Bird Inside Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours.

A school like any other.

A place where bright, young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras filmed for a year to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

It's the start of the day and already site manager Dave

has met his first problem.

It appears an intruder has snuck into the school overnight.

Kev, we're looking for a messy eater.

PIGEONS COO

Who writes with a quill.

Scratch that. It's a bird.

Bird inside. Code seven.

This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

As Dave starts a bird hunt, Emily is in the library before registration.

Psst.

-All right, Mark?

-There's a bird inside.

-What?

-Sh!

(There's a BIRD INSIDE.)

-There's a bird inside!

-Sh!

-But, Miss...

-Sh.

-..there's...

-Sh.

-..a...

-Sh.

-..bird...

-Sh.

-..in...

-Grr.

-..the library!

-Sh-hh.

AAAH!

SHE MUTTERS

Oh!

I really did try to tell her.

SHE GROANS

Talk of the pigeon spreads throughout the school,

but its current location remains a mystery.

WINGS FLAP AND PIGEON COOS

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh. Oh.

MRS MARK HUMS

Oh.

MRS MARK CONTINUES HUMMING

Year Eight form tutor Mrs Mark won't stand for any nonsense.

Hmph. Just because there's a bird running riot in the school,

it doesn't mean the pupils can do the same.

I have very strict rules and I make no exceptions.

8B.

Who is responsible for this drawing?

I'm sorry, is there something funny, Billy?

Nah, miss. What's the drawing of?

Oh, I think you know, Billy.

It is a picture of a bird and a stick lady saying,

"I done a poo."

Is that funny?

It is a bit, miss.

I would not have someone doing a poo in my classroom.

Someone done a poo in your classroom? Ugh!

That's not what I mean. Who did it?!

-The poo?

-NOT THE POO...

The drawing.

Come on, somebody here must know.

If the culprit doesn't confess now,

we'll all just have to come back here at lunchtime.

THEY GROAN

It was me, Mum. I mean, miss.

She's not my mum.

Don't be silly, Mark, you don't need to take the blame.

But it was me. I put my name on it.

So you did!

Good.

Because I was going to say...

look at the talent of this young artist.

I mean... Pfff. Mm.

Well done, Marky. Have a lollipop.

-Can I have one, miss?

-No, you cannot.

-What do you think this is, a funfair?

-Thanks, Mum.

I mean, miss.

She's not my mum.

Well, this is definitely going on the fridge.

In drama, Sir Stanley Bleacher has been inspired

by the morning's events.

Settle down, everyone.

Have they caught the bird yet, sir?

No, sir, they have not. Because in order to catch a bird, one must...

Have a big net.

Think like a bird.

On your feet.

We're going to get inside the mind of a bird.

Now. Tahj.

I want you to take all of your frustration and fear and anger

about this bird and channel it into your performance of...

a pigeon.

Ca-ca-caw-caw-caw!

Ca-ca-ca-CA-ca-CAW! Ca-ca-caw-caw-caw-caw-CAW.

Marvellous.

Very special.

Now, majestic pigeon, who else is in the aviary with you?

You will be a parrot.

You an exotic peacock.

You shall be a wise owl.

You a penguin.

The rest of you are all seagulls.

And FLY!

THEY IMITATE BIRDS

Now, think.

You're a tiny bird trapped in this enormous school.

Be a bird.

What? Who's this?

Oh, no.

It's Mr Fox!

I'm on the hunt for food.

Run away!

Run away!

THEY SCREAM

That's acting.

Break. And from time to time,

Dockbridge High holds a bake sale to raise funds for the school

and sugar levels for the students.

You do realise that having cakes on display is very unhygienic?

Especially with a bird on the loose.

Who knows what germs have got on these.

Now, what have we here?

Ugh. It's a chocolate brownie, sir.

Ah...

Ah-h....

A...chocolate brownie? Yeah, I'll have three of them.

-And what's that one?

-Carrot cake.

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

A...carrot cake.

Yeah, I'll have two slices of that.

Hello, Mr Nasal.

Miss Spray.

I hope all those cakes aren't for you.

These? Oh, no, no, no.

I never eat cake, Miss Spray,

I like to keep my body in peak physical condition.

Very good.

Well, see you later.

Perhaps.

I certainly hope so, Miss Spray.

MR NASAL EXHALES

-I'll take that.

-Oi, that's £5.

Oh, well.

At least he didn't sneeze on...

ACHOO!

Thanks, sir.

Thanks.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Break time is over and as the timetable dictates,

8B arrive at a lesson with trainee teacher Wiz Pinkham.

Oh, squee. You got the invitations.

Epic, come in.

-What invitation?

-Duh.

To my charity auction in aid of endangered stuff -

that's totes why you're all here.

Erm, no. It's on the timetable.

I literally don't know what that is, but, erm...

It doesn't matter.

Because the real reason we're here is to raise awareness

for charity endangered stuff.

By having an auction!

Magda, darling, bang-bangy.

WIZ GIGGLES AND SNORTS

So, Daddy has donated loads of adorbs trinkets

and you all bid and bid

and the proceeds go to help charity endangered stuff.

Like, erm...

What are the ones with long necks?

-Giraffes?

-Ah!

And what about the slow ones with old-man faces?

That come in a case.

-Tortoises?

-Yah! So accessorised.

And so sad.

So, first item!

An old tennis racquet signed by Andy Murray.

THEY MUTTER, IMPRESSED

Oh, gross. It's all dusty and horrible.

Magda, darling, throw, throwy.

Ew.

Oh!

Next item.

A week's holly-bobs in our Monte Carlo mansion.

THEY GASP

Yuck. Only three of the Jet Skis even have turbo power.

Who, like, wants that?

I've got 50p.

WIZ LAUGHS AND SNORTS

What's p?!

50 pence.

Oh. Sorry, heart.

English money only.

Pence is English money.

Erm, duh! No, it's not.

English money's like thousand poundsies.

I don't have thousand poundsies.

Oh, that's totes terriblah.

I can't bear. Fine, 50 pensies.

Oh, wire-wire the money to our account in Switzerland.

Magda, darling, wire. Wirey-wirey.

OK, next item.

THEY EXCLAIM

Oh. This one's a good one.

It's Daddy's yacht.

Who'd like to start the bidding?

-90p!

-2p!

-1p!

Oh! Sold, yah!

Oh, fun!

And charity.

Emily wants to help free the pigeon,

so she's found geography teacher Mrs Crampon, who's a naturalist.

Naturally.

-Mrs Crampon, about the pigeon. I'd really like to...

-Sh!

Can you hear that?

SHE WHISTLES BADLY

That's coming from you.

I'm mimicking the bird's customary mating call.

When he responds, I'll be able to track him to his lair

and shoot him.

What?!

With the camera, lovie. Now, shush.

We must be careful not to scare him off.

Ah. Crumbs.

Follow me.

Wait!

He must have nested in the broom cupboard.

WET CHEWING

Just a little mid-morning snack. Nothing to see here.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell Miss Spray.

Oh.

Mr Pigeon must be elsewhere.

Don't worry, lovie.

I'll track him down and release him back into the wild.

Here, birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie.

Here, birdie, birdie, birdie.

The pigeon is the talk of the playground.

Yo, yo, yo. I heard it's an eagle ex-caped from the zoo.

It's got massive claws and a razor sharp beak.

It's a pigeon.

Yeah, right. Then how come it ate a year seven?

Mark, it's a pigeon.

Whatevz.

You guys wouldn't recognise an eagle if it flew down

and landed on your face.

Is that snot? Ugh.

Do eagles look like this, Mark?

Yeah, yeah, totally massive eagle, innit?

That's a pigeon.

That's just what it wants you to think.

PIGEON COOS

Site manager Dave thinks he's finally getting the upper hand

in his epic battle with the pigeon.

He's not.

I know what you're thinking. It's just a bird.

And, yeah, it is just a bird.

Today.

But tomorrow it could be something even worse.

Like...

two birds.

Er, Dave. Sir.

Sh. I'm on a stakeout.

Right. Sorry.

-You know that bird you're trying to catch?

-Bird?

Winged demon, more like.

But there's no way he's getting away from me this time.

Right, well, about that...

I'm in a heightened state of alert.

I could hear an ant cough a mile away.

Doesn't sound like you need my help, then.

I got it all under control.

Now, my fine feathered enemy.

Where are you?

Over in art, Miss Flip is guiding her class

in the subtle skills of print making.

Feel the work.

Really get inside the painting.

Oh. Not literally, Martin.

Oh.

By having the canvas on the floor, we're free to move around it.

Oh!

Emily!

I love the little bird footprints on yours.

How on earth did you get them so...

accurate?

I think an actual bird did it, miss.

Inspired. So!

Whose work is complete?

Emily!

Yours is, isn't it?

-Is it?

-Isn't it?

It is. It's finished.

Finished. Yes. No.

I think possibly it could do with

one more thing.

STAND BACK, EVERYONE!

Artist at work!

Oh, yes!

Pink!

Pink, pink, pink!

Messy! Perfect!

Paint. Here's the paint.

Well done!

Yes! Very creative.

Oh. Class dismissed.

-Wow. Ooh.

-BELL RINGS

It's the end of the day, but with the pigeon still on the loose,

Mrs Crampon and Dave stay behind in a final attempt to catch it.

SHE WHISTLES

HE COOS

-Ugh.

-Gotcha.

MUSIC: Bat Out of Hell by Meat Loaf

# Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes

# When the night is over Like a bat out of hell

# I'll be gone, gone, gone

# Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes

# But when the day is done and the sun goes down

# And the moonlight's shining... # SCHOOL BELL INTERRUPTS SONG