Caught in the Crosswires Arthur


Caught in the Crosswires

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# Every day when you're walkin' down the street

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# Everybody that you meet

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# Has an original point of view

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-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

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# What a wonderful kind of day If we can learn to work and play

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# And get along with each other

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# You gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat

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# Listen to the rhythm The rhythm of the street

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# Open up your eyes! Open up your ears!

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# Get together and make things better by working together

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# It's a simple message And it comes from the heart

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# Oh, believe in yourself For that's the place to start

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-# And I say, hey!

-Hey!

-What a wonderful kind of day

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# If we can learn to work and play And get along with each other

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# What a wonderful kind of day, hey! What a wonderful kind of day, HEY! #

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Hey, DW!

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-Hey!

-Whoa!

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CRASH!

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Just because someone says something is real,

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doesn't mean it necessarily is.

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Just watch.

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DOOR BELL CHIMES

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May I help you?

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No, Jeeves, but I can help you.

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I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, AKA J-Cube,

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big time genius TV producer. Pow!

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Yeah, and this is Phil.

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PHIL GRUNTS

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I want to put the Crosswires on TV.

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What's going on, Bailey?

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I believe we're being "Punk'd", sir.

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MUFFY GASPS

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Jimmy Johnny Johnson,

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you got my letter!

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Daddy, I read that J-Cube was looking for new reality stars,

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and I said our family would be perfect.

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Rich, intelligent, glamorous. Hh!

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What's not to love?

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-So, what do you say, Ned?

-It's Ed.

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Will you let Phil and I be part of the Crosswires for four weeks,

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and turn you into the biggest hits since

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Ice Road Trucking With The Stars?

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Well...

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SHE GASPS

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-You bet!

-Hooray!

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-Huzzah(!)

-Cut!

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OK, that was great.

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Let's just have a little bit more excitement this time, OK?

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And, Ted, not too long on the pause. It's feeling a little staged.

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-It's Ed!

-OK, everybody, one more time.

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Caught In The Crosswires, episode one. Let's keep it real, folks.

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See what I mean?

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DOOR BELL CHIMES

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It's the first day of shooting our new reality show

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and things couldn't be going better.

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I only wish my brother Chip could be here, but he's away at school.

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Maybe if we get a second season...

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'Muffy?'

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Hi, Francine. I'll be out in a second.

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Who are you talking to?

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And why are you hiding in there?

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I wasn't hiding.

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I'm just talking to my fans in the "private moments" area.

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Ah, I think it's called a closet.

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We have to do three video diary entries every day.

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That's when the camera isn't following us everywhere.

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Ah, I never knew it would be this hard.

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You've only been filming for a day.

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SHE SIGHS

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Feels like years. Still, I guess it's for a good cause.

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What cause is that? Making people famous for doing nothing?

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No!

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Providing quality entertainment for people whose

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lives are not as interesting as mine.

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SHE LAUGHS

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OK. Well, I don't suppose a "big star" like you would

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want to come to the movies with me?

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My mom said she's take us to Galaxy Kittens in 3D.

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SHE GASPS

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I've been dying to see that, but I have to go to dinner now. Sorry.

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What? But it's only three o'clock!

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We want to use the daylight.

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By the way, you are great as the snarky friend. Genius! Pow!

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Thank you, Bailey. Looks wonderful.

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Goodness me! What's that on my napkin?

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Is that the new, four-door, luxury Credenza on sale at Crosswire Motors?

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It is! Wow! That is an amazing deal!

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Psst! See what the kid is doing.

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Thanks, Bailey.

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Ooh, hot!

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Did he just serve you scalding hot soup?

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-What kind of an animal would do that?

-Um...it's not that hot.

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-But what if it was?

-It isn't.

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-Or...is it?

-No, it isn't.

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I believe that Mr Cube is trying to insinuate that the scene

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would be more engaging if you reacted more dramatically, Miss Muffy.

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What Jeeves just said. Pow! Genius!

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Oh! Well...OK.

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Is the soup to your liking, Miss Muffy?

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Ow! Oh, no! That's way too hot.

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I am most grievously sorry. May I blow on it, Miss Muffy?

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Don't bother.

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Take it away. My dinner is ruined.

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I think we just found our star.

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SHE YAWNS

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-Bailey!

-Yes, Miss Muffy?

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Why haven't my covers been turned down?

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And that pillow has not been fluffed! This is unacceptable.

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-It shan't happen again, Miss Muffy.

-It better not.

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How was that?

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Can't you go any faster? I'd like to get there before I turn 80!

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I asked for a frittata. This is just an omelette.

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PLATE CRASHES

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Wire hangers?

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Wire hangers!

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And if you are one minute late today, that's it, you're going

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-back to butler school, Mister.

-Yes, Miss Muffy.

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-Why were you being so rude to Bailey?

-Oh, it's just an act.

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J-Cube thought it would be great for the show if Bailey

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and I fought a lot.

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It didn't seem like fighting to me. You were just being mean.

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Yeah, but Muffy has to be mean. She's the villain.

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What? No, I'm not.

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Sure you are. But that's the best role.

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Every reality show has someone you love to hate.

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In Top Supermarket Clerk, it was Geoff.

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That sneaky, little weasel. I still get angry thinking about him.

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See, the villains are the most memorable characters.

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But I've also been really nice to Bailey.

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This morning, I gave him the cherry from my fruit cup.

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I think it's going to take more than a cherry to make up

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for your performance back there.

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How does it feel to be abused by a spoiled, eight-year-old tyrant?

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I wouldn't know, Mr Cube.

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I've only ever been employed by the most kind

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and generous of households.

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Yeah, that really wasn't the answer I was looking for.

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Wait. Genius idea coming. Pow!

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-How's your eyesight, Jeeves?

-Excellent.

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Oh, yeah? Can you read this?

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I am so very, very miserable.

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Great, now, hold this onion.

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HE SNIFFS

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It was the strangest dream.

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I was in a pre-owned, luxury sedan that hardly cost me a cent.

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Honey, that was no dream.

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There are tons of affordable,

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top-of-the-line cars at Crosswire Motors every day.

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Bailey! Bailey? It's me. I need to talk to you.

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Don't worry, I dodged them.

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Do you think I'm coming across as mean and spoiled in this show?

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It is a distinct possibility, Miss Muffy.

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But...I'm not really like that.

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Am I?

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No, Miss Muffy.

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And, may I be so bold as to ask, am I a spineless jellyfish?

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Of course not, Bailey.

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You're the bravest, noblest, strongest person I know -

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except for Daddy.

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Quite.

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This is terrible. What are we going to do?

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Perhaps, henceforth, we should ignore Mr Cube's suggestions,

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and simply treat each other normally.

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-Oh!

-Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry, Miss Muffy.

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It's all right, Bailey. I'll just change my shirt after breakfast.

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What?

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Did that bumbling oaf just spill juice all over your priceless

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-new dress?

-It's not new, and it was on sale when I bought it.

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Crosswires never pay retail. Anyway, it was just an accident.

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An accident?

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You've been a butler for 50 years

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and now this snob is calling you clumsy.

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I'm 37, Mr Cube, and Miss Muffy called me no such thing.

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Argh!

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OK, people, look, I just need this scene

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to be a little more exciting, OK?

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So, you know, act that way.

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-No!

-Excuse me?

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If my family isn't exciting enough for you, go film someone else.

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But from now on, I'm just going to be myself.

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Ha!

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Listen, kid, I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, creator of

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"There's A Bear In My House" and no-one wants to see a show

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about the real you.

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You know why? It's boring!

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You can't talk to my daughter that way.

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I want you both to leave this instant.

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That was not an accident.

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I asked for fresh strawberries. What's this?

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No! No! No!

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Bailey!

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Bailey!

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-IN MONSTER VOICE:

-Bailey!

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I am so very, very miserable.

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HE SNIFFS

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I can't hold this any longer.

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Stay tuned for more of the half-hour special -

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Caught In The Crosswires: A Family On The Brink.

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It's all like that.

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G-Cube only had enough footage for a half hour,

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but they're going to air it over and over again for three weeks.

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Well, I certainly don't have to see any more.

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Me neither, and I'm telling everyone I know not to watch.

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I won't watch it either.

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Thanks, guys. It wasn't a total loss, though.

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I got a great idea for a show out of it.

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It's called Bad Reality TV Producer.

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-That is genius.

-Pow!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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