First Day of Term Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,

a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras filmed for a year to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

SIREN

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

SCHOOL BELL

This school is boring, I don't know why you want to film here.

It's the first day of a new term, and the teachers

and pupils of Dockbridge High School can't wait to get started.

I don't want to go back!

HE SOBS

Morning, sir.

Morning, Emily, it's great to be back, isn't it?

HE WAILS

HE SCREAMS

Going to a new school can be overwhelming.

Out of the way, don't malinger.

But deputy head Mr Potter is coping with it remarkably well.

Walk, don't run! Door!

Litter, pick that up. Phone, please.

Earrings off!

-You're not Mr Barker.

-Very observant.

Mr Barker will be here at 9am sharp, after his morning walk.

-I am Mrs Macintyre.

-Mr Potter...

-BOTH:

-Deputy head.

That's right. I'm the new deputy head.

-There must be some mistake, I am the new deputy head.

-Impossible.

Deputy head teachers Mrs Macintyre and Mr Potter

have just discovered that there are two of them.

-Which is a lovely surprise.

-Perhaps you are the deputy deputy head.

Perhaps you are the deputy deputy head.

I can see we are going to have to find Mr Barker at once

-to resolve this matter.

-Yes, I was just going to say that.

-After you.

-After you.

-After you!

-After you!

SCHOOL BELL

Year 8 pupil Mark has had a sudden growth spurt over the summer.

Last year, he accidentally called his form tutor "Mum" in class,

an embarrassment he's yet to live down.

Oh, she's not my mum, all right?

I am his mum.

SCHOOL BELL

-Your mum's your teacher.

-Oh, she's not my mum!

-She is.

-She's not!

Markey, you left your lunchbox at home this morning.

HE LAUGHS

-Your mum's a teacher.

-You're a teacher.

-No, I'm not.

-What are you teaching me for? Stop teaching me.

-Your mum's a teacher.

-Yes, she is.

-Your teacher's your mum.

The first lesson of the new term is science,

and class 8B are excited to meet their teacher.

-NASALLY:

-OK, settle down, settle down.

OK, so my name is

Mr...

Nasal.

LAUGHTER

Is there something funny...

about it?

No? OK, then. On with...

Huh! Huh!

..the register. OK. Jasmine?

-Yes, sir.

-Oh, thank you, Jasmine.

Ta...

Ta... Ta...!

-Tahj?

-Yes, sir, that's me, sir.

-Welcome, Tahj.

Billy!!!

-Eee...!!!

-Yes, sir.

Thank you, B... Ah!!!

THEY GASP

-That's disgusting.

-New girl. Are you chewing gum?

That's disgusting. Get out!

Martin?

Like many schools, Dockbridge High relies on the passion

and professionalism of its teaching staff.

-Nnnn!!!

-And there's no-one more professional than Mr Capp.

Look, Emily, no hands. Whe... Whoa!

CRASH

We've got Mr Capp again for English this year.

To be an effective teacher, you've really got to speak

to the kids in their own language. You get me?

Most of the time I, like, literally have no idea what he's saying.

S'up? S'up? Yeah!

Yeah! Bilbo, wagwan?

Great to see you, guys. I don't know about you,

but I totes didn't want to come back to school today. You get me?

I spent like the whole summer down at the skate park,

pulling backsides and fakies.

Props to the skater posse.

It was really rather sick.

-Sir, you spent the whole summer at the skate park?

-Yeah, me did.

And for those who didn't, fail!

Here's my new trick.

Aw!

THEY LAUGH

Obviously that wasn't it. Banter.

Oh. Come on, let's get some atmos going.

-Woo!

-HE LAUGHS

Come on!

HE LAUGHS

Here I go!

Ah!!!

THEY GASP

Woo!

-STRAINED:

-Banter.

It's break time, and among the new faces are some familiar old faces.

HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

Although none are as old as Mr Weed.

Does anyone know what Mr Weed teaches?

Very well, thank you.

SCHOOL BELL

The middle of the day is devoted to the arts,

starting with the artiest art - art - with Miss Flip.

Ah-ah.

Are strawberries bigger than pineapples, Martin?

-You might want to have another look at that.

-Miss?

-Yes, Emily?

-I've finished, Miss.

-Finished?

-Yes, Miss.

-Oh.

Oh, my, yes! A very accomplished

piece of work, Emily.

It really, um, draws you in, doesn't it?

-Thanks, Miss.

-But is it finished?

-Yes, Miss.

-Is it?

-Yes, Miss.

-Of course it is.

-How silly of me.

-SHE LAUGHS

Do you think it could do with maybe just, um, one more thing?

-I think it's done.

-Yes, in the corner there. Do you see?

Do you see what I mean? May I? It is nothing much, it is nothing much.

It is just a little adjustment.

I think it is needs a little bit more, don't you?

Stand back, everyone.

Artist at work!

Oh, yes.

Whoa! Splash, splash, splash, Emily!

That's it!

SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

There.

-Great.

-Great work, everyone, especially you, Emily.

Very creative.

Class dismissed.

And so to drama, taught by retired Shakespearean actor

and EastEnders market stall regular, Sir Stanley Bleacher.

Drama class. Or as I like to call it, "an audience with Sir Stanley".

If he doesn't turn up soon, I'm off.

Where have you taken her?!

Belinda, Belinda,

my lo...ve!

Oh, Belinda, my darling, with your face like a warm bee, and your voice

like an angry badger, when will I see your sweet ears once more?

Ah!

That's acting.

Acting can tell 1,000 tales and weave 1,000 whips.

-Do you understand?

-No. That just really freaks me out.

HE SOBS

HE SOBS LOUDER

That's acting.

THEY GROAN

-Sir, are we doing any work this lesson?

-I'm confused.

-Are you acting?

-No.

-Well, why not?

I'm going to give you all roles,

and you have to stay in character for the entire lesson.

Now, come on, on your feet.

Find a space.

Now, you will be a haunted mermaid,

you a bookcase, and you...

a tomato.

-But, sir, how am I meant...

-Sshh! Tomatoes don't talk.

Now, that's acting.

In another part of the school, deputy head Mrs Macintyre

and deputy head Mr Potter

have accepted their shared job title of deputy head with dignity.

SCHOOL BELL

You are on my side of the doorway, Mr Potter.

Not at all, you are on my side.

They say two heads are better than one.

But two deputy heads...

Lunchtime, and while the pupils have their lunch,

the staff use the time to get ahead with marking and lesson planning.

DANCE MUSIC

SCHOOL BELL

HE MOANS

And with lunchtime over, it's back to the serious matter of education.

It's time for maths, a favourite subject for Year 8 pupil, Tahj.

I love maths.

I hate maths.

So, if a man owns four pairs of trousers...

..he accidentally rips two pairs...

..he leaves one at his mum's,

and he can't for the life of him remember

where he put the fourth pair.

How many pairs of trousers does the man have?

-Yes, Tahj.

-Zero, sir.

-He would have no pairs of trousers.

-Correct, Tahj.

And for an extra mark, where might he find a spare pair of trousers?

-Er, lost property.

-Thank you, Tahj.

THEY LAUGH

Quiet reading!

I love maths!

Over in food technology, Miss Davis is cooking up a few treats.

I really like learning how to bake things.

But I'm not too keen on the smell.

Right, class, our Victoria sponges should be almost ready.

SHE BREAKS WIND

GIGGLING

Can you smell the eggy goodness? Delightful.

SHE BREAKS WIND

And the best way to enjoy cake is with a nice cup of tea.

And the secret to a good cuppa is to let it brew.

I've had this one brewing for the last ten minutes.

SHE BREAKS WIND

THE CLASS GROAN

Beautiful.

Right, time to let one out.

SHE BREAKS WIND

-Oh, no.

-Is something wrong, Emily?

No, Miss, it's nothing.

SHE BREAKS WIND

What's the matter, dear?

-Oh, Miss, look at it, it's not cooked underneath.

-Oh, Emily, dear.

There's nothing worse than a soggy bottom.

SHE BREAKS WIND

Great(!)

'Would Emily please come to the head teacher's office?'

Great(!)

Head teacher's PA, Mrs Dogsbody, has called Emily to the office to

discuss the state of her uniform with Mr Barker.

Mr Barker is known for being firm but fair.

He is also known for being a dog.

Hello, Mr Barker.

HE YELPS

Sorry about my uniform.

HE YELPS

I won't let it happen again?

HE BARKS

-Can I go now?

-Mr Barker?

HE BARKS

Yes, you can go now.

HE BARKS

Mr Barker says, "Please don't roll your eyes."

I suppose, as head teachers go, it could be worse.

The first day of the new term is over,

-and everyone reluctantly heads home.

-Home time!!!

The teachers set an example by leaving in an orderly fashion.

CRASH

-Banter.

-Nice trousers, sir.

-Goodbye, everyone. Oh!

Lovely.

Hi, Mum, I'm on my way home now. Yeah, it was OK.

Nothing interesting ever happens around here.

HE TRUMPETS LOUDLY

HE TRUMPETS LOUDLY

HE SNEEZES LOUDLY

MUSIC: Back In Black by AC/DC

# Back in black, I hit the sack

# I've been too long, I'm glad to be back

# Yes, I'm let loose from the noose

# That's kept me hanging about

# I've been looking at the sky cos it's getting me high

# Forget the hearse cos I never die

# I got nine lives... #

SCHOOL BELL