Tuesday Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours,

a school like any other,

a place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year

to find out what life is really like for the students

and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

BELL RINGS

Come in.

Form tutor Mrs Mark is thrilled to have stayed with her class

as they enter Year 9.

Oh, the children are just delighted to have me

as their form tutor again this year.

Young people love consistency.

I can't believe we've got Mark's mum again this year.

She's not my mum!

Billy?

-Yes, miss.

-Elliot?

-Yes, miss.

At Dockbridge High, any absent child has a letter sent to their parents,

even if their parent is a teacher.

-Jasmine?

-Yes, miss.

-Martin?

-Present.

-Tahj?

-Yes, miss.

-You missed out Mark, miss.

Did I? Oh, well, so I have a few notices.

You wouldn't have left him out

cos he's not here yet, would you, miss?

Absolutely not.

The register doesn't have to be in alphabetical order, does it?

I can do it however I like.

Especially if it means not giving Mark an absent.

-So, um... Billy?

-Yes, again, miss.

-Um...Nigel?

-Who?

He's new.

Oh, I see! No Nigel. Well, I'll be writing home to his parents.

Doreen?

Yes, miss.

Oh, thank you, Doreen.

-Ridiculous.

-You've done everyone except Mark.

-Have I?

-So you'll have to say his name.

Fine. I will.

Mmmmmm...

mmmmaaaaa....

aaaaaaaaa...

..aaaaaarrrrrrk?

Yes, Mum. I mean, miss.

She's not my mum!

Well done, Marky!

100% attendance.

-Boom!

-BELL RINGS

Year 9 are excited about their first lesson of the day,

especially as Mrs Hackvinda has promised she can get her hands

on the latest video game release.

So, miss, Sharks Versus Dragons, did you get it?

-What do you think?

-Did you stay up all night outside the shop, miss?

You don't think I'm stupid enough

to queue all night just to get a game, do you?

I got Mr Capp to do it for me.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Yeah, YOLO! What's up, my peeps?

-Who wants to play?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Is that peak or what?

And game on.

VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS

-Can I have a go?

-Shh!

I'll just wait here, then. Let me know when it's my turn, all right?

HE IMITATES EXPLOSION

HE SNORES

So cute when he sleeps, and so much less annoying.

-Miss, miss! Boss alert!

-Power off, class!

Mrs Hackvinda, I thought I heard music.

Music?

No, no, no, Mr Potter. We're studying the theory of computers.

Very well.

SNORING CONTINUES

What is Mr Capp doing here...

-..asleep?!

-He said something about staying up all night doing marking.

Marking! Ah! That's what I like to hear.

Would you return him to his classroom, please, Mr Potter?

His snoring is distracting us from our study.

Very well. As you were.

Action stations, class. This game won't play itself.

VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS

As Mr Potter returns Mr Capp to his classroom...

..Mr Christopher is getting ready to share some exciting news.

So, you probably heard, I've been promoted to head of arts,

-not including actual art.

-HE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

It's a really big deal and, like, everybody wanted the job.

But what can I say? I'm a natural born leader.

And tambourine player.

Now, Martin.

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'please welcome the new Dockbridge High head of arts,

'Mr Christopher!'

Thank you! Thank you! And thank you.

So, guys, I'm sure you've all heard the rumours.

# Rumour has it! # And I can confirm it's true.

I, Mr Christopher, have won the public vote

to become head of arts.

That's right, music, dance

and drama are all M-I-N-E.

-Mine!

-But not actual art, sir?

-No, Emily, not actual art.

Just the kind of art where it's hard to prove

if someone's any good or not. Subjective.

So, I'm going to need an entourage and it can't just be Martin.

Please sign up for an audition slot.

Only those who can harmonise a high C need apply.

You should do it, Anna. She's amazing, sir.

-Amazing how?

-She was in a musical over the summer.

Musical?

It was only at my local youth theatre, but it was pretty good.

Go on, show him. You're really good.

-ALL:

-Do it!

-Go on, Anna.

-I don't know what to sing.

-You heard her, she doesn't want to.

So back to moi...

-ALL CHANT:

-Anna, Anna, Anna...

# I dreamed a dream in time gone by

# When hope was high and life was... #

-Detention!

-THEY GASP

Sing without a warm-up?

I wouldn't be doing my job if I let her get away with that.

Committed. Now, guys, ooh, I've got a head of department migraine,

so I need to go to my dressing room.

No-one follow me.

Martin, follow me.

BELL RINGS And so to the next lesson.

Unlike Mr Christopher, Mr Rom teaches actual art.

Mr Rom is very big on the New York art scene,

but at Dockbridge High, he can't be seen at all.

THEY GASP

HE HOWLS

I call that piece The Wolf Of Wall Street.

It was purchased by Richard Branson for 100 billion.

Although I'm getting a little tired of living in his living room.

The first thing that you need to know about art

is that there is no such thing as art, but that art is everywhere.

There's no such thing as art, but art is everywhere?

Precisely. Excellent.

You should not notice it, but at the same time,

always be conscious that it's there.

So, invisible, but visible?

Precisely.

Confused?

Conceptualise.

Today, we are going to draw...

-..nothing.

-What?

-Pick up your pencils.

You have 20 minutes, starting...

..now.

What?

THEY GASP

Time's up.

Let me see your art.

Exquisite.

Incredible.

I'm going to have a very exciting year with you all.

Class dismissed.

BELL RINGS

Apart from you, Martin.

This is a very pedestrian work.

Stay behind and do it again.

BELL RINGS

Break time and the pupils let off some steam

under the ever watchful eye of the teacher on playground duty.

As Mr Capp grabs 40 winks... HE SNORES

..Emily is in the library.

It's run by Mrs Winston on a mix of fear, intimidation

and a strict returns policy.

I make them an offer they can't refuse.

Bring back your library books on time or pay the price.

20 pence per book.

So, I'm standing here thinking, "That can't be Emily,"

cos Emily took out three books

from the library and hasn't returned them yet!

Oh, yeah, sorry, I keep forgetting.

I gave you a loan,

and there was only one condition - don't be overdue.

Also, don't bend the corners, capiche?

So, doll face, you owe me 20 pence per book.

And I always collect.

I'll bring it tomorrow.

Swell.

Cos I would hate to see something

terrible happen to that bicycle of yours.

Send my best to your ma and pa! She's a good kid.

Who knew that visiting the library would be so intense?

BELL RINGS

After lunch, 9B head outside for a lesson in survival techniques

with Australian teacher Bruce Turnip.

G'day, kids.

I'm Mr Turnip, but you can call me Bruce,

"Bruce-o" or "you flamin' galah".

This term, you're going to be spending a lot of time outside

with that big old sun beating down on you.

Oh, I can feel myself sweating already.

I'm freezing.

Out here, you're at the mercy of the elements.

Not like when you're all safe and indoors.

But the real killer is a lack of survival juice - water.

-I've got some here, sir.

-We need to find some water fast.

Luckily, I buried a plastic bag out here several days ago.

Let's see if it's gathered any moisture.

Whoa, it's roasting.

Oh, beaut!

Now, this might not look like that bottled stuff you get

when you're all safe and indoors,

but when you haven't drunk for hours in this heat,

-it's going to taste divine.

-PUPILS GROAN

Are you sure you don't want some of mine, sir?

That is bad. Argh!

That's like licking my old nan's sock,

but it's going to keep us all alive in this heat.

Right, class, it's over to you.

THUNDER CLAPS

I buried 25 plastic bags out here and it's your only chance

of finding water in this heat.

-Uh, sir?

-Yes, mate?

-It's going to rain.

-You're hallucinating, skip!

It must be the dehydration!

-It's just so roasting hot out here!

-RAIN PITTER-PATTERS

I've never seen such a sweaty man. Have you?

BELL RINGS

The last lesson of the day is general studies, with Mr Scholfield.

Hello, and welcome back to General Studies,

with me, your host, Mr Scholfield.

General Studies, the subject where literally any topic

could crop up and often does.

This term, you'll be working in pairs, but the question is -

will you be able to find the right partner?

Emily, what are you looking for in a project partner?

Someone who'll get the work done

and knows a bit about general studies.

OK. Well, let's see if we've got the perfect project partner for you.

And, remember, class - no likey...

-ALL:

-No lighty!

Oh-ho! It's time to let the general studies textbook

see the bookshelf!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, my name is Billy,

and I'm looking to partner you in this term's project.

Some people have already made their decision.

Jasmine, why have you rejected Billy?

He spilled my drink yesterday and I still haven't forgiven him.

-BOOING AND HISSING

-Oh, fair enough!

Billy, this is your last chance

to convince your remaining classmates

that you are the project partner for them.

Take it away.

I love general studies and I can name all the generals

from both World Wars.

It's not that kind of general studies.

Oh, it's not looking good, Billy,

but there's one light left on so you've got a partner after all.

Congratulations.

Tahj, why do you think that Billy would make a good project partner?

I don't, but he's my mate, so what can I do?

OK, boys, well done.

You have won the first project assignment.

You are going to be filling in this survey with passers-by...

THEY LAUGH

..on the tropical island of Fernando!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, MUSIC PLAYS

It's the end of the school day.

-As Mr Capp finally wakes up...

-Where am I?

-..and gets rehydrated...

-Get that down you!

..Billy and Tahj are on their way to the airport.

We'll send you a postcard.

Not a bad end to a Tuesday.

# I come from a land down under

# Where women glow and men plunder

# Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?

# You better run, you better take cover... #