Nits! Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours,

a school like any other,

a place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year to find out

what life is really like for the students

and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

It's early morning, and school nurse Mr Heart

is hoping for a medical emergency.

KNOCKING

Come in.

-Morning, sir.

-What seems to be the problem, Scout?

Heart problems? Plague?

-Loose limb?

-No.

My head's just really itchy.

Let's take a look at you. Could be a rare case of cranial scalpitus.

Or it could just be nits. Yeah. It's nits.

NITS! The only medical emergency that scares the Holby City

out of me on account of my beautiful hair!

There's only one thing for it - quarantine!

-But I've got maths.

-No! You've got nits!

You need to be isolated, stat!

Whoa!

SHE BANGS ON DOOR

Let me out!

They're everywhere!

Mayday, Mayday. Requesting backup.

I've got an outbreak of nits at Dockbridge High.

Did someone say outbreak?

BEEPING

Who are you?

They call me the nit nurse - license to delouse.

BANGING FROM INSIDE DOOR

-Hello?

-Quarantine? Good.

But it's not safe here. You need to come with me.

-Where are we going?

-We're going to kill them all, pet.

One nit at a time.

Come on!

As the nit nurse begins headhunting,

Year Nine are in Geography with part-time teacher,

full-time street magician, Miss Presto.

Miss? Could you draw the water cycle on the board, please?

I could, Tahj.

Or I could amaze you with my latest magic trick!

Pick a card, yeah? Just touch with your finger.

Don't tell me what it is.

Now, watch the wall closely.

-Is this your card?

-No.

-This one?

-No.

-This one?

-No.

You see? It's disappeared!

And that's magic.

Right, let's try another.

Or you could draw the water cycle, Miss.

You know? Evaporation, precipitation...

Levitation!

Great idea, Tahj! Ready?

Just watch my feet.

I've just got to concentrate...

As Tahj finishes drawing the water cycle,

the nit nurse and her new sidekick, Mr Heart,

are realising the scale of the situation.

Oh, my... Heart, we have a problem.

I know. Just thought of all these nits is making me itchy.

No. Two o'clock.

The kid with the longest hair I've seen in a decade of delousing.

If a nit gets into those locks,

it'll start a colony that'll never be defeated.

The mothership.

There's no time to lose. Let's go in.

-Come with us if you don't want nits!

-What?!

-There's no time to explain.

But you and your hair are in grave danger.

-But I've got double Science!

-But what if you get nits?

It's all right, I've got my own nit comb.

That's not a nit comb. This is a nit comb.

Now, sure, you can take your chances with that flowing mane of yours,

but you've got to ask yourself one question - do I feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?

-Then let's get you out of here.

-This way, ma'am.

Listen up, nits - I've got a very particular set of skills,

skills that make me a nightmare for nits like you.

So, know this...

..I will look for you, I will find you,

and I will kill you.

Move out!

In Science, the pupils are putting up with two health hazards -

the outbreak of nits and Mr Nasal's nose.

OK, Year Nine, let's discuss nits.

I for one have never, ever, EVER had nits.

Dirty little blighters.

Actually, sir, nits prefer clean hair,

so having them doesn't mean you're dirty.

Nonsense. If that's true, how come I've never had any?

Exactly. Now, who here would like to look at a nit under the microscope?

Emily and Jasmine, you can come up first.

Look at that!

HE INHALES

Emily...

HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY

Disgusting, aren't they?

BELL RINGS

News of the nits epidemic has spread around the school,

and so have the nits.

Fortunately, site manager Dave has a special mop

for just such an occasion.

Unfortunately, Kev, the cleaner,

has accidentally shut himself in the mop cupboard with it.

All right, Kev?

When I say "push", you push and I'll pull.

-Got it?

-MUFFLED:

-All right, Dave.

OK. Three, two, one, push.

THEY STRAIN

Dave, it's dark in here!

Now hold it there, Kev.

It's not working. All right, this time, you pull and I'll push.

-Got it?

-All right, Dave.

OK, let's try it again.

Three, two, one, pull.

KEV GROANS

Uh! No, it's no use.

It's stuck.

Kevin, you do know the difference between push and pull, don't you?

Erm...

Apparently not.

Sorry, Dave.

In Councillor Joy's citizenship class,

the pupils are learning about resilience.

So, today, we are going to talk about resilience,

about bouncing back from life's little knocks.

This nits epidemic gives us a great case study.

So, who's been accused of having nits today?

-And how did that make you feel, Harriet?

-Cross, Miss.

Ah-a-a! Call me Joy.

Cross, Joy. Cos I don't have nits, I just had an itch.

So, as you can see,

Harriet may have thick hair but she also needed a thick skin.

-Whether she has nits...

-I don't.

..or not, Harriet has to learn to shrug off things

that don't really matter, and move on.

Right? That is resilience.

That doesn't look right.

It's I before E, Miss.

Oh.

Yes, I... I've made a spelling mistake.

Well done, Joy, they're all having a good laugh at you now.

It easily fixed, Miss. I mean, Joy.

I before E, except if you're me! I can't believe I've been so stupid!

Don't worry, we all struggle with spelling sometimes.

Honestly, it's fine, Miss.

Joy!

I'm sorry, children, but I need some time out, in my safe space.

Oh, don't, Miss - it doesn't matter.

Be resilient. Shrug it off.

Wait for me, Joy.

I don't have nits!

BELL RINGS

Lunchtime, and Billy is in the library,

where Mrs Winston demands respect,

loyalty and an appreciation of the classics.

Billy, Billy, Billy... You're a smart kid.

So tell me why you're reading this garbage.

Mutant Harvest is a classic.

Now, you listen to me, kid, and you listen good.

I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen.

I think you'll find her characterisation

of Regency society quite spellbinding.

You know, I would hate to see that nice bag of yours

have a nasty accident.

Wouldn't you, Ron?

RON GROWLS

Wise move. And remember, don't be overdue!

Elsewhere, in an empty classroom, the nit nurse

is prepping her nit kit.

-Nit comb?

-Check.

-Nit lotion?

-Check.

-Nit spray?

-Check.

And I got each of you one of these.

They've got holes in them, sir.

The nits are small enough to climb through.

-Dang, they thought of everything!

-Nit wit?

-Check.

THEY SNIGGER

What we need is a way to get all the nitted-headed ninnies

-together in one place.

-BELL RINGS

-I know where, Miss.

-Then let's rock and roll, nit pickers.

As the nit pickers prepare for battle,

Year Nine are preparing for Maths.

So, if a man, on his lunch break at school - or wherever he works,

but it's probably a school -

goes to a shop to buy a bottle of water,

the water costs £1.10 but the minimum spend

to use a debit card is £5.

Should he A, pay the EXTORTIONATE £3.90 more,

but get nothing extra,

or B, bring his total spend to over £5

by buying a top-of-the-range barbecue

for £499.99p?

-Yes, Tahj?

-Couldn't he just walk to the nearest cashpoint, sir?

-Then he wouldn't have to pay anything extra at all.

-Oh.

Yes, that's a good idea actually, Tahj.

-Delivery for Mr Conundrum.

-Oh, dear...

-Barbecue at your house, sir?

-Quiet reading.

In the hallway, the nit busters are getting ready to bust some nits.

You were right, Marty -

the corridor's full of nitty kids and the bell hasn't even gone yet.

On the count of three, we go in.

Ready?

Three.

Hey, nits? Nit this!

Hasta la vista, nitties!

BELL RINGS

But their fight is far from over.

Erm, Miss?

Run!

THEY SCREAM

MR HEART WHIMPERS

Pull yourself together, sir. You need to be more resilient.

The nit nurse will know what to do. Right, nit nurse?

ALL: No!

They've got me, Marty!

They've gone and got me.

That's it, sir. They've won.

Enough is enough.

I've had it with the nits in this school.

They may try to take our hair, but they will never take...

..our freedom!

Yippee ki yay, nitty-nitties!

DRAMATIC THEME PLAYS

You did it. You did it, sir.

It's not over yet, Heart.

Me.

You've got to do me.

-I can't.

-You must.

-Not you.

-Do it.

Just do it.

I'm deloused!

Put it there, Heart.

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN CHEER

It's all over. My work here is done.

But you can't leave us.

You'll be all right, Marty. You've got each other now.

But if the nits return...I'll be back!

Schedule permitting, like.

IRRITABLE KNOCKING

Seriously... Can I come out now?

# You're simply the best

# Better than all the rest

# Better than anyone

# Anyone I've ever met... #

BELL RINGS