Mud, Pigeons and Pedal Cars! All Over the Place

Standby for the UK's strangest road trip.

Ed and Iain go pedal-car racing.

Thar be Chris, looking for buried treasure, ar!

Rani dodges fireballs,

Barney's dressed as a pigeon

and Naomi and Ed are dressed to impress!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

-# But it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

Rani, when you invited me

to Warwick Castle I thought it'd be a nice day out.

Erm, it is a nice day out, I promise, Ed.

Why do massive objects keep falling on us?

Look, it's raining cats and dogs now.

-Does Warwick Castle have its own micro-climate?

-It doesn't!

-We've just arrived at the wrong time.

-Wrong time for what?

Oh, come on! I know pigs can't fly.

-What's going on?

-Oh!

-Ooh!

What can I tell you about it?

It's made of wood.

Ed and Rani, you each have 41 seconds

to find out as many facts as you can about the trebuchet!

Ed, you have Adam, who is a trebuchet master,

Rani, you've got Luke who knows all about this contraption.

Three - two - one... GO!

Hello, Adam, am I pronouncing this right - treebuchet?!

No, it's trebuchet. It's French.

-How tall is it?

-80 metres tall.

-What does it mean?

-To go over the top of things.

Why don't they call it that?

It's too long-winded. Trebuchet sounds cool!

-What's it made out of?

-English oak.

-What do they use them for?

-To throw things over castle walls.

-What things?

-Anything!

-Rocks, fire, pigs' heads, cows, anything.

-Cows!

-Have you ever fired yourself out of it?

-No!

-Would you do it?

-Maybe!

Can I build one myself at home?

Yes, you can, but only very small, though.

-What about painting it?

-We paint it red in the colour of Warwick.

OUT-OF-TIME BUZZER I like it!

Oh! That's our time up. Have we done enough to win it?

And the person who found out the most facts is...

-Ed!

-Oh, fantastic. I'm going to celebrate in a medieval way.

-How?

-I'll eat some swan, stick an apple in a pig's mouth,

and then get a closer look at this.

And who better to show you than the man who helped you win

the challenge - the Trebmaster?!

-Hi, Ed, I think you'll need these.

-Ah, yes, good.

Will I be standing at the side, shouting instructions, being manly?

Uh...not really. I'll be shouting and you'll be in the wheel!

-What?!

-Yeah, weren't you told?

Ha! Ed, you will be in this giant hamster wheel which winds up

the arm of the trebuchet,

so when a catch is released, it can fire things very far and very fast.

-I get to find out what it's like to be a hamster.

-Keep looking sideways.

Raaarr!

-This feels weird.

-You OK?

It's like walking up a hill and not getting anywhere.

SHOUTING

And hold!

Better do as he says.

Just been asked to clear the machine.

-Come on!

-Don't think they trust me to do the whole thing.

Hold!

Looks like we're loading it up with the flaming ball of fire!

This is brilliant.

That's a medieval walkie-talkie he's got there.

That's it, we've got word.

Adam can't shout this far. The fireball is coming.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

You can tell Adam is a man who loves his job.

HE SHOUTS ORDERS

Woo-hoo-ha!

-Ha-ha!

-Did you hear that?!

That was just amazing.

CHEERING

-Did you see that?!

-Amazing!

-Awesome!

I could hear it all the way back. It went shoooosh!

I helped throw a flaming ball of fire through the sky.

I thought it was coming right at me.

I've just been sick in my own mouth!

I wonder what it was like for the people on the receiving end?

-Er!

-John.

I tell you, ever since they got that trebuchet,

the Duke's army's been firing missiles morning, noon and night.

I know. It wasn't so bad when they were just firing rocks.

Now with that new catapult, it's getting ridiculous.

You're telling me.

I was on duty here yesterday, guess what they were firing at us?

-Manure!

-Eurgh.

I stank like Friar Tuck's Y-fronts.

I reckon they're running out of ammunition. They've nothing left.

Hold up. Incoming!

-CHEERING

-Look at this!

BANG-BANG

-They're firing bread.

-Is that all you've got left, peasants!

Perfect, they're throwing their lunch at us.

-There's...

-Hey, that's butter.

We could have a quick snack break. We've got bread, butter.

All we need now is something to drink.

Here, got any milk?

Look, they're bringing out a cow.

They're going to milk it!

-Er, John. I don't think that's what they're doing.

-Eh?

-MOOING AND CHEERING

-RUN!

Incoming cow!

Aaaah!

-BOTH:

-Fire! Fire! Fire! There's a fire!

I've worked here, off and on, since I was nine.

Aw! Which are the top attractions?

The house on fire, obviously, that's good. The fairground,

colourful, lots of things moving.

Lots of movement, to catch people's eyes so they go round again

and have a careful look.

-Does this control the trains?

-Yes.

-I have to have a go!

-Go on, Ed.

-Get out of the way!

-LAUGHTER

-What happens if I pull this?

That'll start a train in the station down there.

Here it goes. Here we go!

-Aw!

-I'm actually operating the trains!

-Aw!

-They're only that big, but still.

She doesn't look happy.

-I'm not surprised - cleaning windows all day!

-Oh, yeah.

Surprised her arm hasn't fallen off.

-She's having a better time than this guy.

-Oh, yeah.

He keeps having accidents.

-His wife'll ask how his day was and he'll say, "Oh, not great."

-"Awful!"

"Had an accident for 12 hours."

We have seen some brilliant models here today

but I wonder who is Bekonscot's next top model?

Let's meet our first mystery model.

She's an author, the writer of Noddy and her name is Enid Blyton.

# Cos your beautiful - drop dead - beautiful - drop dead... #

The theme for the shoot is Writer

and she certainly looks it in this shot.

-It's definitely her best yet.

-Oh, yeah!

# Baby, you light up my world like nobody else! #

He looks like a young Bob the Builder in this shot.

Yeah, he's totally rocking the builder pose in this shot.

The theme for this shoot is Traditional English Dancers.

Look at the way they get behind those poses!

That would look absolutely fabulous on the catwalk.

But a decision has been made.

And Bekonscot's next top model is...

..the morris dancers!

Look, Ed McPherson, there's more morris dancers over there.

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

I'm getting bored of morris dancing all the time.

You're right, Maurice,

-there's got to be a way to combine it with other jobs.

-Exactly!

This is more like it -

-a bit of manual labour.

-Yeah.

Stick the radio on, will you?

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

Oi! Not again, you two! You're sacked, get off!

As this professional morris dancing snooker player

surveys the table,

he knows it's the shot which could decide

the Model Village Championship.

BELLS TINKLE

FOLK MUSIC STARTS

Oh, dear, and it looks like we're in for a long night.

We've got ages till the next plane arrives.

We can't mess up working as airport runway guys.

So, let's get a quick dance out of the way before the next plane.

Great idea. That way we'll avoid anything going wrong.

FOLK MUSIC STARTS

-Hey! You're going the wrong way! Stop!

-Stop!

I'd like to point something out to you.

This is a massive hand sculpture in Cambridgeshire.

It was designed by a student in 2007 and represents

the great impact people have on our fragile Earth.

It stands 4.5 metres high, which is the same height as around -

40 fizzy drink cans placed on top of each other...

..which is handy cos it's covered in 3,000 of them -

recycled by people in the Cambridgeshire area.

I think they all deserve...

a big hand!

Eh?! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wonder what it'd be like if we all had giant hands?

If we all had giant hands, then your hand would be bigger

than your face, wouldn't it?

People couldn't pick their noses cos their hands are too big!

If you were at a concert and clapping that loud,

it'd blow someone off the stage.

You could put your hand up and they'd see it cos it's that big,

and then high five it.

You wouldn't need a tennis racquet,

you'd just use your hand to hit the ball.

It would be good to be a goalie, so then, big hands.

Yeah, just flap the balls everywhere. Like flap, flap, flap.

Ed, stop being such a stick-in-the-mud.

I am stuck in the mud! When you said hunting for treasure,

I thought you meant the Caribbean, not the banks of the Thames.

Just think - all that history, beneath our boots.

How do we find it? Have we got a map? No!

It's the most badly organised pirate expedition I've ever been on.

We could ask that fella. Coo-ee!

Oh! Ahoy, me heartie!

This is Mike, and he's a mudlarker.

A mudlark is someone who

rummages on muddy river banks looking for ancient stuff.

If the tide comes in quickly you could drown,

so it's only experts like Mike who are allowed to lark about.

You hear that, landlubbers?! Ahoy, Mike,

have you found any buried treasure?

I think you can stop, we don't want to scare the man.

-Right, sorry.

-What's that, Mike? Any buried treasure?

Treasure - if you like.

This is a Victorian candle-snuffer.

Oh, how old's that, then?

-Ooh, 200-250 years old.

-Get out of here!

Nope, it is. For snuffing out your candles.

Mudlarking has taken place on the River Thames for over 150 years.

This is all the stuff you found in the mud of the River Thames?

Yep, it's quite typical of the kind of things you can find.

We start off with a Victorian toothbrush. Missing its handle.

Wow! They must've had big mouths in those days.

-Couldn't fit that in my mouth!

-Ha-ha!

What about that thing with the funny face on?

Ah! That's a Tudor witch bottle.

If a witch puts a curse on you, you wee in the bottle.

You drop pins into the bottom, then you cork it up,

and throw it into the mud at the bottom of the river.

Then the witch couldn't go to the toilet until she'd lift the curse

or found the bottle in the mud, takes the cork out,

-pours out your wee.

-Right.

-And retrieves the pins.

-So it's like an old-fashioned ASBO.

Ha! You could look at it that way.

What's this coin here?

That's a Tudor penny.

Ooh, brilliant.

Queen Elizabeth I on there.

-So it's about 500 years old?

-Yep, thereabouts.

Well, that's enough scintillating chat for now

because it's time to play...

You must abide by these two rules.

Rule One you can only dig with your hands.

Rule Two you must each find an object.

The rarest, oldest and most unusual object wins.

Mike will be the judge, and the winner gets a special prize.

Mudlarkers, are you ready?

Let's go!

Mud that preserves things.

This'll help me keep my youthful good looks.

You do know that 39 million tonnes of sewage

is dumped in the Thames each year?

Aaaah.

Aaaaah! Aaaaah!

Gold! Is it gold?!

Ohhh...that's my pirate earring!

Graaaah! This'll definitely beat Chris.

Look at that! It's blue and white. I've got another piece similar.

Maybe it's from the same thing.

This is actually amazing. I found all this in less than a minute,

in about three metres square. There's so much stuff down here.

-This is very nice.

-Ed has found a clay pipe...

Chris has found pieces of a...

Let's see who wins this one.

I think the prize has got to go to Ed.

And his 17th century pipe.

My 400-year-old pipe.

-And there's your prize.

-Thank you.

-It's a mud bath.

-Ohhhhh!

So here we are in the beautiful village of Carnlough.

The home of a very famous and decorated World War II hero

called Paddy.

-Yep, and today's song is in his honour, isn't it?

-Certainly is.

Can I be the decorated World War II hero, please?

-Oh, go on, then.

-Yeah, result!

Paddy was awarded a medal for his bravery when he took part

in the D-Day landings, in a mission codenamed U2.

Like the band. Obviously, the codename is like the band, not...

-not the D-Day landings. U2 weren't there.

-No, they didn't.

So in honour of Paddy and his U2 mission

I thought I'd dress up as Bono. You see - voila!

-I'm Bono.

-You look the part. Look at that.

-You can be Paddy.

Can't wait. I'll go and get changed.

Paddy was a pigeon, wasn't he?

Yes. Yes, he was.

-"Coo" the music! Get it, "coo" the music?

-Yeah, hilarious.

# Paddy the pigeon!

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo!

# Coo-oo!

# Way back in 1944

# At the height of the fighting of the Second World War

# Pigeons considered the right disposition

# Were trained to carry out top-secret missions

# Why? Cos these clever birds show

# Wherever you release them

# They could find their way home

# And Paddy from Carnlough was one of the best

# And so the Royal Air Force put him to the test

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo!

# Trained here by his owner for the wartime task

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo!

# For a simple little pigeon that's a pretty big ask

# I know this all sounds a tiny bit barmy

# But he invaded France with the Allied Army

# And with coded information about how far they'd got

# He flew back to Britain, as quick as a shot

# Dodging bullets and hawks, old Paddy was nifty

# Flying 230 miles in just four hours 50

# This was the fastest time ever recorded

# And for his brave efforts the pigeon was rewarded!

# Coo-oo

# Coo-oo

# He flew so fearless over land and sea

# Coo-oo coo-oo

# He got the Dickin Medal for gallantry

# Here to Carnlough Paddy retired

# And in 1954 he sadly expired

# His marvellous achievements continued to be hailed

# As recently this memorial plaque was unveiled. #

It looks nothing like me.

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo!

# The bravest pigeon Northern Ireland's ever known!

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo!

# He only knew one thing and that was the way home

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo!

# I know getting a medal's very cool indeed

# Coo-oo! Coo-oo! #

But wouldn't he have preferred, like, a sack of birdseed?

Nice wheels, Ed.

Yeah, I thought I'd ditch the Mini and go for something more sporty.

-More racy.

-Yes, it's fast, mate. Speedy. Action-packed.

You're not wrong.

Just need somewhere to race it now.

We are in Hampshire. There's a race on today.

-Really?

-Yeah!

-Let's go!

-Let's go! Where do I...

sit in it though, cos I'll need to...?

Ed, I'll probably... Ed?!

The winner is the team

who has completed the most one-kilometre laps...

Ed and Iain, time to meet your teams.

-I am Team Phoenix, am I right?

-Yes.

-Good.

-And I'm on the Round Table?

-Yes, you are.

-These are our humble steeds, I believe.

-Yeah.

-Mighty chariots.

I don't have to cycle this whole thing on my own, do I?

No, it's OK, you've another three team members.

-Good. OK, then.

-Go, go, go!

The teams have very different tactics.

You'll race against 50 other teams,

so you need to pedal for your winner's medal.

-We should check out the competition.

-Good idea, Petrie. Look at this!

And this is real competition.

-It looks a bit Gothic.

-Very aerodynamic, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Just checking for hidden engines, cheats never prosper.

What's this for?

-So he can reach the pedals.

-Are you too small to reach the pedals?!

-Also probably padding for the bum?

-Yeah.

D'you think I'm going to get a sore bum on this bike?

-Yeah.

-I'll be walking like this...

-Yeah.

-I might keep this, guys.

See you later, bye! See you!

I'm starting to get worried

cos I found out my team did very badly last year.

Like Lewis Hamilton,

if Lewis Hamilton drove what is essentially a tin bath on wheels.

Just look - Ed is the only one not in the car.

Everyone else is obeying the rules

and he's in the pits acting like an idiot.

He's being immature.

IAIN LAUGHS

If you're going to roll about on the floor in a public place,

wear longer shorts next time.

I'm so nervous.

And they're off!

The team that completes the most laps in two hours is the winner,

but each four-person team has different tactics

so will it be Ed or Iain that gets pedal car-ried away?

Aaaaah!

Ed gets off to a good start.

But Iain is matching him it's neck and neck in the early stages.

-Whoo!

-Some of these are going really fast!

Whoa!

This is exhausting.

And it's Ed first into the pit.

Sorry, wrong way round.

Ah! It's exhausting.

Argh, luckily we're doing a maximum of two laps.

I think Iain's going 15 minutes, he'll be tired... There he goes!

And while Ed takes a break, Iain keeps on going.

Water! My legs feel like they're on fire.

Iain's feeling tired so they're bringing him in early. Mee-mee-mee.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

-Ah, my legs!

-How are the legs?

-Aaaargh! Aaaaargh!

-How are the quads?

-I can't walk!

And oh, we have some early race updates just coming through.

I've just been reliably informed that after the first few laps,

and my "terrible" 15 minutes,

erm, our team is ahead of your team.

-How many laps have you done?

-I don't know but we're ahead.

Oi, less of the bickering and more of the racing, you two!

This race won't win itself, you know.

Eat my dust!

Things come to a grinding halt for Team Petrie

eat my dust indeed, could this cost him the race?

Thank you.

You reckon? Time to change drivers before you break anything else, Ed.

Does anyone know how we're doing?

The latest news is that you're one lap behind, Ed,

so if you're going to catch Iain you better get back out there!

He's done two pretty quick laps there.

Woo-hoo!

I'll just do a hand print with this bike grease. There you go.

One corner seems to be causing a few crashes

let's hope Ed and Iain are more careful!

This is my favourite. Oh, no!

Oooh, you nearly made a big impact on the race there.

He's had a pep talk, it's one lap down and looks like he might lose.

Right, last lap.

-Hey! Final lap.

-Aaargh!

Hmmm, things are getting "wheelie" serious.

I'm so tired.

I think I prefer my normal car!

Ooooh!

That chequered flag means the end of the race but who's the winner?

So while the judges are working out how many laps

each team has completed, everyone takes a lap of honour.

But will it be Speedy Stirling or Pacy Petrie who picks up

the All Over The Place pedal car trophy?

So, Conrad, the race director will tell us who's won.

Ed, you've done 45 laps.

-Very respectable.

-That's quite good, isn't it?

-And Iain...

-Yeah.

-You did 47 laps!

-Ha-ha! I'll have that, thank you.

-You can have that.

-Thanks very much.

-Look at his smug face.

-Yoo-hoo-hoo!

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