Fern and the Case of the Stolen Story Arthur


Fern and the Case of the Stolen Story

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# Every day when you're walkin' down the street

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# Everybody that you meet

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# Has an original point of view

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-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

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# What a wonderful kind of day

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# We can learn to work and play

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# And get along with each other

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# You gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat

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# Listen to the rhythm The rhythm of the street

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# Open up your eyes! Open up your ears!

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# Get together and make things better by working together

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# It's a simple message And it comes from the heart

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# Oh, believe in yourself

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# For that's the place to start

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-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

-What a wonderful kind of day

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# We can learn to work and play And get along with each other

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# What a wonderful kind of day, hey! What a wonderful kind of day, HEY! #

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Hey, DW!

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-Hey!

-Whoa...!

-BUMPING AND CRASHING

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Oh!

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They say everyone has a story to tell,

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and no-one has more stories than Fern.

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-Oh!

-Well, usually, that is.

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-Hey, Fern - how's the story coming?

-Huh? Oh, great.

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-Just writing up a storm here.

-Good. Because your piece

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will be the main event at Muffy's Fiction Forum tomorrow.

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Oh, and did I tell you - a famous writer is going to be there?

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Oh, no! I mean - that's great. Who?

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It's a surprise. But I'm sure he'll love your writing.

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-You're so creative!

-Oh!

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This story is called...Blank,

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so very, erm,

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blank...and, er,

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-er...

-Hold on! Did you write a story or not?

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I tried, but I just couldn't think of anything!

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You mean I hath travelled 404 years into the future for this?!

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Methinks this Fern is a fraud!

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-SHE GASPS

-I need an idea - something, anything!

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Give me an idea!

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Hey, want to play catch?

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How can I when I'm supposed to write a whole story by tomorrow

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and I don't have a single idea?!

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Oh, yeah, Muffy's Fiction Forum - I'm going to that, too!

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I could tell you stories that smack the taste right out of your mouth!

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I never write them down, though. There was this one time...

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-Oh, I should let you work.

-No, no - tell me, please!

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Well, I have this Aunt Mable who knits these wild-looking ponchos.

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But what she's really good at is bingo.

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She's the second-best player in all of Orleans parish.

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Now, you might ask, who's the best player? No-one knows!

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He comes in a cloak and a hat pulled way down,

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and he never loses. Some people say he won a jet pack once.

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Aunt Mable thinks he cheats but she can't prove it.

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But you know what the really spooky part is?

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Aunt Mable can't knit.

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Where do all the ponchos come from?

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Erm, thanks. I've got to go!

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Good luck!

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Prizes had been mysteriously vanishing

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from the great bingo halls of Europe,

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and only one woman could crack the case -

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Detective Virgule Oiteau.

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Eeen-teresting!

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Agh! >

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Quickly, Bastings!

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There was a man in a grey coat and hat -

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he took everything, even a jet pack!

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There, there, Aunt Sabel - I'm sure we'll find the culprit.

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Well, what are you standing around here for?

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Go after 'em!

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SHE SOBS

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Mmm! Something, it smells of ze fish!

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Look, Oiteau - over there!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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This way, mon ami - we shall take ze abbreviated route!

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So, we meet again... Monsieur Grey Dove!

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'Ow did you know it was me?

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It was...an 'oonch!

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What's an 'oonch?

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An 'oonch! You know, you get a feeling, but you have not ze facts?

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-Eh, forget eet!

-Well done, Oiteau! Another mystery solved!

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Not yet, mon ami. You see, ze Grey Dove is just a piece of ze puzzle.

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Multi-coloured ponchos? Where did you get these?

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And where are all the bingo prizes?

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She gave them to me on the condition that I never play bingo again!

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A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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You'll never catch me now, Oiteau!

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Quickly, toss me zat ball!

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Agh!

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Ooh!

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Blimey! How did you know?

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When I find dis thread, Oiteau knows,

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it is from the unfashionable poncho of Aunt Sabel.

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It wasn't fair! I wanted to show them all that Aunt Sabel

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-was second to no-one!

-Well, I guess this caper will be just another yarn

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-for you to tell, hey, Oiteau?

-Bingo, my dear Bastings.

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-Bingo!

-Ha-ha-ha!

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-That was great, Fern!

-It's just like a Raymond Hammett story!

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Unfortunately, our guest writer couldn't make it today,

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but he's coming tomorrow, so I say we have another literary gathering then.

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-All those in favour?

-Aye!

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Great! Oh, and Fern - if you could do another Oiteau mystery,

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that would be fabulous - thanks!

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Another story?!

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Hey, nice story. Especially the part where it was completely mine!

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-What are you talking about?

-The bingo, the ponchos, the jet pack!

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And why did you make my aunt the villain - she's a real nice lady!

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It wasn't your aunt - her name was Mabel.

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-My character was Sabel.

-Big deal - you changed a letter!

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OK, maybe I borrowed an idea or two, but Dial B For Bingo is a mystery -

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you never said anything about a detective.

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That's true. Still, I wish you had asked me first.

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-I

-might like to use that stuff in a story some day.

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And you should. If you wanted, I'd even help you.

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-Just not tonight.

-I know just what I would write about.

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I've got this Uncle Silas, who's a clown, with the craziest hairdo,

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and he has this parrot who tells terrible jokes.

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But once the parrot got lost in...

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Ladonna, it sounds amazing, but I should really go and get to work.

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Oh, OK. Good luck!

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What a great story - how does Fern come up with them?

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Methinks you have writer's block.

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-What's that?

-When one's well of ideas has dried to dust,

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the nib of one's quill begins to rust...

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Oh!

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Oh, hi, Mrs Compson - can I speak to Ladonna?

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Oh, she's asleep?

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OK. Erm, no, no message. Thanks.

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Ah!

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Oiteau and Bastings made their way through the deep, dense jungle.

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Polly the Parrot, the pride of the Cirque de Fauteuil,

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had gone missing, and the trail had led them to the Congo.

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A fezzer - and it is still warm! We are close...!

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-Agh!

-Watch out!

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It seems to be tipped with peanut butter.

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You have saved me from a really 'orrible rash, mon ami!

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Virgule Oiteau, she is very allergique!

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-I'm

-not!

-Bastings, behold -

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zer is more than one archer in zis jungle.

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Only a clown would use this type of, how you say...prop comedy?

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Agg! Polly! >

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Ah-ha! Siras the Clown!

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It was you who kidnapped Polly!

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You're right, I did it, but it was only to protect her!

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-Someone else is after here.

-But who?

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Zis thread - I have seen it somewhere before.

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Huh! Ze Grey Dove!

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I got rid of the ponchos - they were itchy.

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But I guess a thread must have stuck to me.

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Say bye-bye, birdie! It's time to collect my ransom!

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Quick! Monsieur Clown - untie ze rope!

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Ugh!

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Zis shape - it is like ze boomerang!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha...! Ow!

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Polly was safe, and the Grey Dove went to prison.

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But Siras did not take Polly back to the circus,

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because, more than anything, Polly wanted...her freedom.

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APPLAUSE

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That was wonderful, Fern - where on earth do you get these ideas?

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-Erm, well...

-Excuse me!

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I've got a story I want to tell!

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Hope you'll like it as much as I liked yours(!)

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-CLEARS THROAT

-Ferg - that's with a G, not an N - was a cat burglar,

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only instead of stealing cats, she stole something else.

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LIGHTNING CRASHES

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Why, Ferg - whatever are you doing?

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Oh! Erm, nothing, Ladella, I was just leaving.

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I believe you have something of mine.

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Ha-ha! What do you mean?

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You have stolen something that is very, very valuable to me -

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-my stories!

-Wait a minute...

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Ladella couldn't let Ferg steal the story of Uncle Silas

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and his parrot - which he did not steal from a French circus,

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but bought at the pet store in the mall...

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-Hey, that was about me!

-It's just a story!

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-See, the name's different?

-You want a story? Fine.

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I'm writing one right now about a girl named Ladoona,

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-who doesn't understand the creative process.

-Oh, yeah?

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I'm writing a story about a writer named Ferm...

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who won't admit that she steals stories!

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I'm not a thief. I tried to call you but you were asleep!

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Excuse me, but these new stories that you're writing -

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-they sound very dull.

-I want her to admit

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that she was using stories about my family!

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I wasn't! That could have been any bad joke-telling parrot,

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and Sabel isn't Mabel, and Silas isn't Siras.

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I mean, Siras isn't...

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OK, I admit it! I have writer's block!

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I have no more ideas left! I'm finished!

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And I just got carried away.

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I didn't think of it as stealing, but I guess it was.

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I'm sorry.

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Well...but you did start writing again.

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That Grey Dove stuff - that was all you.

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-That's true!

-Maybe we could even work on a story together,

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-like, as a team?

-BANGING

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OK, I'm officially bored, but the good news is,

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our guest author has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen -

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Ed Crosswire!

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This is from my new memoir, A Deal Like You Wouldn't Believe.

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Chapter One - I was born near the dump,

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but I knew I wasn't garbage...

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