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Buckle up, you lot. We're going on a bizarre road around the UK with your CBBC mates.
Ed and Joe kick us off in Sheffield.
Barney has a wheely good time.
Holly goes road bowling.
I've been training for literally hours for this.
Johny gets boxed in, while London goes a moustache.
# All over the place All over the place
# North, south, east, west
# On a bizarre quest Me and my mates, all over the place
# It's true what you've heard
# Everything is absurd Whatever we do is strange but true
# All over the place All over the place
# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK
# But it turns up all over the place. #
-Why are we in Sheffield?
-Because Sheffield is a very important place, Ed.
If anything, I'd say it was the most important place in the world.
Oh, I know why. It's because of its history with steel.
Sheffield is known as the Steel City.
-Oh. Oh, I know!
It's because it has so many trees.
Put it this way, if it wasn't for Sheffield, players like Rooney,
Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, they'd all be out of work.
Is that because they've got part-time jobs
polishing cutlery and pruning trees?
No. Because Sheffield has the oldest football club in the world.
Sheffield FC is an amateur football club.
Not to be confused with professionals Wednesday or United.
Who might be bigger, but definitely not older.
Sheffield FC are also wiser.
They're responsible for many of the rules still used in football today.
In 1857, Sheffield FC was officially founded.
And then two members of Sheffield FC
sat down and came up with some rules.
And they were known as the Sheffield rules.
Wow! That's a really important conversation they must have had.
This football malarkey seems to be taking off.
-Probably about time we wrote down some rules.
Mmm. Good idea.
Yes. Rule number one...
Fouls? What about fouls?
If one player was to intentionally kick another one.
Pfft! We are gentlemen.
No footballer would intentionally kick another.
Of course. What a foolish notion.
Hang on. What about that game last week?
Went on for days. Several people injured.
Good point. "No kicking one another."
What are your thoughts on handling the ball with one's hands?
Don't be ridiculous.
How can one catch the ball if one can't use one's hands?
Forgive me. Don't know what I was thinking.
Silly, silly me.
I'm sure there's one other thing.
Ed, I've got an idea.
Shall we see if the Sheffield FC players
-want to have a game of football using the old rules?
Rule number one is each player must provide himself
with a red or dark blue cap.
Have you got a cap?
-I've got one.
-You have, Ed?
Yeah. I've got one. Looks like it's just me and you.
-See you later, boys.
-Here we go with two-aside and the old rules.
It's Petrie wearing the red cap to kick off
from the middle of the park. That rule still exists.
Oh, my word. He's pushed Swash over from the penalty box. But no foul.
Old rules allow pushing with hands. Swash appears to handle the ball.
No point in arguing.
That's allowed in the old rules, as long as you don't catch it.
Nice goal, Swash. I guess that's why they call it the beautiful game.
And the clip around the ear finishes this Match of the Day.
-Ah, this is the life, eh, Ed?
People have been travelling up and down
-the Union Canal for nearly 200 years.
-Should get a better map.
So, where are we heading?
To the Falkirk wheel.
I love wheels, me. And, as it happens, the Union Canal.
It's great. It's 32 miles long, which is 51 kilometres.
Or you could say it's nearly 51,000 football pitches.
Wow. Good factoid, Ed Petrie off the telly.
Well, if you like factoids about the Union Canal,
it starts in Edinburgh and it ends...
-We're going to go off the edge!
Calm down, you two.
You're just at the top of the Falkirk Wheel.
It's the world's only rotating boat lift.
So, don't be scared. Be amazed.
I wasn't really scared, by the way.
I was just enjoying the ride.
-Just doing it for the telly.
-Just for you.
So, top is the end of the Union Canal
and bottom is the start of the Forth and Clyde Canal.
That's wheely uplifting.
Ed and Barney, you have 37 seconds to find out as much as you can
about the Falkirk Wheel.
Barney, you've got Alasdair, who looks after the wheel
and, Ed, you've got John, who knows how it works.
Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.
Three, two, one. Go!
John, I'm here to ask loads of questions about the Falkirk Wheel.
-Why didn't they just build a really big slide?
-How much does it cost?
-About 20 million in total.
How many people built it?
1,000 construction staff.
How many times does it spin round in a day?
As many as you want. 40 or 50 times.
How many people use it every year?
-Quite a lot!
How fast does it got round?
About five minutes but you can do it faster.
-What's it made out of?
-How much water can it hold?
-250 tonnes in each gondola.
-How high is it?
If it was made of cheese would it still spin?
-With very, very strong cheese!
-How heavy is it? Oh!
And the person who found out the most facts is...
This is my celebration dance. This is how excited I am.
I'm wheely happy that I managed to find out some wheely cool facts
about the Falkirk Wheel. Thank you!
If there was a prize for puns, you'd have won that as well.
-It's a bit high, though.
-Let's get back up there.
-Cool. I won! I won!
John was saying that the reason they call this a wheel
is it's actually a wheel.
-It's not, though.
-You don't have to have the side bits to have a wheel.
-As long as it goes round, it's a wheel?
-What if it's a triangle going around?
-I don't know. You'd have to ask John.
He also said that before they had the wheel, to get between the two canals
- because it's a 45 metre height difference between the two -
there used to be 11 locks and it took eight hours.
-Eight hours to do what we'll do in 15 minutes?
-Amazing, isn't it?
-Mad, that is.
-That's what John was saying.
He knows his stuff, John.
And John said this is really energy-efficient.
-Doesn't use a lot of it?
-All you need is the amount of electricity
-it takes to boil six kettles.
-Is that all it is? Wow! Amazing.
Some of the stuff that John was saying, it blew me away.
-Guess how long John said this wheel would last for?
-They reckon about 120 years.
-That's some good engineering.
You do a lot of talking with your new best mate, John, don't you?
He was saying it's only broken down once...
Wow. John knows his stuff, doesn't he?
The ice was about 30 centimetres thick. It's quite thick, wasn't it?
Good old John. Why don't you buy a house and do it up together?
What? Was I talking about John too much?
Who's John? You haven't mentioned him a million times.
Good. Wouldn't want to bore you.
Cos John was saying, apparently this canal runs between Glasgow...
So, how far to Edinburgh?
-I think it's the same distance as 51,000 football pitches.
-That's like 28,000 David Beckhams, isn't it?
Or ten Peter Crouches.
Because he's really tall.
Yeah. I got it.
If you like collecting strange things,
then you're going to love this.
Hi, Paul. Are you all right? Wow! How many have you got here, Paul?
About 10,000 different ones in my collection.
Is every single one different?
Every one's different.
If the first milk bottle was delivered in 1880,
it probably took them the next 130 years to deliver them here.
It takes 38 squirts from a cow's udder to fill a bottle of milk.
I think we're starting to milk these facts!
What's this? It's past-your-eyes milk.
Good one, Ed(!) When you pasteurise milk, you remove harmful germs.
Check this out. One from my home town of Sheffield. Class!
So, what's this little section here?
Hoots, man! It's the Scottish section.
Och aye the noo!
We prefer the Queen's English here, Ed.
This one's got the Queen's initials on it.
From the Royal Dairy at Windsor.
Are there other people who do this?
I run a club of collectors. There's about 120 people in the club.
There's a little magazine I do.
-He's got a newsletter!
-Look at that. Milk Bottle News.
News flash just in.
Milk can be good for insect bites.
-Over to you, Ed Petrie.
-Thank you, Johny.
I'm here in Essex where I've just found out
an important milk-related fact.
Apparently milk powder can be used in luxurious baths
as it helps make the skin feel soft.
They're particularly fond of it in Japan.
And now for a commercial break.
Oh no. I'm a child between the ages 9 and 18,
and this sugary fruit-based drink doesn't provide
the 1,300 milligrams of calcium I need each day
for optimum bone growth.
Whatever am I going to do?
Don't worry, little girl.
It's Captain Milkyman.
# Captain Milkyman, if you need milk, call Captain Milkyman. #
I will be there right away.
Oh no. I've got an important meeting and my suit's creased.
What am I going to do?
Don't worry, son. I'm here.
-Who are you?
-I'm Captain Milkyman.
And this pint of semi-skilled milk
-should sort out your suit-based crisis.
-What are you doing?
No, no. No need to thank me.
You've got milk all over my phone.
You've broken it.
That's the magic of milk.
Now, Captain Milkyman away!
That's odd. This seems to be the work of the Evil Dr Biscuit.
-No. I'm Captain Milkyman.
-Of course you are.
I'm arresting you in connection with a number of milk-related assaults.
Committed while dressed as a superhero fictional character.
Officer, this lunatic ruined my suit and my phone. Arrest him!
What do you think I'm doing?
Oh, yeah. Can I watch?
Course you can. You're in big trouble, my lad.
-We're on the telly.
-Course you are.
Someone tell her. Who's idea was this bit?
Aargh! Eurgh! Ow! My tooth!
Oh, that's handy. I'll just pop into the doctors.
Ah, Mr Petrie. We've been expecting you.
Don't panic, Ed.
Although everything looks like it belongs in a horror movie, this is
actually a museum and it's packed with four centuries' worth
of old surgical instruments and specimens.
Specimens in jars.
Jars of body parts. Mwah ha-ha!
What can you do about my toothache?
Well, if we were in the 18th century,
we might want to use one of these.
It's a tooth key.
If you give me your finger, I can show you.
-I'm not sure I want to!
-I promise I won't hurt you.
Yeah? I'm going to get it back exactly as it is now?
All in one piece. So, imagine that your finger is the tooth
and then we just turn very slowly.
Can you feel the pressure?
The tooth is fine, actually. I think I was making a fuss about nothing.
It's more the cough.
What we would need a fleam.
We can see there's a knife on this end.
How will this stop me coughing? Just poke me with it till I stop?
No. Very popular way of curing lots of different ailments at that time
was to take blood from the patient.
So if you hold out your arm?
-I'm not going to do that.
No. I haven't coughed for a couple of minutes.
Seems to be working.
That's fine. It was more a broken leg.
First of all, we would pop this round your leg.
It's a tourniquet.
This helps to stop the bleeding.
Oh, yeah? Just tie it up and go home?
-Everything's lovely, have a cup of tea and cake.
-Not quite finished yet.
This is an amputation knife.
You would put the knife underneath the leg like this.
Nice big cut all the way round the leg.
Then you need this little device called a retractor.
Looks like something you cut cheese with.
What we've got to get at underneath is the bone.
We've got to pull out the tissue, so that's not in the way.
Finally what we need is this, the good old amputation saw.
We've got the wound nice and exposed and you can see the bone.
Then quickly go in and saw through.
The anaesthetic should be kicking in in a few moments, Mr Matthews.
We just need you to count down from 100 but only using prime numbers.
Well, he's asleep.
And surprisingly good at maths.
Excellent. Hand me the scalpel.
Here's the tricky part. Tweezers.
Easy does it.
-Yes! My turn.
-What have you found?
-Bingo. Wonder what that's doing there.
I am a little bit worried about his iron content.
Three seems too many.
Maybe he wanted a flat stomach.
-I don't get it.
-Never mind. I think we're done here.
Do you want to start with the waking up procedure?
OK. WAKE UP!
Hello, Mr Matthews.
The operation was a complete success.
-Although there were a few complications.
Yeah, well, it turns out your body's made of cardboard surrounded
by metal censors that buzz when something metal touches them.
You really should seek help from a medical professional.
Aren't you medical professionals?
Me? No, no. This is my first day.
I just plain old wandered in off the street.
Actually, I wonder if you could give us some medical advice.
What does this do?
-Mr Matthews? FLATLINE
This is a warning to sheep to make sure they don't stand
with their bottoms pointing towards a flying boomerang.
No, Ed, this is the Superlambanana by Japanese artist Taro Chiezo.
What's it doing here in Liverpool?
Well, it was commissioned in 1998
and it reflects the history of the city's docks.
Sheep and bananas were common cargo, but probably not in the same crate.
No. Mint goes much better with lamb.
It's made of concrete and steel, it's five metres high,
and cost £35,000, which is about 100,000 bananas.
If bananas were money, that would make a lot of monkeys very happy.
If we had to use bananas as money,
it wouldn't be that good because you'd put them in the back pocket of
your jeans and if you sat on them your pants would be all banana-y.
The cash tills would be all mushy, black and yellow and stuff.
When you put your bananas in the banana bank,
you could never get it out because the skin would just rot.
The monkeys would be having the time of their life.
They'd be raising up so much more money they'd take over the world.
If you get a banana with three monkey hairs on it,
that's £1 million.
# Come on, everybody, do the twisted spire
# It's the latest dance craze from Derbyshire
# All you got to do is lean and twist
# It's a crazy little number and it goes like this
# Do the twisted spire Keep your feet on the ground
# Do the twisted spire Turn your body halfway round
# Do the twisted spire The next bit's the best
# Do the twisted spire Gently lean to the south-west
# It was built around the time of the Black Death
# And there weren't very many skilled craftsmen left
# It only leans over because they weren't any good
# They used the wrong kind of bending wood
# Here's some information that will make your jaw drop
# The spire is literally just plonked on the top
# The tower and the spire are not fixed together
# Fingers crossed they don't get any windy weather
# Do you twisted spire
# Feet on the ground
# Do the twisted spire
# Body halfway round
# Do the twisted spire
# Lean over a bit
# Do the twisted spire Everyone's doing it.
# Local legend has it that what really caused the lean
# Was the most beautiful maiden the spire had ever seen
# It twisted and it turned to get a better view
# It would probably straighten up if it claps eyes on you
# It's known around the world as the crooked spire
# And it's even survived a terrible fire
# Some believe the twist was a deliberate design
# So come on, everybody, one more time
# Do the twisted spire Feet on the ground
# Do the twisted spire Body halfway round
# Do the twisted spire Lean over a bit
# Do the twisted spire Everyone's doing it
# Do the twisted spire
# The greatest dance there's ever been
# Do the twisted spire Just twist and lean
# Do the twisted spire Let me hear you shout
-# Do the twisted spire
-Oh, I've put my back out. #
Ed, you know how much you like extreme sports?
-You know how you like bowling?
You are going to love road bowling.
Road bowling, how does that work?
I have no idea.
Fear not, Holly and Ed,
you are about to find out all about road bowling.
So now you know all about road bowling,
the two of you have to compete against each other.
We've got a chance to have a few technique lessons from Carly here,
who's the under-18 champion.
I hear a lot of it is in the wrist.
-How do I spin it so I can take corners and things?
-Flick your wrist.
Like turning a handle?
Yes, exactly. Just flick it as you let it out of your hand,
but not too much because you don't want to throw it completely.
That will get it round corners?
It should when you let it go.
-Just throw at a normal pace?
-You need to slow down.
OK. Much gentler.
-What about the jumping?
-You can turn your body a wee bit.
Turn my body a wee bit?
It's like I'm doing really bad ballet at the moment.
-You can take your arm back and then jump.
Better, better. Just remember to keep moving afterwards.
You'll get a lot more power behind it.
How's this, Carly?
Carly's too polite to say, but I'm not.
Ed, that's just embarrassing.
What are the chances of me winning this first time?
Well, against Ed, your technique's good,
so remember what I said and you won't have too much competition.
IMITATES JOHN ANDERSON: Contenders, are you ready?
In the blue corner...
In the pink corner...
Let's road bowl!
Here goes the Tarmac Terror with his first shot. Oh!
Quite pleased with that.
We've got to get it as far as you can before it goes off the road
into the verge, and mine went into the verge quite far down.
-Did you see how far mine went?
-A long way.
-I've been training for literally hours for this.
Here goes the Ditch Dodger with her first shot.
Can she get it past the third tree on the right?
It's a good one. It's got a lot of length.
Pretty even actually. Pretty even.
To mark your place they grab a big lump of turf
and throw it on the road. That's where mine landed.
Apparently Holly's got to go first because she's just behind by a nose.
Holly's second shot. You go, girl. Go. Go. Go.
Another long one.
-It's still going.
I gave it a bit of spin and it came back.
Oh, Ed's second shot.
It doesn't look as far as Holly's.
-What we need is someone official to help judge.
-This is Dominic.
Give us a twirl to show who you are.
A referee! How are we doing?
You've done well.
That first shot was good but the second two weren't so good.
Holly's took the lead on the second.
-This is where my spin skills come into play.
This is where my spin skills come into play.
Sorry, I can't hear you from over here. I'm too far in front of you.
Ed's behind so he gets to take his third shot before Holly.
Not enough twist.
-Not enough twist on it.
So conditions have got suddenly worse.
I hope this doesn't have an impact on my bowling.
Get it in, Holly.
My number one fan.
Don't let your new boyfriend put you off. Get in that third shot, Holly.
Lovely! Look at that, it's going right round the corner.
Wow, I've got to the hill.
-I've got to say that's a pretty amazing shot.
-I'm a natural!
I'm not sure I've terrorised the tarmac
quite as much as I was hoping.
Keep going, little ball.
You can win this for me.
I can't even see Ed now.
Holly and the ball are still rolling apparently.
She's downhill now so I'm very pleased for her.
It's still going.
It won't be stopped.
That's from a professional. It won't be stopped.
Here comes Ed. This is his fourth shot,
but is it even going to pass where Holly's third shot landed?
Does that still count? Is it still going?
It's still going. Yes, it is.
I'm considerably in the lead.
I still have to overtake Ed, so there's a lot to play for.
Technically you're not in the lead, are you?
You've had your last shot. I'm a shot ahead.
Technically at the moment I'm in the lead because I'm in front of you.
-You're a shot behind.
-The last bowl of the match.
All I have to do is get it to where that guy is in the middle of the road.
If I can get it past him, I have won.
All to play for on this final shot.
It's a long run-up.
Yes, it's there! Well done, Holly.
The Ditch Dodger rules!
I thought I had you for a moment.
I am totally... Thank you.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have done this, and your top tips.
Thank you very much.
Anyone want to shake my hand?
-Hard luck, yeah.
Don't you love it when Ed loses with such good grace? Not!
We've been all over the place!
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