Gnome Laughing Matter Bear Behaving Badly


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Gnome Laughing Matter

Comedy series starring Barney Harwood and Nev the bear. Aunt Barbara's new gnome is sent to spy on the block, and it learns some devastating secrets.


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Transcript


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GIGGLING

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OK, mate, I'll be really quick.

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When I get back, I'll make dinner for Beatrice.

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Don't forget to set the table!

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Aye aye, Captain! Ha-ha-ha!

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Hello, Aunt Barbara.

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What's that?

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Barney, dear boy, are you blind?

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It's a gnome!

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I thought we could have something to brighten up the place a bit.

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-Fair enough.

-Is that my favourite poochie there?

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-Ruff, ruff!

-Ahhh.

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Here we go then, Nevvy doggy.

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Wait for it...wait for it!

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And...go!

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HE MUNCHES

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Yum yum!

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Good doggy.

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Now, where are you off to?

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-Supermarket.

-Got yourself a proper job at last?!

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-No, I'm going shopping.

-Splendid!

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You can give me a lift with all my heavy shopping bags.

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I'm sure your manager won't mind.

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-Actually...

-Tally ho, boys!

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-I've got my own shopping to do...

-Love you, Barney.

-Love you too.

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Oh.

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HE GASPS

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Hello, Gnomey.

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All right, Nevvy! NEV SCREAMS

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So, who's the little fella?

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Gnomey.

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Ugly little blighter, isn't he?

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Oh! It's old Angry Pants! I'm outta here!

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Hello, Mr Angry Pants.

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Hello, Bear.

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Achooo!

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Yucky!

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Mr Barney's given me permission

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to use his kitchen for my ice-cream making today.

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Let him foot the humungous electricity bill rather than me!

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No way, Jose!

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Look. Keep your mouth shut and I'll let you lick the ice-cream scoop.

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Yeah, yeah!

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Barely get the chance to make any ice cream, with busybody Barbara,

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poking her nose where it's not wanted.

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Hello. Where did that thing come from?

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Barbara.

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Frightened!

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What?! You're scared of a stupid little gnome!

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Pull yourself together, Bear!

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While the cat's away, it's ice-cream making day!

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Come on! Ha-ha-ha!

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Mmm, beats my usual caretaking duties.

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This little lot should see me well into next week.

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Licky scoop, please.

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Not now, Bear!

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I've only got a tiny window of opportunity to replenish my stock

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while old busybody Barbara is out!

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Now, please!

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HE SHRIEKS

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BEAR!

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Now look what you've made me do!

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I'm gonna have to make some more now!

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-Looky!

-Looky! At what?! The cupboard? The washing machine?!

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Gnomey!

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Gnomey. Oh, the gnome that was outside is now in there.

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Yeah-yeah! Frightened!

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Oh. I've had enough of your shenanigans, Bear.

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And to prove a point...

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Ta-da!

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Ahhh! Gone!

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Gone! It wasn't there in the first place!

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Now, you watch the gogglebox and let me graft in peace.

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Onions!

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Discovered! You are not a dog.

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You are a bear.

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Gnome report to Mistress Barbara. Your secret's out.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ahhhhhhhhh!

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What did you say, Bear?

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Hi-i-i-ya!

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You see, Doris, it's all about balance.

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Hi-i-i-ya!

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PANTING

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-Keith!

-G'day. Hi-i-iya!

0:04:290:04:32

-Hiya!

-Hi-i-i-ya!

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-Hiya.

-I said g'day, mate, now will you leave it? Hi-i-i-ya!

0:04:340:04:38

-Hiya.

-Ohh, strewth, Nevvy!

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Crazy Keith, help!

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-What's up, mate?

-Gnomey! Problemo!

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Gnome? Ahh, nothing old Keithy here can't sort out, I'm sure.

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-Confused.

-It's just a gnome.

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Can't do anybody any harm!

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Ah! The gnome's gone!

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-Frightened!

-Who moved it?! Angry Pants?

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Postie, I'll bet.

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-Well, it can't just have took off by itself, can it?

-Yeah!

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Nah, you must have this wrong, Nev.

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Gnomes can't go walkabout like us. It's impossible!

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Ahhhh!

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Discovered! Underground Koala infestation!

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Gnome report to Mistress Barbara. Ha-ha-ha!

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Wackadoo!

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I don't believe it! I've been rumbled by a spy gnome!

0:05:310:05:36

Ohhhh!

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# Oh, I do like to earn lots of moolah

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# Oh, I do like to earn lots of dough...#

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Angry Pants! Quick!

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Not you again, Bear!

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Gnomey...

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Yes, is out in the hall!

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Let me tell you a story about the bear that cried wolf.

0:05:530:05:57

Once upon a time...

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Discovered, illegal ice-cream-making!

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Report to Mistress Barbara! Top priority!

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Why, you sneaky little...

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Mundo problemo!

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Oh, that gnome has got photographic evidence

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of my dodgy ice-cream activities!

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Oh, and if Miss Barbara finds out about my moonlighting,

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she'll sack me on the spot! Oh...

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Oh, and if I don't have a job,

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I won't get the flat that goes with it.

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And then I'll be homeless and jobless and penniless!

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HE CRIES

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Oh, never mind.

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Never mind? Never mind?!

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This is a catastrophe on an unimaginable scale!

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But I won't take this lying down.

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We need to mobilise, join forces to defeat the foe!

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Are you in, Bear?

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-Yeah!

-Good! Then we'll get tooled up,

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and rendezvous in the hallway in ten minutes!

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Oh...mmmm.

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GO, GO, GO, GO!

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Right...

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-Crazy Keith!

-Ah! Good of you to drop in Down Under, Nev, my old buddy!

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Just packing up my stuff. We're moving out!

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Oh, not sure the remote's worth taking without the telly, Doris!

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Here, Nevvy, what are you keeping as a souvenir?

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-Oh, confused!

-Ah, we've got to split

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before the gnome dobs me in to Aunt Barbara

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and she calls in the pest controller.

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Better to leave on my own four paws than in a box,

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-if you know what I mean...

-Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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..which sort of means I've got to say goodbye.

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Oh-oh!

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I-I'm going to miss you, Nevvy!

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And Barney, and Beatrice, and even old Angry Pants up there!

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No way, Jose!

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Oh, come here!

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THEY SOB AND WAIL

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I'll never forget you, mate!

0:08:120:08:14

-I love you, Crazy Keith!

-Oh!

0:08:140:08:18

Feel a little lonely!

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Here I am!

0:08:340:08:35

Achoo!

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Why are you wet?

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Um...stuff.

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Oh, and what's that?

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Um...uh-oh!

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And what are you going to do with that? Pathetic! Get rid of it!

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Oh!

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All right, it could have its uses. Now then, listen.

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You are about to embark on what I have cleverly called

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Operation Gnome Laughing Matter.

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Quite clever, that, I thought, you know!

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Rather a good play on words, "Gnome"... Anyway, this...

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..is our target. Approach with caution.

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Last seen in the vicinity of Mr Barney's Breakfast Bar,

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in possession of a camera containing photographs

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of me doing rather naughty ice-cream stuff. Understand?

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Oh! Aye aye, Captain!

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We need to locate and apprehend the target

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before he passes on said evidence to his superior.

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Hmmm, confused!

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We need to get him before he drops me in it with Miss Barbara. Get it?

0:09:370:09:41

-Oops!

-Right, well, I am a maverick. I play by my rules...

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..but I get results. Let's do it, Nevster!

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Aaaaaargh!

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Get him, then! Oooh!

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Oh! Gone!

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Well, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

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Come here, you little blighter!

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Aaargh!

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Oh! Angry Pants!

0:10:110:10:13

Gnomey gone!

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Yeah, well, thanks for pointing that out, Bear!

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I'll fix that later, if I've still got a job!

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GLASS SMASHES

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Oh! There he is! Run!

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Don't let him get away!

0:10:290:10:30

Out of my way, Bear!

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Where's he got to now? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

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-Hot!

-We need to do a clean sweep,

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eliminate the rooms from our enquiries,

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and then do that thing where they shout, "CLEAR!"

0:10:450:10:47

Aye aye, Captain!

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Now, to nick a villain, you've got to kick in a few doors.

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Groovy!

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But that's mine. We won't start with that one.

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-Oh! Oh! Oh!

-CHARGE!

0:10:590:11:02

Ow!

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Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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Careful, mate! Have you seen my boomerang, Nevvy?

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Right, Bear, I'm the one who kicks in the doors!

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-Aye aye, Captain!

-Right, let's get him!

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Ooh, ooh, ooh... Ooh, ooh, ooh!

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Ha, ha! Ha-ha-ha!

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Oh...a pesky gnome isn't going to outsmart me!

0:11:360:11:40

But where's he gone?

0:11:400:11:42

Oh, he must be in the kitchen!

0:11:470:11:50

Right! I'm going in. On a count of three, Bear, cover me!

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Ready?

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One, two, three!

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A-ha!

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No, I didn't mean cover me like that, Bear!

0:12:150:12:18

Oops!

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Get me out of here, Bear!

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Ha-ha! Wackadoo!

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Oh... Oh, I'm going to miss this, Doris.

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Oh...

0:12:300:12:31

Where did the gnome go, Bear?

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Um, outside!

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Right! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go...

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-Right, Bear, let's try again.

-Yeah-yeah!

-Cover me!

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Well cool - just like in the movies.

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Whooarrgh!

0:13:010:13:02

-Who left that there?

-I know, I know!

0:13:020:13:05

Gnomey!

0:13:070:13:09

GUN SQUEAKS

0:13:090:13:11

What's wrong with this? Oh! OI!

0:13:110:13:13

So, you want to play it like that, do you, Gnomey?

0:13:200:13:24

You want a face off? We'll give you a face off!

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Won't we, Bear? Yeah!

0:13:270:13:28

ENGINE STARTS

0:13:290:13:31

Discovered! Mr Prank is owner of ice-cream van!

0:13:330:13:36

Report to Mistress Barbara! Must ask for a bonus!

0:13:360:13:41

I've been snapped in this thing now! I'm done for! Achoo!

0:13:430:13:50

Go, go, go, go!

0:13:510:13:53

Gnomey!

0:13:530:13:56

ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS

0:13:560:13:59

Boomerang - check.

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Sunnies - check.

0:14:010:14:04

Snap of my old buddies to put under my pillow

0:14:040:14:07

before I cry myself to sleep in some strange bed - check. Cork hat?!

0:14:070:14:12

Ah, not seen it. Have you seen it, Doris?

0:14:120:14:16

Ah, wackadoo!

0:14:170:14:20

-Oh, yeah!

-Groovy!

0:14:300:14:32

Oh, he's gone back inside! Let's move!

0:14:320:14:37

-'Baa!'

-Hmmm.

-'Lemonade, 25, Code Six...'

0:14:370:14:41

Oh, never mind!

0:14:410:14:44

Oh, now, you guys, take care of Nevvy for me.

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Make sure he washes behind his ears.

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COME OUT! Come out...

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..wherever you are!

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Now, you wouldn't be behind this shower curtain, would you, Gnome?

0:14:560:15:02

Maybe it's time you gave yourself up!

0:15:020:15:06

Where is he?!

0:15:100:15:14

So long, Angry Pants. Oh!

0:15:140:15:17

Oh, outwitted by a gnome!

0:15:190:15:22

-Maybe I don't deserve to be in such a high-powered job.

-Yeah-yeah!

0:15:220:15:27

-I meant, no way, Jose! I love you, Mr Angry Pants.

-Good.

0:15:280:15:32

In that case, go and get me some milk out of the fridge, Bear.

0:15:320:15:36

Aye aye, Captain!

0:15:360:15:38

Aaaaargh!

0:15:400:15:42

Got him!

0:15:420:15:44

Well done, Bear!

0:15:460:15:47

Can't catch me! Na, na, na-na, na!

0:15:470:15:50

Oh! Mundo problemo!

0:15:540:15:57

Let him go! Get off him!

0:15:580:16:00

Frightened!

0:16:000:16:03

Quick, hold my hand, Bear! That's it!

0:16:030:16:06

Hang on!

0:16:080:16:10

It's no good, Bear! I'm not strong enough to hold you!

0:16:200:16:23

There's only one thing for it!

0:16:230:16:24

The camera - give it him back!

0:16:240:16:26

Aaaargh!

0:16:280:16:29

-Let's go!

-Run!

-Go, go, go, go, go!

0:16:290:16:35

Ice cream - tasty! Discovered by me!

0:16:350:16:41

-Almost...there!

-If my frozen produce has melted,

0:16:410:16:46

I shall be sending you the bill!

0:16:460:16:49

What is that infernal noise?

0:16:490:16:51

What's all this?

0:16:510:16:53

That van is always clogging up the street.

0:16:530:16:56

Must find out who owns the thing.

0:16:560:16:58

-Maybe the ice-cream man.

-Oh, I feel quite jaded after that little jaunt.

0:16:580:17:04

I need a rest. Can you bring my bags in, please, Barney?

0:17:040:17:08

Oh! Sure, Aunt Barbara!

0:17:080:17:09

It's not like I've got a meal to prepare for Beatrice, or anything.

0:17:090:17:13

Oh, do shut up moaning, dear boy.

0:17:130:17:15

Here you are, you can carry them. Come on, hurry up!

0:17:150:17:18

Well, well, well. If it isn't that "couldn't care less" caretaker.

0:17:200:17:24

And what exactly is going on in here?

0:17:240:17:26

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

0:17:260:17:29

-And where has my gnome got to?

-Mr Prank? Nev? Everything OK?

0:17:290:17:34

I'd like to say I'll be able to explain, Mr Barney, sir,

0:17:340:17:39

Miss Barbara, sir - ma'am - but I think it would take all day.

0:17:390:17:43

Down, down, there's a good dog!

0:17:430:17:45

Down. Spy Gnome.

0:17:450:17:48

Return to base. Repeat, return to base.

0:17:480:17:53

-Report to base. Report to mistress.

-Aunt Barbara, what ARE you doing?

0:17:530:17:59

I'm calling my ears and eyes.

0:17:590:18:00

It's about time I found out exactly what was going on around here

0:18:000:18:04

when my back was turned.

0:18:040:18:06

-Oh, woof woof!

-Return to base.

-It's been a pleasure to serve you all.

0:18:060:18:10

Are you telling me that that garden gnome isn't just a garden gnome?

0:18:100:18:14

It's a spy gnome?

0:18:140:18:15

Oh, yes, Barney, dear.

0:18:150:18:17

Hi, everyone!

0:18:170:18:18

-Incredible!

-Oh, thanks. Had it done especially for the meal.

0:18:180:18:22

Oh, no, not you - Beatrice.

0:18:220:18:24

Nip inside and I'll rustle you up a nice tea.

0:18:240:18:26

Nev's laid the table, and we're all sorted.

0:18:260:18:29

Uh-oh!

0:18:290:18:30

No-no-no-no-no!

0:18:300:18:31

Nev, out the way!

0:18:310:18:33

Beetroot, Beetroot! Um, hello!

0:18:330:18:35

Hello, Nev. Do you mind?

0:18:350:18:37

Keith!

0:18:400:18:41

-At least I've got my ice-cream business to keep me going.

-Gnome!

0:18:410:18:45

Return to base.

0:18:450:18:47

GNOME! Are you deaf?

0:18:470:18:48

Look, I'm sorry, Aunt Bar,

0:18:480:18:50

but you've crossed the line. We do not like being spied on.

0:18:500:18:53

Don't let's gets things out of all proportion, dear boy! GNOME!

0:18:530:18:59

I'm gonna miss this, Nevvy.

0:18:590:19:02

Oh, me too, Keith.

0:19:020:19:04

And I'm gonna miss these goodbye hugs we keep having!

0:19:040:19:10

They're kind of fun.

0:19:100:19:11

-Yeah-yeah.

-Well, this is it. Time to go walkabout.

-Oh!

0:19:110:19:18

So long, old buddy. It's been a blast.

0:19:180:19:23

BANG! < Arrrgh!

0:19:240:19:25

What was that?!

0:19:250:19:26

Dear girl, what HAVE you done?

0:19:320:19:35

Beatrice? Are you all right?

0:19:400:19:43

Yum yum!

0:19:430:19:45

One minute, there was a gnome stood there, eating ice cream,

0:19:450:19:49

and then it just exploded!

0:19:490:19:51

-What?

-Impossible!

-So... the gnome is no more?

0:19:510:19:59

-Is this your idea of top tea?

-It had nothing to do with me!

0:19:590:20:03

I'd been to the hairdresser's! Look at the state of me!

0:20:030:20:06

Was it closed?

0:20:060:20:08

Beatrice, I swear, this had nothing to do with me.

0:20:080:20:11

Stay for dinner and we'll sort it out.

0:20:110:20:13

I wouldn't have dinner with you if Gordon Ramsey cooked it!

0:20:130:20:16

Beatrice! Oh, careful!

0:20:160:20:19

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Oh! Mm!

0:20:190:20:23

Well, thanks a lot, Aunt B(!) Not only have you hired a faulty gnome,

0:20:250:20:29

you've wrecked my chances with Beatrice,

0:20:290:20:31

-and look at the state of my flat!

-I shall be asking for my money back.

0:20:310:20:36

And what right do you have to go spying on all of us, anyway?

0:20:360:20:39

I couldn't have put it better myself, Mr Barney, sir.

0:20:390:20:42

The owner of this block of flats, your Uncle Rupert,

0:20:420:20:45

would not be best pleased.

0:20:450:20:47

Dig-a-mi doo-dah, Doris! I don't think we need to skedaddle after all!

0:20:470:20:53

Oh...I think I'm going to miss missing things!

0:20:530:20:56

Come on, Aunt Barbara. Out.

0:20:560:20:58

A gnome that spies on people? What were you thinking?

0:20:580:21:03

Well done, Bear!

0:21:050:21:07

HIS HEAD SQUEAKS

0:21:070:21:09

I've a good mind to get on to Uncle Rupert

0:21:110:21:13

and tell him exactly what his sister Barbara's been up to.

0:21:130:21:16

-Never mind.

-That's my chances with Beatrice blown, again.

0:21:160:21:20

-Beetroot!

-I can't work out where that ice cream came from.

0:21:200:21:24

There was one tub in the freezer last time I checked.

0:21:240:21:27

Oh, love you, Snuggly Ducky Duck Duck.

0:21:270:21:30

Nev? Is there something you want to tell me?

0:21:300:21:33

NEV SNORES

0:21:330:21:35

You're asleep, are you?

0:21:350:21:37

I'll sleep like a log too, after all that pedal-pushing.

0:21:370:21:40

I love you, Barney.

0:21:400:21:42

I love you too, mate. Night-night.

0:21:420:21:44

WHIRRING

0:21:470:21:49

Nev? Was that you?

0:21:490:21:52

No-no-no.

0:21:520:21:54

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

0:21:570:22:00

Ha-ha-ha!

0:22:000:22:02

-AAAAAAARGH!

-AAAAAARGH!

0:22:020:22:05

Aunt Barbara's new gnome turns out to be more than just an ornament, and has been sent to spy on the block. It soon discovers Mr Prank's secret ice cream business, the fact that Nev is only pretending to be a dog, and that Crazy Keith the koala lives under the floorboards.

If Angry Pants is to keep his caretaking job, and if Nev is to stop the pest controllers taking Keith away, they must act quickly before the gnome tells all.