Sheep, Shakespeare and Bog Snorkelling! All Over the Place

Don't be stick-in-the-muds,

sit back and enjoy Ed and Barney bog snorkelling...

HE YELPS

Iain in a lovely dress...

Andy sheep racing...

Chris having a right royal laugh...

Naomi scaling new heights, and Johny get lost.

I'm not being rude, he's in a maze!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest

# Me and my mates, all over the place!

# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd

# Whatever we do is strange but true!

# All over the place

# All over the place

# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK

-# But it turns up...

-# ..all over the place! #

What did you go and do that for? I mean, look at this!

I'm sorry, Ed. I didn't think it through.

What did you think would happen

if you stepped into an inflatable dinghy wearing stiletto heels?

That's our trip to the beach ruined.

Not necessarily. Looks like we're in a shipyard.

Surely somebody here can help us mend our boat.

Oh.

I wonder if there's someone in that?

# Higher, higher... #

This is the Titan Crane in Clydebank.

Ed and Naomi, it's the clash of the Titans!

You have 34 seconds to find as much as you can about the Titan Crane.

Ed, you've got Ian.

Naomi, you've got Amy.

Whoever finds out the most facts in is the winner!

Three...two...one...

GO!

Hello, Amy, I'm Naomi. Right, let's do this.

-So what kind of crane is it?

-It's a cantilever crane.

-When was this crane first built?

-1907.

How much does it weigh?

It weighs 800 tons.

-When did they stop using it?

-2000.

Why is it blue?

That was the original colour over 100 years ago when it was built.

-And what was it used for?

-Fitting out ships, completing ships.

If anything came loose on the crane, how would you TITAN it?

We'd have to get another big crane to go up and tighten them.

What sort of ships did they build here?

Warships, liners, merchant ships.

I'm running out of questions!

-What's it made out of?!

-Steel.

KLAXON Oh!

I ran out of questions there. I'm sorry. You did brilliantly.

-Thanks.

-Good work. Fingers crossed.

And the person who found out the most facts is...

ED!

-Oh!

-Yay!

-Are you serious?

A Titan Crane and a Titan Brain!

Rarrgh!

These are some of the ships that were built here.

-Why's the crane so big when the boats are so small?

-Oh, ha-ha-ha(!)

One of the world's most famous ships was built by Titan -

The Starship Enterprise.

Ha, ha, no, the QE2.

-That was a posh one, wasn't it?

-Mm-hm.

Built in 1969 and luxurious, with two swimming pools on board.

-You know, each one of these rivets had to be put in by hand.

-Really?!

-Yeah, look.

-There's loads!

-It's crazy.

-You know what noise the frogs here make?

-Oh, don't tell me!

Have a guess.

-"Rivet"?

-Yep!

-Rivvvvit!

HE LAUGHS

Back in the day, to get to the top, you had to climb the steps outside.

-Yeah. That would've taken ages!

-Mm.

-I think I prefer this.

-Yeah, this is better.

-Lovely view.

-Isn't it nice?

-Hey, Ed, have you looked down yet?

-Argh! Argh, no!

Hello!

-Ah...

-It's quite a scary view.

Why didn't they build a floor?! Ah, no!

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

This is the engine room.

Good, there's a floor in here. That's nice.

Well, it's not that nice. It's where the greasers used to work.

A couple of greasers, all covered in oil,

and covering all the machinery in oil

to make sure everything kept moving.

Can't have been nice, being covered in oil.

Trying to get down the stairs?

Slip down them a bit faster than you planned!

What were they doing? Slow coaches!

I feel sorry for the guy at the end. The crane operator - he was alone.

-Ahh.

-He wasn't even allowed to go to the toilet.

-He had to take a bucket up with him.

-What?!

FLUSHING

You've got to hand it to crane operators, Naomi.

-That's not an easy job.

-You're not wrong there, Ed.

You'd need brilliant eyesight to see objects way down here.

One wrong move with these girders and you could cause a lot of damage,

so just very gently try moving them to your left.

CRASH!

Your other left!

-I think I just hit that building, Dad.

-Never mind.

Cannae make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Still, better put the girders down next to that old factory

before someone notices.

I can't, the lever's stuck!

Gently, don't force it.

I got it! I got it!

CRASH!

Och, Son. You've only gone and destroyed a chimney in the 1970s.

Sorry, Dad. Better just put the girders back where they were.

Don't worry - I'm going to do it very gently this time.

That's it.

Nice work, son.

Set it down carefully

next to that world's largest display of standing dominoes.

-CLANG!

-See, Dad? Told you I could do it.

Nice work, son.

CRASH!

Whee!

MUSIC: "Tragedy" by Steps

# Here we are

# In a rather pretty Midlands town

# Famous for

# A playwright of quite huge renown

# He was born

# Back in 1564

# No-one had written plays like him before

# Him before

# Hiiim befoooooore

-# He wrote

-# Tragedies

# Like Hamlet and Macbeth And he wrote

# Histories

# Like Henry The Fifth

# And he was born right here

# Stratford, Warwickshire

# And his name is Shakespeare

# All in all

# He wrote 37 plays

# And his wife

# She was called Anne Hathaway

# Also built

# A theatre down in London town

# Unfortunately, it burnt down

# It burnt down

# Iiiit burnt doooown

# He wrote

# Tragedies

# Where everybody dies And he wrote

# Comedies

# With people in disguise

# And what is more

# He wrote sonnets galore - 154

# Back in Tudor times

# When his plays were on the stage

# The female parts were played

# By boys of a very young age

# And when poor old Will Shakespeare

# Finally wound up dead

# In his will he left his wife

# His second best bed?!

# Tragedies

# His characters were cursed And he wrote

# Histories

# Some of them in verse

# And I don't like to gloat

# But the lines that he wrote

# I can easily quote... #

Go on, then.

Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.

Is this a dagger which I see before me?

And the most famous of all?

"To be or not to be?"

# Tragedies

# The greatest playwright of all time

# Comedies

# Boy, could that dude rhyme

# And just let me say

# Many of his phrases

# We still use today. #

Oh, well, Ed. All's well that ends well.

Yep, that's one of his.

What?

That phrase was first used by Shakespeare.

Oh, fair play.

That one as well.

For goodness' sake!

That, too!

Are you pulling my leg?

Nah, he didn't write that one.

Uh...

Argh!

Oh...

I keep having this terrible dream that Chris Johnson's the Queen.

Ooh!

What are you dressed like that for?

Just getting in touch with my royal roots, Mr Petrie.

I believe I may be a member of the Royal Family.

-You?

-Mm-hm.

A member of the Royal Family?

ED GIGGLES

Oh, fine!

Hang on, where are you going?

To the Buckingham Palace of Wembley. Good day to you!

Margaret, what's going on? What is this?

This is my collection.

This is my lounge, and here we have William and Kate.

And here, Her Majesty The Queen.

-This is the house you live in?

-Yes.

MUSIC: "Rule, Britannia!" by Thomas Arne

And speaking of mugs...

This is brilliant!

-I feel so at home.

-You feel at home?

-Yep!

-On a throne?

-Yep!

Chris, you are not next in line to the throne!

After the Queen, he's the top of the family tree.

So let's play...

Match the Royal face to the Royal name,

using Margaret's collection of Royal mugs,

and complete the Royal family tree.

Chris, you have to find the Queen, her hubby, and her children.

Ed, you have to find the Queen's grandchildren.

A completed family tree means you will be rewarded with cake.

Right. Oh, there's Andrew.

And Edward's there. Ha-hey!

Oh, there's loads of Annes in here, Chris!

OK, and Zara...

Yes! Zara and Peter, her kids!

Anne, Anne, got to find Anne. Got to find Anne. Erm...

There's got to be one here somewhere.

Aha! There we go. Nice mug as well. OK.

Ha ha! William! Yes, there you are. Good.

And Harry? Harry... Harry!

Prince Charles... Aha! Prince Charles, yes!

Where's Harry?! He's in the Army - he's probably camouflaged!

Ah, Your Majesty. There you are.

I just need Prince Philip. Erm... Aha! Here he is!

Come on, off the hook! There we go! Ha-hey!

Erm... Argh, Harry!

HARRY! Where are you?! Come here right now!

KLAXON Argh!

-Out of time.

-Oh. And with a big chunk missing, as well! Look at that!

Yeah, that's all my fault, actually.

No Beatrice, no Eugenie, no Louise, no James.

-No cake.

-No me!

ED GROWLS

I'm very impressed with your collection, Margaret.

Thank you. It's absolutely priceless to me.

-So you've never been tempted to sell any of it?

-Never. I'm a collector.

Chris, you couldn't sell it.

It's so large, where would you start?

Indeed, Ed! But imagine if Her Majesty had to sell

some of the real Royal Collection. Where would SHE start?

Yes, and don't forget your priceless Ming vase!

SMASH!

And don't forget to get it insured!

Ah, hello, dear.

What old tat - sorry, "antiques" - have you got for me today?

How much wonga can I get for all this?

I'm saving up for a new games console,

and I need to get my hands on some readies, pronto!

This looks interesting.

Has it been in the family long?

That's my lunch, you silly little man.

Now what about this?

Ah, now not many people know that Buckingham Palace

has its own Post Office.

Yes. This is the original design for the first class stamp.

Although this is what I originally wanted to go for.

-And for some reason, they didn't want this one, either.

-Mm.

I wonder why(!)

Oh, now this looks like old film.

Is it?

Yes, yes.

The palace has its own cinema.

At 12 o'clock, it's the Oscar-winning film, The Queen.

At one o'clock, it's The Queen. At two o'clock, it's The Queen.

At three o'clock, it's The Queen.

Hang on. Is there anything except The Queen?

Erm...

-At seven o'clock, there's Alien Vs Transformers.

-Really?

No, it's The Queen.

Now, let's talk wonga. What are we looking at?

Well, for all this...

..I would say it's worth an amazing...

-REFINED:

-So, are the antiques

the Queen has brought along today worth a fortune?

-COMMON AS MUCK:

-Or are dey worf nuffink?

Yes, that one. A big, fat zero!

What?!

But...I wanted a games console!

Argh! Arrrrghh! Aaaaarrrrrrgh!

I think she handled it rather well.

'This is Leeds Castle Maze.'

'It's a-MAZE-ing.'

'Terrible gag, Johny, terrible.'

# Cos you're amazing

# Just the way you are... #

'Mazes have been popular for thousands of years.'

'People like getting lost, then?'

'Yeah, I wish you'd get lost!'

# Cos, girl, you're amazing

# Just the way you are... #

'Look, I can see the way out, Ed!'

'Oi! That's cheating!

'There's only one way out of here.

'That's through the underground grotto.'

'So this is the grotto?

'I cannot wait to meet Santa!

'You won't meet Santa here.

'For a start, this place was only built in the 1980s.

'But you will come face-to-face with Typhoeus,

'a giant from Greek myth, who tried to overpower the Greek gods.'

'Was he mad?'

'Maybe.

Zeus defeated him,

'and he was said to have been put under the volcano Mount Etna.'

'Bet he doesn't feel so hot now!'

# Just the way you are... #

'This maze was planted in 1986, and it contains 2,400 yew trees.'

'All right, mate? How are YEW?

'No, how are YEW?'

If we woke up and we were in a maze, adults wouldn't have to work

and we wouldn't have to go to school,

cos we'd wake up and everyone would be lost.

We wouldn't have to make up excuses any more.

We would sit on a big, giant space hopper and jump over the hedges.

The only way to get out of the maze would be to blow up a balloon,

put it over your pet's head, then use it as a rocket and fly upwards.

LAUGHTER

Ed, what are you doing?!

Morning, Andy! Sorry, can't chat - I've got to finish this off.

-I never knew you knitted!

-There's many things you don't know about me.

-I don't like to boast.

-OK. So what you knitting? A jumper?

Sort of. I'm making a knitted version of you.

What would I do with a knitted version of myself?

We're going to race it against me, obviously.

Yeah, obviously!

Because we're at the Big Sheep, in Devon.

They run sheep races here every day.

People have to guess which sheep will win the race.

And they also have duck trials.

BOTH: Ducks?!

Ducks flock together like sheep and they're a bit closer together,

a bit smaller, and easier to work with.

-Sound weird, but I'll give it a go.

-Let's give it a go, then.

There are four basic commands.

Walk on. Come by, come by. To the left.

Away.

Walk on.

Lie.

Ed, Ed...

Lie! Stand! Not you, Ed!

I won't take you anywhere again.

I can't wait to do this. Can we have a go?

We can, yeah. Let's get on with it.

Walk, walk.

Walk on.

DUCKS QUACK

Walk.

-Good girl.

-Hey!

Lie down, lie down. Do a bit of lying down. Lie down.

That's good. Well done.

Come by.

Ooh, erm...

And stop!

Stand there with your tongue out!

Walk. Walk.

Walk. No! No!

ED CACKLES

You...! What are you doing to me?! Like, literally the last minute.

I think we're done.

You lie down. Go through there! Go through there!

Hooray! I did it!

Walk, walk, walk, walk.

-Boom!

-Yay!

APPLAUSE

It kind of worked. I don't know what I did, but it worked.

Do you like your jockey?

-Yeah, he's a pretty little guy.

-These are the other ones.

BAA-rney Harwood.

Then Naomi WOOL-kinson.

And RAAA-ni.

Oh, no, Iain! Iain! What have they done to him?!

He really cares about his appearance. He won't be happy.

I know you're the best-looking jockey in this race,

but don't let it go to your head, OK?

It's not important - get ahead of the flock!

This is it. This is game time.

I don't want a SHEEPISH performance. RAM it home for the team!

And the gates are open and they're off!

They head for the first furlong and it's all to play for.

It looks like... Oh, it's Barney in a surprise move!

Ed and Andy towards the back of the pack.

We're coming in round the first furlong and they're doing well

and sloooowing down for no apparent reason.

What's going on, you woolly nits?

Oh, here's one of the judges speeding them up, and they're off!

-Come on, Number 3!

-Number 5! You can take Baa-rney Harwood!

Let's see if Ed's right - can he take Baa-rney?

No, it's not looking good.

Baa-baa-baa-baa-rney is running away with it.

And there's Ed - he's a wolf in sheep's clothing!

It's going to be a close shave - he's coming up, he's coming up!

Oh, let's have a look at the replay.

Barney was the winner, Iain came second, and Ed came third.

Then Naomi, then Andy, then Rani.

Ed's sheep has beaten Andy's!

Why are you running away? Stop running away! Don't be scared!

No, this is... I'm happy! Don't...! No, come here!

I'm going to be here for ages.

Ah, finally. High five!

Well, this is no bog-standard event today, eh, Ed?

You all psyched up and ready to go? Are you wearing your swimming cap?

Mate, the lengths you will go to to protect your hair, honestly.

-I've never snorkelled in a bog before.

-Uurgh!

No, not that kind of bog.

That's a toilet, which is gross and disgusting.

Come to think of it, this is also gross and disgusting.

You're not wrong, Barney. You and Ed are taking part

in the Northern Ireland Bog Snorkelling Championships.

Ed, you OK? You look a bit weird. HE GRUNTS THROUGH HIS SNORKEL

-I can't understand you. Take the snorkel out of your mouth.

-Hi, there.

Wait a minute...

You're not Ed! I knew it.

Ed Petrie!

I'm not doing it. Look at it! It's a dirty, disgusting ditch!

You wouldn't swim in that normally, but they put a sign up.

I'm not doing it.

I blow-dried my hair this morning, looks lovely, doesn't it?

Get your tall, lanky, well-groomed self into those snorkels

and into that bog.

Stop being a wimp.

It's all your fault. Why aren't you taller?

And vainer, and also have a bigger nose?

In Bog Snorkelling Championships,

50 people swim up and down this bog using a snorkel.

-Not far, dude, not far.

-Show that bog who's boss!

The winner is the person who does it the quickest.

The rules are, you can't use any normal swimming strokes.

Ed and Barney'll be just fine, then.

And you have to breathe through the snorkel at all times

whilst swimming.

So I thought I'd enter us into the men's race.

Oh, what?! A lap of that? I'm never going to be able to do it.

Actually, it's two laps. ED SIGHS

Come on, you're going to love it! Man up.

Actually, the quicker I swim, the quicker I get out,

and the more chance I've got of beating you. Yeah, yeah!

So bring it on, Harwood! I'm going to quickly get some tips.

It's quite hard to make a fast exit, though, wearing these.

The full course is like swimming the length of a football pitch...

if it was flooded.

I've stumbled across the world ladies' junior champion

at bog snorkelling.

What sort of stroke are you going to do?

Sort of doggy paddle and a bit of flippers.

-Do you want to demonstrate that for us now?

-Sort of...

A bit of doggy paddle.

The way I do it, I keep my hands out in front,

and use the streamlined position and kick my legs.

Show me the streamlined position.

-Um... Put your two hands on top of each other.

-Yeah.

-Head down.

-Yeah.

And when you need to look up, just take your head up and down.

-How do you steer?

-Just turn your hands.

-Like that?

-Yeah.

The fastest time this course has ever been snorkelled

was one minute, 25 seconds.

That's mind-bogglingly fast!

I think he's got a little outboard motor on his wetsuit.

You could hide one in the bog, strap it on, no-one would be the wiser.

It's three degrees. That's quite cold, isn't it?

You won't be able to swim.

That's three degrees off having to break ice off the surface.

You look like you know what you're doing.

I've been doing it for six years,

and I'm currently second in the world.

-Are you?

-I am. You know, it's very good for the skin, the mud.

-Just buy some moisturiser.

-COMPETITOR LAUGHS

-It's a lot easier.

-It's a lot cheaper here.

-I suppose so, yeah.

Swings and roundabouts, yeah, hmmm.

-Who do you think's going to win out of me and Barney?

-You are.

-Yeah?

-Is Ed going to win or am I?

-I think you're going to win.

I've found out all sorts of interesting things.

-Me too.

-What was your top tip?

-Uh... Get on a boat.

Yeah? My top tip was be really, really, fast at the beginning,

-and keep your eyes closed.

-I know what you're doing.

-I'm giving nothing away.

-Neither am I.

I'm so confident, I nominate you to go first.

That's the game, is it? Watch me, see how I do it, and then copy?

It's going to do him no good, I'm going to sink like a brick.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-He came, he wanted to conquer,

but first, Barney must become...

-The Bog Monster!

-GROWLING

Here we go.

-Go on, Barney!

-WHISTLE

CROWD CHEERS HIM ON

Good start, actually.

-Go Barney! Go Barney, go! Woo!

-APPLAUSE

He's going really fast!

I quite like that he's got his head out of the water,

so hopefully I can do the same thing.

-Oh, he's stopped! He's stopped!

-It's a bit chilly.

Yeah, keep talking, Barney, keep talking.

Oh, he's off again.

CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS

He's stopped again, that's the second time.

Something round me legs. It's the real bog monster.

See, Barney's problem is he loves the camera too much.

He can't help stopping and having a chat.

It's hardly going to be a world record.

But I'm going to get there.

The thing is, I can't feel smug about this,

because I'm going in next.

Halfway, Barney!

I reckon he's had a cheeky little wee in his wetsuit.

Can't get my breathing right.

Less chatting, more swimming, Harwood!

I think as long as I don't lose my flipper, drown,

or get abducted by aliens, I could win this.

DOG BARKS

Nearly there!

CROWD: Come on, Barney!

CHEERING

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

What's hard about it, you can't breathe through your nose.

It's tough.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-He smirked at his friend,

he flounced his hair, but now, Ed must become...

The Bog Thing!

GROWLING

Oh, no.

HE WHIMPERS AND SCREAMS

Oh, that's great!

WHISTLE CROWD CHEERS HIM ON

When you're out here looking down, it just looks like a bit of water,

but actually, underneath it, it's like soil and thick mud.

These reeds that grab round your legs, they wrap round your legs,

they make it very difficult to swim.

See, he's waving.

He's now waving. That's how cool he is.

He's making it look easy. He's making this look so easy.

He's at the end, touch the yellow post, turn round...

..and he's on his way back.

This is his home straight.

Not bad.

CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

WHISTLE

There's things in there.

There's horrible, weird, hairy things in there.

Still don't like it.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-They got in the bog, they swam for their lives,

but which Bog Monster Thing snorkelled the fastest?

So, Colin, how did we do?

You both did very well. I can tell you your times...

HEARTBEAT

Barney, you did it in six minutes and seven seconds.

Not bad. It's not a bad time, I think.

-Ed, you did it in two minutes and 42 seconds. Congratulations.

-Oh, wow!

That's pretty good, isn't it?

-And here's your award for being the fastest.

-Oh, wow.

-And, Barney...

-Look at that.

-Bog Man.

-Oh, dear.

-You get the bog seat.

-The human bog brush.

It's a proud moment. Well done.

-That was fantastic.

-I've finally found a sport I'm good at,

-and it's one of the most disgusting things I've ever done.

-There you go.

Do you know what I fancy? A nice jacuzzi.

Funny you should say that, actually, cos I know the perfect spot.

Oh, really?

BOTH: Aaaargh!

THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY

Aaargh!

Nice!

You've been watching All Over The Place!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd