New Head Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,

a school like any other, a place where bright young minds are taught

by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year

to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

BELL RINGS

This morning, Deputy Head Mr Potter has called an important assembly.

Unfortunately, assembly has been made optional,

so no-one has turned up.

Except Martin.

Morning, sir.

Morning, Martin.

I've called you all...called YOU here to make an announcement.

It is with great sadness I have to tell you that overnight,

our esteemed head teacher, Mr Barker, di...

MARTIN GASPS

Decided to retire.

-He's gone to live on a farm.

-Oh, that's nice for him.

This rather leaves a power vacuum that I am only too happy to fill.

So it is with great pleasure that I can announce

that I am your new interim headteacher.

Thank you, thank you.

Make sure you tell everyone that I am the new headteacher.

And that assembly is no longer optional.

BELL RINGS

I am extremely sad that Mr Barker has left us.

He was a marvellous head teacher

and a much beloved dog.

On the bright side...

-SINGS:

-I'm the new head teacher, I'm the new head teacher.

HE LAUGHS

There are going to be a lot of changes around here.

Starting with the most important thing.

Left a bit. Right a bit.

Up a bit.

Down a bit. No, left a bit.

WHIRRING NOISE

What on earth...?

WHIRRING NOISE GETS LOUDER

Miss, there's a helicopter landing in the playground!

An unexpected arrival has flown in from Head Teacher HQ.

And it's not good news for Mr Potter.

Welcome to Dockbridge High. I am Mr Potter.

Hilary Head. New head teacher. Walk with me.

But I thought I was the new...

'Fraid not, Potty, official documents.

Right, well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

No time for meet and greet, Pottly.

Oh, that's just fantastic.

Take the painting down!

In Mrs Mark's classroom, Billy and Mark are striking a deal.

-I'll give you two Chinese and Jamie Vardy.

-No way.

Oh, come on, please.

Right, back to your seats, everyone. Excitement over.

Oh, Markie, what on earth's the matter?

Well, you know how all I need is Cristiano Ronaldo

-to complete my collection year...

-Yes.

Well, Billy's got it,

and he won't swap me for it and I really want it, Mum.

I mean, Miss.

-She's not my mum.

-Telltale.

-Billy! Is this true?

Well, Mark, what have you offered him?

-Two Chinese and Jamie Vardy.

-Oh, Jamie Bardy.

-Vardy.

-Vardy.

Well, besides, you shouldn't be playing with football stickers

during class time anyway,

-so I'll have to confiscate them.

-What?!

-Thanks, mate.

-Sos.

And now it's time for the Pupil of the Week.

Ooh, I wonder who it will be(!)

It's...Mark!

Well done, Markie. And guess what?

The award for Pupil of the Week is rather a lot of football stickers.

There you go, Markie.

There should be a Ronaldo in there somewhere, shouldn't there?

-Now, can I see that little smile?

-Thanks, Mum. I mean, Miss.

She's not my mum.

Having demoted Mr Potter, new head teacher Hilary Head

is wasting no time in getting to grips

with the most pressing school issues.

Now, and by now, I mean yesterday.

-How many pairs of underpants are in Lost Property?

-Six.

-Six?

-Get me six more. What colour are the paper towels in the toilets?

-Green.

-Make them blue. School musical?

-Cats.

-Make it Bugsy.

But keep the cats.

What...are...they?

-The children.

-Children?! No-one said there'd be children here!

It's an infestation!

I'll be in my office, Pot-pots.

Let me know when you've got rid of them.

There are thousands of them!

As Mrs Head hides in her office,

Year Nine are in Food Technology with Mr Barrowboy.

Hello, and welcome to the Food-Tech kitchen.

In front of you, you'll find a tray.

On that tray are three secret ingredients. Take a look.

You have one minute to make your dish. Think big flavours. Oi!

And don't forget your presentation. Ready? Get cooking!

Now then, Tahj, what are you making for us today?

Um, I'm probably going to arrange some crisps in a crescent shape.

Oh! Crescent-shaped? That is brave cooking.

I just hope you can pull it off in the time.

Jasmine, tell us about your dish.

Well, I was thinking of maybe making a cheese baguette with pickle.

Whoa! I don't know what to expect.

It'll be a Food-tech kitchen first

but I tell you what, I can't wait to taste it!

OK, ladies and gentlemen, it's time...

to stop cooking!

-I don't know about you, John...

-Tahj.

..but I can't wait to taste this!

Yah! Hm. Yum, argh, nam, nam!

LAUGHTER

It's delightful!

With Hilary Head already making her mark,

Year Nine are looking forward to the familiarity of their English lesson.

But something has changed.

What's up, classoo?

Let's just address the elephant in the room, yeah?

You've all noticed there's something different about me, right?

-You've dyed your hair.

-That's right, fan.

Me dreads, they is red, yeah?

It's more of a pink, to be honest, sir.

It just needs a second coat.

Also, no biggie, but...ah!

I got inked, yeah. Tote-sootatt, tat-tastic,

rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat-tattoo.

-That's not a real tattoo, sir.

-Yeah, it is.

It's not, it's a fake sleeve. My cousin got one on holiday.

Ah, no, don't! It's really sore!

Aren't tattoos and pink hair against school regulations?

Yeah, like I care.

-Are they?

-The new head had these posters put up everywhere.

Whatevs.

I'm a rebel.

I ain't afraid of no authori-ty.

If the head wants me to change my style

to fit in with her regulations, well...

She can just come in here...

KNOCK AT DOOR

She's here. Hide me! Hide me!

KNOCKING CONTINUES

They'll never take me alive!

-I've got a note for Mr Capp.

-Tell her I'm not here.

In the next lesson, Year Nine will get to learn Spanish...allegedly.

Ole!

-Now that's Spanish.

-Hola, class.

My name is arrrrrr-ah!

But you can just call me Senor Juan Castaneta.

-ALL:

-Hello, senor.

Shhhhh!

-You understand what I'm saying?

-No.

Then you have no Spanish in your heart, and I cannot help you.

It is my belief that you can learn more Spanish

from a movement in the hips...

..than you can from reading the whole Spanish dictionary.

-Well, this was a waste of money.

-Correct.

You will go far, my friend. You get an A.

-That's Spanish for A.

-Oh, nice one.

What's the Spanish for hello, sir?

That's a good question. The answer is, of course...

-Spanish guitar.

-What's the actual word?

What is the actual word?

You asked me what is the actual jjjjjjjjuord?

What I teach you is more than words.

It is the language of passion, of love.

Of a nice paella and a beach of sunburnt tourists.

It is Spanish. Here speak now.

Dios mio, your accent is horrendous!

Go to isolation for the rest of the lesson.

Tell whoever is on duty that I said, "Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!"

They'll know what I mean if they have Spanish in their hearts.

-And what if they don't, sir?

-Good point, I'll write you a note.

In the isolation room,

Jasmine is hoping to pass the time quickly and quietly.

But Tammy has other ideas.

-Hello, I'm Tammy.

-Hi.

-Who's your star sign? Let's say it together.

-Ca...

-Capricorn! No way! Me too.

It means I'm sweet, but I have a wild side that I keep hidden.

Rarr!

SHE GIGGLES

-Be quiet!

-We are so going to be best friends for infinity.

-I made you this friendship bracelet.

-Thanks.

-You've got to wear it!

All right, all right.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, that's it, you're back in here tomorrow.

-Yes!

-No!

Best friends forever.

-Now I'm a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding.

-We've got matching dresses.

BELL RINGS

As head of arts, not including actual art,

Mr Christopher teaches music, dance and drama.

Today, it's one of those.

So, today's lesson

is all about trust.

As an actor, you are nothing without trust.

And amazing cheekbones.

This is the circle of trust.

Fail! Each and every one of you fails.

That was a perfectly executed trust fall and none of you caught me.

-Well, you didn't warn us, sir.

-That is not the point, Emily.

This...dramatic pause...is drama.

And in drama you should expect anyone

to dramatically fall at any moment.

Et tu, Martin? Et tu?

-Latin, bilingual.

-Can we have a go, sir?

-No, you cannot, Billy.

-It's not just falling down, you know.

-Looks like it.

This takes years of training and a dancer's physique.

Born with it.

But you can practise your catching positions if you like.

On your feet!

Come on!

Do-be-do, do-be-do.

No, remember your posture.

The catcher is performing too.

Oh, keep an element of drama.

Stop, stop. Oh, I can't bear it. Stop!

Amateurs. Right, I'll show you again. Form a group.

To make this even more dramatic, this time,

I will be using a blindfold.

Gasp! I know.

You must be a highly trained actor to do this, OK?

Don't try this at home.

Martin, film me.

OK, prepare to catch me.

Five, six, eight and...

Argh.

Argh!

Stop filming!

With the end of the day in sight,

it's probably time for probabilities with Mr Konnundrum.

Probably.

So if a man buys one second-hand washing machine,

because he wants to wash his best suit for school,

or wherever he works, but it's probably a school,

he looks for the correct symbol on the dial.

PEN SQUEAKS

-But due to wear and tear...

-HE BANGS THE BOARD

it's been rubbed off.

So he accidentally washes his suit at 95 degrees...

-SOBS:

-for four hours!

What is the probability that the man's suit will shrink? Yes, Tahj.

-95%, sir.

-Right.

And for an extra mark,

how might the man go about getting his suit back to normal size?

-I don't think that can be done, sir. He'd have to buy a new one.

-Right.

THEY LAUGH

I'm off to the shops then.

-TEARING SOUND

-Oh, oh.

THEY LAUGH

Quiet reading!

-ALL:

-Oh, no!

BELL RINGS

It's the end of the day, and as the children leave,

Mr Potter coaxes Hilary Head out of her office.

That's it. Looking very brave.

-They've gone?

-Yes, they've all gone home.

-Gone forever?

Well, not for ever, they'll be back tomorrow.

SHE SCREAMS

Bring the ice, Martin, bring the ice!

Gangway!

Trouser problem.

# I'm on the highway to hell

# On the highway to hell

# Highway to hell

# I'm on the highway to hell... #

BELL RINGS