Strictly Come Teaching Class Dismissed


Strictly Come Teaching

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This is Dockridge High - a school just like yours,

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a school like any other.

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A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the

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wisest, most respected members of the teaching profession.

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Our cameras returned for another year to find out

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what life is really like for the students and their teachers

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at this most ordinary of schools.

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Welcome to Class Dismissed.

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BELL RINGS

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As headteacher, Hillary Head has many responsibilities,

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all of them as boring as this staff meeting.

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Next item.

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The results of the anonymous suggestion box.

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-Mr Botty.

-Potter.

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Yes. Rather surprisingly,

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it was full of anonymous suggestions that Mr Christopher

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should have an assistant.

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What can I say?

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-People's choice.

-Very well.

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Mr Christopher can hire an assistant.

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Yay! Auditions!

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Right, excuse me, teachers who don't have an assistant,

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but these posters won't print themselves.

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And finally, to impress the board of directors,

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I shall be introducing a new healthy eating menu starting from today.

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Oh!

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She's choking!

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Mrs Tucker, I expect your full support on this.

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That is all.

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Healthy eating? What's the world coming to?

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-Waste not want not.

-BELL RINGS

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The school day starts with Food Technology,

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and Mr Barrowboy is also thinking about his stomach.

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Chefs, today, you are going to make a signature breakfast dish

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that shows just what you're capable of.

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So let's get cooking!

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Tahj, what's the vision here?

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-It's toast.

-Toast?

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-With chocolate spread.

-Oh, now, you're talking!

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Chocolate - yes.

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For breakfast - yes!

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I just hope you can finish in the time.

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-I think I can.

-Confident.

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Jasmine, what have we got?

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-Toast.

-Toast?

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With jam and squirty cream.

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Oh, jam and cream!

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Hoo-hoo-hoo!

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-I tell you what, John...

-Jasmine.

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..that is right up my street!

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Emily, what are you making?

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-Toast.

-Toast?

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With a chocolate fudge cake on top.

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Oh, mate!

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Yes, yes, yes!

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That's cheating. He said a breakfast dish.

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Oh, it's soft, it's...

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It's fudgy, it's toasty, it really is very good, indeed.

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Oh, lovely!

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HE MOANS

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BELL RINGS

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INDISTINCT SINGING

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As head of arts, not including actual art,

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Mr Christopher's job is extremely demanding.

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Oi! This is a private office! I'm working in here!

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So he's wasted no time in meeting all of the candidates...

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STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE

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..for the supporting role of Mr Christopher's assistant.

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I got my music degree in 2006 and I've been teaching ever since.

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Boring! Is that it?

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Knock knock. Who's there?

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Lack of stage presence.

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Right, so, the judges' scores are in.

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COMMENTATOR: 'Jasmine....'

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Nine.

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'Billy...'

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Nine.

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'Martin...'

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It's a ten from Martin.

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Oh, thank you, that's great.

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Hang on, hang on! I haven't done my score yet.

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'Mr Christopher...'

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It was a complete disaster, darling.

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Teaching's like the tango, you need presence, you need...

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..timing, and above all, you need...

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A degree?

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Jazz hands, actually.

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It's a one from me, and that's being generous.

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Don't trip on your way out.

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Honestly. That fleckle?

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What are they teaching teachers these days?

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She wasn't even wearing sequins!

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As headteacher, Hillary Head only concerns herself

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with the most important matters at Dockridge High...

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which is why she doesn't teach.

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Mrs Head! Mrs Head!

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It's 9B. There's no-one to teach geography.

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What?! Where's Miss Presto?

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-Disappeared again.

-Supply teacher?

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-Covering drama.

-What about you, Pollock?

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Why can't you do it?

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I'm already covering for Mr Rhomb.

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We can't find him anywhere.

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I just can't do it, Pinto.

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Please, your headship, there is no-one else.

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OK.

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Where's the classroom?

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Just through here.

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SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Are you OK, Miss?

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Stay back! I mean...

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Hello, children.

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Can any of you tell me what you've been learning at the moment?

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SHE SCREAMS

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-Everything OK, ma'am?

-Yes, fine, fine,

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just this little chap made a very sudden movement.

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Don't do it again, sir.

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So, this is nice.

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Just trapped with literally hundreds of little...

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children.

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You're not so bad.

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Look at them all looking at me with their tiny little eyes

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and their small hands and their smooth skin

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and hands...

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Oh, dear me, they're tiny little hands!

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-Miss, I...

-SHE SCREAMS

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Get it off me! I can't take it any more, they're everywhere!

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I'm a headteacher, get me out of here now!

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Oh, is there one up my nose?

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I think there's one up my nose. Oh, I'm so itchy!

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Having refreshed the judging panel,

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Mr Christopher is continuing his search for an assistant.

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I'm looking for talent, pizzazz,

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and someone who will do all the work that I don't want to do.

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Could the following teachers please step forward?

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Mr Nesbitt.

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Mr Clark.

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Miss Singh.

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And Mrs Smith.

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Front row...

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..you're going home.

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You're not going to regret this, Mr Christopher.

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Yeah, the thing is, Kevin, I'm not just looking for a teacher, here.

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I'm looking for a global superstar.

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I thought the advert said...

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Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter what the advert said.

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I'm just not sure that you're ready for this stage in the competition.

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-Oh.

-I like you, Kevin, but I've made my final decision.

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And I'm happy to announce...

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that sadly...

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you won't be packing your bags...

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because you'll be going straight home.

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Are you sure this is the fairest way, sir?

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Of course it is, Emily.

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Letting people down gently and preserving their dignity

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is the exact opposite of what show business is all about.

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Educator!

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Next!

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BELL RINGS

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In Miss Fun-With-Numbers' classroom, juvenile behaviour is not an option.

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It's compulsory.

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Hello, everybody!

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-ALL:

-Hi, Miss.

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It's time for maths!

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Maths is when we take numbers and use them to make other numbers!

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Today, we're going to meet a very special number indeed.

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-Are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes.

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Well, in that case, I'll go and get our very special guest.

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# Oh, I am a pie, oh, I am a pie

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# What sort of pie am I?

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# Am I steak and kidney

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# Bacon and cheese, chicken and mushroom?

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# No, I'm none of these

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# Oh, I am a pie

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# Oh, I am a pie

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# What sort of pie am I? #

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That's right, I'm the number Pi!

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And I'm full of delicious digits.

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# Because I'm 3.1415965358979323846

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# To the first 20 decimal places. #

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Now it's your turn!

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# Because I'm...

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-THEY ALL SPEAK OUT OF SYNC

-# 3.1415965358979323846... #

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All that talk about pies is making me hungry.

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Unfortunately for Billy,

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the head's new healthy eating plan has had an effect on lunch.

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What's up with the menu? It's all fruit and salads.

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-It's rank.

-Ridiculous, isn't it?

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-I'll tell you what.

-Shake me hand.

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-What?

-Go on, shake me hand.

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Oh, great!

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A sausagey secret, a meaty miracle.

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Just don't tell the head, she'll have me guts for garters.

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Now, what can I do for you?

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I'm all right, thanks, Miss.

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-This tastes quite nice.

-Oh, do me a favour!

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As I always say - if it's green, you don't know where it's been.

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If it's fried, it can be safely tried.

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Want a Scotch egg?

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No, thanks.

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-I'll have it!

-Keep your voice down.

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Do you want to get caught? Nothing to see here.

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Play it cool, boys, play it cool.

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-Morning, sir.

-Mrs Tucker, is that a bacon sandwich under your hat?

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What, this?

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No, this is just...

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Oh, all right, it is. It's a bacon sandwich and I love it!

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It's a fair cop, guv.

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Bang to rights.

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I've been serving illegal snacks on the side for minutes now.

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Just tell me, what's me fate?

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I'm afraid Mrs Head will be the judge of that.

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I'm going down, Sylv.

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Wait for me! And hide those 20 bags of chicken nuggets.

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-OK, Ange.

-TOILET FLUSHES

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Outside in the cold, Bruce Turnip is taking the register.

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-Yes, sir.

-Ferret?

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-Yes, sir.

-Tractor?

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Yes, sir. You do know it's Emily, really, don't you?

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Tractor, you're such a dag.

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-And Pigdog?

-Present.

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Good-o. Blimey, but it's hot out here today.

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It really isn't, sir. It's freezing.

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Oh, give it a rest, Tractor, what a whingeing pom.

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Now, let's crack on before we all get heat stroke in this blazing sun.

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Today, we're going to be building our own dunnies.

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So, get digging.

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You too, Tractor!

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Is anyone else boiling hot?

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Rather than dig dunnies, Emily, Tahj and Martin

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are helping Mr Christopher.

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There's just one more person to interview.

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# Knees up, Mother Brown, knees up, Mother Brown, knees up,

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# Knees up, never let them freeze up, knees up Mother Brown. #

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Oh, my goodness!

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-She's...

-Terrible.

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..amazing!

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I love her.

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-I love her.

-She hasn't...

-I love her.

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She hasn't said anything yet.

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Oh, hello, baby darlings, I'm Miss Glock.

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That good enough for you, Emily?

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You can be so negative!

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She does have quite an impressive CV.

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-If it's true.

-Of course it's true!

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I'm a tiptop musician, isn't it?

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Some of the teachers we saw before were much more qualified.

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Being a teacher isn't about being qualified, Emily,

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it's about bringing it 24/7.

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Sweetheart, I love you, I love everything about you.

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-The job is yours.

-Oh!

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Yes!

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What job?

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She was everything I was looking for.

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Basically someone not as good as me.

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No-one likes to be shown up.

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Now a fully fledged member of staff,

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Miss Glock is giving Emily a one-to-one music lesson.

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And stop.

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OK, Emily, it's nice effort, but still a ways to go.

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-I'm going to show you how it's done, OK?

-OK.

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I know. It's like I said to Adele, I'm a good at music.

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You've met Adele?

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Sure thing! Seen, met, heard of, whatever.

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I don't always be teaching in a little tiny room

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like this, isn't it?

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-Haven't you?

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

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I'm a successful session musician and collaborator, too.

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Who else have you worked with?

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Oh, I've worked with them all, but I will not work with Gary Barlow,

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even if he does call me every day, which, by the way, he does.

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PHONE RINGS

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No! No, Barlow, I've told you before.

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PHONE RINGS

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-I'll speak to him!

-Ignore that. Oh...

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-It's someone asking if you'd like to buy double glazing.

-What?

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Oh, no, it's Barlow, he does that sometimes, he's very tricksy.

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Go away, Barlow.

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Oh, sorry about him, he is an absolute nightmare.

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Now, like I showed you.

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Play!

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Beautiful. Oh, yeah.

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Last lesson of the day is General Studies,

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where Mr Schofield is giving out test results, quite literally.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Welcome back to General Studies,

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the subject where literally any topic could crop up, and...

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-ALL:

-Often does!

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Billy, take a look at the board.

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There are still some great grades left for you to win.

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How are you feeling?

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-I'm feeling lucky, sir.

-Sir, this isn't fair.

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I worked really hard this term.

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Shut up! I didn't.

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That's kind of my point.

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PHONE RINGS

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GASPS

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TENSE MUSIC

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That was the banker.

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He's offering you a C+.

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CLASS OOHS

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How do you feel about that offer?

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It's a strong offer, but I've worked really hard to get where I am now.

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-No, you haven't.

-I came here for an A and that's what I'm going to get.

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No deal.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hope that proves to be a wise decision.

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Let's take a look in the box.

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-Oh!

-CLASS GROANS

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Hard luck, Billy.

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PHONE RINGS

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Oh, it's the banker! I still might get my A!

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It's...

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your parents.

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They'd like a word about your grades!

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CLASS GROANS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hi, Mum.

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As Billy heads home,

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having pointed out to his parents that an F is an improvement,

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Hillary Head is in a reflective mood.

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Being a head teacher does have its challenges.

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People often say to me, "Hillary, how do how do you do it?"

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And I say...

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Is that a child?! Get it away from me!

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SHE SCREAMS

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Get it off me!

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MUSIC: She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals

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