Piano All At Sea

You're early!

-You know how fussy Ben gets about the cinema.

-I'm not fussy!

I just want a good seat. There's K26 and L28.

That one can get a bit squeaky though.

I'll go and get my piano lesson money.

Whoa! Your parents don't still think you're learning the piano?!

Of course! How do you think I still get cinema money every week?

But it's lying! And it's stealing.

How is it stealing? They give me the money.

For piano lessons!

This is why I don't tell you stuff.

Yeah, you get all "Ben" about it!

I can't. My parents' friends from London are coming over

so I'm on perfect daughter duty.

Which you're failing at. I need some help here.

Mum, I put faces on my gingerbread people.

They don't look very happy!

It's because they know they're going to be eaten, obviously.

-Hannah, toast!

-I'm on the phone!

Sorry, got to go.

Whoa! Nice shirt(!) So colourful, and yet so tragic!

-This is very fashionable, actually.

-Yeah, he's right.

All the girls at school are wearing them!

Fine. I'll change it in a minute.

We don't have to put on a show for the Ruddocks. They're friends.

Nice blouse(!)

-Ooh, Mum, can I have my piano money?

-Hey!

Don't upset your brother. He's got his Grade 1 piano exam today.

-You hadn't forgotten, had you?

-No!

Good. School have sent the application form.

It's filled in. Be at the community centre for one o'clock.

Don't look so worried. I don't expect a miracle.

-I just want to know our money's been well spent.

-Oh, it's well spent!

Can you make sure that photo is on the wall when the Ruddocks get here?

Oh, Mum, it's so dorky!

I know, but look. We're all smiling with our eyes open and mouths shut.

-Unheard of.

-Stupid Ruddocks! Just cos they're here we have to pretend to be happy!

We ARE happy! Well, I'm happy.

You're happy cos you're living in a dream world.

Eek!

Just move that back there.

Lovely. Really, really lovely.

You're finished! You'll be exposed as a liar and a cheat!

How hard can it be? It's Grade 1.

Yes, just a few basic scales, perform three pieces of music,

sight read a little and you're home free.

I'm so happy I'm not you.

How do you know so much about it?

I used to play a little.

-That's it! You can be me!

-What are you talking about?

The examiner's never met me, and Charlie's a girls' name, too.

You can play piano, so...

Impersonation?! At an official exam?!

Come on, seriously, this is a step too far.

A covert operation behind enemy lines? I'm in!

The stress of this!

-Charlie Enright?

-That's me!

Funny, Charlie used to be a boy's name,

but now it's for boys AND girls.

Things just keep changing, I suppose!

Let's go, Charlie.

Smooth!

Why don't we eat the gingerbread people tomorrow, instead?

Louie, just because you've given them faces,

-it doesn't mean they've got feelings.

-I know that!

-DOORBELL

-Oh, they're early.

I'm sorry, guys. I tried.

-Sarah!

-Oh, you look fabulous!

-Alan!

-Hello!

So good to see you!

HANNAH'S VOICE ABOVE

Who cares what the stupid Cruddocks think, anyway?

You remember Alan and Sarah Ruddock, don't you?

-Hello, Hannah!

-"Cruddocks"! Ha-ha! Very good.

Teenagers! What can you do?

Tell me about it! Randall is exactly the same.

Hello, again.

You have a very beautiful home.

Thank you!

Shall we go through?

Come in. I'll put the kettle on.

Ooh!

Hi, Louie. I have a present for you.

This is Commander Cosmos. And he talks!

Wipe that smile off your face, space cadet!

What do you say, Louie?

Yes, Commander!

Helen, have you seen my blue shirt...

Don't worry, you don't have to hug him!

Phew!

GLASS SHATTERS

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC

-Is that good?

-How would I know? I don't play the piano.

HIGHLY ACCOMPLISHED PLAYING

BOTH: Whoa!

So how are you and my old pal Commander getting on?

-He and I had lots of adventures.

-You did?

Yeah. We fought side-by-side in the Mars Wars.

It was hell. The Commander got me through it.

So take good care of him!

Say your goodbyes, Cadets. We leave for Mars at moonrise!

But... But.. But...

I can't go to war! I'm seven!

They're YOUR friends. Why do I have to have lunch with the Cruddocks?

Stop calling them that! Oh, you're wearing clothes! Big occasion?

You know I only do one show a day!

Do I know how to breathe on Mars?

Louie...

How would you like to have lunch in your room today?

-Amazing!

-Who'd have thought you were capable of such delicate beauty?

-Aghh!

-Are you calling me weak?

-No, it was a compliment!

Ben means when we needed you most, you stepped up.

Like you'd do for me. That's how we roll.

I've got six more months of piano cash coming. Who's hungry?

Have you learnt nothing from today?

If you get caught out in a lie, you can fix it with another lie!

Poor Charlie, sitting a piano exam on a beautiful day like this.

I think children are busier than adults, these days!

When Randall's not at school, he's studying for his A levels.

A levels? I thought those weren't for another two years.

They're not. But you know what teenagers are like!

BOTH: Yeah.

Well, if the boy scouts have taught me anything, it's "Be prepared!"

And I'm quite popular.

How about you, Hannah? How are you getting on at school?

Hannah's more creative than academic, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm quite into street dance at the moment.

I think Dad was talking about your poetry.

Yeah, she's really quite gifted.

-I can show you, if you like.

-Oh, no, no, no.

-They don't want to...

-We'd love to hear one of your poems.

She's so lucky. I don't have a poetic bone in my body.

There was that little thing you wrote for Mother's Day.

Oh, please, that was just a silly rhyme.

Mother, by Randall Ruddock

You begifted me life, and with it, breath.

Placed forever within your debt,

As recompense what can I do?

But with that breath whisper, "I love you".

A-hem!

I was having breakfast with a clown,

He dropped his toast and it made him frown

Why does it always land jammy side down?

Boom!

Jammy side down, yeah?

It's so true, isn't it? It's funny cos it's true.

-Lovely, lovely poem.

-Thanks.

Um, didn't Hannah play the violin?

No.

She must be quite the musician by now!

Not that we're asking her to play.

-No.

-No.

-No.

Not that we're asking her not to play.

No, of course not!

-We'd... We'd... We'd LOVE to hear you play.

-Yes.

Yes, of course we would.

Yes.

Yes!

Why not?

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll tell you why not, cos I haven't played the violin since I was eight!

That's exactly why you need to practise. Now, where is it?

Dad, please talk some sense into Mum.

-Violin? Are you mad?

-What?

-Last time she played it,

we thought it was a cat in the washing machine!

I had to do something. It was Randall this, Randall that.

They're proud of their son, like we're proud of our kids. Helen!

We're not taking any guests this weekend.

Understand vous?

If you walk...down the road...

you'll come to a big pub

and you can stay there.

OK?

Maybe I can help. Je suis desole, mais nous sommes complet ce soir.

Mai si vous continuez sur cette route,

vous arriverez dans une auberge

-et vous pouvez passer la nuit la-bas.

-Ah, oui.

-Bonne soiree.

Whatever.

Just leave me alone, OK?

-So proud!

-I'll go and do the washing up.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Mrs Enright?

I don't usually do this,

but I just had to congratulate you on your Charlie.

Phenomenal musical talent you've got there.

One of the best I've ever heard!

Charlie?

Charlie Enright?

Well, yes, I will!

I will! Thank you!

Bye, kettle. Bye, sink.

Goodbye, fridge.

-Louie, what are you doing?

-Saying my goodbyes. I'm going to Mars.

-Oh. Right.

-Goodbye, toaster,

goodbye, bin.

Goodbye, Commander Cosmos!

-Wipe that smile off your face, space cadet!

-I'm not afraid of you!

You can't get out of there without your rocket launcher!

MAN: Ow! What the..?

The examiner phoned.

He did?

Charlie, I've always been proud of you.

But now I have an actual reason to be!

Now wash my hands.

Who'd have thought it, eh?

Our Charlie, the musical prodigy!

-It's really just basic scales, broken triads.

-Listen to him!

I told you we've got a lot to be proud of.

If you want, I could get extra lessons. But they're not cheap.

I can't find my violin, so I can't play for the Ruddocks.

-That's all right. Don't worry about it.

-Oh. Right. Cool!

Good decision.

I'm sorry, Commander, but I'm too small for Mars.

Oh, and if you hear any weird noises in the night, don't be scared.

It's Mr Johnson's cat.

Aghh!

-What's up with you?

-Commander Cosmos!

He came back. Please don't let him take me to Mars!

-Calm down! It's just a nightmare.

-Are you sure?

That your toy isn't trying to kidnap you? Erm... Yeah.

-DAD:

-Charlie! Ben and Alison are here.

-Coming!

-Pancakes and maple syrup?!

-And they left the bottle!

This is nothing! Mum's cut my chores back so I can take extra lessons.

Which means more money!

-I've hit the jackpot!

-Charlie?

I've got a surprise for you!

This just keeps getting better!

Ta-da!

Sur-pr-ise!

What do you think?

Are you kidding me?!

You can't afford my street dance lessons, but he gets a piano!

-This is different. Charlie's got a real talent.

-Huh?

That came out wrong.

-I'll talk to her. She'll be fine.

-DOOR SLAMS

Hannah's right. It's not fair her missing out on dance lessons

just cos I'm really talented and she's not.

-Take the piano back.

-No. What sort of mother would let you miss out

on the chance to make me the envy of Scarborough?

And we won't have to pay for extra lessons. You can practise at home!

Are you all right, love?

Yeah.

I'm just so happy.

-Oh!

-Aw!

Well, come on, then. Play something.

TAPS OUT SINGLE NOTES

Wouldn't you know? It's out of tune!

-Nice move, Charlie.

-Great. But what are you going to do

when the piano tuner gets here?

I could break your fingers. You can't play with broken fingers.

Or you could stop running away from your problems and tell the truth.

-That's it! I'll run away!

-Outstanding!

You had to talk to me at some point, you know.

Look, Hannah,

I know Charlie's getting a lot of attention at the moment,

but I don't want you to worry.

As if!

It's just that sometimes,

when one child begins to shine

then the other children in the family can feel left behind.

And feeling ignored, they lose belief in themselves

and after that, they're pretty much doomed to a lifetime of failure.

Like I said, not to worry.

Right!

We'll see who's got talent!

SCREECHING

..a genius.

And he sat down to play

and it was amazing, just one note and he knew that it was out of tune.

It's barely out of tune.

I'm surprised anyone can detect such a small variation in pitch.

Well, Charlie does have astonishing musical ears.

Although they look perfectly normal.

I've got superb hearing and even I can't...

Hello, children.

Here's our maestro! Come on, Charlie. Show us how it's done.

Hey, I've heard a lot about you, son.

I'd love to hear you play before I go.

Yeah. No problem. Whatever.

VIOLIN SCREECHES ABOVE

-Oh, really?

-Don't worry. I'll have a word with her.

Come on, let's hear you, then.

Oh. All right. Just for you.

OK.

SQUEAKING

-Hey! Found your violin!

-Yeah, just doing some practice.

Listen, you don't have to play for the Ruddocks.

Give!

-Charlie can do it.

-How does anyone know Charlie's any good?

Has anyone actually heard him play?

FLUENT PIANO PLAYING

You don't even want me there, do you?

Hannah, how can you even say that?

Course I want you there!

You'll be handing out nibbles and drinks.

That reminds me. I've got a lot to do!

Oh, beautiful!

Absolutely beautiful!

Unfortunately, I'd better be off.

-Don't stop, Charlie.

-Sorry, Mum, but that piece takes a lot out of me.

-Maybe later?

-Yeah. You save yourself for later.

You're bigger than the Ruddocks. You deserve your own piano recital!

I'm going to need a lot more nibbles!

What's a piano recital?

Look at all these chairs!

We've been outnumbered before.

New plan!

PIANO MUSIC ON CD

Of course(!)

Your plan is to add another storey to the skyscraper of lies.

We'll hide the CD player in the piano.

When I give you the signal, press play.

It won't fit! There's too much stuff in there.

-It's not stuff! It's piano!

-It has to go.

You can't just dismantle a piano!

I'll take a photo so we know how to put it back together.

You weren't even looking! I didn't need to - I took a photo!

OK. Let's do this.

You might want to look away.

Say your goodbyes, cadets. We leave for Mars at moonrise.

Look what you've done!

We'll lower the lights. Who's going to know?

Uh-oh! Past out at 12 o'clock!

-Now what?

-The remote won't work through the piano.

We'll have to turn it on by hand.

How can we do that? We can't fit in it!

Charlie, Commander Cosmos, he's alive!

-Yeah, we saw it on the news.

-It's on the news?!

He's taking seven-year-olds from all over the country

and sending them to space!

-The Mars Wars.

-Yeah, that was it. Right, Ben?

Uh...

But don't worry. We've found you the perfect hiding place.

-What's this for?

-So Commander Cosmos can't hear you breathing.

I cough, you press play. I cough again, you press stop.

-Simple!

-Thanks, Charlie.

-Yeah. Just hurry up.

Another proud moment for us(!)

Come in, come in. Sit down.

Sit down.

Hand them out.

-Louie just won't take care of this... All right!

-Charlie?

Thank you.

You didn't need to go to all this bother on our account.

We'd have been happy with telly and an early night.

I'm not going to bore you with Charlie's talent

and how it comes from my side of the family and all that.

I'm just going to let it speak for itself.

Charlie!

FORCES A COUGH

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

CHOKES ON BISCUIT

SKIPS TO NEXT TRACK

LIGHT JAZZ

HONKY TONK

VAUDEVILLE

MUSIC HALL SINGER

# I'm leaning on a lamp post at the corner of the street

# Street-street-street-street #

UPBEAT SWING

MUSIC IS JUMBLED UP

STREET MUSIC BLARES OUT

Cosmos!

Take that!

I'll never go to Mars! Never! Never!

You can't take me!

If you want to miss the traffic, you should probably get on the road.

Great! Sounds like good advice.

Drive safely!

Look, before you say anything, I really am sorry!

I don't know what the worst punishment is you can think of,

but whatever it is, I deserve it.

I'm sick and tired of all the lies

and from now on, I promise no more lies and...

Commander Cosmos!

Charlie!

How can this be right? Change every single bed for a week

and for what? For wanting my mum to be proud of my talent.

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

It's a travesty of justice!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd