Supplies, Supplies! Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,

a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year

to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

As the pupils of Dockbridge High arrive at school,

their esteemed head teacher, Hilary Head, is hiding in her office.

-SHE SIGHS

-They're out there, Pot Pot.

Look at the children.

Something about the school seems to attract them.

Maybe it's the fact they're legally obliged to attend.

I mean, how many of them are there?

902 at last count.

What? But there's only 30 teachers in the whole school,

that means we're outnumbered 30 to one.

Actually, there's more than that.

Mrs Hackvinder and Miss Franks are ill today, so that makes...

..32.14 to one.

Not helping, Pootle.

Sorry, Your Grace.

I was just about to call and get two supply teachers, though.

Supply teachers - you're a genius, Pinto.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Hilary Head, Dockbridge High.

Supply teachers - I need lots of them.

As many as you can send.

No, I don't care if they're any good or not,

just get them here as soon as possible.

The supply of supply teachers is promptly supplied

and Mr Capp is about to meet someone even cooler than him.

He's so cool.

BRAKES SCREECH, FOLLOWED BY CRASHING

OMG, your man bun, it's perfection.

I mean, what's up, bruv, your bro bun's off the hizzle.

Ah-h-h...

He's so cool!

BELL RINGS

In French, year nine are about to encounter

their first supply teacher.

Good moaning!

I am Monsieur Artois.

Good morning, Monsieur Artois.

Good moaning, bees and gulls.

Now, does everyone have some pooper?

-You what, sir?

-Pooper.

A piece of pooper.

Oh, you mean a piece of paper.

Thank you.

What is your gnome?

Billy, sir, pleased to meet you.

I thunk I'm going to lick you, Bolly.

In fact, I thunk I'm going to lick all of you.

Thanks, Sir. I thunk we're going to lick you, too.

-THEY LAUGH

-Sir, your English is...

Brolliant, I knee.

Lick, I was burn here.

Oh, like you were born here?

Thot is what I sod.

Now, everyone, take a leak.

I've just been, sir.

Take a leak at the pooper.

A burcycle. Une bicyclette.

100 weirds on the burcycle, en Francais, goo.

100 words on the bike in French.

Go.

Excuse me, Bolly, where is the tealet?

-The what, sir?

-The tealet.

-Sorry, I can't...

-Come on, Bolly, I nude a piddle.

Er...you need to pedal?

-Oh, you're talking about the bike, sir.

-No, not pedal, puddle!

A woo-woo, a waddle, a slosh?

I need to spon the pinney.

I get it, he needs the loo.

Oui, oui.

Oh, wee wee, you should've just said.

-It's down the corridor to the right, sir.

-Phoneally!

Is it not claw when I talk to you?

I really must puddle.

Break time, and Mr Capp is intent on befriending Mr Lad,

whether he likes it or not.

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

He didn't hear me.

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

Mr Lad!

-Yeah.

-Shut up.

-In the technology block,

Mark is asking Marcella out on a date.

-Again.

-Hi, babes.

Oh, my goodness, literally what do you want?

Do you want to go cinema on Saturday?

Yeah, OK, sure,

like if the world literally ends and you and I are literally the only two

people left on the planet and there is literally nothing else to do.

Literally.

Guess who's got a date for Saturday!

Wow. Just wow.

Mr Lad! Mr Lad!

-Boom!

-Mr Lad!

Oh, I didn't see you there, dude.

I like your board. It's totally rad.

Listen, yeah, no-one says dude any more, or rad.

Yeah, I know that, it was totes urban irony, dude. I mean bro.

Bro... Want to hang out?

I only hang out with cool people.

Me cool.

Yeah?

All right, I'm going to go do some parkour by the bike racks.

Come if you like.

I can't. I've got lessons.

Bunk off.

-HE GIGGLES

-I can't do that.

I thought you said you were cool.

I am.

Ah, major FOMO, ah!

-I'll do it.

-But sir, you'll get into trouble.

Hey, chillax, I'll just get a supply teacher.

They've got loads of them.

Parkour!

-THEY LAUGH

-Come on then.

-BELL RINGS

-Look how high I am.

As Mr Capp has bunked off to practise parkour,

Miss Kinder is covering his lesson.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, weird kid.

I've missed you.

Sit down, please.

-HE LAUGHS

-You're hilarious, man.

She actually is a teacher, Mark.

-Yeah, don't worry, you're hilarious, too.

-Let's get started.

Mr Capp, I... You again.

What are you doing, child?

-Teaching.

-Teaching?

My office, now.

-But I've got my birth certificate.

-At once!

Bye, weird kid.

I'll catch you later, yeah?

You're going to pay for this.

You are all going to pay for this.

I love that kid. I'm going to invite her to my birthday party.

-THEY LAUGH

-What?

With Miss Kinder suddenly unavailable,

year nine are waiting for another supply teacher.

This time it's someone they recognise.

If only she recognised them.

Hello.

Seriously?

My name is Miss Goldfish.

Now, it's important that you children understand

that I, unfortunately,

only have a five-second memory.

I know this will make our lesson difficult,

but it's important that you children understand

that I, unfortunately,

only have a five-second memory.

It's very nice to meet you all.

You've met us before.

Have I?

My name is Miss Goldfish.

It's important that you children understand that I, unfortunately...

-Only have a five-second memory.

-Man!

That's right.

Ah, what a very nice school.

I like going to new places.

You've been here before.

You know you have.

Have I?

Well, it's important that you children understand that I...

Oh, my days.

I'm getting rage, man.

I'm getting actual rage.

BELL RINGS It's lunchtime

and Miss Kinder is trying her luck in the staffroom.

-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Not you again.

Playground's that way.

I am a teacher.

Kindly stand aside.

You're not a teacher.

You're 12 at most.

Stop pretending.

I'm not pretending - I'm 25.

I've got ID.

Sir, could you come out here?

You again.

I'm a teache-e-e-r!

BELL RINGS

Everyone returns to afternoon lessons.

-Hello, my name is Miss Goldfish.

-Oh, no.

We know!

But Mr Capp and Mr Lad are up to no good.

Come on. We shouldn't be doing this.

Chillax, will you?

We'll get in trouble.

-HE TITTERS

-I won't.

-Come on then, Cappy.

-BELL RINGS

Mr Capp...

What supply teacher Mr Qwerty doesn't know about computers is...

quite a lot.

The future is in computers.

I know everyone says they'll never take off,

but I'm here to tell you different.

They will become the gateway to an information superhighway

that we computer experts call...

the Interweb.

Internet.

-Is it?

-THEY LAUGH

Oh, yes. Now, hold on to your hats.

Has anyone ever dialled up the internet before?

Sir, you don't dial up the internet any more.

Has anyone ever tried to send...

Ha! Imagine this...

an electronic mail?

An e-mail.

We know how to send e-mails.

I've sent five since you've been talking.

Has anyone ever tried to load what we computer experts call a web page?

-THEY LAUGH

-What web page is that, sir?

What?

Oh, how did that get in there?

Right, sorry about that,

although I do highly recommend Rhyl

if you're looking for a summer break.

Just ask your travel agent.

Or book it online.

Online, ha!

We're not quite there yet, but who knows? Maybe one day.

Now, to load a web page, first you must type "www",

which stands for World Wide Web, www-dot,

that's dot as in a full stop.

When I say dot, that's what I'm intending, OK?

Ho-ho! Honestly, modern technology!

What is it with all these new teachers?

They're like the worst teachers ever.

And this is Dockbridge - there's a lot of competition.

Mr Lad and Mr Capp are still bunking off.

Oi, Cappy, I dare you to boot the ball at that window.

No! I'll smash it.

I thought you said you were cool.

Me cool.

Do it, do it, do it,

do... Oh, that was rubbish.

I'll show you how it's done.

BANGING

Who did that?

Er...it was him.

I thought we were mates.

A word, Mr Capp.

We're mates.

That was just pure, bare bants, right?

-Right?

-BELL RINGS

Another lesson, another supply teacher

and this one's a bit hard to follow.

OK, so, today in science we're going to be learning all about the...

HE MUTTERS

..photosynthesis.

What did he say?

Now, the most important thing you'll ever learn is...

HE MUTTERS

..and that will be on the test.

Sorry, sir, I didn't catch what you said.

Oh, sorry, I was just saying that, er, er...eh...eh...

vacuum pump, you do electricity, and I test you.

You got it?

No.

Right, so, let's be very clear on this.

-HE MUTTERS

-..flask!

-And, er...non-metals!

-PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Hello.

Yeah, I'm teaching, no.

Science.

-HE LAUGHS

-I know!

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I've got to go.

Give me a science word.

Oh, yeah.

Bunsen burner.

Yes?

Er...catalyst.

As the day draws to an end, there's just one final lesson

and this time the proper teacher has turned up.

But so has the supply.

So.

So.

-If a man.

-Or another man.

..is teaching his class maths...

..is teaching his class maths...

-But another man.

-Another man.

-Is also teaching his class maths at the same time.

-Time.

-Right.

-Right.

Should he A, take it as an extreme form of flattery?

Or B, take it as an extreme form of flattery?

Or C, be a bit freaked out and ask his mum to walk him home?

-Home.

-Hmm.

Yes, Taj.

C, Sir.

Or we could walk you home.

Thank you, Taj.

Yes, I would like that.

No problem, sir.

Quiet reading.

BELL RINGS

The end of the day can't come quickly enough for Mr Konnundrum.

-Ready to go, sir?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes, thank you, Taj.

-OK.

Mr Capp is sad to see the supply teachers go.

Come back, Mr Lad.

You're my best buddy.

He's not, he made you bunk off,

then got you in trouble for graffiti and breaking a window.

Some friend!

Where are you going?

You will be back tomorrow, won't you?

And Hillary Head is not happy, either.

No!

No!

# Since you've been gone

# Since you've been gone

# I'm out of my head

# Can't take it

# Could I be wrong?

# But since you've been gone

# You cast a spell

# So break it

# Oh-h-h. #