Strictly Dumb Dancing Bear Behaving Badly

-COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

-# Doo-doo doo, doo-doo doo...#

-BARNEY SNORES

-Morning! Barney!

Eh? Hey, good morning!

Oh, wow! This is a real treat.

I've got a day off, and breakfast in bed.

What are we having? Oh...

blueberry ice cream and, em...

and sausage. That's interesting, that.

-Yum-yum!

-It's a lovely thought. Thank you very much.

-Hey! Today's the big day!

-Oh! Again, again, again!

OK. "Mr Barney Harwood has been nominated as best TV presenter.

"Please join us, at the Milton Park Lane Hotel, for the award ceremony."

-Groovy!

-It sure is, mate. I wish you could come too.

"An evening meal, dress formal."

Oh, that reminds me! I'd better go and try my dinner jacket on.

-It's been a while since I wore it.

-Aye-aye, Captain!

-Thanks for sticking it through the wash.

-Yeah-yeah!

-Oh, no!

DUM-DUM-DUUUM!

-Aaaaargh!

-It's OK, Nev. I know it's not your fault.

-It must have shrunk in the wash.

-Uh-oh!

-I'll have to nip into town

and get a new jacket. What time have I got to be there by tonight?

Thank you. Aw, no way!

-DUM-DUM-DUUUM!

-What way?

I didn't notice this before! It says there's dancing at the party.

-Tip-top-a-roo!

-BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS

-But I can't dance.

-MUSIC STOPS

-Why?

-I don't know. I've just never been able to... Look,

-I'll show you.

-TURNS RADIO ON

More! More!

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oops!

See? I told you I'm a rubbish dancer.

-Nev, what am I gonna do?

-Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I'll see you later, Nev. I'll be back as soon as I get my new jacket.

-Love you.

-When I get back, maybe we can learn to dance.

-Tip-top-a-roo!

-Nice one. See you in a bit. Morning, Postie.

-Morning.

-Hey, Nev. Did I hear that you were wanting to learn to dance?

-Um...

Well, you're in luck, because I'm an expert! We need some music.

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh! Ow!

-Eh... OK.

-FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

-please, please, please, please, please!

-Miaow!

What's that, Bandit? You said, "please"?

-Rowwwr!

-Please, please, please, please, please, please,

-please, please, please, please, please...

-All right! Very well...

Bouncer Boy. I WILL help you with your homework.

What is it we have to do?

-It's a maths test.

-Ah! Well, that's easy.

Maths was always one of my best subjects.

Mummy didn't think so. But it was. TEAR-JERKING MUSIC PLAYS

Maths is a piece of cake, dear nephew.

All you need are two things -

a clear mind and peace and quiet. MUSIC STOPS

That's three things, innit?

Er... Yeah, well... Let's go to my flat. It's nice and quiet there.

MR PRANKS GROANS

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

-Ay-ay-ay!

-Shibidee-ah!

Ole!

See? Keep the head straight.

And remember, it's all in the eyes.

Ay-eeeee! Ole!

Ole! Ole! Ole!

Ole! Ole! Mwah!

FEET STOMP, FLAMENCO PLAYS Oh! Oh, strewth!

Cor! Me old ceiling's not looking too clever. I hope it's not termites.

I hate termites! Pesky blighters. THEY SQUEAK

Oi, you crazy critters! If you want to eat wood, find a forest!

Oh, no! I'd better warn Nev. Cos if they're in my ceiling,

they might be in his floor, too. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Right. OK. Right now... This is... It's...

No. No, it's not. It's...

-No! I had it. I had in me head then.

-Ole! Ole! >

-FLAMENCO PLAYS LOUDER

-4 x 9 doesn't equal 3!

-Even I know that!

-I know!

-Uncle's no good at maths.

-It's hard to be good at anything

with t-t-that racket disturbing your concentration!

Now, then. It's... It is!

Um... 9 x 4 is... one, two, three, four...

-CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh!

I love the crazy Caribbean beats! Yeah!

Right... Now we're warmed up, it's time to try

-one of my favourite dances - the limbo!

-What's that?

-It's when you dance under the pole in time to the music.

-Uh-oh!

Oh, come on! You can do it. Come on.

That's it. That's it. Give it all you've got.

-Shibidee-ah!

-POSTIE LAUGHS

-Doo-be-doo.

-Go on.

-Shibidee-ah!

-Yay!

-Go, Nev!

-I win, I win!

-I win!

-Psst! Nev, mate... it's termites. In your floor.

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER

-Nev!

-Yay!

-No joy here! You'll have to sort this out yourself, Keith.

-Groovy!

-Now, what we have to do here is...

BOUNCER SNORES If we carry the two over there,

that will mean that we've got one, er...one milk bottle left...

on the doorstep. Which, er... Which should give us, er...

-Shibidee-ah!

-Now remember,

-it's important to keep balanced on your heels. Ready?

-OK!

Aaaaaarrrgghh!

-Postie!

-Aaargh!

-Uh-oh!

THUD! Uuuhhhh! That's it!

-That's it!

-Where are you going? We haven't finished yet!

I'm going to put an end to the noise!

That's where I'm going. DOOR SLAMS

Miaow!

Oh, Mr Prank!

-What a wonderful surprise!

-Yes, well, if you'll excuse me...

-I'm in a rage!

-Oh, he's so masterful!

Aaaat-chooo!

-Hello, Mr Angry Pants!

-Since we aren't on the beaches of Barbados,

or in some dodgy disco in downtown Dominica,

then why is this infernal racket blazing out?

-Smile, please!

-Smile? I'll give you...

Aaaaat-chooo!

I'll give you a smile!

This is all your fault...bear!

The racket, the banging... MR PRANK SNIFFLES

-..the allergies. This is all down to you, isn't it?

-Excuse me!

-Run!

-It kissed me!

A bear kissing me! Eurgh!

Oh. So that's where the noise is coming from. I might have guessed.

-Turn it off, bear.

-No way, Jose!

BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYS Oh, yeah. Turn it off,

-else I'll turn you into a blue bear sorbet.

-Can't scare me!

CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

Come here, bear.

-Shibidee-ah!

-I'll give you shibidee-ah!

CREAK! Ow! Oh! Oh, me back!

Again! Again! Ha-ha!

MUSIC STOPS

Ah, at last. Peace and quiet.

Now...to deal with you, my snaggle-eared nemesis!

You can't hide from me...bear.

CREAK! Oh! Oh! Ah!

Well, you may have got away this time,

but I'll get you back...bear!

What am I doing?!

DOOR SLAMS

-NEV PANTS

-Fwightened.

Frightened? Ah, nothing to be frightened of down here, Nev, mate.

-FEET STOMP Just the termites up there.

-Confused.

I tried to tell you earlier. They're up there, in the timbers.

-Little creepy-crawlies, burrowing about.

-Nothing.

I know you can't see them - they're clever like that.

I'm gonna drill some boreholes and find the little blighters.

DRILL REVS Crazy Keith's coming to get you!

DRILL WHIRRS

So, Nev, how's the dancing going?

Nev? Nev?!

Oh. DRILL REVS

-When will you have all the answers ready, Uncle?

-Don't worry.

The situation has been sorted. I don't expect any more interruptions.

Now, then. Where was I? Oh, the chalk, yes...

CREAK! Ohhh!

-Not again!

-Miaow!

Hey, Nev!

I'm home. I've got the jacket.

But we don't have much time if I'm gonna learn to dance.

-Here I am.

-Hello, mate. I didn't see you there.

Have you had any ideas of how to teach my two left feet

-how to twirl the light fantastic?

-Yeah-yeah! Postie!

Oh, wow! You HAVE come up with a plan. Brilliant!

-What is it?

-A box.

OK, Nev...let's get dancing. Turn her on.

-'Hello, dancers!'

-Hello!

-'Simon Sparkles here. Simon says,

'"Put on your shoes, put on a smile and let's get dancing."

'Right foot on two. Left foot on one.

'Right foot on three. Left foot on four.

-'That's two...one...three and four.'

-Hm.

-'Two...

'one...three and four. Ready?

'Let's sway! Sway...sway... sway and clap.

-'Sway...sway...sway and clap.'

-Tip-top-a-roo!

DRILL WHIRRS Ha-ha!

I'm gonna find you little things.

OK. What you need to do is... you put four,

plus your nine, plus your seven, then minus the seven.

Which means you don't really need to add it at all. No, OK...

This is nine...plus the four,

-plus the seven, is, er...

-Miaow!

KNOCKING

-Nev, it's Beatrice.

-Groovy!

-I brought some cake for you and Barney to test.

-Love you, beetroot!

'Left foot on one, right foot on three. Looking good!

'You're a natural!'

Barney! What are you boys up to?

-Disco!

-Dancing.

-Disco dancing?

-Yeah-yeah!

-No. I'm going to an award ceremony later on,

and look, there's gonna be dancing.

-Except...

-You can't dance.

-No.

-Would you like me to show you?

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Smile, please!

-Quick!

-And one and two and three...

-GLASS SMASHES

-Uh-oh!

-Miaow!

-Uncle, why is it always so noisy in here?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I thought you sorted it.

-Yeah, 40...48!

-Uncle!

-No, 49.

-Uncle. Uncle. Uncle...

-MUSIC GETS LOUDER

I warned that blue fur-ball. I warned him!

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Maybe you should take up something safer, like...

-mountain climbing, or lion taming.

-Yeah-yeah!

No, I am going to the ceremony, and I'm going to learn to dance

-if it is the last thing I do.

-Uh-oh!

-Seriously. Nothing's gonna stop me.

-KNOCKING

A man can't think with all this din.

MR PRANK GROWLS

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

My cake! Aw!

Is it all right?

-I like the hint of lemon.

-Yum-yum!

Aaa...aaa...

aaat-chooo!

Bear! Music! What's going on here?

Aaat-chooo!

Mr Pants... Eh, Mr Prank. Sorry.

Beatrice was just giving me a dancing lesson. Did we disturb you?

Dancing, you say? As in...

-ballroom?

-Uh-oh.

-Disco, actually. We've not got round to ballroom yet.

-In that case...

let there be music. BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS

And...let the lesson...begin.

-ALL:

-Lesson?!

-Oh, yes.

I was once the Blackpool and District Cha-cha-cha Champion.

-Cha-cha-cha champion?

-No-no-no-no!

-Oh, yes. Everyone watching?

Good. Now, we have to remain relaxed...

in the hip, OK? And it's...

step, step, cha-cha-cha.

Step, step, cha-cha-cha.

-We bend and we straighten the leg.

-Leg, Mr Prank?

-Yes.

The weighted leg has to be straight. The straighter the better,

if you want to be a champiano, like me.

Mummy always said that I had legs like table legs -

they were so straight.

KEITH PANTS

Step, step, cha-cha-cha. It's very easy. Join in.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

You have to warn Mr Prank about Crazy Keith's drilling,

-or he'll fall through the floor.

-Ah!

-Let him fall!

-Oh, but you can't do that!

-I'm the bad duck. That's me job!

-Confused.

Excuse me!

-Excuse me, Mr Angry Pants.

-What is it...bear?

Er...nothing.

-And the legs go straight.

-Thanks, Mr Prank. I've got the hang of it now.

And step, step... FLOORBOARDS CREEK

Cha-cha-cha!

MUSIC STOPS, MR PRANK COUGHS

Ooooh!

Get me out of here!

Er, never mind.

Ha-ha-ha!

-Well, good luck. I'm sure you'll have a great night.

-I hope so.

-Remember you don't have two left feet any more. Only one.

-I will.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

-Oh, my cake!

-BEATRICE WHIMPERS

On this occasion, bear, I will consider a truce.

Aaat-choo!

-Can't make me!

-Only because I've got to help young Bouncer Boy

-with his homework.

-Mm.

-MR PRANK LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

-What?!

-THEY LAUGH

Oh, wackadoo! Ha-ha!

Having termites in the ceiling was bad enough.

But having Angry Pants up there's even worse!

It's true! Emu feathers are the tickliest in the animal kingdom!

KEITH SNIFFS Pwoar! Pah!

Ha-ha!

Really...bear. This is no laughing matter.

THEY LAUGH Homework is very...

-Ha-ha!

-Homework is very impor... important!

-Cha-cha-cha!

-MR PRANK'S LAUGHTER ECHOES

Aw, mate, it was so cool!

-I wish you and Beatrice could've come.

-Why?

Cos you're my mates. To see me get my award. By the way, the dancing -

-brilliant! Thanks to you. I didn't fall over once.

-No way, Jose!

-I'm glad they were finally able to free Mr Prank.

-Me too.

It's hard to believe it took eight firemen and a bar of soap.

He's a strange man, Mr Prank. He was laughing the whole time.

Anyway... Night-night, mate.

-Love you.

-I love you, too.

-Night-night.

-Night.

-Night-night.

-Love you lots.

-Love you.

-Love you 20 times.

-Love you, Barney.

-30 times.

-Barney.

-40.

-Love you.

-Infinite!

-Barney.

-Love you, Barney.

-Love you, too.