Caught in the Crosswires Arthur

# Every day when you're walkin' down the street

# Everybody that you meet

# Has an original point of view

-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

# What a wonderful kind of day If we can learn to work and play

# And get along with each other

# You gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat

# Listen to the rhythm The rhythm of the street

# Open up your eyes! Open up your ears!

# Get together and make things better by working together

# It's a simple message And it comes from the heart

# Oh, believe in yourself For that's the place to start

-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

-What a wonderful kind of day

# If we can learn to work and play And get along with each other

# What a wonderful kind of day, hey! What a wonderful kind of day, HEY! #

Hey, DW!

-Hey!

-Whoa!

CRASH!

Just because someone says something is real,

doesn't mean it necessarily is.

Just watch.

DOOR BELL CHIMES

May I help you?

No, Jeeves, but I can help you.

I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, AKA J-Cube,

big time genius TV producer. Pow!

Yeah, and this is Phil.

PHIL GRUNTS

I want to put the Crosswires on TV.

What's going on, Bailey?

I believe we're being "Punk'd", sir.

MUFFY GASPS

Jimmy Johnny Johnson,

you got my letter!

Daddy, I read that J-Cube was looking for new reality stars,

and I said our family would be perfect.

Rich, intelligent, glamorous. Hh!

What's not to love?

-So, what do you say, Ned?

-It's Ed.

Will you let Phil and I be part of the Crosswires for four weeks,

and turn you into the biggest hits since

Ice Road Trucking With The Stars?

Well...

SHE GASPS

-You bet!

-Hooray!

-Huzzah(!)

-Cut!

OK, that was great.

Let's just have a little bit more excitement this time, OK?

And, Ted, not too long on the pause. It's feeling a little staged.

-It's Ed!

-OK, everybody, one more time.

Caught In The Crosswires, episode one. Let's keep it real, folks.

See what I mean?

DOOR BELL CHIMES

It's the first day of shooting our new reality show

and things couldn't be going better.

I only wish my brother Chip could be here, but he's away at school.

Maybe if we get a second season...

'Muffy?'

Hi, Francine. I'll be out in a second.

Who are you talking to?

And why are you hiding in there?

I wasn't hiding.

I'm just talking to my fans in the "private moments" area.

Ah, I think it's called a closet.

We have to do three video diary entries every day.

That's when the camera isn't following us everywhere.

Ah, I never knew it would be this hard.

You've only been filming for a day.

SHE SIGHS

Feels like years. Still, I guess it's for a good cause.

What cause is that? Making people famous for doing nothing?

No!

Providing quality entertainment for people whose

lives are not as interesting as mine.

SHE LAUGHS

OK. Well, I don't suppose a "big star" like you would

want to come to the movies with me?

My mom said she's take us to Galaxy Kittens in 3D.

SHE GASPS

I've been dying to see that, but I have to go to dinner now. Sorry.

What? But it's only three o'clock!

We want to use the daylight.

By the way, you are great as the snarky friend. Genius! Pow!

Thank you, Bailey. Looks wonderful.

Goodness me! What's that on my napkin?

Is that the new, four-door, luxury Credenza on sale at Crosswire Motors?

It is! Wow! That is an amazing deal!

Psst! See what the kid is doing.

Thanks, Bailey.

Ooh, hot!

Did he just serve you scalding hot soup?

-What kind of an animal would do that?

-Um...it's not that hot.

-But what if it was?

-It isn't.

-Or...is it?

-No, it isn't.

I believe that Mr Cube is trying to insinuate that the scene

would be more engaging if you reacted more dramatically, Miss Muffy.

What Jeeves just said. Pow! Genius!

Oh! Well...OK.

Is the soup to your liking, Miss Muffy?

Ow! Oh, no! That's way too hot.

I am most grievously sorry. May I blow on it, Miss Muffy?

Don't bother.

Take it away. My dinner is ruined.

I think we just found our star.

SHE YAWNS

-Bailey!

-Yes, Miss Muffy?

Why haven't my covers been turned down?

And that pillow has not been fluffed! This is unacceptable.

-It shan't happen again, Miss Muffy.

-It better not.

How was that?

Can't you go any faster? I'd like to get there before I turn 80!

I asked for a frittata. This is just an omelette.

PLATE CRASHES

Wire hangers?

Wire hangers!

And if you are one minute late today, that's it, you're going

-back to butler school, Mister.

-Yes, Miss Muffy.

-Why were you being so rude to Bailey?

-Oh, it's just an act.

J-Cube thought it would be great for the show if Bailey

and I fought a lot.

It didn't seem like fighting to me. You were just being mean.

Yeah, but Muffy has to be mean. She's the villain.

What? No, I'm not.

Sure you are. But that's the best role.

Every reality show has someone you love to hate.

In Top Supermarket Clerk, it was Geoff.

That sneaky, little weasel. I still get angry thinking about him.

See, the villains are the most memorable characters.

But I've also been really nice to Bailey.

This morning, I gave him the cherry from my fruit cup.

I think it's going to take more than a cherry to make up

for your performance back there.

How does it feel to be abused by a spoiled, eight-year-old tyrant?

I wouldn't know, Mr Cube.

I've only ever been employed by the most kind

and generous of households.

Yeah, that really wasn't the answer I was looking for.

Wait. Genius idea coming. Pow!

-How's your eyesight, Jeeves?

-Excellent.

Oh, yeah? Can you read this?

I am so very, very miserable.

Great, now, hold this onion.

HE SNIFFS

It was the strangest dream.

I was in a pre-owned, luxury sedan that hardly cost me a cent.

Honey, that was no dream.

There are tons of affordable,

top-of-the-line cars at Crosswire Motors every day.

Bailey! Bailey? It's me. I need to talk to you.

Don't worry, I dodged them.

Do you think I'm coming across as mean and spoiled in this show?

It is a distinct possibility, Miss Muffy.

But...I'm not really like that.

Am I?

No, Miss Muffy.

And, may I be so bold as to ask, am I a spineless jellyfish?

Of course not, Bailey.

You're the bravest, noblest, strongest person I know -

except for Daddy.

Quite.

This is terrible. What are we going to do?

Perhaps, henceforth, we should ignore Mr Cube's suggestions,

and simply treat each other normally.

-Oh!

-Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry, Miss Muffy.

It's all right, Bailey. I'll just change my shirt after breakfast.

What?

Did that bumbling oaf just spill juice all over your priceless

-new dress?

-It's not new, and it was on sale when I bought it.

Crosswires never pay retail. Anyway, it was just an accident.

An accident?

You've been a butler for 50 years

and now this snob is calling you clumsy.

I'm 37, Mr Cube, and Miss Muffy called me no such thing.

Argh!

OK, people, look, I just need this scene

to be a little more exciting, OK?

So, you know, act that way.

-No!

-Excuse me?

If my family isn't exciting enough for you, go film someone else.

But from now on, I'm just going to be myself.

Ha!

Listen, kid, I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, creator of

"There's A Bear In My House" and no-one wants to see a show

about the real you.

You know why? It's boring!

You can't talk to my daughter that way.

I want you both to leave this instant.

That was not an accident.

I asked for fresh strawberries. What's this?

No! No! No!

Bailey!

Bailey!

-IN MONSTER VOICE:

-Bailey!

I am so very, very miserable.

HE SNIFFS

I can't hold this any longer.

Stay tuned for more of the half-hour special -

Caught In The Crosswires: A Family On The Brink.

It's all like that.

G-Cube only had enough footage for a half hour,

but they're going to air it over and over again for three weeks.

Well, I certainly don't have to see any more.

Me neither, and I'm telling everyone I know not to watch.

I won't watch it either.

Thanks, guys. It wasn't a total loss, though.

I got a great idea for a show out of it.

It's called Bad Reality TV Producer.

-That is genius.

-Pow!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd