Strictly Come Teaching Class Dismissed

This is Dockridge High - a school just like yours,

a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the

wisest, most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year to find out

what life is really like for the students and their teachers

at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

BELL RINGS

As headteacher, Hillary Head has many responsibilities,

all of them as boring as this staff meeting.

Next item.

The results of the anonymous suggestion box.

-Mr Botty.

-Potter.

Yes. Rather surprisingly,

it was full of anonymous suggestions that Mr Christopher

should have an assistant.

What can I say?

-People's choice.

-Very well.

Mr Christopher can hire an assistant.

Yay! Auditions!

Right, excuse me, teachers who don't have an assistant,

but these posters won't print themselves.

And finally, to impress the board of directors,

I shall be introducing a new healthy eating menu starting from today.

Oh!

She's choking!

Mrs Tucker, I expect your full support on this.

That is all.

Healthy eating? What's the world coming to?

-Waste not want not.

-BELL RINGS

The school day starts with Food Technology,

and Mr Barrowboy is also thinking about his stomach.

Chefs, today, you are going to make a signature breakfast dish

that shows just what you're capable of.

So let's get cooking!

Tahj, what's the vision here?

-It's toast.

-Toast?

-With chocolate spread.

-Oh, now, you're talking!

Chocolate - yes.

For breakfast - yes!

I just hope you can finish in the time.

-I think I can.

-Confident.

Jasmine, what have we got?

-Toast.

-Toast?

With jam and squirty cream.

Oh, jam and cream!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

-I tell you what, John...

-Jasmine.

..that is right up my street!

Emily, what are you making?

-Toast.

-Toast?

With a chocolate fudge cake on top.

Oh, mate!

Yes, yes, yes!

That's cheating. He said a breakfast dish.

Oh, it's soft, it's...

It's fudgy, it's toasty, it really is very good, indeed.

Oh, lovely!

HE MOANS

BELL RINGS

INDISTINCT SINGING

As head of arts, not including actual art,

Mr Christopher's job is extremely demanding.

Oi! This is a private office! I'm working in here!

So he's wasted no time in meeting all of the candidates...

STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE

..for the supporting role of Mr Christopher's assistant.

I got my music degree in 2006 and I've been teaching ever since.

Boring! Is that it?

Knock knock. Who's there?

Lack of stage presence.

Right, so, the judges' scores are in.

COMMENTATOR: 'Jasmine....'

Nine.

'Billy...'

Nine.

'Martin...'

It's a ten from Martin.

Oh, thank you, that's great.

Hang on, hang on! I haven't done my score yet.

'Mr Christopher...'

It was a complete disaster, darling.

Teaching's like the tango, you need presence, you need...

..timing, and above all, you need...

A degree?

Jazz hands, actually.

It's a one from me, and that's being generous.

Don't trip on your way out.

Honestly. That fleckle?

What are they teaching teachers these days?

She wasn't even wearing sequins!

As headteacher, Hillary Head only concerns herself

with the most important matters at Dockridge High...

which is why she doesn't teach.

Mrs Head! Mrs Head!

It's 9B. There's no-one to teach geography.

What?! Where's Miss Presto?

-Disappeared again.

-Supply teacher?

-Covering drama.

-What about you, Pollock?

Why can't you do it?

I'm already covering for Mr Rhomb.

We can't find him anywhere.

I just can't do it, Pinto.

Please, your headship, there is no-one else.

OK.

Where's the classroom?

Just through here.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Are you OK, Miss?

Stay back! I mean...

Hello, children.

Can any of you tell me what you've been learning at the moment?

SHE SCREAMS

-Everything OK, ma'am?

-Yes, fine, fine,

just this little chap made a very sudden movement.

Don't do it again, sir.

So, this is nice.

Just trapped with literally hundreds of little...

children.

You're not so bad.

Look at them all looking at me with their tiny little eyes

and their small hands and their smooth skin

and hands...

Oh, dear me, they're tiny little hands!

-Miss, I...

-SHE SCREAMS

Get it off me! I can't take it any more, they're everywhere!

I'm a headteacher, get me out of here now!

Oh, is there one up my nose?

I think there's one up my nose. Oh, I'm so itchy!

Having refreshed the judging panel,

Mr Christopher is continuing his search for an assistant.

I'm looking for talent, pizzazz,

and someone who will do all the work that I don't want to do.

Could the following teachers please step forward?

Mr Nesbitt.

Mr Clark.

Miss Singh.

And Mrs Smith.

Front row...

..you're going home.

You're not going to regret this, Mr Christopher.

Yeah, the thing is, Kevin, I'm not just looking for a teacher, here.

I'm looking for a global superstar.

I thought the advert said...

Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter what the advert said.

I'm just not sure that you're ready for this stage in the competition.

-Oh.

-I like you, Kevin, but I've made my final decision.

And I'm happy to announce...

that sadly...

you won't be packing your bags...

because you'll be going straight home.

Are you sure this is the fairest way, sir?

Of course it is, Emily.

Letting people down gently and preserving their dignity

is the exact opposite of what show business is all about.

Educator!

Next!

BELL RINGS

In Miss Fun-With-Numbers' classroom, juvenile behaviour is not an option.

It's compulsory.

Hello, everybody!

-ALL:

-Hi, Miss.

It's time for maths!

Maths is when we take numbers and use them to make other numbers!

Today, we're going to meet a very special number indeed.

-Are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Well, in that case, I'll go and get our very special guest.

# Oh, I am a pie, oh, I am a pie

# What sort of pie am I?

# Am I steak and kidney

# Bacon and cheese, chicken and mushroom?

# No, I'm none of these

# Oh, I am a pie

# Oh, I am a pie

# What sort of pie am I? #

That's right, I'm the number Pi!

And I'm full of delicious digits.

# Because I'm 3.1415965358979323846

# To the first 20 decimal places. #

Now it's your turn!

# Because I'm...

-THEY ALL SPEAK OUT OF SYNC

-# 3.1415965358979323846... #

All that talk about pies is making me hungry.

Unfortunately for Billy,

the head's new healthy eating plan has had an effect on lunch.

What's up with the menu? It's all fruit and salads.

-It's rank.

-Ridiculous, isn't it?

-I'll tell you what.

-Shake me hand.

-What?

-Go on, shake me hand.

Oh, great!

A sausagey secret, a meaty miracle.

Just don't tell the head, she'll have me guts for garters.

Now, what can I do for you?

I'm all right, thanks, Miss.

-This tastes quite nice.

-Oh, do me a favour!

As I always say - if it's green, you don't know where it's been.

If it's fried, it can be safely tried.

Want a Scotch egg?

No, thanks.

-I'll have it!

-Keep your voice down.

Do you want to get caught? Nothing to see here.

Play it cool, boys, play it cool.

-Morning, sir.

-Mrs Tucker, is that a bacon sandwich under your hat?

What, this?

No, this is just...

Oh, all right, it is. It's a bacon sandwich and I love it!

It's a fair cop, guv.

Bang to rights.

I've been serving illegal snacks on the side for minutes now.

Just tell me, what's me fate?

I'm afraid Mrs Head will be the judge of that.

I'm going down, Sylv.

Wait for me! And hide those 20 bags of chicken nuggets.

-OK, Ange.

-TOILET FLUSHES

Outside in the cold, Bruce Turnip is taking the register.

-Yes, sir.

-Ferret?

-Yes, sir.

-Tractor?

Yes, sir. You do know it's Emily, really, don't you?

Tractor, you're such a dag.

-And Pigdog?

-Present.

Good-o. Blimey, but it's hot out here today.

It really isn't, sir. It's freezing.

Oh, give it a rest, Tractor, what a whingeing pom.

Now, let's crack on before we all get heat stroke in this blazing sun.

Today, we're going to be building our own dunnies.

So, get digging.

You too, Tractor!

Is anyone else boiling hot?

Rather than dig dunnies, Emily, Tahj and Martin

are helping Mr Christopher.

There's just one more person to interview.

# Knees up, Mother Brown, knees up, Mother Brown, knees up,

# Knees up, never let them freeze up, knees up Mother Brown. #

Oh, my goodness!

-She's...

-Terrible.

..amazing!

I love her.

-I love her.

-She hasn't...

-I love her.

She hasn't said anything yet.

Oh, hello, baby darlings, I'm Miss Glock.

That good enough for you, Emily?

You can be so negative!

She does have quite an impressive CV.

-If it's true.

-Of course it's true!

I'm a tiptop musician, isn't it?

Some of the teachers we saw before were much more qualified.

Being a teacher isn't about being qualified, Emily,

it's about bringing it 24/7.

Sweetheart, I love you, I love everything about you.

-The job is yours.

-Oh!

Yes!

What job?

She was everything I was looking for.

Basically someone not as good as me.

No-one likes to be shown up.

Now a fully fledged member of staff,

Miss Glock is giving Emily a one-to-one music lesson.

And stop.

OK, Emily, it's nice effort, but still a ways to go.

-I'm going to show you how it's done, OK?

-OK.

I know. It's like I said to Adele, I'm a good at music.

You've met Adele?

Sure thing! Seen, met, heard of, whatever.

I don't always be teaching in a little tiny room

like this, isn't it?

-Haven't you?

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm a successful session musician and collaborator, too.

Who else have you worked with?

Oh, I've worked with them all, but I will not work with Gary Barlow,

even if he does call me every day, which, by the way, he does.

PHONE RINGS

No! No, Barlow, I've told you before.

PHONE RINGS

-I'll speak to him!

-Ignore that. Oh...

-It's someone asking if you'd like to buy double glazing.

-What?

Oh, no, it's Barlow, he does that sometimes, he's very tricksy.

Go away, Barlow.

Oh, sorry about him, he is an absolute nightmare.

Now, like I showed you.

Play!

Beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Last lesson of the day is General Studies,

where Mr Schofield is giving out test results, quite literally.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to General Studies,

the subject where literally any topic could crop up, and...

-ALL:

-Often does!

Billy, take a look at the board.

There are still some great grades left for you to win.

How are you feeling?

-I'm feeling lucky, sir.

-Sir, this isn't fair.

I worked really hard this term.

Shut up! I didn't.

That's kind of my point.

PHONE RINGS

GASPS

TENSE MUSIC

That was the banker.

He's offering you a C+.

CLASS OOHS

How do you feel about that offer?

It's a strong offer, but I've worked really hard to get where I am now.

-No, you haven't.

-I came here for an A and that's what I'm going to get.

No deal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's hope that proves to be a wise decision.

Let's take a look in the box.

-Oh!

-CLASS GROANS

Hard luck, Billy.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, it's the banker! I still might get my A!

It's...

your parents.

They'd like a word about your grades!

CLASS GROANS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Mum.

As Billy heads home,

having pointed out to his parents that an F is an improvement,

Hillary Head is in a reflective mood.

Being a head teacher does have its challenges.

People often say to me, "Hillary, how do how do you do it?"

And I say...

Is that a child?! Get it away from me!

SHE SCREAMS

Get it off me!

MUSIC: She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals