Episode 2 Da Dick and Dom Dairies


Episode 2

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Leave Harry Batt alone!

-I'm just tickling his conk.

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'Allo, 'Arry!

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-Good day to you. I'm Dick.

-Which makes me, Dom.

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And this is our diary, which has some of our best bits in it.

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What are you doing? You never used to be this house proud.

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MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

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Well, I didn't need to be HOUSE proud cos we lived in a bungalow!

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Ah, the memories... Remember when the bungalow heads used to beat you up?

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SHOUTING AND BANGING

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Good, innit?

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Actually, that used to happen every week, didn't it, Dom?

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Dom?

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Let's get started. Here's the opening titles.

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# These are the diaries of Dick and Dom

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# They had a bungalow that you could come along

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# Played the maddest games you've ever seen

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# And the oddballs in between

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# The diaries of Dick and Dom

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# The diaries of Dick and Dom

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# The prize idiot and the neighbour's cat

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# Melvin O'Doom and dear Harry Batt

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# Creamy Muck Muck Dirty Norris

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# And mushy peas

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# And don't forget bogies!

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-# The diaries of Dick and Dom

-In da bungalow

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-# The diaries of Dick and Dom

-In da bungalow

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-# The diaries of Dick and Dom

-In da bungalow

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-# The diaries of Dick and Dom

-In da bungalow. #

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# You're beautiful You're beautiful

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# You're beautiful It's true... #

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The following stuff and nonsense from Dick and Dom in da bungalow

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was first shown live between 2002 and 2006. Enjoy.

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# You're beautiful It's true

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# There must be an angel... #

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-# The diaries of Dick and Dom

-In da bungalow. #

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# It's a high powered game of strategy

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# Just guess what's in the box and you will see

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# The best games from the bungalow

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# But if you run It'll be the end of the show

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# It's Game Or No Game. #

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, it's me, little Noelie Muckmans here.

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Now I think it's fair to say that I added a certain amount of highbrow

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content to the bungalow with my thought-provoking game of strategy,

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Muck Or No Muck.

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Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.

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It's me, Little Noelie, with the show that only asks one question.

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Muck Or No Muck?

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High rewards, high risks,

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which we are about to recreate right here, right now.

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Two boxes.

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One contains the name of a game which you see on the board over there.

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If you choose that box, we play that game, no questions asked.

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The other box contains no game.

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Choose that box and it's game over.

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Finito, kaput, sayonara...

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diddly squit!

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# Diddly, diddly diddly, diddly...squit! #

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So there's no pressure.

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So now it's time to ask that all-important question.

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Game or no game?

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Choose your box.

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So you wanna go for this box?

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Definitely this one, not this one?

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Definite. Really? Really?

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You really sure?

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He's really sure about this.

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Let's take a look.

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Fingers crossed for you.

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Oh, great gameplay there, perfect strategy!

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It's the Baby Race. Being able to run before you can walk.

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It's the Olympian dream in nappies.

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# Baby race We got the cutest little baby race

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# Who'll be the winner Of this happy, sloppy, nappy chase?

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# You'll see them crawl on their tum They've got a rash on their bum

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# It's the bungalow baby race

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# The bungalow baby race! #

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Yes, the babies are here. In they come!

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Come on in.

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So here come the runners and riders. Baby Anna with Gino and Jo.

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7/2. Recently victorious in the Alabama Hammer Slammer Stakes.

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Rides as Revenge Of The Piggy.

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-And baby number two.

-This is baby Miranda with Angela and Justin.

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3/1, eagerly awaited return.

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Better known as Piccalilli Alvadandee

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Baby number three.

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Baby Buddy with Nancy and Richie.

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10/1. Only second time out for this rider. Likes it soft underfoot.

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-Better known as Paratus Ping Pong Poodle.

-Coochie-coo!

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Baby number four.

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Baby Liam with Louise and James.

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25/1. Excitable. And what a picture there.

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Familiar to viewers as Andrew Lloyd Webber's Trout Farm.

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And the last one!

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Number five, baby Molly with Amanda and Tina.

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5/1, can be an over-eager runner.

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Rides, of course, as Grizzly J Adams.

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And finally...

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Baby number six, baby Eden with Tracy and David.

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Ridden four, lost four.

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A naughty rider under the name of Dog Town And The Z Boys.

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Starting positions, please, and start your engines.

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Rev them up! Rev 'em up!

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Come on! Here we go!

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Right! Ready, set...

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go!

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Under starter's orders, they're off!

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Quite a clear lead there, I think, as baby being plonked

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along the course by his mum, given a head start there.

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What will the judges say?

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Grizzly J Adams there making a run.

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Being lifted up and put down again

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on the course in the hope that will help him.

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Nothing's moving quite as fast as we'd like.

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Dog Town And The Z Boys just crying.

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Crying at the prospect of this misery race.

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Come on!

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Lloyd Webber's Trout Farm makes a run for it,

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maybe assisted by his trainer, we don't know.

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And what a lovely run there for Ping Pong Poodle!

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Ping Pong Poodle all the way over the line!

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Ping Pong Poodle's over the line!

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Ping Pong Poodle takes it!

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We have a winner. Liam, Liam, Liam...

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Spin yourself round.

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You've won that!

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Now, baby Liam might have won the race.

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But the action wasn't over yet. Take a look at this.

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-He's walking!

-It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

-He's walking!

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-He's walking!

-You saw it here first!

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Come on, walk, walk... Walk to me.

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Oh, it's a miracle!

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It's a miracle!

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# Roll up, roll up It's time to meet

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# They're strangely talented They're unique

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# Roll up, roll up It's time to meet

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# They're strangely talented They're unique. #

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It's...Chicken Head Man!

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# I can't seem to face up to the facts

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# I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax

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# Don't touch me My head's on fire

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# I get in by chicken wire

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# Cos I'm psycho chicken I have to say... #

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HE IMITATES CHICKEN

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# Better run, run, run, run away. #

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It's 10 out of 10. Oh no, nothing.

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One out of 10! Really, really bad.

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Eight out of 10. "Pointless but fantastic."

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-Nine.

-Spiffinuous.

-What?

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-Spiffinuous.

-Spiffinuous!

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"Very, very weird, with character."

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Please welcome Rubber Richie!

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Hey, look at that.

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He's our flexible friend.

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Argh!

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-No way!

-Don't try that one!

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Get away! No, no! Get out!

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Is that it? Rubber Richie!

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Ten. "Because it's horrible and wicked."

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-Wicked!

-You put five out of 10.

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-"Lose the lip." Were you doing that?

-What were you doing?

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You just don't want him to have any lips.

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Eight out of 10. "Weirdo."

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You're a weirdo. Yes, you are. You're a weirdo.

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Magician Ellie, because she's a bit angry

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at not being very good at magic, she's given you two.

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And she said, "Silly and boring."

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It is Dom the Whistler and his wife.

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HE WHISTLES "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin

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His wife looks impressed.

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Numbers coming up later.

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Rubbish!

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-"Brilliant!"

-Thank you.

-"Fantastic, wicked."

-Thank you!

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"Pants, you should do the pants dance."

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-I was gonna stand on me head.

-You were gonna stand on your head?

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Give us the splits quickly.

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Dom the Whistler and his wife.

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Remember him if he was your favourite.

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# He's a cat in a flap It's a matter of fact

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# That he likes a good chat All about this and that

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# He's a bungalow star And he's your chocolate bar

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# So there's no turning back From the Cat Flap. #

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Gadzooks, away with you now.

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You'll be wanting the little fella downstairs.

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Hello there, Cat here. Life has treated me well since the bungalow.

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I'm now a friend to the stars.

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But I haven't forgotten my roots.

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Oh, no. I always remember my travel reports for the bungalow

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with great affection. Ah...

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Wetwang is a hive of activity

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and I think I've found the nerve centre of it all.

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It's Wetwang Community Hall, and today is bingo day!

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Right-ho, ladies and gentlemen.

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Eyes down, looking. Let's bingo-go-go... Two and six...71.

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Clickety-click...58.

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Two vicars in a lift...67.

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All the eights...nine.

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-House!

-Oh!

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Well done.

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Please pick up your prize of two pork chops.

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The rest of you, thank you,

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ladies and gentlemen, see you same time next week.

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My, my... Who is this mysterious lady who's left behind?

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Oh...

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She's... She's...

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..beautiful.

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# Love lift us up where we belong

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# Where the eagles cry

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# On a mountain high... #

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HE BREAKS WIND

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# Love lifts us up where we belong

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# Where the eagles cry On a mountain high

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# Love lift us up Where we belong... #

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Come on, love, let's go home.

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Oh...

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# Love lifts us up where we belong... #

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Oh, bingo lady, you heart breaker!

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but what about my other friends from the bungalow?

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Remember, Mr Choosy?

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Whenever there was a raging debate or a simple question that needed

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an answer then Mr Choosy would resolve the situation

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in a calm and soothing manner by popping his balloon head.

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Hello, Mr Choosy. Here he is.

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Here comes Mr Choosy. Choosy, Choosy, Choosy, choose...

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So, without any more dithering or indecisiveness,

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let's welcome Mr Choosy!

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So, Mr Choosy, if you had to decide,

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what would be your favourite bungalow moment?

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CHEERY MUSIC PLAYS

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Thank you. More from Mr Choosy

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and my other friends from the bungalow coming your way soon.

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SLAPPING AND SHRIEKING

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Heavens to Betsy. Will someone get that cat out of here?

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Oh, keep your hair on, Terry.

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SIREN WAILS Nobody move!

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# Bursting on the scene with a "Nobody move!"

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# He's a Geordie cop With a case to prove

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# So gangsters, burglars And cheeky juveniles

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# He'll get you bang to rights

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# And slap you in the Batt Files

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# Batt Files! #

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Why-aye! The name's Battman.

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That's not Battman, as in the flying superhero rodent,

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that's Detective Inspector Harry Batt,

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as in TV celebrity Geordie copper.

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Now then I've been investigating the villains of the bungalow underworld,

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namely the bungalow heads themselves.

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How do innocent little cherubs like this...

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TINKLING OF HARP

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..turn into mindless, gobby monsters like this?

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BANGING AND SHRIEKING

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It makes me want to weep, man, cry meself to sleep.

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Right! PC Prize Idiot, bring into today's first crime lord.

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Lord Crime, DI Harry Batt... DI Harry Batt,

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Lord Crime.

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How are you getting on, on the first day in your new job?

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Actually, being a police officer's no different

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to being a prize idiot on the bungalow.

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Get out.

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You, come and sit yourself down here.

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Right then, name...

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Jack - bungalow aged 10, aged now 16!

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We have grown up a bit, haven't we?

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Well, I think we both know why you're here, don't we? Let's have a look.

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Let's meet the bungalow heads.

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Do more, go and do it more.

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Did you see that? Did you see that?

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You're like a reversed rabbit. Come back.

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That is the best... that is the...

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-18 bungalow points.

-I just made it up.

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-And what do you call that dance?

-The Butt dance.

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Men of the nation, it's a good way to pull the ladies, isn't it?

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-The Butt dance on the dance floor.

-Jack, young shaver, me lad,

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has this Butt dance been a hit with the ladies of the nation?

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-Oh, you have no idea, I've been inundated by the ladies.

-Really?

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-Yeah.

-All right, got any numbers?

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-Yeah, a fair few, more than you.

-Oh really?

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-Mmm.

-Don't you worry about me, love.

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I'm combing birds out of my moustache every day of the week.

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Right, it says this irresponsible behaviour led to a bit of a craze?

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Come on! Give us a bit of Butt Dance.

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Come on! Get your bum out!

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No doubt this went to your head when they unveiled a plaque to you.

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In honour of Bungalow Head Jack, here 8th and 9th March 2003.

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He was the creator of Da Butt Dance!

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Come on, come on bungalow heads!

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Yeah, it's gonna sweep the nation.

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Yeah, Jack, you invented it, mate.

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It's the Butt dance.

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We'll get him back here as well... Jack.

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We salute you...

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Absolutely shocking!

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How you got anything you can say in your defence about that?

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It was a craze that swept the nation so...

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-A craze that swept the nation?

-He said so.

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Don't believe everything he says.

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Mostly he talks rubbish.

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-Both of them...

-Sounds like a certain detective I know.

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Why, who's that?

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-You...

-Me!

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I talk rubbish, me?

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I never talk rubbish, didn't I? Eh?

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Clear as a bell, son.

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Anything for mitigating circumstances as to why I shouldn't send you doon?

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Save me the humiliation

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of being sentenced by a man with a middle-aged woman's hairstyle.

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Have you taken a look at yourself in the mirror lately?

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It's like you've jammed your fingers in a socket!

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What kind of haircut's that?

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Let's wrap this up. It's all getting a bit academic.

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I think you've grown up quite a lot, and wouldn't attempt that silliness

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in the general public any more.

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I've decided I'm going to let you go.

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Oh, just a minute before you go.

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Sit yourself back down, son.

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I've just found this, er...

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One of these new-fangled cassette tapes.

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I wonder what's on it?

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Let's put it in here, shall we?

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Nice action.

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I bet you're dying to press play and see what's on it, aren't you?

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Hmm?

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Just let your fingers do the walking.

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Press the button. That's it, son.

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You know you want to.

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Let yourself go. Go on. Press it!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Aye, there you go.

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Got you bang to rights. You've not reformed at all.

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Right PC Prize Idiot.

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Not you as well.

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Right. Get him out of here and take yourself with him.

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Off!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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SIRENS AND CRASH

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# Here's the pick of the show And a long-running blow

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# To the hoity-toity folk Who don't enjoy a joke.

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# If you've got a heart condition Or a nervous disposition

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# Go and buy some earplugs And call a good physician

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-# Cos we're gonna shout...

-"Bogies!"

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-# Till we're banned from every building in the world.

-Bogies!

-#

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Its Premier League bogies where we play it where other people dare not.

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We are about to play it at Bournemouth University

0:19:240:19:27

in a media studies lecture full of sweaty students.

0:19:270:19:30

So we turn to one of this nation's great seats of learning,

0:19:300:19:34

Bournemouth University for Premier League bogies.

0:19:340:19:39

Some of the stuff's excellent.

0:19:390:19:41

-Nearly half the year...

-Bogies.

0:19:410:19:43

Very tentative 1.0.

0:19:440:19:49

Bogies.

0:19:510:19:52

McCourt, 1.4.

0:19:540:19:56

..A positive future. Envisage a perfect world.

0:19:590:20:02

This lecture, all about the Utopian society or perfect world.

0:20:020:20:07

The boys sporting the relevant protective headwear.

0:20:070:20:12

-Bogies.

-With the tiniest degree of improvement on the previous effort.

0:20:120:20:19

Just stays in the game with a 1.5.

0:20:190:20:21

..that and the other stuff that's in the discussion area.

0:20:230:20:27

-Bogies.

-Sorry?

-Don't answer.

0:20:300:20:33

-2.7.

-..Bad play. The term comes from John Stuart Mill.

0:20:330:20:37

It's actually his text on Liberty...

0:20:370:20:39

..Jeremy Bentham's Cacotopia, which means the worst.

0:20:430:20:46

-We'll be talking about Bentham...

-Who will be the worst in this match?

0:20:460:20:51

The cacotopian.

0:20:510:20:54

-We're looking at that next term.

-Bogies.

0:20:540:20:57

At 2.8.

0:20:580:21:01

This young lady wouldn't want him in her Utopia or anywhere near it.

0:21:010:21:06

..Origins lie in one of the earliest texts - in the Bible.

0:21:090:21:13

Laura said very interestingly, I didn't think of this actually...

0:21:130:21:16

..the Garden of Eden...

0:21:160:21:18

Surprisingly they did not go to university, but they are here now.

0:21:180:21:22

Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden...

0:21:220:21:25

2.8 to beat.

0:21:250:21:27

They lost the right to live in a Utopia...

0:21:270:21:29

-Bogies.

-Ooh!

0:21:290:21:33

Look, if anyone has anything to say, can they say it?

0:21:330:21:36

Sorry, sir.

0:21:360:21:38

-Thank you.

-3.5.

0:21:380:21:40

-Food for thought.

-..The Cold War.

0:21:430:21:45

The Cold War was in the '60s...

0:21:450:21:48

'50s, '60s, '70s, right into the '80s, really.

0:21:480:21:52

Brought about by 1984.

0:21:520:21:53

He didn't like that. We must respect his memory.

0:21:530:21:56

-Bogies!

-Ooh! what a fantastic Bogie, that's 4.8. First-class with honours.

0:21:560:22:01

So, um,

0:22:010:22:04

um, kind of pertinent these days...

0:22:040:22:08

It seems to have unsettled McCourt.

0:22:080:22:11

George Orwell... otherwise known as Eric Blair...

0:22:130:22:16

Has he done enough?

0:22:170:22:20

..He came up with that in 1948.

0:22:200:22:24

It doesn't appear that McCourt has anything left.

0:22:280:22:31

No, there it is, he has resigned.

0:22:310:22:34

Just leave.

0:22:340:22:37

-Bogies!

-There's the winner. Only a 4.8.

0:22:370:22:40

-Another stimulating journey through the Dick and Dom annals.

-Annals?

0:22:400:22:46

Yes, annals. What treat do you think we should leave them with, dear?

0:22:460:22:51

Well, you know I have no truck.

0:22:510:22:53

-Truck?

-Truck with celebrity.

0:22:530:22:56

Oh, yes, yes, you're often filmed and photographed

0:22:560:22:58

denouncing the media circus that feeds off our brittle creative souls.

0:22:580:23:04

But I did look good.

0:23:040:23:06

Oh, yes, always, darling.

0:23:060:23:08

Oh, good. So we thought we'd show you the Muck Muck awards ceremony,

0:23:080:23:13

highlighting our disdain and disregard for meaningless trinkets.

0:23:130:23:19

Please welcome your host for the evening, Terry Bumbum.

0:23:250:23:29

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

0:23:370:23:43

to the most prestigious awards in television,

0:23:430:23:45

the 2004 Creamy Muck Muck awards.

0:23:450:23:48

Being here this morning reminds me of when I was slopping about

0:23:480:23:51

in the long-running West End mess,

0:23:510:23:53

Whoops Mrs Chiselbob You're Sitting On My Norris.

0:23:530:23:56

And I was working with these two lads here at the time

0:23:560:24:00

and they gave me this advice, "Always be good to your Muck Muck

0:24:000:24:04

"and your Muck Muck will be good to you."

0:24:040:24:06

Dick let go a rasping trump and Dom turned to me and said,

0:24:060:24:10

"How about that for growing your roses?" Remember, boys?

0:24:100:24:14

Bravo!

0:24:150:24:16

Without any more further ado, let's look at the nominees

0:24:160:24:21

for the first award - Best Use of Dirty Norris.

0:24:210:24:27

And the nominations are...

0:24:270:24:30

Berty Splat in Mum, It Smells.

0:24:300:24:34

Elizabeth Blotch in Daniel, Get Down.

0:24:340:24:37

And a popular choice here, Melvin O'Doom in Don't Do It Again.

0:24:370:24:42

CHEERING

0:24:420:24:44

The winner is - Melvin O'Doom for Don't Do It Again.

0:24:440:24:50

Well, a big year for Melvin O'Doom.

0:24:500:24:54

And what a way to start.

0:24:540:24:55

His performance already has won him two Droopy awards.

0:24:550:25:00

There he goes, accepting the award.

0:25:000:25:02

Wonderful. He'll be very happy with that.

0:25:020:25:05

Well done, Melvin.

0:25:070:25:10

-Speech, speech!

-Speech!

0:25:100:25:13

I'd just like to thank my mum, my dad, my sister Shaniqua

0:25:130:25:18

and the Institute of Creamy Muck Muck for all their help.

0:25:180:25:22

Lovely, Melvin O'Doom.

0:25:220:25:24

They will be proud of him. With that bucket on his head, he's a winner.

0:25:240:25:30

Lovely. So let's get straight along with award two, which is for best

0:25:300:25:34

Bloppily Wobbily Splitty Splatty Mushy Doo-Dah Plop Monster.

0:25:340:25:38

And the nominations are...

0:25:380:25:41

David Sloppiplopsky.

0:25:410:25:44

Nora Chutneybox. And David Beckham. It's a tight category.

0:25:440:25:48

I can't put a pin between them. But the winner is...

0:25:480:25:53

He's won everything else - David Beckham.

0:25:530:25:55

Beckham, no stranger to award ceremonies of course.

0:25:550:25:58

Usually sports awards, like best kicker or nicest hairdo.

0:25:580:26:02

He's very lucky to win this award.

0:26:020:26:05

-There you go, David.

-Accepting the award graciously, there he goes.

0:26:050:26:10

There you go. Would you like to say a few words, David?

0:26:140:26:17

Yeah, it's fantastic.

0:26:170:26:18

There you go, David.

0:26:180:26:20

Happy man.

0:26:250:26:27

And so, we come to the final award this morning

0:26:270:26:31

which is a very, very special award indeed.

0:26:310:26:35

The lifetime achievement award for services to Creamy Muck Muck.

0:26:350:26:40

APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah.

0:26:400:26:42

And the nominees are...

0:26:420:26:45

Dick and Dom. APPLAUSE

0:26:450:26:49

Thank you.

0:26:490:26:50

Dick and Dom.

0:26:500:26:52

Come on!

0:26:520:26:54

And finally, Dick and Dom.

0:26:540:26:58

Well...

0:26:580:27:00

I certainly wouldn't like to choose, but let's find out who it is.

0:27:000:27:04

-It's a complete surprise, it's Dick and Dom.

-Yeah!

0:27:040:27:08

Ah. There he is receiving it.

0:27:120:27:14

Well done, mate. Nice one.

0:27:140:27:18

Hold on. Hold on, I would like to say a few words.

0:27:200:27:23

We'd like to say thank you and also this is the bit

0:27:230:27:26

where I have to stick my fingers in the air and say, "Go, Go, Go!"

0:27:260:27:32

Yeah! Creamy Muck Muck! Yeah!

0:27:320:27:37

MUSIC: "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

0:27:370:27:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:470:27:49

Email [email protected]

0:27:490:27:52

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