Monday Class Dismissed


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Transcript


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This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours,

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a school like any other.

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A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

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most respected members of the teaching profession.

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Our cameras returned for another year

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to find out what life is really like

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for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

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Welcome to Class Dismissed.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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It's a brand-new year at Dockbridge High and Emily, Jasmine,

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Tahj and Billy are keen to start Year 9...

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It's good to be back.

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Morning, sir.

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..while Mark is keen to end the rumour that his mum is a teacher.

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I don't even know why everyone keeps saying she's my mum.

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Marky!

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Mark!

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Have a good first day.

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THEY LAUGH

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She's not my mum.

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-Your mum's a teacher.

-You're a teacher.

-No, I'm not.

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-What you teaching me for?

-I'm not teaching you.

-Stop teaching me.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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Newly qualified teacher Miss Kinder is ready for anything,

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except being mistaken for a pupil.

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New kid!

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Bit nervous, but I just have to remember my training - keep calm,

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keep control and, if all else fails,

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break them!

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SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Oi, it's the new kid.

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Good morning. I am Miss Kinder.

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I'm Billy. But we usually call each other by our first names.

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I'm not a child, I'm a teacher.

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I am. Now, sit down, please.

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Are you sure you're a teacher?

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-Yes.

-Are you sure you're a pupil?

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Yeah.

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She's tiny!

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Quiet.

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Quiet!

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QUIET!

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-Prepare to be taught!

-New kid is angry.

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No talking in class.

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No back-chatting.

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No horseplay.

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Only speak when you're spoken to.

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What's all this noise? Where is your teacher?

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-I'm the teacher!

-Get down now, child.

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Honestly, I'm the teacher.

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-Sorry.

-Impersonating a teacher - one of the gravest of all school crimes.

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You're in a lot of trouble, young lady.

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But I really am the teacher.

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I was just trying to break them like they taught me at teacher training.

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My office, now!

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-But...

-Now!

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But...

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You will regret this, Year 9.

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You mark my words, you will regret this!

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That kid's weird.

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The Year 7s are on an extensive tour of their new school

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with office manager Miss Clover.

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Sorry about this, Year 7, I had the map upside down.

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But we're on our way now.

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-Some tour!

-Now, this area is known as the corridor.

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And if you take a look to your left and up, that's the stairwell.

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We call it the stairwell.

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Where's our classroom, Miss?

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Where's the canteen, Miss?

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Aren't we going to be late for our lessons, Miss?

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We haven't finished the tour yet, Molly.

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Now, this is the fire exit.

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-We call it...

-The fire exit.

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Have you been here before?

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Come on.

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As the Year 7s visit the second-floor corridor yet again...

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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..Mark is catching up with his mates.

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You have not got a girlfriend.

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-Have.

-Haven't.

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-Have.

-You've got a girlfriend like Mrs Mark's not your mum.

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Oh, she's not my mum!

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And I have got a girlfriend.

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-She's in Year 12.

-You're not going out with someone in Year 12.

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Am too.

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Here she comes.

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Her name's Marcella.

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We met at the ice rink. I did a 360 on my head

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and she said it was the best thing she'd ever seen.

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-Prove it.

-Yeah.

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-Why don't you go talk to her?

-Fine.

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I will.

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-I can't watch.

-I can.

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Hi, babe.

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It's me.

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Mark. Remember?

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-From the ice rink.

-Who?

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Year 9 are settling in for another year of dubious English lessons

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with Mr Capp.

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Bringing classic texts to a modern audience - squad goals!

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You get me?

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We don't get him.

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Right.

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Today we are going to be looking at one of the all-time greats -

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medieval poet, big Geoff Chaucer.

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Yeah! We're going to boxset-binge on the Banter-bury Tales!

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Holla! Say what?!

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What is this ancient dude from ye olden times got to do with us,

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the yout'? Well,

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I'll show you by playing a rad track I downloaded from the clouds,

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and apped to my i-wi.

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-You're going to love this.

-Pretty sure we won't.

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PHONE PLAYS GOLD DIGGER BY KANYE WEST

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What's this? Chaucer's The Wife Of Bath meets Kanye?

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-# She gives me money... #

-Mash up central!

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Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger,

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but she been messing with five husbands, yeah.

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Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger,

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but she been messing with five husbands, yeah.

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Get down, Wife Of Bath, break it down.

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To the W-I-F-E.

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She's a wife, of Bath, but she hasn't got a bath.

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HIS PHONE STARTS PLAYING BARBIE GIRL BY AQUA

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CLASS LAUGH

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That's not mine! I downloaded it for a friend!

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It's on shuffle.

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PHONE PLAYS CRAZY FROG BY AXEL F

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-Nice tune, sir.

-CLASS LAUGH

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Banter.

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Banter!

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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Lunchtime, and Mrs Mark is receiving some unsettling news.

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Mark's got a girlfriend?

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My Mark?

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SHE LAUGHS

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Excuse me one moment.

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Marky!

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-Ow!

-Sorry.

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Give it up, Mark. She doesn't even know you're alive.

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She's... She's my girlfriend, man.

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Why don't anyone believe me?

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Cos it's totally unbelievable.

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Fine, I'll get her to tell you herself.

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-What, now?

-Now.

-Now.

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MARK HUFFS

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Hi, babe.

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Literally, what do you want?

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-MARK'S MUM:

-Marky!

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Marky!

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Oh, and who's this?

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Apparently she's his girlfriend.

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I'm literally not.

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You are not!

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And literally what's it got to do with you anyway?

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I'm Mark's mum.

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Oh, my goodness - your mum's literally a teacher!

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THEY LAUGH AND STOP ABRUPTLY

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-She's not my mum.

-She is your mum.

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-You're a mum.

-That's right.

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-Mark's my son.

-Shut up, Mum. I mean...Miss.

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-She's not my mum.

-And who are you?

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-That's my girlfriend.

-She is not your girlfriend!

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I'm literally not your girlfriend.

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Come along, Marky. I don't want you hanging around with nasty girls.

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She's not my mum, honest!

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-HIS MUM SHOUTS:

-Mark!

-MARK SIGHS

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Amazing.

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Having spent the morning in detention

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for "impersonating a teacher",

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real-life teacher Miss Kinder is heading to the staff room for lunch.

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-DANCE MUSIC COMES FROM INSIDE

-ID. Sorry?

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You will be. How old are you?

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-25.

-Oh, a smart aleck!

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No, a teacher.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha! Come on, sunshine.

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I wasn't born yesterday, although it looks like you were.

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Let me in! I'm a teacher!

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We're having a bit of trouble out the front, sir,

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if you wouldn't mind joining us?

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-You, again!

-Oh, hello, Mr Potter.

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I was just about to go into the staff room.

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Impersonating a teacher again?

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Outrageous! My office, now!

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I have a right to go into the staff room! I am a teacher!

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DANCE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY AND STAFF SCREAM

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-DOG BARKS

-A student!

-I'm a teacher! No, wait!

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DANCE MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN AND STAFF CHEER

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Right, you leave me no choice.

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I'm going to have to call your parents.

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Come on, sunshine.

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I'm a teacher!

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SHE CONTINUES TO SCREECH

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In the science prep room,

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Mr Nasal and Miss Spray are preparing to spend

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their first afternoon apart since the summer holidays.

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I'll miss you today, Miss Spray.

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I'll miss you too, Mr Nasal.

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Yes, Miss Spray and I are officially a couple.

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But we're keeping things professional at work -

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we wouldn't want the children to find out.

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So, open up your textbooks, please, Year 9.

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-HE GASPS

-Miss Spray!

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I mean, erm, look, Year 9, it's Miss Spray, the lab technician,

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who I know on a professional basis.

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-Hello, Mr Nasal.

-THE CLASS GIGGLES

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Could I just borrow some methane, Mr Nasal?

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I've completely run out.

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Oh, yeah, of course, Miss Spray.

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I'll help you carry it.

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THE CLASS TITTERS

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Miss you, Mr Nasal.

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Miss you too, Miss Spray.

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So, where were we?

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Bacteria, blah, blah, blah...

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Any questions?

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-Are you and Miss Spray going out?

-Any questions about bacteria?

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-Are you, though?

-Don't be ridiculous!

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Of course not. No, no, I'm a science professional -

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I don't have time for relationships.

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-Miss Spray!

-Hello, Mr Nasal.

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Could I borrow your skeleton?

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Of course you can.

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Aw, they're in love!

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It makes him seem a bit less gross.

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HE SNEEZES AND THE CLASS GASP

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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In Year 9, mature behaviour is expected at all times.

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Unfortunately, no-one told the teacher.

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TEACHER GIGGLES

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-Hello, everybody.

-ALL: Hi, Miss.

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Hello. I'm Miss Fun-With-Numbers.

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What's your name?

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ALL SHOUT OUT THEIR NAMES

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I can't hear you.

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-THEY SHOUT NAMES LOUDER

-Well done.

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That was brilliant.

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But look at the time!

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It's time to start learning.

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Do you know what learning is?

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Erm... Yeah, we all do.

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Learning is when we hear new things

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and try to remember them in our heads.

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Can everyone point to their heads?

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# Head, shoulders, knees and toes

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# Knees and toes. #

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Phew! That was fun.

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Can we learn something that will help us pass our SATS, please, Miss?

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I'm a rabbit!

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Do you all want to be rabbits, too?

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Miss, seriously, can we look at the curriculum?

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I can't answer you, silly!

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I'm a rabbit and rabbits can't talk.

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But they can send little girls to isolation.

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Off you go.

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Hoppity hop!

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Worst lesson ever.

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We didn't even learn anything.

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Yeah, we did - where our heads are, rabbits can't talk...

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Honestly, this guy.

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In the isolation room, Emily is getting on with some work.

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But she's not alone.

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-Do you want a lollipop?

-No, thanks.

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Tammy has been in isolation since a particularly bad case

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of talking back, in 1989.

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It's OK, I don't mind sharing.

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Except my Jason Donovan spit collection,

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because that is mine and worth a fortune.

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But, OK, you can have a look at it.

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What's your favouritest crisp flavour?

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Let's say at the same time.

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Er, I don't know. Prawn...

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Prawn cocktail! I knew we were going to be best friends

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for infinity! Pinkie promise!

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You do know that's not how you do that?

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SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

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-TEACHER'S VOICE:

-Right, that's it -

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-you're both in isolation for the rest of the day.

-Yes!

-Miss!

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You are welcome.

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Best friends for ever.

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We're going to a Jason Donovan concert together.

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I don't even know who that is.

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He's awesome.

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And so are you...

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Bestie.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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The final lesson of the day is maths,

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where Mr Conundrum is using a visual aid to assist learning.

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So, if a man is making a model aeroplane

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and superglue takes five seconds

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per two centimetres squared of surface area to dry,

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how long will it take for the man's hand

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to completely bond with his plane?

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-THE CLASS LAUGH

-Or his pen?

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-Yes, Tahj?

-20.5 seconds, sir.

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Oh, dear!

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SQUELCHING

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Oh... And, for an extra mark,

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if the man forgets that the superglue is in his back pocket

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and sits on it, how long will it take for the man's bottom

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to completely bond with the chair?

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5.5 seconds, sir.

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HE GROANS

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Right.

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HE GROANS, CLASS LAUGH

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Quiet reading.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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The first day of term has come to an end,

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and while some are pleased to be back...

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Laters, guys. Holla!

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..for others, it's not been the best of starts.

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How was isolation?

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-Don't ask.

-Come along, dear.

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-Let's get you home.

-This is ridiculous!

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I can't believe you called my actual parents.

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See you tomorrow, sir.

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-Yes... Hopefully.

-HE GROANS

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Well, at least it's only ten months until the summer holidays.

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# The boys are back in town The boys are back in town

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# I said the boys are back in town

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# The boys are back in town The boys are back in town

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# The boys are back in town. #

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