Ofsted Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours.

A school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras filmed for a year to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Today, Dockbridge High is being inspected by Ofsted,

so the staff are in early to ensure they make a good impression.

Ofsted are inspecting this school?

Preparations are still underway

when the Ofsted inspector is seen parking her car.

But the teachers take the news of her imminent arrival with

calm professionalism.

THEY SCREAM

Ofsted are coming! Ofsted are coming!

The first port of call for visitors to Dockbridge High

is the school office, where the first face they see is Miss Clover's

and the first word they hear is good.

-Good morning!

-Good morning.

Just to make you aware,

you have actually entered through the exit lane.

-Good morning!

-Good morning. Mrs Collins, Ofsted.

Here to see Mr Barker for the inspection.

Certainly. One moment.

Morning, Mr Barker.

I've got a lady here to see you.

Mrs Collins, Ofsted.

-'MR BARKER WHINES'

-Certainly. I'll let her know.

Unfortunately, Mr Barker has been detained at the vets.

Oh, dear. I hope his pet's OK. I'm an animal lover myself.

Pet?

Mr Barker doesn't have a pet.

But I thought you said...

He sends his apologies and asks if you'd mind showing yourself around?

Of course.

Here's a map for yourself.

Science block is here,

languages here,

canteen here,

so possibly sick here.

And just here is reception, where I'm saying this to you now.

Thank you.

Now, if you'd like to take a seat, you can fill in our feedback form.

As Mrs Collins begins her inspection,

deputy head Mrs Macintyre is conducting an assessment of her own.

As the school's being assessed today,

I thought I'd make a start by assessing you.

-It's not going well.

-Why?

-Let me have a look. I...

-No! It's confidential.

OW!

Right.

I'm telling Ofsted on you.

Thank you, Martin.

Oi. Potter.

A WET EXPLOSION

Aa-a-ah!

Mrs Collins is keen to go to the gym,

but she has to get this school inspection out of the way first.

Erm, excuse me.

Where's your PE kit?

Me? I'm the Ofsted inspector.

Don't give me excuses.

Do you think Usain Bolt got where he is today by coming to gym class

in a trouser suit?

Drop and give me 20.

But... But I'm the Ofsted inspector.

Ofsted?

Get up.

-You should have said.

-I did try to.

Welcome to PE.

The lesson of champions.

Now, what is it that you want to see?

-You teach.

-Oh.

I don't teach.

I coach.

Walk with me.

Today, it's gymnastics.

A sport I won five gold medals in.

Oh, at the Olympics?!

At the Dockbridge High Gymnastics Gala, 1997.

Oh.

I will now employ my ground-breaking coaching technique.

It's called learning through watching

those greater than yourself,

ie me.

Watch and learn.

Whoa! And the crowd go WI-ILD!

It's Bolton for gold!

What a performance.

Yes!

Now, you try.

Me?

You've watched, you've learnt.

Trust the process.

Ready. Steady. GO!

Well, I never.

Rubbish.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

One teacher who seems unconcerned by the Ofsted inspection

is Mr Konnundrum.

He's got bigger fish to fry.

So.

If a man wants to cook a piece of fish for his lunch

and decides to use one of the ovens in the food technology room,

or his kitchen,

but probably the food technology room...

Cooking time is 10 minutes per 500g

and the fish weighs 250g.

How long will it take to cook his,

or hers, but... hm, probably his, lunch?

-Yes, Tahj.

-Five minutes, sir.

Five minutes.

Is that all?! Argh!

-FIRE ALARM RINGS

-Quiet reading! Argh!

Gangway. Gangway.

Need to rescue my lunch.

The school is evacuated.

MR KONNUNDRUM COUGHS

Oh. I was looking forward to that mackerel.

We love it when it's a fire alarm.

We get to stop lessons and stand outside.

The only problem is, the whole place now smells of fish.

With disaster averted, it's now lunchtime.

And Mrs Collins has finally found her way to the canteen.

-Oh, you're a bit late, aren't you, my love?

-Oh, is there nothing left?

Tell you what.

I've got a couple of pies, 50p a pop.

Don't ask me where I got them, but it's all the same going down, girl.

Am I right?

Hang on, you're a bit big for a Year 8, aren't you?

I'm not a Year 8.

I'm an inspector.

Oh, my Gordon Ramsay. Well.

Can't come in the kitchen, the, erm...

Door's jammed.

Silv.

Flush them dodgy pies down the lav'.

OK, Ange.

I'm not a food inspector, I'm the Ofsted inspector.

Oh, thank goodness.

False alarm, Silv.

What about the pies?

-Well, just dry 'em off.

-OK!

Now...

about that pie.

Meanwhile, in food technology,

Miss Davis has been inundated with flowers.

Well, I must say it's rather lovely to receive

so many beautiful flowers from Mr Barker.

Although, I'm not sure why he sent so many.

MISS DAVIS FARTS

Probably cos of the smell, miss.

Smell?

Of Mr Konnundrum's burnt fish, miss.

Oh, yes.

I'm amazed he got in here without me getting wind of it.

MISS DAVIS FARTS

Today, we're going to make a savoury cheesecake.

It's a real zinger.

-SHE FARTS AGAIN

-Let's start with the base.

I'm going to rip open a cheeky cracker.

SHE FARTS

And crumble it into bits.

SHE FARTS THREE TIMES

SHE FARTS AGAIN DEEPLY

Now, I'm going to cut some cheese.

SHE FARTS

THE CLASS COUGH

Mmm. What a pungent aroma.

Oh, look busy, everyone. The Ofsted inspector will be here in two toots.

SHE FARTS TWICE

Ah! Inspector!

SHE FARTS LENGTHILY

Having recovered from the whiff of Miss Davis' cheesecake,

Mrs Collins visits Mr Christopher's music class.

So, as you can see, there's some fabulous talent in this class.

And the kids are quite good, too.

Joking!

Not joking.

So, let's cut to the chase. Would you like to see my high-kicks?

I'd just like to see a normal class. Pay no attention to me.

OK.

Yeah, right. Never ignore the judges.

OK, class. Normal lesson.

Billy, you can play Simon Cowell.

And eyes on me, eyes on me, eyes on me.

And...begin.

Hi! Hello, everyone! Hiya!

Hello. Welcome to the X Factor.

Can I just say? It's such an honour to perform for you today.

Oh, well, thank you.

So, what will you be doing for us today?

Erm, today I will be...

Oh, sorry.

I'm just... I'm really nervous.

It's just my gran's watching from backstage.

I'm doing this for her.

Singing is my life. Sorry!

OK, Mr Christopher.

I think we've heard enough.

It's a "yes" from me.

Inspector lady?

Oh, usually I just judge people and go away without saying anything.

MR CHRISTOPHER SOBS VIOLENTLY

OH! Two yeses!

That means I get to come to the judge's house!

-Where do you live?

-Grimsby.

Oh, my goodness! Do you have a pool?

No.

Ah, thank you so much!

I promise I won't let you down.

And... Normal lesson.

Tick box.

Impressed.

So, who's next?

Martin?

My name's Martin. I've got a gran and I wrote this song myself.

PLAYS TUNELESSLY

With still no sign of Mr Barker,

Mrs Collins is determined to visit as many subjects as possible

before the end of the day.

Starting with science with Mr Nasal.

MR NASAL SNEEZES

Followed by art with Miss Flip.

-MISS FLIP:

-Very creative!

Going on to textiles with Miss Dior-Durant.

-MISS DIOR-DURANT:

-I hated your trouser.

And finishing up with general studies with Mr Schofield.

Hello, good afternoon and welcome to general studies, with me,

your teacher, Mr Schofield.

And who is joining us today?

Mrs Collins, Ofsted.

Oh, Ofsted, a lovely part of the world.

And what are you hoping for today, my love?

I just want to sit in and watch the lesson.

Let's see what that's going to entail as we ask,

"Have you got what it takes

"to enter The Cuboid"?

Sitting.

Cross The Cuboid in a straight line before sitting on the chair.

Miss The Cuboid and you lose everything.

Have you got what it takes to beat The Cuboid?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

Sir? Can I take this mask off? It's boiling.

So, you've seen the challenge. It looks simple, doesn't it?

Yes, but it's always so different once you get in The Cuboid itself.

It really is. Are you prepared to take the risk?

If you choose to pass, no-one is going to

take your clipboard away from you.

That is yours to take home.

Or you could risk it all inside The Cuboid.

If you had told me at the start of the day

that I would have been leaving with my clipboard,

I would have been happy, so I'm going to settle for what I've got

and not sit in.

I think you've made a very wise decision.

Let's have a warm round of applause for our inspector.

The inspection is over and the deputy heads are keen to find out

how well Dockbridge High has done.

Thank you so much for coming, Mrs...Inspector.

-Did we pass?

-Pass?

Dockbridge High is the most chaotic, dysfunctional, messy,

silly school I have ever encountered.

Oh, thank you.

That is not a compliment. And your head teacher didn't even show up.

-It's terrible.

-Didn't you like anything?

I quite enjoyed The Cuboid, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to

close this school with immediate effect.

And what's this dog doing here?

Oh, this is Mr Barker and this is his PA.

Sorry he's late.

This dog is head teacher?

Why didn't you say so earlier? I love dogs.

So great to see one in charge of a school.

What a forward thinking establishment this must be.

MR BARKER BARKS

Absolutely. First class.

Top marks from me.

HE BARKS AGAIN

And to you.

Cheerio.

Well done, Mr Barker.

Yes, well done.

That's just what I was thinking.

MR BARKER BARKS

So, we're not getting closed down.

Which is a surprise.

And a relief.

We quite like it here.

Even if it does stink of fish.

MUSIC: Don't Stop Me Now by Queen

SCHOOL BELL RINGS