Plant Life Brain Freeze

I drank straight out of the milk carton this morning.

I'm still wearing my pyjamas under my clothes.

What have you got there, Professor?

It's my new science gizmo - the megaphone of truth.

When you speak into it, it's impossible to tell a lie.

-I'm not even a real professor.

-Show me that!

Ahem...

When I was eight, I borrowed a science book from the library,

and never returned it.

Aah! Get that things away from me!

Ha, ha! I love it. Jonathan, you next.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Ahem!

I sometimes feel unloved,

and nobody appreciates ALL THE WORK I DO AROUND HERE!

Aah! Oh, crumpets. What have I said?!

-BELL RINGS GASPS:

-Poor Colin!

'This is Brain Freeze...

'With Dr Knowles...

'Professor McCork...

'Colin the floor manager...

'and Ms Hucklebuck.

'Stand by!'

Come on, everybody!

BOTH: It's time for...

Today, we're asking how many plants are in the world?

The first land plants appeared on Earth around 465 million years ago,

evolving from their ancestors in the ocean

to spread across the entire surface of the Earth.

And what are they good for?

Plants provide us with clothing,

shelter, fuel, medicine,

food, oxygen through photosynthesis,

and they even help reduce carbon levels

by storing carbon in the form of biomass,

which, in turn, helps protect our environment.

Fair enough, that's pretty impressive -

but can we have a break now?

Please?

And we're clear.

I feel so bad for Colin.

I hope he accepts our apology.

I'm sure he will. Nobody can resist triple chocolate fudge cake.

Where did you get that, anyway, Professor?

It came from a faraway land

ruled over by the most ancient and honest king that ever lived...

No, it didn't. I found it in a bin.

Now, that sounds more like it.

My real name is Gwendolyn. THEY LAUGH

BELL RINGS

I don't know if this thing is working, Dr Knowles.

Positions, you two!

So, tell us, Dr Knowles,

how many plants are there in the world?

There are an estimated

383,671 species of plants known to science.

And how many individual plants?

These include approximately

370,000 types of flowering plants,

15,000 ferns,

1,000 gymnosperms, such as conifers,

and 23,000 mosses.

Yes, but how many actual plants?

Er, well, scientists estimate

that there are over 3 trillion

actual trees on earth.

Yes, but how many actual plants in total?

Answer the question.

Oh, well, counting every tree is one thing,

but to count every single bush,

moss, green algae,

fern, every single blade of grass...

You mean, you don't have an answer?

HE GASPS

Er...

Well, it could be billions upon billions - trillions, quadrillions.

There are just some things science can't answer.

-There you have it, folks. Basically, we haven't a clue.

-Sorry.

See you next time.

And we're clear.

ALL: Surprise!

We're sorry for taking you for granted, Colin.

We really are your friends.

And we promise to be more appreciative from now on.

Aww, thanks, you lot.

I suppose it's good to get things off your chest once in a while.

Some cake, Jonathan?

I mean...Colin?

You finally remembered my name!

You know what? You lot are the best friends a floor manager could have.

And that is the truth!

HORNS TOOT

I once knew a dog who could

whistle the national anthem.

I haven't cut my toenails in 11 years.

When I was five, I did a wee

in the corner of the cinema,

and never told anyone.