, I thought that you could do quite well

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if you purchased the rabbit and sold it on to your customers.

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You know, for delicious stews and...

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..pies.

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What are you trying to do?

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Ruin my business?

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Go on, clear off! Go on, get out!

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Go on, clear off! Go on!

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Sorry!

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OK, so we need another plan.

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We should take it back.

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Yeah, but how would we get money for...?

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-You mean a ransom. That's a brilliant idea!

-No, I didn't say...

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We'll tell the owner to give us 20 quid or they'll never see it again.

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-Outstanding! Good job, Ben.

-Stop saying that. It wasn't my idea.

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It's gorgeous. I love it.

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It's all in a day's work. Wash dishes, scrub floors.

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Stop daughter humiliating family.

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No, seriously. Thank you so much, Mum.

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Oh, so you bought the dress. That's the modern world, I suppose.

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Everything thrown away when it has a slight blemish.

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That's not true. We kept hold of you.

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-Do you like it?

-You look lovely.

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Just don't spoil the moment by telling me how much it cost.

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Oh, he wants his clothes washing separate.

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I don't like them touching other people's.

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You'll get used to it.

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And no pancakes? The mum on the telly...

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Isn't real! She lives in a magical world

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full of pancakes and separate washes.

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We live in Scarborough.

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It's better on my telly!

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-Have you seen the other one?

-He's up in his room.

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-He wanted the newspaper for a school project.

-Charlie's doing a project?

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-Yeah, with Ben.

-Oh, Ben, he's such a good influence.

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Finished.

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"Bring the money in a smoky bacon crisp packet

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"to the fountain in Fitzmaurice Park at four o'clock.

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"£20 or the rabbit gets it. Come alone or the rabbit gets it.

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"Do not contact the police or the rabbit gets it."

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-Outstanding.

-The prosecution will love it.

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There won't be a prosecution because we won't hurt the rabbit.

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We'll just pretend, so they'll give us the money for the cinema.

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I can't believe I'm going along with this. I've got a weak character.

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Oh, no, look!

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Bad rabbit. You're not supposed to eat the curtains!

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That's sorted it.

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I got the rabbit from that house.

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-Where did you get the spacesuit?

-It just shows what you know.

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That's a Jay-Z jacket, the exact one he wore on his latest tour.

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Jay-Z? Cool!

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Jay-Z jacket! Why didn't I think of that?

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You two hide over there.

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You're going in alone? Is that a good idea?

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Absolutely. It makes total sense.

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No-one's going in because I'm throwing this at the front door,

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so they'll hear it and come out.

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And we'll get a positive visual of the enemy. Good thinking!

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-GLASS SMASHES

-No!

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Wilful destruction of property is a real crime. We're criminals!

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Duane!

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Hey, you! Have you broken my window?

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-What's your name?

-Come on, you two.

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Eddie, it's not them kids.

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This note, it says someone's got Phoebe.

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No?

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Why are you all dressed up?

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-For the reporter.

-Louie, do you know what a reporter is?

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-No.

-A reporter is someone who looks for children who aren't very kind

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and she reports them to the government.

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She hates children who think they're great cos they get all dressed up.

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-But you're getting dressed up.

-No, this is just an old dress.

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I dug it out from the cupboard cos I'm throwing it out,

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but when the reporter sees you in that suit,

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-she'll report you and the men will come and take you away.

-To where?

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To a special camp where they make children work very, very hard

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and you can only eat lumpy porridge and you can't see Mum and Dad.

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Just stay away from the reporter and you'll be fine. All right?

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Charlie, is that you?

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-Have you cleaned your room yet?

-Yeah, of course.

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I hope so cos I'm coming up there to check in a minute.

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Oh, no!

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Oh, no. Bad rabbit!

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Not bad.

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What's in the box?

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Just some toys and books I've tidied up.

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Now, this I've got to see!

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OK.

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-Make sure you put that away, all right?

-Yeah.

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What's the matter with you? You're sick in the head.

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Charlie!

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If you mess it up with me and the reporter in any way,

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-I will turn your life into a nightmare.

-Whatever.

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You're not even listening!

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See this? If you start any trouble,

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I'll put it in the microwave with a giant bottle of ketchup.

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Brilliant idea. How come I didn't think of that?

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It will cause a giant mess and you'll get the blame.

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-You'll be grounded for a month. Got it?

-OK. Got it.

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-Have a nice day.

-Yeah, I will when you're gone.

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Phoebe?

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Phoebe!

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Phoebe! Phoebe?

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Phoebe!

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Phoebe!

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Aagh!

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Just checking for mouse droppings. Sorry. There aren't any.

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Yeah, 100%.

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Enjoy your stay.

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-Phoebe! Phoebe!

-Magic rabbit, where are you?

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I'm off out on business, but you can keep looking for the magic rabbit.

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Yeah.

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How is it magic?

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It plays the banjo.

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If you find it, just bring it to my room and wait for me.

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And don't tell anybody because the magic rabbit is our little secret.

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Will the magic rabbit stop the reporter from taking me away?

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-Definitely.

-Yes!

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Magic rabbit! Oh, yeah. It's Hannah's dress.

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She dug it up from her cupboard because she's throwing it out.

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Is that right?

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-What do you mean, you haven't got the rabbit?

-Look...

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-What are they?

-Rabbit ears. I made them from Hannah's old dress.

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-Outstanding!

-Are you out of your mind?

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This plan is definitely going to work.

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-What's all this?

-For the interview. I want it to look professional.

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Right.

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-And the trophies?

-I borrowed them from Jenny Leith.

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I don't want them to think I'm just good at ice-skating.

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You're not good at ice-skating. This is the problem.

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-People want the fame and recognition without any hard work.

-Obviously!

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No, it's not right. You did not win these trophies.

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I want you to put them away.

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-But, Dad...

-Now, Hannah!

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You're saying I shouldn't take the credit for what Jenny Leith's done?

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-Exactly.

-I should just be who I am and be proud of myself?

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Yes. You have a beautiful soul.

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I'm not the greatest athlete in the world, but it's OK.

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Good girl.

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Dad...

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Thanks.

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The note said for one person to come along, so watch out for anyone else.

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-Did you bring the walkie-talkies?

-Affirmative.

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Why don't we just use our phones?

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Too risky. Dropped signals. Insecure channels.

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And I don't have any credit.

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Hey, it's the guy with the Jay-Z jacket. How's it going?

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Oh, well, you know, I'm just...

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chillin' in the hood.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you see that?

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I'm cool. I'm actually cool.

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It makes it all worthwhile,

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the dehydration and the constant sweating.

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Hey, stay focused, OK?

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Rabbit One is in the lettuce patch. Rabbit One is in the lettuce patch.

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Over!

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Rabbit One has dropped the carrots and we're good to go.

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Western perimeter is secure.

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Eastern perimeter is secure.

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Now!

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The pond stays between us.

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-If you try to run around, the rabbit gets it.

-All right, son. Stay calm.

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It's over there, right? Yeah?

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Is that one of them Jay-Z jackets?

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Oh, yeah, you know, just chillin' in the hood.

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-Hand it over.

-What?

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-Give us the jacket, man!

-No, come on. Jay-Z would never wear this.

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Look at it. It's tat!

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Go ahead, it's your style funeral!

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All right?

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Yeah.

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Eastern perimeter has been breached.

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Repeat. Eastern perimeter has been breached.

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Phoebe! No!

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Give me that!

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It's empty. Just two bits of fur.

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You jeopardised the entire operation and lost some valuable equipment!

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Hello! I've just been mugged. I'm the victim here!

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And all because of you and your Jay-Z story!

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I thought you liked being cool.

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There's nothing cool about being mugged.

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-I've probably got post-traumatic stress. Agh!

-Don't be annoying!

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-OK, understood.

-What are you going to do about the rabbit?

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I'll go home, find it, leave it outside their house

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-and meet you at the cinema at ten to six.

-Affirmative.

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'Lovely, warm jacket.'

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I don't know who you are, but you've got my walkie-talkie, so hear this.

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I will find you

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and I will hurt you!

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'Is that Alison, the psycho?'

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-It must be so interesting being a reporter.

-It's all right.

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Here's a list of questions you might like to ask. Just suggestions.

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"What do you look for in a boyfriend?"

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Hmm, someone who appreciates me for myself,

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fair hair, wavy, never curly, blue eyes, five-ten or more.

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No-one dumped by Amanda Bryce cos I won't have her walking round...

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Sorry. Shouldn't you be writing this down?

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Hello, Louie. This is Terry, the reporter I told you about.

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You can't take me. I've got a magic rabbit.

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Where were we? Oh, yeah, Amanda Bryce. She thinks she's so cool.

0:22:560:23:01

Can we just get on with the photo?

0:23:010:23:04

Oh, right, OK.

0:23:040:23:06

-Do you think you could make me look like this?

-Sure.

0:23:060:23:11

-If I had 100 grand and a team of highly skilled surgeons.

-Excuse me!

0:23:110:23:16

What are we going to do, Eddie? Phoebe, I miss her so much!

0:23:160:23:20

I know, Duane. I know.

0:23:200:23:23

But this is the only clue we've got.

0:23:230:23:26

You've got to hand it to 'em - a very professional job.

0:23:260:23:30

Hold on. What's that?

0:23:300:23:32

It's from a B&B.

0:23:330:23:36

Brookville.

0:23:370:23:39

Come on.

0:23:390:23:41

-Where are you going?

-I'm watching the magic rabbit.

0:23:460:23:51

It's lost its banjo.

0:23:510:23:53

-Where is it?

-In there. The grumpy people's room.

0:23:530:23:58

Why are you wearing that?

0:23:590:24:01

I'm getting my photo in the paper, so I'm wearing my best stuff.

0:24:010:24:05

Don't worry about it. You wouldn't understand. Get on with your picnic.

0:24:050:24:11

The rabbit is so magic, it's made loads of things disappear.

0:24:110:24:15

Oh, no.

0:24:170:24:19

Bad. Very bad!

0:24:230:24:26

If anyone asks, you didn't see me, all right?

0:24:300:24:33

-Goodbye, magic rabbit, and thank you.

-Ssh!

0:24:330:24:36

Lovely day, isn't it?

0:24:370:24:39

Aagh, my dress!

0:24:410:24:44

I'll throttle him. I will throttle him!

0:24:440:24:47

SCREAMING

0:24:470:24:50

-Oi, you!

-Phoebe!

0:24:540:24:57

Oh, my camera!

0:25:020:25:04

What are you standing here for?

0:25:040:25:06

This is my favourite corner for running round. I...

0:25:060:25:10

-Hold this.

-What? Oh...

0:25:100:25:12

Oi, come here! Phoebe!

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, Phoebe!

0:25:160:25:19

Phoebe...

0:25:230:25:25

I can't believe it. You wait years for a photo like that.

0:25:250:25:30

Charlie!

0:25:300:25:33

Sorry, Mum. Can't hear you!

0:25:330:25:35

FILM PLAYS

0:25:420:25:44

EVIL LAUGHTER

0:25:440:25:46

SIRENS WAIL

0:25:480:25:51

Please. Come on.

0:25:590:26:01

Out of the way. Yeah.

0:26:010:26:04

Yeah.

0:26:040:26:06

Your rabbit wrecked our house. You owe my dad a fortune.

0:26:100:26:14

How can this be right? Do all the laundry for a week?

0:26:260:26:30

And for what? For getting a lost pet back to its owners?

0:26:300:26:33

What kind of a lesson is that for a child?

0:26:330:26:37

It's a travesty of justice!

0:26:370:26:39

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0:26:420:26:45

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