Scary Castles, Teapots and Onion Eating! All Over the Place


Scary Castles, Teapots and Onion Eating!

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Fancy a whistle stop tour of the UK with CBBC mates?

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Stay tuned as Holly and Ed play in a toilet.

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Dick and Dom predict the future.

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Johnny runs for his train.

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And Ed makes Iain cry "shallot"!

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# All over the place

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# All over the place

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# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

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# Me and my mates, all over the place!

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# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

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# Whatever we do is strange but true!

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# All over the place

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# All over the place

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# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

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-# But it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

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It must be round here somewhere.

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It's not in there.

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All I know is it's pretty tiny. Could they keep it in there?

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Don't be ridiculous, they wouldn't put one in a toilet!

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Oh, here it is.

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The Theatre Of Small Convenience.

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You're right, it is miniscule.

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And nothing looks bog standard here.

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-You must be Dennis.

-I am, nice to meet you.

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How are you doing?

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Who created all this?

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Most of the woodwork is done by me from old furniture.

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Table legs, an old window blind I bought in a sale.

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Did they build a tiny theatre because they got the scale wrong on the plan?

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-Or was this building something else?

-It was a gentlemen's toilet.

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-It was a gentlemen's toilet?

-Yes.

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I've never been in a gentlemen's toilet.

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-Is this what they all look like?

-They're not all like this.

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So, Dennis, how many people did you say you could fit in here?

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-We're licensed for 12.

-12?!

-Yes.

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We could get more than that, couldn't we?

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-We could get 400 in here.

-Yes.

-Let's have a go.

-Back in a sec.

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-Let's go.

-Come on, fill it up.

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Under there, go on.

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In you come, stay there.

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Any room for this one?

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We have got loads of people in here.

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-I don't know what Dennis was talking about.

-Are you having fun?

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ALL: We can't see!

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I guess Dennis was right, you can only fit 12 people in here.

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-We'll stay and let's have ten people with us.

-The rest of you get out!

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1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

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This is perfect, let's watch the show.

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Ladies and gentlemen, take your toilet seats,

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the performance is about to begin.

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Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore fart thou, Romeo?

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Juliet, my dear, I am trumping right here.

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HE COUGHS

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Your sweet perfume still lingers in the air.

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SHE COUGHS That is your unmistakeable fragrance.

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I forget how small these toilets are sometimes.

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Juliet, I must leave this lovelorn lavvy.

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I have been banished for a fight with your cousin

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And let's face it, it stinks in here.

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Well, reach down and hold my trembling hand.

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There's nothing I'd like more... if only you had washed them first.

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I could just wipe them on my dress, is that OK?

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Well, then, climb aboard my lavatory and give me one last lingering kiss.

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I don't mean to be awkward, but I'd have to put my foot into the bowl,

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-and even I'm not going that far.

-I suppose it is quite disgusting.

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What am I to do? My love has been banished from our loo.

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I know! I'll drink a potion that will give me the appearance of being dead.

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Either that or it will kill me.

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I mean, it is toilet cleaner, it's very poisonous.

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HE WEEPS LOUDLY Oh Juliet, my love.

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I cannot live without her.

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I shall join her!

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I shall join...her.

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Argh-h-h-h!

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APPLAUSE

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Bravo, bravo.

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Oh, bravo.

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Man, it's got to be around here somewhere.

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The man said the end of the pier is the best place to fish in Southend.

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-He said you can't miss it.

-We've been looking for ages.

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All I can see is this big, long bridge.

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Hang on, that's not a bridge.

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It's a long way to walk to the end of the pier and back.

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Ed and Johnny, you have 45 seconds to find out

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as many facts as you can about Southend Pier

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Ed, you have pier expert, Peggy.

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Johnny, you have Southender, Trevor.

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Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.

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The loser has to walk back the whole length of the pier.

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Three, two, one, go!

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Hello, Peggy, I'm Ed and I have loads of questions about the pier.

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-Ready?

-Yes.

-How long is it?

-A mile and a third.

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-Has the pier had any other names?

-It's always been Southend Pier.

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-What's it made out of?

-Iron, steel...

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-When was it built?

-Is was built... This pier, this one here was built

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in...1889.

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-Have there been any accidents on it?

-Yes, many.

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-What sort of accidents?

-Boats going through.

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-Boats went through it, OK.

-Fire.

-A fire?

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-How many times has it been on fire?

-I don't know how many times.

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Quite a few times, about four times.

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-When was the first fire?

-1890.

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-When was the second fire?

-Ooh, 1959.

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-When was the third fire?

-1976.

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When was the last time it was on fire?

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You've got me there, Peggy knows.

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There was another one in 2005.

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OOH!

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Put it there, Trev.

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Remember, the loser has to walk back.

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So, the winner is...

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-..Ed.

-Yeah!

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That is a fix. No way.

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Pitts versus Petrie, man against machine on Southend Pier.

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Over two kilometres, here we go!

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Oh, he's got a head start.

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Maybe I was a bit overconfident about this.

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Oh, there he is, there he is.

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Whoo-hoo!

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Keep going, Johnny!

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Oh dear, I can see his pants.

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No-one on Southend wants to see that.

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Look, at his face, he's really straining.

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He's actually keeping up with us!

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Oh, he was doing so well. Oh.

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Come on! Come on!

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I don't believe it! He's caught up with us. Oh no!

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This stupid thing. How old's this train?!

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Oh, I don't believe it.

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Did you see his face?

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Oh! Hey!

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Ah, I've won and I'm not even out of breath.

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I'd never been to Southend before, it's great.

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The only thing missing is a good old-fashioned Punch And Judy show.

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-Give it back here, that's my sausage.

-No!

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-No, they're mine.

-They're my sausages.

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Hang on, hang on, hang on, hold on one minute.

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Let's get this into perspective.

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We're a married couple, right?

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We share the same house.

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We share the same sausage bill,

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yet we are fighting over a bunch of sausages.

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-What's that about?

-Yes, oh, I suppose you're right.

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-Plus we've got more important things to worry about.

-Like what?

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We share the house with a crocodile.

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Oh no, don't bring me into this.

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Hello, hello, hello.

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And then, you see, there's police harassment.

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This isn't harassment.

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Neither of us let you in and you are in our house, what's that about?

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-Ahem. I heard a disturbance.

-No, you didn't.

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Yes, I did. Something about a crocodile.

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So you're telling me they sent a policeman to deal with

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a wild amphibious animal?

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Well, the animal squad were busy.

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Let's see how you deal with this.

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-Go on, go on.

-That's the way to do it.

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That's my line.

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I said it first so it's my line.

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-Get in.

-That's the way to do it.

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Punch always says "That's the way to do it", leave it to me.

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-That's the way to do it.

-No, that's the way to do it.

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-That's the way to do it.

-No, get off.

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Why have we come to Chillingham Castle in Northumberland?

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Because I want to play a little game.

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-Ed, guess what vegetable I'm thinking of?

-What?

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Guess what vegetable I'm thinking of.

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-I don't know. Cabbage?

-No, it was a parsnip.

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OK, cos you lost you're the servant and I'm the master for the day.

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-Come on, let's go.

-Hang on, I didn't agree to play this game.

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Come on, servant.

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Here we are!

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Welcome to my castle!

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Right, Ed, as my servant I demand that you wear this hat.

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And that you hop for me. Hop, servant, hop.

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Come on, servant, hop, hop.

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Welcome to the great hall!

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-Can I stop hopping, please?

-Yes, stop.

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And now start again.

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And you can stop.

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So, look, it's incredible.

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You've got loads of spears, there's an elephant,

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there's even a fireplace which makes it a very romantic setting.

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I'm very peckish, have you got anything for me to eat?

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-There's some fruit there.

-I don't want it. Make me a spit roast.

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And you can moonwalk out as well!

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-Is this historically accurate, the moonwalk?

-Get out!

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SHE SIGHS

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STRANGE SCREECHING

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What was that?

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Ed, Ed. I think there might be somebody else in this castle as well.

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I'm going to look in the other rooms. Go on, make it!

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Right, that's it, I'm fed up of answering to your every whim.

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But that's the whole point of the game of master servant.

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SCREECHING

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(Did you hear that?)

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Yeah.

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It came from in here.

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DOOR CREAKS

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What is this place?

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What is this place?

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I just said that.

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What is this, some sort of massage bed?

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No, this is the rack.

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-What does that mean?

-They put you on here,

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tie ropes to your hands and legs and then stretch you out.

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Great, I'm quite short, this is a good way of getting taller.

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You're better off just eating your vegetables.

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This is more like it,

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if you have a castle, you might as well get a Jacuzzi.

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-Nice hot bath.

-Yeah, I think they filled it with boiling oil.

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-Boiling oil.

-Yeah.

-Oh.

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You see what this seat needs is a big cushion.

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Because then you'd be all right.

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You're missing the entire point of a torture chamber.

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Hello and welcome to How To Look Good Tortured.

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First up, we have this little number.

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We'll slip you in there, it has a hinged front,

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so whilst you're being interrogated we close the door gently,

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there are spikes inside there.

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If you don't tell us what we need to know, they pierce your skin.

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Everyone's going to be wearing them in 2012.

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Are you with me, girl? Whoo!

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I think this could be more up your street

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it's very neo-Gothic.

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One for the girls.

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Girls who like to gossip that is, and we all like a gossip, don't we?

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If you've been talking too much,

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you get your tongue pulled out there and connected to this.

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It really makes a statement.

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And that statement is - mm-nn-mm-nn, urgh.

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This will compliment your eyes, especially when they start watering.

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It's a classic design, slip your thumbs under there, lower it.

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It's a vice and it will crush your thumbs and maybe your toes!

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So, Holly, how do you think you'd like to look good tortured?

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Um, I think I'll choose the...

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-Scold's Bridle.

-Oh, a very good choice. Go, girlfriend! Woo!

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Now, er, I think we better all close our eyes.

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SCREAMING

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-What musical are we going to watch?

-I don't want to watch a musical.

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-Come on, we're in Oxford.

-Oxford's hardly Broadway.

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It's home to the oldest concert hall in Europe.

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The Holywell Music Room opened in 1742.

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-Ah, can you smell that? The sound of music.

-Ed...

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You can't smell music and music's pointless, anyway.

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Why sing something when you can just say it?

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Well, cos... # Life is a cabaret... #

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Ed, you've got to stop! Stop, all right!

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The thought of living my life in a musical, it fills me with dread.

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# Mamma mia, here I go again... # What?

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When you woke up, if you lived in a musical

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it would be like... # Can I have my breakfast now?

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# Can I have toast and butter? #

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Then when you got to school it would be worse. It would be like...

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OK, children, what is 100 x 100?

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# Is it 100,000?

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# No! #

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If the police were trying to catch criminals what would they do?

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# You should be arrested-ed-ed

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# You should be taken to jail. #

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Sorry, that's me. I can't live in a musical world.

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Do you collect anything musical? How about musical notes?

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# Do, re, mi, far, so, la, ti... #

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THEY LAUGH

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-Fancy a cuppa?

-Do I!

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-OH! Oh, no. Oh, dear.

-You broke it.

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Yes. Grrr.

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It's coincidental it's in front of the UK's biggest

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collection of teapots with it's own teapot hospital?

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Yes.

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Ah, Sue, am I pleased to see you. We've had an accident.

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I say accident, Ed deliberately broke the handle off this teapot

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in order to visit you.

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Is there anything you can do? Please, Sue. It means the world to me.

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HOLLY SOBS

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Is there anything you can do for her?

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It's definitely got a fractured handle,

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but nothing that a visit to the hospital won't fix.

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Oh, wow! Look at all these teapots. Leaves you breathless.

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Get it? Tea leaves? Never mind.

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There really is a category for everything. Christmas,

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famous people...

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Even houses. I didn't think people could fit into teapots,

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but apparently they live in them.

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..animals, transport...

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She even collects memorabilia. Tea caddies, tea towels, everything.

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here she's got elephants and dragons, all the bigger animals.

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Weird stuff!

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I reckon it's time for a game show.

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Yes, it's everyone's favourite game show, it's...

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You've got to guess the prices of these delightful teapots.

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Starting with this one.

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I'm going to go for £2.

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No, it's between 25 and £74.

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Now, do you think the next teapot

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is higher or lower than this guide price?

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I'm going to go lower.

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No! You're wrong.

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Number three.

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-What do you think? Higher or lower?

-Higher!

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She's right, you know!

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OK, number four, here.

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What's it going to be? Higher or lower?

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-Lower.

-Lower?

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Well done!

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-Yes!

-This is a piece of old rubbish.

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OK, number five.

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-Higher!

-She thinks higher.

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Let's see...

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-It's higher!

-Yay!

-Well done, Holly.

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Your prize is you get to give Sue a thank you present.

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So, Sue, it's an All Over The Place teapot, which we thought you'd like.

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-Thank you.

-You haven't got one, have you?

-No, we haven't.

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Thank you very much.

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-Now, can we get a cup of coffee?

-No.

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Oh.

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Ask for a coffee again and I predict you're going to be in hot water.

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Fortunes, fortunes, come and get your fortunes told.

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-Do you read fortunes?

-No, go away.

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-Sorry.

-I'm only joking. Come and sit down.

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Right, what do you want? We've got crystal balls,

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card reading, mind reading or internet-based research.

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-Tea leaves?

-Yeah, all right. Cross me palm with silver.

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A bit more.

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More than that!

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Oi! It doesn't have to be just coins. You can use notes.

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Good, right, here you go.

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Urgh! It's cold.

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It's your fault for being late. Give it here.

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Ooh, yes. Ooh-hoo, yes, yes. What's your name?

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-Ian.

-Correct.

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Right, mystical tea that's now gone cold, what does Ian's future hold?

0:19:040:19:10

-Argh!

-What?

0:19:100:19:11

Just remembered I left the iron on. Right, back to the tea leaves.

0:19:110:19:15

Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know any men?

0:19:150:19:18

-Yeah, I know plenty.

-All right, name one.

0:19:180:19:20

-Er, Ted.

-That's him! Stood with his wife, Theresa.

0:19:200:19:23

His wife's called Anne.

0:19:230:19:25

All right, Anne. Yes, oh, yes. OK, I'll tell him, Anne.

0:19:250:19:28

You've got to be very careful of...

0:19:280:19:30

-dangerous animals that could eat you.

-Really?

0:19:300:19:33

Yes! Be very careful of them. There's tigers, there's bears,

0:19:330:19:37

there's woolly badgers, there's furry mammoths...

0:19:370:19:40

-Where we going to find one of them round here?

-Oh! There's one.

0:19:400:19:43

-There's nothing there.

-No.

0:19:430:19:45

Back to the tea leaves. Oooh!

0:19:450:19:47

-Avoid cheese.

-Cheese? Why have I got to avoid cheese?

0:19:470:19:49

Erm, in case you're lactose intolerant.

0:19:490:19:52

-Right, give me my money back.

-No!

0:19:520:19:54

Ted and Anne said that's a bad idea.

0:19:540:19:55

-Give me my money.

-Ted and Anne said you're very tight fisted

0:19:550:19:58

-and narrow minded.

-Whatever.

0:19:580:20:00

GROWLING AND SCREAMING

0:20:000:20:03

-Anne?

-'He didn't see that coming, did he?'

0:20:030:20:05

Shut up, Anne!

0:20:050:20:06

# The Isle Of Wight It has eight wonders

0:20:160:20:20

# Yes it does It has eight wonders

0:20:200:20:26

# A lake where there is no water

0:20:260:20:28

# Needles that you cannot thread

0:20:280:20:30

# Cows that you cannot milk

0:20:300:20:32

# A ride where you walk instead

0:20:320:20:34

# Fresh water you cannot drink

0:20:340:20:36

# New Town which is old indeed

0:20:360:20:39

# New Port that you cannot bottle

0:20:390:20:41

# And there are no winkles on Winkle Street

0:20:410:20:43

# The Isle Of Wight

0:20:430:20:44

# It has eight wonders

0:20:440:20:47

# Yes it does

0:20:470:20:49

# It has eight wonders

0:20:490:20:51

HE RAPS You're probably thinking this all sounds absurd

0:20:510:20:53

But the wonders of the Isle Of Wight is just a play on words

0:20:530:20:56

The postcard maker is the man to blame

0:20:560:20:58

He took the literal meanings of the names, let me explain

0:20:580:21:01

-#

-Lake!

-When you hear the word lake

0:21:010:21:02

# The first thing that you thought of

0:21:020:21:05

# Was not the name of a town on the island

0:21:050:21:07

# But a body of water

0:21:070:21:09

-#

-Needles!

-You would commonly associate with thread

0:21:090:21:13

# But The Needles is a rock formation off the west of the island instead

0:21:130:21:18

-#

-Cowes!

-When you think of cows

0:21:180:21:20

# You picture animals that moo

0:21:200:21:22

# But it's also the name of the island's port

0:21:220:21:25

# It's a play on words too

0:21:250:21:27

-#

-Ryde!

-Is the name of the biggest town

0:21:270:21:29

# By the seaside with a pier

0:21:290:21:31

# It's got nothing to do with going for a ride

0:21:310:21:33

# Am I making myself clear?

0:21:330:21:35

# The Isle Of Wight

0:21:350:21:37

# It has eight wonders

0:21:370:21:39

# Yes it does

0:21:390:21:41

# It has eight wonders

0:21:410:21:43

-HE RAPS

-Freshwater!

-Drink this and your stomach will go faulty

0:21:430:21:46

It's the name of a beach and the sea water is salty

0:21:460:21:48

-Newtown!

-Been there for years, you dunce

0:21:480:21:51

Although, to be fair it must have been new once

0:21:510:21:53

-Newport!

-Port is a drink often goes with cheese

0:21:530:21:55

But you can't bottle a town Think about it, please

0:21:550:21:57

-Winkle Street!

-Are there winkles there?

0:21:570:21:59

No, they're stretching that a bit to be fair

0:21:590:22:01

# The Isle Of Wight

0:22:010:22:03

# It has eight wonders

0:22:030:22:05

# Yes it does

0:22:050:22:07

# It has eight wonders

0:22:070:22:09

-# One more time

-Lake!

0:22:090:22:11

# Where there is no water

0:22:110:22:13

-#

-Needles!

-That you cannot thread

0:22:130:22:15

-#

-Cowes!

-That you cannot milk

0:22:150:22:16

-#

-Ryde!

-Where you walk instead

0:22:160:22:19

-#

-Freshwater!

-That you cannot drink

0:22:190:22:21

-#

-Newtown!

-Is very old indeed

0:22:210:22:23

-#

-Newport!

-That you cannot bottle

0:22:230:22:26

# And there are no winkles on Winkle Street. #

0:22:260:22:28

Not that you'd expect there to be any, I mean, I live on Monkey Avenue.

0:22:280:22:32

Don't expect to see any monkeys.

0:22:320:22:34

Except for the one at number 23.

0:22:340:22:36

# It has eight wonders. #

0:22:370:22:41

I'm not crying. My eyes are just watering.

0:22:500:22:53

Also known as crying, last time I checked.

0:22:530:22:55

It's cos I'm preparing all these onions.

0:22:550:22:57

For the onion eating contest we're entering.

0:22:570:23:00

We believe you, Iain, really we do,

0:23:000:23:02

Now, if you know your onions, I don't need to tell you that...

0:23:020:23:06

The fayre features all things oniony.

0:23:110:23:14

Iain! Iain! Look what I've found here!

0:23:180:23:21

-Security!

-Who let the tomatoes in here?

0:23:210:23:24

We've got tomatoes in here!

0:23:240:23:25

Ed and Iain are not going to win by juggling onions.

0:23:340:23:37

-Wow, are those heavy, Iain?

-Yes, they are, Ed.

0:23:470:23:49

They weight a tonne-ion.

0:23:490:23:52

BELL CHIMES

0:23:520:23:53

It's funny, I'm so relaxed about this contest.

0:23:580:24:00

I've never felt more indifferent about anything in my entire life.

0:24:000:24:04

It's good, that, cos you won't be upset when I beat you.

0:24:040:24:07

-Huh?

-When I beat you... in the whole onion eating thing.

0:24:070:24:10

You're...not going to beat me though, are you, so...

0:24:100:24:13

-I think I am.

-You're not though cos, look, you see this strawberry?

0:24:130:24:16

-Yeah.

-Quite big, isn't it?

0:24:160:24:18

Quite.

0:24:180:24:19

Not really. I can do that. Anyone can eat a strawberry.

0:24:190:24:22

-How quick? Oh, well... Oh.

-I just ate two.

0:24:220:24:26

Well, er, raspberry... Nom, nom, nom...

0:24:260:24:29

I just ate three!

0:24:310:24:32

Oh, I love it!

0:24:320:24:33

Have it. Look!

0:24:340:24:36

Well, I can eat a runner bean faster.

0:24:360:24:37

Do it all the time in my family.

0:24:370:24:40

All gone, you see! All gone. Beaten you. Bring on the onions.

0:24:440:24:47

-You know what? You see this peach?

-Yeah.

-Peach tree.

0:24:470:24:52

-All right, you see this pineapple?

-I'm on fire!

0:24:520:24:54

THEY GROAN AND GROWL

0:24:540:24:57

Took that a bit far. Ow. Ow.

0:24:570:24:58

Right I better...

0:24:580:25:00

-You think you can beat me in the competition?

-I know I can beat you.

0:25:000:25:03

Well, let's take this to the stage.

0:25:030:25:05

No fruit was harmed during the making of this film.

0:25:050:25:07

We paid for the fruit, we promise.

0:25:130:25:14

Oh, he's taken the smallest one.

0:25:140:25:17

The strongest one, he's got.

0:25:180:25:20

Oh, they're not really going to do this?

0:25:200:25:23

I think they are.

0:25:230:25:25

..two, one, go!

0:25:250:25:27

Urgh. Look at his face! Look at his face already.

0:25:290:25:32

'Judges, are you watching?'

0:25:350:25:37

-LAUGHING

-Look at Ed!

0:25:380:25:40

Oh, disgusting.

0:25:460:25:48

Winner, at the end.

0:25:480:25:49

That's the winner.

0:25:490:25:51

I'm still going to take you down, Shirley.

0:25:510:25:53

No, you can't do it.

0:25:530:25:55

He's absolutely determined to finish his onion.

0:25:560:25:59

I can do this!

0:26:000:26:01

-Stop eating the onion!

-I'm going to beat you.

0:26:010:26:04

ED SCREAMS

0:26:040:26:05

CROWD: Eat it, Ed.

0:26:050:26:06

Yeah, go on. Oh, look at him. His eyes are watering, he's... Oh!

0:26:060:26:10

Look at his eyes!

0:26:100:26:12

Yeah, I'm going to do it!

0:26:120:26:14

I'm going to do it!

0:26:140:26:15

CHEERING

0:26:150:26:18

They're cheering me, Iain.

0:26:180:26:19

They're cheered now, they won't be when your sick over them.

0:26:190:26:23

Give that chin a bit of a wipe.

0:26:230:26:24

Eat it, eat it. Go on, Ed.

0:26:240:26:27

Yay!

0:26:320:26:34

Anyone else feeling a bit sick?

0:26:350:26:38

Look at his face! You're actually crying.

0:26:380:26:41

This is the worse thing I've ever done.

0:26:410:26:43

It's the best thing I've ever done. The glory, the glory!

0:26:430:26:46

The crowd cheering my name.

0:26:460:26:48

The dribble all down my chin.

0:26:480:26:50

Well done, lads.

0:26:510:26:52

I've never been nearly sick in such a small space of time.

0:26:520:26:55

-I think I was nearly sick about eight times.

-I need water. I need to leave.

0:26:550:26:58

-Thank you for having me.

-Yes!

0:26:580:27:00

Well, Adam, you were the compere.

0:27:000:27:03

How long did it actually take me to eat that onion?

0:27:030:27:06

Well, the winning gent did it in 59 seconds,...

0:27:060:27:08

-Wow, fast.

-How?

0:27:080:27:10

but it took you three minutes and 16 seconds.

0:27:100:27:13

And, er, go on, Adam,

0:27:130:27:15

how long did it take me?

0:27:150:27:16

I'm afraid you didn't finish.

0:27:160:27:18

Oh.

0:27:180:27:19

So, Ed, congratulations. You are the winner

0:27:190:27:22

and there's your award.

0:27:220:27:24

Ah, victory!

0:27:240:27:25

The sweet smell of success?

0:27:250:27:27

That's a shallot of nonsense.

0:27:270:27:29

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:420:27:45

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:450:27:48

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