Episode 2 Combat Kids

-This isn't a joke, is it?

-Mr Whedon, what a pleasure.

-Zara?

-Zara!

SHE SCREAMS

Let's talk about it another time.

-Get them back!

-Owned!

Who's doing all this?

He's from outer space.

Hey! Anything.

We're shipping out. Whole regiment.

-Don't turn!

-Greetings.

My name is Xan Alpha.

This is my ship and she's taking me home.

Maybe you can help with some of these.

So that I can return to my world.

A vegetable steamer?

So your...people are short of kitchenware?

And it can't fly with a loose wheel?

-Landing's the problem.

-Oh, landing's the problem! Oh, dear.

If there were guinea pigs in my house I think I'd know about it.

I don't need to remind you that her behaviour reflects on you.

That's right, you don't.

Heel!

I could talk to her about it if you like?

Good luck.

-We'll need that hard drive.

-Yes, I've got it. It's at home.

Yeah, what's that for?

To make a warp trans modulator.

-Otherwise the plasma circuitry's going to fade every time.

-Yeah?

-I might have one in the workshop.

-Really?

I didn't realise human technology had caught up.

-Oh, well. You know, in my spare time.

-Oh, I see.

-You were being amusing.

-Well, don't die laughing!

In my world that is usually meant as a threat.

All right.

Xan says they're very excited about going.

They like to see new places.

His people often take guinea pigs on their intergalactic space journeys.

They're good if you run out of food.

You...don't mean actually eating them?

No!

They make excellent foragers...

and they can communicate in almost every different language.

Oink?

With their minds.

Tele...

Telepathically.

Did you have to listen hard?

Listen, sorry, little fella.

I'm Stealth Commander.

Sorry, little Stealth Commander, but this thing's jammed solid.

There's a saying in my world. What goes on, comes off.

Well, there's a couple of sayings in my world you don't want to hear.

You're not going to shift that without a decent wrench.

Oh, thanks, Jed. Is that right?

-There's probably one in the stash.

-What stash?

We never found this. I mean...how come?

Keep it.

You never know.

GUN WHIRS

Ah.

OK.

We're missing a few bits.

-Like what?

-A miracle.

Barring the batteries and spark plugs. Whatever went there.

No problem, then.

Not for me, kid.

So this Kubla...Khan...

Kublan Jepto.

Yeah, I know.

Your arch-enemy. He's... I guess he's pretty evil.

Evil? Yes. I wouldn't say pretty.

So what does he look like?

He looks like whatever he wants to look like.

Postbox.

A tree.

Always count the trees.

A dustbin maybe. A teaspoon.

Chewing gum, like, under the desk.

Or maybe those bits that get stuck to your trousers.

Sticky plaster in the swimming pool.

-You know the ones with the little trail of...

-Yeah.

Thanks, Jed. I think we got it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's disguised as a human being.

There are advantages of taking the form of the indigenous species.

-Like you did?

-This is how we look.

So that bucket was meant for him?

The bucket was meant for you, so that you wouldn't come here.

-But this is our place.

-Now you're his enemies too.

ALARM BELL RINGS

He's there! He's here, he's that one!

That tree wasn't there before.

That's an alarm clock.

-Where are you going, Xan?

-Home for tea?

KNOCK AT DOOR

What?

-It's me.

-I didn't say who, I said what.

Look, I'm sorry about water bombing you and Paul.

-No, you're not.

-Bex, I am. I didn't mean to upset you.

-You're not.

-Has Dad said anything to you?

-Ah, I don't know.

A couple of days ago he said, "Pass the remote."

No, I mean about going for a promotion or something.

What have you heard?

Nothing. I just...wondered.

Well, he said he wasn't doing that any more, didn't he? Moving.

-He likes it here, you know that.

-OK.

-Oh, um.

-What's that?

It's from Paul.

Yeah?

Kublan...

Jepto.

He's absolutely evil. The most evil thing ever.

And he's not pretty.

He can be anything.

Even a chair.

So...always count your chairs.

Don't just sit on anything without making sure.

This better be good!

OK, here we go.

You've got to be kidding me?

Uh!

Are there snakes in there?

PAUL SNIGGERS

Well, you know what I'm like with snakes.

Ugh. I hate them. Oooh!

What was that?

-Hey!

-Should have known.

-My own brother's a snake!

-It wasn't me!

-Was.

-Wasn't!

-Was.

-Wasn't.

-Was.

-Wasn't.

-Your note said "somewhere nice".

-Actually, it said "cool".

-Who's that?

-It's all right. Just stand still.

-Huh?

-I said it's OK. Just relax, yeah?

-He's from a different planet.

-Yeah, I could have told you that.

-She appears to be harmless.

-You haven't heard her sing. Ow!

Has she also come to help?

With what?

-Oh, yeah, Paul. The list of stuff that needs to go in.

Some of it we've got and some of it we reckon we can get but...

I've marked the stuff we reckon you can get hold of.

-You said guinea pigs.

-You said anything.

You do know this is stealing?

Since my people gave you fire, the wheel and nuclear technology,

I prefer to think of it as returning a favour.

ARMY MARCHING DRILLS

Come on, come on. Heel!

Sorry, can't hear anything.

They're saying, "What are you staring at, you numpty?"

Our children don't go to school.

They just take knowledge beans.

What does that taste like?

Knowledge.

And...do you have to eat broccoli?

Broccoli doesn't grow on my world.

And even if it wanted to we wouldn't let it.

I've got something for you.

It's not the crown jewels exactly but...

-What? Erm, what is it?

Well... I think you're supposed to open it.

You know I'm not really good with words and stuff.

You could try, though.

Would you?

-What?

-You know...

What?

As a Senior Stealth Commander, I have the authority to marry you.

Hey, one step at a time, dude.

You can do that when I'm back.

From what?

-You said...

-I know, I'm sorry.

It's not official yet we just...

We found same papers in The Weedle's office.

Some plans and stuff.

We're mobilising. Look's like everyone next week.

For how long?

I don't know. Three to six. Could be more.

It's OK. I'm just engine monkey, strictly back room.

What am I supposed to do?

What everyone else does. You know, I'll call and...

So you just wanted to join the phone queue?

Well, it beats working, I guess.

-Everyone's got a cuddle back home except Paul.

-No!

Well, yeah. Someone who cares about me. Someone I matter to.

Do you know what I thought?

I thought you actually wanted me.

Oh, Bex.

And you brought me here because you wanted me here.

But you just wanted to get THIS over with

before you skip off and play your stupid game of soldiers.

How do I get out?

-I'll take you back.

-No, I'm all right.

-Oh, come on.

-I said I'm all right!

I can walk through flippin' trees.

That wasn't a yes, was it?

Mmm. That's nice. Up a bit.

SHE GIGGLES

It's our marching orders.

-SHE SIGHS

-The whole regiment.

I'm sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Bex?

Oh, sweetheart, come on.

Bex?

Bex!

You still all right with Paul?

Xan says we only need a few grams of zelechnite

to fire the trans plasma venoculators.

-So where do we get that?

Well, it doesn't occur on this planet naturally.

He says you can syn...syn...

Well, you can make something like it by heating washing up liquid and....

Just what we need.

Another one.

-Xan?

-Is that Xan?

-Oh, how do you do, Mr Henderson?

-Fine, how are you? Nice to see you.

This is Alexander.

-Please, come in.

-Thank you very much.

-Xan?

-He's an alien.

-Xan!

-Xan!

-ALL: Xan!

Hi.

Hi, we're looking for, eh...

Alexander?

Xan!

Well, come in.

You've got some visitors!

He didn't tell me he'd made friends.

He didn't tell us he had parents.

Well, it's not something you brag about, is it?

Would you like some juice? Orange?

Yes, that would be very nice, thank you.

They're good people. They took me in after I landed.

They've given me food and shelter.

So, they're not your parents?

They're not even human.

They're a mixture of artificial intelligence,

android technology and cerebral matter.

Grown in our laboratories.

Effective, don't you think?

We even get annoyed when he doesn't tidy his room.

Of course, they would never reveal any of this to anybody.

So...will they come with us?

-They will remain here to monitor human progress.

-Yeah.

Thanks.

-Ready?

-ALL: Yeah.

EXPLOSION

Jed!

Want some?

Ah, excellent. Chuck 'em in there.

Are they your world famous coronary burgers?

Salad and onions, eh? Triple bypass on a plate.

Ha-ha! I think I will.

Paul!

God, I don't know why we bother taking weapons.

We just throw a barbecue and run for cover.

Nah, that would be cheating.

I hear someone might be in line for another stripe, Sergeant.

No ketchup. Mustard.

Yes.

Well, let's have it, then.

The ring!

You call me every day. Yeah?

EVERY day.

And you keep your head down.

And THAT, yeah?

No more looking!

I see you. You can forget all of that.

She's probably still got bits of breakfast in her teeth.

It's not just the key. We could make the key.

It's THAT.

What is that?

It holds the shard.

-The..the what? The galaxy...

-Core.

Kublan Jepto made it specially.

So Jepto's got the key?

Find him, we get the key.

-Find the key...

-We get...

Kublan Jepto.

I've seen it. Somewhere. I'm sure I have.

The Weedle, he's got it.

-Then The Weedle is...

-Kublan Jepto.

Obviously.

Obviously he is!

He hates everything. He hates us.

I don't know. I can't be sure.

Then we need to find out.

He keeps it close. Under his jacket usually.

-Unless?

-He's using it.

What's this, then? The key?

Jepto's got it.

You'd better get it back.

How's it going to fly otherwise?

Jed, you guys make it fly and then come and get me and Bex

and we'll go off and talk to guinea pigs and never eat broccoli

and I'll have as much beer as I want. You got beer on your planet?

-We have lakes of beer.

-Get the key.

Hey. That's the wrong side.

-Oooh!

-Yes.

-Look at you!

-You beauty!

-Wow!

Well done!

That's lovely.

Hit it, big man.

Come on.

Very funny, it's going to be ruined!

Oh!

-Result.

-Bye-bye. Take care. All right. OK.

See you, OK?

OK?

I'm glad you got hurt.

Otherwise, you would have to go too.

I'm sorry we ever did that to you, poppet.

Do you miss being a soldier?

Not as much as I missed you.

-Will Mummy miss me?

-What do you think?

Not as much as I'll miss her.

I'm going.

Keep expecting Mum to say, "Told you so."

She's being doing this behind your back.

Shh!

Oi!

You talked to Paul last night?

You know I did, you answered the phone.

Did he say anything?

No, we just listened to the line crackling.

He said you had an idea.

More of a plan.

And is this plan a good idea or a Jed idea?

Both!

OK. It's kind of a Jed idea but Paul reckons it's good.

Next Thursday, at the engine workshop, it will all be locked up.

You got to Paul's house and tell his mum you want to pick up a CD.

Tell her he got it for you and it's in his room somewhere.

She won't know where it is.

Hi! How are you?

Anyway, she likes you - I know, it's amazing, isn't it? Ow!

Get into his room. What we need is the key to the workshop.

He made a copy. It's in his top drawer.

Pick it up and get it to me.

And that's it. Your job's done.

And that's how we broke into the workshop.

DOG WHINES

Shut up!

DOG WHINES

Dog treats. Zara put down dog treats leading round to the workshop.

So what does that say?

It says "Own, sucker."

Oh. I thought it'd be something more...technical.

This one says, "Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah!"

Oh.

WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS

The Weedle. He's coming.

One last thing.

Well, we were making loud noises inside so he'd be able to hear it.

But when he got to the workshop to open the door

we wanted him to get his own key out.

I can't see.

WOLF WHISTLE

'I saw the galaxy shard.'

He's got it, it's him.

The Weedle's Kublan Jepto!

'And that's how we found out.'

I always knew he was evil.

Sometimes I actually thought he was from a different planet.

WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS

Yes!

-Great plan, Jed.

-Thank you.

Now all we have to do is steal it.

What?

Steal the key.

-DOOR CLOSES

-Bex!

BEX!

Zara?

Um, there's no details.

And...we don't know who.

But nobody's calling.

-Only...word got out that there's been...

-An accident.

And you know what that means.

It mean's someone's...dead.

GUN WHIRS

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