Scary Castles, Teapots and Onion Eating! All Over the Place

Fancy a whistle stop tour of the UK with CBBC mates?

Stay tuned as Holly and Ed play in a toilet.

Dick and Dom predict the future.

Johnny runs for his train.

And Ed makes Iain cry "shallot"!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

-# But it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

It must be round here somewhere.

It's not in there.

All I know is it's pretty tiny. Could they keep it in there?

Don't be ridiculous, they wouldn't put one in a toilet!

Oh, here it is.

The Theatre Of Small Convenience.

You're right, it is miniscule.

And nothing looks bog standard here.

-You must be Dennis.

-I am, nice to meet you.

How are you doing?

Who created all this?

Most of the woodwork is done by me from old furniture.

Table legs, an old window blind I bought in a sale.

Did they build a tiny theatre because they got the scale wrong on the plan?

-Or was this building something else?

-It was a gentlemen's toilet.

-It was a gentlemen's toilet?

-Yes.

I've never been in a gentlemen's toilet.

-Is this what they all look like?

-They're not all like this.

So, Dennis, how many people did you say you could fit in here?

-We're licensed for 12.

-12?!

-Yes.

We could get more than that, couldn't we?

-We could get 400 in here.

-Yes.

-Let's have a go.

-Back in a sec.

-Let's go.

-Come on, fill it up.

Under there, go on.

In you come, stay there.

Any room for this one?

We have got loads of people in here.

-I don't know what Dennis was talking about.

-Are you having fun?

ALL: We can't see!

I guess Dennis was right, you can only fit 12 people in here.

-We'll stay and let's have ten people with us.

-The rest of you get out!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

This is perfect, let's watch the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, take your toilet seats,

the performance is about to begin.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore fart thou, Romeo?

Juliet, my dear, I am trumping right here.

HE COUGHS

Your sweet perfume still lingers in the air.

SHE COUGHS That is your unmistakeable fragrance.

I forget how small these toilets are sometimes.

Juliet, I must leave this lovelorn lavvy.

I have been banished for a fight with your cousin

And let's face it, it stinks in here.

Well, reach down and hold my trembling hand.

There's nothing I'd like more... if only you had washed them first.

I could just wipe them on my dress, is that OK?

Well, then, climb aboard my lavatory and give me one last lingering kiss.

I don't mean to be awkward, but I'd have to put my foot into the bowl,

-and even I'm not going that far.

-I suppose it is quite disgusting.

What am I to do? My love has been banished from our loo.

I know! I'll drink a potion that will give me the appearance of being dead.

Either that or it will kill me.

I mean, it is toilet cleaner, it's very poisonous.

HE WEEPS LOUDLY Oh Juliet, my love.

I cannot live without her.

I shall join her!

I shall join...her.

Argh-h-h-h!

APPLAUSE

Bravo, bravo.

Oh, bravo.

Man, it's got to be around here somewhere.

The man said the end of the pier is the best place to fish in Southend.

-He said you can't miss it.

-We've been looking for ages.

All I can see is this big, long bridge.

Hang on, that's not a bridge.

It's a long way to walk to the end of the pier and back.

Ed and Johnny, you have 45 seconds to find out

as many facts as you can about Southend Pier

Ed, you have pier expert, Peggy.

Johnny, you have Southender, Trevor.

Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.

The loser has to walk back the whole length of the pier.

Three, two, one, go!

Hello, Peggy, I'm Ed and I have loads of questions about the pier.

-Ready?

-Yes.

-How long is it?

-A mile and a third.

-Has the pier had any other names?

-It's always been Southend Pier.

-What's it made out of?

-Iron, steel...

-When was it built?

-Is was built... This pier, this one here was built

in...1889.

-Have there been any accidents on it?

-Yes, many.

-What sort of accidents?

-Boats going through.

-Boats went through it, OK.

-Fire.

-A fire?

-How many times has it been on fire?

-I don't know how many times.

Quite a few times, about four times.

-When was the first fire?

-1890.

-When was the second fire?

-Ooh, 1959.

-When was the third fire?

-1976.

When was the last time it was on fire?

You've got me there, Peggy knows.

There was another one in 2005.

OOH!

Put it there, Trev.

Remember, the loser has to walk back.

So, the winner is...

-..Ed.

-Yeah!

That is a fix. No way.

Pitts versus Petrie, man against machine on Southend Pier.

Over two kilometres, here we go!

Oh, he's got a head start.

Maybe I was a bit overconfident about this.

Oh, there he is, there he is.

Whoo-hoo!

Keep going, Johnny!

Oh dear, I can see his pants.

No-one on Southend wants to see that.

Look, at his face, he's really straining.

He's actually keeping up with us!

Oh, he was doing so well. Oh.

Come on! Come on!

I don't believe it! He's caught up with us. Oh no!

This stupid thing. How old's this train?!

Oh, I don't believe it.

Did you see his face?

Oh! Hey!

Ah, I've won and I'm not even out of breath.

I'd never been to Southend before, it's great.

The only thing missing is a good old-fashioned Punch And Judy show.

-Give it back here, that's my sausage.

-No!

-No, they're mine.

-They're my sausages.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hold on one minute.

Let's get this into perspective.

We're a married couple, right?

We share the same house.

We share the same sausage bill,

yet we are fighting over a bunch of sausages.

-What's that about?

-Yes, oh, I suppose you're right.

-Plus we've got more important things to worry about.

-Like what?

We share the house with a crocodile.

Oh no, don't bring me into this.

Hello, hello, hello.

And then, you see, there's police harassment.

This isn't harassment.

Neither of us let you in and you are in our house, what's that about?

-Ahem. I heard a disturbance.

-No, you didn't.

Yes, I did. Something about a crocodile.

So you're telling me they sent a policeman to deal with

a wild amphibious animal?

Well, the animal squad were busy.

Let's see how you deal with this.

-Go on, go on.

-That's the way to do it.

That's my line.

I said it first so it's my line.

-Get in.

-That's the way to do it.

Punch always says "That's the way to do it", leave it to me.

-That's the way to do it.

-No, that's the way to do it.

-That's the way to do it.

-No, get off.

Why have we come to Chillingham Castle in Northumberland?

Because I want to play a little game.

-Ed, guess what vegetable I'm thinking of?

-What?

Guess what vegetable I'm thinking of.

-I don't know. Cabbage?

-No, it was a parsnip.

OK, cos you lost you're the servant and I'm the master for the day.

-Come on, let's go.

-Hang on, I didn't agree to play this game.

Come on, servant.

Here we are!

Welcome to my castle!

Right, Ed, as my servant I demand that you wear this hat.

And that you hop for me. Hop, servant, hop.

Come on, servant, hop, hop.

Welcome to the great hall!

-Can I stop hopping, please?

-Yes, stop.

And now start again.

And you can stop.

So, look, it's incredible.

You've got loads of spears, there's an elephant,

there's even a fireplace which makes it a very romantic setting.

I'm very peckish, have you got anything for me to eat?

-There's some fruit there.

-I don't want it. Make me a spit roast.

And you can moonwalk out as well!

-Is this historically accurate, the moonwalk?

-Get out!

SHE SIGHS

STRANGE SCREECHING

What was that?

Ed, Ed. I think there might be somebody else in this castle as well.

I'm going to look in the other rooms. Go on, make it!

Right, that's it, I'm fed up of answering to your every whim.

But that's the whole point of the game of master servant.

SCREECHING

(Did you hear that?)

Yeah.

It came from in here.

DOOR CREAKS

What is this place?

What is this place?

I just said that.

What is this, some sort of massage bed?

No, this is the rack.

-What does that mean?

-They put you on here,

tie ropes to your hands and legs and then stretch you out.

Great, I'm quite short, this is a good way of getting taller.

You're better off just eating your vegetables.

This is more like it,

if you have a castle, you might as well get a Jacuzzi.

-Nice hot bath.

-Yeah, I think they filled it with boiling oil.

-Boiling oil.

-Yeah.

-Oh.

You see what this seat needs is a big cushion.

Because then you'd be all right.

You're missing the entire point of a torture chamber.

Hello and welcome to How To Look Good Tortured.

First up, we have this little number.

We'll slip you in there, it has a hinged front,

so whilst you're being interrogated we close the door gently,

there are spikes inside there.

If you don't tell us what we need to know, they pierce your skin.

Everyone's going to be wearing them in 2012.

Are you with me, girl? Whoo!

I think this could be more up your street

it's very neo-Gothic.

One for the girls.

Girls who like to gossip that is, and we all like a gossip, don't we?

If you've been talking too much,

you get your tongue pulled out there and connected to this.

It really makes a statement.

And that statement is - mm-nn-mm-nn, urgh.

This will compliment your eyes, especially when they start watering.

It's a classic design, slip your thumbs under there, lower it.

It's a vice and it will crush your thumbs and maybe your toes!

So, Holly, how do you think you'd like to look good tortured?

Um, I think I'll choose the...

-Scold's Bridle.

-Oh, a very good choice. Go, girlfriend! Woo!

Now, er, I think we better all close our eyes.

SCREAMING

-What musical are we going to watch?

-I don't want to watch a musical.

-Come on, we're in Oxford.

-Oxford's hardly Broadway.

It's home to the oldest concert hall in Europe.

The Holywell Music Room opened in 1742.

-Ah, can you smell that? The sound of music.

-Ed...

You can't smell music and music's pointless, anyway.

Why sing something when you can just say it?

Well, cos... # Life is a cabaret... #

Ed, you've got to stop! Stop, all right!

The thought of living my life in a musical, it fills me with dread.

# Mamma mia, here I go again... # What?

When you woke up, if you lived in a musical

it would be like... # Can I have my breakfast now?

# Can I have toast and butter? #

Then when you got to school it would be worse. It would be like...

OK, children, what is 100 x 100?

# Is it 100,000?

# No! #

If the police were trying to catch criminals what would they do?

# You should be arrested-ed-ed

# You should be taken to jail. #

Sorry, that's me. I can't live in a musical world.

Do you collect anything musical? How about musical notes?

# Do, re, mi, far, so, la, ti... #

THEY LAUGH

-Fancy a cuppa?

-Do I!

-OH! Oh, no. Oh, dear.

-You broke it.

Yes. Grrr.

It's coincidental it's in front of the UK's biggest

collection of teapots with it's own teapot hospital?

Yes.

Ah, Sue, am I pleased to see you. We've had an accident.

I say accident, Ed deliberately broke the handle off this teapot

in order to visit you.

Is there anything you can do? Please, Sue. It means the world to me.

HOLLY SOBS

Is there anything you can do for her?

It's definitely got a fractured handle,

but nothing that a visit to the hospital won't fix.

Oh, wow! Look at all these teapots. Leaves you breathless.

Get it? Tea leaves? Never mind.

There really is a category for everything. Christmas,

famous people...

Even houses. I didn't think people could fit into teapots,

but apparently they live in them.

..animals, transport...

She even collects memorabilia. Tea caddies, tea towels, everything.

here she's got elephants and dragons, all the bigger animals.

Weird stuff!

I reckon it's time for a game show.

Yes, it's everyone's favourite game show, it's...

You've got to guess the prices of these delightful teapots.

Starting with this one.

I'm going to go for £2.

No, it's between 25 and £74.

Now, do you think the next teapot

is higher or lower than this guide price?

I'm going to go lower.

No! You're wrong.

Number three.

-What do you think? Higher or lower?

-Higher!

She's right, you know!

OK, number four, here.

What's it going to be? Higher or lower?

-Lower.

-Lower?

Well done!

-Yes!

-This is a piece of old rubbish.

OK, number five.

-Higher!

-She thinks higher.

Let's see...

-It's higher!

-Yay!

-Well done, Holly.

Your prize is you get to give Sue a thank you present.

So, Sue, it's an All Over The Place teapot, which we thought you'd like.

-Thank you.

-You haven't got one, have you?

-No, we haven't.

Thank you very much.

-Now, can we get a cup of coffee?

-No.

Oh.

Ask for a coffee again and I predict you're going to be in hot water.

Fortunes, fortunes, come and get your fortunes told.

-Do you read fortunes?

-No, go away.

-Sorry.

-I'm only joking. Come and sit down.

Right, what do you want? We've got crystal balls,

card reading, mind reading or internet-based research.

-Tea leaves?

-Yeah, all right. Cross me palm with silver.

A bit more.

More than that!

Oi! It doesn't have to be just coins. You can use notes.

Good, right, here you go.

Urgh! It's cold.

It's your fault for being late. Give it here.

Ooh, yes. Ooh-hoo, yes, yes. What's your name?

-Ian.

-Correct.

Right, mystical tea that's now gone cold, what does Ian's future hold?

-Argh!

-What?

Just remembered I left the iron on. Right, back to the tea leaves.

Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know any men?

-Yeah, I know plenty.

-All right, name one.

-Er, Ted.

-That's him! Stood with his wife, Theresa.

His wife's called Anne.

All right, Anne. Yes, oh, yes. OK, I'll tell him, Anne.

You've got to be very careful of...

-dangerous animals that could eat you.

-Really?

Yes! Be very careful of them. There's tigers, there's bears,

there's woolly badgers, there's furry mammoths...

-Where we going to find one of them round here?

-Oh! There's one.

-There's nothing there.

-No.

Back to the tea leaves. Oooh!

-Avoid cheese.

-Cheese? Why have I got to avoid cheese?

Erm, in case you're lactose intolerant.

-Right, give me my money back.

-No!

Ted and Anne said that's a bad idea.

-Give me my money.

-Ted and Anne said you're very tight fisted

-and narrow minded.

-Whatever.

GROWLING AND SCREAMING

-Anne?

-'He didn't see that coming, did he?'

Shut up, Anne!

# The Isle Of Wight It has eight wonders

# Yes it does It has eight wonders

# A lake where there is no water

# Needles that you cannot thread

# Cows that you cannot milk

# A ride where you walk instead

# Fresh water you cannot drink

# New Town which is old indeed

# New Port that you cannot bottle

# And there are no winkles on Winkle Street

# The Isle Of Wight

# It has eight wonders

# Yes it does

# It has eight wonders

HE RAPS You're probably thinking this all sounds absurd

But the wonders of the Isle Of Wight is just a play on words

The postcard maker is the man to blame

He took the literal meanings of the names, let me explain

-#

-Lake!

-When you hear the word lake

# The first thing that you thought of

# Was not the name of a town on the island

# But a body of water

-#

-Needles!

-You would commonly associate with thread

# But The Needles is a rock formation off the west of the island instead

-#

-Cowes!

-When you think of cows

# You picture animals that moo

# But it's also the name of the island's port

# It's a play on words too

-#

-Ryde!

-Is the name of the biggest town

# By the seaside with a pier

# It's got nothing to do with going for a ride

# Am I making myself clear?

# The Isle Of Wight

# It has eight wonders

# Yes it does

# It has eight wonders

-HE RAPS

-Freshwater!

-Drink this and your stomach will go faulty

It's the name of a beach and the sea water is salty

-Newtown!

-Been there for years, you dunce

Although, to be fair it must have been new once

-Newport!

-Port is a drink often goes with cheese

But you can't bottle a town Think about it, please

-Winkle Street!

-Are there winkles there?

No, they're stretching that a bit to be fair

# The Isle Of Wight

# It has eight wonders

# Yes it does

# It has eight wonders

-# One more time

-Lake!

# Where there is no water

-#

-Needles!

-That you cannot thread

-#

-Cowes!

-That you cannot milk

-#

-Ryde!

-Where you walk instead

-#

-Freshwater!

-That you cannot drink

-#

-Newtown!

-Is very old indeed

-#

-Newport!

-That you cannot bottle

# And there are no winkles on Winkle Street. #

Not that you'd expect there to be any, I mean, I live on Monkey Avenue.

Don't expect to see any monkeys.

Except for the one at number 23.

# It has eight wonders. #

I'm not crying. My eyes are just watering.

Also known as crying, last time I checked.

It's cos I'm preparing all these onions.

For the onion eating contest we're entering.

We believe you, Iain, really we do,

Now, if you know your onions, I don't need to tell you that...

The fayre features all things oniony.

Iain! Iain! Look what I've found here!

-Security!

-Who let the tomatoes in here?

We've got tomatoes in here!

Ed and Iain are not going to win by juggling onions.

-Wow, are those heavy, Iain?

-Yes, they are, Ed.

They weight a tonne-ion.

BELL CHIMES

It's funny, I'm so relaxed about this contest.

I've never felt more indifferent about anything in my entire life.

It's good, that, cos you won't be upset when I beat you.

-Huh?

-When I beat you... in the whole onion eating thing.

You're...not going to beat me though, are you, so...

-I think I am.

-You're not though cos, look, you see this strawberry?

-Yeah.

-Quite big, isn't it?

Quite.

Not really. I can do that. Anyone can eat a strawberry.

-How quick? Oh, well... Oh.

-I just ate two.

Well, er, raspberry... Nom, nom, nom...

I just ate three!

Oh, I love it!

Have it. Look!

Well, I can eat a runner bean faster.

Do it all the time in my family.

All gone, you see! All gone. Beaten you. Bring on the onions.

-You know what? You see this peach?

-Yeah.

-Peach tree.

-All right, you see this pineapple?

-I'm on fire!

THEY GROAN AND GROWL

Took that a bit far. Ow. Ow.

Right I better...

-You think you can beat me in the competition?

-I know I can beat you.

Well, let's take this to the stage.

No fruit was harmed during the making of this film.

We paid for the fruit, we promise.

Oh, he's taken the smallest one.

The strongest one, he's got.

Oh, they're not really going to do this?

I think they are.

..two, one, go!

Urgh. Look at his face! Look at his face already.

'Judges, are you watching?'

-LAUGHING

-Look at Ed!

Oh, disgusting.

Winner, at the end.

That's the winner.

I'm still going to take you down, Shirley.

No, you can't do it.

He's absolutely determined to finish his onion.

I can do this!

-Stop eating the onion!

-I'm going to beat you.

ED SCREAMS

CROWD: Eat it, Ed.

Yeah, go on. Oh, look at him. His eyes are watering, he's... Oh!

Look at his eyes!

Yeah, I'm going to do it!

I'm going to do it!

CHEERING

They're cheering me, Iain.

They're cheered now, they won't be when your sick over them.

Give that chin a bit of a wipe.

Eat it, eat it. Go on, Ed.

Yay!

Anyone else feeling a bit sick?

Look at his face! You're actually crying.

This is the worse thing I've ever done.

It's the best thing I've ever done. The glory, the glory!

The crowd cheering my name.

The dribble all down my chin.

Well done, lads.

I've never been nearly sick in such a small space of time.

-I think I was nearly sick about eight times.

-I need water. I need to leave.

-Thank you for having me.

-Yes!

Well, Adam, you were the compere.

How long did it actually take me to eat that onion?

Well, the winning gent did it in 59 seconds,...

-Wow, fast.

-How?

but it took you three minutes and 16 seconds.

And, er, go on, Adam,

how long did it take me?

I'm afraid you didn't finish.

Oh.

So, Ed, congratulations. You are the winner

and there's your award.

Ah, victory!

The sweet smell of success?

That's a shallot of nonsense.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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