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Class Teddy Time

Comedy series. Supply teacher Miss Davis finds a whole new meaning to German vocabulary. Emily gets in trouble with Miss Fun With Numbers.


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This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours.

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For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

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There have been highs...

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and lows.

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HE YELLS

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We return for another year to find out how these talented teachers

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continue to excite and inspire

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a generation of young, eager minds

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at this most ordinary of schools.

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Argh!

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This is Class Dismissed.

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BELL RINGS

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It's Thursday, and lessons are already underway.

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With exams not far off, Year Ten

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are learning some vital German vocabulary with Miss Davies.

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Fahrt.

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-I'm sorry, Miss?

-Fahrt.

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That is the first German word you will be learning today.

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Does anybody know what it means?

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-Yes, Tahj?

-Is it something you've done this morning, Miss?

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Well, yes, yes, it is. It's the German word for...

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journey.

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-How was your fahrt this morning, Miss?

-Well, it was a long one.

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MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

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An eventful one.

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MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

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Once I got going, there was no stopping me.

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MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

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What is so amusing?

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I'm sorry, Miss, it is just such a funny word.

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We had better move on to the next topic,

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which is German words for family members,

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and to demonstrate, I've brought some of mine today.

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This is mein Vater.

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MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

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LAUGHTER

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I love German.

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BELL RINGS

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In PE, teachers Mr and Mrs Love have two overwhelming passions.

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Sport and each other.

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I love you, Snookums.

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More than anyone has ever loved anybody.

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Not as much as I love you, Chubby Cheeks.

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-Because that would be impossible.

-Yeah.

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Sorry, I forgot where we were then.

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Because we are so in love, sometimes, we only see each other.

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-It's like the rest of the world...

-BOTH:

-Doesn't exist.

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-BOTH:

-Oh!

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So, today, you are going to be playing table tennis.

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That is really lucky for you

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cos one of the greatest players in the world is right here.

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Oh, thank you, darling,

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although I'm not sure you mean ONE of the greatest.

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You mean the greatest.

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Sweetness, how lovely of you to say that.

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That's right.

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The greatest table tennis player in the world is here with us

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-today, and it is, of course...

-BOTH:

-Me.

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You both think you are

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the greatest table tennis players in the world?

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No, no, no. Emily, I don't think I am, I know I am.

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-How about you play each other and see who's the best?

-Good idea.

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Bring it on, Sugarplum.

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Oh, I'm going to destroy you, Light of my Life.

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Oh, yeah, well, get ready to be taken apart, Sweet Apple of my Eye.

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I am going to wipe the floor with you, Pumpkin. "Love you!"

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Not before I completely annihilate you, my old Flower. Love you, too.

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Here we go.

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SHE GRUNTS

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HE YELLS

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This could take a while.

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-Hey!

-Hoo!

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BELL RINGS

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Break time, and in a big school like Dockbridge High,

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there are always new classrooms to find.

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Luckily, help is at hand.

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Could you tell me where classroom 308 is, please?

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With a jog and a jolt, your path will appear, like a bolt,

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for it lies in wait, this room 308.

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-You what?

-OK, you need some more.

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Pass the Woods of Inspiration, across the Valley of Despair,

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-there you will find your chosen lair.

-Could you just tell me...?

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I'm sun. I am moon, I am your classroom.

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I am vegetable, I am mineral, I am light

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and I'm...

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Bineral.

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Bineral.

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Nah, it's down there on the left.

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Bineral.

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Bineral!

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BELL RINGS

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After break, Year Ten are in drama class, and Mr Christopher,

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Head of Arts, not including actual art,

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isn't making an entrance for once.

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So today's lesson is all about blending into the background.

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You know, which is easy for me, because I'm not an attention seeker.

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Ah!

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Now, I have asked you all to wear black today

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because it has come to my attention that most of you, sadly,

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will never be fabulous enough to become actors.

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Oh, I know, sad, sad.

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But just because you are too talentless,

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it doesn't mean you can't work in theatre.

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Working as a stage hand is just as good...

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Said no-one. Ever.

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OK, so I want you to split into two groups,

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and change the set that is in front of you.

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Now, Group A, I'd like you to move the set offstage.

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-Group B, you'll be bringing on the next set.

-What set?

-That chair.

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But one person could carry that.

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Oh, Billy, I forget how little you know.

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A chair can take upwards of nine people to move onto stage.

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-SHOUTS:

-And lights! Go! Go, go!

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Do it slower, slower.

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Just make the most of having an audience look at you.

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It's the only time they ever will.

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OK, excellent work, and lights!

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OK, get offstage. Get offstage.

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Thank goodness the talent has arrived. Moi. And applause!

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APPLAUSE

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Sorry, can you go further back. Don't steal my applause.

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Keep applauding. Go further back. Further. Further.

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Further. And applause.

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, thank you.

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BELL RINGS

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The next lesson of the day is with nursery school teacher,

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Miss Fun With Numbers.

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Boo! Good morning, children.

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It's Thursday morning. So what does that mean?

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We are trapped in here for the next hour.

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I'm sorry, Jasmine?

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-Oh, I mean, it's Class Teddy Time!

-That's right, Jasmine.

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It means that whoever's had the class teddy this week

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has to pass it on to somebody new.

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Now, this week, the class teddy has been with...

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-Emily.

-Oh, yeah, it was, wasn't it?

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You haven't forgotten about him, have you?

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No, Miss.

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-Look, here he is.

-Oh, Mr Teddington Bearbury.

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What have they done to you? Speak to me!

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You've been at the bottom of Emily's schoolbag ALL WEEK?

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Oh, Mr Teddington Bearbury,

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you've had quite the week, haven't you?

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Now, what has Emily had on all week that is so important?

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Well, I was practising for my exams.

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Selfishly revising for her GCSE exams?

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Tut, tut.

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No, I don't think that she is a BAD girl, Mr Teddington Bearbury,

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she's just not very nice.

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Yes, Mr Teddington Bearbury, we can give her a week's detention.

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-Miss!

-Silence, Emily.

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So who is going to look after the class teddy this week?

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Come on!

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-It'll be fun.

-LAUGHS:

-Fun!

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We drew straws over it.

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I lost.

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What is that, Teddington Bearbury?

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You want Tahj to have a tea party with you?

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BELL RINGS

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It's time for General Studies with Mr Scofield,

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who is in a challenging mood.

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Hello, and welcome back to General Studies

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with me, your host, Mr Scofield.

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General Studies, the subject

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where literally any topic could crop up and...

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-ALL:

-Often does!

-Ho-ho-ho!

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What are they like? Let's meet the teams.

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APPLAUSE

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Welcome, Emily.

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Now, you have a funny story about a time you were on a trampoline?

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-Yes, I was on the trampoline...

-Ho-ho-ho! You couldn't write it.

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Now, let's get on with the show.

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Today, the teams are playing for the chance

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to go on a University Open Day of their choice.

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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For both teams, buzz in when you know.

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The word university is derived from which Latin phrase?

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-Come on. Come on. Come on!

-BUZZER

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Dockbridge High Boys. Billy!

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Um...

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Oh, I'm sorry, that's not an answer.

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You lose five points, and, by default, you lose the contest.

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Girls, you are going on the University Open Day!

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APPLAUSE

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For those in our audience and playing along at home,

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the answer was of course Universitas...

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Majestrorum Headsgalorium.

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Ho-ho. Look at them kicking themselves now.

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Well, from all of us here, we'll see you next time in General Studies!

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Ha-ha! Bye!

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BELL RINGS

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Lunchtime, and on the menu today, pie.

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-How much is the pie?

-£2.00.

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-Call it £1.50.

-What kind of pie is it?

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-Meat.

-Meat?

-Meat.

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-What kind of meat?

-What kind do you want it to be?

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-I like chicken.

-Yeah, you've guessed it, it's chicken.

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-It's definitely chicken?

-Mostly chicken.

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Have you got beef?

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-There, £2.00. Call it £1.50.

-It's the same pie.

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I'll leave it, thanks.

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BELL RINGS

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After lunch, Year Eight are about to learn

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an important lesson in science with Mrs Stein.

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-That is water pressure.

-I suppose that was the only way of doing that.

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Well, what else would you suggest, Molly?

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That I make you read all about it in a textbook? I think not, no.

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-I'm telling my parents.

-Well, do!

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I'll bet they'll be very excited to hear that their daughter

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has come home inspired to talk about science.

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That is not what I meant.

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Here's a towel.

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So, as I just demonstrated,

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when the piston goes in, it shrinks the volume of the cylinder.

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The resulting pressure forced the water out of the pomp,

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and in turn, soaked our Molly.

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Right, I need a volunteer.

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Molly, you are perfect. Go and stand over there. You will need these.

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The rest of us will perform a detailed study

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on how variable volume and pressure affects velocity over distance.

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Unlucky, sounds well boring.

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Right.

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-Go.

-So what you mean is, we just fire water at Molly?

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Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Now, what do we say?

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-ALL:

-Stand back, we are doing science.

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Excellent, line up, line up.

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In a line, very good. OK, I need three, two, one, fire!

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Woo! Excellent aim.

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Right, clear this all up, Molly.

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-ALL:

-Sorry, Molly.

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Learning about pressure was fun, wasn't it, Moll?

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Don't talk to me.

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BELL RINGS

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Year Ten's final lesson of the day is maths,

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and Mr Konnundrum has a problem of his own

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that needs solving.

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So, if a man, just simply a man...

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..goes on a romantic first date, with a lady, a real-life lady...

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..and the pretty lady tells the man

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that she has fallen in love with him...

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Hm!

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And then the lady asks the man if she can borrow his phone,

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his car, £700...

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and inexplicably, half of his clothes.

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How much has the man potentially lost

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if the lady hasn't been in touch for over a week?

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Yes, Tahj?

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It could be about £8,000.

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Oh, dear. Oh.

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And for an extra mark,

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should I...

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..or the man, A, wait another week for the lady to get in touch

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and return his things, including his favourite trousers, hm,

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or B, report it to the police?

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Definitely B, sir, report it to the police.

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Right.

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LAUGHTER

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Quiet reading.

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BELL RINGS

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It's the end of another school day,

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and while Tahj is off to see to his Teddington Bearbury duties...

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What's that?

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You want Tahj to give you a hug? Right now?

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..Mr and Mrs Love are in for a long night.

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Game, set and match, in-your-face, Love of my Life.

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I think you'll find that I let you win

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cos I love you so much, Snuggles.

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-Fine, best-of-three?

-Bring it on!

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# Must be love

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# Love, love

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# It must be love

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# Love, love

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# It must be love

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# Love, love

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# Nothing more, nothing less

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# Love is the best. #

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Supply teacher Miss Davis finds a whole new meaning to German vocabulary, Emily gets in trouble with Miss Fun With Numbers over the class teddy and Mr Konundrum struggles with his love life.