Bird Brain Bear Behaving Badly


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Bird Brain

Comedy. Beaky, the famous 'tell it like it is' parrot, arrives at Barney's flat, but he upsets Mr Prank with his insulting and rude remarks.


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Transcript


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SNORING

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Shh!

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-Hello!

-Shh!

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HE MUTTERS

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So, what was all of that about?

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Well, Melanie, do you know Beaky the parrot?

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Beaky? Beaky, hmm.

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-Maybe, is he the tell-it-like-is parrot on TV?

-Yup.

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-The one who made Simon Cowell cry?

-Yep.

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He insults people and they find it hilarious.

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He's helping me present the Golden Gongs awards.

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-He's being brought over by his agent.

-Groovy!

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So...?

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I made the mistake of saying that to Mr Prank yesterday.

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Turns out he's not just the world's worst caretaker,

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he's the world's biggest Beaky fan.

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Pathetic.

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Ugh! I've not had a wink of sleep all night.

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KNOCKING

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Is Beaky here yet? Is he? Is he?

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-It's 2am. He'll be here in the morning.

-Just checking!

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KNOCKING

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Is he here YET?

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What, in the 15 minutes since you last asked? No.

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KNOCKING

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# B-e-a-k-y, he's a bird I'll tell you why

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# Go, Beaky! #

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Aww...poor ickle cousin Barney-warney.

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Why have we been graced with your presence

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and why's your hair done up?

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No reason! I was just passing really and...

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Oh, Nev!

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Wait a minute!

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You're here to see Beaky, aren't you?

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No! No!

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Yes! Mr Prank told me.

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He's a real, live TV presenter.

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Well, so am I!

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Too right, bro.

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Yeah, I know but you know you're, like, YOU.

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Good point. I'd not thought of that.

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I'm just going to the loo to clean up.

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Thanks, Nev(!)

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Pffrt!

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How come stupid Beaky gets all the fans? I haven't got any.

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Here I am!

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-I know I've got you. You're my number-one fan.

-Aye-aye!

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-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, hello.

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Hi Todd. It's Beaky's agent.

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Oh, OK, cool.

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They're nearly here.

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Oh! Jibbidy-ya!

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Beaky! Beaky! Beaky!

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Oh, love you, Beaky. Ahh!

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Barney, baby, you look fabulous.

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What've you done? Hair? Teeth?

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Whatever it is, it is so you.

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Hi Todd.

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Beaky's so pumped up to be working with you.

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Isn't that right?

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Argh! His breath smells of poo! Argh!

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Usual charming self then, Beaky.

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He's such a kidder.

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Argh! Shut up, Big Ears.

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Stop saying that!

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Umm...

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# B-e-a-k-y, he's a bird I'll tell you why... #

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This way, please

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Ha-ha-ha.

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Oh, Barney! Just love what you've done with the place.

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It's you, but not too much you.

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Thank you...I think.

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-PHONE RINGS

-I'm going to take this call.

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Oh.

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Tarquin, baby!

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Fabulous, what's new?

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Well, that was Todd and this is Beaky.

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Beaky, this is Melanie.

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Beaky, wow! Beaky!

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Beaky! Beaky! Beaky! Beaky! Beaky! Beaky!

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You've said the most Beakys in a sentence.

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Do you want to calm down?

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Argh! Silly hair, silly hair.

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What did he say?

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NEV LAUGHS

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Eh, nothing.

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Eh, Nev, this is Beaky. Say hello.

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-Hello!

-Argh! Ugly furball.

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A-rrrrr!

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He's got that one right.

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How's everyone getting on? Super!

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Argh! I want purple sunflower seeds.

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We don't have any, I'm afraid.

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Argh! Beaky don't get 'em. Beaky don't perform.

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Argh! Toilet-Face!

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Uh-oh! Barnster, a word please.

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-You don't have purple sunflower seeds?

-No.

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Oh, this is bad!

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If Beaky doesn't get them, he get's unpleasant.

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He's not unpleasant NOW?

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There's a shop, I can get them

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while you stay here and mind Beaky.

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-OK.

-You'll need to sign this.

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It's just a bit of paperwork

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-which says that you're in charge of Beaky.

-Oh, yeah?

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It also says, if anything happens to him,

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I have to pay him £30 million?

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I tell you what. Why don't I go and get the seeds

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and you can look after Beaky?

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Barney said we can't let Beaky out of his cage

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or sign anything. Got it, Nev?

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Too right, bro.

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He sure looks nicer on TV. Don't you think?

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Argh! And you'd look a lot nicer BEHIND a TV.

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I'm getting sick of you, you feather duster.

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Me too!

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Ah! Not if I see you first!

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OK, team, there's three of us to look after one bird.

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How hard can that be?

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Easy-peasy.

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Argh!

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-KNOCKING

-'Beaky? Is that you?

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'Are you in there? Coo-eee!'

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It just got harder.

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Beaky! It really is you.

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Argh! Baldy!

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He called me Baldy.

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I love it! Do it again!

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Baldy!

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It's only funny when he does it, Bear!

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Pffrt!

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HE SNEEZES

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Beaky, I'm such a big fan of yours, I drew a picture of you on my chest.

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-Ugh!

-Oh, boy!

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear!

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That's rubbish.

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I'm sorry you don't like it but I have got another one.

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-No!

-No-no-no!

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We don't need to see that one.

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Argh! Boring! Next!

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NEV LAUGHS

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No, no, no. Please wait, Beaky.

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I've loving sculpted a life-size model of you out of ice cream.

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Ta-dah!

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Oh, well, it looked great last night.

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Oh! Yum-yum!

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You're more stupid than the world stupid champion

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and believe me, he's really stupid.

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Ugh! He's right. I am!

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Come on, Mr Prank, pay no attention to that nasty, horrible bird.

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I'm sure your sculpture was really good.

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He hates me!

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Argh! So long, Loser and Silly-Hair.

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I'm gonna help Mr Prank back to his flat. Todd, help me.

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Nev, you're in charge of the bird.

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Beaky!

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Now, I do need to point out that all comments

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by the bird are in jest so you can't take any legal action

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or put them on your T-shirt. In fact...

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A-rrrrrr.

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Argh! Ugly furball.

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-Argh! You're a blue...

-Pffrt!

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-Hairy...

-Pffrt!

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-Furry...

-Pfffrrrt!

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You're good, bear. You're very good.

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Too right, bro. Can't scare me.

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G'day, Nevvy.

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Crazy Keith, Doris.

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Wow! So, who's your new friend?

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Hmm...Beaky.

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G'day, I'm Crazy Keith but you can call me...

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A hairy rat. Wah!

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Eh, no, mate. I'm a koala.

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Call the exterminator.

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You're looking for a punch in the beak.

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Hairy rat! Smelly, hairy rat!

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Ho-ho-ho.

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Oh, wait, stop.

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No-no-no!

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Ah, you're right, Nevvy. Fighting's not the answer.

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You're lucky there are ladies present.

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Oh! Ugly rabbit.

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-Oh!

-Ugly rabbit!

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Oh!

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Don't make me angry, bird.

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You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

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Uh-oh.

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Well, looks like we've manage to calm poor old Mr Prank down.

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'Why? Why doesn't Beaky love me?'

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More or less.

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Mondo problemo!

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Oh!

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I think he's taken the news of Beaky's escape quite well.

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-TODD SOBS

-Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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Well, as always, you've messed things up.

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Lucky I'm here. He can't have got far.

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I'll search the top of the block,

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you and Motormouth can search here.

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-Bet you I can find him first.

-No way, Jose! I win! I win!

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Cool, the first one back with Beaky wins. Smell you later!

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Pffrt!

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Smile, please.

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OK, you're right, little blue dude.

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We can do this, let's find Beaky.

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Yeah, yeah!

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'Argh! Big Ears and the furball. What a rubbish team!'

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Stop saying that!

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At least we now know that Beaky's still in the flat.

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So, let's spread out and find him.

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Sorry about letting Beaky out there, Nev.

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I kind of lost my temper a bit when he insulted Doris. Yikes!

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We'll be able to get Beaky back as long as he doesn't leave the flat.

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Hmm. I win!

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Oh! Nev, your door flap.

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'Wah! So long, suckers.'

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Wah!

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear!

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Oh!

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Oh, Beaky.

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We have so much in common.

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You like insulting people, I like watching people being insulted.

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I thought we'd be friends.

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SQUELCH!

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Huh?

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Bird poop?

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It, it can't be.

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Beaky?

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Argh! Baldy!

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Beaky! It's you!

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I knew you'd come round.

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Do you want something to eat?

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I could put the telly on and you could be rude. Waah!

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-CRASHING

-Argh!

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Oh, this is pointless.

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Argh!

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We've searched the whole ground floor and no sign.

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Melanie obviously hasn't found him

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or she would have brought him here by now.

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My career is over!

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Too right, bro.

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Oh! Looky-looky.

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What's this?

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Ugh! It's covered in bird's do-do.

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Yucky.

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It says "Only to be opened if Beaky has escaped."

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Well, that's a big yes.

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Yeah, yeah!

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"If you're reading this note, then Beaky has escaped

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"and you need to know that he hides a terrible secret."

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KNOCKING

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I'll go.

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"If Beaky pecks somebody on the nose,

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"they develop the terrible affliction known as jokeritis.

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"The victim develops a large red nose..."

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HONK! HONK!

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-"..crazy giggles..."

-Hee-hee-hee-hee!

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"..and they can't stop playing annoying practical jokes."

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ANDY LAUGHS

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Oops!

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HONK! HONK!

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What a day!

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First, I...YOU lose the world's most expensive and irritating parrot

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and now, we've gained this practical joker.

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I warned you, Baldy. Put down the water balloon.

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OK, that's the warning. Over to you, Nev.

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Achoo!

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I can barely hear myself think.

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Argh! Even with those massive ears.

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I do not have big ears.

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-Argh! Shut up, Big Ears.

-Stop it.

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-Big Ears.

-Stop it. Stop it!

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Big Ears.

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-You are a rude, ungrateful little bird.

-Big Ears!

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If it wasn't for me, you'd still be insulting rabbits in that pet shop.

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-So, get down.

-Argh!

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That's it. Come to the Toddster.

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Argh, shut up, Big Ears. Argh!

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T-t-t-Toddster!

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-Argh!

-OK?

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Pffrt!

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Made you jump. Hee-hee!

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THEY GIGGLE AND LAUGH

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Argh!

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-So, you found Beaky, yeah?

-Mmm.

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But then you lost him.

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But not before he infected Angry Pants and Motormouth with jokeritis.

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Great work, Nev(!)

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-Wahoo!

-Boing!

-Wahoo

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I can't take much more of this.

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Too right.

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Behave!

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-Boing!

-Wahoo!

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Right, I'll find Beaky. You sort out these two.

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Rather you than me.

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I know, I know!

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Crazy Keith!

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-Boing!

-Wahoo!

0:14:340:14:35

-Boing!

-Wahoo!

0:14:350:14:37

-Boing!

-Wahoo!

0:14:370:14:38

-Boing!

-Wahoo!

0:14:380:14:40

Whoa!

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Hello.

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Crikey, Nevvy. That Todd bloke and Angry Pants

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have gone silly-billy with that jokeritis thing.

0:14:500:14:54

Wahoo!

0:14:540:14:55

What are you gonna do, Nev?

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-I don't know.

-Come on, you need a plan.

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Too right, bro.

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And, look, I've got just the thing.

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Oh! Oh!

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Jibbidy-ya! Ho-ho-ho!

0:15:060:15:09

Hi, Aunty Barbara. I don't suppose you've seen a parrot, have you?

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Oh, yes, lots.

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I've seen some in the Congo, in South Africa and...

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No, I meant recently in the block.

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Oh, no, 'fraid not.

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OK, thanks, see you later.

0:15:290:15:31

-Parrots here? Poor girl, she needs to get more fresh air.

-Argh!

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Oh, look. There's one!

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-Argh!

-Oh!

0:15:400:15:42

BARBARA SCREAMS

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Tip-top knot.

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Spoilsport!

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-Yes, boo.

-Boo!

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Shhh! Dum-da-dumm-dum.

0:15:530:15:56

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Good afternoon!

0:15:570:15:59

I am Dr Ludwig von Beatbox from the Institute Of Unfunny Funny Diseases.

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THEY LAUGH

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What we have here is a very bad outbreak of jokeritis.

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The only cure for this is a taste of your own medicine.

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BOTH: Oh(!)

0:16:200:16:21

Nev, bring out the pie cannon.

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Aye, aye, captain.

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With this cannon, I am going to repeatedly hit you

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with the cream pies until it is no longer funny.

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And then, and I will say this only once,

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you will be cured.

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Pffrt!

0:16:430:16:45

Nev.

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Three, two, one...

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THEY LAUGH

0:16:510:16:53

Unt again, Nev.

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THEY LAUGH

0:17:010:17:03

NEV LAUGHS

0:17:030:17:04

Hmmm...

0:17:040:17:06

This may take a while. Hmm...

0:17:060:17:09

Right! I think it may have worked.

0:17:240:17:27

Time for the test.

0:17:270:17:30

OK, watch me.

0:17:300:17:31

Watch me!

0:17:310:17:33

Three, two, one...

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THEY LAUGH

0:17:400:17:43

It did not work.

0:17:430:17:46

He talks funny.

0:17:460:17:48

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear!

0:17:490:17:52

Worry not, Nev.

0:17:520:17:53

It is time for Phase Two!

0:17:530:17:57

Here, this will cure them for sure.

0:18:020:18:05

KNOCKING

0:18:050:18:07

-I wonder who that can be.

-Santa Claus.

0:18:070:18:10

Jibbidy-ya! Santa!

0:18:100:18:12

It is not ze Santa!

0:18:120:18:14

'Argh! Beaky's got a surprise for you two.'

0:18:140:18:17

Can't scare me!

0:18:170:18:19

Argh!

0:18:200:18:21

Awoooga!

0:18:210:18:23

-Boing.

-Wahoo!

0:18:230:18:26

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:18:260:18:28

One, a-two, a-one, two, three, four...

0:18:300:18:35

THEY PLAY OUT OF TUNE

0:18:350:18:37

QUIET!

0:18:490:18:51

What is going on here?

0:18:530:18:56

Bernie!

0:18:560:18:57

Aunt Barbara, Todd, are you OK?

0:18:570:19:01

Tag, you're it. Ho-ho!

0:19:010:19:03

Where's Beaky?

0:19:050:19:06

Argh! Hello, Poo-Breath.

0:19:060:19:08

That's lovely. I can see things have been going well.

0:19:080:19:12

Oh, I forgot how heavy that is.

0:19:120:19:14

Here you go, Beaky. I've got some nice seeds for you.

0:19:140:19:18

Oh, look at them.

0:19:180:19:19

Lovely.

0:19:200:19:21

Emm...

0:19:220:19:23

..why is there custard in my shoe?

0:19:260:19:30

Because you smell!

0:19:300:19:32

Mr Prank, sit down right now or I shall be very cross.

0:19:330:19:37

You too, Aunt Barbara.

0:19:370:19:39

And you, Todd.

0:19:390:19:40

Oh!

0:19:400:19:41

I'll deal with you lot later.

0:19:410:19:43

-Beaky.

-Argh!

0:19:430:19:45

Yummy, yum-yum.

0:19:450:19:46

Jibbidy-ya!

0:19:480:19:49

Argh!

0:19:490:19:50

Nice work, Nev.

0:19:500:19:52

Now, what's wrong with these three?

0:19:520:19:54

He-he-hem.

0:19:540:19:56

Oh, what's this?

0:19:560:19:58

"Beaky has a terrible secret... blah-blah-blah...

0:20:000:20:03

"Jokeritis!

0:20:030:20:05

"Blah-blah-blah..."

0:20:050:20:06

Mondo problemo!

0:20:060:20:07

Well, not really.

0:20:070:20:09

Didn't you read the back?

0:20:100:20:13

It says the cure is to be tickled with one of Beaky's feathers.

0:20:130:20:17

Oh!

0:20:170:20:18

Yeah! So, go on then. Do the honours, Nev.

0:20:180:20:21

Hee-hee-hee!

0:20:210:20:23

Tickle!

0:20:240:20:25

Tickle!

0:20:250:20:27

Tickle!

0:20:270:20:28

What just happened?

0:20:310:20:33

Can you hear bagpipes?

0:20:330:20:35

Why is there a lampshade on my head?

0:20:350:20:38

You've all lost your memory.

0:20:380:20:40

It's one of the side effects of jokeritis.

0:20:400:20:42

The other is you'll find nothing funny for 24 hours.

0:20:420:20:46

What's jokeritis?

0:20:460:20:48

Hermione, find out what jokeritis is.

0:20:500:20:52

Well, I best be off.

0:20:520:20:54

We'll be late. Haven't even rehearsed! I'll get changed.

0:20:540:20:58

-SQUELCH!

-Argh-oh!

0:20:580:21:01

Who put a bucket of slime above my door?

0:21:030:21:06

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

0:21:070:21:10

Oh, what a day, Nev! I'm so relieved it's over.

0:21:110:21:14

-Too right, bro!

-At least the award ceremony went well.

0:21:140:21:18

My favourite bit was when Beaky called P-Diddy "Piddle D"!

0:21:180:21:22

Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, yeah!

0:21:220:21:23

He was chasing him with a broom! I presented it on my own!

0:21:230:21:27

Groovy!

0:21:270:21:29

-Anyway, night mate.

-Love you, Barney.

0:21:290:21:32

Wack-a-doo!

0:21:320:21:35

Oh no!

0:21:350:21:36

Only joking! Ha ha ha ha ha!

0:21:360:21:39

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:21:390:21:42

A special episode celebrating Red Nose Day with a guest appearance from Jason Donovan.

When Mr Prank finds out that Beaky, the famous 'tell it like it is' parrot, is coming to Barney's flat, he's delighted. The excitement fades when Beaky's insults are suddenly aimed at him.

It seems that nothing can please the offensive Beaky and as the rude remarks fly, Beaky becomes more demanding. When the parrot insists on special food, Barney treks across town to buy it, leaving Nev, Melanie and Beaky's manager Todd in charge. To his surprise, Barney returns to find Beaky loose from his cage spreading a contagious affliction called jokeritus!