Episode 1 Da Dick and Dom Dairies

BUURRRRPPPPP!

Check!

Pawn...takes rook.

-Aha! ..Ah, hello! I'm Dick.

-And I'm Dom.

Flapcrackers.

You may remember that we used to live in a bungalow.

-This is the living room. What about that?

-Look at the tissue box!

< Woo!

Enjoying it? This is Da Bungalow with Dick and Dom.

Sadly, it was knocked down a long time ago.

Scroggage.

But now we live in a better class of bungalow altogether.

Potty pipes.

Sadly, only a few of our precious belongings have survived.

"Precious, precious few," said Huw Edwards, earlier. Just now, in fact.

BURRRRRRPPPP!

-Spankyflanker.

-DOM SIGHS

-Na-nee-nob-nobs! Winner!

-Grr!

But, luckily, we kept a Dick and Dom diary.

-Shall we begin at the beginning?

-No. We were rubbish. Try the best bits.

Oh, look, the opening titles.

# These are the diaries of Dick and Dom

# They had a bungalow and you could come along

# To play the maddest games you've ever seen

# And meet oddballs in between

# The Diaries Of Dick And Dom The Diaries Of Dick And Dom

# The Prize Idiot and the neighbour's cat

# Melvin O'Doom and dear Harry Batt

# Creamy Muck Muck, dirty Norris and mushy peas

# And don't forget...BOGIES!

# The Diaries Of Dick And Dom

In Da Bungalow

# The Diaries Of Dick And Dom

In Da Bungalow

-# The Diaries Of Dick And Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# The Diaries Of Dick And Dom

-In Da Bungalow! #

# My hump, my hump

# My hump, my hump, my hump

The following stuff and nonsense from Dick And Dom In Da Bungalow

was first shown live between 2002 and 2006. Enjoy!

# My lovely little lumps Check it out

# My hump, my hump

# My hump, my hump, my hump

# My hump, my hump, my hump

# My lovely little lumps Check it out! #

-# The Diaries Of Dick And Dom

-In Da Bungalow! #

APPLAUSE

All right. It's me, Brucie Forsyth,

Big Daddy of the Ballroom and King of the Catchphrase.

What am I king of, tiny Tess?

Catchphrase, Bruce, you tap-dancing octogenarian fool!

Isn't she marvellous? Give us a twirl, Tess! Lovely!

Isn't that marvellous?

She's twirling crazy - perma-twirl!

Now, then, I always think of the Bungalow as home.

Hello, hello. Marvellous to see you. Welcome to Strictly Come Muck Muck,

-live on a Saturday morning. Nice to muck you, to muck you...

-NICE!

Can't beat Brucie on the Bungalow.

Brucie on the Bungalow, you can't beat.

Now, my favourite part of the show - the games.

That's what this game is all about.

On the backs of these cards are the names

of our favourite Bungalow games. Find a pair

and we see it again in all its glory. Marvellous!

So you do get something for a pair!

SCREECH!

All right, then, please yourselves. Off we go.

Let's turn some cards over.

Pumpy Rumpy there. Small Change Hunt.

That's not a pair. Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toast.

What about this one?

Let's have one down here.

There we go! We've found a pair. Fat On Your Back!

-What do we do with a pair, tiny Tess?

-Comb its hair!

No, we don't. We play the game. It's Fat On Your Back.

# Getting up is really hard When you are a lump of lard

# Fat On Your Back! Fat On Your Back! Need a nap to get off your back! #

The game is very simple. We all know already.

You lay on the floor and stand up.

First to stand up will win... Mr Dominic Wood?

Um...winner of Mr Dominic Wood. ..What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

Right, let's put you on the floor now. There we are.

Did you just fall over? OK.

-We'll spin you round. Move forward.

-OK?

-OK. Ready...

Lie back. One, two, three and trust me.

Trust me. There you go.

No hat? That better? There you go.

-OK. They're lying down and they get 82 bungalow points.

-All to play for!

-Go, go, go!

-Stand up. Stand up!

It's perfectly simple...

THEY HUM A JAUNTY TUNE

-Sing along at home.

-Wave your arms.

ALL SING TUNE

# Diddly squit! Diddly squit!

# Da da-da da da da da... #

Come on, and you!

Aren't you playing Charlton?

Boring!

-If Arsenal...

-She's up! She's up!

-I don't believe it! She's up!

-FANFARE PLAYS

-She's up!

-Wahey!

-Olivia, you are the winner of... how many?

-82!

-82 bungalow points.

-How do you feel?

-Great.

-Alive alive-o!

-As for you down there...

-Here...

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. AJ?

-Do you know what you get, love?

-Diddly squit!

-Diddly squit.

-Yes!

We've got an e-mail here. It says,

"I think you give those kids a hard time trying to stand up,

-"why don't YOU give it a go?"

-Oooh!

It's Dick and Dom playing Fat On Your Back. Here we go.

THEY GIGGLE

-We've got to...

-We don't mind being asked to muck out some stables.

DICK LAUGHS

DICK GROANS

This is SO difficult!

Get up!

What do you mean, "Get up?!"

Ah!

Ow!

LAUGHTER

-Ow! Ooh! Ah!

-THEY LAUGH

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Good game, good game, good gamey game, game!

# This is the part of the show

# With all the bits outside the Bungalow

# We tease the public with a joke or a trick

# Like eeny-meeny, dirty doze and spotted dick

# We met the nation as we travelled up and down

# So grab your coat for Bungalow 'Bout Town!

# 'Bout Town! #

BOTH: Eeny Meeny Macka Racka Rari Dominacka Shickapoppa

Dickywhopper Rom Pom Stick!

We've got to stick stickers of increasing sizes

onto the public's backs.

If we get caught, we lose. It's as simple as that!

'Here we go. Day One of the new season... And there it is!

-Oh!

-Oh, sorry, I was just looking at the architecture.

-What's this?

I was just going like that! Wow! Look at that architecture!

Brilliant, isn't it?!

'Hats, always a favourite.'

He's got a big head and I've got an even bigger head.

-We're seeing if hats fit. Can I try yours on?

-OK.

-It fits, yeah?

-It fits!

-It fits! I can't believe it! And you?

-I don't know.

-No.

-No.

-'Trying to get ahead with a hat.

'If the cap fits, wear it! Number two. Beautiful.'

-Why are you doing this?

-We're seeing how people are.

-Jolly good!

-Just having fun! Generally fun. Bye!

-'McCourt's number three.'

-We're from Children's BBC. We're looking at ties.

-Ties?

Would you say you had a big-knotted tie?

-It's called a double Windsor, so it's a big knot.

-Double Windsor?

-Yes.

-Can I have a look?

-'Can he slip number four onto a double Windsor?'

-OK.

-Bye-bye.

'And he has done. Beautiful!'

-We didn't get the colour of the tie.

-Come on! Red.

-Thank you. Bye!

'McCourt's five. What a response!'

This is probably an extraordinary coincidence but my name's Dom Wood.

-Yes?

-And you're holding...

-A piece of wood.

-..Wood!

-'What are the chances of that?'

-If it was called Dom, it'd be weird!

-Down there on the left.

-What's on the left?

-That office.

It's down there on the left.

'There it is! It's the first lay-on-lay of the season!

-'It's a beauty!'

-There's pies there.

'There's pies there but there's a lay-on-lay over here.'

-'McCourt, be serious with that.'

-Hi. ..Definitely there on the left!

Not the right. You're walking the wrong way!

-'There's the tickle! It's on! Beautiful!'

-There!

'It's a triple! Wood has to respond and come back big.'

-You're very pregnant, aren't you?

-Two days to go.

-Two days?!

'We're just hearing now that... McCourt has lost his 10 sticker!

'If Wood gets away with this, it's a straight win!

-'And McCourt knows it.'

-Do you know what's happened?

-What?

-He's won!

-'Or has he?'

-Won what? He's won what?

-You made me lose!

-'She's baffled.

'He isn't and Wood certainly isn't!'

-Bye!

-'That is the first win of the season. Everybody's happy!

'That is superb!

-'McCourt taking it in good part.'

-Ha! Ha!

'So it's Wood 1-0 McCourt.' DICK LAUGHS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Here's a game But what was the game name?

# Here's a game But what was the game name?

# Here's a game But what was the game name...? #

# Here's a game But what was the game name?

# Here's a game But what was the game name?

# Here's a game But what was the game name?

# Here's a game But what was its name? #

-SIREN BLARES

-Nae body move!

-# Bursting on the scene with a...

-Nae body move!

# He's a Geordie cop with a case to prove

# So gangsters, burglars and cheeky juveniles

# He'll get you banged to rights and slap you in the Batt Files

# Batt Files! #

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-The name's Batt, Harold Batt.

I'm not wild about Harold. However...

# I'm just wild about Harry

# And he's just wild about me! #

So, it's Harry to me mates...

..and it's Sir to youse lot!

-Now, then, these...

-TING!

..these are the Batt Files -

recording all the heinous crimes what took place

against taste and decency in the Bungalow.

Look at this.

"25th September 2004. Dick and Dom behaving in a juvenile manner."

Come on! You're not doing it!" Get up. Come on!

-Oi!

-Put that butt out.

I like to think of meself as harsh, a bit petty.

-He's a fair cop! Hee hee!

-Shut it!

Now, then, allowing celebrities into the Bungalow was a big mistake.

It all starts all innocent, like,

with a harmless Blobby here...

..a cheeky McFly there...

# Rockin' all over the world! #

But, before you know it,

you've got hardened criminals like Carol Vorderman on the loose.

BOGIES!

That's why I like to have a secret word with 'em...

down at the station for a little interrogation. Run the sting.

# I've got you banged to rights And you're coming down the station

# I'll grab meself a cuppa Then I'll start interrogation

# If I didnae spot your secret word in the interview

# I'll have to drop the charges

# Give you points and let you go...away! #

-There is your word.

-OK.

-Ahem!

-Right, here he comes to interrogate you.

SIREN BLARES

This interview starts...now.

All right, Mr Mackintosh, we've heard all about you.

We know you were at the scene of the crime,

-so take me through your normal working day in that office.

-Well...

Normally I get in and at my desk

I have Harry Hamster, Mick Mouse and John Gerbil. And...

You've got an array of furry pets? That's their surnames.

John Gerbil gets the coffees in and Mick gets croissants at 11.

Right.

Mick Mouse and John Gerbil normally get pizzas at lunchtime

and Harry Hamster, Mick Mouse and John Gerbil

-will normally get...

-Wait a minute!

Run me through them again.

Harry Hamster, Mick Mouse and John Gerbil.

-John Gerbil, yeah?

-Mick Mouse.

-Mick Mouse.

-Harry Hamster.

-Harry Hamster? All known associates?

-Yeah.

-Right.

OK. Just a minute.

Let's have a look at this.

For the benefit of the tape,

I am now showing the suspect

a small cream, custard and jelly-based dessert.

I'd like you to tell me about that.

-I'm warning you, don't trifle with me.

-OK. Well...

That's Harry Hamster's. Or maybe John Gerbil's.

I did see Mick Mouse with one

-but I think it was a yoghurt.

-Yoghurt, you say? And, erm...

does the gerbil like yoghurt?

Gerbil likes yoghurts but Mouse really likes...

-Mouse really likes it?

-The Mouse, yeah.

The hamster, the gerbil and the mouse?

Time's up! You've been interrogated. ..So...

Harry Batt - charge him or release him?

What's the word?

Gerbil!

-Oh!

-Get in, son! Get in!

-How did you manage that?

Ye cannae keep a good copper doon! That's it, son.

Aye, of course, it didn't always run to plan

with those cunning little Bungalowheads.

See if you can guess what the, erm...word is here.

Now, I'm on a bit of a roll here. Right?

And I'm going to make sure this charge sticks to you

-like poo to a blanket.

-Come on!

Shut it! This is hard copper talk.

What were you up to this morning?

Erm...I went down the shop this morning and I bought, erm...

erm...

Oh, yeah, I bought a bag of chips.

-You bought a bag of chips?

-Yes.

-At the shop?

-Erm...yeah.

-Was it a chip shop?

-No, it was, erm...

-the grocery shop.

-The GROCERY shop, was it?! Eh?

The grocery shop? Is that where you get chips nowadays?

Do you chip your own potatoes when you've got them?

Erm...well, I kind of get the potato out and into chips

and then wrap carrot around it, so it's a vegetable.

You get the potato and wrap carrot around it?

And then eat the, erm... what's it called?

The, erm...

-the yellow bit of the chip. You know...

-The yellow bit.

-The, erm...crunchy bit.

-The crunchy bit. The batter?

-Are you talking about batter, pet?

-What's batter?

-Batter?!

It's the stuff that's wrapped round the fish, isn't it?

-I'm not talking about fish.

-I'm not interested.

For the tape, I'm showing the witness a tin of pineapple chunks.

-What have you to say about that?

-It's pineapple.

-Where's it from?

-The grocery store.

-The grocery?

-I think.

-Anything else...?

OK, that's it. That's it.

Charge her or release her? What's the word?

If you get this, I'll give you a big sloppy snog.

-Ch... Groceries! It's not that, is it?

-No, it's not!

-YEAH!

-NO!

I can't believe it!

Pure evil. Well, that's enough of that for the time being.

You don't want too much messing with your heid, man.

-It'll drive you BATTS!

-You're nicked, dolly chops!

# Here's an odd bit that didn't really fit

# The show is often random But then so are Dick and Dom

# It's a totally random moment. #

PHHHHHRRRRRTTTT!

Neigh!

WHIP CRACK!

CLIP-CLOP!

LATIN DANCE TUNE PLAYS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Here's the pick of the show And a long-running blow

# To the hoity-toity folk Who don't enjoy a joke

# If you've got a heart condition or a nervous disposition

# Go and buy some earplugs and call a good physician

-# Cos we're gonna shout

-Bogies!

-From every building in the world! #

BOGIES!

Some people say that we don't express ourselves enough,

so we've come to the home of expression - the Saatchi Gallery.

Yes. Here, amongst the work of Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin,

we will explore ourselves through an art known as...Bogies!

# ..Express yourself... #

'Welcome to the Saatchi Gallery, founded in 1985.'

-Bogies.

-'And Wood produces the first bogie

'in its history - 0.7 on the snot-o-meter.

'Good start.'

'McCourt...interacting with one of the exhibits...'

Bogies!

'..before he delivers us a 1.9.

'More than enough to keep him in the game.'

Bogies.

'Wood, 2.4.'

-'McCourt standing by the formaldehyde.'

-Bogies!

'Perfectly preserving his place with a 3.6. Good bogey.'

'Now...

-'Wood refusing to be distracted despite McCourt's efforts.'

-BOGIES.

'And delivering us a 4.8. Sweet as a nut!'

'Back to McCourt.'

BOGIES!

'Giving that lady the full benefit of his 5.2.'

'It took it out of him there.'

-BOGIES!

-'Nice bogey by Wood!

'That's a 6.1! Indeed!' WOMAN SNIGGERS

'The crowd well pleased with that effort.'

'6.1 to beat.'

BOGIES!

'Surely it's there! It's a 7.1! A point above the previous effort.

'A little enquiry there from a member of the crowd.

'Pleased with the outcome, as is Jack Lemmon.'

'Now, Wood, the man on form.'

Bogies!

'Hitting a 7.5. There's one in the eye for the critics.

'There's a painting of a man with no trousers.

'Good work.

'McCourt...

'will be feeling that old familiar tingle.

'But will he have the guts?'

BOGIES!

'He certainly has! That's an 8.4.

'Right from the bottom of his lower intestine

'There's a man who knows a good bogey when he hears one.'

'What an intriguing match.'

'Wood...having expressed self-doubt'

BOGIES!

'A massive bogey! That's an 8.6!'

'The impression on the face of McCourt is clear.

'He's got a lot of work to do now.'

BOGIES!

'But he's the very man for the job. There's a 9.8.

'Taking the pain barrier to new heights.'

BOGIES!

'Wood concedes and McCourt steals the match.'

# Here's a game of What Was Its Name? #

And the game name was...

# Disco inferno! #

Yes, Gurn Baby Gurn, a Bungalow game where Melvin O'Doom

had to persuade as many members of the public as possible

to accompany him in his 45-second gurnathon.

# Gurn baby gurn

# Ah, yeah

# Gurn baby gurn

# Gurn that mother down

# Gurn baby gurn

# Disco inferno! #

Oooh, eek.

Time for the mess-fest that is our muck-muck finale

I'm sorry, love, I'll have to stop you there.

It's all right, carry on.

-As I was...

-No, that's it! I have to stop you there.

Because today's finale is both informative, entertaining,

-and informative.

-But it will be messy.

Yes, and informative! It's our version of Spelling Bee.

-And everyone gets splattered.

-And educated.

You can learn and have fun at the same time.

But there is creamy muck-muck!

Oh, yes, there is creamy muck-muck.

Good morning, I'm Hairy Holmes

and welcome to Muck Spell -

the game where these young contestants step up to spell

a selection of words. Nina, nice of you to join us

-How are you today?

-I'm all right, how are you, Hairy?

As you can see, Nina's in fine fettle.

OK, let's move on. The first competitor to step up is Lewis.

OK, Lewis, how are you feeling?

-Confident.

-OK.

Let's spell.

First word is cat.

C-A-T, cat.

Very good, correct.

Moving on, second word.

Bus.

B-U-S, bus.

-Very good.

-NINA: That's easy!

Thank you, Nina.

OK, it'll get a little bit more tricky for you now, Lewis

with your third word which is...

Chief Mangosuthu Butholezi.

NINA: Come along! Come along!

No idea? Well, I'm sorry Lewis,

You're going to have to have...that.

Take a seat, Lewis.

Next contestant straight up, please.

Who's up next? Dominic Wood. How are you feeling?

A little bit... Carry on.

OK, Dom...

your first word, spell...

Bin.

B-I-N, bin.

Very good.

Second word spell...

And.

Spell what?

Spell "and".

A-N-D, and.

Correct.

You've done very well, Dominic.

Can you get this third and final word?

Dominic, spell...

Any idea there, Dominic?

F-U-N...

-No, that's just absolutely...

-No!

-Rubbish!

-It was right!

Right, sit down, please, Dominic.

NINA: Unfair, unfair!

You can shut up!

Next competitor up, please.

-OK, how are you feeling, Keeley?

-Confident.

Right, your first word is bat.

B-A-T, bat.

That's correct, she's doing well.

NINA: Yes, she very good.

Second word, car.

C-O-R-E

No, as in automobile, I think that's my accent foxing you.

You get a second go. Car.

-C-A-R

-That's correct, well done.

NINA: Yeah, yeah!

Your third and final word, Keeley,

spell...

LAUGHTER

Keeley, I've got to press you to spell that for us.

-NINA CACKLES

-No.

-Any idea?

No? Well, I'm afraid, Keeley...

You can sit down with that.

OK, the next competitor to come up, please.

OK, Lee, your first word, spell pig.

-P-I-G, pig.

-That's correct.

-NINA: Oink, oink!

-Spell cow.

C-O-Y

I think that's my accent again, COW.

-C-O-W.

-That's the one!

And your third and final word,

spell...

-NINA: Oh, yeah!

-Can you spell that?

-No.

-No, right...

Sorry, Lee, away you go.

Right, so, the next competitor, please.

-NINA: Quick!

-As quick as you can, Rachel.

-Step up here, my lovely.

-NINA: Quickly!

Spell jam.

-J-A-M, jam.

-Very good. Number two.

Spell wig.

W-I-G

And your third and final one, spell...

Spell...

A SQUEAKY SONG PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Could you spell that for us, Rachel?

Erm...

No, I'm afraid you can't. Can we have the last competitor, please?

-Richard McCourt, how are you feeling?

-Bit nervous.

It's all getting very tense.

Richard, first word, spell big.

-B-I-G, big.

-NINA: Oh, yeah.

Very good. Second word, spell...

Egg.

E-G-G, egg.

And for your third and final word, spell...

G-O-G-O-G-O. GO, GO, GO!

MUSIC: "The Ace Of Spades" by Motorhead

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]