Class Teddy Time Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours.

For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

There have been highs...

and lows.

HE YELLS

We return for another year to find out how these talented teachers

continue to excite and inspire

a generation of young, eager minds

at this most ordinary of schools.

Argh!

This is Class Dismissed.

BELL RINGS

It's Thursday, and lessons are already underway.

With exams not far off, Year Ten

are learning some vital German vocabulary with Miss Davies.

Fahrt.

-I'm sorry, Miss?

-Fahrt.

That is the first German word you will be learning today.

Does anybody know what it means?

-Yes, Tahj?

-Is it something you've done this morning, Miss?

Well, yes, yes, it is. It's the German word for...

journey.

-How was your fahrt this morning, Miss?

-Well, it was a long one.

MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

An eventful one.

MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

Once I got going, there was no stopping me.

MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

What is so amusing?

I'm sorry, Miss, it is just such a funny word.

We had better move on to the next topic,

which is German words for family members,

and to demonstrate, I've brought some of mine today.

This is mein Vater.

MISS DAVIES TRUMPS

LAUGHTER

I love German.

BELL RINGS

In PE, teachers Mr and Mrs Love have two overwhelming passions.

Sport and each other.

I love you, Snookums.

More than anyone has ever loved anybody.

Not as much as I love you, Chubby Cheeks.

-Because that would be impossible.

-Yeah.

Sorry, I forgot where we were then.

Because we are so in love, sometimes, we only see each other.

-It's like the rest of the world...

-BOTH:

-Doesn't exist.

-BOTH:

-Oh!

So, today, you are going to be playing table tennis.

That is really lucky for you

cos one of the greatest players in the world is right here.

Oh, thank you, darling,

although I'm not sure you mean ONE of the greatest.

You mean the greatest.

Sweetness, how lovely of you to say that.

That's right.

The greatest table tennis player in the world is here with us

-today, and it is, of course...

-BOTH:

-Me.

You both think you are

the greatest table tennis players in the world?

No, no, no. Emily, I don't think I am, I know I am.

-How about you play each other and see who's the best?

-Good idea.

Bring it on, Sugarplum.

Oh, I'm going to destroy you, Light of my Life.

Oh, yeah, well, get ready to be taken apart, Sweet Apple of my Eye.

I am going to wipe the floor with you, Pumpkin. "Love you!"

Not before I completely annihilate you, my old Flower. Love you, too.

Here we go.

SHE GRUNTS

HE YELLS

This could take a while.

-Hey!

-Hoo!

BELL RINGS

Break time, and in a big school like Dockbridge High,

there are always new classrooms to find.

Luckily, help is at hand.

Could you tell me where classroom 308 is, please?

With a jog and a jolt, your path will appear, like a bolt,

for it lies in wait, this room 308.

-You what?

-OK, you need some more.

Pass the Woods of Inspiration, across the Valley of Despair,

-there you will find your chosen lair.

-Could you just tell me...?

I'm sun. I am moon, I am your classroom.

I am vegetable, I am mineral, I am light

and I'm...

Bineral.

Bineral.

Nah, it's down there on the left.

Bineral.

Bineral!

BELL RINGS

After break, Year Ten are in drama class, and Mr Christopher,

Head of Arts, not including actual art,

isn't making an entrance for once.

So today's lesson is all about blending into the background.

You know, which is easy for me, because I'm not an attention seeker.

Ah!

Now, I have asked you all to wear black today

because it has come to my attention that most of you, sadly,

will never be fabulous enough to become actors.

Oh, I know, sad, sad.

But just because you are too talentless,

it doesn't mean you can't work in theatre.

Working as a stage hand is just as good...

Said no-one. Ever.

OK, so I want you to split into two groups,

and change the set that is in front of you.

Now, Group A, I'd like you to move the set offstage.

-Group B, you'll be bringing on the next set.

-What set?

-That chair.

But one person could carry that.

Oh, Billy, I forget how little you know.

A chair can take upwards of nine people to move onto stage.

-SHOUTS:

-And lights! Go! Go, go!

Do it slower, slower.

Just make the most of having an audience look at you.

It's the only time they ever will.

OK, excellent work, and lights!

OK, get offstage. Get offstage.

Thank goodness the talent has arrived. Moi. And applause!

APPLAUSE

Sorry, can you go further back. Don't steal my applause.

Keep applauding. Go further back. Further. Further.

Further. And applause.

APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you.

BELL RINGS

The next lesson of the day is with nursery school teacher,

Miss Fun With Numbers.

Boo! Good morning, children.

It's Thursday morning. So what does that mean?

We are trapped in here for the next hour.

I'm sorry, Jasmine?

-Oh, I mean, it's Class Teddy Time!

-That's right, Jasmine.

It means that whoever's had the class teddy this week

has to pass it on to somebody new.

Now, this week, the class teddy has been with...

-Emily.

-Oh, yeah, it was, wasn't it?

You haven't forgotten about him, have you?

No, Miss.

-Look, here he is.

-Oh, Mr Teddington Bearbury.

What have they done to you? Speak to me!

You've been at the bottom of Emily's schoolbag ALL WEEK?

Oh, Mr Teddington Bearbury,

you've had quite the week, haven't you?

Now, what has Emily had on all week that is so important?

Well, I was practising for my exams.

Selfishly revising for her GCSE exams?

Tut, tut.

No, I don't think that she is a BAD girl, Mr Teddington Bearbury,

she's just not very nice.

Yes, Mr Teddington Bearbury, we can give her a week's detention.

-Miss!

-Silence, Emily.

So who is going to look after the class teddy this week?

Come on!

-It'll be fun.

-LAUGHS:

-Fun!

We drew straws over it.

I lost.

What is that, Teddington Bearbury?

You want Tahj to have a tea party with you?

BELL RINGS

It's time for General Studies with Mr Scofield,

who is in a challenging mood.

Hello, and welcome back to General Studies

with me, your host, Mr Scofield.

General Studies, the subject

where literally any topic could crop up and...

-ALL:

-Often does!

-Ho-ho-ho!

What are they like? Let's meet the teams.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, Emily.

Now, you have a funny story about a time you were on a trampoline?

-Yes, I was on the trampoline...

-Ho-ho-ho! You couldn't write it.

Now, let's get on with the show.

Today, the teams are playing for the chance

to go on a University Open Day of their choice.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

For both teams, buzz in when you know.

The word university is derived from which Latin phrase?

-Come on. Come on. Come on!

-BUZZER

Dockbridge High Boys. Billy!

Um...

Oh, I'm sorry, that's not an answer.

You lose five points, and, by default, you lose the contest.

Girls, you are going on the University Open Day!

APPLAUSE

For those in our audience and playing along at home,

the answer was of course Universitas...

Majestrorum Headsgalorium.

Ho-ho. Look at them kicking themselves now.

Well, from all of us here, we'll see you next time in General Studies!

Ha-ha! Bye!

BELL RINGS

Lunchtime, and on the menu today, pie.

-How much is the pie?

-£2.00.

-Call it £1.50.

-What kind of pie is it?

-Meat.

-Meat?

-Meat.

-What kind of meat?

-What kind do you want it to be?

-I like chicken.

-Yeah, you've guessed it, it's chicken.

-It's definitely chicken?

-Mostly chicken.

Have you got beef?

-There, £2.00. Call it £1.50.

-It's the same pie.

I'll leave it, thanks.

BELL RINGS

After lunch, Year Eight are about to learn

an important lesson in science with Mrs Stein.

-That is water pressure.

-I suppose that was the only way of doing that.

Well, what else would you suggest, Molly?

That I make you read all about it in a textbook? I think not, no.

-I'm telling my parents.

-Well, do!

I'll bet they'll be very excited to hear that their daughter

has come home inspired to talk about science.

That is not what I meant.

Here's a towel.

So, as I just demonstrated,

when the piston goes in, it shrinks the volume of the cylinder.

The resulting pressure forced the water out of the pomp,

and in turn, soaked our Molly.

Right, I need a volunteer.

Molly, you are perfect. Go and stand over there. You will need these.

The rest of us will perform a detailed study

on how variable volume and pressure affects velocity over distance.

Unlucky, sounds well boring.

Right.

-Go.

-So what you mean is, we just fire water at Molly?

Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Now, what do we say?

-ALL:

-Stand back, we are doing science.

Excellent, line up, line up.

In a line, very good. OK, I need three, two, one, fire!

Woo! Excellent aim.

Right, clear this all up, Molly.

-ALL:

-Sorry, Molly.

Learning about pressure was fun, wasn't it, Moll?

Don't talk to me.

BELL RINGS

Year Ten's final lesson of the day is maths,

and Mr Konnundrum has a problem of his own

that needs solving.

So, if a man, just simply a man...

..goes on a romantic first date, with a lady, a real-life lady...

..and the pretty lady tells the man

that she has fallen in love with him...

Hm!

And then the lady asks the man if she can borrow his phone,

his car, £700...

and inexplicably, half of his clothes.

How much has the man potentially lost

if the lady hasn't been in touch for over a week?

Yes, Tahj?

It could be about £8,000.

Oh, dear. Oh.

And for an extra mark,

should I...

..or the man, A, wait another week for the lady to get in touch

and return his things, including his favourite trousers, hm,

or B, report it to the police?

Definitely B, sir, report it to the police.

Right.

LAUGHTER

Quiet reading.

BELL RINGS

It's the end of another school day,

and while Tahj is off to see to his Teddington Bearbury duties...

What's that?

You want Tahj to give you a hug? Right now?

..Mr and Mrs Love are in for a long night.

Game, set and match, in-your-face, Love of my Life.

I think you'll find that I let you win

cos I love you so much, Snuggles.

-Fine, best-of-three?

-Bring it on!

# Must be love

# Love, love

# It must be love

# Love, love

# It must be love

# Love, love

# Nothing more, nothing less

# Love is the best. #