Homeless and Angry Bear Behaving Badly


Homeless and Angry

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-Are you ready, Nev?

-Ready, Barney.

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-I'll turn the water on now, OK?

-OK!

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-Here it comes.

-SQUEAKING

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-Oh! Whoa!

-Hang on, here...

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NEV YELLS

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Barney!

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I'll turn it off!

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-Oh!

-Well, I'm soaking wet. You're soaking wet.

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-Oh, oh...

-And the trike's bone dry.

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Mm... Again, again!

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Again!

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-Good job, Nev.

-Yay!

-You take that hosepipe back to Mr Prank, please.

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Angry Pants.

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-If you see him, say thank you for letting us borrow it, OK?

-OK.

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NEV HUMS TO HIMSELF

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# Do-do-do-da-da-do-doo... #

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Excuse me!

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Excuse me, Mr Angry Pants.

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WATER TRICKLES

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Ooh!

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# Doo-doo-doo-do-do... #

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Oh, it's hungry work washing that trike, Nev.

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-Hungry.

-Fancy a biscuit?

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Yeah-yeah!

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-SNORING

-Keith! Have you eaten our biscuits?

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MORE SNORING

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Keith!

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-KEITH WAKE UP!

-Oh, oh, oh, where...

-Are you all right?

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-Yeah, sure thing, mate. I wasn't asleep.

-Yes, you were.

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Nah, I wasn't. I was resting my eyes. I was meditating. I was...

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-Asleep.

-Yeah.

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-In the the afternoon.

-Not in Australia!

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At home I'd get a few zeds right now.

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It's hard for a marsupial to adjust.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Nev, can you get that?

-Yeah-yeah.

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-Keith, you get out of sight - that could be Mr Prank.

-Sure thing, mate.

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-Hello, Mr Angry Pants.

-Achoo!

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I knew it would be you! You always set my allergies off.

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Sorry.

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I want a word with you, bear.

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When I came home from my trip to the hardware shop,

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I found my apartment knee-deep in water.

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Ring any bells?

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Said water came from this hosepipe!

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NEV GIGGLES

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Which I found jammed through my letterbox...

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Oops.

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See that?

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Oh, cute!

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Cute?

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THAT is my armchair - completely shrunk by water damage.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear.

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I wonder if the water would have the same effect on your tiny brain,

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if I shoved this in your ear hole?!

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-Uh-oh...

-HE GROWLS

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Hel-l-l-p...

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-Hello, Mr Prank.

-Hello, Mr Barney, how are you?

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-NEV WHISTLES

-Very well, thanks.

-Good.

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Any word from your uncle Rupert recently?

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Running a Yak rodeo in Mongolia, last I heard.

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He's a great man, your uncle, always been a good boss to me...

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-What can we do for you?

-Nothing, sir.

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Just staying to your animal friend, I've had a small leak in my flat.

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-I hope it doesn't cause you any inconvenience.

-We're all dry here.

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Hear, hear.

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Well I'm very...pleased to hear it.

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-OK then, bye.

-Yes...

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I'll get you...bear! NEV BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Na-na-na-na!

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It was nice of Mr Prank to warn us about the flood.

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-I wonder how it happened.

-Mm... I dunno.

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I'm off to see Beatrice for some biscuits.

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I don't fancy the ones Keith slept on.

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Bye! Love you, Barney.

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-Thanks so much for the biscuits, Beatrice.

-I hope you like them.

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-BANGING

-What?

-Sorry?

-What are they?

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-Biscuits. About five o'clock I think.

-Right I'll go check.

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LOUD BANGING

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-Mr Prank.

-Mr Barney, sir.

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-Um...what are you doing?

-I'll sleep out here for a couple of nights -

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till the flat dries out.

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I hope it doesn't cause any inconvenience.

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-Is there nowhere else you can go?

-No, sir, can't afford a hotel -

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not even on the generous wages your uncle pays.

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-What about staying with friends.

-With what?

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Never mind.

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Lovely piece of work that.

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BANGING STARTS AGAIN

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DOOR BANGS

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Biccies, yum-yum!

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Nev, that leak in Mr Prank's flat,

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it wasn't anything to do with the hosepipe, was it?

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# Doo-doo-loo-doo-loo... #

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Nev, did you put the hosepipe through Mr Prank's letter box?

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-Sorry, Barney.

-Don't apologise to me. He's sleeping in the corridor!

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-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Listen,

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I think we should give him his tea and let him spend the night.

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-No, no, no!

-Have a heart!

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Come and look at the poor guy.

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-Oh...

-NEV SIGHS

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What do you say?

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'Come on, Nev, let him in. You know it makes sense.

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'Don't let a duck tell you what to do. Who cares about Angry Pants.

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'But, Nev, it's your fault he's sleeping in the corridor.

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'You filled his flat with water.

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-'Filled it with water?

-Yeah, it's like a duck pond in there.

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-'Cor, sounds fantastic. Are you swimming?

-You asking?

-I'm asking.

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-'I'm swimming!

-Yeah!'

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Now, Shelly, nice and snug, there you go.

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-What do you say, Nev?

-Mm...OK.

-Good bear.

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Excuse me, Mr Prank.

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Mr Barney, sir.

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We wondered if you'd like to join us for dinner?

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Achoo!

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Oh...yeah-yeah.

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-Dinner?

-Yeah. And you can sleep over in our spare bed.

-Comfy.

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-If you're sure it's not too much trouble.

-It'd be our pleasure.

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Thank you, that's very kind.

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Thank you, Mr Barney, sir.

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Thank you, bear. Achoo!

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Very kind, very kind. NEV SQUEAKS

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Ouch!

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-Can I offer you a cup of tea?

-Oh, that'd be lovely, thank you.

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-Don't think you got away with ruining my flat, bear!

-Ooh...

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-In fact I'm gonna flatten you like a tortilla...

-Milk and sugar?

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Just milk, thank you, sir.

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Then I'm gonna roll you up like an enchilada and stuff you with onions.

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Can't scare me!

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-Scare you? I'm gonna...

-Help yourself to biscuits by the way.

-Oh,

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thank you, sir, thank you.

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Then I'm gonna snap you like a taco and dip you...

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-There you go, milk, no sugar.

-Lovely, thank you.

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Hey, Nev, since we've got a dinner guest I'll nip out for more beans.

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-No-no-no-no!

-I'll be ten minutes. You can look after Mr Prank.

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-No way, Jose.

-Let me get this for you, sir.

-Thank you.

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There we are... We'll be fine. Don't you worry.

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-See you in a bit.

-Bye-bye. HE LAUGHS

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DOOR SLAMS

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Right, bear, it's just you and me...

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-I'm gonna pickle you like a jalapeno...

-Sorry, forgot my keys.

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-MR PRANK LAUGHS

-See you.

-Bye-bye.

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Then I'm going to ship you off to Guadalajara and...

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Bear? BEAR?

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Where are you, bear?

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SNORING

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-MR PRANK CACKLES

-Can't scare me!

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-I'll find you!

-OH!

-Oh!

-MR PRANK RANTS ON

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Oh, Nev, why are you creeping around like that?

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-Sorry, Keith.

-Don't you know what time it is,

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in Brisbane?

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-I dunno.

-I get it. You're hiding from that Angry Pants again.

-Yeah!

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-What's he doing in your flat, Nev?

-Moved in.

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Moved in?! What a drag.

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-If you wanna come and live with me, buddy, you're welcome.

-Yeah-yeah!

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-You'll never need to go upstairs.

-Shoobadee-ah!

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Barney'll miss you though, mate.

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Barney...

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-Yeah, I'll bet he doesn't want Angry Pants living with him.

-No way, Jose.

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-So perhaps you should go back upstairs after all.

-Yeah-yeah.

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SMASHING KEITH TREMBLES

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-Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

-MR PRANK RANTS

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Then I'll...

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Aha!

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Come out, come out, wherever you are.

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Achoo!

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Yeuch...

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-I know you're close whenever I snee-eeze!

-Hello!

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Gotcha! Say your bear prayers...bear.

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-Barney, Barney.

-Hi, Nev.

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-Have you been good for Mr Prank?

-Yeah-yeah.

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Good as gold, Mr Barney. Wouldn't have known he was here.

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Well, I've got the extra beans. Who's hungry?

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Brrrrrr...

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PARP!

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This is nice, isn't it?

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Yeah-yeah.

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Those beans on toast were lovely, Mr Barney.

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Fa-fa-fa-fa... You really should give me the recipe some time.

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It's one of Beatrice's. You should come round more often.

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Love you, Mr Angry Pants.

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Listen, you can sleep on here tonight. I hope it's comfortable.

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Oh, oh, yes, yes.

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I do hope my snoring doesn't keep you awake.

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I wouldn't worry, I can sleep through a thunderstorm.

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Really...

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Yeah, I could sleep through a hurricane.

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Oh, that's interesting.

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Could you sleep through say... I don't know...

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a small animal being mashed to a pulp?

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-Oh...

-What?

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What? Oh, I was just saying I'm a bit tired, I might turn in early.

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Goodnight, bear. Sweet dreams!

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-HE GULPS

-Fwightened.

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Oh, I am so tired tonight, Nev. I'm gonna sleep like a log.

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Goodnight, Barney.

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I'll be asleep as soon as my head hits the...

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HE SNORES

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Barney?

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Barney?

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-A DOG BARKS

-Oh... Oh...

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NEV WHIMPERS A CAT MIAOWS

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-CLATTERING

-Fwightened.

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SPOOKY NOISES

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Tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet.

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Aaargh!

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Barney!

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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Uh-oh.

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NEV GASPS

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MR PRANK YELLS

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-Oh...

-Yah!

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Yah! Yah!

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NEV PANTS AND GASPS

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YELLING

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-Help!

-Yaaargh!

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NEV SHRIEKS

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MR PRANK YELLS

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Help! Help! Help! Waa-aah!

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Yaaaargh!

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NEV SCREAMS

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-HE PANTS

-Fwightened.

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Barney.

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Barney, drink, please.

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RATTLING

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Can't scare me!

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SNORING

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FLOORBOARD CREAKS

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SNORING CONTINUES

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CREAKING

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LOUD CREAK Achoo!

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-SNORING CONTINUES

-Phew!

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Oh! Oh!

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HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

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Oooh, sleepy pants.

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-G'day, Nevvy!

-Waa-aa-aah!

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WAA-AA-AA-AAH!

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Didn't scare you there, did I?

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It's that bear, innit? NEV WAILS

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I know it's that bear!

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Listen, I'll make myself scarce. You might want to stay out his way too.

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MR PRANK SCREAMS

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CRASH! CRUNCHING AND SCREAMS

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-Oooh, that must've hurt. Wackadoo! Take care, Nev.

-Waa-aah!

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CREAKING

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I'll get you, bear. I'll get you.

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Yaa-aa-aargh!

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HE GROWLS

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-WAAAAAH!

-I should warn you, bear,

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I'm not at my best when I've just woken up.

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-I tend to be a bit grouchy!

-WAAAAAH!

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Ooooh, fwightened!

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So you should be...bear!

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-I'm gonna destroy you.

-No-o-o!

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Can't catch me!

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Na-na-na-na.

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Help! Barney, Barney!

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GENTLE SNORING

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HE CHORTLES

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B-B-Barney!

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Oh, dear, I don't think Mr Barney's gonna wake up.

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No-one to save you this time...bear.

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Can't catch me, blaa-rrph!

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Here I am. Ha, ha!

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Yaaaargh!

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BEAR!

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Groovy!

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I'LL GET YOU, BEAR!

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I know you're out here, bear. I'll find ya.

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HE SNIFFS

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Aha!

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Got ya! Oh...

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Can't catch me! Ha, ha!

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-Where are you, bear?

-Secret.

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Gotcha!

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh! Oh, Shelly, I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else.

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-Na-na-na-na-na! Night-night!

-DOOR SLAMS

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Bear?

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Bear!

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-Oh...

-Bear! Bear!

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Mr Barney! 'Scuse me, Mr Barney.

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I'm sorry, I...

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seem to have locked myself out.

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Mr Barney!

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Mr Barney!

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# Mr Barney. #

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Nev, is that you?

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Yes, Barney.

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-Can you try not to make so much noise, please.

-Sorry, Barney.

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That's OK.

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Love you, Barney.

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COCKEREL CROWS

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-Ah... Hey, morning, Nev.

-Hello.

-Did you sleep well?

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Mm...

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-I hardly slept at all.

-Huh?!

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I had this really weird dream,

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that elephants stampeded through the flat.

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Then one of them started shouting at me,

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going, "Mr Barney, sir, please let me in!"

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It was really freaky.

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Oh, that's strange. Mr Prank's already got up and left.

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Confused.

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He's left the flat in a real mess.

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-We won't be inviting him round again.

-Yeah-yeah.

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Anyway, come on, let's finish off those beans.

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Yaa-aa-aargh!

0:20:550:20:56

No way, Jose.

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