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# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-ChuckleVision
# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-ChuckleVision
# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision. #
MUSIC: "Rule Britannia!"
I feel silly.
Silly?! You're wearing the uniform of a Beefeater,
Yeoman of the Guard? Defender of the Crown Jewels?
-How do you feel silly?
-My hat's too big.
-You'll grow into it.
-Where's your pike?
-I parked it round the back.
-Not your BIKE, your pike!
-You know what that is?
-An ugly fish with big teeth.
-It's a long stick with a point on the end!
-I saw one of those inside.
-You could have had my eye out!
-It was an accident.
-Accident nothing! Here, you have that one.
-Ha ha! Sorry, it was an accident(!) Right.
-I'll teach you the basic moves. You do everything I do.
Over the shoulder with the pike. Get my pike... Then...
Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!
Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!
Was that six wahs or seven?
BIRD CAWS AGAIN
You're the one that did it! Come down and try that again!
You disgusting little creature!
-Oh, I didn't mean you, I meant that black pigeon.
-Yes, he is.
-I don't recognise you two. New faces, eh?
-No, we've always had these ones.
-We're in a state of high alert.
-Daring Derek's around!
-He's a notorious robber,
famed for his ridiculous disguises. He plans to steal the Crown Jewels.
-And you want us to guard them?
-Now, there's a thought.
You two guarding the Jewels!
No. You two keep well clear of them. I want you to look after the ravens.
You know they say when the last raven flies from the Tower walls,
buildings tumble and the kingdom falls?
If the ravens left, it would be disaster for Britain.
-We don't want that, do we?
-No. Now, to your duties.
-Told you this hat was too big!
Bird duty! I can't believe it.
The Crown Jewels are at stake, and we're sent to the sidelines.
-You could help!
-No time, I've more important things to do.
I'm reading up on Daring Derek.
-Don't tell me, Dock?
-We've got an uncle called Fred.
-No, Daring Derek!
He started his criminal career at Buckingham Palace.
-Disguised as a constable, he stole a corgi!
Then he went on to paintings.
Disguised himself as a corgi, and stole a Constable!
-Let's check the Crown Jewels.
-But Sergeant Harris said not to.
-But he doesn't know what we're capable of.
-I don't know.
Word gets round.
Magnificent, eh? That's the biggest diamond in the world.
-It's called the Koh-I-Noor.
-That's the curry house in the High Street!
-Fancy naming the world's biggest diamond after a curry house.
Yeah. Queen Victoria used to go there for a Balti.
Fancy her liking curry!
Well, that's down to her Nan. Ha ha ha, her nan...!
Let's check out the security.
Ah, yes, here it is! I recognise this.
-That's a type 2 Schless and Warner.
-You're not gonna fiddle with it?
ALARM BELL RINGS
-I'll get Sergeant Harris.
-Tut, tut, tut, no.
-I've got my screwdriver.
-But Sergeant Harris...
-This is beyond his stupid brain.
Heh heh heh... Just an expression...
-What you gonna do with that?
Suppertime, lads. Bit of best steak. I've cooked it as well!
-Paul? One of these ravens has grown since lunchtime.
-Has it really?
Hickory, Dickory, Fred...
And Ha... Paul! Guess what?
-It's a raven, not a parrot!
Expert, is he? Hasn't he heard of Doctor Dolittle?
It's me! I can understand him! I can talk to the animals!
-Cor, he's a big 'un!
-I didn't think you meant that big!
-What should we do?
-Anything he says!
-Some chips would be nice.
-He said he'd like some chips.
-I'll put the pan on.
-Oh, and maybe some ketchup.
-Some tomato ketchup, as well.
-Nah, forget the ketchup, make it mayonnaise.
-Mayonnaise it is.
-Can you change the ketchup to mayonnaise?
Just a minute... I heard...!
It seems you're not the only one who's a Dolittle, Barry!
-Huh! More like a do nothing!
He's not a raven at all! After him!
It's no good, he's flown away!
That wasn't a raven! That was Daring Derek!
FLUTTERING, BIRDS CAW
"When the last raven flies from the Tower walls,
-"buildings tumble and the kingdom falls."
-Don't rub it in!
-What's Sergeant Harris gonna do?
-He doesn't have to know.
-Pass me some straw.
We'll leave these fake ravens here while we look for the real ones.
-There - Hickory, pretty life-like, eh?
-I don't believe it!
-It's not that bad!
-How did the Crown Jewels get there?!
Daring Derek must have put them there! Of course!
Remember when the alarm went off?
He was robbing the jewels!
Then he must have brought them here and hidden them under the straw!
-He'll have left fake ones!
-Shall we tell the sergeant?
Not yet. We'll take them to the Jewel House first.
-We don't want anything to happen to them.
-Let's wash them first.
There. Good as new.
What do you think you're doing?!
-Just trying it on.
-What was that?
Oh, no! Not the Koh-i-Noor!
All is not lost. If I blow down this tube, the jewel will just pop up.
-It's all about succumbing to pressure.
-I know the feeling!
-Get in position.
-No. Try harder.
Nope. It must have gone down the drain. We'll have to get these back.
-Won't someone notice the biggest diamond in the world is gone?
There. Nobody'll know.
I don't think we should be doing this.
-Relax. It's our job to protect the Crown Jewels.
-Tut-tut-tut! The place is alarmed!
-So am I!
-No, burglar alarms.
Invisible beams protect the place.
That's why I brought this - smoke.
-Hey! That's very clever!
-It is very clever. Come on.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS
Oh! Ah, yes!
Obviously faked, this lot.
-You know how it's burglar alarmed?
-Has it got smoke alarms as well?
-Hang on! What shall I do with these?
-Get rid of them.
-That's the last we'll see of those.
-Must be Sergeant Harris.
-We'll have to go to Plan B.
-You keep him talking while I go home.
Too late! Hide!
Well, what have we here?
-Daring Derek, caught you at last.
-No, you don't understand.
You know, in a funny sort of a way, I've always admired you.
Just a minute. Why's he Daring Derek? Why can't I be?
Because Daring Derek is as wily as a wolf.
Yeah, that's me.
-As cunning as a crocodile.
And as nimble as...
That's definitely me. Hey, Barry, I bet they make a film about me.
-How dare you? You...imposter.
-Who are you?
-Don't you recognise me?
-The one and only.
Well, I never would have believed it.
-That I was Daring Derek?
-No, that they could catch you! Well done.
Have a medal.
He stole the jewels and replaced them with fake ones.
We found the real ones down in the Raven House.
-You think you've figured it out. Not quite.
You was right. I DID plan to swap the jewels...this afternoon.
But just as I was about to,
some idiot set the alarm off, and I had to get out,
taking the fake Jewels with me.
..Without me screwdriver.
Then I went back to the Raven House, hid the Jewels,
and concealed myself among the real ravens.
See? The Jewels YOU found were the fake ones.
They're the ones you've just swapped.
No! It can't be!
We've been looking for that!
"Made in China."
The Jewels ARE fake.
So...what did you do with the REAL Crown Jewels?
-Get rid of them!
You threw the Crown Jewels in the river?!
What are you going to do?
In one day, we've lost the Crown Jewels, got rid of the Tower ravens,
and brought about the end of the country as we know it.
-Look on the bright side. At least we've still got a job.
-Oi! You two!
Back to work!
-HE GETS TONGUE-TIED
-That wasn't Daring Derek!
-It was a raven.
-He said he wants some chips.
-I'll go and put the kettle on...