Monday Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours,

a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year

to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

It's a brand-new year at Dockbridge High and Emily, Jasmine,

Tahj and Billy are keen to start Year 9...

It's good to be back.

Morning, sir.

..while Mark is keen to end the rumour that his mum is a teacher.

I don't even know why everyone keeps saying she's my mum.

Marky!

Mark!

Have a good first day.

THEY LAUGH

She's not my mum.

-Your mum's a teacher.

-You're a teacher.

-No, I'm not.

-What you teaching me for?

-I'm not teaching you.

-Stop teaching me.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Newly qualified teacher Miss Kinder is ready for anything,

except being mistaken for a pupil.

New kid!

Bit nervous, but I just have to remember my training - keep calm,

keep control and, if all else fails,

break them!

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Oi, it's the new kid.

Good morning. I am Miss Kinder.

I'm Billy. But we usually call each other by our first names.

I'm not a child, I'm a teacher.

I am. Now, sit down, please.

Are you sure you're a teacher?

-Yes.

-Are you sure you're a pupil?

Yeah.

She's tiny!

Quiet.

Quiet!

QUIET!

-Prepare to be taught!

-New kid is angry.

No talking in class.

No back-chatting.

No horseplay.

Only speak when you're spoken to.

What's all this noise? Where is your teacher?

-I'm the teacher!

-Get down now, child.

Honestly, I'm the teacher.

-Sorry.

-Impersonating a teacher - one of the gravest of all school crimes.

You're in a lot of trouble, young lady.

But I really am the teacher.

I was just trying to break them like they taught me at teacher training.

My office, now!

-But...

-Now!

But...

You will regret this, Year 9.

You mark my words, you will regret this!

That kid's weird.

The Year 7s are on an extensive tour of their new school

with office manager Miss Clover.

Sorry about this, Year 7, I had the map upside down.

But we're on our way now.

-Some tour!

-Now, this area is known as the corridor.

And if you take a look to your left and up, that's the stairwell.

We call it the stairwell.

Where's our classroom, Miss?

Where's the canteen, Miss?

Aren't we going to be late for our lessons, Miss?

We haven't finished the tour yet, Molly.

Now, this is the fire exit.

-We call it...

-The fire exit.

Have you been here before?

Come on.

As the Year 7s visit the second-floor corridor yet again...

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

..Mark is catching up with his mates.

You have not got a girlfriend.

-Have.

-Haven't.

-Have.

-You've got a girlfriend like Mrs Mark's not your mum.

Oh, she's not my mum!

And I have got a girlfriend.

-She's in Year 12.

-You're not going out with someone in Year 12.

Am too.

Here she comes.

Her name's Marcella.

We met at the ice rink. I did a 360 on my head

and she said it was the best thing she'd ever seen.

-Prove it.

-Yeah.

-Why don't you go talk to her?

-Fine.

I will.

-I can't watch.

-I can.

Hi, babe.

It's me.

Mark. Remember?

-From the ice rink.

-Who?

Year 9 are settling in for another year of dubious English lessons

with Mr Capp.

Bringing classic texts to a modern audience - squad goals!

You get me?

We don't get him.

Right.

Today we are going to be looking at one of the all-time greats -

medieval poet, big Geoff Chaucer.

Yeah! We're going to boxset-binge on the Banter-bury Tales!

Holla! Say what?!

What is this ancient dude from ye olden times got to do with us,

the yout'? Well,

I'll show you by playing a rad track I downloaded from the clouds,

and apped to my i-wi.

-You're going to love this.

-Pretty sure we won't.

PHONE PLAYS GOLD DIGGER BY KANYE WEST

What's this? Chaucer's The Wife Of Bath meets Kanye?

-# She gives me money... #

-Mash up central!

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger,

but she been messing with five husbands, yeah.

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger,

but she been messing with five husbands, yeah.

Get down, Wife Of Bath, break it down.

To the W-I-F-E.

She's a wife, of Bath, but she hasn't got a bath.

HIS PHONE STARTS PLAYING BARBIE GIRL BY AQUA

CLASS LAUGH

That's not mine! I downloaded it for a friend!

It's on shuffle.

PHONE PLAYS CRAZY FROG BY AXEL F

-Nice tune, sir.

-CLASS LAUGH

Banter.

Banter!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Lunchtime, and Mrs Mark is receiving some unsettling news.

Mark's got a girlfriend?

My Mark?

SHE LAUGHS

Excuse me one moment.

Marky!

-Ow!

-Sorry.

Give it up, Mark. She doesn't even know you're alive.

She's... She's my girlfriend, man.

Why don't anyone believe me?

Cos it's totally unbelievable.

Fine, I'll get her to tell you herself.

-What, now?

-Now.

-Now.

MARK HUFFS

Hi, babe.

Literally, what do you want?

-MARK'S MUM:

-Marky!

Marky!

Oh, and who's this?

Apparently she's his girlfriend.

I'm literally not.

You are not!

And literally what's it got to do with you anyway?

I'm Mark's mum.

Oh, my goodness - your mum's literally a teacher!

THEY LAUGH AND STOP ABRUPTLY

-She's not my mum.

-She is your mum.

-You're a mum.

-That's right.

-Mark's my son.

-Shut up, Mum. I mean...Miss.

-She's not my mum.

-And who are you?

-That's my girlfriend.

-She is not your girlfriend!

I'm literally not your girlfriend.

Come along, Marky. I don't want you hanging around with nasty girls.

She's not my mum, honest!

-HIS MUM SHOUTS:

-Mark!

-MARK SIGHS

Amazing.

Having spent the morning in detention

for "impersonating a teacher",

real-life teacher Miss Kinder is heading to the staff room for lunch.

-DANCE MUSIC COMES FROM INSIDE

-ID. Sorry?

You will be. How old are you?

-25.

-Oh, a smart aleck!

No, a teacher.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Come on, sunshine.

I wasn't born yesterday, although it looks like you were.

Let me in! I'm a teacher!

We're having a bit of trouble out the front, sir,

if you wouldn't mind joining us?

-You, again!

-Oh, hello, Mr Potter.

I was just about to go into the staff room.

Impersonating a teacher again?

Outrageous! My office, now!

I have a right to go into the staff room! I am a teacher!

DANCE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY AND STAFF SCREAM

-DOG BARKS

-A student!

-I'm a teacher! No, wait!

DANCE MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN AND STAFF CHEER

Right, you leave me no choice.

I'm going to have to call your parents.

Come on, sunshine.

I'm a teacher!

SHE CONTINUES TO SCREECH

In the science prep room,

Mr Nasal and Miss Spray are preparing to spend

their first afternoon apart since the summer holidays.

I'll miss you today, Miss Spray.

I'll miss you too, Mr Nasal.

Yes, Miss Spray and I are officially a couple.

But we're keeping things professional at work -

we wouldn't want the children to find out.

So, open up your textbooks, please, Year 9.

-HE GASPS

-Miss Spray!

I mean, erm, look, Year 9, it's Miss Spray, the lab technician,

who I know on a professional basis.

-Hello, Mr Nasal.

-THE CLASS GIGGLES

Could I just borrow some methane, Mr Nasal?

I've completely run out.

Oh, yeah, of course, Miss Spray.

I'll help you carry it.

THE CLASS TITTERS

Miss you, Mr Nasal.

Miss you too, Miss Spray.

So, where were we?

Bacteria, blah, blah, blah...

Any questions?

-Are you and Miss Spray going out?

-Any questions about bacteria?

-Are you, though?

-Don't be ridiculous!

Of course not. No, no, I'm a science professional -

I don't have time for relationships.

-Miss Spray!

-Hello, Mr Nasal.

Could I borrow your skeleton?

Of course you can.

Aw, they're in love!

It makes him seem a bit less gross.

HE SNEEZES AND THE CLASS GASP

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

In Year 9, mature behaviour is expected at all times.

Unfortunately, no-one told the teacher.

TEACHER GIGGLES

-Hello, everybody.

-ALL: Hi, Miss.

Hello. I'm Miss Fun-With-Numbers.

What's your name?

ALL SHOUT OUT THEIR NAMES

I can't hear you.

-THEY SHOUT NAMES LOUDER

-Well done.

That was brilliant.

But look at the time!

It's time to start learning.

Do you know what learning is?

Erm... Yeah, we all do.

Learning is when we hear new things

and try to remember them in our heads.

Can everyone point to their heads?

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes

# Knees and toes. #

Phew! That was fun.

Can we learn something that will help us pass our SATS, please, Miss?

I'm a rabbit!

Do you all want to be rabbits, too?

Miss, seriously, can we look at the curriculum?

I can't answer you, silly!

I'm a rabbit and rabbits can't talk.

But they can send little girls to isolation.

Off you go.

Hoppity hop!

Worst lesson ever.

We didn't even learn anything.

Yeah, we did - where our heads are, rabbits can't talk...

Honestly, this guy.

In the isolation room, Emily is getting on with some work.

But she's not alone.

-Do you want a lollipop?

-No, thanks.

Tammy has been in isolation since a particularly bad case

of talking back, in 1989.

It's OK, I don't mind sharing.

Except my Jason Donovan spit collection,

because that is mine and worth a fortune.

But, OK, you can have a look at it.

What's your favouritest crisp flavour?

Let's say at the same time.

Er, I don't know. Prawn...

Prawn cocktail! I knew we were going to be best friends

for infinity! Pinkie promise!

You do know that's not how you do that?

SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

-TEACHER'S VOICE:

-Right, that's it -

-you're both in isolation for the rest of the day.

-Yes!

-Miss!

You are welcome.

Best friends for ever.

We're going to a Jason Donovan concert together.

I don't even know who that is.

He's awesome.

And so are you...

Bestie.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

The final lesson of the day is maths,

where Mr Conundrum is using a visual aid to assist learning.

So, if a man is making a model aeroplane

and superglue takes five seconds

per two centimetres squared of surface area to dry,

how long will it take for the man's hand

to completely bond with his plane?

-THE CLASS LAUGH

-Or his pen?

-Yes, Tahj?

-20.5 seconds, sir.

Oh, dear!

SQUELCHING

Oh... And, for an extra mark,

if the man forgets that the superglue is in his back pocket

and sits on it, how long will it take for the man's bottom

to completely bond with the chair?

5.5 seconds, sir.

HE GROANS

Right.

HE GROANS, CLASS LAUGH

Quiet reading.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

The first day of term has come to an end,

and while some are pleased to be back...

Laters, guys. Holla!

..for others, it's not been the best of starts.

How was isolation?

-Don't ask.

-Come along, dear.

-Let's get you home.

-This is ridiculous!

I can't believe you called my actual parents.

See you tomorrow, sir.

-Yes... Hopefully.

-HE GROANS

Well, at least it's only ten months until the summer holidays.

# The boys are back in town The boys are back in town

# I said the boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town The boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town. #